i feel like in my life
it's always giving something up
but everything is equally important
but i have to do something
and i make the wrong decisions
and i don't turn things in on time
and i waste all my time
and i kind of hate myself
but i know i shouldn't think like that
becuase fuck! my dad's still alive
and think about the chances of that!
and there he is walking around
and so what he has to give himself shots every day in the stomach!
what's cool is that i get to watch him.

i feel like everything is important to me
and i feel like woah what does that mean
so i says to myself
the ongoing Wow is happening right Now.

and it makes a shitload of sense
and no more cigarettes
we don't want another pulmonary embolism

that's good anyway, cigarettes also make your psoriasis worse.
and nasty teeth
bleck.


i wish things made more sense

monday appointment
for the deringwormification

and now here i am to say!
I LOVE THIS WHOLE THING!
like i love the whole everything
i want to throw my head back and howl at the moon!
and my dad's getting out the hospital.
and i'm gonna eat some bacon
and that's the news of the day
but i still have ringworm
:(   boo.

cecilia berry, full of complaints.
sometimes i just want to wring your neck.
and oh oh oh i mean it.
sometimes i wish i had the ability to wipe cecilia berry out of the books the box the minds the face of the planet.
that! is what i want to do!
obviously!

that or some mushrooms.
i mean
me + drugs= a very happy girl

then again
ahahaahahha!!!fucking at that nasty roachy motel, the economy inn, when mark puked in the shower, and when remo was only one person, and when victoria was a cowgirl that lived in her purse! i was on drugs then right? yet i was very very unhappy, and i was saying i wanted to kill everyone and i was saying charlotte was my only friend!
silly girl!
silly world!
what a contradiction!
mary mary quite contrary how does your garden grow! with silver bells and cockle shells and pretty maids all in a row.
so my mom used to always say i should have named you mary!
and i say don't you know that song was about queen mary and it was all about death death death!
and i whisper, silly girl don't you know what You're about?

and i surrender.
you're right.
i have no idea what i am talking about.
and i have no idea what i am about.
and i hate when other people say they do.
and i hate when sean broke my heart, broke my spirit by hitting the nail on the head.
(the first nail that stands is the first to be struck)
except here it's laying down
because you can't lay down on school property
HORSE SHIT!
and what do we even care?
i wish i could explain mySELF. i'm sick of hearing other people explain me.
i'm so FUCKING...weak.

And I say to myself Yes you have a good life you selfish bastard! How dare you put up your foul little complaints! You’re not even worth complaining! And I mean it. Like…it’s pity, you know? That’s why people do that shit. You don’t just casually mention something unless you want some pity for it, some kind of reaction.
So part of my says Cecilia you fool, of course not. Sometimes you just have to let things out.
And I scream what things!? No things. And I say fuck that. Fuck that fuck that, and it’s like I’m whispering to myself and shaking my head. Crazy, we like to call it. But guess who says I’m not crazy? I mean, it’s their job right?
So I says to myself silly girl you were in counseling for like 2 weeks, and you never opened your mouth to those counselors. And everything you did say was a lie. Ever done drugs? Nope. Did you have a good childhood? Spectacular!
You can’t say you can’t remember because then there’s something wrong. And what are these if not memories. If not things you saw on home videos.
I’m confused. Very confused.
And I’m wondering who is more important.
And my stomach is hurting again.
And I really really wish I could inject myself with pep. I wasn’t kidding about that one.
Today is Friday.
Today remo and Victoria are going to san jose. Today they will get some things from Carla for me. Tomorrow I will know whether she’s the best friend of the century or just a girl who’s giving me stuff. And I’m not even sure which of those makes it true. If she gives me coricidin does that make her a girl that’s giving me drugs? Or does that make her my best friend. Consider, she has arthritis in her chest. Consider, she has pleurisy. Consider, she knows what that shit does to you. Consider how much I want it. Then on the other hand, if she only gives me nice presents, does that make her a good friend? Because she’s Not giving me the opportunity to poison myself.
And I say to myself I say who fucking cares, as long as I have those pills!
Saying to myself you Stupid idiot! And here you are talking about that shit when what right do you have? Just a girl in the world that’s all that you’ll let me be. Doo doo do do do doo dooo doo and I say why the Fuck does my stomach hurt so bad
And I feel like the stupidest girl in the world
You’re still talking about that shit
And I say and so are you!
There’s no difference
I thought everything changed, but nothing changed.
Bush is still president I’m still wanting drugs, I’m still alone and I’m still talking shit to myself!
What did that change exactly?
Should I change my clothes? A tire on my bike?
I says to myself I don’t even have a bike!

It’s back to this whole library aiding thing. Why does it seem like every day is the same thing if every day is not the same. When it’s different. When yesterday was rainy and today is sunny. And every day is the same thing. Which is hard to prove. So what I was supposed to write that essay and I got drunk instead. So what if I’m supposed to go home, but I’m going to go to the play instead. That’s bad. I shouldn’t do that. We’re talking about seeing my dad in the hospital. We’re talking about getting some help for fucking ringworm. And she knows what’s up. She said I think seeing your dad in the hospital and you going to the hospital for ringworm is more important than extra credit. She said go tell Mr. Chollet that look, my dad’s in the hospital I didn’t really have time, I’ll have it by Monday. Just to express that you’re working on it. And I say I should. And I know I won’t. and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, and that makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with you. And that makes it hard for me to understand completely what I’m talking about. But I know I’m not going to act on it anyway. I’m just wasting time. I love to waste time.

i have a good life.
i read the things i've said
we may be in the life but we aint shit
but it's not helping.
i agree.
i just don't feel it.
i feel like sobbing.
and fucking scratching the hell out of my boob
with ringworm on it.

i'm wondering Why.
i try to be nice
maybe i'm not trying hard enough?
Carla was right. and her teacher. but it's not fair. it's boring!
it's wretched.
and it all goes on at once.
and i hate today.

it's a pretty day.
it's a lovely day.
the air is a nice temperature.
the rain is very pretty.
it makes me want to eat some chicken soup!
i'm still not happy.
how long until i'm happy?
i hate being unhappy.


i'm trying to shut up

i forgot about the fact that i still have to write an essay for mr. chollet. several pages too much for me.
i want to go home.
i want to go to the hospital.
i have ringworm
i feel like a mutt
i feel like an orphan
i feel like lost
i feel like shit
and i'm not about to waste my time on a fucking essay for mr chollet. i'm...lost in emotions.
i'm fucking Always lost in emotion. good or bad
i don't have time to live
because i'm stuck on my feelings
which are always changing
so who could hang a name on this?
and i'm just wanting to scream
i know i did when i was drunk, apparently
but
it's still there
clawing away at my insides
going FUUUUUCK!
but forever.
and i can't write about sonnets right now.

fuck chardonay
i feel like vomiting.
i want to die.
i am shaking.
i am breaking.
and i can't stand to look at it.
and i can't stand it
i need to be outside
in the fresh air, breathing.

so jared had a dream where his ex girlfriend was a duck and she came over with 15 eggs. what the Fuck is going on in his whackass head?
oh dude i am having a time
and i only wish i had a handsome white boy, playing guitar in the background.
and i goes
please do not tire
and i goes
please do not die
and i goes
father, you're such a kickass mofo. FUCK THOSE CLOTS!!
when they told us that he had clots, the doc left and we were just sitting there in silence, because we know it could kill him
and i say "CLOT MAN!! I HAVE A CLOT IN MY LUNG CUZ I'M CLOTMAN!" but like in a superman kind of tune
and my dad laughed.
and i was happy.

and mark says out of the blue...
"you ever had a beanwich?"

oh FUCK FUCK FUCK!!
i am SO FUCKED UP
it is the greatest thing since pie.
vicodin is spelled Vico.
fuck!
ahhaha
so........le victoria has returned
und remo
and she has bestowed upon us the lovely gift of vicodin
so i have taken two, as have mark and jared
in addition we have the miller
and the smirnoff
and the 211
so
i'm fucked up
after 2 pills
2 beers
fucked up
i fuckin love it

rawr!!!!!

i'm wearing doctor gloves right?
and it's nothing like the fuckin movies
where the guy is the protagonist
and there's a damsel in distress
no siree
it's more like the cartoons
where the guy is turning red and steam comes out of his ears
which is of course the meaning of life
ITS GENIUS!!!!
and then they all aplaud
while i say "america is addicted to oil!"
ahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH like spongebob bitch!!

i just feel like being really loud
which is hard when you're stuck on keyboards
and i'm wearing doctor gloves
my dear doctor gloves
i do declare! i can float in the air!
and with some love from above
and fuckin robin williams saying "Beeee yourself!"
and it's the greatest thing in all of america
to cecilia berry
who's a fuckin nutcase
who fuckin loves her boyfriend even though she's going oh my i hope he never leaves me.
oh my i hope he never leaves me
then it's fuckin dorothy gale! lions and tigers and bears!
that girl, jessica gale, she totally reminds me of wizard of oz, even though she's just some mentally retarded whackass from my chorus class
and fuck mr sausage fingers!
but we love saladfingers
which is why the world is such a stupid contradiction!
love the warrior hate the war!
and i says to myself, don't you want to read the amber spyglass again!? and i says to myself hells yeah i'm buskin wilson
and i remember that buskin wilson was pretty damn ugly
but damn he could ride a bull!!!

my dad is in the hospital
for lung blood clots
because he tried to put on his seat belt last week
but at least they won't jab him, they said.
but this is not just one blood clot like last time. this is multiple. my mom says three. but the doctor said there's a whole bunch. using doctor terms obviously, "a whole bunch".
and i just got home at 6:42.
and he's in the ICU
and he's spending the night at sutter before he's getting tansfered to kaiser
and you walk in the door and find the place a shambles. and the couch is moved and the table is moved and there are bootprints from the ambulence people
and that is the story
of january 31st in the Berry family.

and remo and victoria will be here soon.
and i await their arrival
and i do declare
i will twiddle my thumbs

my dad is in the hospital
for lung blood clots
because he tried to put on his seat belt last week
but at least they won't jab him, they said.
but this is not just one blood clot like last time. this is multiple. my mom says three. but the doctor said there's a whole bunch. using doctor terms obviously, "a whole bunch".
and i just got home at 6:42.
and he's in the ICU
and he's spending the night at sutter before he's getting tansfered to kaiser
and you walk in the door and find the place a shambles. and the couch is moved and the table is moved and there are bootprints from the ambulence people
and that is the story
of january 31st in the Berry family.

and remo and victoria will be here soon.
and i await their arrival
and i do declare
i will twiddle my thumbs

and it's funny because i have two choices here. if i were computer-handy i'd draw a picture of it and paste it in here. it's a road. a crossroads. the devils crossroads. a fork stuck in the road. with signs. left. right.
i can feel down, i can feel lonely, i can feel empty, i can feel worthless. i can feel pointless, i can feel like i'm a waste of space. a waste of time. i waste of everyone else's time. or i can grin and go WE MAY BE IN THE LIFE BUT WE AINT SHIT! yeah yeah yeah! you know that we aint shit.
because if i'm pointless then so is the sunset.
if i'm pointless than so are cowboys!
and even if we're pointless, there's no reason for us to disapear!
there's no reason to feel bad about it.
so i can say oh dear me, life sucks and we have an idiot for a president and i hate huell howser and i hate this and i hate that guy for acting like that and i hate this girl for acting like this and i wish i could do something of importance, i can say muahhhahahaahahha skumdiddlywa!
i mean, if i really want to.
but i really do hate that huell howser. and i life really does suck. and we do have an idiot for a president.
but you know, rome wasn't built in a day!
HAHAHHAHHA!~!!
love how irrelevent that is.
i wanna be a star.
bitch
i wanna be the bomb
i wanna be the bees kness
the cats pajamas
i wanna be zen
i wanna be a carnivore
i wanna be a vegetable
i wanna be the coolest cat since king kong
and i wanna do it by friday.
so i says to myself i says
fuckin cecilia you're a star!
and you're the bomb

i may not look it but i'm always serious. serious comes in different forms. Seriously smiling. Seriously crying. seriously grinning. seriously, genuinely, i-mean-it looking into your eyes.
but what do you do when you can't figure it out.
when you add 1 + 1 and you get 1 or sometimes 3?
how hard is it, the dialectics?
tomorrow is the first day of February 2006. No other day is the first day of February 2006
February first sounds like a good day to break some resolutions.
and here i am sitting and thinking about this while somewhere someone is staring thoughtfully at a piece of toast.
not like the truth really matters. we can stretch it far as the fucking mountain tops and the canyons. and we will if we can. and we can and we will. and i can. and i will.
and i'm buskin wilson i ride bulls hells yeah.
and by that i mean i won't compromise my ideals for anyone else.
when you reach a certain point there's no turning back and there's no way you can possibly be the same again.
and i wonder i say to myself when did i change? transfrom. crhysalis. and i say to myself i'm a confused girl. and i feel rejected which is beyond stupid because it's a mood. moods change. everything changes. what's wrong with a caterpiller? why does it have to go and change into a butterfly? just today mr chollet said Things are changing. right here in a notebook, right underneath the part about movies being the new poetry. Things are Changing.
rawr i say to myself
why do they have to go and do that once i start to get used to it?
and i says, well cecilia it's just more proof that life is inconstant. and what would life be if it were constant? not life, that's for sure. like on the end of hitchikers guide to the galaxy everything is the same and suddenly it is moving. changing. that's it. a raging river with calm pools that will lead to rapids soon. sooner than you think.
and there's nothing I can do about it.
i can just take it and have pleasent memories and a pleasent present. which rhymes.
and so i take on the role of Cecilia Roseanne Berry.

and i wish i knew how to handle everything
and i wish i could Get a Grip
this is ridiclous. absurd.
and i'll never amount to anything.

we may be in the life but we aint shit.

i shall name him dandylion
and i will not smash him with the bible

so there's this thing on my wrist.
and we call it a ganglion. and in order for it to shrink and go away, i must stop using my wrist so much.
which means i won't finish my doll for vicky :(
and what it is basically, is this sac of fluid from my joints or something
but it is so fun to poke!
and aside from just chilling with the knitting, i have to massage it gently and kiss it good night.
it's so disgusting to touch!
i can't wait to show my love nacho!
anyway
its gross
the end

my dog is so fucking vicious.
seriously, you look at my crazy white janis joplin chiuahuah and you think vicious!
it's terrifying to have a dog like that around!