dang i'm sick
i got the chills
i got the sore throat
i mostly got the chills.
fuck chills.
FUCK CHILLS!
you know what chills reminds me of?
thrills and chills!
fucking chollet, right!
fucking Coricidin Cough and Cold HBP status right there.
i have a cold
i have a cough
*cough cough*
i have the chills
i feel like...
some coricidin!!!!
and i hear in my head
papa smurf could i lick your ass! yeah lick my ass bitch
and i'm laughing and laughing
and i says to myself
you're going to the mental institution

i just got home
i'm on the scholars honor roll with a whole bunch of other people that aren't likely to amount to anything.
a grade is just a grade, it doesn't mean you learned anything.
maybe that's the difference.
i feel less sick than i was during school.
Much less pissed off.
i'm just a nutcase!
i'm just a teenage dirtbag!
but who cares?
i'm so excited!
and i'm so happy!
and i'm watching seinfeld, a rerun i've seen run and run and rurunned.
i gotta paint my nails.
boy oh boy
the end.

am i just a fucking nutcase?
well yes if you're going to act like one.
well who listens when i try to do it their way
silly girl you never try to do it their way
so you're saying i'm wrong
so i'm saying it's all wrong and right and left and right and basically it doesn't make a blip of difference.
so it's all about the conduct? but how do people get their attention? you're supposed to talk politely. nod your head. cock your head respectfully, all that jazz?
well you can't exactly go around screaming, because people don't pay attention to what you have to say, only that you're acting out.
but GODS! what are we supposed to do if we don't act out! how am i supposed to...
you don't care! GOD! you don't fucking care! i dont fucking care!
that is a very big lie cecilia.
you care a shitload.
of course i care! it's....life! this is people Learning in School that it's okay to be punished for other people's mistakes. This is the new generation learning from Teachers that it's okay to be forced out of somewhere comfortable just because They Said So. they put up their little signs and they sent out their little patrols
i say to myself ceci!! can't you see!? those bastards DO leave a big mess and they ARE obnoxious and loud!
and i say yes, of course, but why does that take MY right to sit in the hallway away!?
So yes the people in chorus don't pay attention and maybe their right to an extracurricular class such as that should be taken away, but maybe I'd like to learn about it!
it's just not Fair to the little guy.
it's just not fair to everyone.
and that just proves to me that nothing is fair.
and everything flies through my head
blood clots
drugs
molar pregnancies
truth!
you can seriously eat morels. i'm not just making shit up.
then there's raul duke dancing with the flag on the beach
Not. Fair.
and of course it riles me up. i mean, i definately broke out at the wrong moment at the wrong people in the wrong situation for the wrong reasons.
but in whole, it's true.
and it's how i feel.
and i'm sick of feeling like that.
because NO ONE ELSE CARES!!
they fucking get over it
i don't know why life is like that.

why don't i care enough to get a scholarship
why am i so...pissed off?
i don't know why i can't get over it.
why can't i just...
maybe i'm just pissed off because i have ringworm
maybe i'm just an angry person.
maybe i have a serious problem and i have to go to anger management.
then there's marks voice in my head THEY CREATED ANGER MANAGEMENT!
because aren't we supposed to get angry?
i sense closure.
i'm not sure if i mean the end or just a cage.
i don't care.
i've just had enough of False freedom.
I've had enough of the bullshit.
why can't they just be honest.
why can't everyone be honest???
i try to be honest but i get in trouble for it right?
honestly honest?
the real bitter honest in the movies the climax moment where they scream their true feelings?
i feel like that every fucking day
but i can't do it
social norms, you know?
i fucking hate it.
and i hate that no one else hates it
and i hate that those who do hate it can handle it and keep calm.
and they can keep their heads
and they don't blow up for no reason.
and so i feel...left out.
i feel...like nobody cares.
and i feel like crying for everyone else.
but on the other hand i would never put this on them. this fucking...whatever i am.
caring about stupid shit.
trying to be real all the time.
i'd never wish that on anyone because it's so...lonely.
who knows what they care about.
i wish i could blend.
cross out cc berry.

it doesn't matter.
i'm not intelligent.
just...angry.

i whisper, almost surrendering, but i'm not angry. it's because i love the world so much that i dont want to go down without a fight. and it's a fight for my right to sit in the hallway!
FUCKING IT'S JUST A HALLWAY!!!
i feel like they're stupid
like the whole idea is stupid.
like going out to go to the bathroom, and getting all the trash and spreading it through the hallway.

but...where would that get me?
in detention, probably.
is it just?
fair?
of course not, but it would be hilarious. it would be a fantastic In Your Face.
but it doesn't get me anywhere...
nothing can get me anywhere, i'm made of lead!

why can't i just surrender. well, it's a just punishment. they fucked up the halls, they have to deal with it.

then why do they complain if they aren't about to do anything about it?
i'm just a fool.


i miss carla.
her english teacher said she should write a book.
i agree.
she also said i should write a book
that's kind of odd since i've never even met this teacher.
carla says she feels like the fat kid that runs after the bus. that makes me feel bad for her. i wish i were running along with her.
i wish i were with her now.
her crazy antics
my crazy antics
monkey in a cage
wearing a fucking ballerina dress
and with the sniffles!
i'm just....a girl in the world.
and i'm missing my buddy, and i can't wait to see her again so we can drink and we can run and we can climb the hills together. but..even carla's not the same anymore.
she has pleurisy
she's stopped taking coricidin
i want someone else just like me, my twin sister, to do what we want to do and get caught up in our truths.
our stupid truths.
those truths that make no sense
well i'm not an elephant am i?
truth- water is love.
truth- i am zen
truth- wonder is mine
and they are of course not truths.
check the critera.
Zero.
but who cares?
not my twin sister!
carla understands, but...we can't add to it. no more pills. no more outbursts. yeah right.
if i were in a mental institution they'd have sedated me and put me in isolation.
thank god i'm only free!
all mr grey said was what was that all about. and i was all emotioned out and i said i'm just sick of all the bullshit and he said what and i say we go to class at a specific time we can't go to the bathroom until 40 minutes go by and he tells me about his son having bladder problems and he says just talk about it. and i say right, i'm supposed to talk not scream.
and i repeat that to myself talk, don't scream
talk. don't scream.
talk.
don't scream.

if carla were here, she would say fuck it! scream ceci!
and i could say HELL YEAH!
and we could drink the bottle of brandy and get kicked out of the party.
fuck
i'm going back in time.

cecilia, you nut.

medicate me i mutter.
and i hand myself some pills.
there you go! medicated!
what are these?
who cares!
there i am fucked up in the backseat of the van. and who knows where we're going.
oh we're at dennys.
oh we're eating pancakes
oh we're getting kicked out.
oh god i'm drunk
then i'm on my bed and i'm saying to myself i love kj so much and i'm so sorry i'm so worthless and rude!
and then i'm crying because i Do want to amount to something. but i don't believe in myself.
and when i'm old, i'd rather think back well i had all that talent and i put it to waste! than think i tried my fucking hardest and i was a failure.
i'd rather be potential than a failure.
i'd rather be a waste than something that didn't work.
and that makes me feel very pathetic indeed.

and i hear kjs voice saying something about that's my problem and it's scribbled out because i'm trying to cross out the proof. it's like distorted, so i can't hear the meaning.
and i hear my dad laugh. Kill the bastards!
and it goes kill the pig! slit her throat! and mark Stick it like a wild boar.
and the canadian with the same tune on his acustic
and i say life.
ah, life!
you're so beautiful.
yet we try to control you so.
and we make it so ugly! with the order and the rules and the superiority. false superiority.
and i say cecilia you sure have big ideas.
and i say yep big ideas that will never change a thing.
because apparently...
i don't know
whatever.
i'm bored with being pissed off now.
uh i need to brush my hair!
it's so nasty! it's like blech!

i feel like a fool!
and i says to myself i says Cecilia, you are a fool! and you have every right to feel like one!
but i say to myself, oh the conduct!
oh the atrocity!
oh how inhumane!
and i says to myself, well cecilia is it humane? is Anything they do humane?
and does it make a difference
the criteia of truth
democracy
having to wait 40 minutes to go to the bathroom
go to class
time to eat
i just get really caught up in it.
REALLY caught up in it.
it doesn't even affect me.
but the way i look at it, how long before what i do care about is affected.
if i don't stand up for other problems, who will stand up for mine?
i don't know why i do this!
i don't know why i can't stand it!
why i scream and rant.
because like mr chollet says you can scream and scream but even if you're right they won't listen.
but the way i look at it, it's better than...it's better than just Sitting there! when you care!
obviously they care!
and it pisses me off!
and maybe i want to sit in the halls! at the very least have the Option!
the option that we abused by fouling it up right with our noise and lack of cleanliness!
and you call yourselves Punk Rock!
where is pennywise!
the days of stickin it to the man
maybe i'm just too far in my head.
maybe i'm a fucking romantic
and i'm way out there
and connecting things that aren't connected
and maybe life is good
and who needs to eat indoors anyway?

and i want SO bad, someone to tell me i'm wrong.
i want SO much.
i just want someone to say No, you're fucking Wrong. we're Supposed to sit outside it's RIGHT for them to do this.
because at least then i...won't feel like i have to do something.
and i hate when i do something.
because the something's i do are fucking stupid.
and then I feel stupid because i'm alone.
alone.
completely alone in a hallway eating an apple trying to stand up to mr haines with his sexy room while he handles a situtation
fucking ants bouncing anteneas off eachother
what RIGHT to I have to pretend that i have right?
stupid drug addict!
stupid fiend!
stupid girl who thinks she's right!
no.... i don't think i'm right
and i don't really think they're Wrong.
i see both sides i just think it's outrageous!
and so i feel outraged
and i act outraged
because there is something wrong with Me
and some glorious pennywise would do me good right now.
and i'm sick of being looked at like i'm crazy.
i'm sick of being regarded as a fool.
i'm sick of kicking cans and screaming though my throat is raw.
i'm sick of wondering what the hell.
what The HELL?
stupid stupid girl
but i says to myself that's history!

i feel like in my life
it's always giving something up
but everything is equally important
but i have to do something
and i make the wrong decisions
and i don't turn things in on time
and i waste all my time
and i kind of hate myself
but i know i shouldn't think like that
becuase fuck! my dad's still alive
and think about the chances of that!
and there he is walking around
and so what he has to give himself shots every day in the stomach!
what's cool is that i get to watch him.

i feel like everything is important to me
and i feel like woah what does that mean
so i says to myself
the ongoing Wow is happening right Now.

and it makes a shitload of sense
and no more cigarettes
we don't want another pulmonary embolism

that's good anyway, cigarettes also make your psoriasis worse.
and nasty teeth
bleck.


i wish things made more sense

monday appointment
for the deringwormification

and now here i am to say!
I LOVE THIS WHOLE THING!
like i love the whole everything
i want to throw my head back and howl at the moon!
and my dad's getting out the hospital.
and i'm gonna eat some bacon
and that's the news of the day
but i still have ringworm
:(   boo.

cecilia berry, full of complaints.
sometimes i just want to wring your neck.
and oh oh oh i mean it.
sometimes i wish i had the ability to wipe cecilia berry out of the books the box the minds the face of the planet.
that! is what i want to do!
obviously!

that or some mushrooms.
i mean
me + drugs= a very happy girl

then again
ahahaahahha!!!fucking at that nasty roachy motel, the economy inn, when mark puked in the shower, and when remo was only one person, and when victoria was a cowgirl that lived in her purse! i was on drugs then right? yet i was very very unhappy, and i was saying i wanted to kill everyone and i was saying charlotte was my only friend!
silly girl!
silly world!
what a contradiction!
mary mary quite contrary how does your garden grow! with silver bells and cockle shells and pretty maids all in a row.
so my mom used to always say i should have named you mary!
and i say don't you know that song was about queen mary and it was all about death death death!
and i whisper, silly girl don't you know what You're about?

and i surrender.
you're right.
i have no idea what i am talking about.
and i have no idea what i am about.
and i hate when other people say they do.
and i hate when sean broke my heart, broke my spirit by hitting the nail on the head.
(the first nail that stands is the first to be struck)
except here it's laying down
because you can't lay down on school property
HORSE SHIT!
and what do we even care?
i wish i could explain mySELF. i'm sick of hearing other people explain me.
i'm so FUCKING...weak.

And I say to myself Yes you have a good life you selfish bastard! How dare you put up your foul little complaints! You’re not even worth complaining! And I mean it. Like…it’s pity, you know? That’s why people do that shit. You don’t just casually mention something unless you want some pity for it, some kind of reaction.
So part of my says Cecilia you fool, of course not. Sometimes you just have to let things out.
And I scream what things!? No things. And I say fuck that. Fuck that fuck that, and it’s like I’m whispering to myself and shaking my head. Crazy, we like to call it. But guess who says I’m not crazy? I mean, it’s their job right?
So I says to myself silly girl you were in counseling for like 2 weeks, and you never opened your mouth to those counselors. And everything you did say was a lie. Ever done drugs? Nope. Did you have a good childhood? Spectacular!
You can’t say you can’t remember because then there’s something wrong. And what are these if not memories. If not things you saw on home videos.
I’m confused. Very confused.
And I’m wondering who is more important.
And my stomach is hurting again.
And I really really wish I could inject myself with pep. I wasn’t kidding about that one.
Today is Friday.
Today remo and Victoria are going to san jose. Today they will get some things from Carla for me. Tomorrow I will know whether she’s the best friend of the century or just a girl who’s giving me stuff. And I’m not even sure which of those makes it true. If she gives me coricidin does that make her a girl that’s giving me drugs? Or does that make her my best friend. Consider, she has arthritis in her chest. Consider, she has pleurisy. Consider, she knows what that shit does to you. Consider how much I want it. Then on the other hand, if she only gives me nice presents, does that make her a good friend? Because she’s Not giving me the opportunity to poison myself.
And I say to myself I say who fucking cares, as long as I have those pills!
Saying to myself you Stupid idiot! And here you are talking about that shit when what right do you have? Just a girl in the world that’s all that you’ll let me be. Doo doo do do do doo dooo doo and I say why the Fuck does my stomach hurt so bad
And I feel like the stupidest girl in the world
You’re still talking about that shit
And I say and so are you!
There’s no difference
I thought everything changed, but nothing changed.
Bush is still president I’m still wanting drugs, I’m still alone and I’m still talking shit to myself!
What did that change exactly?
Should I change my clothes? A tire on my bike?
I says to myself I don’t even have a bike!

It’s back to this whole library aiding thing. Why does it seem like every day is the same thing if every day is not the same. When it’s different. When yesterday was rainy and today is sunny. And every day is the same thing. Which is hard to prove. So what I was supposed to write that essay and I got drunk instead. So what if I’m supposed to go home, but I’m going to go to the play instead. That’s bad. I shouldn’t do that. We’re talking about seeing my dad in the hospital. We’re talking about getting some help for fucking ringworm. And she knows what’s up. She said I think seeing your dad in the hospital and you going to the hospital for ringworm is more important than extra credit. She said go tell Mr. Chollet that look, my dad’s in the hospital I didn’t really have time, I’ll have it by Monday. Just to express that you’re working on it. And I say I should. And I know I won’t. and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, and that makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with you. And that makes it hard for me to understand completely what I’m talking about. But I know I’m not going to act on it anyway. I’m just wasting time. I love to waste time.

i have a good life.
i read the things i've said
we may be in the life but we aint shit
but it's not helping.
i agree.
i just don't feel it.
i feel like sobbing.
and fucking scratching the hell out of my boob
with ringworm on it.

i'm wondering Why.
i try to be nice
maybe i'm not trying hard enough?
Carla was right. and her teacher. but it's not fair. it's boring!
it's wretched.
and it all goes on at once.
and i hate today.

it's a pretty day.
it's a lovely day.
the air is a nice temperature.
the rain is very pretty.
it makes me want to eat some chicken soup!
i'm still not happy.
how long until i'm happy?
i hate being unhappy.


i'm trying to shut up

i forgot about the fact that i still have to write an essay for mr. chollet. several pages too much for me.
i want to go home.
i want to go to the hospital.
i have ringworm
i feel like a mutt
i feel like an orphan
i feel like lost
i feel like shit
and i'm not about to waste my time on a fucking essay for mr chollet. i'm...lost in emotions.
i'm fucking Always lost in emotion. good or bad
i don't have time to live
because i'm stuck on my feelings
which are always changing
so who could hang a name on this?
and i'm just wanting to scream
i know i did when i was drunk, apparently
but
it's still there
clawing away at my insides
going FUUUUUCK!
but forever.
and i can't write about sonnets right now.

fuck chardonay
i feel like vomiting.
i want to die.
i am shaking.
i am breaking.
and i can't stand to look at it.
and i can't stand it
i need to be outside
in the fresh air, breathing.

so jared had a dream where his ex girlfriend was a duck and she came over with 15 eggs. what the Fuck is going on in his whackass head?
oh dude i am having a time
and i only wish i had a handsome white boy, playing guitar in the background.
and i goes
please do not tire
and i goes
please do not die
and i goes
father, you're such a kickass mofo. FUCK THOSE CLOTS!!
when they told us that he had clots, the doc left and we were just sitting there in silence, because we know it could kill him
and i say "CLOT MAN!! I HAVE A CLOT IN MY LUNG CUZ I'M CLOTMAN!" but like in a superman kind of tune
and my dad laughed.
and i was happy.

and mark says out of the blue...
"you ever had a beanwich?"

oh FUCK FUCK FUCK!!
i am SO FUCKED UP
it is the greatest thing since pie.
vicodin is spelled Vico.
fuck!
ahhaha
so........le victoria has returned
und remo
and she has bestowed upon us the lovely gift of vicodin
so i have taken two, as have mark and jared
in addition we have the miller
and the smirnoff
and the 211
so
i'm fucked up
after 2 pills
2 beers
fucked up
i fuckin love it

rawr!!!!!

i'm wearing doctor gloves right?
and it's nothing like the fuckin movies
where the guy is the protagonist
and there's a damsel in distress
no siree
it's more like the cartoons
where the guy is turning red and steam comes out of his ears
which is of course the meaning of life
ITS GENIUS!!!!
and then they all aplaud
while i say "america is addicted to oil!"
ahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH like spongebob bitch!!

i just feel like being really loud
which is hard when you're stuck on keyboards
and i'm wearing doctor gloves
my dear doctor gloves
i do declare! i can float in the air!
and with some love from above
and fuckin robin williams saying "Beeee yourself!"
and it's the greatest thing in all of america
to cecilia berry
who's a fuckin nutcase
who fuckin loves her boyfriend even though she's going oh my i hope he never leaves me.
oh my i hope he never leaves me
then it's fuckin dorothy gale! lions and tigers and bears!
that girl, jessica gale, she totally reminds me of wizard of oz, even though she's just some mentally retarded whackass from my chorus class
and fuck mr sausage fingers!
but we love saladfingers
which is why the world is such a stupid contradiction!
love the warrior hate the war!
and i says to myself, don't you want to read the amber spyglass again!? and i says to myself hells yeah i'm buskin wilson
and i remember that buskin wilson was pretty damn ugly
but damn he could ride a bull!!!

my dad is in the hospital
for lung blood clots
because he tried to put on his seat belt last week
but at least they won't jab him, they said.
but this is not just one blood clot like last time. this is multiple. my mom says three. but the doctor said there's a whole bunch. using doctor terms obviously, "a whole bunch".
and i just got home at 6:42.
and he's in the ICU
and he's spending the night at sutter before he's getting tansfered to kaiser
and you walk in the door and find the place a shambles. and the couch is moved and the table is moved and there are bootprints from the ambulence people
and that is the story
of january 31st in the Berry family.

and remo and victoria will be here soon.
and i await their arrival
and i do declare
i will twiddle my thumbs

my dad is in the hospital
for lung blood clots
because he tried to put on his seat belt last week
but at least they won't jab him, they said.
but this is not just one blood clot like last time. this is multiple. my mom says three. but the doctor said there's a whole bunch. using doctor terms obviously, "a whole bunch".
and i just got home at 6:42.
and he's in the ICU
and he's spending the night at sutter before he's getting tansfered to kaiser
and you walk in the door and find the place a shambles. and the couch is moved and the table is moved and there are bootprints from the ambulence people
and that is the story
of january 31st in the Berry family.

and remo and victoria will be here soon.
and i await their arrival
and i do declare
i will twiddle my thumbs

and it's funny because i have two choices here. if i were computer-handy i'd draw a picture of it and paste it in here. it's a road. a crossroads. the devils crossroads. a fork stuck in the road. with signs. left. right.
i can feel down, i can feel lonely, i can feel empty, i can feel worthless. i can feel pointless, i can feel like i'm a waste of space. a waste of time. i waste of everyone else's time. or i can grin and go WE MAY BE IN THE LIFE BUT WE AINT SHIT! yeah yeah yeah! you know that we aint shit.
because if i'm pointless then so is the sunset.
if i'm pointless than so are cowboys!
and even if we're pointless, there's no reason for us to disapear!
there's no reason to feel bad about it.
so i can say oh dear me, life sucks and we have an idiot for a president and i hate huell howser and i hate this and i hate that guy for acting like that and i hate this girl for acting like this and i wish i could do something of importance, i can say muahhhahahaahahha skumdiddlywa!
i mean, if i really want to.
but i really do hate that huell howser. and i life really does suck. and we do have an idiot for a president.
but you know, rome wasn't built in a day!
HAHAHHAHHA!~!!
love how irrelevent that is.
i wanna be a star.
bitch
i wanna be the bomb
i wanna be the bees kness
the cats pajamas
i wanna be zen
i wanna be a carnivore
i wanna be a vegetable
i wanna be the coolest cat since king kong
and i wanna do it by friday.
so i says to myself i says
fuckin cecilia you're a star!
and you're the bomb

i may not look it but i'm always serious. serious comes in different forms. Seriously smiling. Seriously crying. seriously grinning. seriously, genuinely, i-mean-it looking into your eyes.
but what do you do when you can't figure it out.
when you add 1 + 1 and you get 1 or sometimes 3?
how hard is it, the dialectics?
tomorrow is the first day of February 2006. No other day is the first day of February 2006
February first sounds like a good day to break some resolutions.
and here i am sitting and thinking about this while somewhere someone is staring thoughtfully at a piece of toast.
not like the truth really matters. we can stretch it far as the fucking mountain tops and the canyons. and we will if we can. and we can and we will. and i can. and i will.
and i'm buskin wilson i ride bulls hells yeah.
and by that i mean i won't compromise my ideals for anyone else.
when you reach a certain point there's no turning back and there's no way you can possibly be the same again.
and i wonder i say to myself when did i change? transfrom. crhysalis. and i say to myself i'm a confused girl. and i feel rejected which is beyond stupid because it's a mood. moods change. everything changes. what's wrong with a caterpiller? why does it have to go and change into a butterfly? just today mr chollet said Things are changing. right here in a notebook, right underneath the part about movies being the new poetry. Things are Changing.
rawr i say to myself
why do they have to go and do that once i start to get used to it?
and i says, well cecilia it's just more proof that life is inconstant. and what would life be if it were constant? not life, that's for sure. like on the end of hitchikers guide to the galaxy everything is the same and suddenly it is moving. changing. that's it. a raging river with calm pools that will lead to rapids soon. sooner than you think.
and there's nothing I can do about it.
i can just take it and have pleasent memories and a pleasent present. which rhymes.
and so i take on the role of Cecilia Roseanne Berry.

and i wish i knew how to handle everything
and i wish i could Get a Grip
this is ridiclous. absurd.
and i'll never amount to anything.

we may be in the life but we aint shit.