Order of the Ersatz Christians: the Rules!


Lets begin shall we...

 Here are the rules that every christian should follow, if they truly obey god. So many christians today are loose on the word of god that over half of these rules need not apply! Well i wont stand for it XD
 Apart from making absolute fun out of the religion, i am accomplishing two things:
1. I am telling christians exactly how they should live if they want to go to heaven because this is Exactly what god says.

2. Im letting people who think this is bullshit laugh their asses off at the thought that people actually do these things!

 In all my travels, i have noticed that nobody in christianity follows it like they used to. Now about 90% of "christians" in the world today would go to hell, because the stupid religion has changed so much overtime. Like I said in my statement if we all listened to god..., i believe that if people hadnt started saying "well god will forgive me" at everything then we would still be burning "witches" Now people get to pick and choose which rules they adhere to, and it is accepted that people go to heaven still!
 WELL if they dont, then i think that hell will be so full of christians it may seem like heaven! (Damn if Lucifer is real i feel sorry for him!)
 anyways back on point, nowadays we have conservative christians! ha these people have their head up their ass so far, they live their lives for god entirely and follow closely to his rules!
 If we just looked, following these would be both:
1. Impossible
and
2. Impractical

 We of the Ersatz christians laugh our asses off at the rules, but now for your enjoyment i will get to listing them!:

The Ten commandments

1.Do not worship any other gods
2. Do not make any Idols (sounds like 1 a bit huh?)
3. Do not misuse the Name of God
4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it Holy
5. Honor your mother and father
6. Do not murder
7. Do not commit adultery (poor John proctor...)
8. Do not steal
9. DO not lie
10. Do not covet what your neighbor has

The Seven Deadly Sins

Greed
Gluttony
Sloth
Anger
Vanity/ Pride
Lust/ Adultery
Envy

Now The rules!

 Satan and his minions are everywhere! Therefore we must follow these rules to keep him away and we will obtain the spleandor or heaven!

How to Avoid Greed:
1. When you get paid your hard earned money, take only what is absolutly necessary! What money you keep must be devoted to feeding your family and for clothes. Any extra money must never go to:
-furnishing your home beyond its needs
-Buying extra food or drink
-Saving for a vacation
-etc
Instead you MUST give the rest of your money to Charity, any keeping of extra money means you are greedy and only care about yourself!

2. Never steal! Stealing breaks the commandments, and leads to greed!

3. Always donate money found, that you dont need, to charity.

How to Avoid Gluttony:
1. Never Eat more than your daily fill! Take a count of your food and eat three (no more!) rations a day! Any extra food should be donated to a charity!

2. Never Eat in celebration!

3. Never Drink alcohol, as it leads to a distortment of the mind, and makes you easy prey for the devil!

4. If your appetite is not filled and you have eaten your daily ration, DO NOT EAT THE NEXT DAYS OR BUY MORE! this leads to greed as well

How to Avoid Sloth/ Laziness:
1: Devote all your time to healthy activities, such activities include:
1. CHurch
2. Prayer
3. Sports
4. Family meetings and gatherings (under the influence of God!)

2. Television, Music etc is just a ruse to draw you away from the word of God! Television draws your mind away from His light, and makes you become lazy, it also influences other sins like Gluttony. Music preaches Vanity, Lust, and other sins. Never let yourself be drawn into what may seem like "harmless" entertainment, or satan will get you!

3. Work for extra money to donate to charities.

4. Only lie down, or sit when you are exausted! You must work hard all day and go to sleep at a time that gives you 8 hours of sleep.

How to Avoid Anger:
1. When feeling angry, pray to god.

2. Television and media influences anger and ideas that lead you astray from the word of god!

3. Alcohol also causes anger

4. Never yell or shout when angry. Never argue and always remember, you dont have to debate!

5. Seek healthy activities that can relieve your anger, like prayer or church.

6. When playing sports, play healthy ones that do not involve to much competition

How to Avoid Vanity:
1. Never wear provocative dress

2. Girls/ Women are FORBIDDEN from wearing pants, long skirts that stop close to the ankles are the proper dress for a lady! Be modest.

3. When combing your hair or other grooming activities, never spend more than the time needed to provide the most basic look. Spending to much time brushing your hair will lead you to narcissism! And that is a sin!

4. Do not fuss with your clothes or hair.

5. Buy the most basic, need filling clothes. Never wear what Celebrities wear or try to follow any fashion

6. Boys must never have long hair, hair must be kept at a point that does not touch the ears!

7. Girls hair must be touching the shoulders, if longer it must always be tied up! Girls should never have short/ male like hair!

How to Avoid Lust:
1. Never Have sex before marriage!

2. Have sex only to procreate, and when making children, only engage in the matter of intercourse for 30 minutes at MOST! Engaging in it for to long leads to a desire to do it more!

3. Only have sex for procreation 5 times, if there is a miscarriage or the baby cannot be born. Beg for forgivness as you have commited an evil act of having sex without creating life.

4. Never engage in oral sex or masturbation

5. Do not make inapropriate advances on another

6. Never hold hands

7. Kissing must only occur during marriage, and for short periods in private places. Never seek to much private time or engage in kissing for to long.

8. Do not dance, dancing implies music, and music is evil.

9. Do not share beds or sleep with one another

10. Never have more than one mate at any time

11. Never have a mate that you do not plan to marry

12. Marry only one person

13. Dating is evil

15. A person should be 20 years of age before they try to find compatibility or a lover.

16. Never wear clothing intended for another sex

17. Never engage in Homosexual activities

18. Sex must be casual and quick to end, never engage in any fetishes!

How to avoid envy:
1. Never desire any technologies other than ones that help you in your basic needs.

2. coveting anothers material possessions is an evil act!

3. Never desire extra money, remember what money can do! Always be charitable

<center>How to live

1. Be baptised!
 A person must be baptised at birth! If you have children they MUST be baptised!

2. Pray at least 3 times a day!
 Pray to god when you wake, mid day, and night. Pray after and before every meal. Thank god for all your blessings in each prayer and pray for salvation of other people.

3. Attend church EVERY SUNDAY!!!!
 There is never a reason for not attending church, attend it at least once a week, but always on sundays.

4. Easter is not christian!
 Easter is a false holiday! it was made after the Assyrian goddess Ishtar! The assyrians were devil worshippers! Easter was not the day christ rose.

5. Christmas is a satanic holiday!
 Christmas is a holiday made by people who advocated greed, they use a false figure to advertise and make money! Christmas is not about celebrating the birth of the lord!

6. Halloween, mardi gras etc
 These are obviously pagan, and satanic holidays. In short DO NOT CELEBRATE THEM!

7. Birthdays
 Birthdays are a symbol of vanity, and loving oneself. Also greed, the presents. Gluttony nowadays due to the cake.



Cultures and the Lord

The "gothic culture"

If Your Child is Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!
Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your
child may have gone astray from the Lord.

Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous
culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil,darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer,
and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:


-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include:
reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various
other Satanic worshipping symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of
music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks
against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak
eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such
as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic,
the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and
His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to
vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and
elders are but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats excessively or too little.
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this. (COUNT DRACULA CEREAL MEANS YOU COMMUNICATE WITH THE DEVIL ?)
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood.
(Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media
sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative manner.
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
-Claims to be a goth.


If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center


Popular cultures:

Other popular cultures, While seemingly harmless, all break numerous commands of the Lord, look at a normal teenager today. Look at how many commandments they are breaking by just what they wear!

RAP MUSIC

Most rap glorifies sex, drugs, and violence. Do you want you kids listening to this trash?


Country & Western music

Country and western musicians do not have lyrics that glorify satan. However most are talking about sex and who is doing who.

To learn about the effects of rock (the most evil and satanic music!) go here
http://www.av1611.org/othpubls/roots.html

Help yourself, and your children stay out of dangerous music and lifestyles by educating yourself!




There you have it folks, the devil is every where and thats how you avoid hell!

Read the site:
http://exposingsatanism.org/siteindex.htm

For more information.



Links:
-order of the ersatz christians
-if we all listened to god...

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Note from Nazarath

 Well i dont have much to say about this anymore...its just funny all the crap i have posted here. And before you ask where i got this crap, believe it or not there are people (that me, and my friends have known) that seriously follow all these rules. Or at least most of them. Every rule here has been followed by someone.
 Join the Order of the ersatz christians if you think this is the funniest thing about religion you have ever read!
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