ET: Member blog

[kat khaotic]'s diary

763435 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2006-03-15
Written: (6831 days ago)

23 days and counting down

I'm not all excited or anything, no way...why would I be?
We're just talking about my birthday....
I was told to start planning what I wanted to do...but that's hard. I want to do everything...what should I do?
*thinks*

I might just go to Junk Town. Have to get a prom outfitty anyway...bleh, me in a dress....no way, thanks. But it'll be alright. It's going to be a Japanese dress. Fun stuff there. I should drag the Group down to Chucky Cheese's and play video games and eat half-bit pizza, and then terrorize the shoppers at the mall. I need to find if there's a laser tag place down there. That'd be awesome. I should go see a show...so much to do..but not really.

I should go find a dance..that'd be awesome. Haven't been in a while.

16+1= my age. I don't want to be seventeen. I want to be sixteen plus one. That works. Yep...

746421 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2006-02-10
Written: (6864 days ago)

This will make me sound "emo"...please excuse me...

Mom's leaving. For sure. In like three days.
I didn't think I'd care if she was gone. I was thinking it was going to be cool. All by myself. Without my sisters and the occasional passing of my brother. But now that it's here, I'm thinking, "This is going to blow.".
Who'm I going to talk to now? Sure, my friends. Nobody listens like Mom does. Nobody cooks like her for that matter. I know I'll cry at least once. Probably more.
*laughs* I'm no good at this kind of thing. Just like I suck with relationships and trying to make others' days better. Thank goodness I don't plan on having kids. I would be the worst mother ever. No joke either.
I'll get bored so easily. Damn, just thinking about it makes me want to scream. Scream the sky to pieces. And then shape the shards into the hopes and dreams that cannot be. Watch them fall again. Whisper my longings to the night breeze and listen as it carries it away. The crunch of dead leaves under the soles of the uncaring is the sound of my apathetic soul. The place of the lonely is full with my despair, like a banshee the torment of my heart reaches out and ruptures the perfect sutures of my dreamland.

*slaps self* Told you I would. I hate it when I do that.

738746 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2006-01-26
Written: (6879 days ago)

"Would you like to dance?" he asked. I died that night.

Were I a pagan bard, I would invoke a muse of fire to fill me with passion for the task ahead. I would beg a god to put his words in me, to blow his wisdoms through me, like a trumpet, to make me resound with truth for the people. I am no pagan bard. My enemy is fire, and I am more likely to rebuke my passions than to bid them spill forth. What am I? I have been a tyrant, a warrior and one of the fallen on battle's field. I have been a Christian and a wanderer and an enemy of God. I have begged and murdered, tortured and rescued, pledged loyalty and given treachery, I have died and returned and I drink hot blood. My name is Vladislaus, onetime Prince of Wallachia, onetime commander of armies. Called Tepes, called Kaziglu Bey, called Dracula, I am now much more than I once was, perhaps much less as well.

Let each night...stand out, in the greater body of the Requiem your life has become

730755 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2006-01-11
Written: (6894 days ago)

[Eternal salvation suffers from inflation]

I'm sick and tired of the images people want us to be. We're "kids", we're going to do wild and crazy things. Kali forbid we dye our hair! Oh no, it might give an elderly couple a heart attack, or..or they might think Arby's is a devil worshipping cult! *gasp* Because people are so old fashioned the new generation gets punished for it all. It's all about image. No piercings, no cool hair colors. Nah, you gotta be plain and boring and conformist. I got something for you Gabi...

Fuck your image.

.I hate the masters of this society. Who the hell said things had to be a certain way in the first place? Who made it law? I wanna see some proof. Until she can show me where it says exactly that you can't have groovy looking hair, then she can just die.
I'm thinking she's just jealous of the rad hair
If given the chance, I would not hesitate to tell that bitch off. If I could, I dunk her head in the fucking fryer. But, I like not being behind bars, so I'm thinking I'll resist for now.

Why make us suffer if they're the ones that're so insecure? Bringing us down will not help them go up. How do they not get bored with the same thing over and over?

Like, I woke up Tuesday morning and said "Hey, I feel like getting a new piercing." and I did. People don't do that anymore. They have to go through this whole bullshit thing about who will like it or not and whether it'll be a trendy thing to do. Fuck! I hate this. It disgusts me to no end. I'm working on making a difference here, so you cannot say I'm just sitting here complaining. I make a difference every day, even if it's just one person's life. No matter how small.

They destroy the things they do not understand.

716815 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-12-17
Written: (6919 days ago)

And he said "You are my Bete Noir, my loathing love."

i found myself hallowed in the doldroms of my estate
assimilating to the apterous seraphim

the belletristic screams of the angels haunted my wake
amerced by the betheled alcove where we lay

mourning the rise of the fire against us
the dulcet cacophony rose from your mouth and killed the night

my lassitude kept me strangled in the bed of leaves
our lesions destroyed it all as our aspirations fell asunder
the leaves were soon painted crimson as you fell to my execration

my ardor recedes to be my bete noir

708065 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2005-12-01
Written: (6935 days ago)

<Early sunsets and late mornings..//..I never thought it'd get me here>

I thought I'd outrun. I thought I'd outsmarted. I thought I'd won. It's roots were sunk deep in what they'd call my heart. I can't believe it. A year has passed, and still, emotions they stir. My paper heart does bleed. Now he's giving up on me. I'd lay myself to sleep. //

I'm hanging out with corpses, and we're driving in this hearse.All I ever wanted was a thousand bodies stretched out to the horizon.Can we reclaim our innocence? Can we start over again?I think not.I'd fight them all off just to be alone.Does anyone notice?Does anyone care? The fear of romance, the pain of living, the joy of sorrow, and the strength of not forgiving.I used to be golden.A thing to make you go insane.Since you've been gone it's not the same.

Then holding hands, and life was perfect.

I'll see your eyes I'll meet your eyes I won't look away I mean this forever//to.the.end.//If I died we'd be together Slip into this tragedy//Don't stop.If.I.fall.I won't remember you.I'll remember your words.Is this what you always want me for?I did it all so maybe.

Down we go

I can't find you. I'm stranded in the place of the lonely

and its the last thing you said...made me stop and stare...if only I could pull this knife from my chest, then I could drive it in your heart, what you said, made it harder at best...Saying you love me...and then walking away..I couldn't be shocked now, but it pierces like nothing...there's no room for that here...

Bottle up old love, and throw it to sea

I'm changing the time no matter how hard you cry. You're nothing new, still the same thing you won't be around. The same old you. We're back to familiar ground.

The endings are always the same

I give your heart back, it's useless to me...//..

704925 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-11-26
Written: (6940 days ago)

Next in thread: 705083

The silence of three A.M. shatters

The colors are what get to you

They're everywhere, the murderous blues, the flickering, scared red tendrils of alarms, the passive calm greys, the blinding healthy whites//They're coming//They won't be after the select few this time//They'll take anyone and everyone//One cut and it's all over//The deathbags will stitch themselves//The colors are what get to them//

I watched a tree breath it's last this morning//It's colors steaming off and then dissapating completely//You know how sad that is?//

I'm seeing the secret city//Someone please tell me I'm not the only one//I don't want to go back, they can't make me//I'm not hallucinating//

It's the [colors] that get to me

688772 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2005-10-28
Written: (6969 days ago)

-Koller gets on his knees-

Kat, will you go out with me?
-I walk away, to laugh around the corner-
-J.D. comes to talk to me-
-I go to Koller-
We've had this conversation before...
-Koller looks saddened-
Yeah I know.
-I laugh-
No.
-Koller walks away-
-J.D laughs and hugs me-

The past few weeks have been total soap-opera bullshit. I'm not anyone's prize (with an exception), and I'm tired of being treated that way. No one understands the fact that I actually LIKE being single. I'm not that great. I'm pretty cool, but not cool enough to destroy friendships. I don't want to marry anyone, I don't want to fuck anyone, I don't want to be with anyone. I want to hang out with my friends and have fun. Guys, I swear, think a little bit.

670659 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-09-24
Written: (7003 days ago)

Next in thread: 671097, 676321

Oh yeah and I forgot to say!

The people in New Orleans were supposed to die. Why the fuck is there another huge hurricane coming after them? This is Mother Nature's population control people! Deal with it and die already! Good lord!

Well, okay, I'm not being entirely mean about it. Some of them should survive, but I mean come on. It happened for a reason. And the dumbfucks are trying to rebuild the thing. How stupid. If people would think sometimes, it might help us out a bit. Ja?

660929 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2005-09-07
Written: (7020 days ago)

The days we spent mean nothing to him

What h. e. a. l. s. me k. i. l. l. s me

I'm wasting away. The torment pain and shame is bearing down. The great times and then we don't talk and the next thing I know he's slobbering on some girl. Could he tell me exactly what the hell he wants with me? He can't give me a straight answer. It's always, I dunno. I can't tear myself away. I wonder if there's a heart inside that cave he calls a chest. That's if he still has one left. If I died, we'd be together. If I'm just not good enough why can't he tell me. I can live with the truth. Not very well but I can. I want to know if I wasted my emotions. I'd like to stop bleeding soon. I carved him into my flesh and still he asks for more. Tell me how to shine for you. If you asked I'd die for you. I can't give enough. People wonder why you know. It's not entirely my fault. Don't fuck with my feeling dammit. It makes me go psycho. Literally. I broke down today in school. I didn't cry, but I was shaking so bad and it was obvious enough to make the teacher ask about it. They'll find me on my bedroom floor, lying in my tears of regret clutching my blades. I wouldn't kill myself. Not over this. I'd just vent. That's what I always do. Only over him too. Call me pathetic please. Kick me in the face. Maybe it'd make me pretty. Kill me slowly and then walk away. I'd love you for it. Just fucking die already. Before I kill you. You've burned my world down and left me among the cinders. I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked if you'd join me in a quick fall. But you made me realize that my ticket isn't good for two. I rode alone

 Over the year I've come to realize one thing, and it's the only thing I've gotten from you:

<I REMAINALONE

652926 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2005-08-24
Written: (7033 days ago)

Next in thread: 653107

They combined the French classes so now I have to deal with the one person I hate. She is going to get it so bad this year. I know it's gotta sound mean, but I cannot wait to beat the living shit out of her. She fucking deserves it too for what she's done to people. I hate her, she's a poser and a loser and a reject and all the synonyms for those words. If one more person tells me to breathe and calm down I'm gunna hit the roof. Fucking A people. I'm better at my own anger management than you think. Just deal with it I say. If she gets in the way, remove her. Good deal. Now I'm gonna go get some grub.

646850 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-08-15
Written: (7042 days ago)

Next in thread: 653106

Freshmen are hilarious. I was making my calls about orientation tomorrow and one of the kids that's in my group went off on something completely different. When I asked him if he had any questions he goes "What'd you say your name was?" I answered and he said "How old are you?" I answered and he said "Sweet, that rocks. Are you hott?" I laughed and told him I'd see him tomorrow and then his question would be answered. The other guys I had to call aren't coming since they had more important things to do like golf. I feel sorry for Tyler, he's the only guy in the group so far. I have to go finish calling people now.

599767 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2005-06-16
Written: (7103 days ago)

I've become a nocturnal person yet again. It was better for a while and then I started working nights. No complaints here. Gosh, for once I've nothing to say. What an unusual thing. I've come to another rut in my life and for the moment I'm content to stay put. I've come in contact with friends I'd thought I lost, and everything's good. There aren't any guys for me to worry about, no family drama, no issues whatsoever. I think my only thing to do now is to figure out where I want to go from here. Do I want to jump back in, or kind of lurk on the outside? I'm not sure yet. I think I'll catch up the 'me time' and read those books I've been meaning to read and write what I wanted to write and maybe clean my damned room. Start over in a way. I hate it when I get enlightened. It makes me feel weird. But it's a good thing though, wouldn't you agree?

579710 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-22
Written: (7128 days ago)

Next in thread: 594268

I'm so lost at the moment. I haven't been around for a little bit because work has taken my time, and when I get back, nobody wants to talk or anything. Even my closest friends have turned away. I didn't mean to ditch them, and I wasn't ignoring anyone. A part of me has died it seems and I don't know where to go, I have no one to talk to. I apologize for what I did, whatever it may be. I just want to know what the hell is going on.

573601 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2005-05-13
Written: (7137 days ago)

So this is what it's like to contribute to society. Stand around doing nothing, thinking about better things you could be doing. I just love my new job. Maybe something exciting will happen. I've learned to work the computer pretty much, and hopefully I'll learn to do something a bit more interesting. I want the new S.O.A.D cd. My brother has downloaded part of it, so I stole it from him. Yayness! I feel alone right now. It's funny because my friends are on but they aren't talking to me. I'm not complaining though. Maybe they just don't feel like it tonight. Gosh, it's kinda of late, (for me anywho) and I think I might go to bed. I don't really want to get up and sing tomorrow, but hey, it means one more day closer to the carnival, and my days off. WoOt!

565913 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-05-01
Written: (7149 days ago)

What to do when you're all alone? Listen to music, watch porn, and smoke...oh and talk on Et. That's what. I've been doing that since I think nine. I'm not supposed to be on here, but thanks to my incredibly badass brother I can be. My mom thinks she can stop me, well fuck that. I cannot be stopped! Muahahahahah. I had the most boring day today, but it perked up when I got on here. Rock on David, I love you man. Thanks to a great friend, and a somewhat cool mom, I might go see a concert in a month or so! Yes!

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