i'm not tired
i'm not hungry
i'm not cold
i'm not hot
i'm not bored
i'm not angry
i'm not sad
i'm not happy
i'm... not.

i want to read her book.
i hope she completes it.

i'm so smitten.
i'm so infatuated.
i'm so bewildered.
i'm so afraid.
i'm so confused.
i'm so alone.
i'm never alone.

i told myself i'd stop eating.
which is ridiculous.
not 10 minutes later i was stuffing my face with burritos.
i fucking love burritos.
it's always burritos here.
that's fine with me.
i don't really want to be hungry anyway.
i wish you'd kick my ass
god?
remo?
kj?
whoever.

i want white trash two heebs & a bean.
i want punk in drublic
i want so long and thanks for all the shoes
i want maximum rock n roll
i want liberal animation
i want ribbed
i want s&m airlines
i want the longest line
i mostly want white trash two heebs & a bean.
because i love nofx, i love nofx, and i love nofx.
if i could see them live i'd have it all
oh
and i want i heard they suck live.

good luck with that, cecilia.
with le carlitas help, i could probably get all 9 cds without paying a cent. see, i love that girl, she walked out of borders with a purse full of techno.
she walks out of longs with a fistful of pills
we walk out of hell hand in hand.
fuck
yes.
and fucked up on coricidin too.
because we're immortal right? like mark. he's immortal.
i'm immortal.
i'm mortal.
i'm bored.

waving
to you
goodbye

a random design of a flower
like a rose
no one really knows
(insert geetar playing)
or a decomposeur
she is rose.
no one really knows.

i hate my family.
i love nofx.
i hate my family
i love nofx
i think i'm going to smoke
and jump on my bed
yeah yeah yeah!

whatever.
i will never come up with a solution to the way i am.
maybe because the only problem is my attitude towards myself.
i'm one of those pissy whiner kids that blab on about how depressed they are but never do anything about it.
which is a heap of fucking...piss-shit-cock-fuck-wannabe-phlem, meaning, it's stupid and fucked up.
but what am i supposed to do?
call some depression hotline and go oh, well i'm sad.
like they fucking care?
what the hell?
when i used to go to counseling, i never said anything to them, and everything i did say was a boldfaced lie.
i was trying to fit into this category of ocd.
now i'm just...all over the place.
right, chollet? roxxy?


nevermind i'm not getting into this.
it can not possibly make me feel any better to venture deeper and deeper into how i feel about life and people and everything and everything and everything.

i was down at the sheep pen
(how i miss the goats! they were such pleasant company when i was depressed!)
and i saw this bird flitting from tree to tree.
flitting, really. there was simply no other explanation for it.
and i was like...i wish i could do that.
and i understand why the aztecs would dress like animals.
then
i went and got the trash cans and brought them up to the house.
then i read some of this really stupid book that i stole from the library. i'm definatly not keeping it.
then i got online to check my grades
and i fucking forgot to do that...
my parents (my folks, my ma and pa, mommy and daddy, my dad and mom, my pop and mar, my mother and father, the twisted humans that gave birth to me)are watching midnight cowboy at an insane volume and it's annoying me. which is funny because i thought that movie was swell when i was watching it alone.
it was rated x back in the day.

i think i'm going to retire to my room
watch donnie darko
make use of my precious gift from elijah. (hagile)
and...
(i hear madonna going: if i could melt your heart we'd never be apart mmm-mmm-mm, give yourself to me. you hold the key)
i guess then i'll learn some japan-words

i'm so sick of feeling.
i'm so sick of being.
i'm so sick of...
periods and apostrophes and capitol letters and run on sentences and lies and truths and wants and hates and the word Fuck. i fucking hate that word
i fucking hate this world
my whole life has been a suicide letter for fucks sake.
for FUCKs sake.

i'll tell you what i'm escaping from
when i pop the pills in my mouth, i'm escaping from myself. from this part of me going why don't you just end it why don't you?
because right now if i had some drugs
i don't think i'd be talking about suicide
i'd be on a whole diferent level
so don't you say i'm addicted to drugs
i'm addicted to life and drugs are the only way i'm living.
keeping myself
without drugs where would i be?
(with drugs, where are you)
it doesn't matter, cecilia, you're nowhere. and you're going nowhere fast.
and you're nobody and you're nothing and you don't mean shit.
just like
nofx.
THAT is what's keeping me going.
whatever
boku genki!!!
(i am feeling fine)

now i think i know
what you tried to say to me,
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
they would not listen they're not listening still,
perhaps they never will.

for they could not love you
but still your love was true.
and when no hope was left in sight
on that starry starry night,
you took your life as lovers often do.
but i could have told you vincent
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

i hunger.
but i'm not going to eat.



i
hate this shit

i'll smoke some pot
then i'll do the daydream thing going awww kj is so cute. going awwww i miss kj. going awwww i am so attracted to this guy.

This is what we’re becoming: managers of longs

this is me going
permanent solution is better than no solution

i'm drunk
i fucking love it
i wish i were more drunk
there's no such thing as drunk enough
i hope i die from alcohol poisoning because that would be my death number 1
and listening to drugs are good driving down the canyon drunk was of course my death number 2
with my best friend at my side
and my best drink in my hand
miller
dennys
carla
my nephew driving knowing he won't endanger us
even though we know we're 2 seconds from falling off the edge.
me saying FUCK it.
just fucking stop eating.
me forgetting almost immediately
and feeling bad

and watching frankfurter
going
don't dream it
be it.
and knowing i'm only dreaming it.


yeah!
i fucking do crossword puzzles!
i fucking wash my hair with coal tar!
i fucking wake up in the middle of the night just to chug some vodka!
i fucking steal my nephews cigarettes whenever i possibly can!
i steal bud from my own cousin!
i drink the last of the liquer but i won't take the last cookie!
so why don't you just go ahead and love me.
obviously, i could never hurt a fly.
FUCK THAT.
i'm fucking...hazardous to my own health, what does that say?

haha. i don't know i don't speak greek!
a
hahahahahah
!oh god
i'm fuckin drunk
!!

my dad was supposed to come home last night at 3.
i woke up at 3
i drank
he didn't come home
hes still not home
fuckin i was watching about a boy
and i said to myself
cracking up
Fuckin whats the difference? my father is never home
and i was busting up laughing
and now i'm wishing i were still as drunk as i was then.
ugh
and there's school tomorrow
that wretched school.
school where people tell you what you can and cannot do.
and i've been trying to be "normal" as they see it.
but apparently it hasn't been working out.
because no matter what i've ever done in my life, people call me crazy.
not oh youre cool
or oh you're funny
because i'm not cool and funny i'm fucking nuts, and That's what those kids in my 5th period class find so cool and funny, that i'm "crazy"
dicks.
and they don't know
they don't care
i don't know
i don't care.

all i care about is where my next high comes from

i got pills

i got bud

i got nofx.

FUCK YEAH NOFX!!!
one more round then its bottles to the ground!!

what the fuck do i care what you bastards have to say?
people claiming they love me
they're related to me
they want me to be happy
they just want me to clean my room

and i don't really feel like cleaning my room
so what the hell is it to you?

i kind of want to go for a walk
i love walks
i love booze
i wish i had some more...
i have bud
but that's just not the same
i guess i'll get stoned before school tomorrow

that's better than pills, anyway
i hate when i'm doing pills
i love when i'm doing pills
shut up stephan king!


Fuck you asa
you can't surpass no one
you must surpass everyone
yeah
right


the only permanent
is roxxy
she's my best friend and she'll be there
because she's been there
as long as i don't rip her guts out
i'll have this best friend
i'll have this love nacho
i'll have this.

fat mike!
erik melvin!
yeah yeah yeah!


i just want to buy a fucking suitcase and get the hell out of here.



i'm not even that drunk
but i wish i were.

i fucking love you roxanne schick you dirty hoe you.
you're a tiger lily dammit!

and kj!
kj!!!
he who is sexy beyond all imagining...
like..woohoo
that woohoo was more like a wolf whistle from here, but when you try to spell those things...you end up just changing it a bit.


you cool cats making me want to be a better person.
the kind who lives and thinks and does jigs to montel jordan
hells yea mofuckah!!

harvest moon time!

i hate when i remember that my ducks are dead.

so me and glen made a vow to be happy
and we totally grinned at eachother and almost did the tango
then we remembered that we don't know how to tango
and we settled for awaiting the alcoholic beverages
he already has his shotglass next to him, crazy alkie.

i love (imagine that that "love" has a bunch of sparkle things around it to signify the sparklyness of my love) rage against the machine.
and i love....
baths.
having a bath about now seems nice... perhaps that would help my wretched itchy bleeding scalp...
yeah right.
that's called one of those temporary fixes.
where your scalp is perfectly fine then it slowly dries off and out and you're stuck with burning itchiness again.
rawr.
i don't even have the patience to be pissed off at my flaky body.
haha.
and thats funny
because i'm a flake
too?
i'm actually kind of giggling
that just makes it worse
and i love it

so in that whackass book
he says
"Think about it: is there any other time of life so rich, so empty, so limitless, so limited, so fascinating, so boring, so hopeful, so hopeless, where some days never end and some days never come?"
and i go awwwwwww
hecka cute!
like i think i'm going to set up the playstation and play harvest moon and milk a cow!
AWW!!!!
woohoo!!
i'm on the verge of doing jigs!
like
harvest moon! almost as cute as katamari!
i fucking love it
i fucking love you cecilia rose anne berry you crazy girl, you! with your preferences and your ideas and whatever else you hate!

and when i'm feeling so fucking happy
she shoots me down.
RAWR!!!
URGHHH!!!
i believe one day she will drive me away because i can't stand her at all
so i'm putting "suitcase" on my christmas list.
"stupid stupid stupid!" yeah shut the fuck up, will you emily?

crikey! says the walrus! your booty shivers me timbers!
and who fucking cares what noise cowboys make? i'm not a fucking cowboy! and i don't fuck cowboys neither! i'm just a black guy that won't be rude enough to shake your hand with my strokin hand.
i'm just a girl.

Fuck, dude, the speakers downstairs are so much better than the ones in my room. I shall steal them soon...
like i steal crossword puzzles from my mom
and lie about it
haha.
then i get this book at the library "bringing up parents" for when your parents totally suck and you want to fix your vicious cycles of negativity.
and my mom was going to make me go to the whackass parade thing in auburn. and we got in n out. and there were all these fucking people making all this fucking traffic. so we gave up on the parade thing. and then she's all i'm just going to park right here and eat this goddamn shitty ass hamburger and she's all freaking out and i'm like yeah...miss don't sweat the small stuff? what the hell? but i just sat there quietly because that's what i do.
and i say...too bad remo couldn't stay
and she just starts talking...like "i guess what happened is that victoria and blah blah blah blah blah and remo and her job and sacramento blah blah drivers license and she's just trying to make a lot of money at once and selling perfume and blah blah i should never have made them leave, victoria isn't taking her shots for cancer blah blah blah"
and it was terrible.
i started crying all silent like while yelling at myself in my head.
because...she just fucking talks to herself.
and it's not even about what she's feeling.

when we were at the drive thru line
she was like well what do you think about Your parents.
i go you're both distant
she figures i mean distant from eachother.

and when we're in the canyon she's like i've been trying to go to that damn concert for 6 years and i guess i'll go when i'm in a wheelchair
and that had to do with my fucking father too, didn't it?
killjoy?
FUCK!
i mean my mom's in counseling now
my nephew is on meth and fights with his girlfriend constant-status
remo's all over the place and insane to boot. you can tell because i deny it.
then there's me going i'm going to kill myself i'm going to kill myself i'm going to kill myself i'm going to kill myself.
i even fucking mention it to my english teacher i'm so pathetic.
so empty and lost and confused just like everyone else. just weaker for falling into the pathetic patterns of those.,..DICKS
fucking FUCK SUICIDAL ASSHOLES
says the girl who
FUCK that.


i'm getting drunk later.


and i guess it only matters if i dwell on it.
and why dwell on it when
NOFX ROCKS SHIT!
fucking everything is made better when i can scream along to these awesome bastards!


anyway
i'm totally happy
me and glen are having a party even though it's so fucking COLD!!!
when i woke up this morning, my first thought was GOD ITS COLD! and i put back on my sweater because, you know, me and roxxy made sweet love and it was somewhere on the floor and i got all cuddled up in my loser-status barney blanket
thinking...wow, i hope kj found his way home okay.

ahhahaa.
fuckin cecilia berry living on wayback road.
its uh...way back there.
ha.
ha.

anyway
i hope everyone knows i'm a loser.
that is all
guud bie

and with 4 minutes to spare
i finish my stock report


praise me
love me
i'm genius
i give myself a high five
*claps*

i'm so congratulating myself
then once i get into that room with everyone else
with their sexy laminated stock reports
i'll be like
oh

well i'm cool because i'm black

i hate myself






i'm going upstairs once i write a summary on exxon.
and i'm going to listen to nofx singing about how it was
totally fucked
and i'm going to wish i were one in sixteen
and i'm going to tear my heart out
then i will brush my teeth
and i'm going to go to sleep
and set my alarm clock
but end up waking up late anyway
and i'll fuck everything up for sean whatever-his-last-name-is

and mark said:
fuck
i need rehab

and he really has gotten skinnier
and he just sits on the computer all day staring
and quietly
and... i've been in that drawer rather often, and his meth pipe used to always be on the bottom of everything but more recently its always moving places.

i love kj.
and i wish there was always chinese food in my fridge.

and i wish i had seans number.
because...christ only knows what his fucking last name is!
ahahahahahah!!!

i f***ing hate JP Morgan + chase
go to hell JP Morgan
you too chase

what's really funny
is when i prepare myself to be real, be honest, say something with substance and granduer.
delusions of granduer.
sure thing, cecilia.
you'll be a waitress and you'll marry a rat later in life.
so say the chinese.

all i can say
is that i want to smoke
i want to drink
i don't want to do my econ project
but here i go

When i was younger, i used to think poop was a bad word. Once mark called me poophead and i couldn't bring myself to repeat it in order to tell on him.
i don't care anymore.
i used to get honor roll and principals list and student of the month awards.
i don't care about that anymore either.
when i was younger, i loved spice girls and selena.
i still love spice girls and selena.
and if i were flipping through radio stations, i would totally leave it at ricky martin singing livin la vida loca instead of search for something new and hip.
because i'm a nerd all the way.

i chug my drinks
water
brandy
vodka
coffee
milk
pineapple orange juice
hawaiian punch

i used to scratch at my arms with needles and razors.
now i go out of my way not to let my skin break.

i used to drink milk all the time.
milk is like the holy goodness that resides in my fridge. it glows.
not that my milk is radioactive, i'm just saying it's godly.
essence of life.
i don't even like milk anymore, but it still goes great with burritos

i used to love chris kattan
he's not very special anymore
but i'd still go see a movie of his if he made another one.

i love xiu xiu
i love the ramones
i love nofx
i love fluffy coats that i never even got from britain
i love the stupid information i have, even though its the same information i've retained since eighth grade.
i don't care how boring i am, because someone out there is worse than me and someone out there is worse than them
of course... there must be someone at the bottom, right?
i love my cat that doesn't have a name.
i love songs about rape.
i love distortion
i love screaming
i love crying
i hate crying.
i love when i watch gunslinger movies
i love when there's cowboy music playing from the inside of my piano.
i love when we have a good day in chorus and we actually sound okay.
i love when i put on a pot of coffee and it tastes disgusting but i drink it anyway.
i hate doing crunches, and i don't think i've done any in a really long time
i love when suha comes on and i want to weep.
i love when i imagine me not being on drugs and smiling.
i love when i imagine me being on drugs and smiling
i love drugs!
and i love songs about drugs!
and i love songs about everything.
and i honestly think music is the one true reality.
no matter what doesn't exist, music does because its there in my heart.
i can swear by you, music. i don't care about money and theatre. but everyone sings.
i can't play guitar
i can't play bass
i can't play piano
i can't play clarinet
i can't sing on key
i can't play the bassoon
but FUCK! i love...sitting in the wilderness and adding my voice to the birds.
i love laying in my bed and hearing coyotes.
and i love running outside barefoot in the rain and howling with them, even though it makes them stop.
i love when my heart beats fast.
i love when my heart goes slow.
i love when i take too many pills and i think its over.
i love when i run.
i love when i want to sit in puddles.
i love when sighing is absolutely necessary.

i love the way mr. chollet thinks everyone in his class is ignorant.
i love how everyone in his class is ignorant.
i love how i'm ignorant.
i hate being ignorant.

i love when my mind goes this way and that way
and how some thoughts fly away
and how some thoughts are constant.

and i love that there ARE times when it is only me in my head.

and...
i hate.
i hate.
i hate (peter pan)
when i'm not alone here.

when there is no one around, i can see it in the mirror.
but there's not just me because there's...someone watching.
here.
and its not long before they start talking to me
or i start talking to them.
and the key words are ALWAYS "no but and then"
like
shake your head of reality
because reality is not reality.

i expect no one to understand
i don't understand
i don't expect me to understand

i've never understood.

i do understand that when you cut open a watermelon and pour vodka in there and poke holes in the side and put straws in the holes it makes one helluva time.
and HOW IT WAS! totally fucked!

i do know that melinda is my cousin.
that destiny is called heaven destiny, but she's still all fucked up. and her parents, and everyone except like 4 people are on drugs.
i mean over there.
involved.
dabbling.
selling.
buying.
because my lita doesn't drink soy milk or eat boxed macaroni.
and every day she goes to sleep wishing she could slip away

and every day i go to sleep wishing i could slip away
and i'm thinking it makes sense when your 90-whatever the fuck lita is
but when your 17 thats just absurd.
no one here can get along cuz our history's too long
SOCIETY!

i appreciate asprin, fluffy sweaters, deoderant, chicken pot pie, instant lunch, and coffee beans from canada.

i love canada.
i miss canada.
i want to go to alaska and meet the eskimos
pleased to meat you. ERNESTO!
i hope ernestos doing fine, that sonuvabitch!
i totally should have married him
my
tummy box
feels broken

and oh!
amanda yount and vanessa wagner!!! how i respect them for having seen saladfingers! i guess they were talking about it and vanessa goes Ceci has probably seen it, and i'm all wha? and they goes SALADFINGERS and i goes YES!! watch roofing tiles man! do it now!! muahhhaha
and it was fantastic!
GREAT!
TERRIFIC!
THRILLING!
GODLY!
LOVELY!
on the whole, postive!
positivly wonderful!

oh my
bears
and tigers
and lions!

so then i jumped the fence to mexico and i was all EMILIOOOOOooOOoOOooO
just like on that wretched movie with chris kattan that i love so much!


and that, sir, is what is important to me.


i'm going to knit roxxy a pair of socks for christmas.
and they WILL be ugly and uneven and will probably only fit a child or a giant.
but she will love them I SWEAR!
and promise.



i love swinging
i love drinking
i love fighting
i love kicking ass at everything i do like never
i love relaxing in the sun like a cat
i love love
i love hate
i hate hate haters
i love nofx
i mean, mostly, i love nofx
i love nofx more than i love nirvana
i love nofx more than i love miller high life
because what is drunk without nofx!?
i love nofx more than i love coffee
i love nofx more than many things.
not more than screaming
because what is nofx without screaming?
and if nofx were a drug i'd OD gladly, every day.
of course, listening to and singing along with fat mike has probably made me completely flat when i sing. like when i used to listen to tlc and my voice started hecka going lower.
yeah right cecilia
ew
i'm singing a solo of Away in a manger. i mean, of all things, i'm talking about jesus! hahaha.
but away in a manger used to be my favorite christmas carol before all that jazz.

okay
i'm going to be honest
...
..
ahhaa
nevermind.

so carlos is in the hospital again.
i wonder when his body is going to decide to just give out.
that's going to suck.
my family
going down the toilet
drain
with like..
all the goop and the pills that people flush.

okay
so i honestly want to watch hunchback of notre dame right now.
call me crazy
just don't call me late for dinner!

kin!
ken!
kings and queens of other things!
don't think we don't know we're fucking losers!

glee
gloom!
whatever!
we may be in the life
but we aint shit!

i was going to call kj
but i was like
uh
i'm afraid

and it was odd
and i laughed
and then i called my mom to see how carlos was
and then i tried to call carla
and then on the other line ro called
and it made my day much more cheerful.
and that...whatever that was weighing me down in my chest has faded.
so i'm like the little drummer boy
except i'm not a boy
and i can't drum
but...
i still say rum pum pum!
FUCK YOU RUMPLSTILTSKIN
or whatever...the fuck?

It’s funny how a simple phone call can cheer you up.
….
Saying, I was thinking honestly about suicide again. I don’t understand why I’m always doing that. Saying, I don’t know how to make me better again.
I don’t really want to.
talk about the path of least resistance, man from heald! DO IT!
mr I work at heald but my kids went to chico!

I’m just spending all my time in all the wrong ways.
staring at the boxes and cans in the pantry.
staring at the wine glasses and staring at the brandy.
screaming along to nofx is the most productive thing I’ve done today.

lets face it, I don’t even know what kind of noises cowboys make!

dang! have you ever seen midnight cowboy!?? watch it now! because it simply rocks shit out of bananas
yes yes yes!
!!

you know… I wish I knew someone who loved nofx as much as I do.
I’d…do swing dancing with them.
okay, so sometimes I wish that this whole…. me would just split direct down the middle. then there could be two of me and we could totally party together!!!
like the world could handle that one!
muahhhahahah
uh
okay
so Reese’s cereal (like I even know where that shit came from) and coffee doesn’t taste great together at all.
I figure this is because they don’t expect kids who eat Reese’s to drink coffee and they don’t expect caffeine addicts to eat cereal that tastes like candy…

okay so I’m going to pretend that I’m doing homework by typing really fast, that way my mom (who’s on the phone talking about god knows what) will get the hint that I’m busy.
which is kind of fucked up.
but I’m still hoping it works.


so….
I hate jonathan swift
I hate talking about shakespeare every fucking day
I love coffee
I love the sweater that I’m wearing right now because it has fluffy stuff on the wrists and on the hood and it’s totally cute even though it totally clashes with my hair.
yes. “totally clashes” you heard me.
its kind of funny
people think I’m so fucking cool
and really I’m the biggest dork ever…
“totally clashes”
I meant it too.
hahahaha

so eric goes
smelly’s tight
and hefe goes
hey smelly you wanna just go over it and do it
and fat mike goes
smelly used to be tight now he’s loose
and hefe laughs weakly
and they start their awesome song.

i don't know how to make graphs.

i wish i weren't still at school.
i wish i had a sandwich.
i wish i could go outside and sit in the rain and smoke a ciggarette.
i could.
i dont think i have a lighter.
and didn't i quit?

Today...
has been a generally crappy day.
almost every joke i made and almost every smile i cracked were...fake? no... they were things that would be ordinarily happy, i just wasn't into it.
its like today is fogged over.
and i should laugh because it's really foggy outside, so...usually that would crack me up.
but theres this gut feeling
going
thats not funny and it never was.

its like a down feeling.
an empty feeling.
a nothing feeling.
a let me keel over and die in the rain feeling.

and i want to apologize because i yelled at Tommy. and i wasn't a very nice person to anyone today.
but i wouldn't be into the apology, because i'm bitter.
bitter right now
like you coward! what the hell? so you go to school and laugh and keep yourself together when you want to cry while you're watching a shakespeare play.
i don't care.
i regret having written this, i'm just lingering on a stupid subject.

i'm doing my econ project.
i'm learning that i'm not very good with numbers and things that involve thinking brain-like.
sdghsjggsj lgks!

fucking dumbass, i