i am coughing so hard right now.
i wonder why you put up with me.
i wonder...

my name is cecilia rosanne berry and i have sickness in me.
i have homework to do but i opt to take a nap.

i wonder what you want with me.
i want to tell you i have nothing to offer.
but i'm too selfish to let you know so i'll be quiet as a mouse.
which works out because i have a cold so talking hurts anyway.

mouses with houses and spouses.
ahhahahaha

i am a total lie.
my mom is depressed.
and she drives away when she's angry.
and mark goes, How am i getting to work?
then she returns and acts like nothing happened, but expects that we have completely learned some lesson.
i can't say for sure about remo and mark and victoria, but i haven't. i mean...what happens at my house every day doesn't make sense.
i get picked up.
i get driven home.
i rarely talk about anything on the way home. sometimes i talk about what happened in some class or other, or i mention something someone said that i though was funny (its a nickelback not a quarterback!!) or something about the scenery....
she talks about things that are going on at the nature center... er...she USED to do that. she doesn't talk about that as much anymore. and she hasn't gone there in a really long time either, even though they're offering to pay her now. she mentioned something about...water...testing again i think, when driving kj home.
she talks about how she used to eat jalepenos.
she goes "so what time do you have an appointment"
she says "there's _________. come and eat" burritos, tamales, fideo, rice, turkey soup...zuccini bread and other weird concoctions...
like victoria said, she's living in a house where everyone thinks she's annoying, and no one really likes her.
but like mark said, it's not like that. she's the one that is focusing on the negative side...
she says its because of my dad. and i guess that's true for her, but the same way his depression makes her sad...i mean she kind of passes the torch too, right?
we were talking about quotes two days ago.
and when she picked me up from the bus stop today she said "i was thinking about what you asked me"
like we were JUST talking about it.
i don't know if you've noticed, but my thoughts go so fucking fast. and since hers go so fucking slow... we are SO OFF...i really wish we weren't.
today she went in my room for...i guess for dirty dishes, which is stupid anyway because she asked if i had any and i was all nope but she just thought she'd go in my room and check...anyway she sees this pile of pomegranete stuff on the floor and starts yelling about how... Don't you KNOW pomegranetes leave STAINS on the CARPET!?
and i was like....oh that was this morning, i was rushing. sorry.
and she was like Well it only takes a second to throw something away
and i was like Yeah well my trash can is full of stuff because...
and shes like WELL YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT THE TRASH
and i continued like:because you threw stuff away that wasn't really trash so i didn't know where you were going with that and i decided that if the trash can was now a stuff can i couldn't put trash in it and it was the morning anyway and i was rushing.
and she was like !I was talking about the carpet. you cant leave pomegranete just laying around because the carpet gets stained. why don't you PICK UP your things?
and i was all: Oh. did the pomegranete stain it?
and she said "...."
and i said in my head, did you even check if it stained the carpet?
then i go in my room and the carpet is fine. and of course i knew it would be because ...well i'm a slob, you think i've never left pomegranete lying on my floor before!??

anyway... so i asked her why she threw stuff away that wasn't trash anyway. and she said she did it when she was cleaning my room. and i sort of looked at her for a few seconds...after all, she does that a lot when i'm at school.
it really is ridiculous.
so i asked her why she always says i should clean my room then she ends up doing it (and often while i'm NOT EVEN THERE!!! what the fuck!? i wish....grrrrr >_<)
anyfuckinway
she says well you have to learn!
and she was getting that urgacny in her voice again
and i looked her in the eyes and said that you can give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day but if you teach a man to fish he can eat for the rest of his life.
because we had been talking about quotes before...get it?

then she yelled at remo for...something about doctors appointments...
because she got all worked up about something and we all just rolled our eyes.
all of our eyes were rolling
that's 6 eyes.
i bet it feels really bad when 6 eyes are rolling because of you.
...
....
then, she said she's picking up a mazda from jrs house and mark said...what mazda and she said jr has a mazda and he said don't you mean the mitzubishi and she started yelling at him about something sort of mini-relevent but not really...
and i said whatever they both start with an M, and i put my head down on the bed.
and more words went on...but i didn't really hear the words it was more like the tones.
they were irritated and argumentative.
then she said something that sort of meant inconsiderate but it wasn't inconsiderate...it wasn't ungrateful either...
i don't know but it meant that, but she stopped in the middle of the word because she wasn't sure it was the right word.
then she said I...and walked out slammed the door and got in the car and drove away.
which is kind of funny because she always says we shouldn't slam doors when we're upset.
but it was kind of sad because... i'm the one that always corrects her when she says the wrong word, or uses a word in the wrong context, or says the wrong pronoun and crap like that.
and i'm the one that's the youngest and, if you think about it, the quickest to grow up.
well...that's not true, what about angela?
angie had to grow up fast too, didn't she.
she was, what?, 16 when she had mark?
god damn.
i don't even know angela, and that's my sister. i should know everything about her. i should...i wish i had a sister the way so many other people do. like someone to borrow clothes from, someone to get pissed off at when they borrow my clothes.
someone to yell at as the take up all the fucking time in the bathroom.
someone to cry with when their boyfriend breaks up with them or whatever. to flip off my mom behind closed doors. and...i wish i'd had a sister to hold my hair back when i puked...
maybe then i wouldn't have cut it off.


gemini.


i found out rather recently that i really like run on sentences and i really like fragment sentences and every teacher that marks a good fragment sentence wrong can go to fucking hell.




like i was saying,
the problem is that everything in my house...has nothing to do with now.
i have no idea when we are.
i know where i am.
i am november 9th 2005, the days of the gunslinger and the days of mr. hendrix patting my back and the day of the sunshine girl with strawberry hair getting back my two dollar bill for me.
but...i don't know.
mark is on a day.
remo and victoria don't care about days. they have doctors appointments so the days matter, but they don't matter matter.
dates are completely different for my mom.
she has to say them over and over and write them down just so she can remember what's going on on them.
and it's stupid because she's trying to remember EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. and if someone comes home late (if Stephanie comes home late, or if her and mark are going out) she has to know whats going on when they'll be back, what they're doing, do they have enough gas, do they have enough money, do they have enough time, do they have enough food in their stomachs?
and its FUCKING ridiculous.
if they didn't have enough gas they wouldn't be going.
if they didn't have enough food they'd make some before they left.
if they didn't have enough money they would be sitting in front of the TV complaining about how they don't have any money.
and its worse when they come back late becasue she goes on about WHERE WERE YOU!? but its not even where were you, that's not the point of the question.
the point isn't: I was worried.
the point isn't i'm upset you didn't call
the point isn't call next time
the point is to yell about all that and 6 more things about being dead in a ditch.
then i slink off because i think its bullshit.
it's bullshit that they could have been dead in a ditch becase yes, they COULD HAVE BEEN, but if they're standing right before you, what does it matter anymore.
you can say, hey call next time.
you can say you worried me
but you cant just yell and yell about nothing over and over again

i feel this way about shakespeare too.


and when i go off to the lake with roxanne and she comes down the hill looking for me i feel hella retarded because...we do shit the way we do shit.
when honestly it's she who shouldn't be out walking in the fucking hills and mountain lion territory.
would she do any better against a rattlesnake than i?

so we tried calling her on the cell phone but she didn't pick up.
so we gave up and a bit later i went downstairs singing and decided to crack open the cooking sherry and there she was sitting at the table reading a newspaper.
i asked where she goes and she said it wasn't important.
i forgot to mention how she shouldn't do that because people get in crashes when they're upset because they're upset and aren't paying attention.
i get the feeling she just went right down to the bottom of the road and ranted and cried for a bit.
i do that, too.


there's something wrong with my left foot.
it gets all cramped up all the time
and it's been going numb in the middle of classes for the past few weeks.
noticibly since i took all those sleeping pills. it's asleep right now =(
and it cramped up in the weirdest way ever.
my toes were stuck in this whackass position and it felt the way that muscle stimulater thingie felt
except worse because it wouldn't stop
it was like i was flexing muscles that weren't meant to be used, in a way they weren't supposed to be used, for an extra long time.
like tears in eyes pain.
yeeowch.
and we watched family guy, the stewie movie thing. it was all right.













i guess what i'm trying to say..
my point is that my family confuses me.
the way the people in my family deal with their problems and their duties makes me wrinkle my eyebrows.
sometimes the way i do things makes me do that too, but... with them it's...(80 bajillion times) worse.

kj makes sense i think.
victoria said that if she were a boy she wouldn't go out with me.
i told her i was pointing at joshs sweater and going see? see? see? see? see? and kj said i'm like a pokemon
and she asked what we do at that wretched school and i told her how i scream at the rain and how i run over to some girls pants and tell her i love them
and i said i wonder why kj sticks with me
and she said i do too.
and she caught my eyes and said i seriously wonder too.
and i said ... me too.
and she said if i were a boy i wouldn't go out with you. you're too weird. then she said, and if i were a girl...well i am a girl... but i would NEVER go out with kj.
and that made me feel a little better that she wouldn't go out with him either...because that makes her wrong.
get that? see how that works? i get it, it's like big metal things squishing the plastic into little toy soldiers.
or...not so, but you catch my drift.

anyway, that made me kind of sad because...victoria knows many things. and she doesn't know why kj would even hang out with me. then again...she was saying, more like, she wouldn't if she were a guy. which could probably also mean she wouldnt if it weren't for remo and...carla
but...

i don't know that kind of makes me sad.



i don't think any of us really like rejection...


i don't know why we reject eachother.
i don't know why we reject ourselves.
i don't know why we reject our feelings.
i don't know why my mom didn't fucking divorce him and take the kids a long time ago.
now she's just screwed.
if she would have left this fucker before we even moved to cool, she would have found some guy in san jose while she was still sane, you know? maybe then we would have a..father at least. and maybe we would get the whole social scene and maybe i would understand what it means to get and A on your paper and maybe i wouldn't look at the sky and think tornado and maybe i wouldn't look at the rain and think roses.

what did kj say...? what was i talking about on the rock?
something about...
something...
i want them to be fucked up? people? what was i saying. it doesn't matter because that was the past.

like on lion king where he hits him on the head with the stick. and simba goes what'd you do that for?
and rafiki goes it doesn't matter its in the past, now you can either run from it, or learn from it.
and he tries to hit him again and simba ducks.
then he takes his stick and they run off to save the pride lands.

i don't know why she does the shit she does.
she's taking out the trash right now.
i'm sitting right here.
she could go CECILIA TAKE OUT THE FUCKING TRASH.

and i can't even say she's been a bad mother because i would feel so rotten.
i already feel rotten.
i feel like puking.
...
my stomach feels like its rotting away. like theres acid and poison inside
and i ate some food, but it still hurts pretty bad.
i wish i could get my stomach scraped out.
i wish i could sell my tv and buy a new one.
i wish i could get rid of everything that is just a want and not a need.
i wish i could live with being uncomfortable.

she isn't a good adviser.
i'll leave it at that.
she lectures.
she yells.
she cleans.
she cooks.
she tells us to keep our secrets to ourselves.
if you think about it, she expects us to talk about things, but when mark tells the truth she doesn't. she expects me to be honest to everyone, but when she wants to know something she takes me out to another room and whispers abou it.
i put up with that crap for a long time but for the past 2 years i've been telling her i don't think that's important.
she'll tell some secret or other and say don't tell and i'll say i wasn't going to anyway and i don't even know why you tell me.
i used to just tune her out.
then i started telling her i wasn't going to say anything anyway
then i started just telling her i don't care
now i look at her like she's a dumbass and let her talk.
i hate when i give her that look.
i can feel it when i do it, because it only comes when i'm looking at her.
when there's some dumbass kid at school talking about something i don't really understand or care about, i patiently talk to them and try to get what their saying, to get past whatever is blocking our communication. and usually i get it, then i find out that i cared after all, and i learn something an di love it, so i go talk to all these random kids at school.
but with my mom its...its like we've done the same thing every single day.
the same things are on her mind.
she yells about the same things.
her replies are the same.
the things she does when she's cold are the same.
the things she does when she drops an egg are the same.
the things she says when she forgets something at the house and we're already down the driveway are the same.
and i can say something to her to try to get her to understand
and in 20 minutes she's doing the same thing.

you're not supposed to give up on people, cecilia, shit on channel 31 tells you that all the time. not john edwards, but that whackass pet rescue show.

but she really hasn't changed. maybe it's just that i'm doing what i'm doing, that is, trying new things all the time.
she's stuck on one thing so i should do the same attempt over and over until one day she's smiling.
until one day when she drops the egg she goes uh oh! and cleans it up instead of ...starting to yell in spanish while calling herself an idiot.

i...can't repeat the same thing over and over like that.

some people had to walk 3 hours in the snow.
fuck.
i'd give up and take a nap. then i'd be dead for hours in the snow.
then i'd be frozen, right?
then in hella hella years some scientist would be like Wow this was a person who was living and breathing in 2005 and they'd dwell on it for centruies when really i was just some fucking slacker that felt like taking a nap in the snow.
i want to fucking pull my hair out.
i want to fucking grow my hair out
i want to fucking howl at the moon.
i want to growl at a wolf that's mean and hungry.
i want to stand in front of you and try to make you understand I Am Fucked Up
what's ironic is that i'm too fucked up to show anyone just how fucked up i am so instead i write about it and put it out on the internet or in a journal that nobody will ever read except me anyway.i mean, really? i don't even read the crap i write on here.
...sometimes when i'm feeling really fucked up, i'll read it to see if i were ever more fucked up.
that usually helps hahhaha
which
completely answers my question about Why do we care so much about history to write it down
we want to know what we thought was important and i want to know whether i was more fucked up then or now.
i'm starting to see that i'm kind of...consistently fucked up.
ha...haha.


whatever.
basically, i just want to be accepted.
i want things to be fair, which they never will be.
i want the people around me to be happy.
i want to live in a place where the people i live with talk about things that make sense.
i don't want to go around in circles.
which is funny because...that's what we do.
i wonder sometimes if the sun ever looks at the earth and goes what the fuck are you doing.
like does it bother the sun to be the center of the galaxy? everythings revolving in circles and revolving around you and there are things revolving around them...
it's a lot of circles.
everything is a whole crapload of circles.
and i act like that's profound, because it is to me.
but really i'm just a stupid kid in U.S.A. with drinking problems and free education.
and that is why i laugh at hamlet.
and that is why i laugh at mr chollet
and that is why i laugh at everything because we are all on person making up one people and trying to put a label on it.
STUPID STUPID STUPID
i could stamp it on everything.
but since everything is ironic i could get a stamp that says MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER and put it on everything, too.

don't you hit that deer, mom.

i'm really sick and my voice sounds really gross and odd. but its weird because i love when other people sound like that.
but remo was talking about premature marijuana and i just screamed "I WAS PREMATURE!!"
i mean, i wasn't premature, but i still screamed it.
and i did it because it sounded really good with my voice all fucked up and it was like YEAH, I WAS PREMAATYUUUAA!!
even though..when you scream crap like that it doesn't even count when you try to spell it out.
i hope i didn't get kj sick =(
but i probably did because...he's all immune system weak and we're always kissing and i take too much cough medicine and start to get sick and sort of forget about the fact that i'm starting to get sick until i'm already sick, then my little bit of sick goes around and infects all the people that i make out with in the halls.
i love my boots.
i love drugstore cowboy
i love mark twain
and i love the bra that i'm wearing right now.
i kind of want to scream myself to sleep outside.
then i'd be even sicker.
and i could say YEAH, I WAS PREMAATYUUUAA!! whenever i wanted to because i'd always be sick because i'd be from nicaragua.
yeah right





thats the one thing you can't change: you can't change where you're from.

man i feel like puking
i will puke all over you
you being me.
god oh god oh god oh
uhhhhhhhhh
yeah thats about it

i feel like puking.
bleckkkkk
    > o
    -

whenever i say that
i go 'i might as well make it worthwile'

boy oh boy!!!
i'm....thinking about yesterday night. like 3 am yesterday/this morning.
my dad was seriously fall-over-drunk
and he was talking about how mark is martin luther king
and he was talking about rocket launchers + george bush
and he was talking about jostons
and he was talking about his father
william henry berry
i never ever ever ever knew that his name was william henry berry
or that he died with 1600 dollars and 1500 went to the funeral and the rest was supposed to be split up between like 8 kids.
and that my grandma (whos name was apparently mary, not helen after all...) said well your wife is a mexican but i love your kids anyway.
that if the berry family way had won we'd have slaves.
and i watched my father stumble and then mark brought home the miller i'd been so desperately waiting for. i hopped off "to bed" and left mark to deal with my drunken father while i dealt with my drunken self.
white trash bastard.
and me a mutt.
i wish i could stand on top of the roof and look down at thousands of swarming zombies and.
i wish that i could stand before them instead and open my arms
so they can tear me apart
glen and me watched dawn of the dead today by the way as if it matters to anyone in the universe anyway.
why do we...put things down?
why did shakespeare write hamlet?
why are we trying to keep ourselves forever.
why did we create photographs and video cameras.
ways to keep it.......
which isnt keeping it real
like i said in drug-frenzy number 17 in the woods with vomit and horror and KEEP IT REAL when that's impossibly when i never would have remembered if not for the video camera anyway.
wretched.
get thee to a nunnery
...
wait...i mean

....the gas station.
DXM awaits, young child,
i so wish i had a way to get there,
i could hitchhike, but i don't have any money either.
i have scotch whisky
i could pull that off
but i won't.
i'll sit down and stare at my econ book and sob about all the homework i have.
when i could be "using my time wisely"
like victoria and kayla and amanda berkey and ryan and everyone that would have been there instead of here or here instead of there.
while i'm here watching waynes world for the first time ever
because

it is all about the music cecilia so listen to some billy joel!!!!!

i firgured it out
i focus being "fucked up"
so that i don't have to tolerate everything you have to tolerate. everything we should have to tolerate. People being fucked up. life being fucked up. taxes and rent and how mr hendrix doesn't even know how the class of 2006 is going to pay for their houses. our houses. Houses that how will I afford?
what am i saying anyways?
something about carla
and meaning
and honesty.
how can i disguise my own self
with pills
and beer

The factory mass producing fear, bottled, capped
distributed near and far,
sold for a reasonable price.

The people they love it
thet feed it
brush with it
bathe with it
breathe it
inject it direct to the blood.
It seems to be replacing love.



You know theres always gonna be pedigree
one own the air
one pay to breathe.

by the way
i love roxxy
i love kj
i love remo
i love victoria

i love victoria so much that i'm going to look up whatever is wrong with her and buy her some very nice chocolate. Nice chocolate from a nice store.
the kind that costs hella money.
or i could knit her a pretty thing.
a pretty thing for the cancery girl.
a pretty hope that she gets pretty well after a pretty short period of time.

okay...? i said i wasn't drunk, but i figure i was lying because i always lie when i say i'm not drunk unless i don't feel like lying at the time. Yeah that makes all the sense in the world, cecilia.
I'm supposed to be doing note-taking or current event making or color wheel drawings that were due days ago that weren't even today.
I'm sitting here wishing i was sitting at home listening to Nofx going Y MUSSED OUI STAY WEAR WEE DONT BELONGE.
because there's never gonna be enough space.
It's hilarious when you look on the left side of the library and you see masks that some stupid high school kids made, then you look on the right side of the library and see egyptiion masks and fancy shmancy dragon masks.
I notice these things.
i don't give a shit that i'm kind of ill. that i sort of don't have a liver right? that i sort of can't walk all the way up any given hill without stopping.
that when i run from lower campus to mr. kendells classroom, i feel like my heart is exploding and i think to myself wooo i wish i had some pills/some vodka/some pot/a cigarette/some beer/something to fuck me up.
and when i have't slept for two days i lay under the blankets whispering I'm Not Tired because if i fall asleep i won't hallucinate.
then i think if i had some pot...
then i think if i had some coricidin i would never have written that horrible stupid essay in the first place.
i was under the influence of no sleep
i was hyperventilating on my roof for 2 hours.
i had never done that before. Does that make it...something to brag about? ha...hah ha. i don't know why i began. but i threw every diary-notebook-thing i've ever written in. and i tore my calendar off the wall and i sat on the floor hugging charlotte and i could not breathe right. I really had never done that before. The next day i took charlotte to school and wrote dishonest on my head. which is dumb because i usually am honest and if i write dishonest when i am dishonest i'm being honest but since i usually try to be honest and i wrote dishonest i was being dishonest and trying to be honest about it when really i should have written dishonest on someone elses head. You can't write things on your own head while trying to write things on humanities head.
i can't, anyway
because i'm trying to be honest every time i make no fucking sense and people say you're cute.
and i get so tired of it that i want to go take a nap. but i have homework to do so i drink some vodka so at least i'm...sober.
get it???
it doesn't matter (i dont matter) because of everything that shakespeare said AFTER he was already dead.
because you don't make sense
and because i don't make sense if i'm you and i'm i and i'm me anyway
and i have chapped lips and honestly that's all i've talked about today that really matters.

honestly

hahahhahahahahahhahahHAHAHAHA!!!!!

religion.,....can go to helll
precision












fuck that as welllllll










oh man
it was funny in my head
then i put it in...the air
and now its just stupid
gross popcorn
bleckkkkkkkkk


=(

you don't EVER say "rats tooshie"
you say "rats ass"


engaging.
i hate mr sammons.
remember that shit??
i bet cody brownell does.

you know... i think what people don't realize about me is that i'm thinking about this crap ALL THE TIME.
i never ever thought i'd have a happy moment at golden sierra high school...
fuckin...
i'm still drinking jello
maybe i'll apologize tomorrow.

if my nephew slurped up ranch dressing.....i would go to school and talk about my drunk nephew .
that's how lame I am.

fuck yeahh!!!!
i'm so fuckin mexican
i go home and i put my mom to sleep with tea then i steal her keys and go buy more pot.
i'm so fuckin mexican
mark and me sit there for an hour just jiggling our jello and cracking up laughing at the noise it makes. and we hadn't even taken a sip....slurp...whatever.

victorias shoes smell very...odd.
but i'll clean them tonight
and wear them tomorrow

it is 7:45 and i still haven't done my homework...so i drink more jello...
they call me mellow yellooouuuwww.

















i so totally have no self esteem.
i so totally think kj is the most attractive guy in the whole fucking everything with fuckin.......
i hate psoriasis

THERE I FUCKING GO
you don't care!!
i don't even care, i nevfer did.
i.....do
half and half
god that shit's good


one day you'll figure it out
that my train of thought crashed.
a lsssssssssoooooongggggggggggg time ago
without those sssssss's
you get it
i get it
hair dye
yes......................
x


i should sign my name with an x.

or like zorro





Z









that don't make no sense




wahooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


















we all live in a yellow submarine.
strange food.
strange food.
strange food.
strange food.
strange days.
strange nights.
strange breath.
strange....



black lung got you down
tonight
saving it all for work
suha pins her arms to her side
watching
her twin
want to die.

Do not talk to me when i am hiding under the computer going pigeon feathers yah yah yah!
because
tomorrow
i'm going to hate myself
more than i hated myself
today
yesterday
january 14th 2001
you betcha!!!
and i make more sense to you
because i'm so fucking cooL!!!!!!!
oh yeah!!!



my life.
thank you jesus for the food we eat today
thank you god for the jello shots and the minute maid fruit punch with vodka in it
thank you god for the vodka
thank you god for the candle with your face on it
thank you god
for the eyes i have
to look at whatever else you put before me

thank you god for putting beethovens 9th symphony on the preview for chicken little
thank you for putting the ramones on my shirt and on my computer and on the diet pepsi commerica

i do not like them sam i am

god you are funnny funnnnnnnnnnny fuuuuuuny guy
woooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooohhhoooooooohhhhhhohohohohoo

i do not want to go to school tomorrow

fuckin
i'm not gonna go see my gramma
fuckin
i'm too drunk
to be drunk
to drink jello
to just...nod
my grandmother
no









id ddnt' take my drivers ed test





usually i try not to sound like such a fuckin drunkass mexican
hahhashahahHAHAHAH
yah right
i lvoe being drunk
and i lvoe being mexico
-an
mexico-an
fuck yes!
i'm not mexican
i'm franco-unamerican!!
thats no way to go franco unamerican
i wanna move north and be a canadian or hang down low with the nice australians!!!!!!!!!
FYOFGSJDSQ@!!!!
yes


i'm not actually all that drunk
sometimes i just get all riled up.
i mean
i didn't even drink a whole glass of jello
who drinks glasses of jellow anyway?
there's not much vodka left.
i should really have done that essay
instead of.....fanooooooooooooooodling
and of course drinking jello
if i were drinking beer, that essay would have been done
because beer + essay = genius shit
in my case (in mr chollets class anyway)

whatever.
i love cake
i love becker
i love nofx
i love stupidass shit
and guys in backwards hats
i



i just want to be happy

happy halloween kids

because there are two choices to me
i'm either going to roll my eyes and chug the jello
or i'll push you onto the couch and kiss you
day one
day two
days when i hate tea
and i hate diets
but i love kenneth james

i love everything
even the things that i hate
i love so many things
so why do i complain?
i don't know
i love complaining i guess.
i....
am so totally alive
my heart beats kind of funny sometimes
and my stomach always hurts becasue i'm always on pills
but...
i'm working on that.

this doesn't make sense
i have to pee right?
but i didn't DRINK i just ate jello..
FUCK!!
BECKERS ON!!!
OH GODD!!
must watch..

it is not fair
when everyone in your house gets to talk about their fake shit and poke fun or get mad about stuff that doesn't make sense. they get mad about lighting eachother on fire when they're not even really lighting eachother on fire. and they're lying about being pissed off and it makes them pissed off.
but i'm not allowed to talk about the real shit thats bothering me.

if i fall...
they all fall.

i'm the part that is holding up this crooked ugly tower
and if i fall they all fall.

i am the one that makes you laugh
and if i fall you fall

i am the one that makes you feel welcome
and if i fall he falls and that makes you fall.

i am the one that keeps her sane
and if i fall she falls and he falls and that makes her fall and they all fall down

but what's funny is...
none of that is probably true.
they probably know
i'm just as fucked up as they are.
but i wonder about that.
because i keep myself secret.

i would pay money that i earned that i could be spending on drugs for some crunchy cheetos that aren't stale.
i have puffy cheetos that are stale right next to me.
i gotta say thats not as good.
i miss shannon.
i could give her a chat right now.
we could have a nice chat.
she talks to me when she's fucked.
i should talk to her when i'm fucked
gemini
right?


blind me.

both sides
same birthday
one year apart
blond and brown

he tears his baby apart just to see whats wrong with it.

the difference is he killed it once he found out what it was.
and i want to cry.
and i wish i were there to say "cut"

i wish i were drunk.
i'm not drunk
its 1 21 am
i'm going to be fucking hungover
kjs going to have to deal with me
i'm going to have to deal with me
i always have to deal with me
i wish someone else would take care of it for a while...

but
who
the fuck can you trust with yourself?

i, myself, i mean.

not mr johnson, he barely got his class going
not mr chollet hes fuckin nuts
not ms kettele cuz she's satan
not mr hendrix because he has his ways of acting like he cares but he doesn't really give a shit about what he gives a shit about, right?

not my mother, she's crazy and she can't even take care of herself.

not my father, he has the money but no idea of what emotion is.

not my brother, he's got his own problems


isn't that the thing? we all have our own problems. i have my own problems.
here they are.
and this is how i deal with them: i write and i drink jello shots.
i'd love to take a break from all this writing and drinking but i'd come up with some stupid suicidal scheme if i take my eye off myself.

thats it, really.

me in a nutshell.

a very big 17 year long nutshell.
good one cecilia. you suck.
no
thats the thing isn't it.hahahhahaah
kicked YOUR ass!
*points, winks, sticks tongue out, does odd dance and goes all wide eyed and shiny eyed all of a sudden

this is me
happy once again.
i
got
nowhere

nofuckingwhere
and its 1 26 now
i'm still getting drunk
i'm gonna have a halloween party
all by my lonesome
i'm gonna stretch first.
....
and not be depressed for the next couple minutes at least.
and write upstairs where i don't have the option of submitting all this nonsense to my non-readers with their non-lives and their non-concerns.
oh my tummy box does feel broken often though..

i'm wondering how long this wretched body will last...
my eyes
my head
my stomach
i bet you 30 bucks i'm going to be incapable of having kids
i don't know why
i predict a painful accident in my future.
like frieda.
like i hope so because you do not want my....offspring... running around if you know whats good for you, prez bush.
of course, we don't really want ashley holseys offspring running around either
or jason baldwin children
or kenny mills baby childs.
but i FIGURE they're going to have a kajillion kids each because life works out that way
then you go on the bus
and sit in the front and look behind you
and there you go.

thats why i love me thats why you love me thats why we all throw hot dogs at cecilia rose anne i'm gonna kill myself berry.
more jello!!
i feel mexican because "TEQUILA!!!" then we all go around laughing becasue we're fuck ups.

my family
my father
my boyfriend
my dog
me
dead cats on eraserhead
my life
rocks shit

so fuck you and your little dog too.

i killed a moth.
i'm sorry.
i can't even spell big words.
when you look at what you recieve.
12 years, my life.
i get this:

i was going to quote it.
i like quoting things...
but my crazy insane mom who cleans...
she cleaned it up.
and i lost the jostons paper.
maybe its jostens.
i lost my reliability.
because she cleaned it.
i have points sometimes.
until you take them away.
mother?

ever so sweet
you baked it in cakes for me
we left behind
its not my fault

NEVER ENDING LYRICS.

i will not add to you
to this
i am the sea witch
i am your halloween
i hate halloween
i hate halloweenies
i hate when creature babies cry
and nobody pays attention to what THEY want.
because they want to yell shut up
and they want to eat whatever they want to eat
and you cant give them what they want
because
you
are
a
fuck
up
with the crazy mother that brushes her hair
and the grandmother with the hat and the glasses and the style but we light her cigarettes
and we all cry here
we all die here.
that guy...has some crazy fucking hair.
whats funny is i'm not even drunk yet.
this is me sober.
you do not want to deal with this.


i kick the penny.
but i pick up the dime.
but if the penny is still there when i come back,
i'll take that too.

fuck

....

what i want.




i am horribly depressed. and some people think i'm funny. or cute. or smart. nope. it is depression. wretched horrible depression. and it's kind of funny. yes. i laugh. when i get it.
i cry when i don't get it.
usually i'm laughing.
usually i'm crying.
i'll laugh for you.
i'll make you laugh.
you can never see me cry.
i will never make you cry.
dark side
light side
white side
black side
human side
creature side
the side that cries
and the side that laughs

i don't care WHAT your song is about
i've heard it all before.
in my head.
i just care about whether it sounds good

i hate when there is too much of one thing.
i hate when i...have always wanted to go to a graveyard on halloween.
but you don't let me.
i ask.
we're right there.
you drive right past it.

i am thinking about peter pan
hook
i never saw peter pan
with wendy and tinker bell.
i saw hook. with robin williams.
jack was remo.
because he played baseball and he drew
and it made sense then
other things make sense now.
like daylight savings time
and...death.
life is ugly.
and butterflies are life.
butterflies are change
butterflies are beautiful
otherwise why would roxxys bat have butterfly wings
roxxy wears silk
i don't wear silk
i have psoriasis
that is probably why

i have that low self esteem
don't you fucking dare try to cheer me up or i will look at you in the eye with emptiness you don't want to see.
i can't say that to everyone.
you can never say ONE thing to everyone.
because there are a lot of ones when you say "everyone"
and ones think different ways

one own the air one pay to breathe.

i will never tell anyone that i hate nofx. no matter what kind of torture devices they put me through.

cancer patients cannot do that kind of shit. fuck that. fuck that fuck that. i hate you people. living breathing laughing and wasting.
i loved that girls hair.
i'm a fuck up just like you.

this is me

it's always me
same face.
same ways.
mexican
stupid
ornery
my mom says that last one.
i don't actually believe her, but maybe mother knows best.
"ha...ha ha"
i put that in quotes because i'm not really laughing
it's like...supposed to be ironic.
but i don't find it ironic
i just find it pitiful and stupid.
and disapointing
and painful.
and wretched.
just like everything else in this particular ragtime timeframe
i'll put some words together that don't make sense
noodlefry
that actually makes some sense
noodleBIB!!
that one doesn't make ANY fucking sense but we go there all the time at school! right!!??
right??
FUCK GOLDEN SIERRA
FUCK MR. CHOLLET AND MR. HENDRIX
FUCK THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

i could hum to myself
you don't exist.
you don't exist.
i don't care who you step on to get where you get.
you don't exist to me
as i don't exist to you
i'm just a number

i'm so hopeless
i don't even know my number

614....
2997....
with something in between.
i wish i could have fun trick or treating.
i wish i didn't just look at what i just wrote and say "fuck trick or treating" out loud while i took a drink of jello-liquid-vodka-cherry flavor.
ALWAYS WITH THE CHERRY FLAVORED POISON.

i could go off on that one. won't.
could.

i love my boots.
i love my ring.
i love my jacket.
i love my skirt.
i love my tights.
so i wear what i love.
whenever possible.
and i keep what i love close to me.
and i keep who i love close to me.
when i am close to him, i am close to who i love.
very close.
super close.
i can't help it.
honest.
if i had the choice i'd be stuck to him right now.

but i have...issues.
because i can't let people get close to ME
but at the same time i want to be close to them
and i want them to be close to me
but i can't admit it... or i can't...something.
i don't even know.
i wish i did.
like angels
because it all goes back to that.
even though that is not important.
only money is important.
only hopes aren't important.
only dreams are only dreams are only dreams are only the best part of your life and you write it on a ring while you get a job at dennys and you get child support because you had sex with some dumb bitch.
while i write fuck you on my ring.
because...i figure it will still fucking apply in 20 years.
right?
right.
RIGHT.

i don't know anything about music.
i don't know anything about anything other people give a shit about.
i don't even know anything I give a shit about.
i know shit about random shit that i don't know where i got it but i repeat it to myself because you never know when you might need to know that mosquitos are more attracted to you when you've recently eaten bananas.
and sigmund freud was deathly afraid of ferns.
god only knows where i got this information
maybe i made it up
does that change the fact that i know it?
does anything change anything?

did hamlet change anything.
hell no.
hamlet died.
shakespere died.
i died.
we all died.
that is the story, morning glory.
that is the end.

where'd the day go, diego.
i'll tell you where it went when it fucking gets back.

i really don't know anything about music.
i know what kinds of songs i like.
i know what kinds of songs i would prefer to pass up in favor of elton john.
i know what kinds of songs i would prefer to pass up in favor of rap.
i know what kinds of songs i would prefer to pass up in favor of msi
or nofx
or bob marley
but it seems consistent
but it isn't
because some days i will skip everything i have ever heard, to hear some weird country song about trucking and traveling.
because
i need something new.

i hated saw
why did i go see saw 2?
i knew i would hate it
i should have gone trick or treating with roxxy
or at least just stayed home
these people waste their money on me and i don't even care about them
mom
dad
names! there is no affection
i don't give a shit about my parents.
their lives don't mean shit to me.
i am serious.
i am sorry.
but they made me this way.
i mean, i didn't raise myself....or did i?
i don't remember.
my mom is very adament about this...that she loved me.
she brings it up a lot
how she used to take me places and do shit for me
makes me think
if i have a kid
i won't take them places or do things with them or for them until they're old enough to remember it.

my parents did things the way they did things
sit on your ass kind of things.
smoke in the house kind of things.
drink every night kind of things.
clean all day kind of things.
then we made apple pie.

i wish i were not here.


all the fucking time.


i'm depressed! and i wish you all spoke the same language as me!!
and i wish i had you here
and i wish we were trying to understand
and i wish i made sense
and i wish you made sense
but for FUCKS SAKE
wishing doesn't mean SHIT

this is me
growing up
by myself
watching eraserhead
talking to myself
fucking
yelling at myself?? But silently right, because THEY can't know about it.
being me.
knowing?
life.
fuck life.
fuck death.
fuck you.
fuck day of the dead.

counseling myself, that's what i meant.
i'm doing that all the time.
this is me
telling me
to get a life.
to myself.
i mean...other people should be doing this for me,
yelling at me, i mean.
WHY THE FUCK DON'T I UNDERSTAND.

and when i put myself
for you to see
and you still talk to me at lunch
or you still talk to me on the bus
i...wonder.

(oh i wonder wonder whats in a wonder ball!!!)

i hate fucking lyrics cecilia do not bring this up.
i hate all my little show tunes i sing all day
but this other half of me totally loves them
and SINGS them
which is worse.
that's why i'm fucked up
you get it ro


because...
you say it.
you say that you love me because i'm this great marvelous person or whatever
but theres this other side of me thats all fucked up

but FUCK...i'm here too...you know?? the side thats all fucked up is the part that...gets NOTHING.
i don't even love mySELF...
sure
i love that part of me thats all happy too
you all do
we all do
i'm just saying i'm here.
both sides of me.
i don't want to be rejected.
i don't want to be ejected.
i don't want to bring a gun to school.
i kind of do, actually. put the whole school on lockdown. my shining face all on the news and shit. give you something to talk about. fame? publicity? that would be interesting.
these are things i would never think about if i were......that happy cecilia with fairy wings and fairy godmothers. montegra. you know.
maybe you don't know

maybe i'm drunk and i just don't know it.
i've been drinking the jello

man! you eat the pudding, you suffer the consequences!!
so i'm laughing again.
because i cried when i watched saw
and i laughed when i watched saw
and i cry when i see you
and i laugh when i see you

fucking roxxy loves drama so much!!!
hahahahahha!!!
oh fuck

i hate myself
i love myself
i hate you
i love you
fucking get over it, me!!!!

why don't i have CANDY!!
because i'm lazy
because i'm mexican
because i don't trick or treat because i'm too busy being fucked up
DUH!!!
i need to find me a hobby.
or a videogame
or....a piece of string, something to keep me busy.
oh man.

so it's like jello....but it's not...quite...jello.
it's still liquid, but it's jello texture.
my nephew tells me to smoke pot. and drink vodka.
and my mom tells me to taste the drink.
and my dad tells me to experiment with everything.
and my brother tells me to wear a condom.
fuck
give it a break already.
and drink the vodka.
it's there.

so i taste it. and i go FUCK that is good. and nobody pays attention. because she is saying mark? mark? mark? mark? mark? why did you lie to me? huh? huh? mark?
and she is saying SHUT UP.
and he's kidding around.
and she's not kidding around
and she's starting fights.
and...
i just want to drink the vodka.

like when someone makes food "wrong"?
i eat it.
that makes it...make sense.
but the problem doesn't go away if you eat it.

and no one's awake at 12:23.
and i'm sorry to say that once they leave the room, i'm just going to put on eraserhead.
and i'm not going to care, until my mom comes back downstairs.
because
the jello shots are going somewhere.
and...that's me they're going into, because they are fighting. and he won't eat an enchilada if it has mayonaise in it. and she won't. but i will, if they would just shut up.
but that's the thing, isn't it?
they
will
not
shut
up.
who does??

i...don't understand.
i don't understand why nobody understands why.
i hate fights.

i will not fight with anyone.
no
fights.
so fuck war
fuck you
fuck question marks
AND FUCK THE INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY.
i blame you, future.
i blame you, past.
i blame me. present.
and that stupid girl who thought you would get a present at school.
and those stupid kids that don't get shakespere.
and those stupid kids that looked at me
like i'm an idiot
because i thought "a closed front zone may cause you to reduce your speed and even to select a new gap" was the funniest fucking thing in the world.
because it pertains to drivers ed you know?
but i read it
and i think about the manuel to sex like a drivers ed book. and that cracks me up.
because...i am an idiot
if you all look at me like that.
but isn't it still hilarious to me?

fucking who cares if the tree makes a sound when it falls in the forest and nobody hears it because there is never nobody in the forest.
but there is never nobody in me.
getting. me.

and i wish the people who love me so much...would get me.

kj gets me
roxxy gets me

and they aren't my family.
and that is not fair.
life isn't fair, says jafar to his jester.
because because because BECAUSE!!! of the wonderful things he does!
despite all my rage
i am still just a rat in a cage.
and MY RAT
is upstairs
and i
am downstairs
because i am a bitch and i kick my dog for going after my duck but i don't like my duck and i don't like my dog and i hate my dog and i hate my duck and i hate that i have ducks and dogs and i hate when sammy hates me too.

i AM in a world of shit, he said.

i am in a world of shit, i said.

i like jello and i like shots.
so here goes!!!!

im so fucking halfass
everyone in my family is negative. my mom is negative my dad is negative my brother is negative my nephew is negative.
and i try to be happy
but they fucking PISS ME OFF
and when i am happy they FUCK IT UP
and you dont understand
because you ARE NOT ME
and i am not me
because i want to fucking kill someone
and i'm the only one i have access to right????
FUCK halloween
FUCK enchiladas
FUCK everyone that ever killed kenny.
FUCK JOSTONS!!!
i fucking hate jostons
if the creator of jostons, if the person getting all the money off of jostons were right there, in front of my face, and i had a gun or a knife
i'd pick the knife to make him suffer more
FUCK JOSTONS
movies...
are about something
and music is about something
and jokes are about something
but sometimes people don't get them
and sometimes i don't get them
and pills are not forever
and i am not forever
and yorik is not forever
and you are not forever
and forever...
there IS no truth about forever, breane so none of your talks can possibly make me better because i am not good at anything.
i swear.
by god
i am not good at anything
and we only respect people that are good at something, the people that are of some use to us
young enough or old enough or nice enough or good at playing the same three chords.
(over and once again.)

i might not care about angels and god and pizza or pickles.
but i love nofx.
and when i hear green day on the radio
singing about the dawn of the
rest of our lives

i won't even do anything to destroy me
or mr. chollet.

because i think about some crazy shit
and i mean some crazy shit
i have seriously considered taking a gun to school over 10 times in the past week.
i don't have a gun though.
i would get into a whole lot of unnecessary trouble...not like the gun would even be loaded...they wouldn't care.
i don't have a gun anyway.

do you see??
this is the definition of "fucked up"
if you're fucked up, you go to the school and burn the senior papers and the jostons papers and the cap and gown too. and you scream at the fire. because you are so fucked up you don't even know what is going on. and you're screaming about WHATEVER comes to your mind. Halloween. how you have to capitalize the h in halloween. how you have to put a period at the end of a sentence, tying your shoes. we have LINES to fucking pay for a ticket to get in a building to get in line to pay for popcorn to get in a line to get a seat to watch a fucking movie you didn't want to see anyway.

you know what?
it is Halloween.
Make that six years.
It is October 31
Tomorrow is a new month
and I am still alive
and there is a guy attached to a string attached to a dead cat
fuck capitalization, man
FUCK IT
fuck halloween
fuck october
fuck new years
fuck maynaise with 90 calories, 90 from fat
I know this shit.
I hate this shit
I walked out of saw 2
what really sucks is that I walked INTO saw 2
god damn me
I’d say Fuck me, the way I say fuck halloween
but you fucking bastards won’t let me have that.
so fuck you
oh I could definitely kill myself
but that wouldn’t solve my problem


DIET COKE DOES NOT OWN FUCKING RAMONES
diet pepsi does.
FUCK THAT

how can you look around and say everything is not fucked up.
like i do that all the time. i mean it.
then i take another look.
and i'm exactly the opposite.
that is why i want to die.
because i contradict myself.
all the time.
and sometimes i look back at how i'm so opposite of myself and i love it.
but right now i hate it.
and it's a different day.
a different feeling.
but i'm still me.
and i talk to people, and they remember things i said at different times.
...
and they don't
they can't understand that...that doesn't apply anymore.

i wish i had someone to talk to.
here.
but you know...i have pills.
get it?
i have vodka.
i have fucking jello shots
so...it's inevitable that i'm going to go eat some jello.



i really am sorry that i'm fucked up.
i really wish i wasn't.
i really wish i believed in angels.
i really wish i believed in you.
i really wish i believed in me.
i really wish i could go dress up as a witch or a vampire or a halloweenie and go "trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat, if you don't, i dont care, i'll show you my underwear!"
that really never made any sense at all.
i never made any sense at all.

and when Eddie says "just the way you said that, i like little japanese games like harvest moon!..." about Me.
because i said that.
and i believe in it. harvest moon is a tight little japanese game and it is very cute.
but i hate when people say i'm cute.
i do not want to be cute.
i do not want to be anything.
i'm fucked up.
fucked
up.
so fuck your federal income taxes.
and rockin and rollin and whatnot
i'm quoting grease.
that's my fucked up.


that's your fucked up?
i mean...if you don't like chicken and watermelon...
i mean
if you don't like pizza and beer
...no??? donuts and milk? no...
harvest moon (thats the one)
then you're just fucked up in general.

if you never thought of bombing your high school there's something wrong with YOU.

i would be very glad
if i had people to be glad
about being glad
and being glad with them together gladly
in
gladness.
that sounds boring
...


jello it is.

i thought i was talking about something else.
angels.
how i don't believe in them and how i cried for it.
and how mys stomach STILL hurts
and how pills are forever
eternal
forever because marval is more pills than anything else
that is bad
i could get a job
i could be your number one superstar
i choose to take what i take
and do what i do
when i say
you gotta BE somebody



i want roxanne to come over
but my mom doesn't and she's crazy
so we tread softly
mark is looking at me

sammy tried to kill dahmer
it was kind of funny and sad at the same time
i gave her a bath
and called her a moose a million bajillion times
and she licked me all up
and i tried to go to sleep and she tried to eat me

i still want meth
but i probably wouldn't find it anyway