these are all of the drama jokes that I've found in the past...some are very true...I hope you are in comfortable clothing, you've used the bathroom and you have a nice warm cup of whatever cause there are quite a few of these jokes...

Just to get one aquanted on how one of the Theatre origin thinks, I give you:

Theatrical Logic

In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in
And of course-
Left is right and right is left
A drop shouldn't and a
Block and fall does neither
A prop doesn't and
A cove has no water
Tripping is OK
A running crew rarely gets anywhere
A purchase line buys you nothing
A trap will not catch anything
A gridiron has nothing to do with football
Strike is work (In fact a lot of work)
And a green room, thank god, usually isn't
Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms,
Break a leg.
But not really.


Now that you understand our logic, let's introduce you to the typical characters...


Producer:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

Director:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.

Playwright:
Leaps short buildings with a running start.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

Actor:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.

Chorus:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.

Stage Manager
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the track.
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
IS GOD.


Good, you know the cast and crew, have you memorized them? Oh well, here are some terms you will need to know.


Actor: Silly people with inexplicable urges to sing, dance, and not help build things. Usually you can give them jobs like sorting nails from screws. Unless they're freshman actors. Scaaaaary....

Actor Proofing: Since the actors will try to break anything and everything you give them to act with, it should be made as hard to break as possible. Also it is good to hide things you don't want them hurting. Especially techie tools like wirelessi, or screw guns.

Angle Grinder: a little tiny machine with a whole lotta power. It likes to threaten people and end up in Stitler's locker. Shaves metal, throws big sparks. Usually used for things like cutting bent bolts off of things you want to take apart, or build better. Little One's favorite toy.

Assistant Director: Caught in the middle between actors and techies, this lonely individual does a rare dance that inspires the actors, pleases the director, and fortifies the techies. Often the go-between to the director for the techies. Bring her Cheezits and mixed CDs.

Backstage Crew: Techies who work the hardest during a show. They push big heavy things around while the lights are out. Actors like to trip over them and stand in the way of the big heavy things, prohibiting the backstage crew from working to their full potential. It's best to run over the actors in such cases. After all, the show must go on, right?

Bandsaw: It has a fast blade that can cut wood. Or body parts. Or bad kitties.

Batten: those big metal pipes you see hanging from the ceiling of the stage? Yeah, those. They come down quickly and sometimes hit unsuspecting actors, deaf people, and freshmen.

Black: The best color in the world: also every techie's favorite color. Good for stealth.

Blackout: A) When the Light Board Operator decides to turn out the lights so the Backstage Crew can move Set, B) the black curtain hanging from a Batten that Actors can act in front of. (or behind, depending on who you are). If a tornado rips through the auditorium, destroying the set or taking away the actors, the Lighting Guy will calmly and carefully push the magic switch that will turn off all the lights, and just as calmly bring up the house lights.

Booth: Home of the Light Board Operator, the Sound Board Operator, Stage Manager, and hidden food.

Borders: little curtains meant to hide the Electrics

Box Boom: can be reached through the catwalks. Lights and cameras like to sit there. Don't go to the stage right box boom unless you're friends with Bob.

Bzzz: A) see -Fly Crew-, B) a highly annoying sound made by insects flying around your tent while you're trying to sleep. -- "We have a display of Kamikaze Mosquito Carcasses covering the walls of out tent!"


Those were basic, some more terms that will go fathur into easy deatails follow:


Theatre terms

Eternity -
The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line

Prop -
A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it is needed on stage

Director -
The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review

Blocking -
The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want to
argue with you.

Blocking Rehearsal -
A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be nowhere in evidence by opening night

Quality Theater -
Any show with which you were directly involved

Turkey -
Every show with which you were not directly involved

Dress Rehearsal -
Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening.

Tech Week -
The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as "hell" week.

Set -
An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space

Monologue -
That bright, shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him

Dark Night -
The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the actors and crew can go home and get some well deserved rest, and instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal

Bit Part -
An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.

Green Room -
Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go on stage and the precocious children whose actor parents couldn't get a baby-sitter that night, a situation
which can result in justifiable homicide

Dark Spot -
An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening night.

Hands -
Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously, or try to hide in your pockets

Stage Manager -
Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea

Lighting Director -
Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong

Makeup Kit -
(1) Among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops
(2) For first-time male actors, a helpless look and anything they can borrow

The Forebrain -
The part of an actors brain which contains lines, blocking and characterization; activated by hot lights

The Hindbrain -
The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running subtext in the background, while the forebrain is trying to act. The hindbrain supplies a constant stream of unwanted information. Such as who is sitting in the second row tonight, a notation to seriously maim the crew member who thought it would be funny to put real Tabasco sauce in the fake Bloody Marys, or the fact that you need to do laundry on Sunday.

Stage Crew -
Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic

Message Play -
Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile," "a challenge to actors and audience alike," or "designed to make the audiencethink." Critics will be impressed both by the daring material and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have the house all to themselves.

Bedroom Farce -
Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of which feature the phrase "typical community theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow crowds.

Assistant Director -
Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on one with the brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take out a contract on.

Set Piece -
Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor
themselves to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from seeing that they actually have legs

Strike -
The time immediately following the last performance while all cast and crew members are required to stay and dismantle (or watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers) dismantle the set.

Actors (As defined by a set designer) -
People who stand between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view. That's also the origin of the word "blocking," by the way

Stage Right, Stage Left -
Two simple directions actors pretend not to understand in order to drive directors crazy. ("No, no, your OTHER stage right!")



Now that you are aquanted with the basics, I'll introduce you to some things that you will never, in your natural, or unnatural life, hear. If you do, you're either dreaming, high, or drunk.

THINGS NEVER HEARD BACKSTAGE

Technical Rehearsal

It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Take your time getting back.
There's plenty of room for more lanterns over here.
We've been ready for hours.
The head-sets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
I can't hear the orchestra.
The orchestra have no complaints.
The whole company are standing by whenever you want them.
That didn't last long.
MACBETH



The Actor

Don't let's talk about me.
I really think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is so comfortable.
I love my shoes.
No problem - I can do that for myself.
No problem.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.



The Stage Crew

That lantern is not in the way.
No, no. I'm sure that's our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again please?
It's a marvellous show.
I don't need this many on the crew.



The Electrics Crew.

This equipment is more complicated than we need.
Of course I can operate sound from here.
No problem.
All the equipment is working perfectly.
That had nothing to do with the computer - it was my fault.
I have all the equipment I need.



Now, theatre may sound marvoulesly fun and easy so far, but if you do something wrong, there are dire consequences...such as follows...


Sound Offenses
Missed pickup $ 20.00
Missed tape cue $ 20.00
Late tape cue $ 50.00
Early tape cue $ 75.00
Wrong tape cue $ 150.00
Going on an uncalled cue $ 10.00
Not going on an uncalled cue $ 500.00
Failure to bail out clueless stage manager $ 0.01
Unauthorized bailing out of clueless stage manager OSTRACISM
Failure to duck out offensive orchestral players $ 35.00
Failure to duck out offensive vocalizations $ 55.00
Feedback $ 100.00
Falling asleep at console $ 20.00
Causing feedback by falling asleep at console $ 150.00
Audible snoring at console $ 75.00
Making audible rude comments on the performance $ 5.00
Failure to maintain correct mixing levels $ 150.00
Failure to correct glaring errors caused by designer $ 50.00
Correcting glaring errors caused by designer LOSS OF JOB


Wireless Offenses
Failure to mute faulty wireless $ 100.00
Failure to mute wireless when actor is not on stage $ 50.00
Failure to mute wireless while actor is in bathroom $ 2.00
Recording wireless while actor is in bathroom $ 0.00
Recording wireless while actor is gossiping $ 0.00
Listening to wireless gossip on headphones WHO'LL KNOW?
Self-serving use of wireless gossip $ 5,000.00


Backstage Offenses
Unauthorized use of wireless condoms $ 300.00
Recycling wireless condoms $ 300.00
Overzealous transmitter changes on opposite sex cast members $ 69.00
Overzealous transmitter changes on same sex cast members $ 66.00
Recycling batteries $ 20.00
Failure to recycle batteries $ 150.00
Failure to share vast wealth from recycling batteries with:
House Department Head DEATH
Stage Manager $ 5.00


General Offenses
Excessive whining $ 10,000.00
Excessive cheerfulness $ 15,000.00
Hiding/sleeping during load-in ELECTROCUTION
Hiding/sleeping during load-out HANGING


Now, not only will those things casue you money, maiming and/or possibly death itself, there are many other stupid things one can do to anger your fellow techies/actors. Not to mention give the directors a hernia on the spot.



10 Stupid Things NOT To Do Whilst You Are Teching

1. Never ever ever lick an electrical socket, no matter how good you think it might taste.

2. Never ever ever stick your tongue in a lightbulb socket. There is also deadly electricution in that.

3. Never ever ever annoy people who are bigger and smarter and better than you cause it probably means they'll duct tape you like a hostage and throw you in the dark corner with the cobwebs and spiders and feed you dead rat guts and stuff like that.

4. Never ever ever babble on and on and on or else something like # 3 could happen to you.

5. Never ever ever drink the white paint. I realize that it could sorta look like a bucket of milk or something if you used your imagination, but trust me, don't do it.

6. Never ever ever get paint on the curtains. It will result in certain death or maiming or serious serious injury to you by the TD.

7. Never ever ever play with the power drill thingy. It will wreck the batteries and then the TD will be mad at you and pound you within an inch of your life.

8. Never ever ever think the actors are your friends. (Unless they really are your friends.) They are mean and they like to be mean and you get the picture, right?

9. Never ever ever get paint on the stage and have nothing nearby to clean it up with. This will result in your having to use your shirt or something such as that to clean it up quick before the TD sees and prepares to pound you.

10. Never ever ever say "oops" or someone will be angry because they think you screwed up, even if you're just singing the Britney Spears song.



30 Funny (but deadly) Things To Do During a Show

1. If on headset, start humming "Roxanne" very softly. If anyone asks who is doing it, say nothing for five minutes, then begin again.

2. If your show is using a smoke machine, make sure you are the operator. When your cue comes, put your face directly in front of the smoke nozzle. Breath deeply, commenting on how this helps your respiration. If anyone asks you to move, begin to choke and writhe painfully.

3. Bring a teddy bear to rehearsal, saying that your bear Foo-Foo will be moving sets with the rest of the crew. Refuse to do any work until Foo-Foo does.

4. Form a union, calling it the United Backstage Workers Liberation Front. Burn effigies of the director.

5. Ask who else is getting paid $9.50 an hour.

6. Become the lighting designer. Refuse to use anything other than black lights.

7. When asked to come to the show in all black, show up in sunglasses, black boxers, black pants, a black t-shirt, a black sweatshirt, a black baseball cap with black lettering, black on black argyle socks, black sneakers, a black trenchcoat, and wrap black gaffer's tape around your face and hands. Comment to members of the opposite sex how fortunate you were to have the outfit handy. When they ask why, say something about the police having confiscated it after that episode in the bushes. Be evasive.

8. Say "oops" while on headset, then deny that you said anything in a very panicky fashion. Cover up the mike and scream for a fire extinguisher.

9. Show up drunk.

10. Insist that actors pay a fee each time they try to go onstage.

11. Run up to a random actor, yelling incoherantly. Babble something about the cue that he/she just missed. Run away.

12. Set fire to the cyc.

13. Set fire to yourself. (Use with caution)

14. If ever caught in the light while moving sets onstage, scream and go fetal. Crawl off stage very slowly, wailing piteously.
   (that has been known to happen to me and my fellow techies, I can almost swear that the hand that was caught in the light was singed for a week.)

15. Several acts before it is set to go on, slowly and laboriously pick up a particularly fragile prop or set piece, preferably one that is essentially irreplacible. Act as if it weighed appreciably more than you can carry. Refuse all offers of help.

16. Fly pipes in the wrong way.

17. Sacrifice one prop per show to Dionysis. Follow with a one-man attempt at a drunken orgy.

18. Chain smoke near the flash pots.

19. Convince the rest of the techies to go with you to the campus dining hall while dressed in all black. Find a table large enough to seat you all, preferably with a few frosh sitting at it. Form a ring around the table and stare at the frosh until they flee. Claim the table for the show and carry it out of the hall.

20. Demand that the director let you perform an opening act for the show. When he/she refuses, do one anyway. Be creative.

21. Juggle the wireless mikes in full view of those who can appreciate how expensive they are.

22. During intermission, sneak up to the lighting booth and sit yourself down at the light board. Pretend you are Mr. Sulu on the bridge of the starship Enterprise. Answer imaginary orders from Captain Kirk and attempt to send the board to warp factor 6.

23. Move the spike marks of the most important piece of scenery in the show. When the shit hits the fan, blame a fellow techie.

24. Get a job working underneath the stage. Insist that everyone call you "Hades, Master of the Underworld." Set up H.P. Lovecraft-esque shrines to yourself. Indoctrinate several impressionable frosh.

25. Call cues in pig latin.

26. When the TD hands you something and tells you "Go put this back where it goes," and hands you something, put it as far away from the place where it goes as it can possibly be.

27. Come in very early one day and turn all the stuff backstage upside-down and then make yourself scarce. Walk in casually with the other techies.

28. "Reverse the Stage." Put everything that belongs on one side of the stage on the other and so on and so forth.

29. Get together with the techies and plan this one together. You all walk in one day and not speak English, but only to the TD.

30. Glue a quarter to the floor (with epoxy) and watch greedy actors try to pick it up.


Now that you know the behavior that WILL get you killed or at least seriously injured, these are things you will hear quite often from the techies and the Techie God.

The TD's Prayer:

Our TD
Who art in the scene shop
Hallowed be Thy drill
Thy hammers strike
With force and might
On oak as they do on redwood
Give us this play
Our Techie bash
And forgive us our mistakes
As we forgive actors who break what we make
And lead us not into spotlights
But deliver us to darkness
For Thine is duct tape, and the power tools,
And the glory of the Techies, now and forever
Amen.


Prayer of the Tech Week

Lord,
grant me the Serenity
to accept the things that I cannot change,
the Courage
to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom
to hide the bodies of those actors
I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Amen.

Now, speaking of Theatrical religion, there was once an ancient scroll recovered and was discovered to be a long lost Gospel. Here I have it posted.

The Techie Gospel
We hold this truth to be self evident:
That all TECHIES are created superior.


Genesis

In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred to as the TD) said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting - yea, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were well aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good. And the evening and the morning were the First Day.
And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be a Set!": and the TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized, each according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second Day.

And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Third Day.

And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this would not do. And the Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!": and the TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and keeping in with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.

And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Sound!": and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.

And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished sooner.



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Proverbs

Behold, my son here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.
I. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.

II. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.

III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.

IV. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.

V. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.

VI. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.

VII. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.

VIII. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.

IX. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.

X. Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.

XI. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.

XII. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.

XIII. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.

XIV. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done -- then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.

XV. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport.



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Words to the Techies

Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch, and to make the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show.
Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.

My friends: be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not tumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak with knowledge of Tools; they respect another's job and aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch.


Now that you know a decent amout about Techies, what pisses them off, let me show you what they love, their best friend. Gaff tape. My favorite is Personal Uses.

191 Uses for Gaffa Tape
Everybody knows gaffa tape can mend everything except a broken heart or bad haircut, but what exactly can it do. Well here is the definitive list of what Gaffa tape can do:
Proper Uses
1. Holding the Universe together
2. Tying up rolls of cables
3. Fixing cables to the floor/roof/wall
Drama Uses
Personal Restraint Uses
4. A gag when we have an annoying director
5. Shutting up the stupid and ignorant stage manager
6. Tying people up (we tied someone to a scaffolding tower using two rolls of 2" gaffer, he was a bit stuck, and a bit cross, he's never spoken to us since)
7. Tying people up (for sexual enjoyment, or is that the realm of safety chains)
8. For giving techies a birthday treat (gaffa them to the roof truss)
9. Taping up sound crew. Preventing them going over to check out the make-up crew
Fixing Clothing
10. Insulation
11. Making LARPS weapons
12. Holding up stockings when your garter belt breaks and you don't have any garters
13. Repairing an underwired bra if the wire pokes out
14. Fixing shoes with a hole in
15. Holding together motorcycle boots and leathers
16. Preventing holes in Jeans and trousers, press a piece each side, and wash
17. When my sister got married, the back of her dress kept falling too low and exposing her tattoo, so I grabbed some (hm, I wonder what?) Gaff, and taped her dress to her back.
18. Holding up a skirt if the elastic breaks
19. Replacing a broken watch band
20. Replacing a bow tie (looks ok from 8ft away)
21. Covering Taps on Tap shoes when they are not needed
On the Person
22. When I'm short of condoms
23. Removing hundreds of baby ticks from your legs
24. Keeping my eyes open during a boring ballet show
25. Making wallets
26. Holding on the master photographers wig when he drives around on his dolly
27. Wrapping around the end of maglites to make them easier to hold in the mouth
28. Making folders
29. A belt for jeans
30. When a condom develops a spilt
31. Waxing my legs (Flooring tape is better)
Makeup
32. Taping sea-shells to the chests of actors
33. Attaching wigs to heads (gullable actors)
34. Holding on false ears
35. Shaving during cues (rip it off!)
36. Repairing false mustache
37. Strapping down Carrie Fisher's chest in Star Wars (Alledgedly)
38. Joan Collins uses it for the opposite
39. Shaving
40. Plugging the hole between guys and girls dressing rooms in educational theatre
On the Stage
41. Providing black rims to tables and sets etc
42. Writing on the floor
43. For making reflectors for the infra-red receiver on a TV set. The actor was stationed at an acute angle to the receiver and the reflector bounced the signal right in!
44. Taping actors to statues and wheeling them around the stage (don't ask)
45. Taping Rubber Chickens to lighting pipes so that chickens hang on stage
46. Making a fake axe blade
47. Making a fake cactus. Paint it green and add fake prickers
48. Making a fake watch when its two minutes to curtain up and you forgot yours
49. Making a blast shield for flash pot/pyrotechnic devices
50. To muffle clumping noises of shoes on stage
51. To fix props to shelves on a set that gets moved
52. Marking stage center on the stage (usually ignored)
53. Laying hardboard or lino floors
54. Holding seperate pieces of rostra together
55. Reparing holes in black curtains, put a piece each side of the whole and press
Set Construction (aka What the actors don't know)
56. Someone once made an entire set out of gaffa
57. Creating a full size actually working spiders web
58. Wedging for casters under scenery
59. Creative sculptures
60. When we run out of Black or White gloss paint
61. For use when you run out of nail and screws
62. Holding a flight of stairs up before putting the screws in
63. As masking tape
64. Covering gaps between the set and legs
65. Repairing the main curtain when it develops a rip
66. Fixing holes in badly moulded statues
67. Covering up cat s@*t stains on a backdrop
68. Securing a clock to a muslin flat
69. Outling the edge of a plywood table to prevent splinters
70. Taping curtains to walls
71. Covering dangerous cracks in the rostra
72. Building a fake bomb. Three wooden dowels (1 inch x 1 foot) taped together with gaffe at the ends, an old lamp socket, and my wristwatch
Over Stage
73. Holding the handrails to scaffolding tower when they are too tall to use the proper uprights
74. Taping up the bar on a Genie Lift
75. Preventing steel rope from fraying (stick some gaffa over where you are cutting the cable, and cut in the middle of the gaffa, and it won't fray).
Backstage
76. For sticking the 101 uses of gaffa tape to the wall during a boring performanceso that we can read them and have a good laugh
77. Taping cable ties to upside down plastic cups to make little springy people (and then taping the cable ties to the desk) during 4 year breaks between Qs
78. Gives the Theatre Manager another thing to bitch about (this costs 11 dollars a roll)
79. Taping flexible pieces of foam to sharp corners so actors don't injure themselves
80. Wheel locks on flight cases etc
81. When sub renting gear, cover the logo on the road case with the appropriate color gaff tape and write your own company on it...
82. Use white gaffa to mark the edges of steps during black outs
83. Use white gaffa to mark sight lines backstage
84. Holding your script together
85. Keeping animals quiet offstage
86. Initiating new techies
87. Making white shoes or socks black before the director notices.
88. Covering BRIGHT logos on clothese supposed to be black
89. Getting high at alcahol free cast parties, just eat a roll and your buzed for 24 hours
Lighting Crew
90. Holding down lighting plans after the have been rolled for a while
91. Using the empty roll to protect wall switches for house lights etc
92. Replacement strain reliefs on all types of connector
93. Providing a protective cover on emergency stop buttons, so that lead singers don't cut out the power suppy during drum solos
94. Achieving greater tilt on projectors
95. To prevent fire exit lights ruining blackouts
96. Fixing gels to lights when we have lost the gel frame
97. Making tree patterns on a piece of glass, instead of gobos
98. Replacement safety chain (twist it together and tie a knot)
99. If the roll is used lying flat, the hole in the center is perfect for holding a can of pepsi/beer so I don't knock it over the lighting desk
100. To cover random lightbulbs on a string of Christmas lights that were being used as a cheap star drop
101. Emergency C-clamps. Hold the yoke against the pipe, wrap about 6 turns around the two and you're done
102. Battery Clamp
103. To hold gel onto the frame when it is too small
104. Labelling lights and sound desks
105. Marking on stage where lights are to be focussed
106. Holding truss together when you run out of pins/bolts (Not advisable if the truss hold a lot of weight.
Sound Crew
107. Patching holes in speaker drivers
108. Suspending speaker bins from exaust fans
109. Making Belts for radio mics
110. Angleing monitor wedges
111. When used on drums can help prevent ringing
112. For the band to roll across the stage "we're taping the show so clap real loud"
113. In the production of a digereddoo (it can also hold a microphone in one)
114. For repairing trumpet horns
115. Taping radio mic beltpacks to the small of an actor/ress' back
116. Holding your headset together
117. Making apple eating sound effects (wrap it around the palm of your hands, press your hands together and the seperate them).
118. Fixing positions of microphone stands
119. To play vinyl backward on technics 1200's. Place roll of gaffa on turntable, place record lined up carefully on gaffa, turn stylus upside down and reweight tone arm, place needle on underside of record and listen to the hidden satanic messages
Wardrobe
120. Strapping intrusive genitails out of sight on some 'showgirls'
121. Putting together costumes when there is not enough time for glue
122. Handy on sci-fi costumes
123. Making inside pockets on costumes that don't have them
124. Holding clothes together for those that can't sew
125. Giving ballerinas toes more grip
126. To provide shoes with traction
127. Making a waterproof jacket
128. Making backpacks
129. Holding rods and other controls to puppets
Front of House
130. Fixing up promotional signs (including a door covered in posters suspended over the side of a bridge)
131. Stopping gentlemen using broken urinals in the toilets (as seen in the Victoria Apollo)
Home Useage
132. White gaffa tape can be used for writing reminders that I should get out more and meet real people
133. A chastity belt for wives/partners while on the road
134. Keeping out unwelcome visitors. Merely cover a window with gaffa and then when your light is on, people won't realise
135. Patching holes in swimming pool covers
136. Holding up posters
137. For making a football (by saving all the scraps of gaffa)
138. Making sure my motherboard does not ground itself to my case
139. Making an ashtray
140. Tying the front legs of sheep together (If you're welsh)
141. Making a CD-Rom drive holder (tape the CD-Rom to the floppy drive and save on drive rails)
142. Repairing my old disc box which kept smashing
143. On the spines of books to repair the spines
144. Making a pencil case (combined with a zipper)
145. Covering remote control sensors that are set off by the wrong controller
146. In the produciton of a bong
147. Covering beercans - so its's not obvious what they are!
148. Holding duff terminators on network cables
149. To hold together my carton of beer
150. To add an extension to my change jar
151. Keeping my dining room table from falling over
152. Storing food when you don't have any tupperware (Getting a bowl and a plate and taping them together
In the tool shed
153. Rap around tool handles to provide better grip
154. Holding together nuts & bolts that go together for during storage
Decoration
155. Using Gaffa on a door instead of a name plate
156. Taping plastic sheet around windows to act as double glazing
157. Building a 'dust tent' to confine dust to one area of a room
158. Taping doors and windows closed to prevent draughts
159. Blocking out gaps of light in a dark room
160. My toilet is on a platform with five stairs leading up to it. Throne? I think so. So, I'm covering the toilet in white Gaff and painting it gold!
Pest Control
161. A trap for ants (like fly paper)
162. Use gaffa tape on curtain cords etc to stop cats chewing them
Travelling
163. Constructing a make-shift solar array to provide power to an ailing space station (at space camp)
164. Taping your seat belt shut while flying (just in case)
165. Back up cycle clips
166. Repairing backpacks when heavy strain from books causes them to disintegrate
167. Tying objects to a roof-rack
168. Fixing a video camera to a sail plane
169. Making funky stripes on the brake light of our car
Car Repairs
170. Holding the break fluid line in place on a kombi after hitting a kangaroo
171. Fixing side view mirrors (a friend fell off my roof and broke it off)
172. Repaing holes in my car roof (it works)
173. Repairing holes in exhausts (this works quite well if you can clean the exhaust)
174. Fixing a car accelerator (gas pedal), use it with roofing nails. Just the job.
175. Setting the spark plug gap
176. Repairing the break light on a motorcycle
177. Holding on the Licence/Number plate to my car (lasting about a year)
178. Clutch Alignment tool (with a spanner & 3 foot of scaf pipe)
179. (THIS IS NOT MINE< IT WAS LIKE THIS WHEN I GOT IT...STILL FUNNY THOUGH)I was on my way on a skiing vacation to the north of Sweden, where of course I'm from, and since I have a small car I couldn't fit the packliner on it's roof properly without bending the doors open at the top. Then I found my roll of Gaffer and we had one of us masking the car from the outside with one front door window rolled down and the othersmasking it from the inside to keep the cold air and draught from getting to us on our 12 hour drive in mid winter. Afterwards he jumped in throught the window and we masked it from the inside while a guy at the gas station finished up the window he jumped in through with the last of the tape. We then started our journey but it turned out to become a real nightmare since we couldn't go out of the car except to get gas (we had to sacrifice one window in order to do that) since we were out of Gaffer and we had to sit on our bladders for over 12 hours.
180. Fixing Taxi signs to the top of taxis
Dangerous Uses
181. Covering asbestos covered pipes (don't tell anyone there there)
182. Insulation tape on bare wires
183. Holding the walls in our theatre together. When painting the theatre from time to time(O.K. frequently) we come across cracks in the wall (large several inches high by several feet long) the solution is simple, just cover in gaffa and paint over.
184. Rewiring live orchestra pit lights during act one
185. Fixing the Genie when the control box fell off
186. Keeping plugs together when you have lost the screw
187. Sticking things to the floor (esp Dance shows)
188. Holding together a scaffolding tower with CID followspot on top, plus the operator and cue reader
Medical Uses
189. For replacing plasters (and stiches) when I cut my finger
190. For holding dislocated fingers in place during a performance (before you can get to the Hospital)
191. Taping an actor's ankle after he broke it leaping into the wings at the end of act II.


At this point, you might want to experiment in the theatre yourself. Who could blame you, I am very at home in the theatre, but thinking on a higher level, the world, we stumble on the old saying "If all the world's a stage."


If All the World is a Stage...
...I want to operate the trap door!
...I am but a gaffer
...I don't think my mic is working
...it must be the lighting.
...we have lost the script.
...LINE!
...this is only a dress rehearsal, right?
...I need to have a serious talk with my agent.
...who's my understudy?
...this must be Hell Week.
...the director has left the building.
...you missed your cue.
...when is my big scene?
...what is my motivation?
...I just fell into the orchestra pit.
...point the spot over here.
...what do I do now, Mr. Zigfeild?
...your timing really is shot.
...CAST PARTY!!!!
...I like the character parts.
...you, my friend, were type cast.
...I wanna do improv.
...Spoolin and Stanislavsky would have a meeting of minds.
…I want better lighting.
…I call dibs on TD
…why didn't I get a script?
. . .I've got stagefright!
. . . where would they be without the stagecrew?
. . .but where do the techies go?
. . . I'm leaving after the next cue.
. . .where does the audience sit?


Now you've been exposed to the theatre in almost every way. You are ready to hit the stage and break a leg. Here are some helpful hints.


Principles For the Actor
1. Do not listen to your fellow actors (it will only throw you).
2. Hold for all laughs -- if you don't get it, repeat line louder (face front if necessary, or laugh at it yourself).
Tension gets results.
3. Emotion is like an orange, you must squeeze it to get the juice.
4. A performance, like concrete, should be molded then set.
5. Your first responsibility as an actor is to find the light.
Do not look at your partner -- You may not see what you want.
6. Always be specific, point to what you are talking about.
If a line isn't working for you, change it.
7. Cultivate an attitude of hostility. (NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY)
8. Stage Managers are not actors -- Ignore them.
9. Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention.
10. Mistakes are never your fault.
11. Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or insignificant.
12. Never arrive on time.
13. Never carry make-up; someone will always have what you need.
14. Help Stage Managers keep alert by not signing in.
15. Never help understudies (why should they steal your business?).
16. Help your fellow actors by giving notes whenever you feel it's necessary. (If they ignore you, report them to the Stage Manager.)
17. Whenever possible, give them notes immediately before they go on -- it will be fresher that way.
18. Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language.
19. Keep other performers on their toes by making fun of their performance.
20. Play the reality -- be aware of the audience.
21. The key advantage is surprise -- don't let actors know what you're going to do.
22. The difference between amateur and pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.
23. Create your character -- find your own costume.
24. Never change anything that's working, no matter how wrong or phony it may seem.
25. When in doubt about and ad-lib, go "Whoo!" (That is one of those funny but deadly things...)
26. Even if a piece of schtick doesn't work, keep using it.


Now you've been on stage and love it, you may very well stay with it. These are some signs that you've been in the theatre TOO long...

You Know You Work in Community Theater if...

...your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.

...you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood.

...you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.

...you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light of day in
  ten years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner is.

...you've ever appeared in or worked on any show written by Van Zandt and Milmore.

...you have a Frequent Shopper Card at The Salvation Army.

...you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your costumes at the mall.

...you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.

...you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue.

...you name your son Samuel and tell him that his middle name is in honor of
  the French side of the family.

...you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to getting the
  running time under four and a half hours.

...you've ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder mystery
  where half the cast spoke with southern accents.

...your children have ever begged you not to buy them any more Happy Meals.

...you think Neil Simon is a misunderstood genius.

...you've ever appeared in a show where the cast outnumbered the audience.

...you've ever gotten a part because you were the only one who showed up for auditions.

...the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw
  you taking out the trash before the show.

...you've ever menaced anyone with a gun held together with electrical tape.

...you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner
  gown and high heels, and you're a guy.

...you've ever played the father of someone your father's age.

...your kids know your lines better than you do.

...your kids DELIVER your lines better than you do.

...you get home from rehearsal and have to go back to the theater because you forgot your kids.

...you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window without opening it first.

...you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was REALLY drunk.

...you've ever heard a director say, "Try not to bump into the furniture," and mean it.

...you've ever appeared on stage with people you're related to.

...you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say, "Just paint it black - no one will ever see it."

...you've ever appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect.

...the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the
  stage because the floor's still wet-five minutes before curtain.

...you've ever been told that the reason your director has no eyebrows is
because he was in charge of special effects for the last show.

...you've ever said, "Don't worry - we'll just hot glue it."
 

OR


01. Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
02. "Q" is not just a letter.
03. National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you.
04. You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room."
05. You can only read from a light that is blue.
06. You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."
07. You can't remember what daylight looks like.
08. You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your Maglite, Leatherman, and Gerber.
09. You know tie-line has several uses---shoelaces, belts, ponytail holders...
10. 95% of your wardrobe is black.
11. You watch the Super Bowl, waiting for intermission, not half-time.
12. You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly.
13. You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop.
14. You know anything can be fixed with gaff tape, Mortite, sculpt-er-coat, a sharpie, tie-line, and a safety pin.
15. Your diet consists of fast food or microwaved food.
16. Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaff tape.
17. Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left hand instead of your right.
18. You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway.
19. You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er".
20. People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.
21. Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the drive-thru.
22. You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on Chicago Hope.
23. "Practical," "Drop," and "flat" are nouns.
24. Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're "exiting."
25. At home, you "strike" your dishes to the kitchen.
26. If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, "Half hour 'til half hour."


Thank you all for taking your time to read this. Now exit and strike your way towards the green room and read your lines by the blue light! Break a Leg!!!!