trying to make some sense
two cabbies trying to explain the world
you're right
i'm right
he's right
yeah right.

Date: 2005-06-19 14:07
Subject: cheer me up today
Security: Public

if my flapjack doesn't find me
if he doesn't prove me right
if he doesn't make me know that i am decent and good
i'm afraid i will do something bad.
if he doesn't open my eyes and say look at how beautiful it all is
if he doesn't put his arms around me and kiss me on the neck
if he doesn't kiss my hand the way dracula would do
if he doesn't let me love him
if he decides to just give up
so too will i.

________________________________
it's funny when you go on livejournal
and find things you wrote last year.
and the things you were concerned about
and the things you thought were important
and your worries and thoughts
and it's like wow
nothing really matters in the long run
again
truth is contingent

my head, it itches so.
i'm sick of the shit i'm sick of.
because i've been sick of it for so long.
and it's like those psychology books.
she just wants a baby because it's someone to talk to.
it's just an escape from her wretched family.
i have this cough, see.
a dry cough.
i have this friend who has arthiris in her chest
i have this friend who has drugs in her system
i have this friend whose cancer numbers have gone down greatly
i have this problem in my stomach that causes me nausea for no reason.
i have this pain in my stomach that grips the sides.
i have this friend inside of my head.
i have this enemey inside of my head.
but it's nothing like the movies.
and it's nothing like skittles but i wish i had skill. because, then i wouldn't need skittles would i?
and i could write a book on family problems so fast.
and i have had a Really Shitty time in my life, but i'm not a bitch and i don't complain (to other people) and i don't..,..
nothing i say is true. i'm just contradicting truth. what was it that wretched book said...? something about truth and opinion and how if you say something, you said it, and it doesn't matter if it's true or not anyway because truth is contingent. obviously, i mutter.
so fuck, i want mushrooms.
i will obtain moneys
and kj and i shall do mushrooms together, if he wants.
and i just feel like shit right now.
but i'd rather not get into that.
that's for livejournal.

dude.
victoria
san jose
i miss kj
long story
very tired
fuck hospitals
victorias getting out finally
she went in on monday
we came here wednesday night
she went into this "procedure"
because she has a uteran vascular malformation.
and the doctors don't actually seem to know what it is.
and they don't know what to do.
they went in the big artery in her leg with a cathavar or whatever the fuck, and the put dye in her leg to see her veins and to see if these artery things are intertwined, and they were, but they were worse than they thought they were. so they tried to block these blood vessals with particles so she won't bleed anymore. but it was unsucessful. so she's out of the hospital today until they get research done.
and vic said well i'm coming back on monday from placer county
and they said monday won't be enough time. and you shouldn't travel.
so she's staying at lucys.
so i'm staying at marinas.
and i only have one other thing to wear.
but i can get over that.
i spent the whole day next to my sister in the hospital.
she was out. she was totally passed out.
and i was knitting, writing, watching the clock go from 9:30 to 9:45 to 10:30 to 10:45 to 11:00 and just waiting for the doctor to come and take her to surgury. and i stayed there until 2:50 before they came.
then we ate some togos and it was spectacular.
then we went back and she was out of surgury/procedure
and i'm sick of hospitals.
and i actually wish i was at school.
i'm reading this book the realm of truth, and it's really awesome. by awesome i mean thought provoking which sounds kind of gay but i really like it so HUH!
yeah that was kind of a wrestler noise, there should be some gs in ther like huuahhhgghhh
and either i'm hallucinating, the scale at home is wrong, the scale at my aunts house is wrong, or i lost like 8 pounds.

i'm a whackass
but i'm done beatin myself up about it
because i'm not actually feeling so shitty anymore
because i read all these old diary notes
and i was fucking happy
for no reason at all
and i kept saying "i wish i had beer" or like "beery dreams" or "if i only had beer" and today it's like well hey, i was happy then without beer and now i Have beer! so fuck, i'll just drink a beer then everything will be like a party
with glen, my beautiful son with a missing tooth
and we can have a disco.
and it's a fuckin party up in herr.
and it's ilke mc donalds
da da da da da i'm lovin it BITCH
hahahh~!
yaaayyy

i am a horrible person.











but dear god i see it.
i see the happiness.
i see the sadness.
then i'm just confused.
and now i'm just confused.
and it's sad.
and then i'm in the middle of my civics class and i want to cry, if given half a chance i could start bawling.
but it doesn't affect anyone else that way, so then i'm looking around the room and i'm alone.
and i feel stupid
and i feel like they're stupid
which is a stuipd conclusion to come to
and i hear kj saying i think cecilia needs some new adjectives
and i half smile and half think shut up stupid
and i'm going FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
because i'm not stupid
right?
right?
obviously, if i'm looking to another person for the answer to a question important only to me
a philosopher is nothing
was nothing
never will be

hakuna matata



i just want to......be okay.

but i have an itch inside
for beer
for taste
for love
for hate
for pain
for death
for murder
for sobs
for that hell that comes when i drink and vomit and i feel like my entire body hates me.
for the feeling i get when someone tells me the complete and bitter truth
for the feeling i get when i feel like shit, that shit feeling
for a cigarette
for something i can't find in books.

and i wish more than anything that i could shut up.
because obviously, cecilia, it's your fucking fault you're so understood. you hate when people know you. you hate when people seem to understand you. yet where do they get that shit except from the shit you do. you're not exactly written in a foreign language.
i just wish i were a fucking mystery
hidden in the back pages
i'm sick of being cecilia
i just...wish the world were a better place.
and i'm fucking starting to cry
so i say
obviously if i drink the 211s...the world will be a better place.
right?
right?
i'm so weak. so fucking weak
and pathetic
and i care.

okay fuck it i'm going to keep complaining, but this time about those fucking externalities.
so mark takes the car, right?
and my mom is raging, kicking up the stage, and i am telling her to calm down please because i can't you can't we can't do anything about it.
and then there's remo and victoria
and what are they doing right now?
and there's beer in the fridge.
211s, 4 of them.
and i'd drink them if not for the fact that mark paid for them with his pain his last paycheck
meaning he was sad because of stephanie
and we were at the pet store
right across the street from chevys
and he was watching her walk
but at least i know my mom has the cigarettes
little miss i quit smoking
little miss i'm so sweet and gentle and come here i'll give you a hug
then here i am at my fucking worst
and believe you me i hate my fucking worst
its the worst that would destroy a fucking field of daisies and stomp the fuck out of them and laugh and laugh and laugh.
and laugh.
and laugh
and cry
and choke on tears and vomit and smoke and beer.
and then i'd be like HEY HEY! HEY!!!!! and yell at some random stranger about something that you know he didn't do.
you KNOW he didn't do.
you know i didn't do.
but i'm back on the inside now
and no one needs to hear about that.
.......
recently my mom's been watching british television every night around this time.
i mean, right now i could be watching the news or something, not that that would make me feel any better.
i'm awfully sore because of weight training
fucking at the library i was talking to mark about weight training
and the kid dustin goes "you do NOT need weight training"
and i was like whatever
but the whole time i wanted him to leave
but i couldn't just be like hey fucking guy get out of my face, because he wasn't annoying me too bad, just a little.
and i don't want to be mean when he was just looking for a bit of conversation
i mean
pathetic conversation with a random person at the library
but still
then there's the lights going on on all areas of the house
and my mom's all flipping out
which means the house will be clean tomorrow
and every time i get over my problems or any kind of problem, some SHIT happens and i'm back at square one. not even like take 6 steps back, more like oh you're back at start bitch magiclike!
which is like the hand of god, invisable
and she goes "i can't believe he did that, the little shit."
and i'm concentrating only on the fact that she's taking off her jacket
that jacket, to me, means only Marlboro.

i'm a waste
a drug addict
an alkie
or at the very least the beginnings of one
the begining when i'm just a stupid kid forcing problems onto myself like a fucking self centered BITCH
and worse yet, i know i shouldn't be talking so much shit to myself Right Now
but i'm doing it
and why
i don't know
i feel like i deserve everything bad in the world
i feel like i deserve some random library kid to bore me to death with titles of sex books.
i feel like i deserve to sit and listen to mrs babcock
i feel like i deserve everything crap in the world
so now that i'm feeling like this, at least i'm not thinking i'm too good for school!
hahahhahahahhAHHAHAH! FUCK I HATE CONTRADICTION!
FUCK I HATE MY MOM!
FUCK I HATE MY SCHOOL
FUCK I HATE EVERYTHING
so i'll just blow my fucking head off
STUPID!
god damn the way the mind works is extraordinary
extrordinarily stupid
fuck humans
fuck existance
fuck the fact that i'm actually horribly consistent
consistent in my rages
and my loves
and my hates
and my greats
FUCK IT ALL
and there it is, the bitch that dwells inside me, right?
remember.,....the bitch with no name is what me and amanda called her.
i cant wait to fucking get out of this
i can't wait for my happiness to come back
i've been pissed for a few days
it's pissing me off.
i can't wait



i want to go to the monteray bay aquarium
i want remo and victoria to return home
i don't want victoria to die
i don't even know whether that's a possibility
i dont' know whether i should drink a beer...

i don't want to keep writing but if i stop nothing good can come of it.
i'm not just going to go upstairs and read and do homework.
i'm going to drink, smoke, scream, cry and feel sad that kj isn't going to call even though i hecka want him to
but it doesn't matter because his call wouldn't do anything for me.
same as all those fucking books in the library didn't do anything for me.
same as in n out didn't do anything for me.
same as seeing shannon didn't do anything for me
same as the beer won't do anything for me
same as birth didn't do anything for me
same as school aint doing shit
same as fucking grammar never meant a thing
same as life didn't mean a thing

and i'm going so-silly-a, don't you know? can't you look around and see the beauty.
can't you lay down in the middle of school and watch a bird fly from one tree to another and call it Love.
can't you see a dust fluff float through your english and call it beauty?
can't you see fucking anything?
and call it truth.
and call it metaphysical.
(just don't call me late for dinner)
but its so hard to keep two minds at once
at once
that's the only hard part
its like if i were only
1
i would be only
1
but if i am only
2
then i am fucking
screwed
times 2
and i'm just



i'm sorry for the bother.

other than that i'm feeling great.

boo hoo
i'm a terrible person
some kid at the library was talking to me for no apparant reason
i feel like killing mrs babcock
but i'm conflicted because i'm supposedly a nice person
gemini bitch ms wicked witch of the west and fucking glenda the good witch
which witch is the worst witch
and i'm just so fucking lost
and pissed
and i do declare
that i will be driven insane by the only person who can drive me so, Cecilia Rose Anne Berry.
FUCKING cecilia rosanne berry.
i'm fucking in love with kj
in fact i won't even call him kenneth anymore even though i think it's awfully cute
and every day is every day me yawning me crying me going
boo
hoo
and it's not because the work is too hard
it's not because the teachers are mean
it's not because the kids talk shit
it's not because i dont fit in
it's because there is absolutely nothing to do.
and it is so boring
and there is no such thing as challenge
and in fact, i feel stupid for wanting to be challenged
when majority rule is stupididty for all i just feel kind of left out
and mrs babcock goes oh i won't make you learn that, and i read the paragraph and it says something meaningful.
something that goes like "we must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang seperately" -benjamin franklin
"people who are in the majority at any given moment often don't understand why they shouldn't be allowed to have their way. the simple answer is that by respecing the rights of others, they are protecting their own rights in the long run, because tomorrow or next year, or ten years from now, they may be in the endangered minority"
"the kings ministers were poorly informed and stubborn. They pushed ahead with the policies, despite the resentment they stirred in America. Within a few years, the coloniests were forced to a fateful choice; to submit or revolt"
and if those bastards had half a brain they'd listen and understand and CONNECT IT WITH THE NOW.
but they fake snore and go GAWD HOW BORING
and that lousy bitch of a teacher listens to them, skips everything of any importance, and gives us shit, type bull, to regurgitate later in the year.
THE POINT is that it's awful.
i think its awful.
and i also feel like i have no right to my opinion since it's obviously not respected or even (partially) understood.
and so i decide it would do me good to stand up and punch her in the face. or at least bring a lemon merangie pie to school and smoosh it in her nasty little face.
but i'm trying very hard to recall the words of gandhi: "nonviolence is the highest law"
and it can become my mantra
like the girl who kept calling herself a hot tamale in order to get over the guy breaking up with her.
nonviolence is the highest law
and love.
true love.
TRUE LOVE.
loving those who love you is easy
and loving those you love is easy
but loving the ones you hate
and loving the ones you distrust
is true love TRUE love and without that what is a person named cecilia berry but another shittalker in the library talking to random people going "i bet you don't even know who the greatful dead is"
and what would that get me?
so you get your Phd, how happy you will be when you get a job at wendys and are honored with employee of the month.
i'm just a fucking file cabinet
and i'm hating it.
because i'm in a world of balloons and they don't even compliment my color.
and i could scream obscenities.
or i could just ignore the fact that i feel like shit, get over it and do my work
and be all that i can be
in the army

i'm totally going to knit a rabbit.
just you wait.
and for the moment, i'm feeling so bored.

and we can gaze at eachother from each end of the bed.
with our legs crossed speaking of useless things.
I can speak with hands as well as you.
Then we can giggle as if we were three again.
I feel something coming in my stomach but then i remember its just the butterflies nesting inside.
I feel as if I could open my mouth and pull them from within my throat.
I would keep them in my hand and blow them at you.
but if they were dead that would be by very very disgusting.
_____________________________________________-

fucking carla
is insane
and
that is why i want some fucking pills!!!
ahahhahaHHAHAHAHa

the past 4 months
i fucking hate myself...
i hate everything...
i havent wrote in so long...
but heres my fucking update...
in july i moved in with remo...
i left san jose to be with me love...
everything was great...
in august we went to canada....
i didnt know but i guess i got pregnant there...
2 days before my birthday i found out..
it was a big surprise but i think it was a good one...
remo was drunk when we found out...
but when he heard he was really happy...
i guess i was too...
as time went on i got more and more excited...
i was just past 3 months...i figured i was on the safe side...
but when we went in for our first ultrasound the doc didnt see my babies heartbeat...
it was determined that i had a molar pregnancy...
and since then ive had 2 surgeries and now im taking chemo therapy to get rid of the rest of the cancer that is in my uterus...
im do fucking depressed...
theres not a day that i dont think about killing myself...
i thought i would get a kitty to help my depression... it did for a while ...
but then me and remo had to live in our car for a while so i let my friend hold on to my kitty until we had a stable home.
then when we did he got too attached to the kitty to want to give her back...
so i was forced to get another kitty...
but its a stupid bitch ass kitty that i hate
i just want a baby now...
ever since this shit has happened its pretty much all i think about everyday...
i should still be pregnant right now.
me and remo should be getting ready for our little one to be coming...
but were not...
were both just sitting here hurting too much inside and we dont really talk about it...
were just two depressed people who have been fighting alot more because of the fact that were unhappy.
i love him so much and i know that he loves me..
i want to get married and he does too...
but we have no money.
and for that matter if we have to money to get married than how can we have a baby?
we can do it. i know we can.
i dont think i will stop hurting until i have what i want.
i wish remo would tell me how he feels about this whole thing.
but he thinks he has to be strong for me.
but he doesnt realise that thats the worst thing he could do..
i need to know that im not going through this alone.
i know were pretty young and too young to have a baby...
but when i was pregnant i knew that i would be the best mom.
and i knew remo would be a great dad.
i just wish i could be that happy again.
i used to go to church all the time and pray for lots of stuff.
and now i cant step foot in a church..
i dont think god is real..
i dont think i ever believed in god.
but i knew that it helped me to pray.
but for something like this.
praying is a bunch of bullshit.
because im not a bad person..
im a good person...
so why the fuck did this happen to me?
why?
i feel like i cant live another day.
i have to go to the hospital atleast 2 times a week.
to get poked each time.
i fucking hate it.
i dont ever want to step foot in a hospital again. but i know that i have to.
everytime i go..i want to cry.
i just want things to go back to normal and i want to be preparing to have a baby.
thats all i want.
_______________________________________________________

god, i don't know what to do when it's real like this.
when this is what is going on.
and i just want my sister to be happy.
my brother to be happy.
my family to be happy.
and i almost feel guilty for even having a good time.
i miss the easy times.
i wish our easy times were sychronized.
i wish i were....asleep.
i don't want to write simone a sonnet
so i guess i'll just go to sleep
and wake up extra early, like 3 or 4
to write her a sonnet
about...something.


i'm thinking about kj.
he's golden.
and his eyes are blue.
and his words are honest.
and his soul is shining like...something radioactive.
and when i see him smile i am smiling.
and when i see him happy i am happy.
and when i see him unhappy i'd do anything to make him happy...

i forgot i'm supposed to be thinking about victoria.
since i'm jesus and all, i might as well make her wishes come true.
i've thought about it before,
i'd totally be a serrogate mother if they wanted me to.
doubt they would, but the offer is on the table.

i feel bad because i Know that i am going to have a baby one day on accident, and it'll be completely healthy except for the fact that i'll abort it.
and i'll just feel like shit because the ones i love that truly want a baby won't be able to have one.
yet if they do, we will love that kid so much.
i imagine it to be a girl.
miracle.
madison mckenzie.
and victoria was supposed to be due around May.
and i just feel like crap for her.
and for myself too, because i'd be lying if i said i never wanted them to have a kid.
i wanted to have a little vico crying and screaming so i could occasionally make bottles and walk around with a baby on my shoulder, maybe get over my fear of little humans. and it sucks that that won't happen.
at least not until...
i don't know.

it's sleep time.

man oh man
i feel...good.
i just wrote a shitload of rambles in the brambles about kenneth james.
i had a dream about ro last night
i do declare, i wonder how her date-thing with the grandmas went.
and uh...
i watched the lion king this morning
and i learned some japanese
and i decided not to go swimming after all

and i'm quite content.
because this guy is...
okay i'm gonna do the line from the movie
and you complete me!

FUCK!!
so we're watching south park
which rocks
but i'm going
ohhhhhhhhhhhh i want some coricidin!!!!!!!!!
and i call carla and SHE's fucked up on coricidin
and i go NOT FAIR
and i have to make remo draw me a picture of lito
dammmmmmmmmit.

i'm thinking...
ixnay on the upidstay ecisionday otay opstay okingsmay.
and also, i've come to a brilliant conclusion
on light beer:
here it is::::::
light beer tastes like nothing.
it tastes very much like nothing.
and you tell yourself i want my carbs dammit!
but then, you find that since it doesn't taste like anything, you must drink it quickly
then you're drunk
rambling incoherently on elftown.
YAY FOR BEER!!

okay so
i'm stuck in library aiding for like 2 hours. and there's nothing for me to do because i'm in the career center. so i'm reading all these facts on alcohol, tobacco and drug use. and i decide that i will not tell ryan in the interview thingie about the cough medicine because then our small school will know about it, and you know i still want to do that shit.
then again, i do want people to know that that shit fucks you up
but i'd like to get fucked up, more importantly. like asap.
which means that when i get home instead of going to sleep i will probably take some nyquil.
ridiculous, right?

so earlier me and kj are walking around, and he takes my santa hat, and my hairs are sticking out all over the place off my head, right? and we walk up to the fuckin door and i see our reflection and it's like the best thing ever since ever.
which is marvelous.

and by the way, i decided to "quit smoking". today, january 18, 2006. i can't smoke again for at least a few weeks because i've been smoking every day, several times a day, since fuckin....too long. so basically i'm going to stop smoking and i'm going to be horribly bitchy but i'm going to have to deal with it or else deal with nasty teeth.
and cecilia berry can't handle nasty teeth.

anyway
i'm thinking about....looking up on something fascinating because this place is really really fucking boring.
and why not look up on drugs!?
i love drugs.

i so love the contradiction hate the contradiction can't stand the contradiction want to take the coricidin and call it macaroni contradiction. that's cecilia berry who stuck her thumb in a pie and pulled out a plum and i think i'm dumb! hey hey hey hey hey! talk about a hole in one! so come on down and buy our car. the best thing since sliced bread! it works! I-T works! institute of my ass. all i know is that the muffin man was never my best friend. and fuck being awake.

ok so i got sidetracked and started reading about these people losing their virginity.
and i remembered that yeah, that first sexual experience with that hot fucker in the back of his car hurt at first.
and that sucked.
but that got better.
i think that's because i was drunk.
i wish i were drunk now.

i got this horrible idea okay?
maybe its from reading all these forums, but i'm really Really wanting to drink these 17 ml of nyquil. which is fucking stupid and i know it. it's more stupid than my genius idea of trying to lift the weights outside that mark was lifting. so that's 9500 mgs of acetaminophin. i think the highest recomended dosage any (ab)user would say is 4000 mgs. acetemenophen overdose could mean: serious liver damage, bloody stools, and serious death. (presumably serious). i know that but i don't feel it.
and then there's 118.75 mgs of doxlamin succanate. i don't even know what that IS, but i figure 1120mgs of it cant be genius.
then my favorite ingredient, dextromethorphan hbp. there's only 375mgs. which is equivalent to about 12.6 coricidin pills. which could fuck me up a little bit, but will be nothing but a shadow behind the horrible pain i'll bear from the acetaminophin. or the horrible death, whatever comes.
i used to have that stopping me, that my neices would know after all that i'm a fuck up. but... they know that and they're already on their way to fuck-up-ism, alysson at least. 11 years old and stuck on beer. when i was eleven i didn't know what pot was, let alone identify the smell of it. i mean, i didn't figure out pot until i was at least 13, probably 14! then again, who helped raise her?
i've been fucked up on dex around her.
<drug addict!>
i fucking hate myself, see?
i take drugs in front of my 11 year old neice.
and i do all the math that says i know just how harmful this cherry flavored shit is...
yet i know i'm going to drink it.
and all this is kind of like a .... pep rally for my insides. okay kids! this will rock! on the count of three!! wahoo!! poison time bitch!
but as long as i keep writing...i don't have time to drink anything.
but... fucking

...
fuck that shit.
cecilia berry you do not need aceteminophin.
that's ridiculous
aceteminophin is a fucking pain reliever
it's fucking aspirin.
it's bad for you in high doses, kid
it's a TERRIBLY STUPID idea.
fuck i already put that shit away and said fuck the nyquil idea twice, but it's back in my pocket isn't it?
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!

okay
i'm fine
i just hate mathematics
and quantum mechanics
and birds that don't know how to fly

i am going to rewrite the song because of you by kelly clarkson.
except it will rock.
like
becuase of you i got all kinds of stds
because of you i wash my dick but it still stinks
because of you i got crabs and
ohhhh...kay
no more
i can't do it like mark does it
but it WILL rock and i'll sing it every day during chorus
muahahhah!!!!!........
that's bullshit.

oh fucking hell
i found this crazy forum thing
and it's uh...helpingteens.org
i found it because i was looking up...coricidin and long term effects and stuff about liver damage or whatever
and i'm reading all these stupid kids saying shit with this horrible inability to spell.
and they're going:
coricidins my favrite and every body whos says its fucking kills you there just stupid peopl anyway ~~~ love ana
and shit like that.
fuck

here you go, straight from some stupid girl that thinks she's the smartest person since einstien.
GOD... Ok the people who almost die or do die took and ubserd amount od DXM and there unbelievably stupid for taking that much ... i look up dxm every chance i get to see if theres new researchs on it and people who die from it are the people who cant control them selfs when there high .... or are addicted to it and took like 90 pills ... yes theres a risk of ur liver and kidneys but same goes with weed alchol or to much of anything ... suck as water that can also kill you ... yes i understand ur concern and thank you for it ... i did watch 20/20 but remmeber they said he was trippin he passed out and wha not thas bc he was SOOOOOOOOOOO NERVIS infront of them cops or didnt kno wha to do so his body shut down plus hes the dork who took 90 pills UR HOLE STOMACH has to b filld with lil red pills ugh jus thinking about it makes me wana throw up MUAHZ CHICKA ... and i understand where ur coming from jus control urintake and everythign should b good
PS i went to the hospital too but thas bc i did it iin school and got caught and my heart was goin to fast but nothing happend and im healther then ever !!! MUAHZZZZZZZ OPOS gota go bell rang later!! <3 always Me... :o)~

It is better to remain silent and look like a fool, than to speak up and prove it.
-Unknown

i don't know.
i don't think i'm very healthy inside anymore.
mr-i-smoke-too-much
mr-take-15-pills-every-day-for-a-week
why don't you stop drinking and smoking and fucking around with drugs and maybe you could go for a day without feeling nauseous.
without having horrible stomach pains. not oh my tummy hurts. more like god i feel like my stomach is about to explode and i kind of hope it does so at least the pain will end.
it's not that bad.
i'm fine, i mean, as long as i just.......
fucking nobody needs to hear this shit.
cecilia berry don't drink the aceteminophin just because there's dextromethorphan in it. it won't even hit you. not one bit.
that's a waste of time.
and it will fuck you up even more.
and it is just a generally bad idea.
very
bad.