Today...
has been a generally crappy day.
almost every joke i made and almost every smile i cracked were...fake? no... they were things that would be ordinarily happy, i just wasn't into it.
its like today is fogged over.
and i should laugh because it's really foggy outside, so...usually that would crack me up.
but theres this gut feeling
going
thats not funny and it never was.

its like a down feeling.
an empty feeling.
a nothing feeling.
a let me keel over and die in the rain feeling.

and i want to apologize because i yelled at Tommy. and i wasn't a very nice person to anyone today.
but i wouldn't be into the apology, because i'm bitter.
bitter right now
like you coward! what the hell? so you go to school and laugh and keep yourself together when you want to cry while you're watching a shakespeare play.
i don't care.
i regret having written this, i'm just lingering on a stupid subject.

i'm doing my econ project.
i'm learning that i'm not very good with numbers and things that involve thinking brain-like.
sdghsjggsj lgks!

fucking dumbass, i

so my weak essay regarding disrespect in the 21st century, at 6:48 am, just hours before it is due, is now done. (as done as anything gets in my hands

i hate it, as i hate everything.
i hate me, as i always have.
yesterday was the suckiest day i've had in a long LONG time.
i can't wait for school to end
i can't wait for the day i finally get the courage.

what can be done about the wretched disrespect teenagers have for their elders?
they way individuals 12-19 violently convey themselves is getting a little redundant.
who wants to hear about students raping their teachers, not to mention all the unhealthy sexual activity raging in gradeschools.
and what of the drug use!? how do these children believe they can possibly run the world better than we can if they're too busy huffing or smoking dope? (or threatening their own lives with heaps of pills)
there must be something to be done, whether it involves throwing all 12-19 humans into a forest to fend for themselves, or making them all carnies.
i don't know, or i'd be jonathan swift myself and i wouldn't have to write a satire about it.

so i wake up this morning
and i do my econ notes
and i put on my clothes
and i look in the mirror
and i smile
and i think i'm eating breakfast
and i think i'm drinking tea
when everyone is everyone
and i am only me
because FUCK YEAH!!! i'm the coolest cat since king kong!

and did you know peter jackson's making a new king kong. usually i'd be against remaking king kong, but adrian brody is in it, so i'm going to have to go and see that one.
and they're making another superman, which i think is a huge great big gigantic pile of shit shit shit.
anyway...

i'm having a good day so far.
even though my hair will not cooperate for another 6 months.
even though i have 7 years of bad luck.
even though i have misplaced my tea...

damn woah damn,
don't eat that clam!

SUBMIT!!!

me ese chile verde, yarona: picante, pero sabroso.

My heart beats irregularly.
But im still awake.
I am a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece.
find me out. 


i'm bullshit
because i don't ever try.
just like i'm not cleaning my room.
just like i'm not taking notes on chapter 14 and 15.
just like i'm not writing a piece of satire for mr. chollet
just like i'm so fucking hungry but i'm not going to move.
don't think like that.
i'm a backflip superstar if i say i am.
i haven't taken those wretched pills in a while.
not to say i'm not longing.
longing
longing...

a whale oh a whale oh a whale
and a dinosaur made of clay
when i try to juggle thirty oranges
to make your baby smile.
and we watch a thousand movies
and i spend a thousand bucks
and we know that it was worth it
if the babies smile.
cuz
oh i wish i were a shining star
i wish i were a million miles
i wish i were the queen of spades
i know you'll find me.

will i ever remember?

i'm trying so hard to be close to you

i have somewhere over the rainbow stuck in my head.
i wish kj were here.
i wish i were here.
i wish you were here.
i wish victoria were here.
i wish ryan were here.
i wish carla were here.
i wish nick were here.
i wish vince were here.
i wish angelina were here.
i wish alysson were here.
i wish alyssa were here.
i wish angela were here.
i wish i were there.

yeah, i wash my hair with coal tar, what of it?
my stomach feel wretched and poisoned.
me rookers are all crakey she said to herself.
i am praying that when i get on the bus, kj will be sitting there. and i will sit next to him. and we will be in love.

i'll wear her necklace until its gone.

well, well, well
i'm finally back from "vacation"
now i need a fucking vacation.
i guess my whole family is on drugs.
meth or...heroin or something.
and they lie about it and they lie and say Destiny is doing good in school when really she's talk about behind.
and uncle ernie leaves lita at home all day when she can't even go to the bathrooom on her own.
these people are crazy.
and my uncle taught me a song on the piano but i forgot how it went
and GOD!
i was walking around san jose TOPLESS!
i wish i didn't always get so drunk.
i mean, the kind of drunk where you can't remember anything the next day.
carla gave me kickass skirt
it fuckin rocks the socks off the fox in the box
and the fucking knox too
i have so much homework to do i probably wont even try until i get myself an omelelelelelelett or something


i wish i could have spent this turkey weekend with the ones i love instead of the ones i'm so unluckily related to. luckily.
i love roxanne schick and i wanted to hang out with her so fucking bad.
and now i'm all lazy and my room....is a complete mess.
the floor is COVERED with clothes. clean clothes, not dirty, but still they're everywhere.
basically you walk in the door and find the place in shambles.

ni hongo wa wakarimasen!
yokodekimashita!
sekai desu!



biru wa doko desu ka?

yeah yeah yeah!!!
i'm off to see
(the wizard)
remo in a while.
1/8 mushrooms= 20 dollars
i'm going to get 40 dollars somehow.
and i need 20 more to try out salvia.
i guess...it's legal and awesome.
carla pissed her pants
that might be a turn off for salvia in my case: chance of pissing your pants
hahaha
i DO NOT want to do that.
i'm at angies house
i watched war of the worlds
it was okay, but...i mean it had tom cruise in it and he was hot, so i'm okay with the whole movie because of him

i read that wretched harry potter book, and it made me cry at the end. that's kind of funny, but it's true. i CAN'T believe dumbledore died! and in the end when Tonks said she loved lupin! i was like awwww! because i TOTALLY Guessed that in the last one! and in the end Harry decided to go off solo to find the rest of the horcruxes because he was still dumbldores man through and through. touching, really. but honestly i HATE HATE HATE that sirus died in the last one. i guess it made the plot a lot better, but he was a great character. and he simply MUST come back in the next one because jk rowling never puts in a magic artifact without it being of some significance in a later book and in the one where sirius died there was still that mirror thing that he left harry. and who the hell is R.A.B.?
and snape! talk about zip! talk about zowie! Golly gee gosh and wowie! i always loved snape because they always describe him as greasy! aww!! and now he's all EVIL and stuff!

anyway, i sound like one of those freak star wars fans, so i guess i'll shut up for bit

i can't wait to go to san jose!
i have to do notes for chapter 14 and 15 for econ
wretched econ

i doubt i'm going to college

i have this thing where i always want to be alone
unless i don't want to be alone
and i have this other thing where i always want to be drunk
except when i hate being drunk
which is always
always and never.

dang!
i love everything!
i'm like..... permanently stoned!
mark said that i dont need meth
because im already on meth.
and i was like wha?
but i know what he means
like "i'm high on life"
i have the highs
and i have the lows
THAT is love, kid!

so

if you wanna sing out, sing out!

if you wanna be me, be me!
if you wanna be you, be you!
cuz there's a million things to do
you know that there are

and if you wanna live high, live high
if you wanna live low, live low
cuz there's a million ways to go
you know that there are!

YES!
it doesn't matter what you're into
if it only matters to you!
when you are sweeping your indian house
with your indian broom
and drinking in ohio!
yeah yeah yeah!
we know that we aint SHIT!
so smoke your pot and drink your beer
and give your girlfriend flowers!
act like its the most important thing
when you get a raise and a promotion!
buy a new calandar every year
and don't let your house catch fire!
pick up the phone when it rings
unless the irish are after you
and if you wanna sing out, sing out!
if you wanna drink beer, drink beer!
if you want a new cat!
if you want a nice car!
don't step in the dog shit!
and don't fall in the puddle!
whether you're young or you're old
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

HA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHHahahhahaha
oh GAWD!
i could take it as the sweetest thing in the world.
but instead i'm like
don't you ever call my family whack!

oh boy!
i'm drunk with life!
there are so many things that are spectacular and amazing!
and when i get so sad
or so angry
or so depressed
i can look back on it and go YOU SILLY GOOSE!
because i don't REALLY lie to myself.

FUCK!
like when you look over at the stack of blank DVDs
and your dad lies on the taxes!
and when they talk about piracy its me they're talking about!
and when everyone else buys cds or movies you wonder what the hell is wrong with them!
and you go
WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS IN MALAYSIA!
even though you don't mean malaysia!
you just mean way far away.
malaysia=way far away!

i think i might not go to school on monday
because i'm wretchedly sick

i am:
sick
bored
lonely
tired
pissed off


you know...i'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

kj
will you marry me?

uh what the hell?
i'm so fucking sick!
i just wrote some whackass shit on my description
i'm sure it makes no sense.
one day i should actually put something decent on there.
like...instead of just rambling, maybe put some effort?
no
that's just ridiculous.
i have a fever, but i think it's kind of going away
i wish i had some cold medicine
if you know what i mean.

if my throat didn't hurt so much i'd call kj.
and roxxy
and probably carla because i haven't talked to her since she was all fucked up on mushrooms

wish i had some mushrooms...
kawaii desu!

i found out
that when i'm sad or depressed or angry or down for one reason, and i start to talk about that one thing, all the other things i hate just leak out!
and i think that's kind of weird!
but i think it's also kind of cool!
even though i said i hate ice water!
which is total bullshti!
i just contradict myself i guess.
sigh...
doo dee doo
i have become comfortably numb
even though i'm sick
i feel nice.

time for more benadryl?

i LOVE everything!

hahhahahaha!
this morning i was all depressed because of psoriasis. and i was like boo hoo
then i told myself Well, stupid, you TOLD everyone you're not anything special!
it doesn't matter whether i get psoriasis on my cheek because I don't have to look at me.
because remember, i'm NOT pretty, so it makes no difference!
then i started cracking up
because i cheered myself up again

i'm always doing that on accident
ALWAYS
i've always been the one to cheer me up since i was hecka small.
that is why we have to love ourselves
who else is supposed to cheer us up?
haha!
i hate everything!
AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!
i love that i hate chile
i love that i hate rap
i love rap!
i love hating everything
i love loving everything!
i'm the most positive kid in the world
it's time for school so i'm off!
(to see the wizard! we hear he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was, if ever oh ever a wiz there was the wizard of oz is one because, because because because because because!, because you know the rest.)

We were drinking with plouck
He drank a fifth of grappa
He told me that he loved me
And then he kicked me in the chest

Reap upon with David
Lies sitting on a heartache
The chances of us winning are about 1 in 16
He talked about the old days
Allegiance that are many
Across from us guys are sitting
From g'd up motherfuckers
And how, it was, TOTALLY FUCKED

We were drinking at the front end
With 2000 dirty squatters
We didn't want to fight them
So instead they beat each other up
Squatters don't have money
But at least they don't have showers
So when they're drinking their own piss
We didn't think much of it.
The moral of this story
Don't use your better judgment
Cause what good is an evening
If you can't even remember
Just how it was
TOTALLY FUCKED!!






and that is why i love nofx
those crazy whackass bastards going
we don't rhyme and we don't care we rock shit and have to pee right now 1 2 3!!!
fuck the kids fuck the kids fuck the kids!
fuckin i can't even express how much i love nofx
fat mike <3
erik melvin <3 <3
el hefe
eric whatever his last name is

i love when this boy touches me
i love when this boy kisses me
i love when this boy puts his arms around me and i love when i feel like kj + me = forever.

i hate when i feel ridiculous.
i feel ridiculous.

i wish i was the kid that got shoved into the lockers.