what's really funny
is when i prepare myself to be real, be honest, say something with substance and granduer.
delusions of granduer.
sure thing, cecilia.
you'll be a waitress and you'll marry a rat later in life.
so say the chinese.

all i can say
is that i want to smoke
i want to drink
i don't want to do my econ project
but here i go

When i was younger, i used to think poop was a bad word. Once mark called me poophead and i couldn't bring myself to repeat it in order to tell on him.
i don't care anymore.
i used to get honor roll and principals list and student of the month awards.
i don't care about that anymore either.
when i was younger, i loved spice girls and selena.
i still love spice girls and selena.
and if i were flipping through radio stations, i would totally leave it at ricky martin singing livin la vida loca instead of search for something new and hip.
because i'm a nerd all the way.

i chug my drinks
water
brandy
vodka
coffee
milk
pineapple orange juice
hawaiian punch

i used to scratch at my arms with needles and razors.
now i go out of my way not to let my skin break.

i used to drink milk all the time.
milk is like the holy goodness that resides in my fridge. it glows.
not that my milk is radioactive, i'm just saying it's godly.
essence of life.
i don't even like milk anymore, but it still goes great with burritos

i used to love chris kattan
he's not very special anymore
but i'd still go see a movie of his if he made another one.

i love xiu xiu
i love the ramones
i love nofx
i love fluffy coats that i never even got from britain
i love the stupid information i have, even though its the same information i've retained since eighth grade.
i don't care how boring i am, because someone out there is worse than me and someone out there is worse than them
of course... there must be someone at the bottom, right?
i love my cat that doesn't have a name.
i love songs about rape.
i love distortion
i love screaming
i love crying
i hate crying.
i love when i watch gunslinger movies
i love when there's cowboy music playing from the inside of my piano.
i love when we have a good day in chorus and we actually sound okay.
i love when i put on a pot of coffee and it tastes disgusting but i drink it anyway.
i hate doing crunches, and i don't think i've done any in a really long time
i love when suha comes on and i want to weep.
i love when i imagine me not being on drugs and smiling.
i love when i imagine me being on drugs and smiling
i love drugs!
and i love songs about drugs!
and i love songs about everything.
and i honestly think music is the one true reality.
no matter what doesn't exist, music does because its there in my heart.
i can swear by you, music. i don't care about money and theatre. but everyone sings.
i can't play guitar
i can't play bass
i can't play piano
i can't play clarinet
i can't sing on key
i can't play the bassoon
but FUCK! i love...sitting in the wilderness and adding my voice to the birds.
i love laying in my bed and hearing coyotes.
and i love running outside barefoot in the rain and howling with them, even though it makes them stop.
i love when my heart beats fast.
i love when my heart goes slow.
i love when i take too many pills and i think its over.
i love when i run.
i love when i want to sit in puddles.
i love when sighing is absolutely necessary.

i love the way mr. chollet thinks everyone in his class is ignorant.
i love how everyone in his class is ignorant.
i love how i'm ignorant.
i hate being ignorant.

i love when my mind goes this way and that way
and how some thoughts fly away
and how some thoughts are constant.

and i love that there ARE times when it is only me in my head.

and...
i hate.
i hate.
i hate (peter pan)
when i'm not alone here.

when there is no one around, i can see it in the mirror.
but there's not just me because there's...someone watching.
here.
and its not long before they start talking to me
or i start talking to them.
and the key words are ALWAYS "no but and then"
like
shake your head of reality
because reality is not reality.

i expect no one to understand
i don't understand
i don't expect me to understand

i've never understood.

i do understand that when you cut open a watermelon and pour vodka in there and poke holes in the side and put straws in the holes it makes one helluva time.
and HOW IT WAS! totally fucked!

i do know that melinda is my cousin.
that destiny is called heaven destiny, but she's still all fucked up. and her parents, and everyone except like 4 people are on drugs.
i mean over there.
involved.
dabbling.
selling.
buying.
because my lita doesn't drink soy milk or eat boxed macaroni.
and every day she goes to sleep wishing she could slip away

and every day i go to sleep wishing i could slip away
and i'm thinking it makes sense when your 90-whatever the fuck lita is
but when your 17 thats just absurd.
no one here can get along cuz our history's too long
SOCIETY!

i appreciate asprin, fluffy sweaters, deoderant, chicken pot pie, instant lunch, and coffee beans from canada.

i love canada.
i miss canada.
i want to go to alaska and meet the eskimos
pleased to meat you. ERNESTO!
i hope ernestos doing fine, that sonuvabitch!
i totally should have married him
my
tummy box
feels broken

and oh!
amanda yount and vanessa wagner!!! how i respect them for having seen saladfingers! i guess they were talking about it and vanessa goes Ceci has probably seen it, and i'm all wha? and they goes SALADFINGERS and i goes YES!! watch roofing tiles man! do it now!! muahhhaha
and it was fantastic!
GREAT!
TERRIFIC!
THRILLING!
GODLY!
LOVELY!
on the whole, postive!
positivly wonderful!

oh my
bears
and tigers
and lions!

so then i jumped the fence to mexico and i was all EMILIOOOOOooOOoOOooO
just like on that wretched movie with chris kattan that i love so much!


and that, sir, is what is important to me.


i'm going to knit roxxy a pair of socks for christmas.
and they WILL be ugly and uneven and will probably only fit a child or a giant.
but she will love them I SWEAR!
and promise.



i love swinging
i love drinking
i love fighting
i love kicking ass at everything i do like never
i love relaxing in the sun like a cat
i love love
i love hate
i hate hate haters
i love nofx
i mean, mostly, i love nofx
i love nofx more than i love nirvana
i love nofx more than i love miller high life
because what is drunk without nofx!?
i love nofx more than i love coffee
i love nofx more than many things.
not more than screaming
because what is nofx without screaming?
and if nofx were a drug i'd OD gladly, every day.
of course, listening to and singing along with fat mike has probably made me completely flat when i sing. like when i used to listen to tlc and my voice started hecka going lower.
yeah right cecilia
ew
i'm singing a solo of Away in a manger. i mean, of all things, i'm talking about jesus! hahaha.
but away in a manger used to be my favorite christmas carol before all that jazz.

okay
i'm going to be honest
...
..
ahhaa
nevermind.

so carlos is in the hospital again.
i wonder when his body is going to decide to just give out.
that's going to suck.
my family
going down the toilet
drain
with like..
all the goop and the pills that people flush.

okay
so i honestly want to watch hunchback of notre dame right now.
call me crazy
just don't call me late for dinner!

kin!
ken!
kings and queens of other things!
don't think we don't know we're fucking losers!

glee
gloom!
whatever!
we may be in the life
but we aint shit!

i was going to call kj
but i was like
uh
i'm afraid

and it was odd
and i laughed
and then i called my mom to see how carlos was
and then i tried to call carla
and then on the other line ro called
and it made my day much more cheerful.
and that...whatever that was weighing me down in my chest has faded.
so i'm like the little drummer boy
except i'm not a boy
and i can't drum
but...
i still say rum pum pum!
FUCK YOU RUMPLSTILTSKIN
or whatever...the fuck?

It’s funny how a simple phone call can cheer you up.
….
Saying, I was thinking honestly about suicide again. I don’t understand why I’m always doing that. Saying, I don’t know how to make me better again.
I don’t really want to.
talk about the path of least resistance, man from heald! DO IT!
mr I work at heald but my kids went to chico!

I’m just spending all my time in all the wrong ways.
staring at the boxes and cans in the pantry.
staring at the wine glasses and staring at the brandy.
screaming along to nofx is the most productive thing I’ve done today.

lets face it, I don’t even know what kind of noises cowboys make!

dang! have you ever seen midnight cowboy!?? watch it now! because it simply rocks shit out of bananas
yes yes yes!
!!

you know… I wish I knew someone who loved nofx as much as I do.
I’d…do swing dancing with them.
okay, so sometimes I wish that this whole…. me would just split direct down the middle. then there could be two of me and we could totally party together!!!
like the world could handle that one!
muahhhahahah
uh
okay
so Reese’s cereal (like I even know where that shit came from) and coffee doesn’t taste great together at all.
I figure this is because they don’t expect kids who eat Reese’s to drink coffee and they don’t expect caffeine addicts to eat cereal that tastes like candy…

okay so I’m going to pretend that I’m doing homework by typing really fast, that way my mom (who’s on the phone talking about god knows what) will get the hint that I’m busy.
which is kind of fucked up.
but I’m still hoping it works.


so….
I hate jonathan swift
I hate talking about shakespeare every fucking day
I love coffee
I love the sweater that I’m wearing right now because it has fluffy stuff on the wrists and on the hood and it’s totally cute even though it totally clashes with my hair.
yes. “totally clashes” you heard me.
its kind of funny
people think I’m so fucking cool
and really I’m the biggest dork ever…
“totally clashes”
I meant it too.
hahahaha

so eric goes
smelly’s tight
and hefe goes
hey smelly you wanna just go over it and do it
and fat mike goes
smelly used to be tight now he’s loose
and hefe laughs weakly
and they start their awesome song.

i don't know how to make graphs.

i wish i weren't still at school.
i wish i had a sandwich.
i wish i could go outside and sit in the rain and smoke a ciggarette.
i could.
i dont think i have a lighter.
and didn't i quit?

Today...
has been a generally crappy day.
almost every joke i made and almost every smile i cracked were...fake? no... they were things that would be ordinarily happy, i just wasn't into it.
its like today is fogged over.
and i should laugh because it's really foggy outside, so...usually that would crack me up.
but theres this gut feeling
going
thats not funny and it never was.

its like a down feeling.
an empty feeling.
a nothing feeling.
a let me keel over and die in the rain feeling.

and i want to apologize because i yelled at Tommy. and i wasn't a very nice person to anyone today.
but i wouldn't be into the apology, because i'm bitter.
bitter right now
like you coward! what the hell? so you go to school and laugh and keep yourself together when you want to cry while you're watching a shakespeare play.
i don't care.
i regret having written this, i'm just lingering on a stupid subject.

i'm doing my econ project.
i'm learning that i'm not very good with numbers and things that involve thinking brain-like.
sdghsjggsj lgks!

fucking dumbass, i

so my weak essay regarding disrespect in the 21st century, at 6:48 am, just hours before it is due, is now done. (as done as anything gets in my hands

i hate it, as i hate everything.
i hate me, as i always have.
yesterday was the suckiest day i've had in a long LONG time.
i can't wait for school to end
i can't wait for the day i finally get the courage.

what can be done about the wretched disrespect teenagers have for their elders?
they way individuals 12-19 violently convey themselves is getting a little redundant.
who wants to hear about students raping their teachers, not to mention all the unhealthy sexual activity raging in gradeschools.
and what of the drug use!? how do these children believe they can possibly run the world better than we can if they're too busy huffing or smoking dope? (or threatening their own lives with heaps of pills)
there must be something to be done, whether it involves throwing all 12-19 humans into a forest to fend for themselves, or making them all carnies.
i don't know, or i'd be jonathan swift myself and i wouldn't have to write a satire about it.

so i wake up this morning
and i do my econ notes
and i put on my clothes
and i look in the mirror
and i smile
and i think i'm eating breakfast
and i think i'm drinking tea
when everyone is everyone
and i am only me
because FUCK YEAH!!! i'm the coolest cat since king kong!

and did you know peter jackson's making a new king kong. usually i'd be against remaking king kong, but adrian brody is in it, so i'm going to have to go and see that one.
and they're making another superman, which i think is a huge great big gigantic pile of shit shit shit.
anyway...

i'm having a good day so far.
even though my hair will not cooperate for another 6 months.
even though i have 7 years of bad luck.
even though i have misplaced my tea...

damn woah damn,
don't eat that clam!

SUBMIT!!!

me ese chile verde, yarona: picante, pero sabroso.

My heart beats irregularly.
But im still awake.
I am a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece.
find me out. 


i'm bullshit
because i don't ever try.
just like i'm not cleaning my room.
just like i'm not taking notes on chapter 14 and 15.
just like i'm not writing a piece of satire for mr. chollet
just like i'm so fucking hungry but i'm not going to move.
don't think like that.
i'm a backflip superstar if i say i am.
i haven't taken those wretched pills in a while.
not to say i'm not longing.
longing
longing...

a whale oh a whale oh a whale
and a dinosaur made of clay
when i try to juggle thirty oranges
to make your baby smile.
and we watch a thousand movies
and i spend a thousand bucks
and we know that it was worth it
if the babies smile.
cuz
oh i wish i were a shining star
i wish i were a million miles
i wish i were the queen of spades
i know you'll find me.

will i ever remember?

i'm trying so hard to be close to you

i have somewhere over the rainbow stuck in my head.
i wish kj were here.
i wish i were here.
i wish you were here.
i wish victoria were here.
i wish ryan were here.
i wish carla were here.
i wish nick were here.
i wish vince were here.
i wish angelina were here.
i wish alysson were here.
i wish alyssa were here.
i wish angela were here.
i wish i were there.

yeah, i wash my hair with coal tar, what of it?
my stomach feel wretched and poisoned.
me rookers are all crakey she said to herself.
i am praying that when i get on the bus, kj will be sitting there. and i will sit next to him. and we will be in love.

i'll wear her necklace until its gone.

well, well, well
i'm finally back from "vacation"
now i need a fucking vacation.
i guess my whole family is on drugs.
meth or...heroin or something.
and they lie about it and they lie and say Destiny is doing good in school when really she's talk about behind.
and uncle ernie leaves lita at home all day when she can't even go to the bathrooom on her own.
these people are crazy.
and my uncle taught me a song on the piano but i forgot how it went
and GOD!
i was walking around san jose TOPLESS!
i wish i didn't always get so drunk.
i mean, the kind of drunk where you can't remember anything the next day.
carla gave me kickass skirt
it fuckin rocks the socks off the fox in the box
and the fucking knox too
i have so much homework to do i probably wont even try until i get myself an omelelelelelelett or something


i wish i could have spent this turkey weekend with the ones i love instead of the ones i'm so unluckily related to. luckily.
i love roxanne schick and i wanted to hang out with her so fucking bad.
and now i'm all lazy and my room....is a complete mess.
the floor is COVERED with clothes. clean clothes, not dirty, but still they're everywhere.
basically you walk in the door and find the place in shambles.

ni hongo wa wakarimasen!
yokodekimashita!
sekai desu!



biru wa doko desu ka?

yeah yeah yeah!!!
i'm off to see
(the wizard)
remo in a while.
1/8 mushrooms= 20 dollars
i'm going to get 40 dollars somehow.
and i need 20 more to try out salvia.
i guess...it's legal and awesome.
carla pissed her pants
that might be a turn off for salvia in my case: chance of pissing your pants
hahaha
i DO NOT want to do that.
i'm at angies house
i watched war of the worlds
it was okay, but...i mean it had tom cruise in it and he was hot, so i'm okay with the whole movie because of him

i read that wretched harry potter book, and it made me cry at the end. that's kind of funny, but it's true. i CAN'T believe dumbledore died! and in the end when Tonks said she loved lupin! i was like awwww! because i TOTALLY Guessed that in the last one! and in the end Harry decided to go off solo to find the rest of the horcruxes because he was still dumbldores man through and through. touching, really. but honestly i HATE HATE HATE that sirus died in the last one. i guess it made the plot a lot better, but he was a great character. and he simply MUST come back in the next one because jk rowling never puts in a magic artifact without it being of some significance in a later book and in the one where sirius died there was still that mirror thing that he left harry. and who the hell is R.A.B.?
and snape! talk about zip! talk about zowie! Golly gee gosh and wowie! i always loved snape because they always describe him as greasy! aww!! and now he's all EVIL and stuff!

anyway, i sound like one of those freak star wars fans, so i guess i'll shut up for bit

i can't wait to go to san jose!
i have to do notes for chapter 14 and 15 for econ
wretched econ

i doubt i'm going to college

i have this thing where i always want to be alone
unless i don't want to be alone
and i have this other thing where i always want to be drunk
except when i hate being drunk
which is always
always and never.

dang!
i love everything!
i'm like..... permanently stoned!
mark said that i dont need meth
because im already on meth.
and i was like wha?
but i know what he means
like "i'm high on life"
i have the highs
and i have the lows
THAT is love, kid!

so

if you wanna sing out, sing out!

if you wanna be me, be me!
if you wanna be you, be you!
cuz there's a million things to do
you know that there are

and if you wanna live high, live high
if you wanna live low, live low
cuz there's a million ways to go
you know that there are!

YES!
it doesn't matter what you're into
if it only matters to you!
when you are sweeping your indian house
with your indian broom
and drinking in ohio!
yeah yeah yeah!
we know that we aint SHIT!
so smoke your pot and drink your beer
and give your girlfriend flowers!
act like its the most important thing
when you get a raise and a promotion!
buy a new calandar every year
and don't let your house catch fire!
pick up the phone when it rings
unless the irish are after you
and if you wanna sing out, sing out!
if you wanna drink beer, drink beer!
if you want a new cat!
if you want a nice car!
don't step in the dog shit!
and don't fall in the puddle!
whether you're young or you're old
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

HA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHHahahhahaha
oh GAWD!
i could take it as the sweetest thing in the world.
but instead i'm like
don't you ever call my family whack!

oh boy!
i'm drunk with life!
there are so many things that are spectacular and amazing!
and when i get so sad
or so angry
or so depressed
i can look back on it and go YOU SILLY GOOSE!
because i don't REALLY lie to myself.

FUCK!
like when you look over at the stack of blank DVDs
and your dad lies on the taxes!
and when they talk about piracy its me they're talking about!
and when everyone else buys cds or movies you wonder what the hell is wrong with them!
and you go
WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS IN MALAYSIA!
even though you don't mean malaysia!
you just mean way far away.
malaysia=way far away!

i think i might not go to school on monday
because i'm wretchedly sick