i knew you were the one when i saw Machine Gun Ettiquette
i knew you were the one when i saw the Peace War Comp
yeah yeah yeah!!!

so jared left me like....a couple tablespoons of Kava kava.
and i'm not sure how to prepare it, but i will call him, yes.
he left me some other crap too, like little rock-hard brown thingies. i'm not sure what it is, he labeled it but the mans handwriting is wretched.
chito has a tumor or something on her neck. it looks like she has balls on her chin. it is a sad sad thing, and i feel so bad for the girl.
i fucking hate econ, but i'm studying anyway.

i feel kind of stupid.
it's whack.
=(

i miss one kenneth james
HE.
is the hottest thing since fat mike.
since Sam Rivera.


ooh, interesting question. do we feel the way we do because of the music we listen to, or do we listen to the music we listen to because it's the way we feel?

dude
we're watching this show
with a guy with spots and he's green.
and they're chasing the sheep
and the girl looks at her pigtails and has this how did i get here look on her face.
because she's hypnotized by the woman with the hook for a hand, who's like mostrous.
and it's in spanish so we just put nofx on and we're watching it mute.
and it is fuckin entertaining.
but really weird.
like.
what?

freakin
i spilled water all over myself
and it was funny
way big time

i don't know what i was talking about...
hahhaa
fuck
i think
i will smoke some POT
FUCK! I hecka have to clean the kitchen! omigod omigod!
hahahha!!!
i am sticking out my tongue and making faces
and it is...fuckin weird. i'll be honest. it's fuckin weird but i'm done with that now. and ....it is kitchen-clean time!

dang, but i was onto something
i was saying something like from my heart
and i forgot what it was.
so...maybe it wasn't that important!!
but...i don't know
it has a lot to do with stevie saunders
and how everyone laughs at her when she reads from the drivers ed book. and they rush her along, and if it weren't for them reading the big words for her, she would probably learn how to read them. and it's sad.
and people are so capable of saying unkind things.
and i say unkind things.
and i'm sorry.
and i'm sorry.
and all the people i talk to are capable of saying unkind things. and we forget about the feelings we put on other people. and they feel bashed. fucking. bashed.
i know what i'm talking about even though i feel pathetic
i always know what I am talking about
which...i mean at least i'm coherent to myself yaa mean?

i'm just cecilia berry
trying to be genuine.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU.

I FUCKING HATE WHEN THINGS GO A BAD WAY.
NOT EVEN MY WAY OR YOUR WAY.
A BAD WAY.
A WAY THAT MAKES EVERYONE UNHAPPY.
AND I WISH MY FATHER WERE SANTA CLAUSE. OR MR ROGERS. OR SOMEONE THAT HAS THOSE EYES THOSE KIND EYES THOSE UNDERSTANDING EYES. YES I HATE THE WORLD
YES I HATE YOUR WORLD THE WORLD
YES I HATE MYSELF
YES I HATE IT

YES I HATE BRIDGES.
THAT FUCKING MONSTER BRIDGE ALL GREEN AND SPOOKY
AND I HATE THAT I'M SUCH A STUPID KID.
AND I HATE WHEN I TALK TO YOU AND YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT
LIKE WORSE THAN SHIT
LIKE IMMATURE OR WORSE... IGNORANT.
i am not ignorant.
i am a lot of fucking things immature is the least of it, but i'm not fucking ignorant.
and one day i'd just like to fucking kill that pain.
those Lies.
people who do nothing but disagree. because That is what we do.
and i hate it.
and i fucking hate it.
and i understand it. For fucks sake i...i'm not less than you.

i'm not less than you. that's all i'm saying. i'm not trying to prove that i'm anything. i'm not anything. i'm just a lonely kid on this end of this place. and i don't mean shit. i Know. but that's the point, i do know that at least.
i don't think i am any better than anyone else, because... SERIOUSLY god said we're all equal, isn't that right?
what does it matter whether god exists or whether right is left or left is right or cecilia berry is really cecilia donato, which she isn't anyway. it's just the equality. That black is the same as white that calico is worth just as much as striped. i'm being honest. i'm Always being honest.
and i feel like i don't belong here.
because nobody respects that.
like...not like that.
i don't mean it like...bad.
i'm just feeling like i am less than you.
you being everybody.
and i'm not. and i know that.
and i'm just trying to figure out why i feel like that if nobody ever did anything to make me....
fuckin
i gotta get the phone

dammit
i have a cavity, i know it.
i have been home for like an hour and a half
and i am expected of this
like thunderstorms
like things are going to change

like clean the fucking dishes
like seriously.
like.
i didn't break the car,
i just want to leave this fucking place

sammys inside
and you give me that look
and they don't acknowlege you SO WHAT
and you don't acknowlege them
things go
Both Ways
with bothe.
with an e.
extra capitalism
lissy's growling


prove you
yes YOU
kuso otousan
goshimpai naku or Whatever
i like mustard so
i'm typing lefthanded

but when i saw christ on parade
and this is boston not l.a.
i knew you were the one.

yeah.
cheese with mustard,
it deserves a theme song.
heck yes.
i <3 it

I want a picture of me like
with my arms spread out
because
I’m jesus.
and I’m like holy
with this expression on my face like, my child

hahaha.


mambo numba 5!

I WANT CHEESE WITH MUSTARD ON IT! i know that sounds gross
but i hecka think i'm gonna eat some.. like in kangaroo land, where we know that breath mints are from de-hooved horses
which is PETA status
like the t-rex with the carrot and the no fur sticker
because he is a vegan.
heck yeah.
and the fuckin thing. with the upside down head!
i LOVE kj!
i LOVE roxxy!
I LOVE CHRIS KATTAN!
Fuck i hate school
but that is no big deal
when it is december 20th and it is 4:30!
Duh.
time to study economic terms
i'm totally wasting time because i don't like econ.
i think
therefore i am!
so i'm kickass like a panda.
watch me fail, kids!

i feel bad
when i mean it
and you look at me like i'm crazy
and i mean every word i say because i am the mocha childe.

you know me.
he knew me.
and he can explain me with two words:
She's Crazy.
and anthony won't believe him
but i talk to him a lot more than i talk to anthony
and it is the truth
and i am the truth
remember that stupid book by steven king?
remember how much you hate steven king?
i can't stand it.
and here i am
standing it.
going rawrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!
oh my my my!!
wahoo!
silly boy with cornbread in your hand!
Why have you fallen down?!

but it never made sense
because i'm talking crazy.
even she knows it.

and that wasn't even one stephan king book it was like six of them because THAT motherfuckers crazy, not me!

i know, i know.
so i laugh.

and I go: There is no way you can care.
I am trying to turn you away.
I am worrying about my dad.
I am worrying about my world.
I am worrying about how to spell concrete.
I am worrying about you worrying about your mom.
I am cecilia rose anne berry
(rosanne berry)
and we can make it if we try.
on the real.
I can make it.

in one second,
is truth.
Anything. and I mean that with all my soul. My soul is probably no bigger than the eraser of a number two pencil. I feel about that big. I imagine. like that Fucking book that is whoopie goldberg. or whatever.

I am my Own fucking english language mr chollet so don’t you dare flunk me

I gave Mandy my tarot cards.
I’m going to get some more for myself.
but those still went way back with me.
and I sort of miss them.
and I sort of miss me.
I sort of miss…me.
I can’t explain the way I feel without sounding nuts, or sounding sad or sounding something I am not.
which is easily explained because you can’t miss yourself unless you aren’t.
right?
I’m laughing
right now I am fuckin smiling because I can’t even figure out myself.
I feel like that girl on corky ramano that looks at him like What the Fuck are you talking about you fucking Crackhead!?
if you know what i mean.

I’m just trying to be honest
I’m always lying
I fucking hate it

and I want to tell you the truth.

I’m just trying to walk home in the rain, but I’m picked up like a hooker.
when I’m wearing my cow pants, and I’m holding a sock in my hand. with a hippo on it.

and I’m confusing myself more than I’m confusing you, because I…
can you believe I never saw a sloth?

trying to be Real.
Really Confusing.

that is all that comes from this mouth.
these fingertips,
confused.

Amada Berkey can look at me like I am a fool.
and I am a fool, like I am a fool.
but she will never feel the way a fool feels.
giddy and self absorbed.
letting you reel em in.
you’re a real fisherman.

and I am confused.

because I’m trying to look at it through your eyes
condemning
I am trying to look at it through your eyes through my eyes
with my mind
confusing.
and the fuse is the most important part.

I’m trying to explain life.
it’s two cabbies trying to explain life.
it’s a cancer patient trying to explain the pain
It is me.
eating a pomegranate.

this is a girl who comes from the pills.
this is a world that came from its fathers balls.
this is a girl who loves to watch the world go by. in circles.
Did you notice that the trees have lost their leaves?

this is a girl who is crying.
right. now.
who’s lying.

these are the clues as I see them:
fnord.
hell.
pills.
comma faults
hospital gowns
good luck
bad luck
star fruit
cats
aluminum foil
punks with magnets on their feet
boys with camouflage
25 cent machines

I can’t run that far.
Fuck.
when your leg reads: I COME FROM HELL, PILLS, LONELY, YOU, HATE, LOVE, TESTICLES. and you know that you wrote that, but you don’t know why.
when you scratch your head and your skin flakes off.
then you have to pick the flakes out of your red hair, and you go ARGHHH!!!
so instead you put it in a pigtail and go on a pill search.
I’m sick of pills
I wish for pills
I almost wrote piss, and that would have been heckah funny

and I do that stupid half laugh

and I let nofx seep into my brain
and I love it enough to search for the pills


and RAWR!
I go like this:





so take your stupid jacket

How can I say that my problems are any more important than anyone elses? I can’t.
Stevie Saunders, who can’t read the word “motorcyclists”
Simone Dowsett whos mom is having gastric bypass surgery tomorrow.
Mark Ortiz who is on the verge of getting kicked out of his grandmas house for destroying the car, third time.
Cecilia Berry on the verge of failing her classes.
On the brink of self destruction.
I feel like I can’t keep doing this.
I hate when people laugh at Stevie.
I hate when people act like their problems are so much bigger than everyone elses.
When they act like people put them down so hard, like they don’t turn around and do the exact same thing.
everyone.
it’s fucked up.
and it makes me want brass knuckles.
and I want to call janine
because she is like my sister.
and it makes me want to throw people off something high, just for being there.

I want to cry.
Shelby said don’t be sad. I told her that all the other people who were sad were rubbing off on me, so she said be happy, because me and dina are happy. And she said, in fact, feel mediocre because some people are happy and some people are sad.
and that’s it, isn’t it.

and who am I to you?
and who am I to anyone?
and what would I be doing Now, if I got that one math question right?
I’m confused,
is that what they call fate?

do I fucking care?
do I want you?
I know I want to be having withdrawals
I want to feel your pain. I want someone to punch me in the face. To fucking kick me in the stomach. To force it upon me.
I don’t know what I want.
I just want to feel normal.
I just want to take two placebos and you can call me lame.
I’ll listen to nofx.
I fuckin love nofx
don’t you dare tell me to turn it down.

I wish I had blood
I wish I had red.
I wish I had wings
and I wish I had some popcorn. yeah. no.
I
I
I
I wish I were that smart.
I wish I were that lame
I wish I could count on that
I wish I knew what I’m fuckin talking about

I don’t feel like this is healthy.

I came home
mark busted the tire
and he
meth?
I don’t know
and she hasn’t come home, I guess
heroin addicts
they stole victorias bras for the elastic so they could tie their arm for
(heroin addicts)
and they stole
and I’m confused
and I’m alone
and my stomach fucking Hurts.

I miss kj.
dammit
I’m wishing for pills
I’m wishing for lame
I’m wishing for hope,
I wish I didn’t sound this bad
I’m not this bad
I’m fine.
I
am good.

property of __________
cecilia rose anne berry
cecilia rosanne berry
I fucking hate myself.


see how i fucking go back and forth?
and i go
i love cecilia berry
i hate cecilia berry

and chloe and ashley just walk around the school every lunch.
no matter what cecilia berry thinks

and that is crazy, foo.

it's okay! allow yourself a little hate!
hatred is not so bad, when directed at injustice.
you can turn the other cheek, just don't turn the other way.
Enemy of the planet, we finally have a common aim!
A reason to forget about our differences and stand as a united front!
it’s up to us, we must expose, humiliate American errorists
we’ll start with one:
The
war
has
just begun!

dang
what really sucks now is that there are no more pills.
not that they would really do anything for me.
but i would love to be stoned right now.
i would love to be high.
angels we have heard on high.
sweetly sings the donkey. what bullshit! donkeys do not sing sweetly they like...bray
i hate mr. kendell
i hate mr. johnson
i can not wait until june 9th.
or eighth, whatever
98 school days
damn woah damn
i want some D-r-u-g-s
every day i want drugs
i miss kj
i miss roxxy
i miss sam
oh, sam is in my pocket! hell yeah!
the rest of those bastards are in my backpack
but sam is the best
and the fat guy with the rat on his shoulder
but i wanted to see dick and henriettas kids!
but...vanessa was already on the bus
dang! i wanted to see those sheep!
i am happy today
it's a good thing
but..
i have to put my hair in a ridiculous ponytail (ricockulous) because it's all whack-flavor you know what i mean
i
love
nofx

and it is time for me to GO GO GO!

i love xiu xiu too
fuck yeah
america!

what do they got that i ain't got?
courage.

i want to feel this
i hate not feeling this
i want to see them.
in front of me
in back of mee
500 mgs

i like kj a lot.

i see
then i must leave
but first i'll caress
this rusty kettle

i like it when the red water comes out
back and forth
front to back to left to right to write
twizzlers
so what's the bad news

i am sick of zombie movies
zombie dreams
teeth
wants
alleluia
canon

we miss the oboe

i'm lost
i'm whack
cecilia berry don't take no guff from those swine.

do re me fa so la ti do
lost in
lost out

break it
fake it
go lakers!
starbucks
peppermint
sick to my stomach

this what we call absurd
and this is what we call youth and this is the most formulated plan in the world
and we'll fly now to boscow to marry who will stand to be merry
he who laughs
you know the entire dance
and we've been doing the same dance steps since birth
since birth of self
since you are not going to be reborn the least i can do is walk on the sand with you
we go to the beach when it is beach day
we go to the kitchen when it is kitchen minute
we go to war when bush is president
and there is nothing new in my guestbook

watch out!
what a cute little duck
how my head itches itches itches
this is not the hunchback of notre dame
there is only black sheep
same texture same temperature different color

i am a different color
i am the color that only blind people say
so that makes me fnord
i am fnord

silencia
nocha


we looked like giants.

this is the night
what a beautiful night
and they call it bella note

fuckin
i love gloves they make me so happy
i make me so happy
you've got it going on
i'm in love with the muffin man
who lives next door
with a baby inside
typing
slowly
like the tin man
like the little tin soldier
who stares and stares and runs and hides
mr. hyde
i hate homosexuals and i would never be friends with on ever
marsha 
mufasa mufasa mufasa
it tingles me

drew barrymore
i mean drew
drew wills
he knows whats up because him and me the king and i both learned the dance to agustas gloop
he will not be harmed
doo doo doo du du doo doo
i'm running from the rain
dodging the yellow submarine
i am a complete wealing
eraserhead eraserhead
i know i'm home alone
home alone two
glen glen glen!
it was time to watch donny darko
it was time to study study study
fuck that

i love brushing my teeth
i hate white socks
i hate light colors
i hate when the light is on and it's unnessasary
i love when i try to stand up and find that it is very hard to do so.
i wish i had given blood
i don't need it.
who even knows what's real and what isn't

on erowid, a lot of people have hallucinations about insects or crabs or spiders.
i mostly see people i know
like mr johnson
and emily berry
and photographs on the wall that turn into West and Tony
toni?
whatever floats your boat
whatever floats your kangaroo
like the television
alyssa turning off the tv
auditory hallucinations
wait
light up light up
as if you have a choice
nofx is the bomb
yes.
the bomb

bye bye baby i can't believe it
these people just shot my baby

it's hit me
it has definate
it was definate
i am lost
i am found
i am my very own missing puzzle piece
i have cottonmouth, big time

i feel like throwing up

i've felt like that for 2 days now
should i?

i'm cold
i'm not
i'm sick of this shit

i hate sleeping pills
i hate nausea
i hate the sound of music with jule andrews
i hate mary tyler moor
i am loathesom
i'm impossible
i am a popsicle
i am cat in the hat

she can do the pom poms
she can do the twist
but most of all she can kiss kiss kiss
k i s s

i am bennie and the jets
i am the house on mango stree
and i hate putting out fires.

i am cold
and i don't know why
and it is odd to type with gloves on
but i kind of like it
because i feel like david duchoveny
even though i can't spell shit
well, i can spell shit s h i t
but yeah

i cannot stop rambling
and i try
i really do and that is pretty fucked up

i do not think about anything worthwhile
that's pretty sad.
i shall send love letters now

uh
i'm reading on erowid
and all these people doing the same thing as me
and i took 10
which is 500 mgs
which is perfect i think
even a bit much for my weight
but
i just want to hallucinate
i love being here.

i was thinking about kj earlier
and i don't remember what i was thinking exactly
but it was very positive
because he's perfect.
i think that's what it was.
hahahahha
god i'm not even fucked up
i'm just retarded
i love it
fuckin
glen keeps freaking me out because he's sitting on the couch
and i keep forgetting he's there but there there THERE HE IS!
ahhaha 
i love it
!
and i love that song
i love the witches
i love japanese
and i love korean
and i love jdskjglsdgj!!
whatever the hell that means
but i hate psoriasis
but psoriasis= mr no big deal
mofuckah!
oh man oh man

i miss kj
i miss janine
i heckah miss victoria and remo
=(

my hands are cold i want gloves
i shall go glove myself