ok so i got sidetracked and started reading about these people losing their virginity.
and i remembered that yeah, that first sexual experience with that hot fucker in the back of his car hurt at first.
and that sucked.
but that got better.
i think that's because i was drunk.
i wish i were drunk now.

i got this horrible idea okay?
maybe its from reading all these forums, but i'm really Really wanting to drink these 17 ml of nyquil. which is fucking stupid and i know it. it's more stupid than my genius idea of trying to lift the weights outside that mark was lifting. so that's 9500 mgs of acetaminophin. i think the highest recomended dosage any (ab)user would say is 4000 mgs. acetemenophen overdose could mean: serious liver damage, bloody stools, and serious death. (presumably serious). i know that but i don't feel it.
and then there's 118.75 mgs of doxlamin succanate. i don't even know what that IS, but i figure 1120mgs of it cant be genius.
then my favorite ingredient, dextromethorphan hbp. there's only 375mgs. which is equivalent to about 12.6 coricidin pills. which could fuck me up a little bit, but will be nothing but a shadow behind the horrible pain i'll bear from the acetaminophin. or the horrible death, whatever comes.
i used to have that stopping me, that my neices would know after all that i'm a fuck up. but... they know that and they're already on their way to fuck-up-ism, alysson at least. 11 years old and stuck on beer. when i was eleven i didn't know what pot was, let alone identify the smell of it. i mean, i didn't figure out pot until i was at least 13, probably 14! then again, who helped raise her?
i've been fucked up on dex around her.
<drug addict!>
i fucking hate myself, see?
i take drugs in front of my 11 year old neice.
and i do all the math that says i know just how harmful this cherry flavored shit is...
yet i know i'm going to drink it.
and all this is kind of like a .... pep rally for my insides. okay kids! this will rock! on the count of three!! wahoo!! poison time bitch!
but as long as i keep writing...i don't have time to drink anything.
but... fucking

...
fuck that shit.
cecilia berry you do not need aceteminophin.
that's ridiculous
aceteminophin is a fucking pain reliever
it's fucking aspirin.
it's bad for you in high doses, kid
it's a TERRIBLY STUPID idea.
fuck i already put that shit away and said fuck the nyquil idea twice, but it's back in my pocket isn't it?
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!

okay
i'm fine
i just hate mathematics
and quantum mechanics
and birds that don't know how to fly

i am going to rewrite the song because of you by kelly clarkson.
except it will rock.
like
becuase of you i got all kinds of stds
because of you i wash my dick but it still stinks
because of you i got crabs and
ohhhh...kay
no more
i can't do it like mark does it
but it WILL rock and i'll sing it every day during chorus
muahahhah!!!!!........
that's bullshit.

oh fucking hell
i found this crazy forum thing
and it's uh...helpingteens.org
i found it because i was looking up...coricidin and long term effects and stuff about liver damage or whatever
and i'm reading all these stupid kids saying shit with this horrible inability to spell.
and they're going:
coricidins my favrite and every body whos says its fucking kills you there just stupid peopl anyway ~~~ love ana
and shit like that.
fuck

here you go, straight from some stupid girl that thinks she's the smartest person since einstien.
GOD... Ok the people who almost die or do die took and ubserd amount od DXM and there unbelievably stupid for taking that much ... i look up dxm every chance i get to see if theres new researchs on it and people who die from it are the people who cant control them selfs when there high .... or are addicted to it and took like 90 pills ... yes theres a risk of ur liver and kidneys but same goes with weed alchol or to much of anything ... suck as water that can also kill you ... yes i understand ur concern and thank you for it ... i did watch 20/20 but remmeber they said he was trippin he passed out and wha not thas bc he was SOOOOOOOOOOO NERVIS infront of them cops or didnt kno wha to do so his body shut down plus hes the dork who took 90 pills UR HOLE STOMACH has to b filld with lil red pills ugh jus thinking about it makes me wana throw up MUAHZ CHICKA ... and i understand where ur coming from jus control urintake and everythign should b good
PS i went to the hospital too but thas bc i did it iin school and got caught and my heart was goin to fast but nothing happend and im healther then ever !!! MUAHZZZZZZZ OPOS gota go bell rang later!! <3 always Me... :o)~

It is better to remain silent and look like a fool, than to speak up and prove it.
-Unknown

i don't know.
i don't think i'm very healthy inside anymore.
mr-i-smoke-too-much
mr-take-15-pills-every-day-for-a-week
why don't you stop drinking and smoking and fucking around with drugs and maybe you could go for a day without feeling nauseous.
without having horrible stomach pains. not oh my tummy hurts. more like god i feel like my stomach is about to explode and i kind of hope it does so at least the pain will end.
it's not that bad.
i'm fine, i mean, as long as i just.......
fucking nobody needs to hear this shit.
cecilia berry don't drink the aceteminophin just because there's dextromethorphan in it. it won't even hit you. not one bit.
that's a waste of time.
and it will fuck you up even more.
and it is just a generally bad idea.
very
bad.

okay so did you know that reality shows "stem passion for 1/3 of couples"
can you believe they did some study about people having less sex when they have a tv in their bedroom?
and like..violent shows keep them from sex and blah blah blah.
but at least they didn't find that violent shows led to fucking like rabbits, right?

hey so it's martin luther king day, right? and i turn on the tv and there is fucking nothing on the subject of martin luther king. like, i don't know what i expected, a little remembrance thingie? then again, it's 10, so maybe they figure everyone that gives a shit about martin luther king already woke up and remembered him now they're doing some productive shit. and all the people that wake up at 10 just want to watch martha stewart and some lame-ass digital wannabe clay animation cartoon about a girl who kicks a ball around. i mean, i'm sure it's a great show, but what about fuckin i have a dream?
yesterday was Crazy.
we were at the emergency room for like three hours. at like...9:30 or 10, i was watching shaun of the dead with my mom and dad and glen and mark, and remo and victoria were upstairs fighting; they'd been fighting all day, actually.
i decided i didn't want to get into it for once and i just avoided them entirely.
and fuckin remo yells down the stairs, ceci! victoria needs your help!
and i was kind of pissed that they'd interupt my delicious movie with mousie little shaun with the whack haircut, but i went up there and victoria was locked in the bathroom and she was crying or whatever.
and remo's all ask if she wants a tampon and he gives me pants and underwear and i'm like uhhh...
so i goes, victoooriiaaaa, i've got a tampooooon.
and she let me in.
and and she goes, ceci, Look at this.
and i was like holy cow.
because that was a shitload of blood. like..this sounds horribly disgusting, but it was horribly disgusting. i asked if she had any pain, and she said no but the blood was still coming out. and it all came out at once when she was sitting on the bed, and she said it felt like she peed her pants. and her pants were fucking soaked. and remo, madly in love as he is, washed her bloody pants while victoria was on hold with some operator bitch for a half an hour. and when they finally picked up, they said "oh that's normal for a dnc patient, and unless it happens again within the next hour i wouldn't worry."
and so we felt kind of dumb for getting all crazy.
and we scrounged for change to go buy beer.
and mark and remo and victoria left to get it. and they returned in the time it takes to get to the bottom of the driveway because it fucking happened again.
and victorias cutie pajama pants were all bloody and she was totally afraid of bleeding to death.
and i was like what the FUCK do we do?
and so remo was cleaning her pants while she continued to...like...fill the toilet with blood basically. it's nasty but she did that like twice, not to mention the shitload of blood on her pants.
it's like, fuck, i don't ever want to see vaginal blood in my life again. which really sucks because in like two days i have to deal with my fucking shit. unless i'm pregnant which would be fucking hilarious, lets face it.
anyway we go to the emergancy room.
and we wait for fuckin three hours
and all they say is oh .... well we'll take some blood to see if you need some blood. and they said well that's.. kinda normal.
anyway, brighter side of the whole thing is that they said her numbers finally went down to zero.
which means that today she is at san jose, and she's gonna get her shots in her ass, but then after next monday and next friday, there's no more ass-shots for her because she's better! i wouldn't say "all better" because i don't trust the fact that she fuckin splooshed a shitload of blood uncontrollably.
anyway we went home and got drunk and all was right in the world.

except i'm kind of hungover now.
and i didn't get to sleep until 5 something
so i think that kind of means that...i should pass out for a few more hours before attempting the actualy awakening process, like showering and all that jazz.
i feel kind of like i'm still sleeping.
i hate that.
anyway.
yesterday was crazy
i fucking hate hospitals
i hate when you smoke all your cigarettes way too fast
i hate when you fucking read winnie the pooh goes to school becasue you're so fucking bored
and i hate that there's nothing on about martin luther king
so fuck you asshole, i'm in charge.

i'm looking up on twinkies to find out whether that hype about leaving twinkies on a shelf for a kajillion years and how it's still all spongy and normal for a twinkie.
believe it or not, cecil addams has nothing to say on the fact.
he does mention the twinkie defense though, about the dude that killed harvey milk and the mayor guy. everyone thinks the twinkie defense was like...he killed the people because he ate twinkies. but really they were proving that he was temporarily...not insane, but like...depressed and proof of that was the fact that this usually health conscious man had become a junk food junkie before the crime.
interesting, but not the information i was looking for.
poor twinkies. we love to ridicule them. =(

its not...pride. it's definately not pride. i don't want it like that. it's just a.... an...excuse? a...plea?
i don't know. it's me begging you to fuck me up.
or it's me begging you to help me up.
to stand beside me.
to sing along.
to give me that push in the right direction.
but instead they give me that little fuck up speech.
so i keep doing everything the wrong way. to ask them just how far i can go.
it's go time.

okay so i feel like shit.
it doesn't matter why, there is no legitimate reason for it.
i just feel like shit.
and it's raging shit. less like dried up cow shit and more like diarrhea that leaks into your socks.
i feel, basically, like firing.
like running through a field right? like a beautiful meadow, okay. but with this blow torch in my hand, right? and i fucking go up to this deer. and i fucking torch the shit out of it. and as it runs away in complete deer terror, these little fawns pop their heads out of a blackberry bush. and they stare at their lovely doe of a mother burning and running. and they're left to face the world. and i'm standing there. and i'm torching the whole fucking place. like that, is how i feel.
i feel like pulling out a shotgun, right? not even a shotgun, those sick machine gun things like on grand theft auto, where you have one in each hand. and you just keep firing. and i can be like the guy on the predator, you know, the one that cuts his man-breast open. the one with all the ammo all over his chest.
and i feel like beating the shit out of someone.
nothing structured, like up...down...lift...lift...lift
(i'm referring to weight lifting)
i mean something that resembles throwing the weights at someones face. and bashing their fucking skull in and just ... violent thoughts, you know?
the things you're definately not supposed to talk about in school.
and so i walk through the hallway listening to the sounds. (bombs bombs away! i'm a teenage battlefield) and going Dammit Dammit DAMMIT! i mean..Hell!
then mr. arnett walks by and says which is it, dammit or hell?
and i goes, well fuck, it's both, isn't it?

that sort of bullshit i like to pull.
the raging against the authority.
real fucking smart.
the kind of person that tries to steal baby jesus.
the kind of person that wants to do something illegal just for the sake of doing it. just for the adrenaline rush. just for getting caught. just for kicking ass. just for that look that people give you, that one look that means "you fucked up."
that honest look. where these adults, this authority...they think for a second you're just a normal pissy teenager. then they get this look in their eye. and they say something like "well, it's not all bad in life.." and they do the make-the-fuck-up-feel-better bit. but then they have this eye that shows a tiny bit of fear. of understanding. of wow, this kid is fucked up. and they keep talking but they lose the "make you feel good" and it turns into "just finish talking and get the hell out of here".
i love that.
i fucking love that.

dang, so i'm reading up on coffins.
and i want one.
oh
so
bad.

but i guess i'd rather focus on tap shoes.
i know there's got to be some place i can steal some from!
oh, boo. me and victoria and remo are on the job hunt. >_<

but on the brighter side, once i get a job i can actually buy myself a calander instead of using a crappy handmade one.

dear oh dear i'm back being a library aide.
with a new library aiding partner.
its fantastic.

i'll tell you a secret from my secret heart
i am in love.

i am so cold.
we went outside
and caught the rabbits
and it was so cold
and that stupid away in the manger song was playing
and i remembered that stupid concert i had to sing at
then angelina said "come on, ceci!"
and she was after the rabbit
and i was lost in this nostalgic moment.
then i went back inside and found myself thinking to myself
kj is really hot. and i want to do him very bad.
the end.

i love vegeta. he is so cute.
i don't think i've ever loved an anime character more than i love vegeta. then again...there is the kill bill guy...but he's just cute. and vegeta has the most kickin attitude in all the 2d world.
i do declare!
you know, he goes "hmph"
and he goes "kuso!"
and he goes "kotowaru!"
and he goes "k-k-k-kso" when he's all pissed off at the fact that he likes bulma.
hahah!!
i love this fucking show!!!
golly gee gosh!
boy oh boy!


...

there's this guy that i'm in totally in love with.
and its not vegeta either.
i mean
it's.....



i want to laugh.
i want to scream at the skies.
i want to bazooka someone.
and i want to do it wearing a skirt.
FUCK!!!
i am so happy, right?
i'm like doing backflips inside my head.
and i don't care what you have to say about it.

ooh, it's 4:20
i think
i should smoke some ganja
which is hard to do when you have small children running beneath your feet.
and my mom moved the cigarettes.
=(
and uh....
i'm bored.
and i'm not bored.
and i want to kick some ass.
AND! i feel like a superstar
a super saiyen? hell no.

my name is cecilia rosanne berry.
i'm this girl who forgot what color her hair really is.
i'm this girl who likes to cut up squash and plant the seeds.
i'm this girl who put a hot pepper in her mouth and totally spit it out because mouth + fire = very painful.
and i don't even care.
i'm just so happy to be me right now.
that happens sometimes...
then sometimes i get all angry and sad. but that hasn't happend in a while.
woo hoo!!


mailman mailman
do your duty

woooooooooohooooo!!!
i'm excited and i will tell you why!
i am watching dragon ball z!
i am eating top ramen and this red smoothie thing and a grilled cheese sandwich!
hell yeah!
and uh, i feel like beating someone up.
i've been thinking about that a lot lately. i don't know why. but....
oh and i've been ogling vegeta for the past few hours. and its funny because he comes on the screen every few minutes and each time i go bejita!!! and scream
it's so exciting!
i'm so excited
and i wish i knew king kong.
and io think, now, it is time to watch secret window. but, i thought she meant secret garden so i was like ALL RIGHT!!! but then i was wrong
so now i'm like. oh. well.....

i'm having so much fun doing a whole lot of nothing.
amounting to nothing and having a kick ass time.
we know that we aint shit! yeah yeah yeah!
FUCK! I LOVE BEING ALIVE. it's like the most rockin thing ever!

yes.
i'm fine now.
i think i just had to let all that shit out.
and now i'm like all revved up

good book to have: skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder by marsha linehan. she's been mentioned over and over. except it was written in 1993...
okay this is the sort of shit i need to write down in that other journal thing for personal reference.
fuck
i'm out, kids.

boku genki!

oh damn
i miss kj
i want to kiss him
and do him
and touch him all over the place
and then i want to eat a cantelope.
you know what? i think cantelope is the first word i said this morning. which tells me that i really want some.
but i had to eat a pear instead.
but i want an orange because they're totally my favorite fruit. but... i ate them all yesterday.
boo =(

i'm getting tired of listening to nofx
and i want to go upstairs and listen to elton john
and read up on dbt.

i got it!
i just have to fucking look up on this DBT.
it's dialectic behavior therapy.
this dialectic thing means like...logical argument.
which is totally what remo lacks right?
so fuckin
all i have to do is look up on how they do it, and read a crapload of case studies, like i have on MPD, then i have to apply it to remo and figure out the best course of action.
cecilia you crazy genius.
just...do this right.
i need like guidance or something. but...
i just need ... some information.
fucking
information.

oh man i'm so...
like, i had a crazy dream. probably because i smoked salvia. it was horribly vivid. i wish i didn't smoke all my cigarettes yesterday.
mark is off to barstow.
remo and victoria have returned to stay, and with two kittens. they call one dookie and i call the other tabitha.
they're all black. very cute.
sammy is running around the house sniffing things noisily.
i'm just listening to nofx. wearing a nofx shirt. thinking about...kj mostly.
kj
bpd
puzzles
naiobe kenobe
salvia
coricidin
omelettes
all the things i love to love and love to hate. i don't know what i'm talking about. i'm just feeling kind of confused and...out of it.
i've been really exhausted. i figure it's because of the coricidin.
i figure the dreams have been because of the salvia.
i figure the weight over my whole concept of self is the salivia too.
i miss kj.
i miss him so much that i'm worried. it's like...taking up all my thoughts. i was playing dragonball budokai 3 for the first time ever. and i kicked gokus ass. because i was the fucking prince of saiyens. but it was funny because i was talking to the fuckin tv screen like FUCKIN TAKE THAT ASSHOLE!!!
it was more fun than i'm letting on.
then when cell beat me 3 times in a row and i had to see vegeta die all sad-like, i turned it off and jumped on my bed.
and i flipped off that fucking puzzle for staring me in the face like You can't put me together!
all the pieces
and i know that they fit, it's just a matter of finding the right ones and putting them in the right order. none of those pieces don't fit, you know?
it's like...it pissed me off.
and i went to sleep and had a god-awful dream again.
and i'm thinking maybe i know who i am, but maybe no one else does. and i don't care. it doesn't matter as long as i have elton john and the things that i hold close to my heart to keep me cecilia.
nofx.
elton john.
buying new calandars.
i love new calandars. its important because you're going to have one calandar for the whole year. and every month you get to turn the page. and it's like well fuck, that picture's over and done with.
i still haven't bought a new calandar.
i haven't had much time for anything.
i think i...
(don't have any money)
...would like to buy a cd player so i could listen to elton john at school. or nofx or dresden dolls or msi or linda ronstadt, whatever.
carla gave me a great skirt.
i bought a great shirt.
i wish carla were here.
i miss her a lot. her cousin anna, too.
it's kind of boring to be back here. i got used to going places every day, and putting on awesome makeup every day. and now it's like ....i don't have money to go anywher and i don't have awesome makeup, mostly because i don't have money. and there's nowhere to go anyway. and there's no one to see. and when i call my boyfriend no one answers.
hahahah! ok so this morning i go into remos room and i talk to them for a while about something... then i start talking about kj and how i miss him so much and i want him to call. and they're like why don't you call him? and i go i fucking have! and victoria goes well, i'll call. and she calls and i don't even know if it was the right number because i said it from memory and she leaves this insane message in some whackass accent that goes like "i'm calling for kj and tell him to call me on the telly" or something. and i'm like you fuck! don't fucking leave whackass messages!
then she calls from upstairs and invites me to go up and douche with her!! she fucking calls on remos cell phone? oh and she keeps on telling me oh kjs probably doing brandi. blah blah blah, he's probably just not picking up the phone because its your number and don't worry we can follow him around and remo can beat him up and i can beat her up and all this. and i'm like will you shut up!? i mean, i know i said that sort of shit to them when they were first going out and i know its fucked up and they want their revenge but seriously! i don't need that shit!
i don't know.
i can't stand looking up borderline personality disorder.
especially when remo is right upstairs.
i feel like i'm betraying him because...he doesn't seem like he has borderline personality disorder except when..he does.
but right now he just seems like normal remo that lived with me forever.
and it's hard for me.
but i know its true because i mean...i have a fucking memory, right? and i know what happened on new years. and part of me goes "well you were on coricidin, what do you know"
but i know what is true and i know what fits.
it's just hard, that's all
and i dont' want to talk to anyone about it because they can say they understand all they want but they don't because they aren't me. you know? it's like...they can say oh you must feel really spread thin because you feel like everyone has problems and its up to you to solve them. and they would be explaining it perfectly, but it wouldn't mean anything to me to be understood. i fucking understand myself. i don't need other people to understand. i just want them to...fuck i don't need them to do anything. fuck...i'm fine on my own.
i just wish i could...
have a beer for one thing. a cigarette would be nice.
a beer would be ultimately better.
the 22 year old has disapeared to barstow.
i'm missing him already and he's only been gone for a few hours.
beer. it's so crisp and delicious. when you crack one open, it's this fantastic sound that goes "yep".

so i'm ignoring my feelings because i don't want to think about them. so what?
so that's just as bad as remo, right?
so you don't want things to get worse.
but i cant help it because...they have someone to talk to about how they feel. remo can come up to me and i can understand. victoria can come up to me and i can understand. mark, mom, jared even. i have roxxy but i don't want her understanding. i know she understands. i know kj understands. i want my family to understand.
i want them to understand me and i want them to undertstand eachother and i definately don't want remo to be a borderline.

i like when sammy is inside. she's a good dog.
she likes to annoy lissy though.

its the end of the world as we know it
and i feel fine.

we opened the doors we prefer to lock.
and remo has a shadow.
and i wonder if that means i don't know what to do.
i smoked salvia,
i am jesus.
i am energy.
i am positive.
then when the high was over, i knew it was real and i knew it would stay.
and i know that i am fine.
that i do not have problems because i understand that problems can only stick to you if you are a magnet.
and it is up to me to help my brother, my sister in law, my nephew my parents.
my parents...
it is going to be so hard because i am not a therapist.
i don't have the tools.
i don't have the experience.
i am just a girl that thinks she can help.
i have faith in myself.
and i have faith in the great magnet.

i can't waste any more time crying about the past
i was always wasting time
"oh i'm addicted to drugs"
"oh my parents don't understand me"
"oh i'm worried nobody likes me"
but to say i love you, you must first learn to say i.
and i've integrated my stupid halves.
and i've created this being that understands.
and now i don't have anyone to talk to.
until i integrate them
then they can speak, too.

and i really felt like jesus
because they are blind.
and i am going to make them see.

try at least.

its one o clock in the mornin
and the american eagle outfitter pants!
yes!
with stripes
and i got that out of animal cookies

i feel like arial
how can something this good be bad?
oh well
that was last year
this is this year
we are partying
this is everyone
remo
carla
victoria
me
ryan
anna
tracy
that's everyone
where's ryan?

today is so much better!
hecka
but i'm worried that i'm not connected
and i'm worried that kj doesn't lvoe me which is stupid
because he does
right?
i ask myself like i know stupid!ahhaha of course he does he's like the guy that does this. and i do a dance and i know that yeah, i like being around him best of all. because we say stupid things, and i can run anywhere i want to run.
i love to run.

kj do you understand who i am?
i am a girl with the ocean under her feet,
and i am a girl who doesn't trust anyone
but i am trying to trust you
i am afraid to pour my heart out because it's like booze.
you know? like you don't want to waste it.
i love kj.
there are these things that i just....love
and i love him
and i have the love
and i'm in a window looking down and it goes johnny dpp all of a sudden and OH GOD!! i'm fucking scared now because what if i'm wrong and i'm not talking about the right person

oh god i'm fucked up

uh....