i am not france.
who cares.
i hate ____
and i don't want to see you ever again
but i will
and i will always do it again
because the antagonist always prevails
becuase sequals make so much money.
not sequins you stupid kid.
i am sorry.
i took 8 coricidins
that is a bad thing to do
not as bad as 17
but it is still a bad thing
when i swore i wouldn't do it again
and it's not even hitting me right, and that's the reall...bugger.
hahaha
like
i'm so slow
and tired
wretchedly tired
and we're waiting for ryan to go home
and i took 8 i took 8
and 1 is the loneliest number 1 is the loneliest!
gggg ghetto cowboy!
i have it. but i'm less than enthused.
i wish kj were here.
i miss him heckah.
and i cannot SEE!!
i threw up.
bleck >_< nasty!!
i am dancing to a song in my head
a song in my body
its hitting me!!
for the first time in heckah
but oh boy oh boy!
we gotta pile of sunrise to deal with yonder bear boyd man child this is my 11:26
RAWR
and i just took another one
bad idea i say
but i do declare i can float in the air!

and with some love from above
you must
don't caress the weasel!
i want a banana!
anna banana!
you should meet this anna girl, she rocks and is from oklahoma.
yes yes yes
i ate a cute hot dog
with relish
and i checked out a cute boy
and i said, kj is cuter.
and he was, really.
kj is my perfect
and i sing "you
are my shining star"
because he is an angel
with wings
and with a skinny body
with a dysfunctional stomach
and i love it.

and i love new years
and i love my new mini bubbler-pipe-bong-thing
and we shall smoke out of it, salvia status
and carla is making death noises
and i do not know why
but we don't need to worry
as i assure you
bob marley
everything's gonnna be all right.
i love it.
cecilia berry reading the choo choo train book
here here here we go!
there there there she is!
and i laugh and laugh like the fucking red fat woman!
like
no mushrooms probabbly i'm too poor
i'm not jealous anymore because it's like a whip
insta-quick but it goes away pretty fast.
speedy gonzoles like fuckin my sperm
or like...i mean sea monkeys
i do not like green eggs and ham
i do not like them sam i am

i miss kj
i wish we were here together
and we could make fun of a furby
and we could
but i hope he loves me
and i hope he likes me

and i woke up the other day feeling left behind
and i feel right now.......
....
shaky
understanding
clear
crystal clear
everything
immediate
love
caring
breathing

but i don't feel kj. and i'd rather have him here than have all the glorious understanding in the world.
there is chaos and there is order
and there is left and there is right
and there are fax machines and airplanes
what does that mean?
there are plastic cups for sale in red white and blue
if you can think of it we will purchase it
and i'm afraid of vaccuums
i am needy and i am dependant
i am lost and i am a soldier
i am sitting in the hallway wishing i had money to buy a snack
because i am winnie the pooh
but i don't smell bad
because i used sham-pooh
ha
haha
i'm gut-fuckin-hilarious
and you love it!
don't be hatin!

fuck



there is lying involved
if we bought 16(2)
that is 32
i took 9
anna took 9
that is 18
32 - 18 = 14
if carla took 14....
that is a lot
that is a very lot.
that is a very big lot.

i'm scared
but whatever
i'm also very comfortable a
and i wish i could see your toes
and i love water
so dearly
speaking in a british accent
is the greatest
and i wish i looked over to find you in the wardrobe, crouching behind the coffee table where the cats are having a tea party!
there's concert hall in vienna! in some hallway where love's never been.

it's just so easy to fall down
it's just so fucking


i miss you

RAWR
i am jealous of a girl named brandi

and i had a terrible dream last night
and kj was paying no attention to me
and i was talking to him and touching him
but then he turned into ryan
and i was like why aren't you kj?!
and i started crying
and i woke up on carlas floor going Oh Dear.

so you go to itsmylife.com
and they say Anyone can die any day. Everyone needs a Will. Everyone wants to be remembered fondly. So we charge a price everyone can afford. Seven key documents for $19.95. Couples get a discount.
so i laugh
and it's great
and i smell kj, but he's not here. so my olfactory...glands are going all Oh look kj! and my eyes are like you stupid stupid brain! and i laugh some more.
ho ho ho.
like santa
and i say it like "like sahntah."
and i don't know why.
but!


so when the bushes aren't manufacturing blackberries we sue them!
and when the kava kava isn't prepared i am crying like
wanting beer.
wanting
anything
and i get out of school at 12:10
then it is disco time with my son glen and my chin-ball rat, chito.
and naiobe kenobe
and ralph can run about my room
because i hate that foo.

i'm looking up ways to prepare kava kava. i'm in this class for another whole hour!
and erowid says "use of this drug can cause a peculiar scaly eruption of the skin" and i go Ew, but i already have psoriasis so...bring on the kava.
i wish i had some beer.
beer
beer
beery dreams!!! i love beer.
like i want to live with roxxy and kj.
and we can sit and go, bout that time eh chap? and look at the sunset and go, well we'll have to demolish the house from the Inside. and then we can warm our hands on the lightbulbs. and then me and kj can totally have sex on the cushions that roxxy just cleaned then we'll go oh ro we apologize
then we could go to the frige and get out a nice icy miller high life.
fuckin
you know what? anything + miller high life= hells yeah.
it doesn't matter what goes on as long as there's miller high life.
like if your friend says hey, i have this girlfriend who's coming over and she's a TWIN! and you can do the TWIN! then the twin has like a hand coming out of her head, and she has no hair and crazy teeth. the only question is well, how much beer is left.
that's bad, cecilia.
fuckin chris kattan is a whackass
and c 3po is gay.
and i fall on the floor and i'm laughing.

i knew you were the one when i saw Machine Gun Ettiquette
i knew you were the one when i saw the Peace War Comp
yeah yeah yeah!!!

so jared left me like....a couple tablespoons of Kava kava.
and i'm not sure how to prepare it, but i will call him, yes.
he left me some other crap too, like little rock-hard brown thingies. i'm not sure what it is, he labeled it but the mans handwriting is wretched.
chito has a tumor or something on her neck. it looks like she has balls on her chin. it is a sad sad thing, and i feel so bad for the girl.
i fucking hate econ, but i'm studying anyway.

i feel kind of stupid.
it's whack.
=(

i miss one kenneth james
HE.
is the hottest thing since fat mike.
since Sam Rivera.


ooh, interesting question. do we feel the way we do because of the music we listen to, or do we listen to the music we listen to because it's the way we feel?

dude
we're watching this show
with a guy with spots and he's green.
and they're chasing the sheep
and the girl looks at her pigtails and has this how did i get here look on her face.
because she's hypnotized by the woman with the hook for a hand, who's like mostrous.
and it's in spanish so we just put nofx on and we're watching it mute.
and it is fuckin entertaining.
but really weird.
like.
what?

freakin
i spilled water all over myself
and it was funny
way big time

i don't know what i was talking about...
hahhaa
fuck
i think
i will smoke some POT
FUCK! I hecka have to clean the kitchen! omigod omigod!
hahahha!!!
i am sticking out my tongue and making faces
and it is...fuckin weird. i'll be honest. it's fuckin weird but i'm done with that now. and ....it is kitchen-clean time!

dang, but i was onto something
i was saying something like from my heart
and i forgot what it was.
so...maybe it wasn't that important!!
but...i don't know
it has a lot to do with stevie saunders
and how everyone laughs at her when she reads from the drivers ed book. and they rush her along, and if it weren't for them reading the big words for her, she would probably learn how to read them. and it's sad.
and people are so capable of saying unkind things.
and i say unkind things.
and i'm sorry.
and i'm sorry.
and all the people i talk to are capable of saying unkind things. and we forget about the feelings we put on other people. and they feel bashed. fucking. bashed.
i know what i'm talking about even though i feel pathetic
i always know what I am talking about
which...i mean at least i'm coherent to myself yaa mean?

i'm just cecilia berry
trying to be genuine.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU.

I FUCKING HATE WHEN THINGS GO A BAD WAY.
NOT EVEN MY WAY OR YOUR WAY.
A BAD WAY.
A WAY THAT MAKES EVERYONE UNHAPPY.
AND I WISH MY FATHER WERE SANTA CLAUSE. OR MR ROGERS. OR SOMEONE THAT HAS THOSE EYES THOSE KIND EYES THOSE UNDERSTANDING EYES. YES I HATE THE WORLD
YES I HATE YOUR WORLD THE WORLD
YES I HATE MYSELF
YES I HATE IT

YES I HATE BRIDGES.
THAT FUCKING MONSTER BRIDGE ALL GREEN AND SPOOKY
AND I HATE THAT I'M SUCH A STUPID KID.
AND I HATE WHEN I TALK TO YOU AND YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT
LIKE WORSE THAN SHIT
LIKE IMMATURE OR WORSE... IGNORANT.
i am not ignorant.
i am a lot of fucking things immature is the least of it, but i'm not fucking ignorant.
and one day i'd just like to fucking kill that pain.
those Lies.
people who do nothing but disagree. because That is what we do.
and i hate it.
and i fucking hate it.
and i understand it. For fucks sake i...i'm not less than you.

i'm not less than you. that's all i'm saying. i'm not trying to prove that i'm anything. i'm not anything. i'm just a lonely kid on this end of this place. and i don't mean shit. i Know. but that's the point, i do know that at least.
i don't think i am any better than anyone else, because... SERIOUSLY god said we're all equal, isn't that right?
what does it matter whether god exists or whether right is left or left is right or cecilia berry is really cecilia donato, which she isn't anyway. it's just the equality. That black is the same as white that calico is worth just as much as striped. i'm being honest. i'm Always being honest.
and i feel like i don't belong here.
because nobody respects that.
like...not like that.
i don't mean it like...bad.
i'm just feeling like i am less than you.
you being everybody.
and i'm not. and i know that.
and i'm just trying to figure out why i feel like that if nobody ever did anything to make me....
fuckin
i gotta get the phone

dammit
i have a cavity, i know it.
i have been home for like an hour and a half
and i am expected of this
like thunderstorms
like things are going to change

like clean the fucking dishes
like seriously.
like.
i didn't break the car,
i just want to leave this fucking place

sammys inside
and you give me that look
and they don't acknowlege you SO WHAT
and you don't acknowlege them
things go
Both Ways
with bothe.
with an e.
extra capitalism
lissy's growling


prove you
yes YOU
kuso otousan
goshimpai naku or Whatever
i like mustard so
i'm typing lefthanded

but when i saw christ on parade
and this is boston not l.a.
i knew you were the one.

yeah.
cheese with mustard,
it deserves a theme song.
heck yes.
i <3 it

I want a picture of me like
with my arms spread out
because
I’m jesus.
and I’m like holy
with this expression on my face like, my child

hahaha.


mambo numba 5!

I WANT CHEESE WITH MUSTARD ON IT! i know that sounds gross
but i hecka think i'm gonna eat some.. like in kangaroo land, where we know that breath mints are from de-hooved horses
which is PETA status
like the t-rex with the carrot and the no fur sticker
because he is a vegan.
heck yeah.
and the fuckin thing. with the upside down head!
i LOVE kj!
i LOVE roxxy!
I LOVE CHRIS KATTAN!
Fuck i hate school
but that is no big deal
when it is december 20th and it is 4:30!
Duh.
time to study economic terms
i'm totally wasting time because i don't like econ.
i think
therefore i am!
so i'm kickass like a panda.
watch me fail, kids!

i feel bad
when i mean it
and you look at me like i'm crazy
and i mean every word i say because i am the mocha childe.

you know me.
he knew me.
and he can explain me with two words:
She's Crazy.
and anthony won't believe him
but i talk to him a lot more than i talk to anthony
and it is the truth
and i am the truth
remember that stupid book by steven king?
remember how much you hate steven king?
i can't stand it.
and here i am
standing it.
going rawrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!
oh my my my!!
wahoo!
silly boy with cornbread in your hand!
Why have you fallen down?!

but it never made sense
because i'm talking crazy.
even she knows it.

and that wasn't even one stephan king book it was like six of them because THAT motherfuckers crazy, not me!

i know, i know.
so i laugh.

and I go: There is no way you can care.
I am trying to turn you away.
I am worrying about my dad.
I am worrying about my world.
I am worrying about how to spell concrete.
I am worrying about you worrying about your mom.
I am cecilia rose anne berry
(rosanne berry)
and we can make it if we try.
on the real.
I can make it.

in one second,
is truth.
Anything. and I mean that with all my soul. My soul is probably no bigger than the eraser of a number two pencil. I feel about that big. I imagine. like that Fucking book that is whoopie goldberg. or whatever.

I am my Own fucking english language mr chollet so don’t you dare flunk me

I gave Mandy my tarot cards.
I’m going to get some more for myself.
but those still went way back with me.
and I sort of miss them.
and I sort of miss me.
I sort of miss…me.
I can’t explain the way I feel without sounding nuts, or sounding sad or sounding something I am not.
which is easily explained because you can’t miss yourself unless you aren’t.
right?
I’m laughing
right now I am fuckin smiling because I can’t even figure out myself.
I feel like that girl on corky ramano that looks at him like What the Fuck are you talking about you fucking Crackhead!?
if you know what i mean.

I’m just trying to be honest
I’m always lying
I fucking hate it

and I want to tell you the truth.

I’m just trying to walk home in the rain, but I’m picked up like a hooker.
when I’m wearing my cow pants, and I’m holding a sock in my hand. with a hippo on it.

and I’m confusing myself more than I’m confusing you, because I…
can you believe I never saw a sloth?

trying to be Real.
Really Confusing.

that is all that comes from this mouth.
these fingertips,
confused.

Amada Berkey can look at me like I am a fool.
and I am a fool, like I am a fool.
but she will never feel the way a fool feels.
giddy and self absorbed.
letting you reel em in.
you’re a real fisherman.

and I am confused.

because I’m trying to look at it through your eyes
condemning
I am trying to look at it through your eyes through my eyes
with my mind
confusing.
and the fuse is the most important part.

I’m trying to explain life.
it’s two cabbies trying to explain life.
it’s a cancer patient trying to explain the pain
It is me.
eating a pomegranate.

this is a girl who comes from the pills.
this is a world that came from its fathers balls.
this is a girl who loves to watch the world go by. in circles.
Did you notice that the trees have lost their leaves?

this is a girl who is crying.
right. now.
who’s lying.

these are the clues as I see them:
fnord.
hell.
pills.
comma faults
hospital gowns
good luck
bad luck
star fruit
cats
aluminum foil
punks with magnets on their feet
boys with camouflage
25 cent machines

I can’t run that far.
Fuck.
when your leg reads: I COME FROM HELL, PILLS, LONELY, YOU, HATE, LOVE, TESTICLES. and you know that you wrote that, but you don’t know why.
when you scratch your head and your skin flakes off.
then you have to pick the flakes out of your red hair, and you go ARGHHH!!!
so instead you put it in a pigtail and go on a pill search.
I’m sick of pills
I wish for pills
I almost wrote piss, and that would have been heckah funny

and I do that stupid half laugh

and I let nofx seep into my brain
and I love it enough to search for the pills


and RAWR!
I go like this:





so take your stupid jacket

How can I say that my problems are any more important than anyone elses? I can’t.
Stevie Saunders, who can’t read the word “motorcyclists”
Simone Dowsett whos mom is having gastric bypass surgery tomorrow.
Mark Ortiz who is on the verge of getting kicked out of his grandmas house for destroying the car, third time.
Cecilia Berry on the verge of failing her classes.
On the brink of self destruction.
I feel like I can’t keep doing this.
I hate when people laugh at Stevie.
I hate when people act like their problems are so much bigger than everyone elses.
When they act like people put them down so hard, like they don’t turn around and do the exact same thing.
everyone.
it’s fucked up.
and it makes me want brass knuckles.
and I want to call janine
because she is like my sister.
and it makes me want to throw people off something high, just for being there.

I want to cry.
Shelby said don’t be sad. I told her that all the other people who were sad were rubbing off on me, so she said be happy, because me and dina are happy. And she said, in fact, feel mediocre because some people are happy and some people are sad.
and that’s it, isn’t it.

and who am I to you?
and who am I to anyone?
and what would I be doing Now, if I got that one math question right?
I’m confused,
is that what they call fate?

do I fucking care?
do I want you?
I know I want to be having withdrawals
I want to feel your pain. I want someone to punch me in the face. To fucking kick me in the stomach. To force it upon me.
I don’t know what I want.
I just want to feel normal.
I just want to take two placebos and you can call me lame.
I’ll listen to nofx.
I fuckin love nofx
don’t you dare tell me to turn it down.

I wish I had blood
I wish I had red.
I wish I had wings
and I wish I had some popcorn. yeah. no.
I
I
I
I wish I were that smart.
I wish I were that lame
I wish I could count on that
I wish I knew what I’m fuckin talking about

I don’t feel like this is healthy.

I came home
mark busted the tire
and he
meth?
I don’t know
and she hasn’t come home, I guess
heroin addicts
they stole victorias bras for the elastic so they could tie their arm for
(heroin addicts)
and they stole
and I’m confused
and I’m alone
and my stomach fucking Hurts.

I miss kj.
dammit
I’m wishing for pills
I’m wishing for lame
I’m wishing for hope,
I wish I didn’t sound this bad
I’m not this bad
I’m fine.
I
am good.

property of __________
cecilia rose anne berry
cecilia rosanne berry
I fucking hate myself.


see how i fucking go back and forth?
and i go
i love cecilia berry
i hate cecilia berry

and chloe and ashley just walk around the school every lunch.
no matter what cecilia berry thinks

and that is crazy, foo.

it's okay! allow yourself a little hate!
hatred is not so bad, when directed at injustice.
you can turn the other cheek, just don't turn the other way.
Enemy of the planet, we finally have a common aim!
A reason to forget about our differences and stand as a united front!
it’s up to us, we must expose, humiliate American errorists
we’ll start with one:
The
war
has
just begun!

dang
what really sucks now is that there are no more pills.
not that they would really do anything for me.
but i would love to be stoned right now.
i would love to be high.
angels we have heard on high.
sweetly sings the donkey. what bullshit! donkeys do not sing sweetly they like...bray
i hate mr. kendell
i hate mr. johnson
i can not wait until june 9th.
or eighth, whatever
98 school days
damn woah damn
i want some D-r-u-g-s
every day i want drugs
i miss kj
i miss roxxy
i miss sam
oh, sam is in my pocket! hell yeah!
the rest of those bastards are in my backpack
but sam is the best
and the fat guy with the rat on his shoulder
but i wanted to see dick and henriettas kids!
but...vanessa was already on the bus
dang! i wanted to see those sheep!
i am happy today
it's a good thing
but..
i have to put my hair in a ridiculous ponytail (ricockulous) because it's all whack-flavor you know what i mean
i
love
nofx

and it is time for me to GO GO GO!

i love xiu xiu too
fuck yeah
america!

what do they got that i ain't got?
courage.

i want to feel this
i hate not feeling this
i want to see them.
in front of me
in back of mee
500 mgs

i like kj a lot.