i got it!
i just have to fucking look up on this DBT.
it's dialectic behavior therapy.
this dialectic thing means like...logical argument.
which is totally what remo lacks right?
so fuckin
all i have to do is look up on how they do it, and read a crapload of case studies, like i have on MPD, then i have to apply it to remo and figure out the best course of action.
cecilia you crazy genius.
just...do this right.
i need like guidance or something. but...
i just need ... some information.
fucking
information.

oh man i'm so...
like, i had a crazy dream. probably because i smoked salvia. it was horribly vivid. i wish i didn't smoke all my cigarettes yesterday.
mark is off to barstow.
remo and victoria have returned to stay, and with two kittens. they call one dookie and i call the other tabitha.
they're all black. very cute.
sammy is running around the house sniffing things noisily.
i'm just listening to nofx. wearing a nofx shirt. thinking about...kj mostly.
kj
bpd
puzzles
naiobe kenobe
salvia
coricidin
omelettes
all the things i love to love and love to hate. i don't know what i'm talking about. i'm just feeling kind of confused and...out of it.
i've been really exhausted. i figure it's because of the coricidin.
i figure the dreams have been because of the salvia.
i figure the weight over my whole concept of self is the salivia too.
i miss kj.
i miss him so much that i'm worried. it's like...taking up all my thoughts. i was playing dragonball budokai 3 for the first time ever. and i kicked gokus ass. because i was the fucking prince of saiyens. but it was funny because i was talking to the fuckin tv screen like FUCKIN TAKE THAT ASSHOLE!!!
it was more fun than i'm letting on.
then when cell beat me 3 times in a row and i had to see vegeta die all sad-like, i turned it off and jumped on my bed.
and i flipped off that fucking puzzle for staring me in the face like You can't put me together!
all the pieces
and i know that they fit, it's just a matter of finding the right ones and putting them in the right order. none of those pieces don't fit, you know?
it's like...it pissed me off.
and i went to sleep and had a god-awful dream again.
and i'm thinking maybe i know who i am, but maybe no one else does. and i don't care. it doesn't matter as long as i have elton john and the things that i hold close to my heart to keep me cecilia.
nofx.
elton john.
buying new calandars.
i love new calandars. its important because you're going to have one calandar for the whole year. and every month you get to turn the page. and it's like well fuck, that picture's over and done with.
i still haven't bought a new calandar.
i haven't had much time for anything.
i think i...
(don't have any money)
...would like to buy a cd player so i could listen to elton john at school. or nofx or dresden dolls or msi or linda ronstadt, whatever.
carla gave me a great skirt.
i bought a great shirt.
i wish carla were here.
i miss her a lot. her cousin anna, too.
it's kind of boring to be back here. i got used to going places every day, and putting on awesome makeup every day. and now it's like ....i don't have money to go anywher and i don't have awesome makeup, mostly because i don't have money. and there's nowhere to go anyway. and there's no one to see. and when i call my boyfriend no one answers.
hahahah! ok so this morning i go into remos room and i talk to them for a while about something... then i start talking about kj and how i miss him so much and i want him to call. and they're like why don't you call him? and i go i fucking have! and victoria goes well, i'll call. and she calls and i don't even know if it was the right number because i said it from memory and she leaves this insane message in some whackass accent that goes like "i'm calling for kj and tell him to call me on the telly" or something. and i'm like you fuck! don't fucking leave whackass messages!
then she calls from upstairs and invites me to go up and douche with her!! she fucking calls on remos cell phone? oh and she keeps on telling me oh kjs probably doing brandi. blah blah blah, he's probably just not picking up the phone because its your number and don't worry we can follow him around and remo can beat him up and i can beat her up and all this. and i'm like will you shut up!? i mean, i know i said that sort of shit to them when they were first going out and i know its fucked up and they want their revenge but seriously! i don't need that shit!
i don't know.
i can't stand looking up borderline personality disorder.
especially when remo is right upstairs.
i feel like i'm betraying him because...he doesn't seem like he has borderline personality disorder except when..he does.
but right now he just seems like normal remo that lived with me forever.
and it's hard for me.
but i know its true because i mean...i have a fucking memory, right? and i know what happened on new years. and part of me goes "well you were on coricidin, what do you know"
but i know what is true and i know what fits.
it's just hard, that's all
and i dont' want to talk to anyone about it because they can say they understand all they want but they don't because they aren't me. you know? it's like...they can say oh you must feel really spread thin because you feel like everyone has problems and its up to you to solve them. and they would be explaining it perfectly, but it wouldn't mean anything to me to be understood. i fucking understand myself. i don't need other people to understand. i just want them to...fuck i don't need them to do anything. fuck...i'm fine on my own.
i just wish i could...
have a beer for one thing. a cigarette would be nice.
a beer would be ultimately better.
the 22 year old has disapeared to barstow.
i'm missing him already and he's only been gone for a few hours.
beer. it's so crisp and delicious. when you crack one open, it's this fantastic sound that goes "yep".

so i'm ignoring my feelings because i don't want to think about them. so what?
so that's just as bad as remo, right?
so you don't want things to get worse.
but i cant help it because...they have someone to talk to about how they feel. remo can come up to me and i can understand. victoria can come up to me and i can understand. mark, mom, jared even. i have roxxy but i don't want her understanding. i know she understands. i know kj understands. i want my family to understand.
i want them to understand me and i want them to undertstand eachother and i definately don't want remo to be a borderline.

i like when sammy is inside. she's a good dog.
she likes to annoy lissy though.

its the end of the world as we know it
and i feel fine.

we opened the doors we prefer to lock.
and remo has a shadow.
and i wonder if that means i don't know what to do.
i smoked salvia,
i am jesus.
i am energy.
i am positive.
then when the high was over, i knew it was real and i knew it would stay.
and i know that i am fine.
that i do not have problems because i understand that problems can only stick to you if you are a magnet.
and it is up to me to help my brother, my sister in law, my nephew my parents.
my parents...
it is going to be so hard because i am not a therapist.
i don't have the tools.
i don't have the experience.
i am just a girl that thinks she can help.
i have faith in myself.
and i have faith in the great magnet.

i can't waste any more time crying about the past
i was always wasting time
"oh i'm addicted to drugs"
"oh my parents don't understand me"
"oh i'm worried nobody likes me"
but to say i love you, you must first learn to say i.
and i've integrated my stupid halves.
and i've created this being that understands.
and now i don't have anyone to talk to.
until i integrate them
then they can speak, too.

and i really felt like jesus
because they are blind.
and i am going to make them see.

try at least.

its one o clock in the mornin
and the american eagle outfitter pants!
yes!
with stripes
and i got that out of animal cookies

i feel like arial
how can something this good be bad?
oh well
that was last year
this is this year
we are partying
this is everyone
remo
carla
victoria
me
ryan
anna
tracy
that's everyone
where's ryan?

today is so much better!
hecka
but i'm worried that i'm not connected
and i'm worried that kj doesn't lvoe me which is stupid
because he does
right?
i ask myself like i know stupid!ahhaha of course he does he's like the guy that does this. and i do a dance and i know that yeah, i like being around him best of all. because we say stupid things, and i can run anywhere i want to run.
i love to run.

kj do you understand who i am?
i am a girl with the ocean under her feet,
and i am a girl who doesn't trust anyone
but i am trying to trust you
i am afraid to pour my heart out because it's like booze.
you know? like you don't want to waste it.
i love kj.
there are these things that i just....love
and i love him
and i have the love
and i'm in a window looking down and it goes johnny dpp all of a sudden and OH GOD!! i'm fucking scared now because what if i'm wrong and i'm not talking about the right person

oh god i'm fucked up

uh....

say it aint so
i will not go
turn the lights off
carry me home!

i am not a cat
i am not a killer whale
i am most definately not a backflip superstar
but i am the telephone that rings like a fuckin

you gotta get the camera
with enunciation!!
got-to-get-da-came-ra
ooohhhhh
toot
toot

i am not france.
who cares.
i hate ____
and i don't want to see you ever again
but i will
and i will always do it again
because the antagonist always prevails
becuase sequals make so much money.
not sequins you stupid kid.
i am sorry.
i took 8 coricidins
that is a bad thing to do
not as bad as 17
but it is still a bad thing
when i swore i wouldn't do it again
and it's not even hitting me right, and that's the reall...bugger.
hahaha
like
i'm so slow
and tired
wretchedly tired
and we're waiting for ryan to go home
and i took 8 i took 8
and 1 is the loneliest number 1 is the loneliest!
gggg ghetto cowboy!
i have it. but i'm less than enthused.
i wish kj were here.
i miss him heckah.
and i cannot SEE!!
i threw up.
bleck >_< nasty!!
i am dancing to a song in my head
a song in my body
its hitting me!!
for the first time in heckah
but oh boy oh boy!
we gotta pile of sunrise to deal with yonder bear boyd man child this is my 11:26
RAWR
and i just took another one
bad idea i say
but i do declare i can float in the air!

and with some love from above
you must
don't caress the weasel!
i want a banana!
anna banana!
you should meet this anna girl, she rocks and is from oklahoma.
yes yes yes
i ate a cute hot dog
with relish
and i checked out a cute boy
and i said, kj is cuter.
and he was, really.
kj is my perfect
and i sing "you
are my shining star"
because he is an angel
with wings
and with a skinny body
with a dysfunctional stomach
and i love it.

and i love new years
and i love my new mini bubbler-pipe-bong-thing
and we shall smoke out of it, salvia status
and carla is making death noises
and i do not know why
but we don't need to worry
as i assure you
bob marley
everything's gonnna be all right.
i love it.
cecilia berry reading the choo choo train book
here here here we go!
there there there she is!
and i laugh and laugh like the fucking red fat woman!
like
no mushrooms probabbly i'm too poor
i'm not jealous anymore because it's like a whip
insta-quick but it goes away pretty fast.
speedy gonzoles like fuckin my sperm
or like...i mean sea monkeys
i do not like green eggs and ham
i do not like them sam i am

i miss kj
i wish we were here together
and we could make fun of a furby
and we could
but i hope he loves me
and i hope he likes me

and i woke up the other day feeling left behind
and i feel right now.......
....
shaky
understanding
clear
crystal clear
everything
immediate
love
caring
breathing

but i don't feel kj. and i'd rather have him here than have all the glorious understanding in the world.
there is chaos and there is order
and there is left and there is right
and there are fax machines and airplanes
what does that mean?
there are plastic cups for sale in red white and blue
if you can think of it we will purchase it
and i'm afraid of vaccuums
i am needy and i am dependant
i am lost and i am a soldier
i am sitting in the hallway wishing i had money to buy a snack
because i am winnie the pooh
but i don't smell bad
because i used sham-pooh
ha
haha
i'm gut-fuckin-hilarious
and you love it!
don't be hatin!

fuck



there is lying involved
if we bought 16(2)
that is 32
i took 9
anna took 9
that is 18
32 - 18 = 14
if carla took 14....
that is a lot
that is a very lot.
that is a very big lot.

i'm scared
but whatever
i'm also very comfortable a
and i wish i could see your toes
and i love water
so dearly
speaking in a british accent
is the greatest
and i wish i looked over to find you in the wardrobe, crouching behind the coffee table where the cats are having a tea party!
there's concert hall in vienna! in some hallway where love's never been.

it's just so easy to fall down
it's just so fucking


i miss you

RAWR
i am jealous of a girl named brandi

and i had a terrible dream last night
and kj was paying no attention to me
and i was talking to him and touching him
but then he turned into ryan
and i was like why aren't you kj?!
and i started crying
and i woke up on carlas floor going Oh Dear.

so you go to itsmylife.com
and they say Anyone can die any day. Everyone needs a Will. Everyone wants to be remembered fondly. So we charge a price everyone can afford. Seven key documents for $19.95. Couples get a discount.
so i laugh
and it's great
and i smell kj, but he's not here. so my olfactory...glands are going all Oh look kj! and my eyes are like you stupid stupid brain! and i laugh some more.
ho ho ho.
like santa
and i say it like "like sahntah."
and i don't know why.
but!


so when the bushes aren't manufacturing blackberries we sue them!
and when the kava kava isn't prepared i am crying like
wanting beer.
wanting
anything
and i get out of school at 12:10
then it is disco time with my son glen and my chin-ball rat, chito.
and naiobe kenobe
and ralph can run about my room
because i hate that foo.

i'm looking up ways to prepare kava kava. i'm in this class for another whole hour!
and erowid says "use of this drug can cause a peculiar scaly eruption of the skin" and i go Ew, but i already have psoriasis so...bring on the kava.
i wish i had some beer.
beer
beer
beery dreams!!! i love beer.
like i want to live with roxxy and kj.
and we can sit and go, bout that time eh chap? and look at the sunset and go, well we'll have to demolish the house from the Inside. and then we can warm our hands on the lightbulbs. and then me and kj can totally have sex on the cushions that roxxy just cleaned then we'll go oh ro we apologize
then we could go to the frige and get out a nice icy miller high life.
fuckin
you know what? anything + miller high life= hells yeah.
it doesn't matter what goes on as long as there's miller high life.
like if your friend says hey, i have this girlfriend who's coming over and she's a TWIN! and you can do the TWIN! then the twin has like a hand coming out of her head, and she has no hair and crazy teeth. the only question is well, how much beer is left.
that's bad, cecilia.
fuckin chris kattan is a whackass
and c 3po is gay.
and i fall on the floor and i'm laughing.

i knew you were the one when i saw Machine Gun Ettiquette
i knew you were the one when i saw the Peace War Comp
yeah yeah yeah!!!

so jared left me like....a couple tablespoons of Kava kava.
and i'm not sure how to prepare it, but i will call him, yes.
he left me some other crap too, like little rock-hard brown thingies. i'm not sure what it is, he labeled it but the mans handwriting is wretched.
chito has a tumor or something on her neck. it looks like she has balls on her chin. it is a sad sad thing, and i feel so bad for the girl.
i fucking hate econ, but i'm studying anyway.

i feel kind of stupid.
it's whack.
=(

i miss one kenneth james
HE.
is the hottest thing since fat mike.
since Sam Rivera.


ooh, interesting question. do we feel the way we do because of the music we listen to, or do we listen to the music we listen to because it's the way we feel?

dude
we're watching this show
with a guy with spots and he's green.
and they're chasing the sheep
and the girl looks at her pigtails and has this how did i get here look on her face.
because she's hypnotized by the woman with the hook for a hand, who's like mostrous.
and it's in spanish so we just put nofx on and we're watching it mute.
and it is fuckin entertaining.
but really weird.
like.
what?

freakin
i spilled water all over myself
and it was funny
way big time

i don't know what i was talking about...
hahhaa
fuck
i think
i will smoke some POT
FUCK! I hecka have to clean the kitchen! omigod omigod!
hahahha!!!
i am sticking out my tongue and making faces
and it is...fuckin weird. i'll be honest. it's fuckin weird but i'm done with that now. and ....it is kitchen-clean time!

dang, but i was onto something
i was saying something like from my heart
and i forgot what it was.
so...maybe it wasn't that important!!
but...i don't know
it has a lot to do with stevie saunders
and how everyone laughs at her when she reads from the drivers ed book. and they rush her along, and if it weren't for them reading the big words for her, she would probably learn how to read them. and it's sad.
and people are so capable of saying unkind things.
and i say unkind things.
and i'm sorry.
and i'm sorry.
and all the people i talk to are capable of saying unkind things. and we forget about the feelings we put on other people. and they feel bashed. fucking. bashed.
i know what i'm talking about even though i feel pathetic
i always know what I am talking about
which...i mean at least i'm coherent to myself yaa mean?

i'm just cecilia berry
trying to be genuine.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU.

I FUCKING HATE WHEN THINGS GO A BAD WAY.
NOT EVEN MY WAY OR YOUR WAY.
A BAD WAY.
A WAY THAT MAKES EVERYONE UNHAPPY.
AND I WISH MY FATHER WERE SANTA CLAUSE. OR MR ROGERS. OR SOMEONE THAT HAS THOSE EYES THOSE KIND EYES THOSE UNDERSTANDING EYES. YES I HATE THE WORLD
YES I HATE YOUR WORLD THE WORLD
YES I HATE MYSELF
YES I HATE IT

YES I HATE BRIDGES.
THAT FUCKING MONSTER BRIDGE ALL GREEN AND SPOOKY
AND I HATE THAT I'M SUCH A STUPID KID.
AND I HATE WHEN I TALK TO YOU AND YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT
LIKE WORSE THAN SHIT
LIKE IMMATURE OR WORSE... IGNORANT.
i am not ignorant.
i am a lot of fucking things immature is the least of it, but i'm not fucking ignorant.
and one day i'd just like to fucking kill that pain.
those Lies.
people who do nothing but disagree. because That is what we do.
and i hate it.
and i fucking hate it.
and i understand it. For fucks sake i...i'm not less than you.

i'm not less than you. that's all i'm saying. i'm not trying to prove that i'm anything. i'm not anything. i'm just a lonely kid on this end of this place. and i don't mean shit. i Know. but that's the point, i do know that at least.
i don't think i am any better than anyone else, because... SERIOUSLY god said we're all equal, isn't that right?
what does it matter whether god exists or whether right is left or left is right or cecilia berry is really cecilia donato, which she isn't anyway. it's just the equality. That black is the same as white that calico is worth just as much as striped. i'm being honest. i'm Always being honest.
and i feel like i don't belong here.
because nobody respects that.
like...not like that.
i don't mean it like...bad.
i'm just feeling like i am less than you.
you being everybody.
and i'm not. and i know that.
and i'm just trying to figure out why i feel like that if nobody ever did anything to make me....
fuckin
i gotta get the phone

dammit
i have a cavity, i know it.
i have been home for like an hour and a half
and i am expected of this
like thunderstorms
like things are going to change

like clean the fucking dishes
like seriously.
like.
i didn't break the car,
i just want to leave this fucking place

sammys inside
and you give me that look
and they don't acknowlege you SO WHAT
and you don't acknowlege them
things go
Both Ways
with bothe.
with an e.
extra capitalism
lissy's growling


prove you
yes YOU
kuso otousan
goshimpai naku or Whatever
i like mustard so
i'm typing lefthanded

but when i saw christ on parade
and this is boston not l.a.
i knew you were the one.

yeah.
cheese with mustard,
it deserves a theme song.
heck yes.
i <3 it

I want a picture of me like
with my arms spread out
because
I’m jesus.
and I’m like holy
with this expression on my face like, my child

hahaha.


mambo numba 5!

I WANT CHEESE WITH MUSTARD ON IT! i know that sounds gross
but i hecka think i'm gonna eat some.. like in kangaroo land, where we know that breath mints are from de-hooved horses
which is PETA status
like the t-rex with the carrot and the no fur sticker
because he is a vegan.
heck yeah.
and the fuckin thing. with the upside down head!
i LOVE kj!
i LOVE roxxy!
I LOVE CHRIS KATTAN!
Fuck i hate school
but that is no big deal
when it is december 20th and it is 4:30!
Duh.
time to study economic terms
i'm totally wasting time because i don't like econ.
i think
therefore i am!
so i'm kickass like a panda.
watch me fail, kids!

i feel bad
when i mean it
and you look at me like i'm crazy
and i mean every word i say because i am the mocha childe.

you know me.
he knew me.
and he can explain me with two words:
She's Crazy.
and anthony won't believe him
but i talk to him a lot more than i talk to anthony
and it is the truth
and i am the truth
remember that stupid book by steven king?
remember how much you hate steven king?
i can't stand it.
and here i am
standing it.
going rawrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!
oh my my my!!
wahoo!
silly boy with cornbread in your hand!
Why have you fallen down?!

but it never made sense
because i'm talking crazy.
even she knows it.

and that wasn't even one stephan king book it was like six of them because THAT motherfuckers crazy, not me!

i know, i know.
so i laugh.