i love when this boy touches me
i love when this boy kisses me
i love when this boy puts his arms around me and i love when i feel like kj + me = forever.

i hate when i feel ridiculous.
i feel ridiculous.

i wish i was the kid that got shoved into the lockers.

dum dee dum
doo dee doo
hum diddly doo
muthafuckah!!!
nobody hates chris!
nobody hates christ!
we all hate christ!
FUCKIN this commercial shows some kids get on the bus with their skateboards. brand new baker skateboards. dressed hecka nice. they bust out their verizon wireless phones and watch gwen stefani. bullshit! brand new skateboards...scoff scoff scoff
grr grr


i feel like hearing some MSI

i'm so freakin itchy!
i hate myself.
i want to die.
i fucking have psoriasis.
godDAMMIT
i fucking hate A1 barbaque sauce
i hate thousand island dressing
i hate when sophomores that i thought were freshmen invite me to their house. and i say well i have to walk home. and so he says well you can come over my house and i can get someone to give you a ride home. and i say well there's things going on at my house with my family and i should go straight home. and he tells me i should ride his bus in the morning because it's closer. not that i don't like eddie.
i hate the fucking king of queens.
i hate the cowardly lions song
i hate when i'm supposed to be dong my homework and i don't even care.
i hate when i have saturday school and i'm going to be stoned as fuck
i hate when i'm fucking itchy as all hell.
i hate when i have to walk home from school and i forget in the morning, so i wear my boots, then my feet hurt like a bitch.
i hate when people try to make you feel better about yourself by saying they love you. i hate when i hate myself. i hate when i put on elvis and go totally crazy singing along. then i stop and sit on the floor like What the Hell is Wrong with me?!
i hate when dr. keebler calls anything i do inappropriate.
i hate that i never do anything appropriate.
i mean things like: i drink the shower water.
i brush my teeth with someone elses toothbrush sometimes
i have a tendancy to drink beer in the shower
and another tendancy to eat sandwiches while i'm on the toilet.
i cuss and spit and lie and drink and i yell when yelling isn't necessary.
i overreact to every kind of thing there is.
i dress like a fucking clown on meth.
if i could be, i'd BE a clown on meth.
i dance and sing songs about food while i'm making sandwiches. they don't even rhyme.



i wish i had an accent.
i wish i had a tattoo. i wish i had captian morgan to keep me company.
i wish i wasn't thinking about you twenty four seven.
i wish i had some miller high life
i wish i had didn't have psoriasis.
i wish i were blonde.
i wish i were cunning or...the artful dodger.
i wish i were strong and i wish i were funny.
i wish i could undertand.
if i only had a brain.

i'm a waste of time.
i'd go outside and scream if i knew it wouldn't freak out the neighbors.
i would kill myself if it wasn't such a.... disgrace.
i could imagine my mom "oh, my daughter commited sucide, this is so degrading! i'm such a failure as a mother" psh. crazy bitch. then she'd probably go kill herself.
then what the fuck would sears say?


when i was walking home from school (THE PAIN!!) i was heckah talking to myself. i said stop being so negative cecilia! look on the brighter side! you have kickass boots. yeah, but they're making my feet hurt. you have a kickass jacket, yeah but it's fucking HOT! you have the most kickass boyfriend ever, yeah but i fucking miss him. your skirt rocks shit! yeah, but it makes guys like Tommy come up and give me hugs and say shit like "with our skirt swishing ways" then i said to myself, well... at least i keep myself good company.


FUCK YOU PSORIASIS! i totally HATE EVERYTHING!!!
FUCK HARRY POTTER!
FUCK TOM CRUISE AND HIS TEETH
FUCK ICE WATER!
FUCK THE NEWS!
FUCK TEAM AMERICA!
FUCK KLEENEX!
AND FUCKING FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK JOSTENS!
i hate james bond.
i hate northside
i hate homework
i hate cleaning
i hate eating
i hate breathing
i hate noses
i hate the drugs
i hate bras
i hate shirts
i hate dr. keebler
i hate hate
i hate hate hate your guts i hate hate hate your guts and i'll never talk to you again.
i hate blink 182
i hate drinking beer
i hate being drunk
i hate taking pills
i hate wanting mushrooms
i hate hugging sammy
i hate hugging lissy
i hate hugging tommy i hate hugging drew i hate hugging eddie i hate hugging kayla i hate hugging everyone that hugs me.
i hate wearing jeans i hate wearing skirts i hate wearing tights i hate wearing sweats i hate wearing underwear i hate painting my nails i hate taking off my nail polish i hate having bad lungs i hate having bad hair i hate the fact that i've been meaning to get my hair done for so fucking long
i hate that babe is dead.
i fucking miss her so much.
i could cry right now just thinking about her beady little eyes.
naiobe kenobi could never be as important as babe was.
its not fair that everything dies
its not fair when you reach down to pick up a flower, queen annes lace, and it looks so pretty, but its covered in ants.
its not fair when the ugly yellow flowers end with he loves me, but the pretty pink ones end with he loves me not.
its not fair when i open my eyes in the morning
its not fair that the earth just keeps going around and around and around

and its not fair that nothing i say could EVER be profound because nothing can be profound anymore that everything has been said
AND FUCK HAMLET!!!


i just wish everyone would hate me as much as i do.
its fucked up
irony
fuck you shakespeare
FUCK YOU STEPHAN KING GO TO HELL AND ROT AND DIE AND ROT AND FUCKING ROT ROT ROT!!!

rot....that reminds me of pot....that reminds me of brandy...that reminds me of scotch whiskey
which reminds me of lonely
which reminds me...i'm so ronery
so ronery and sadry arone
FUCK TEAM AMERICA

eddie said my tree was gone
and its true but its still kind of odd

i wish i could go to hell and rot
i wish i were tom sawyer
i wish i could get a grip
i wish i were a cheerleader
i wish i had nice hair
i wish i had pretty hands
i wish i were a better person
and i wish i could get what i wanted
and i wish i could get a grip
i wish i had some licorice jelly beans
i am so glad i'm not a child molester right now
i'm so glad i'm not on drugs right now
i so wish i were on drugs right now

i wish i got my own jokes

i wish anything i said made sense
i wish i had long hair
i wish i were margarita donato
i wish i knew what was going on in my life
i wish i were cecilia rosanne berry
i wish i could blow out a match
i wish i could carve a unicorn out of wood
i wish i could fight cigarette addiction without a solid plan
i wish i knew what THE FUCK I WAS TALKING ABOUT
i wish my mom would go away
i wish i didn't think seriously about killing the chickens that run around my property
i wish dahmer didn't die
i'm glad dahmer died
i wish those fucking rabbits would die
i don't ever want those rabbits to die
i want to die
which wouldn't change the bullshit they broadcast on channel 31
which wouldn't help the lobbiests.
which wouldn't change a fucking thing
it would change their lives. like when i was in stockton some kid killed himself, he was in my class, i had never talked to him. i always wondered.
i wish i could start my own business
i wish i had nice teeth
i wish i were skinny
i wish i would stop complaining
but....actually i kind of like complaining.

i feel cheated
i feel rotten
i feel wretched
i wish i could get my ass kicked.
i wish i had someone to throw me down a cliff.

i hate mail.




okay i need to shift gears...(funny how i can just change my personality real fast)

i stretch and say to myself bernie mac can go to hell.
mmm i should make me some popcorn, i should make me some jewelry
i hate to mention this again, but i love kj.
when i think about him i wish i werent so ...negative.
ha!
funny because when i'm around him i'm so positive!
i really wish i had a daqueri
i think i'm going to write a song about it!!!

it is a wonderful thing
i-t it! is a wonderful thing!
when you go to a show and all the people you know
going THREE FREE SHRIMP yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!!!


i know, you loved it. i sure did.
mauahhhaha


yeah, retarded, i know.

i just stuck out my tongue.
i'm listening to nofx but i'm thinking about putting on a beatles record.... maybe elvis...
i'm so supposed to be doing homework (something new)
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!!!

fuck Spain, then.

i want to go there
i want to live there
i want to ride a donkey
and i want to get there with my own funds
ahhahah
good luck cecilia

http://www.visionremota.org/cuevas/index.asp

go there now.
i want it!!
it is $127,748
i bet my dad would buy it for me if i promised to pay him back,
and, you know...paid him back.

theres this guy in the blue mountains
and he rents out his caves
and it looks so fantastic there
and i bet he makes so much money
then i said, i think i'm going there.
then i looked up the blue mountains
and they're in australia
and he includes candles
for intimacy
and anyway, then i remembered that pink floyd coverband playing in australia and decided to look up nofx tickets instead
YEAH YEAH YEAH!
you know that we aint shit!

so i was talking to eli about underground houses. and i said i would dig myself one.
and he said that he hates digging, that he would rather do any physical labor but digging. and i said not me, i'm a digger.
and he said, that's because you're mexican.
and that was the best thing he has ever said to me.

blah blah blah i'm lame and depressed
blah blah blah i've gotta go pee
blah blah look at the airplanes go by blah blah i'm cooler than you blah blah pills pills breathe in breathe out blah blah blah

what a boring pile of shit!

i
wish i could go
so far away
where time moves too slow
day after day

and i'll wait
and i'll sit an watch the clouds as they go by.

i have a sensation with laziness
procrastination is what i do best

where has my ambition gone?
i haven't seen it for so long.
am i a burden to someone?

life...
i am so tired
of everything
all my desire
is vanishing

ill wait.. and i'll sit and watch the clouds as they go by.

i....talk....so much shit.
fuckin
i talk way too much
much ado about nothing.
much SHIT
much of me wanting to drink a little something
smiling like this
yes
talk about your o face
O!
hahahahahHAHHAHAh
oh man oh man
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIii
wish i were a drunk one right now
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
am so not a drunk one right now
IIIIIIIIIIIII
am making up a song that suck cock
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
am wishing for a red dog, red bull, red....house?
AHGH AHHAAAHAH
i
miss carla
i miss kj
i wish i weren't fucking retarded.
pshhhhaww

the shit you stepped on in the fucking woods!!!!!!

if only I could follow the yellow brick road!
so i watched the supposed suicide on the wizard of oz. and it's fucking stork or...crane or something. it is SO not a fucking suicidal munchkin/stagehand.
BULL FUCKING SHIT!
i hate everything!!!
and Fuck cranes!
and Fuck carrots!!!



i love kj and i shall tell you why:
because he noteices the guys in cosmo with big boobs.
because our arms belong around eachother.
and who even knows how many times we've sighed at the same time in our lifetime.
because i don't even have to sit like a lady.
because jellyfish hide in his eyes.
because most people hate how i wander from topic to topic and he doesn't.
i love him because he inspires me.
when i'm standing on the top of my hill and smoking a cigar and staring at the sky, i'm thinking about him.
when i'm standing on my roof with a beer in my hand, i'm thinking about him.
he makes me try to be a better person.
he makes me want to polish my nails, or at the very least, look in the mirror before i leave the house!

because i can act like a total dork (and by that i mean act like myself) and...he won't completely reject me.
it's scary though because...fuck, i reject myself! and it's kind of unfair that he loves me but i don't. i should...fix that one.
i would...
if i only had a brain.
hahahhahah

i'm sorry i'm so jealous.
i'm sorry i'm even jealous of apricots.
he makes me wish i could explain myself without sounding like a retard.
KJ!
not any guy, just him.
josh and adam and cat and all the wizards of oz's ever, even clint eastwood don't uh....hold a candle to him. Fuck i hate that phrase...

i love kj because he's so skinny and because he has sideburns and because he wears black and because he wears sunglasses and because he's blonde! because his name is kenneth james and because he used to go bee hunding
and he asked what if i'm his soul mate
and...ridiculous but in my head i say of course i am.
because he plays guitar
because i asked him not to tell me how zippers work and so he didn't.
because he doesn't hate me. and i go woah! because i'm afraid of that. after all, that's perfect for regret. going "idiot, cecilia, you thought he loved you!" but...i do. think so, that is.
and he makes me wonder about angels.
because i wished to someone.
over bridges and through the woods, right?
all: these are the qualities i want my flapjack to have, to the point. just like on practical magic. and what does that mean, i have NO IDEA!
anyway i'm waiting 2009 to discover
i love how he's the gunslinger. i love how he lets me be me.
i love how he buys food like i want that and that and one of those.
i love how he twirls me
i love how i said to shannon I'm likin your hair, and she said to me I'm likin your pants, and kj said to her, i'm likin your cousin and we kissed madly because it was so appropriate.
i love how he's the only guy i've had sex with sober.
even if we were in the bushes.
i ove how we ate bananas campagne wedding style
i love him because he's got it going on and because i get shivers all through me when he does anything ever.
because....honestly?
shhh, tell no one.
it turns me on when he dry humps my knee.
and i love him because he sang the goldfish song while he was blowing his nose on his PE shirt. and that still cracks me up EVERY time i think about it. like...i'm laughing right now.
heckah.
because he's bipolar.
because i'd rather hold him while he cries than talk to Tim fuckin Burton. because i'd rather go see Norma Jean with kj than go see NOFX with someone else. really. and that says a FUCKING lot.

he makes me feel like i'm normal and not some horrible whackass.
like i'm in love with the best guy in the world.
like i could paint a picture.
like i can smile the second i wake up because i'm singing MY COCK CAN WALK RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR
and because he reminds me of something......
flapjack.
sometimes....
sometimes i wish he could hate me because i really do deserve pain and misery and heartache for the things i do and the words i say and the way i am.
meaning, id never sleep with some other guy to fuck with his head.
meaning i'm sorry
but i'm fucked up the way i'm fucked up.
i'd tell someone something to break my heart
to make you hate me.
roxxy understands.
to make him prove me wrong.
because i'm a stupid girl
because i'm a silly goose
i wish i weren't fucked up.

i love him because Nobody has ever been this important to me.
i love him so much i'm going to get a job.
which also says a lot.
i love him because he'll tell me the truth
because i am white, remember?

i just want to make him happy.


but i seriously think about him way too much
hahahahahah
i'm going to eat some tostadas!!!

i am proud to say that, with the help of about 8 different websites, i have found out how zippers work. and not only how zippers work, but what the first zippers looked like! (and they were called Automatic, Continuous Clothing Closures, and later were called Clasp Lockers, and then became the Seperable Fastener, and finally the Zipper.)
I also found out why they all say YKK. The YKK means Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikikaisha. Which means Yoshida Industries Limited once you translate it. which, i think, is kind of ironic, because all our zippers say YKK America. This leads me to a new question: what the hell asshole American stole YKK from the Japanese?!

gemini

theres a class in here now so i have to leave elftown.
=(

i am sad and sore throaty
i wish i didn't have school responsibilities
i wish i didn't have to go pee right now
i wish i didn't have to nourish my body
i wish i weren't here.

i'm insane
you're insanne
he's insane
she's insane
they're insane
we're all insane

i would so round up your unwanted children and sic 'em on you

doo dee doo dee dooooooooOOOoooOoOOooOOoooOOooooo

well i was PREMATUUUA!!!

muahahaaha
enough, cecilia

this morning is a wretched morning.
right now i'm "library aiding"....hahaha. like i'm ever doing that, really.
i keep sneezing into my scarf.
=(
i'm sick, really.
and dammit, i really did mean not to kiss kj, because now he's going to get sick too...but did i really think that was going to work out, me not kissing him? ha..

i said to my mom i am not remo! and i'm not mark! and i'm not angie!
and she went ang- ceci, you're


because when i went downstairs with my eyes covered in black she was all Don't wear that to school, you obviously just want attention.
and so i started eating my breakfast and said i can't take it off now because then it would look like i have a black eye.
then we got in the car and she said how we all do everything just to spite her.
we do everything just to make her feel bad.
we don't care about her and we don't care what feelings she has.
and she was crying and yelling at me.
about how mark and remo don't respect her and how i might as well not come home because i'm just pushing the knife in deeper.
and she said we might as well just stab her
and she said go somewhere else, don't come home, i'll just be dead anyway.
and i got out of the car and the people at my busstop expected me to be happy as usual but i walked to the top of the hill with the sign and dangled my feet off the rock. i didn't come down until the bus was going to get there soon.

i feel like shit.
i feel like vomiting.
my throat hurts and i can't talk right.
i don't want to go home.
i don't have anywhere else to go.
i don't know what to say.
i don't want to go home and hear her apologies.
i want to go somewhere and chug a bottle of something.
a bottle of beer or a bottle of jack daniels or a bottle of robittusin or a bottle of pills or a bottle of jones soda.
whatever.
it doesn't matter about that.
nothing like that matters.

it doesn't matter that i'm going in my head
i'll never go back there
i'll never go back there
i'll never go back there
because won't i be there?
i'd rather stay at school all night.
but...i don't have any clothes.
*bites lip.
i....
didn't take notes for econ.
i'm not taking notes right now but i should be.

i'm in danger of not graduating because i'm failing english.

my mom doesn't accept me because she doesn't understand me because she doesn't talk to me. and i don't talk to her either. because she just talks about really stupid shit, and she hates that we don't care. but i honestly don't care.

same as when kj said i'll probably keep drinking until it does kill me.
and i said why
and he said you tell me.
and it sucks, you know, but...i don't....CARE enough to better this situation.
my mom really...
she seems all suicidal and junk
and i want her to stop
because she's fucking me up too
and i'm selfish
SELFISH, I



cecilia rosanne berry is a drug-addicted fool
and you're in love with her?

that is what i do not understand

i am coughing so hard right now.
i wonder why you put up with me.
i wonder...

my name is cecilia rosanne berry and i have sickness in me.
i have homework to do but i opt to take a nap.

i wonder what you want with me.
i want to tell you i have nothing to offer.
but i'm too selfish to let you know so i'll be quiet as a mouse.
which works out because i have a cold so talking hurts anyway.

mouses with houses and spouses.
ahhahahaha