My heart beats irregularly.
But im still awake.
I am a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece.
find me out. 


i'm bullshit
because i don't ever try.
just like i'm not cleaning my room.
just like i'm not taking notes on chapter 14 and 15.
just like i'm not writing a piece of satire for mr. chollet
just like i'm so fucking hungry but i'm not going to move.
don't think like that.
i'm a backflip superstar if i say i am.
i haven't taken those wretched pills in a while.
not to say i'm not longing.
longing
longing...

a whale oh a whale oh a whale
and a dinosaur made of clay
when i try to juggle thirty oranges
to make your baby smile.
and we watch a thousand movies
and i spend a thousand bucks
and we know that it was worth it
if the babies smile.
cuz
oh i wish i were a shining star
i wish i were a million miles
i wish i were the queen of spades
i know you'll find me.

will i ever remember?

i'm trying so hard to be close to you

i have somewhere over the rainbow stuck in my head.
i wish kj were here.
i wish i were here.
i wish you were here.
i wish victoria were here.
i wish ryan were here.
i wish carla were here.
i wish nick were here.
i wish vince were here.
i wish angelina were here.
i wish alysson were here.
i wish alyssa were here.
i wish angela were here.
i wish i were there.

yeah, i wash my hair with coal tar, what of it?
my stomach feel wretched and poisoned.
me rookers are all crakey she said to herself.
i am praying that when i get on the bus, kj will be sitting there. and i will sit next to him. and we will be in love.

i'll wear her necklace until its gone.

well, well, well
i'm finally back from "vacation"
now i need a fucking vacation.
i guess my whole family is on drugs.
meth or...heroin or something.
and they lie about it and they lie and say Destiny is doing good in school when really she's talk about behind.
and uncle ernie leaves lita at home all day when she can't even go to the bathrooom on her own.
these people are crazy.
and my uncle taught me a song on the piano but i forgot how it went
and GOD!
i was walking around san jose TOPLESS!
i wish i didn't always get so drunk.
i mean, the kind of drunk where you can't remember anything the next day.
carla gave me kickass skirt
it fuckin rocks the socks off the fox in the box
and the fucking knox too
i have so much homework to do i probably wont even try until i get myself an omelelelelelelett or something


i wish i could have spent this turkey weekend with the ones i love instead of the ones i'm so unluckily related to. luckily.
i love roxanne schick and i wanted to hang out with her so fucking bad.
and now i'm all lazy and my room....is a complete mess.
the floor is COVERED with clothes. clean clothes, not dirty, but still they're everywhere.
basically you walk in the door and find the place in shambles.

ni hongo wa wakarimasen!
yokodekimashita!
sekai desu!



biru wa doko desu ka?

yeah yeah yeah!!!
i'm off to see
(the wizard)
remo in a while.
1/8 mushrooms= 20 dollars
i'm going to get 40 dollars somehow.
and i need 20 more to try out salvia.
i guess...it's legal and awesome.
carla pissed her pants
that might be a turn off for salvia in my case: chance of pissing your pants
hahaha
i DO NOT want to do that.
i'm at angies house
i watched war of the worlds
it was okay, but...i mean it had tom cruise in it and he was hot, so i'm okay with the whole movie because of him

i read that wretched harry potter book, and it made me cry at the end. that's kind of funny, but it's true. i CAN'T believe dumbledore died! and in the end when Tonks said she loved lupin! i was like awwww! because i TOTALLY Guessed that in the last one! and in the end Harry decided to go off solo to find the rest of the horcruxes because he was still dumbldores man through and through. touching, really. but honestly i HATE HATE HATE that sirus died in the last one. i guess it made the plot a lot better, but he was a great character. and he simply MUST come back in the next one because jk rowling never puts in a magic artifact without it being of some significance in a later book and in the one where sirius died there was still that mirror thing that he left harry. and who the hell is R.A.B.?
and snape! talk about zip! talk about zowie! Golly gee gosh and wowie! i always loved snape because they always describe him as greasy! aww!! and now he's all EVIL and stuff!

anyway, i sound like one of those freak star wars fans, so i guess i'll shut up for bit

i can't wait to go to san jose!
i have to do notes for chapter 14 and 15 for econ
wretched econ

i doubt i'm going to college

i have this thing where i always want to be alone
unless i don't want to be alone
and i have this other thing where i always want to be drunk
except when i hate being drunk
which is always
always and never.

dang!
i love everything!
i'm like..... permanently stoned!
mark said that i dont need meth
because im already on meth.
and i was like wha?
but i know what he means
like "i'm high on life"
i have the highs
and i have the lows
THAT is love, kid!

so

if you wanna sing out, sing out!

if you wanna be me, be me!
if you wanna be you, be you!
cuz there's a million things to do
you know that there are

and if you wanna live high, live high
if you wanna live low, live low
cuz there's a million ways to go
you know that there are!

YES!
it doesn't matter what you're into
if it only matters to you!
when you are sweeping your indian house
with your indian broom
and drinking in ohio!
yeah yeah yeah!
we know that we aint SHIT!
so smoke your pot and drink your beer
and give your girlfriend flowers!
act like its the most important thing
when you get a raise and a promotion!
buy a new calandar every year
and don't let your house catch fire!
pick up the phone when it rings
unless the irish are after you
and if you wanna sing out, sing out!
if you wanna drink beer, drink beer!
if you want a new cat!
if you want a nice car!
don't step in the dog shit!
and don't fall in the puddle!
whether you're young or you're old
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

HA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHHahahhahaha
oh GAWD!
i could take it as the sweetest thing in the world.
but instead i'm like
don't you ever call my family whack!

oh boy!
i'm drunk with life!
there are so many things that are spectacular and amazing!
and when i get so sad
or so angry
or so depressed
i can look back on it and go YOU SILLY GOOSE!
because i don't REALLY lie to myself.

FUCK!
like when you look over at the stack of blank DVDs
and your dad lies on the taxes!
and when they talk about piracy its me they're talking about!
and when everyone else buys cds or movies you wonder what the hell is wrong with them!
and you go
WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS IN MALAYSIA!
even though you don't mean malaysia!
you just mean way far away.
malaysia=way far away!

i think i might not go to school on monday
because i'm wretchedly sick

i am:
sick
bored
lonely
tired
pissed off


you know...i'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

kj
will you marry me?

uh what the hell?
i'm so fucking sick!
i just wrote some whackass shit on my description
i'm sure it makes no sense.
one day i should actually put something decent on there.
like...instead of just rambling, maybe put some effort?
no
that's just ridiculous.
i have a fever, but i think it's kind of going away
i wish i had some cold medicine
if you know what i mean.

if my throat didn't hurt so much i'd call kj.
and roxxy
and probably carla because i haven't talked to her since she was all fucked up on mushrooms

wish i had some mushrooms...
kawaii desu!

i found out
that when i'm sad or depressed or angry or down for one reason, and i start to talk about that one thing, all the other things i hate just leak out!
and i think that's kind of weird!
but i think it's also kind of cool!
even though i said i hate ice water!
which is total bullshti!
i just contradict myself i guess.
sigh...
doo dee doo
i have become comfortably numb
even though i'm sick
i feel nice.

time for more benadryl?

i LOVE everything!

hahhahahaha!
this morning i was all depressed because of psoriasis. and i was like boo hoo
then i told myself Well, stupid, you TOLD everyone you're not anything special!
it doesn't matter whether i get psoriasis on my cheek because I don't have to look at me.
because remember, i'm NOT pretty, so it makes no difference!
then i started cracking up
because i cheered myself up again

i'm always doing that on accident
ALWAYS
i've always been the one to cheer me up since i was hecka small.
that is why we have to love ourselves
who else is supposed to cheer us up?
haha!
i hate everything!
AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!
i love that i hate chile
i love that i hate rap
i love rap!
i love hating everything
i love loving everything!
i'm the most positive kid in the world
it's time for school so i'm off!
(to see the wizard! we hear he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was, if ever oh ever a wiz there was the wizard of oz is one because, because because because because because!, because you know the rest.)

We were drinking with plouck
He drank a fifth of grappa
He told me that he loved me
And then he kicked me in the chest

Reap upon with David
Lies sitting on a heartache
The chances of us winning are about 1 in 16
He talked about the old days
Allegiance that are many
Across from us guys are sitting
From g'd up motherfuckers
And how, it was, TOTALLY FUCKED

We were drinking at the front end
With 2000 dirty squatters
We didn't want to fight them
So instead they beat each other up
Squatters don't have money
But at least they don't have showers
So when they're drinking their own piss
We didn't think much of it.
The moral of this story
Don't use your better judgment
Cause what good is an evening
If you can't even remember
Just how it was
TOTALLY FUCKED!!






and that is why i love nofx
those crazy whackass bastards going
we don't rhyme and we don't care we rock shit and have to pee right now 1 2 3!!!
fuck the kids fuck the kids fuck the kids!
fuckin i can't even express how much i love nofx
fat mike <3
erik melvin <3 <3
el hefe
eric whatever his last name is

i love when this boy touches me
i love when this boy kisses me
i love when this boy puts his arms around me and i love when i feel like kj + me = forever.

i hate when i feel ridiculous.
i feel ridiculous.

i wish i was the kid that got shoved into the lockers.

dum dee dum
doo dee doo
hum diddly doo
muthafuckah!!!
nobody hates chris!
nobody hates christ!
we all hate christ!
FUCKIN this commercial shows some kids get on the bus with their skateboards. brand new baker skateboards. dressed hecka nice. they bust out their verizon wireless phones and watch gwen stefani. bullshit! brand new skateboards...scoff scoff scoff
grr grr


i feel like hearing some MSI

i'm so freakin itchy!
i hate myself.
i want to die.
i fucking have psoriasis.
godDAMMIT
i fucking hate A1 barbaque sauce
i hate thousand island dressing
i hate when sophomores that i thought were freshmen invite me to their house. and i say well i have to walk home. and so he says well you can come over my house and i can get someone to give you a ride home. and i say well there's things going on at my house with my family and i should go straight home. and he tells me i should ride his bus in the morning because it's closer. not that i don't like eddie.
i hate the fucking king of queens.
i hate the cowardly lions song
i hate when i'm supposed to be dong my homework and i don't even care.
i hate when i have saturday school and i'm going to be stoned as fuck
i hate when i'm fucking itchy as all hell.
i hate when i have to walk home from school and i forget in the morning, so i wear my boots, then my feet hurt like a bitch.
i hate when people try to make you feel better about yourself by saying they love you. i hate when i hate myself. i hate when i put on elvis and go totally crazy singing along. then i stop and sit on the floor like What the Hell is Wrong with me?!
i hate when dr. keebler calls anything i do inappropriate.
i hate that i never do anything appropriate.
i mean things like: i drink the shower water.
i brush my teeth with someone elses toothbrush sometimes
i have a tendancy to drink beer in the shower
and another tendancy to eat sandwiches while i'm on the toilet.
i cuss and spit and lie and drink and i yell when yelling isn't necessary.
i overreact to every kind of thing there is.
i dress like a fucking clown on meth.
if i could be, i'd BE a clown on meth.
i dance and sing songs about food while i'm making sandwiches. they don't even rhyme.



i wish i had an accent.
i wish i had a tattoo. i wish i had captian morgan to keep me company.
i wish i wasn't thinking about you twenty four seven.
i wish i had some miller high life
i wish i had didn't have psoriasis.
i wish i were blonde.
i wish i were cunning or...the artful dodger.
i wish i were strong and i wish i were funny.
i wish i could undertand.
if i only had a brain.

i'm a waste of time.
i'd go outside and scream if i knew it wouldn't freak out the neighbors.
i would kill myself if it wasn't such a.... disgrace.
i could imagine my mom "oh, my daughter commited sucide, this is so degrading! i'm such a failure as a mother" psh. crazy bitch. then she'd probably go kill herself.
then what the fuck would sears say?


when i was walking home from school (THE PAIN!!) i was heckah talking to myself. i said stop being so negative cecilia! look on the brighter side! you have kickass boots. yeah, but they're making my feet hurt. you have a kickass jacket, yeah but it's fucking HOT! you have the most kickass boyfriend ever, yeah but i fucking miss him. your skirt rocks shit! yeah, but it makes guys like Tommy come up and give me hugs and say shit like "with our skirt swishing ways" then i said to myself, well... at least i keep myself good company.


FUCK YOU PSORIASIS! i totally HATE EVERYTHING!!!
FUCK HARRY POTTER!
FUCK TOM CRUISE AND HIS TEETH
FUCK ICE WATER!
FUCK THE NEWS!
FUCK TEAM AMERICA!
FUCK KLEENEX!
AND FUCKING FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK JOSTENS!
i hate james bond.
i hate northside
i hate homework
i hate cleaning
i hate eating
i hate breathing
i hate noses
i hate the drugs
i hate bras
i hate shirts
i hate dr. keebler
i hate hate
i hate hate hate your guts i hate hate hate your guts and i'll never talk to you again.
i hate blink 182
i hate drinking beer
i hate being drunk
i hate taking pills
i hate wanting mushrooms
i hate hugging sammy
i hate hugging lissy
i hate hugging tommy i hate hugging drew i hate hugging eddie i hate hugging kayla i hate hugging everyone that hugs me.
i hate wearing jeans i hate wearing skirts i hate wearing tights i hate wearing sweats i hate wearing underwear i hate painting my nails i hate taking off my nail polish i hate having bad lungs i hate having bad hair i hate the fact that i've been meaning to get my hair done for so fucking long
i hate that babe is dead.
i fucking miss her so much.
i could cry right now just thinking about her beady little eyes.
naiobe kenobi could never be as important as babe was.
its not fair that everything dies
its not fair when you reach down to pick up a flower, queen annes lace, and it looks so pretty, but its covered in ants.
its not fair when the ugly yellow flowers end with he loves me, but the pretty pink ones end with he loves me not.
its not fair when i open my eyes in the morning
its not fair that the earth just keeps going around and around and around

and its not fair that nothing i say could EVER be profound because nothing can be profound anymore that everything has been said
AND FUCK HAMLET!!!


i just wish everyone would hate me as much as i do.
its fucked up
irony
fuck you shakespeare
FUCK YOU STEPHAN KING GO TO HELL AND ROT AND DIE AND ROT AND FUCKING ROT ROT ROT!!!

rot....that reminds me of pot....that reminds me of brandy...that reminds me of scotch whiskey
which reminds me of lonely
which reminds me...i'm so ronery
so ronery and sadry arone
FUCK TEAM AMERICA

eddie said my tree was gone
and its true but its still kind of odd

i wish i could go to hell and rot
i wish i were tom sawyer
i wish i could get a grip
i wish i were a cheerleader
i wish i had nice hair
i wish i had pretty hands
i wish i were a better person
and i wish i could get what i wanted
and i wish i could get a grip
i wish i had some licorice jelly beans
i am so glad i'm not a child molester right now
i'm so glad i'm not on drugs right now
i so wish i were on drugs right now

i wish i got my own jokes

i wish anything i said made sense
i wish i had long hair
i wish i were margarita donato
i wish i knew what was going on in my life
i wish i were cecilia rosanne berry
i wish i could blow out a match
i wish i could carve a unicorn out of wood
i wish i could fight cigarette addiction without a solid plan
i wish i knew what THE FUCK I WAS TALKING ABOUT
i wish my mom would go away
i wish i didn't think seriously about killing the chickens that run around my property
i wish dahmer didn't die
i'm glad dahmer died
i wish those fucking rabbits would die
i don't ever want those rabbits to die
i want to die
which wouldn't change the bullshit they broadcast on channel 31
which wouldn't help the lobbiests.
which wouldn't change a fucking thing
it would change their lives. like when i was in stockton some kid killed himself, he was in my class, i had never talked to him. i always wondered.
i wish i could start my own business
i wish i had nice teeth
i wish i were skinny
i wish i would stop complaining
but....actually i kind of like complaining.

i feel cheated
i feel rotten
i feel wretched
i wish i could get my ass kicked.
i wish i had someone to throw me down a cliff.

i hate mail.




okay i need to shift gears...(funny how i can just change my personality real fast)

i stretch and say to myself bernie mac can go to hell.
mmm i should make me some popcorn, i should make me some jewelry
i hate to mention this again, but i love kj.
when i think about him i wish i werent so ...negative.
ha!
funny because when i'm around him i'm so positive!
i really wish i had a daqueri
i think i'm going to write a song about it!!!

it is a wonderful thing
i-t it! is a wonderful thing!
when you go to a show and all the people you know
going THREE FREE SHRIMP yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!!!


i know, you loved it. i sure did.
mauahhhaha


yeah, retarded, i know.

i just stuck out my tongue.
i'm listening to nofx but i'm thinking about putting on a beatles record.... maybe elvis...
i'm so supposed to be doing homework (something new)
LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!!!

fuck Spain, then.

i want to go there
i want to live there
i want to ride a donkey
and i want to get there with my own funds
ahhahah
good luck cecilia

http://www.visionremota.org/cuevas/index.asp

go there now.
i want it!!
it is $127,748
i bet my dad would buy it for me if i promised to pay him back,
and, you know...paid him back.