Hi. The names Vanilla. My name's cool aint it?

I am so obsessed with DDR, which is Dance Dance Revolution. I just moved to Heavy mode not too long ago so Im not that good at it. Me and my friend Jessica (dark goddess loves rock) go to Malibu almost every single day. Malibu is an arcade ^_^
Ive been playing DDR for 8 months now, and Ive lost alot of wieght...GO ME!!

Um lets see here......I love rock. Like Death metal, Goth rock and Alternative. I listen to bands like Lacuna Coil, Nightwish, Linkin Park, Metallica, Staind, and Avenged Sevenfold. A little bit of everything. I also listen to JPop and JRock. Like um... Gackt, Miyavi, Malice Mizer, Moi Dix Mois, Lar~cen~ciel..so on and so forth. I am so obsessed wit Gackt.........AISHITERU GACKTO!!!!!

I know three languages: English, Spanish, and Japanese. The first two fluently, but Im studying Japanese and Im not so good with it. I hope to get better though ^_^ My friend Aiko-chan helps me sometimes to learn the words and stuff. Kanjis and things.

Im a freak....lol. I go around wearing one earing and pants with one pants leg cut off. Im sort of semi-gothic. I dunno I guess Im sort of punkish ^^. I dont really like to label my self

Here are soem poems.....suicidal-ness... O_O!!!!
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Just Do It

Take the blade
Slit your wrist
Take the gun
Blow it all away,
All the pain
All the suffering
Theirs nothing to gain
But the hurt from everything,
Be only a memory
In peoples minds
Laying in a casket
So peaceful and sound,
Why couldent they see
I was so blue
They did not care about me
None of them had a clue,
Never again I will cry
Never again I will worry
Not to feel anything
Only free from the hurt of everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BROKEN LOVE

As I lay hear
and think about you
I wonder if its true
did you love me too?

I sit hear and think
of the times we shared
and sometimes it just seems
you never really cared

you were the only one to say
i love you
it was the first time i said
i love you too

so what is love
it has something to do with pain
because when i fell in love
only a broken heart did i gain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOVE: THE LIE

Love used to be a lie
Where the girls met the boys
And the boys made them cry,
How doves drop dead
At every lovers feet
And left nothing of their heart but a shred.
And the warm comforting atmosphere
Between a happy couple will fade,
Then dissapear,
And leave them in a dark void;
Sad and unforgiving to themselves
For how they are so hurt and destroyed,
That maybe it is love they can't feel,
Or be touched because of the pain
Or even depict what is real.
I do remember a quote,
I don't remember who said it,
Or exactly when it was wrote,
"For every moment of happiness,
There will be a moment of sadness"
And that could get you down,
Or leave you depressed,
But always remember,
Savor the best!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unoticed

She is lonely
Even though you can't tell
She is reaching out
For what, she doesn't know
She will continue to sit in silence
And hope that someone may stumble across
Her and all of her emptiness
But they only hope that they do it in time
Otherwise she will have drifted too far
And she may let go
Of whatever grasp of the world she has
As she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone
Nearly unnoticed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I'm Hurting

It's easier for you to walk away, than it is for you to reach out to me.
It's easier for you to look away, than it is for you to see the depth of my despair.
It's easier for you to look through me, than it is for you to see "me."
It's easier for you to distance yourself, than it is for you to really care.
It's easier for you to hear, than it is for you to listen.
It's easier for you to judge, than it is for you to understand.
It's easier for you to label, than it is to get acquainted.
It's easier for you to bask in your joy, than it is for you to feel my pain.
It's easier for you to bewilder at my mysteries, than it is for you to probe deeply into the depths of my soul.

It's easier for me to look away, than it is to let you see the feelings betrayed through my eyes.
It's easier for me to cry, than it is for me to talk.
It's easier for me to walk alone, than it is to risk rejection.
It's easier for me to push you away, than it is for me to be held.
It's easier for me to distance myself, than it is to trust that you won´t hurt me.
It's easier for me to die, than it is for me to face life's challenges.

It's hard for me to smile when I am hurting.
It's hard for me to talk when you won't understand.
It's hard for me to reach out when I need help the most.

If only you'd really look at me and see who I am.
If only you cared enough to reach out when I push you away.
If only you'd hold me, without asking why.
If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings.
But it's the easy roads that are most often taken.
And so I hurt alone.

If only you'd hold me, without asking why.
If only you'd acknowledge the validity of my feelings.

But it's the easy roads that are most often taken.
And so I hurt alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Love Him!

You'll never really know how much i love you,
Words wont explain it,
My lips just wont say it.
Ive tried to tell you so many times,
You say you know and feel the same,
If my heart is broken forever i will cry.
Your the one i'm happy to be with,
Your lips are the lips i love to kiss.
I'm always saying im sorry for something,
It's always the same, it was an accident.
I didnt want him to embrace me the way you do,
He just put his arms around me, i didnt have a clue.
Its just something that happened, i didnt want it,
I wish it would disappear so i could avoid this shit.
I wish you'd believe me when i say i care,
believe me when i say i will always be there.
I'll always be true,
I never meant to hurt you.
I'm hoping me -n- you will last a while,
I want us to but the question is do you?
Do you love me like you say you do,
do you need me, do you care?
Do you daydream at night wishing i was there?
I love you and always have,
I need you and care about you more then anyone ever has.
Do you really love me,
or is it a dream?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No More Hurting Please!

The coldness of those words,
Bruise beneath the skin,
Places commonly untouched,
Are hit and hit again,
But do they ever stop to care?
Do they ever sense the break?
Do they ever stop to wonder,
The problems this could make?
The tears have barely ceased,
When they call out another name,
Her body a stillness numb,
And the tears, they fall in pain,
Battered, torn, and scarred,
But she never says a word,
She falls and bleeds out red,
In hopes she cant be heard,
Silent screaming stalks them,
Haunting sways from side to side,
As they laugh a little more,
Not realizing how hard she tried,
Tomorrow she'll arise,
And know what to expect,
Another nasty comment,
And a feeling of neglect,
Now that you'll never know,
The effects of what you do,
The hurt she feels each day,
Does it hurt you now to?
To see the words she writes,
Trying to escape the pain,
Dissolving long hours in tears,
And wishing it all away,
How can you not feel?
How can you not see?
This is what you've done to her,
So let the hurting be,
She's begged you to stop,
But you just give her more,
This time she's on her knees,
Screaming,"Please don't hurt me anymore..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reality

Blood creates a reality
I never noticed before
Nobody really notices
My own private war
I sit and think and wonder
About living life each day
I wonder if i really am
Or am i just wasting away?

The marks on my arms are a reality
They might not ever go away
They show me that my doing this has consequences
No matter what they say
I stop and i think and i wonder
About how this will effect me
As a person as a friend as a sister
Will this ever leave me be

My friends worrying is a reality
I care about them so much
I don't want them to be mad
But i meet something sharp's touch
I stop and i think and i wonder
About how they think of me
Whether they'll call it quits
Or will they never leave me be

Me feeling dizzy creates this reality
I might of gone too far
Blood is gushing from my arm
Blackness covers me in bars
I stop and i think and i wonder
Am i really dying?
Is this really real?
I think about the ones who love me
And then no more do i feel...
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W00t! Tell me what you think of them. ^_^

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