i AM a fucking ballerina.
or was.
but with bad posture and a faded leotard.
fifth position croise. pas de bourre!
man fuck my life. my life fucking sucks. i live in stockton california. no fucking job. no fucking friends. friends? what ARE friends? have i ever had friends?

i have a baby in my belly going flop flop kick kick. and although he's really my only reason to live right now will doesn't care about him. like at all. i don't know man, wil is such a self centered douchebag. i wish he would open his eyes and realize what a cunt he is. and also, i wish he would realize that stinky is a horrible quality in a man.

when did shit get so stupid? why do i always drink and take drugs and hate on myself and be a retard? i seriously think the main reason i didn't vaccuum this little fucker out of me is because i wanted a reason to be sober for nine months. i wanted to prove to myelf that i even could. and it worked right? i haven't even smoked. this is the cleanest i've been since i was twelve. i'm 21. that's sad, that's pathetic, that's fucked up and that's me. me and my happy little life in stockton.

COMPLAIN COMPLAIN WAAAHH WAAAH WAAH

bitch and a half man, i wish i lived in an apartment. i wish i had a job and paid rent and could consider myself a productive member of society. i live with my parents. and what's worse is that my brother's living here too with his girlfriend who's also pregnant. who's having a girl by the way, i'd call her a lucky bitch but i've gotten over that one seeing as girls need prom dresses, tampons and bras. generally much more expensive than boys.

i wish i had a dream life where will actually gave a shit about vyvyan and where I actually gave a shit about will. i wish there were a chance that somebody would ever take an interest in me and i wish i had motivation again like i did in folsom when i lost 30 pounds and became awesome for about 4 months. i can't wait til i squeeze the fucker out because... well one becasue no more heart burn and i have been fuckin waiting for that, but more importantly because i get to take some kind of medication to make my brain bits feel a little less wonky. it's funny that they'd give a proven alcoholic/chemical dependant person pills to alter their brain chemistry. but hey, it's prescribed so it's all good right?

that's a fitting prescription. "as your doctor i recommend happiness. here. get some"

people! learn to use an apostrophe!
a business in san francisco makes these bath salts, right?
and my mom thought it would be nice to get me some. they smell really nice and come in a cute bottle. and it's a local business you can tell because of the way it's packaged, right? so on the little tag it says:
learn lot's more at www.relaxtheworld.com

lot's.

i learned that the best way to keep your heart from getting broken is to pretend you don't have one.
i don't really want to be alone.
i also don't really want to kill myself.
but i am damn sick of living like this. i'm sick of drinking.
SICK OF DRINKING???
no fucking way.
and yet...
i am.
i'm depressed.
read about it. i am. hahahahh!! REALLY! i am depressed. sorry silly me.
oh get a job you punk get a fucking job
i need help
from people who suck

i don't have health insurance.
i'm getting fat
i'm getting slow
i'm getting boring
i've been.

and poor kj oh fuck kj i hate him i don't hate him. and i don't hate will coburn either. i just hate me stupid silly me.

i'm not worth this.

i used to write a lot more.
i almost dislike who i've become.
i miss being inspired by pineapples.
i want to do some kickboxing.
i like to skate.
it might be time for some of that.
it seems time...
any time is a good time
gas time
ass time
too too too
kay bye elftown. i havn't been here in a while.
i probably wouldn't even come here if i had the time. which i dont.
oh well.
neopets, it is.

should i kill myself?
there is a knife and a kiwi.
there is sparks.
i choose you picachu.

what do you like to play
POKEMON!!!

nobody answers the damn phone


please don't leave me kj houpt.

i love a boy named kj houpt
and we have lots of fun together.
but sometimes we get angry
but i don't like that
and my name is i turn over new leafs
muah
ha
ha

Excessive or irrational fear of a specific object or situation.
Avoiding the object or situation, or enduring it with great distress.
Physical symptoms of anxiety or a panic attack, such as a pounding heart, nausea or diarrhea, sweating, trembling or shaking, numbness or tingling, problems with breathing (shortness of breath), feeling dizzy or lightheaded, feeling like you are choking.
Anticipatory anxiety, which involves becoming nervous ahead of time about being in certain situations or coming into contact with the object of your phobia. (For example, a person with a fear of dogs may become anxious about going for a walk because he or she may see a dog along the way.)

hollywood is a breeding ground for assholes

You can be a ballerina!

You can kick me, kiss me, kill me. Completely.

you can close your fists and feel the soul of the world there: Center Energy.

You can choose to keep yourself, your friends, your style. you can change with the wind. you can kiss my ass.

you can put a gun to my head

you can challenge my beliefs.

I can dance, I can skip, I can sleep beside you or i can leave the room.

I can drink alcohol or drink sprite.

I can eat a salad or I can eat a chocolate bar.

I know the difference between us.

I can tell you that your shirt reds me.

I can breathe you in.

I can feel you on my fingertips, selfishly.

I can make you feel my fingertips, relentlessly.

I can scream, I can pull my hair out.

your shirt is realy blueing me. blueing me away.

I can go to timbuktu.

I can eat an entire jar of peanut butter and make myself sick. Licking my lips for all eternity.


IF I COULD SCREAM! THIS WOULD BE THE TIME TO DO IT!


my name is cecilia!
you can call me Most Supreme Asskicker in all the Third Realm, Second Only To Erik Melvin and Matt Sidowsky YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!
you can call me madam
you can call me beautiful
you can call me stupid
you can call me retarded
just dont call me late for dinner!!!




I LOVE YOU ALL

and i cant get high
i can't get high
i can't get high
and i scream that part and i don't even mean i can't get fucked up. i'm just mad that i can't get my voice at that high note. and i keep trying anyway because that's what we do.

I'm ordering my books on Amazon.
they should come in two days
it's so exciting, getting packages.
i'm hecka worried.
in one case i bought a book although i was uncertain whether it was the correct book. the mc graw hill reader one, i think.
also one of the philosophy ones, so here's hoping, right?
but those two i bought especially cheap, like 2 dollar cheap, so even if they're not right it's okay.

closing time

RAWR
i miss kj
i want him to live here
i don't even care
i just want him to be here
what's lame is how passionate i am about this





my distortion pedal is awesome
it's awesome
i wanted to name him shelby
it's awesome
i'm completely out of it right now
its awesome
i want kj to live here

i HATE probation
i HATE probation
now is a good time for distortion
probation
disortion
distort
me
my brother hates me
because i don't talk to him
i want to skate
skate away in the bowl just like in a circle
i want to skate
i want distortion
i hate psoriasis
i hate when my skin peels off
when i peel my skin off
that's gross, right?
i do it all the time.
so there's flakes of cecilia everywhere
maybe in your food
maybe in your ass
all over my bed
my bed, distortion in the sheets
in every fucking electron, atom, neutron
jimmy neutron, who i wouldn't let in my bed if my life depended on it
on and on
on and on
doo dee doo dee doo doo
dun de de dun dun de dun
doo dee doo dee doo doo
dee chka dee ch dee blee blee blee
doo chka doo ch doo bloo bloo bloo
da chka da ch da dun dun dun dunnnn
doo dee doo dee doo doo
on...and on...
on... and on...
damion
damion
damion
damion


breathe in
breathe out
breathe in
breathe out

so i play harvest moon for years
for 30 days
for 6 hours
and no memory card equals phlegm and miki and shi and lame don't exist anymore. Gone With The Wind
EXCEPTIONAL!!!
WHY MY DARLING I BELIEVE YOU'VE GOTTEN AN A++
nobody will ever forget you jesus
nobody will ever forget Dr. Seuss
WHICH FUCKING RHYMES
which fucking wrongs

i want to skate
i want to get away
but in 10 minutes i am not allowed to be anywhere but here
i hate probation
its awesome
its awesome
its awesome
i hate ashton kutcher.
its awesome

i met this guy named ben.
i will explain him now.
picture vivian
take the studs out of his head
add a beard
normalize voice
thin him out a bit
keep the style, not exactly but mostly
he has a way old school skateboard
it's fucking huge
the wheels are huge
he's the king of fucking powerskids
he's the king of bank to bank
he's the king of mongolian
he ate an alligator
anyway, i'm forever indebted to his ass because hey i can ride the bowl
not like...his ass, ass

anyway his boss was named stewart and he was like so do you talk
i was all, yeah but i just walked here from taco tree so i'm sitting here ya know
he's like so what do you do besides skate
i say i play guitar
he says ben plays bass
hey travis! (other guy stops skating) travis plays drums
you guys are now in a band.
ben says cool, what kind of music are we playing
i say crap
he says crap?
i say crap, i've always wanted to be in a crappy band
he says i've been in a couple of those
we keep skating
i ride the bowl
i ride the bowl
i ride the bowl
i ride the bowl
i supply a 14 year old with cigarettes
he's the only one who smokes them because everyone hates kools
everyone smokes camels
i ride the bowl
i ride the bowl
i ride the bowl
i ride the bowl
i can't fucking wait to get back on the skateboard.

everybody has a job
except cecilia rosanne berry
there's no E in my middle name
i didn't even know that until dmv told me
because, obviously, they know more about me than i do
i want a distortion pedal
i want new strings
i want to do the sodomy thing. NOT
i meant i need to get my guitar fixed with a saudering iron
that's like 5-10 bucks
it will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
i love everything
even kyle lovette.
...
or...
lyle lovette.
whatever.
the guy thats like:
i need to impress her
cuz i'd like to undress her.

oh
um
i got my permit.

i hate probation
probably, warped tour is not an option
but if i pray at night then i will see nofx anyway
i will go to fucking warped tour
i will prostitute myself in auburn tomorrow
i will buy tickets from some man in a flasher suit
i will watch nofx be the bomb
i will smile
oh, and i'll get there somehow, too.
either that or go to idaho.
which is lame because fuck idaho
nobody wants to go to idaho
except nofx
and the rest of the warped tour gang
but potatoes are lame, like i said.

oh god oh god oh god
let adam be nice and

don't let kj do candice
and don't let me do kyle
and don't let him do ashley
and me roxxy
i need a job

that's the point of all that goddamn school
so when you're living wihtout school all you can think about is how you're supposed to be doing something
ro might not go to college
kj isn't
this makes me feel lame
i was supposed to be the one who would never fucking go to college.
i was supposed to be hey! a bum on the street
if i wasn't on probation i'd be a flight attendant
i want to be a flight attendant
want a drink?
and i smile and you get on the plane
and habeeb blows it up
but that's okay because i was on top of the world

i hate life.
i'm not against it really
i just hate it


playing guitar has become a pasttime
i have callouses
i scream
i wonder where the hell i'm going with kj
i want to live with him
but i don't think i'd be able to scream
and i wonder would that really be such a bad thing?
i have callouses
my throat goes raw
what the hell is college anyway?
working forever for a piece of paper
when i could spend time at the library instead

and be like my dad
in a hat
and sunglasses
singing Hey Jude
and smoking marlboro reds
speaking of which
bout that time eh chap?

AHHHH
i miss kj
really bad
like....when i think about him i throw things
not phsyically throw things but i mentally throw them around
then it's like on the wizard of oz and everything is flying around

jose messaged me on myspace. he remembered my birthday. he's all, i don't know if you remember but my birthday's three days after yours. then he made some reference to the bus on the way to san francisco, which i don't remember, then he said he's going to school in sacramento and he'll come and visit me for sure. he doesn't have his license yet either.

elijah messaged me and i went to his myspace, and it's like I WANNA KISS YOU ALL OVER, AND OVER AND AGAIN TILL THE NIGHT CLOSES IN DUN DUN DUN... and i was cracking up because who the fuck puts that on your myspace?
i wonder what mine says? something lame, probably. i don't even remember. i fucking hate myspace except when people who i used to know suddenly message me and it's like oh yeah, i remember you! hey, you sought me out. awesome.
so jose is my friend on myspace now.
i'm gonna figure out what the fuck is up with him.
and i'll tell him how i'm a terrorist.
and we will laugh.
because i still have a diary where i'm talking about french kissing him and i'm all excited. OH MY GOD I DID IT!!! like that.
and we were lame fifth grader sixth graders that probably would have kept going out for a few years if i hadn't moved and gone out with that lousy vince knowles.
i remember we used to write cards to eachother.
we would buy blank cards and just write shit on them, and fill them all up with boring shit. but it was awesome because it seemed so sweet like we were always gifting eachother. but it was just like...uhh i'm sitting in the bathroom and i'm really bored. my mom told me i have to clean my room but i don't want to so i'm hiding....
but it was really cool. i still have one of the cards he sent me after i moved.
i remember...he was a jerk. like...he never acknowledged me as his girlfriend. i mean, sure we were in 5th grade and the teachers would have been like HEY WHAT THE FUCK but...it pissed me off at the time so i broke up with him once. then he did something really nice and we got back together. then i moved and totally forgot about him, mostly.
i don't know..
nestors my friend on myspace too
me and him and carla and aman used to just spin around this tree all lunch, next to the kindergarten playground, gaurding it from bullies. becasue alyssa went there and some kids threw rocks at her. so we stayed there, the bigger kids, protecting my stupid kindergarten neice. spinning around the tree.
and once me and nestor kissed.
and we were best friends for years.
me and him and carla. but carla never really liked him.
but i loved him because he was so smart. and me and him went to GATE together and we did projects together and we were totally perfect friends.

then there was this kid...natividad...he had crazy bug eyes and he was hella greaser style. i used to skate to school and watch him. and he had a crush on carla. so i was so jealous because i hecka liked him.

then there was this kid Cruz, who went out with carla. and when he broke up with her for this girl with a dot on her forehead she got SO massively pissed off at indian people. And she hated cruz desperately.


then ther was this guy Garret. Garret Titch. and he gave me a sticker book when we were in like 4th grade. i still have it, actually, because i've been meaning to give it to one of those children. and it has some cool stickers in it. anyway, he gave me this stickerbook that he won for being totally good at something. and i always remembered him. and yesterday victoria got in touch with him, and he remembered me. and she told him i'm a terrorist now, and he's like woah that's not the ceci i remember. and he's having a baby now. and he's married. and he hangs out with Sam Riverra, who reminds me of Sid on toy story, and who was the first guy i made out with. we almost did it. i was like 11. we were naked.

Ernies in the army. he's in maryland.

i don't have a job, still.
so i sit on the porch and scream about it, and how FUCK i need to get paid, but i don't really want to be a slave.
it doesn't help, really.

remo says i should get a job at UPS because i'm 18 now.
i say no way.

A federal agency proposed a new speed limit to protect the whales because ship strikes are responsible for about half of all known, human-caused deaths of whales. But federal vessels would be excluded from the speed limit.

FUCK DMV
fucking practice tests
i got like 18 out of 25
then i got 21 out of 25
then i got 24 out of 25
and FUCK FOG LIGHTS!!!

FUCK DMV
there's this question;;;;;Unless otherwise posted the speed limit in a residential area is ____.
and it's like FUCKING COMMA!!! HELLO PEOPLE! Do the rules of grammar exclude yoU??
unless otherwise posted COMMA the speed limit in a residential area is 25
NO!!! use a fucking comma
aruhghghghg
fuck you hard dmv in the ass or wherever you don't like it.

yeah
the end

whole big long story:
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

fucking remo and victoria
and mom
my mother just worsens things
and she's like bugging me
and she thinks that vico is going to break up, run away, and remo's going to kill himself all because of one stupid fight
so she gets all overdramatic

so now remo is saying 'If your wife isn't sucking your dick, you'll have some problems'
and so his idea is that blowjobs is the number one thing in a relationship
and victoria goes,, that's why you and kj have a good relationship
and i'm like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we have a good relationship because we're relatively normal
and remos like i'm gonna be the one bringing home the bacon
and i'm like arug oishdo;shsidhgldshf;dsjgd
NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aajgds g sggsaj
i want to get OUT of here

I just want a cigarette. What’s funny is that tomorrow, in thirty minutes, it will be perfectly legal for me to go out and buy a pack, but right now its like HEX!!!
I was on one of those searches, and I looked in the fridge, and I was like Hey, there’s a beer right here. But it was like…what do I want with beer? I want a cigarette.
Why?
So I can have something to do while I feel bad about myself, which I’m not even good at anymore.
And I feel old.
And my mom thinks I’m going to “turn gay.”
hagh slgsghjfisdg
wdgzsdfjds ;
i hate everything