okay so i feel like shit.
it doesn't matter why, there is no legitimate reason for it.
i just feel like shit.
and it's raging shit. less like dried up cow shit and more like diarrhea that leaks into your socks.
i feel, basically, like firing.
like running through a field right? like a beautiful meadow, okay. but with this blow torch in my hand, right? and i fucking go up to this deer. and i fucking torch the shit out of it. and as it runs away in complete deer terror, these little fawns pop their heads out of a blackberry bush. and they stare at their lovely doe of a mother burning and running. and they're left to face the world. and i'm standing there. and i'm torching the whole fucking place. like that, is how i feel.
i feel like pulling out a shotgun, right? not even a shotgun, those sick machine gun things like on grand theft auto, where you have one in each hand. and you just keep firing. and i can be like the guy on the predator, you know, the one that cuts his man-breast open. the one with all the ammo all over his chest.
and i feel like beating the shit out of someone.
nothing structured, like up...down...lift...lift...lift
(i'm referring to weight lifting)
i mean something that resembles throwing the weights at someones face. and bashing their fucking skull in and just ... violent thoughts, you know?
the things you're definately not supposed to talk about in school.
and so i walk through the hallway listening to the sounds. (bombs bombs away! i'm a teenage battlefield) and going Dammit Dammit DAMMIT! i mean..Hell!
then mr. arnett walks by and says which is it, dammit or hell?
and i goes, well fuck, it's both, isn't it?

that sort of bullshit i like to pull.
the raging against the authority.
real fucking smart.
the kind of person that tries to steal baby jesus.
the kind of person that wants to do something illegal just for the sake of doing it. just for the adrenaline rush. just for getting caught. just for kicking ass. just for that look that people give you, that one look that means "you fucked up."
that honest look. where these adults, this authority...they think for a second you're just a normal pissy teenager. then they get this look in their eye. and they say something like "well, it's not all bad in life.." and they do the make-the-fuck-up-feel-better bit. but then they have this eye that shows a tiny bit of fear. of understanding. of wow, this kid is fucked up. and they keep talking but they lose the "make you feel good" and it turns into "just finish talking and get the hell out of here".
i love that.
i fucking love that.

dang, so i'm reading up on coffins.
and i want one.
oh
so
bad.

but i guess i'd rather focus on tap shoes.
i know there's got to be some place i can steal some from!
oh, boo. me and victoria and remo are on the job hunt. >_<

but on the brighter side, once i get a job i can actually buy myself a calander instead of using a crappy handmade one.

dear oh dear i'm back being a library aide.
with a new library aiding partner.
its fantastic.

i'll tell you a secret from my secret heart
i am in love.

i am so cold.
we went outside
and caught the rabbits
and it was so cold
and that stupid away in the manger song was playing
and i remembered that stupid concert i had to sing at
then angelina said "come on, ceci!"
and she was after the rabbit
and i was lost in this nostalgic moment.
then i went back inside and found myself thinking to myself
kj is really hot. and i want to do him very bad.
the end.

i love vegeta. he is so cute.
i don't think i've ever loved an anime character more than i love vegeta. then again...there is the kill bill guy...but he's just cute. and vegeta has the most kickin attitude in all the 2d world.
i do declare!
you know, he goes "hmph"
and he goes "kuso!"
and he goes "kotowaru!"
and he goes "k-k-k-kso" when he's all pissed off at the fact that he likes bulma.
hahah!!
i love this fucking show!!!
golly gee gosh!
boy oh boy!


...

there's this guy that i'm in totally in love with.
and its not vegeta either.
i mean
it's.....



i want to laugh.
i want to scream at the skies.
i want to bazooka someone.
and i want to do it wearing a skirt.
FUCK!!!
i am so happy, right?
i'm like doing backflips inside my head.
and i don't care what you have to say about it.

ooh, it's 4:20
i think
i should smoke some ganja
which is hard to do when you have small children running beneath your feet.
and my mom moved the cigarettes.
=(
and uh....
i'm bored.
and i'm not bored.
and i want to kick some ass.
AND! i feel like a superstar
a super saiyen? hell no.

my name is cecilia rosanne berry.
i'm this girl who forgot what color her hair really is.
i'm this girl who likes to cut up squash and plant the seeds.
i'm this girl who put a hot pepper in her mouth and totally spit it out because mouth + fire = very painful.
and i don't even care.
i'm just so happy to be me right now.
that happens sometimes...
then sometimes i get all angry and sad. but that hasn't happend in a while.
woo hoo!!


mailman mailman
do your duty

woooooooooohooooo!!!
i'm excited and i will tell you why!
i am watching dragon ball z!
i am eating top ramen and this red smoothie thing and a grilled cheese sandwich!
hell yeah!
and uh, i feel like beating someone up.
i've been thinking about that a lot lately. i don't know why. but....
oh and i've been ogling vegeta for the past few hours. and its funny because he comes on the screen every few minutes and each time i go bejita!!! and scream
it's so exciting!
i'm so excited
and i wish i knew king kong.
and io think, now, it is time to watch secret window. but, i thought she meant secret garden so i was like ALL RIGHT!!! but then i was wrong
so now i'm like. oh. well.....

i'm having so much fun doing a whole lot of nothing.
amounting to nothing and having a kick ass time.
we know that we aint shit! yeah yeah yeah!
FUCK! I LOVE BEING ALIVE. it's like the most rockin thing ever!

yes.
i'm fine now.
i think i just had to let all that shit out.
and now i'm like all revved up

good book to have: skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder by marsha linehan. she's been mentioned over and over. except it was written in 1993...
okay this is the sort of shit i need to write down in that other journal thing for personal reference.
fuck
i'm out, kids.

boku genki!

oh damn
i miss kj
i want to kiss him
and do him
and touch him all over the place
and then i want to eat a cantelope.
you know what? i think cantelope is the first word i said this morning. which tells me that i really want some.
but i had to eat a pear instead.
but i want an orange because they're totally my favorite fruit. but... i ate them all yesterday.
boo =(

i'm getting tired of listening to nofx
and i want to go upstairs and listen to elton john
and read up on dbt.

i got it!
i just have to fucking look up on this DBT.
it's dialectic behavior therapy.
this dialectic thing means like...logical argument.
which is totally what remo lacks right?
so fuckin
all i have to do is look up on how they do it, and read a crapload of case studies, like i have on MPD, then i have to apply it to remo and figure out the best course of action.
cecilia you crazy genius.
just...do this right.
i need like guidance or something. but...
i just need ... some information.
fucking
information.

oh man i'm so...
like, i had a crazy dream. probably because i smoked salvia. it was horribly vivid. i wish i didn't smoke all my cigarettes yesterday.
mark is off to barstow.
remo and victoria have returned to stay, and with two kittens. they call one dookie and i call the other tabitha.
they're all black. very cute.
sammy is running around the house sniffing things noisily.
i'm just listening to nofx. wearing a nofx shirt. thinking about...kj mostly.
kj
bpd
puzzles
naiobe kenobe
salvia
coricidin
omelettes
all the things i love to love and love to hate. i don't know what i'm talking about. i'm just feeling kind of confused and...out of it.
i've been really exhausted. i figure it's because of the coricidin.
i figure the dreams have been because of the salvia.
i figure the weight over my whole concept of self is the salivia too.
i miss kj.
i miss him so much that i'm worried. it's like...taking up all my thoughts. i was playing dragonball budokai 3 for the first time ever. and i kicked gokus ass. because i was the fucking prince of saiyens. but it was funny because i was talking to the fuckin tv screen like FUCKIN TAKE THAT ASSHOLE!!!
it was more fun than i'm letting on.
then when cell beat me 3 times in a row and i had to see vegeta die all sad-like, i turned it off and jumped on my bed.
and i flipped off that fucking puzzle for staring me in the face like You can't put me together!
all the pieces
and i know that they fit, it's just a matter of finding the right ones and putting them in the right order. none of those pieces don't fit, you know?
it's like...it pissed me off.
and i went to sleep and had a god-awful dream again.
and i'm thinking maybe i know who i am, but maybe no one else does. and i don't care. it doesn't matter as long as i have elton john and the things that i hold close to my heart to keep me cecilia.
nofx.
elton john.
buying new calandars.
i love new calandars. its important because you're going to have one calandar for the whole year. and every month you get to turn the page. and it's like well fuck, that picture's over and done with.
i still haven't bought a new calandar.
i haven't had much time for anything.
i think i...
(don't have any money)
...would like to buy a cd player so i could listen to elton john at school. or nofx or dresden dolls or msi or linda ronstadt, whatever.
carla gave me a great skirt.
i bought a great shirt.
i wish carla were here.
i miss her a lot. her cousin anna, too.
it's kind of boring to be back here. i got used to going places every day, and putting on awesome makeup every day. and now it's like ....i don't have money to go anywher and i don't have awesome makeup, mostly because i don't have money. and there's nowhere to go anyway. and there's no one to see. and when i call my boyfriend no one answers.
hahahah! ok so this morning i go into remos room and i talk to them for a while about something... then i start talking about kj and how i miss him so much and i want him to call. and they're like why don't you call him? and i go i fucking have! and victoria goes well, i'll call. and she calls and i don't even know if it was the right number because i said it from memory and she leaves this insane message in some whackass accent that goes like "i'm calling for kj and tell him to call me on the telly" or something. and i'm like you fuck! don't fucking leave whackass messages!
then she calls from upstairs and invites me to go up and douche with her!! she fucking calls on remos cell phone? oh and she keeps on telling me oh kjs probably doing brandi. blah blah blah, he's probably just not picking up the phone because its your number and don't worry we can follow him around and remo can beat him up and i can beat her up and all this. and i'm like will you shut up!? i mean, i know i said that sort of shit to them when they were first going out and i know its fucked up and they want their revenge but seriously! i don't need that shit!
i don't know.
i can't stand looking up borderline personality disorder.
especially when remo is right upstairs.
i feel like i'm betraying him because...he doesn't seem like he has borderline personality disorder except when..he does.
but right now he just seems like normal remo that lived with me forever.
and it's hard for me.
but i know its true because i mean...i have a fucking memory, right? and i know what happened on new years. and part of me goes "well you were on coricidin, what do you know"
but i know what is true and i know what fits.
it's just hard, that's all
and i dont' want to talk to anyone about it because they can say they understand all they want but they don't because they aren't me. you know? it's like...they can say oh you must feel really spread thin because you feel like everyone has problems and its up to you to solve them. and they would be explaining it perfectly, but it wouldn't mean anything to me to be understood. i fucking understand myself. i don't need other people to understand. i just want them to...fuck i don't need them to do anything. fuck...i'm fine on my own.
i just wish i could...
have a beer for one thing. a cigarette would be nice.
a beer would be ultimately better.
the 22 year old has disapeared to barstow.
i'm missing him already and he's only been gone for a few hours.
beer. it's so crisp and delicious. when you crack one open, it's this fantastic sound that goes "yep".

so i'm ignoring my feelings because i don't want to think about them. so what?
so that's just as bad as remo, right?
so you don't want things to get worse.
but i cant help it because...they have someone to talk to about how they feel. remo can come up to me and i can understand. victoria can come up to me and i can understand. mark, mom, jared even. i have roxxy but i don't want her understanding. i know she understands. i know kj understands. i want my family to understand.
i want them to understand me and i want them to undertstand eachother and i definately don't want remo to be a borderline.

i like when sammy is inside. she's a good dog.
she likes to annoy lissy though.

its the end of the world as we know it
and i feel fine.

we opened the doors we prefer to lock.
and remo has a shadow.
and i wonder if that means i don't know what to do.
i smoked salvia,
i am jesus.
i am energy.
i am positive.
then when the high was over, i knew it was real and i knew it would stay.
and i know that i am fine.
that i do not have problems because i understand that problems can only stick to you if you are a magnet.
and it is up to me to help my brother, my sister in law, my nephew my parents.
my parents...
it is going to be so hard because i am not a therapist.
i don't have the tools.
i don't have the experience.
i am just a girl that thinks she can help.
i have faith in myself.
and i have faith in the great magnet.

i can't waste any more time crying about the past
i was always wasting time
"oh i'm addicted to drugs"
"oh my parents don't understand me"
"oh i'm worried nobody likes me"
but to say i love you, you must first learn to say i.
and i've integrated my stupid halves.
and i've created this being that understands.
and now i don't have anyone to talk to.
until i integrate them
then they can speak, too.

and i really felt like jesus
because they are blind.
and i am going to make them see.

try at least.

its one o clock in the mornin
and the american eagle outfitter pants!
yes!
with stripes
and i got that out of animal cookies

i feel like arial
how can something this good be bad?
oh well
that was last year
this is this year
we are partying
this is everyone
remo
carla
victoria
me
ryan
anna
tracy
that's everyone
where's ryan?

today is so much better!
hecka
but i'm worried that i'm not connected
and i'm worried that kj doesn't lvoe me which is stupid
because he does
right?
i ask myself like i know stupid!ahhaha of course he does he's like the guy that does this. and i do a dance and i know that yeah, i like being around him best of all. because we say stupid things, and i can run anywhere i want to run.
i love to run.

kj do you understand who i am?
i am a girl with the ocean under her feet,
and i am a girl who doesn't trust anyone
but i am trying to trust you
i am afraid to pour my heart out because it's like booze.
you know? like you don't want to waste it.
i love kj.
there are these things that i just....love
and i love him
and i have the love
and i'm in a window looking down and it goes johnny dpp all of a sudden and OH GOD!! i'm fucking scared now because what if i'm wrong and i'm not talking about the right person

oh god i'm fucked up

uh....

say it aint so
i will not go
turn the lights off
carry me home!

i am not a cat
i am not a killer whale
i am most definately not a backflip superstar
but i am the telephone that rings like a fuckin

you gotta get the camera
with enunciation!!
got-to-get-da-came-ra
ooohhhhh
toot
toot

i am not france.
who cares.
i hate ____
and i don't want to see you ever again
but i will
and i will always do it again
because the antagonist always prevails
becuase sequals make so much money.
not sequins you stupid kid.
i am sorry.
i took 8 coricidins
that is a bad thing to do
not as bad as 17
but it is still a bad thing
when i swore i wouldn't do it again
and it's not even hitting me right, and that's the reall...bugger.
hahaha
like
i'm so slow
and tired
wretchedly tired
and we're waiting for ryan to go home
and i took 8 i took 8
and 1 is the loneliest number 1 is the loneliest!
gggg ghetto cowboy!
i have it. but i'm less than enthused.
i wish kj were here.
i miss him heckah.
and i cannot SEE!!
i threw up.
bleck >_< nasty!!
i am dancing to a song in my head
a song in my body
its hitting me!!
for the first time in heckah
but oh boy oh boy!
we gotta pile of sunrise to deal with yonder bear boyd man child this is my 11:26
RAWR
and i just took another one
bad idea i say
but i do declare i can float in the air!

and with some love from above
you must
don't caress the weasel!
i want a banana!
anna banana!
you should meet this anna girl, she rocks and is from oklahoma.
yes yes yes
i ate a cute hot dog
with relish
and i checked out a cute boy
and i said, kj is cuter.
and he was, really.
kj is my perfect
and i sing "you
are my shining star"
because he is an angel
with wings
and with a skinny body
with a dysfunctional stomach
and i love it.

and i love new years
and i love my new mini bubbler-pipe-bong-thing
and we shall smoke out of it, salvia status
and carla is making death noises
and i do not know why
but we don't need to worry
as i assure you
bob marley
everything's gonnna be all right.
i love it.
cecilia berry reading the choo choo train book
here here here we go!
there there there she is!
and i laugh and laugh like the fucking red fat woman!
like
no mushrooms probabbly i'm too poor
i'm not jealous anymore because it's like a whip
insta-quick but it goes away pretty fast.
speedy gonzoles like fuckin my sperm
or like...i mean sea monkeys
i do not like green eggs and ham
i do not like them sam i am

i miss kj
i wish we were here together
and we could make fun of a furby
and we could
but i hope he loves me
and i hope he likes me

and i woke up the other day feeling left behind
and i feel right now.......
....
shaky
understanding
clear
crystal clear
everything
immediate
love
caring
breathing

but i don't feel kj. and i'd rather have him here than have all the glorious understanding in the world.
there is chaos and there is order
and there is left and there is right
and there are fax machines and airplanes
what does that mean?
there are plastic cups for sale in red white and blue
if you can think of it we will purchase it
and i'm afraid of vaccuums
i am needy and i am dependant
i am lost and i am a soldier
i am sitting in the hallway wishing i had money to buy a snack
because i am winnie the pooh
but i don't smell bad
because i used sham-pooh
ha
haha
i'm gut-fuckin-hilarious
and you love it!
don't be hatin!

fuck



there is lying involved
if we bought 16(2)
that is 32
i took 9
anna took 9
that is 18
32 - 18 = 14
if carla took 14....
that is a lot
that is a very lot.
that is a very big lot.

i'm scared
but whatever
i'm also very comfortable a
and i wish i could see your toes
and i love water
so dearly
speaking in a british accent
is the greatest
and i wish i looked over to find you in the wardrobe, crouching behind the coffee table where the cats are having a tea party!
there's concert hall in vienna! in some hallway where love's never been.

it's just so easy to fall down
it's just so fucking


i miss you

RAWR
i am jealous of a girl named brandi

and i had a terrible dream last night
and kj was paying no attention to me
and i was talking to him and touching him
but then he turned into ryan
and i was like why aren't you kj?!
and i started crying
and i woke up on carlas floor going Oh Dear.

so you go to itsmylife.com
and they say Anyone can die any day. Everyone needs a Will. Everyone wants to be remembered fondly. So we charge a price everyone can afford. Seven key documents for $19.95. Couples get a discount.
so i laugh
and it's great
and i smell kj, but he's not here. so my olfactory...glands are going all Oh look kj! and my eyes are like you stupid stupid brain! and i laugh some more.
ho ho ho.
like santa
and i say it like "like sahntah."
and i don't know why.
but!


so when the bushes aren't manufacturing blackberries we sue them!
and when the kava kava isn't prepared i am crying like
wanting beer.
wanting
anything
and i get out of school at 12:10
then it is disco time with my son glen and my chin-ball rat, chito.
and naiobe kenobe
and ralph can run about my room
because i hate that foo.

i'm looking up ways to prepare kava kava. i'm in this class for another whole hour!
and erowid says "use of this drug can cause a peculiar scaly eruption of the skin" and i go Ew, but i already have psoriasis so...bring on the kava.
i wish i had some beer.
beer
beer
beery dreams!!! i love beer.
like i want to live with roxxy and kj.
and we can sit and go, bout that time eh chap? and look at the sunset and go, well we'll have to demolish the house from the Inside. and then we can warm our hands on the lightbulbs. and then me and kj can totally have sex on the cushions that roxxy just cleaned then we'll go oh ro we apologize
then we could go to the frige and get out a nice icy miller high life.
fuckin
you know what? anything + miller high life= hells yeah.
it doesn't matter what goes on as long as there's miller high life.
like if your friend says hey, i have this girlfriend who's coming over and she's a TWIN! and you can do the TWIN! then the twin has like a hand coming out of her head, and she has no hair and crazy teeth. the only question is well, how much beer is left.
that's bad, cecilia.
fuckin chris kattan is a whackass
and c 3po is gay.
and i fall on the floor and i'm laughing.

i knew you were the one when i saw Machine Gun Ettiquette
i knew you were the one when i saw the Peace War Comp
yeah yeah yeah!!!

so jared left me like....a couple tablespoons of Kava kava.
and i'm not sure how to prepare it, but i will call him, yes.
he left me some other crap too, like little rock-hard brown thingies. i'm not sure what it is, he labeled it but the mans handwriting is wretched.
chito has a tumor or something on her neck. it looks like she has balls on her chin. it is a sad sad thing, and i feel so bad for the girl.
i fucking hate econ, but i'm studying anyway.