so it's like jello....but it's not...quite...jello.
it's still liquid, but it's jello texture.
my nephew tells me to smoke pot. and drink vodka.
and my mom tells me to taste the drink.
and my dad tells me to experiment with everything.
and my brother tells me to wear a condom.
fuck
give it a break already.
and drink the vodka.
it's there.

so i taste it. and i go FUCK that is good. and nobody pays attention. because she is saying mark? mark? mark? mark? mark? why did you lie to me? huh? huh? mark?
and she is saying SHUT UP.
and he's kidding around.
and she's not kidding around
and she's starting fights.
and...
i just want to drink the vodka.

like when someone makes food "wrong"?
i eat it.
that makes it...make sense.
but the problem doesn't go away if you eat it.

and no one's awake at 12:23.
and i'm sorry to say that once they leave the room, i'm just going to put on eraserhead.
and i'm not going to care, until my mom comes back downstairs.
because
the jello shots are going somewhere.
and...that's me they're going into, because they are fighting. and he won't eat an enchilada if it has mayonaise in it. and she won't. but i will, if they would just shut up.
but that's the thing, isn't it?
they
will
not
shut
up.
who does??

i...don't understand.
i don't understand why nobody understands why.
i hate fights.

i will not fight with anyone.
no
fights.
so fuck war
fuck you
fuck question marks
AND FUCK THE INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY.
i blame you, future.
i blame you, past.
i blame me. present.
and that stupid girl who thought you would get a present at school.
and those stupid kids that don't get shakespere.
and those stupid kids that looked at me
like i'm an idiot
because i thought "a closed front zone may cause you to reduce your speed and even to select a new gap" was the funniest fucking thing in the world.
because it pertains to drivers ed you know?
but i read it
and i think about the manuel to sex like a drivers ed book. and that cracks me up.
because...i am an idiot
if you all look at me like that.
but isn't it still hilarious to me?

fucking who cares if the tree makes a sound when it falls in the forest and nobody hears it because there is never nobody in the forest.
but there is never nobody in me.
getting. me.

and i wish the people who love me so much...would get me.

kj gets me
roxxy gets me

and they aren't my family.
and that is not fair.
life isn't fair, says jafar to his jester.
because because because BECAUSE!!! of the wonderful things he does!
despite all my rage
i am still just a rat in a cage.
and MY RAT
is upstairs
and i
am downstairs
because i am a bitch and i kick my dog for going after my duck but i don't like my duck and i don't like my dog and i hate my dog and i hate my duck and i hate that i have ducks and dogs and i hate when sammy hates me too.

i AM in a world of shit, he said.

i am in a world of shit, i said.

i like jello and i like shots.
so here goes!!!!

im so fucking halfass
everyone in my family is negative. my mom is negative my dad is negative my brother is negative my nephew is negative.
and i try to be happy
but they fucking PISS ME OFF
and when i am happy they FUCK IT UP
and you dont understand
because you ARE NOT ME
and i am not me
because i want to fucking kill someone
and i'm the only one i have access to right????
FUCK halloween
FUCK enchiladas
FUCK everyone that ever killed kenny.
FUCK JOSTONS!!!
i fucking hate jostons
if the creator of jostons, if the person getting all the money off of jostons were right there, in front of my face, and i had a gun or a knife
i'd pick the knife to make him suffer more
FUCK JOSTONS
movies...
are about something
and music is about something
and jokes are about something
but sometimes people don't get them
and sometimes i don't get them
and pills are not forever
and i am not forever
and yorik is not forever
and you are not forever
and forever...
there IS no truth about forever, breane so none of your talks can possibly make me better because i am not good at anything.
i swear.
by god
i am not good at anything
and we only respect people that are good at something, the people that are of some use to us
young enough or old enough or nice enough or good at playing the same three chords.
(over and once again.)

i might not care about angels and god and pizza or pickles.
but i love nofx.
and when i hear green day on the radio
singing about the dawn of the
rest of our lives

i won't even do anything to destroy me
or mr. chollet.

because i think about some crazy shit
and i mean some crazy shit
i have seriously considered taking a gun to school over 10 times in the past week.
i don't have a gun though.
i would get into a whole lot of unnecessary trouble...not like the gun would even be loaded...they wouldn't care.
i don't have a gun anyway.

do you see??
this is the definition of "fucked up"
if you're fucked up, you go to the school and burn the senior papers and the jostons papers and the cap and gown too. and you scream at the fire. because you are so fucked up you don't even know what is going on. and you're screaming about WHATEVER comes to your mind. Halloween. how you have to capitalize the h in halloween. how you have to put a period at the end of a sentence, tying your shoes. we have LINES to fucking pay for a ticket to get in a building to get in line to pay for popcorn to get in a line to get a seat to watch a fucking movie you didn't want to see anyway.

you know what?
it is Halloween.
Make that six years.
It is October 31
Tomorrow is a new month
and I am still alive
and there is a guy attached to a string attached to a dead cat
fuck capitalization, man
FUCK IT
fuck halloween
fuck october
fuck new years
fuck maynaise with 90 calories, 90 from fat
I know this shit.
I hate this shit
I walked out of saw 2
what really sucks is that I walked INTO saw 2
god damn me
I’d say Fuck me, the way I say fuck halloween
but you fucking bastards won’t let me have that.
so fuck you
oh I could definitely kill myself
but that wouldn’t solve my problem


DIET COKE DOES NOT OWN FUCKING RAMONES
diet pepsi does.
FUCK THAT

how can you look around and say everything is not fucked up.
like i do that all the time. i mean it.
then i take another look.
and i'm exactly the opposite.
that is why i want to die.
because i contradict myself.
all the time.
and sometimes i look back at how i'm so opposite of myself and i love it.
but right now i hate it.
and it's a different day.
a different feeling.
but i'm still me.
and i talk to people, and they remember things i said at different times.
...
and they don't
they can't understand that...that doesn't apply anymore.

i wish i had someone to talk to.
here.
but you know...i have pills.
get it?
i have vodka.
i have fucking jello shots
so...it's inevitable that i'm going to go eat some jello.



i really am sorry that i'm fucked up.
i really wish i wasn't.
i really wish i believed in angels.
i really wish i believed in you.
i really wish i believed in me.
i really wish i could go dress up as a witch or a vampire or a halloweenie and go "trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat, if you don't, i dont care, i'll show you my underwear!"
that really never made any sense at all.
i never made any sense at all.

and when Eddie says "just the way you said that, i like little japanese games like harvest moon!..." about Me.
because i said that.
and i believe in it. harvest moon is a tight little japanese game and it is very cute.
but i hate when people say i'm cute.
i do not want to be cute.
i do not want to be anything.
i'm fucked up.
fucked
up.
so fuck your federal income taxes.
and rockin and rollin and whatnot
i'm quoting grease.
that's my fucked up.


that's your fucked up?
i mean...if you don't like chicken and watermelon...
i mean
if you don't like pizza and beer
...no??? donuts and milk? no...
harvest moon (thats the one)
then you're just fucked up in general.

if you never thought of bombing your high school there's something wrong with YOU.

i would be very glad
if i had people to be glad
about being glad
and being glad with them together gladly
in
gladness.
that sounds boring
...


jello it is.

i thought i was talking about something else.
angels.
how i don't believe in them and how i cried for it.
and how mys stomach STILL hurts
and how pills are forever
eternal
forever because marval is more pills than anything else
that is bad
i could get a job
i could be your number one superstar
i choose to take what i take
and do what i do
when i say
you gotta BE somebody



i want roxanne to come over
but my mom doesn't and she's crazy
so we tread softly
mark is looking at me

sammy tried to kill dahmer
it was kind of funny and sad at the same time
i gave her a bath
and called her a moose a million bajillion times
and she licked me all up
and i tried to go to sleep and she tried to eat me

i still want meth
but i probably wouldn't find it anyway

I’m just a girl with all the love in the world.
That’s what the pain is.
I love you
I don’t want to go to a party
I’m a quitter
Quitter….
Glitter….
GAWD
so my window works now like I know the difference?
I’m going to break it, smoke a cigarette.
I’m always fucking up
Fuck me over
Because I fucking deserve it
And here we go rock bottom
With a fucking big ass smile on my face
And my eyes are Geppetto for sure
My sister believes in god.
She loves her son and he covers his face and laughs
I feel sick

My stomach hurts.
That is real
Fuck whatever I was talking about
This is fucking pain
I’m talking
Someone stabbed me a bunch of times then poured acid all over my insides and wrung it all out like a towel.
Or…like I took a bunch of pills then I took more pills and drank alcohol and took more pills and smoked tar or whatever then smoked some herb then took more pills then drank and drank and ate processed foods and took more and more and more and more pills.
and listerine
my stomach feels like listerine
FUCK.
Teach me english I beg of you
Yeah
RIGHT
Like the last thing I’m thinking while I’m grinning over myself
“I wish you would have taught me english”
is this the voice of someone who is ready to die?
Of course not
You’re stupid!


Whatever man
Just wait
I’m gonna be da bomb..
Yea
I’m that stoned
Here goes it~
Jalepenosss



Yeeeeeahhh

My name is Cecilia Berry.
I’m American.
I hate that whole concept, American. We’re nowhere people….living in a nowhere land and all that jazz. We’re from everywhere and we just breed and consume stuff other people make. We celebrate the day when bunnies leave eggs for the children. We’re like the bully that’s nuts.
I say I’m Mexican sometimes…I try to fit into that. It’s like fat feet in little shoes, basically.
I’m light skinned.
I don’t have an accent.
My mom is pretty Mexican.
She’s pretty crazy though.
I have no idea why my parents are together. They’ve been together for a very long time though. I think my dad threatened to kill himself and that’s why my mom decided to marry him… I bet he regrets that one.
Because now he has 2 kids. One of them is in san jose, impregnating victoria hinajosa. The other one is trying her hardest not to swallow 14 pills that are just on the floor right now…waiting.
Sleeping pills.
If you take a bunch of them you hallucinate.
It doesn’t work very well.
But…desperado.
I’m so not mexican.

My mom’s family is… when I picture them I honestly picture my grandmas house with crazy mexicans yelling and running around. Which is…litas birthday party and easter and all those holidays. We’re together over there, my brother me and my mom.
My dad rarely goes.
Everyone’s screaming in spanish.
Sometimes we got the mariachis.
Usually I’m talking to my brother or playing with bikes with a few of my cousins.
I don’t know them very well.
We hang out on holidays.

My fathers family is….mostly dead far as I can tell.
My mom’s family is in abundance.
They’re fuckin all over the place.
Because she had ang and ang had 6 kids and they’re gonna be everywhere
And nena
She’s on meth???
Mark is too
But I have mark
He’s like,… my nephew but he’s more like my uncle as he’s 22 and I’m 17 but I’m booksmart he’s streetsmart
We talk a lot
Sometimes

My fathers family is white
Psoriasis
I got that shit from his side
Alcoholism
That’s on both sides
Insanity…uncle larry? Or something


I’m kind of detached from the …familia
I have mark.
My mom told me she’s going to kill herself in february
Because she’s losing her hearing
And her mom
So she’s getting old
And depressed
Because we never talk
I mean she’s crazy and I can’t deal with her nonsense
I’m too fast
Shes too slow
I’m too young
Shes too old
I’m too stupid
Shes too stupid
We’re anti



Marks cool

Kj
He’s new
I guess…in a way.
Probably, he’s the best part of my life right now, definitely.
He gets my heart pounding at six am when I’m barely opening my eyes. Like its going to be time for school!!
Which is really stupid but when its actually there I’m excited as fuck.
Right now…this is my “mexican” side. Which is actually just the part of me that’s kinda lazy and pshhh
All the time?

Whatever

Kjs irish. Its awesome. He’s…blonde. Blue. Black. Pink. Green. Pale. Really pale. Tall. I love when he kisses my cheek randomly. And he’s so tall and he has to bend down to kiss my cheek so when he does it it’s kind of…a happy moment. Because if you’re a huge ass like brontosaurus you’re not going to bend down for something you don’t really want all that much.
?
I don’t even care if you get it because I do. Right now anyway.
Whats really crappy is when I don’t get it.
Then I get all depressed.
And I get all I hate myself
And I get all jump off the forrest hill bridge or better yet gun in face?
And I get all why do people tolerate me
That went away recently
I guess that’s why I’m talking about…this instead of…studying for this huge ass test I have tomorrow.
I guess survival is more important than that.


…
I can’t put everything on paper, you know?
Everyone knows a lot more than they let on.
And.
Nathaniel?
Get it?
Of course not
Microsoft word..
FUCK halloween, man
FUCK halloween.
Just FUCK halloween.
Fuck it
Day of the dead
Is the party
Its all people+ alcohal so it doesn’t matter what you choose
Black or white
We kill ourselves
Because
Irish+mexican= mocha


I really hope…
We say things, you know?
We say…he says I’m stuck with him
I say hes stuck with me
I say I want to keep him
He says he wants to keep me
See?
I really hope we’re telling to truth
To eachother
And
I hope
I hope one day I don’t go he doesn’t love me anymore
I hope I never have to…deal with that
And I hope one day I don’t go I don’t love him anymore

And I hope I never kill myself.
That’s important
Because I was very close.
That’s not true…I don’t know where a gun is.
But I have many MANY pills around.
And I know how to swallow.
And I have these…needles with stuff in them.
For like…insulin or something for my dad.
I once almost injected like 3 of them in me.
I figure…if I take three of them it ought to kill me.
Especially if I took hella pills too.
And just…I’d probably die, right?

Probably



That doesn’t matter though
Because

Whats really pathetic is that
Angels don’t exist, cecilia.
Flapjacks don’t exist.
And…donkeys in sombreros…
…
no
I might not believe in god
And I might not believe in angels
And I might not even believe in flapjack.
But
I definitely believe in the donkey in a sombrero.
Because that’s kj.

And if angels don’t exist…
I was in canada
And you guys were keeping me solid.
Real.
Alive.
Roxanne Schick.
Kenneth James Houpt.
Less kj than roxxy then. roxxy’s been there…

She was no eyebrowed
Then she was homeschooled
Then we were fake
Then we were real
Now she’s there
And now I found kj, anyway

Whatever kj is.
….
I love him.
And when I’m next to him
I’m thinking
I love this boy
And when he’s sitting and when he’s standing and when he’s walking and when he’s singing and when he’s making stupid jokes that I would die for
I’m thinking I love this boy
And what can I do?
I can just touch him all over his pale white Dracula body and kiss him
!!
and then I go home with a hickey on my neck and my mom’s like thahhhtt is distasteful
and then the next day after the next day
mark is like what the hell is that on your neck
and then he tells his mom
which is my sister
that I have a hickey
and then she says birth control
and he asks if I’m having sex with him
and I say no
because I’m not
then I go to my room to do homework
and I feel kind of bad
because..
I’m not having sex with him
I’m …
Doing homework
And that sucks

Fuckin halloween
Can just go to HELL

Fuck it
Screw halloween
And EASTER!
I hate easter now
Too
And valentines day
I’m off that shit
Wish I could I say I was off the pills
But..its holidays for todAY



I
Wish I cared about whatever



Lazy bastard, I.

so i totally tripped out dramamine status
and i thought my rat was right there but
she vanished when i reached for her.
and there were mexican guys talking to me through the computer. and i said to myself, cecilia, this isn't france.
so i went upstairs so my mom wouldn't notice my mumblings

i don't want a hangover

i'm going to tell a story now:
once upon a time there was an alien, attending high school. and eveyone tried to make pinnochio a real boy, but he just couldn't trust a soul.
the end.

i wrote "gay" in lissys back.
she wears it well.
i wish you were here...

16
because
one is the loneliest number
so it's fuzzy and my hands are melting.
and i can hear people talking to me
and i'm typing EXTREMELY slow
but i'll get over it
i am fucking melting
this is insane
i love this shit
its better than dxm because it doesn't make me sick
and drew said oh you'll probably die
oh my god! you killed kenny! you bastard!
yeah
anyway
die radio die
the end.

oh



i have never been stoned and on coricidin at the same time
wow
it's
...
odd???
i feel like sleping
paranoid
goddddd
okay
no more

my hair
is black and short
goddammit
and i said i wouldn't cut it
it is very hard to grow your hair out when you won't let yourself.
i feel like i have to throw up
and tomorrow will be a sucky day

so i figured it out
i love socks
and i fucking LOVE tights
and tights are going to be very very friendly to me over the years, psoriatic as i am.
oriannastudios.com
go there now
i fucking love that shit.
i fucking love it.
this is me falling in love

man oh man
i dont even love myself
then you say you love me
and i go wha...?

like wohhh
now i will vomit
because i'm always doing that
STUPID SHIT



then i sing...unbreak my heaarrrrrttt
say you love me agaaaiinn
undooo this hurt you caused when you walked out the door
and walked out of my life...
uncry these teeeearrrrrrrsss
i cried so many nights
un break my hearrrrtt.... ohh hooo hoo hooooooOoooOOOOOoo

yeah!!!
THANK YOUU

THE POINT
is finding one who smokes and does drugs

what do you do when your way IS the highway??

oh boy oh boy
i watched hercules. and the aristocats. two movies i hadn't seen before. it doesn't really add to my profane existence to say i've seen them. whatever i fucking watched them anyway and they sucked total cock.

COCK...a-doodle-doo!!

i woke up very early today
i don't know whats up with that
i have to take care of vincent
and its freaky
he makes weird noise
and if you pretend you're crying, he cries too
heckah
its kinda funny
and if you squeeze him really hard
he makes a wackass grunting noise
i didn't do that, alyssa did.
but it was still hilarious.
so then i put on some pants.
because you need pants to get by in the world

YEAHHHH
heckah!!
score!
goal!!
cry me a river!

oh god
i was watching degrassi...??? what the heck?
i used to get stoned off degrassi i swear
now i'm like what the hell....
but if i were here for a few weeks i'd be addicted again probably
just like days of our lives
hahahaaHAHHAHA

oh man oh man
i want to play with a lobster
and paint a picture of the tower
from whence it came
HAHHAHA
oh
deary
duchess! kittens! EDGAR! oh jeez
jeepers mister you sure are strong!
i want to stick a feather in my hat and call it macaroni

i swear
my promises are rarely kept
so help me god i promise
hhahaahahZHAHAHAHHA
oh


kkkkkkkkkkkkkk








i







need






to







buy







me








some


















TACOS!!!!!



no
just kidding
coricidin
yeah
man
then
like
stop
being such a whackass
because these people, they care about you cecilia
you...have shit.

i do
i promise
i have shit that is worth shit and i guess its worth shit
so i should stop swallowing waxy, sugary, blechhhh pills
but
oh
dear
such memories

hmm hmmmm hmmmmm...they weren't kidding when they called me well a witch. but now i've mended all my ways and on the whole i've been a saint.
those poor unfortunate souls!
so sad
but true
sdsklgjshgklds fdsgjf klJH~~!~~
i
had heart
you had heart
we had heart
we watched aladdin
we watched the games
now we're running slow motion
arrrrggggghhhh
NoOOoOoOoooooOOooooooOOooooOOOooooo
yeah







anyway
i'm done
love youse guys

i'm in stockton

angie asked about kj, she goes what is his real name? and i'm all kenneth james!
so she said so his name is Kenny! kenny the shark!!!

and i had a little question mark hovering above my head.


and later my mommy said that she was starting to like kj

and i laughed very hard.
because uh, she's completely insane.

and i didn't kill myself even again!!!
god ITS BEEN A LOVELY DAY!!!
i love when i look around and go HEY!! i didn't fucking kill myself. check it out the way i'm breathing right now
hells yes
buskin wilson
rides bulls
and thats a pretty lame achievement
but at least i don't go hunting wabbits.

so in case you haven't noticed, this is a happy moment

when my love nacho gets in the water for me
and my boyfriend hugs me even though i'm wet
and that guy with the beady eyes on the news is still fucking alive.

so i have REM stuck in my head
just
its the end of the world as we know it!!!
its the end of the world as we know it!!


and i have pot in my pocket and memories all up in hurrr
and all is right in the world
because it is 6:21
and that adds up to 9
because it is 10-12
which makes it 4
which makes it 13
so its still four
because four is forever!!!
like...newspaper
n,e,w,s,p,a,p,e,r
9
n,i,n,e
4
f,o,u,r
4
f,o,u,r
4
f,o,u,r



get it?









its the end of the world as we know it

so i eat beans every day
and i just got back from the river
because i’m a demon
and i fall in the water because ben toth is zeus
with his toga
and i’m going wow.
i have the best friend who crosses rivers for me
and the mom with psycho eyes
and i’m okay with that
when she says she’s considering letting me off groundation early
and its just a matter of making things right
with you
and you
and you
and you
and…me of course.
its reading madeline
I love kj.
I love that he twirls me from his tower, like…he’s totally tall, you know what I mean?
even though mr. hendrix was looking me in the eye when he said high school relationships are nothing.
and even when I scream at myself all I need to get my priorities straight
carla
roxxy
kj
victoria
remo
what????

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING TO ME

then there are the gorgeous people like simone that do the sweet things like give me towel when I really need one.
then there are the gorgeous people like elijia who cheers me up in drivers ed and art. and he wears a tux to school? with a cane and sunglasses. those people.
then there are the gorgeous people like ursula all sea witch status singing, at least you’re better than me.

just
wishing
for
drugs

like that will get me anywhere…

I really do need to get my priorities straight:
1. financial aid mo-fuckah

there

that is my priority
because…

I need to move to sac
and I need to be a mortician with carla renee villescaz and we need to be embalmers together and it will be kickass because we will start our business and remo can drive the hearse. and i need another burrito. right NOW.
alright



i had fun today
contemplated suicide again, but managed to get over it quickly
round of applause
learned about bach
have to take notes on chapter ..... 7..??? 8??? whatever.
i'll figure it out

roxxy
is
THERE for me

and so i kiss kj and it's time to dry my soaking body with simones towel while my mom actually seems happy for once.
and she says she has been thinking about letting me off groundation early. i'm not sure how early.
i don't know what this means for halloween

but on the rare occasions i have social contact, i remember that...it's not wretch. it's.....fun.
fall-in-the-river-and-pretend-you're-aragorn fun.
while you learn who your friends are.
and who tells really bad jokes.
and who is actually really sweet.
and who is actually going to hell.

i like it.

and i shouldn't kill myself.
ever.

livin la vida loca

okay so you know what i really liked about coricidin
and robitussin
and what i kind of miss now
.
when you take coricidin you don't really eat. i mean when you go on hardcore coricidin ...binges?....you seriously don't eat. whatever you eat, you only eat so that your stomach wont hurt as bad in the first stages and it doesn't matter because you're going to throw up anyway. then you're too excited to eat. and for the whole day you don't eat anything.
then you do the same thing the next day
and
the next day
and then you one day go oh god im fucking hungry
and your skin is all tight
and you are drinking water the whole time because it keeps the high going
and the water tingles your bloodstream, like.
and you finally get something to eat
and you feel like ralph from lord of the flies
because it just fits
like that


i miss that.

a lot




i really miss being able to take coricidin.
which is not good
because i did it pretty recently
i can say i miss it in a month or two
and thats okay
but right now is a little too much
ajhahahha
like on the bus!!!
ohgod
i do not have brains left
muahhahahhaa






oh
the point was that i just ate crab legs and chips and dip and cucumbers and chocolate and grapes and strawberries and now i want a burrito
because i'm stoned
so it's like...pot is the exact opposite of coricidin
you want to eat, you want to sit around, nothing really makes perfect sense..
then dxm is like...you don't wnat to eat, you can't keep still and everything IS the way you understand it.
and
i like it better.
and i wish i could order some dxm pills online
pure
or i could just go to the fucking store....
hahahah
coricidins gross though, man
and i probably shouldn't take it at school
ahhaha
drugs at school=not cool
ahha
ok
i miss carla
i wish she were here