snow day + snow day = snow snow snow snow snow
yesterday my stomache was in the worst of conditions. i figure that's because it was like, regrowing its stomach lining, probably. I can't explain it.
i love coricidin. i figured out that it's not that it gives me any greater understanding. it's not that i like the way it makes me feel. i mean, you feel stoned and it's like a blurred reality. and you can go into your head which is cool.
i think i like the fact that it makes your body nonexistant. you're just in your head. and you know that even if your body did give out on you, it's just a shell. and the real you wasn't ever part of that psoriasis asthma ridden body anyway.
yet when you are throwing up, and you can't breathe and you have the shakes and you have the chills you're going God please don't let me die please don't let me die i'm not dead yet. then you wake up the next day with a new appreciation of your limbs. and you're running and leaping. but there's a price to pay, that is your stomache hurts because it needs time to attempt to heal itself. not that it does, of course.
then there's the other problem that comes up. your emotions start to get out of whack for a while. but these side effects can be easily avoided if you just keep taking the pills. which is why i never just buy enough to fuck me up once. i have to have enough for several days. otherwise it would just be pointless. you have to keep taking them you know? otherwise you're just in for a world of hurt not worth the hell. i fucking love the hell.
i can't possibly explain it.
i'll take some of those funky robittussin tablet things later.
then i can be in that world of hurt that world of hell.
where i'm dead.
exhausted
in my head.
and i can try to record it but it won't work
yesterday, when i took 9, i was fucking laying on my floor without being able to move.
it was like the ultimate retirement.
oh yeah, we went to the snow.
that was fun.
we made snow angels.
i bet they're covered up now becuase look out the window.
Music is bad. Music made by another pseron is someone telling you what to do, who do to, and what to buy. we can't have that. i'll make up my own song going like this:
This is a nation of consumers who
Get lost in doo-doo-dee-do
Play a game and
Buy a scarf and
Buy a bra
And take it off
Forget about the bloodshed
Forget about the bullshit. America is number one.
American! Number one in millionaires.
American! We’re number one in billionaires.
American! We’re number one in votes don’t count
American! We’re number last in vote turnout.
American! We can’t do eighth grade math
We waste a lot of gas.
We like T.V. and stay in bed.
We hate to go to school and use our head.
We like the questions easiest to solve.
and useually we don't try at all, but
We like to throw our hands up scream American!
We love our fucking president American!
We’d love to fucking fuck you up, American!
We ca't see the truth that's why we're American!
We've become unguarded, see American!
We don't know a thing that's why we're American!
We Hate All other countries
We Hate All other countires
We are number one
assholes.
It’s a hidden rushing brook
That’s whats going on in my head
Yesterday I was awfully close to the river
But my heart wasn’t cold yet
This time I can barely hear it.
Yesterday I took 11 today I took 9
Remember, when carla was here she was talking about the river. How she was across the river and we were screaming to her but she wanted to go with her grandpa. Beyond the clearing? Stopped running. Passed on. Crossed the river, I think, will be my term from now on.
Not that I need to announce it to the world
Gandhi said “almost anything you do will be insignificant but it’s very important that you do it.”
It’s hard because I think they’re supposed to understand me
But I think they’re supposed to laugh at me
I think I’m supposed to show them up
I think I’m the number one superstar because hey I’m the star of this play
But I know that we all run our own show. Which, obviously, leads to a very big mess. Then there are stage hands all over the place running their lives and so on and so on and so on. The mind has a very large capacity of storage. It’s funny how much we can fit in our heads. We just keep stuffing it full full full until we pop. And you can’t remember Everything. You can’t look around and know Everything.
I know that there is no school today
It’s a snow day.
What’s funny is that I actually wanted to go to school today, that’s why I took a low dose of ccc. Because it wouldn’t be noticeable.
He wants to run the show but he can’t. I am a fly on the wall. I’m the shortstop the person between the lines who just observes I’d prefer to watch you first.
I learn any way I can, but I refuse to fucking pay money to go to your wretched colleges and get a piece of paper with my name on it saying hot damn we’s got ourselves another graduate.
I was reading that book Think! and I said to myself, maybe I should be a guru. Then a thought popped in my head “is there a guru school?” and I remembered that is not exactly guru thinking. Mr. Guru, he think for himself. Everything we do, oh you should go to a doctor for that, you should go to a counselor, you should ask an expert, you should write a letter to the newspaper asking if you should tell on daddy for touching you!
We’ve lost our thoughts, right?
Maybe that’s what this guy is trying to say
Maybe that’s rude.
I know there’s no guru school I don’t care. I’m a guru once I say I’m guru. But that’s believe, not critical thinking. I have awareness. I have perception. I can see in color. I have electric thoughts pulsating blue and red and green and white on a lam monitor. I can retain a shitload of information if it weren’t for this personality chip.
I just have to keep going justify my actions. See because I though I told you I wasn’t going to take no more pills. Now here I am. Took some yesterday and this morning.
The vomit has returned, but the main thing is that I don’t feel like shit.
I feel focused.
Clear.
Clean.
Energetic.
Like I have a hold on my life on the world on the everything and it’s called my heart clenched in a fist holding the soul of the world there. Center energy./
I will draw a picture:
As you can see, the world is a scramble.
And I am a scramble. And hardly distinguishabl
And my heart is pumping BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM,.
And the stars are in the sky even though it’s daylight because the stars are eternity. And the clouds are blue because of reflections. I never really understood that, but there are many things I don’t understand.
I don’t mind not understanding. It would be nice to know a lot of things but I’m a bit lazy and a bit lame. By that I mean I prefer to waste my time on living and singing than buying and selling. Writing, there’s something I do a lot. Which is funny because I only write because I talk too much and who wants to listen to this?
It just feels really good. My stomach is a little taut and my jaw seems to be trembling. My eyes are begging and my tongue is shy, but I feel really good way up in my tower. In my brain. In my head. Where everything goes.
And is my brain a messy brain? Or is it rather tidy? I guess I’ll never know unless I try right. Now.
It’s file cabinets
Like on bruce almighty
But better
And oh if there were no comparison
Then I would be a fan
Number one
But I wouldn’t sign cards like that because that’s as lame as secret admirer.
I scream in my head
CECILIA
You will never amount to anything you brat! I am stunned. It’s preposterous. I’m the king I’m a dolphin you’re a fucking kid on drugs that you said you weren’t going to take anymore. Hey hey hey, you just want to beat yourself up about that. You love it, don’t you? You love beating yourself up about shit.
Kj’s much like me.
I much like him
I much miss him
And that is why I wish there were school.
I don’t really remember why I began here. And I don’t know why we’re forced to lead such simple lives when there are so many other things we could do. It’s funny though because I say well you know what? Let’s think about something to think about. And we prefer to lead our carefree lives that are led for us. Because we don’t have to think about what to think. like pooh bear pooh bear
Shirts socks coats
Indonesia
China
Vietnam
Korea
Sri Lanki
India
Turkey
Guatamala
Mexico
Canada
Bangladesh
All these fucking places that send their beautiful clothes to the beautiful Amercians. I can’t stand it can’t stand it. Why can’t we just make our own shit. We’re the lazy asshole on the farm that needs to be slaughtered for eating. [pig?]
American Pig, I like the sound of that.
But there’s nothing I can do I’m just insignificant. But I’m still important. Just not significant. Root words in latin.
Oh dear.
I’ve lost my track train.
If you keep saying great I’ll keep saying great throughout the rest of my days. The west of my days. I don’t know why I wrote that.
I’m so excited
I feel old though
Old old old is cold cold cold.
Coricidin deadens every voice but mine.
Maybe that’s why I like it so much.
Maybe that’s what I want.
It is too cold for songs
Triple c doesn’t help the voice.
We’re lost in confusion
Obviously
We’ve gone to the picture show
Naturally.
And we’re so far behind.
so i've been looking on craigslist
and i found out that it actually hurts me when i see a neglected piano hidden in the garage with a bunch of garbage and plastic plants
i've been searching for pianos almost every day and i'm noticing that new free ones pop up on craigslist every few days.
so once i get a way to transport the fucker i'm set.
oh dear i've been feeling down.
i tried wearing a nice bright yellow skirt to add some cheer to the world. it didn't help much because it's transparant and the sky-water makes it even more so.
i feel wet and icky.
and i don't think i'm going to participate in the P.E. part of the day today because i feel all nasty style.
i just want to go home and take a hot bath.
then there's more dreaming of ccc and used to be.
which is a ridiculous concept; i know it wouldn't help me to take more coricidin now. it wouldn't even affect me the same way anymore. i know that for a fact. i'm on a different plane where it just leads to arthritis and big time vomit.
but it's like the old lady that still tries to fit into hotty clothes. that's me.
i want to cry.
i was standing right in front of the cough syrup aisle, right? and i had money clutched in my nasty little fists.
but i didn't buy it.
and i din't steal it.
and i felt bad. not for wanting it, just for wanting it in front of someone who didn't want me to want it.
but i'm always wanting it so why hide the want?
today mr chollet read my short story aloud to the class. i can't believe he did that. it was odd. it was like...i mean yeah i gave him my permission and all but i didn't expect it to actually sound like a story. i wrote that story in 3 hours while mark and kaydee and jared were downstairs yelling drunkenly. i wrote it sober, i wrote it quickly. when i turned it in i expected him to tell me something on the lines of "well this has some potential but it's crap until you do something else with it."
but he reads it to the class and it actually sounded like a story. and there was a teacher reading it aloud to a group of listening students. it was just crazy that's all. i still hold my opinion that it was one of the crappiest stories i've ever written, though towards the end i was really into it. it was like...the words were just coming out the way they belonged. they weren't my words at all anyway.
maybe life's okay.
maybe life's evil.
maybe my hand's starting to hurt from typing so much but i can't really stop.
i really can't wait to get out of here. to get home and get some much needed rest. i don't even mean sleep i just need to be alone in my little hole of a room. to breathe and stare and breathe and stare. that's about all the comfort i need right now.
of course instead i have to go straight to that sweat hall and lift weights.
i have an F in that class if you can believe it.
i don't care.
i want to get out of this system where they have all this control over me. control to say, hey go to class.
control to say listen to me i'm the teacher
control to call ME disrespectful.
control over all the other kids
obey.
do not question authority.
they live we sleep.
sure it's just some lame thing from some lame movie that didn't even explain the end.
that doesn't keep it from being true.
i just wish i had a way to stop myself from...thinkin
to put off that consciousness.
i'm sick of it, really.
and i'm sick of this worthless body, too. what with asthma and psoriasis and a constant stomachache.
but i'll keep going with the flow down the rapids to the waterfall just because i'm afriad to climb out and get lost.
whatever.
so there's this hottie.
and he walks in
and woo hooo now i'm looking at his cute...ness.
no more words
So the story goes a bit like this:
victoria and remo kind of break up.
everyone is screaming
i'm trying to sleep
jared says: "Fuck you victoria, why don't you leave."
she said she wants to and can she have a ride
he says no.
me and mark smoke cigarettes.
remo is crying
he says if i want to kill myself than isn't that the way i'm supposed to die
he calls her a stupid bitch
i ask her if she wants to talk and she said i don't want to talk to anyone.
i screamed fuck! jesus fucking christ! why are we all so angry! why can't i just go to sleep so i can wake up early and dress cute and look all cute for kj!
and this girl katie gave mark head
we watched this lame movie the island.
we went to the bottom of the driveway because cigarettes were delivered.
and it was 10 dollars from my glorious mushroom money
but that doesn't matter because we're not going to get mushrooms.
now watch, i'm going to get home and they're gonna go oh well we bought mushrooms but not enough for you.
which is not true
because
at least i have kools
that's why we live in cool and look cool smoking kools
i feel like a frenchie.
it's a mini!
i want some coricidin
i could pull that off if i wanted to.
with lia no less
The epistemology of love asks how we may know love, how we may understand it, whether it is possible or plausible to make statements about others or ourselves being in love (which touches on the philosophical issue of private knowledge versus public behavior). Again, the epistemology of love is intimately connected to the philosophy of language and theories of the emotions. If love is purely an emotional condition, it is plausible to argue that it remains a private phenomenon incapable of being accessed by others, except through an expression of language, and language may be a poor indicator of an emotional state both for the listener and the subject. Emotivists would hold that a statement such as "I am in love" is irreducible to other statements because it is a nonproposition
it's when you see the person and you feel like there is true beauty in Life and Form and Ideas. and that's when you melt in kjs arms.
so i have a urinary tract infection.
and it's kind of lame.
and at 8:00 i'm going to take some pills, i think.
that's like....mornin
end of lunch
8
like that.
and MILLER MILLER MILLER!!!
i love ceci kaykaykay
fuck yeah i do.
there is a guy named kj
and he makes me so utterly happy
and everything he does
makes me want to do anything for him.
and i say to myself, keep your feet on the ground!
but when have i ever listened to myself.
and kj is the most spectacular person i've ever met
and i don't want him to tire of me.
and i just want to kiss him in my pantry a little.
and i just want to watch some lame movie and laugh at it with him.
and i just want to get a little drunk
then mark goes "what the fuck is my problem."
i'm kind of amazed because it's like our worlds collided.
and it's like a smashing wizard who went to the beach with a lollipop in his sweaty little fist.
by that i mean, i went to that place. that's when my world collided with that boy with blue hair. and we had a bit of a moment. the kind where we laugh and we all bring out number 2 pencils. and it was a whole line of kids wanting to get out of high school early.
and i rocked shit at the english part.
and i got to the math and my brain was going HUH?
and i realized hey cecilia (ceci) you don't have a clue how to do this. and my eyes creeped over to this blonde girls paper. she was wearing earrings and nice clothes. and i figured she must be better at math than me.
then when the paper came with my score.
and i failed by one question.
and i laughed so hard i cried.
then the next thing i knew i was starting back at one like that stupid song by mark willis.
and there's this golden boy.
and i am so hungover. and it is bad.
i feel like i am the whiskey. i've transformed.
and it's not a good thing not one bit.
my name is cecilia
and i am just another day.
my head itches
i have no idea what to write about
i mean, i have the story
and i have the idea
and i have the way of telling it
but i know that it's sloppy
and i know that it'll just be crap.
funny thing is that later on, next year maybe, i'll reread it and find out that it was pretty good after all.
the question is whether illegal drugs should be legalized for medical uses. The answer is hell no. Illegal drugs should be legalized for Every use! that's not right either hold on...
obviously, since we're already giving everybody a shitload of drugs (prozac, tylonal, dextromethorph
legal illegal
two minds
but the correct answer is this--> illegal drugs should not be legalized for medical uses. There are other, safer, non addictive drugs that provide the same benefits. Also, there is the possiblity of addiction. Suppose a patient is using THC and finds it so helpful he or she continues more than is recommended and more than is healthy!
here, a problem rises: what are the side effects of marijuana? Munchies and paranoia.
that's a lot of supposing
fuck this
it is february 16th 2006
that doesn't mean anything to me
but it is almost lunch
and wow it seems like 3rd period was so long ago
and there are still several hours left in this wretched school day. call it 3 hours and 9 minutes.
then it's just a bitter memory of a girl that doesn't do her homework.
then it's just backwards and i'm like wait what?
but at least i have a pack of prime times.
and lunch means food
straight is great!
september 11th was a long time ago people
talk about a scare tactic
i think all this shit needs to be forgotten so we can all go out and buy a beer
speaking of beer
it's valentines day
marks alone and sad
messy breakup + mark ortiz = cecilia berry acting as active listener
which ends up with the both of us drunk, almost every time
so valentines day 2006
equals beer
maybe even vodka
i could see that happening
if we had money we'd go golfing
i wish kj weren't grounded
and i wish we could go to a fatty party right now
but that isn't going to happen
but that's okay because
vicodin wave!
I told you people Dick Cheney was dangerous.
Let's all wish a full and speedy recovery for Harry Whittington, the man Cheney accidentally shot on Saturday while they were out in the Texas boonies hunting quail. As for the trigger-happy vice president, let's hope he takes this unfortunate episode as a hint to pack up his shotgun and go home. Lord knows he's done enough.
Ready, Fire, Aim
Let's hope the vice president takes this unfortunate event as a hint to pack up his shotgun and go home. He's done enough.
The man is out of control.
Then again, out-of-control is the way this whole administration operates: Ready, fire, aim. Global war on terrorism, global war on poultry, what's the difference? You see something moving, shoot it.
Sorry, Harry, my bad.
It's been clear for some time that Cheney came to office with a revanchist agenda, and he has pushed so hard in his campaign to assert autocratic powers for the White House that even his allies on Capitol Hill have begun pushing back. No wonder, given the way he treats them. On electronic spying, Cheney has essentially told Congress that if any members would like to discuss checks and balances, they're welcome to talk to the hand.
His uncompromising drill-and-guzz
Conservation sounds like one of those sissified foreign ideas. Drilling, now that's what America is all about -- at least the America that spends its weekends on a 50,000-acre ranch in south Texas with a bunch of fellow millionaires, shooting at quail.
Typically, Cheney's office didn't bother to tell anyone for more than 18 hours that the vice president of the United States had shot someone. A vice presidential shooting doesn't happen every day, and I, for one, would appreciate being informed whenever the man who's just a heartbeat away from the presidency peppers a 78-year-old attorney with birdshot. But Cheney apparently is taking his cues from Jack Nicholson's character in "A Few Good Men," the ultrapatriotic Col. Nathan Jessep: "You can't handle the truth."
Cheney seems to believe that we want to know far too much about what our government is up to. He doesn't have to tell us who came to the White House and engineered the administration
Foreign policy wise man Brent Scowcroft, who served with Cheney under George Bush the Elder, famously said that he doesn't recognize the man who now occupies the vice presidency. I wonder what happened.
A pop psychologist might speculate that Cheney was shaken by two stunning blows. One of them -- the Sept. 11 attacks -- was suffered by all Americans, but it's hard to overstate the extent to which George Bush the Younger and his inner circle took Sept. 11 personally. The other blow is Cheney's personal health crisis, which has entailed a series of heart attacks and operations. It's easy to imagine that the fear of a new, even more catastrophic terrorist attack, combined with the intimation of his own mortality, could produce the kind of out-of-my-damn
But I doubt the vice president would have any patience with this sort of navel-gazing. Just lock and load. The rest of you, don't forget to duck.
It was radio host Tom Joyner who came up with Cheney's Valentine's Day poem:
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Say something I don't like, And I'll shoot you, too.
free piano (santa rosa)
--------------
Reply to: sale-132425064
Date: 2006-02-08, 8:48PM PST
oak upright . needs 1 string replaced , and tuning . I can deliver. good practice piano.52'' tall.
CRAIGS LIST!
FREE PIANO
NEEDS 1 STRING REPLACED
BUT...
FREE PIANO!!
he wants to go to new york
i want to be with him
this raises an interesting question
we have to do a debate in civics.
and this will be so very hard for me, because i don't believe in right or good. And i especially don't believe in wrong. So how the hell can i pull this off?
i'm reading watership down kids.
and i have this idea. and it doesn't mean anything to me
but i'd rather take care of myself.
and that means...well
what does that mean?
i wish i were stoned.
i feel like a bitch
i feel like i'm worthless
and i'm wearing a dress.
it's nice.
it used to be really long, but i cut it.
can't wait to hang out with roxxy.
we'll be doing that soon.
this weekend will be watership down
and the last unicorn
and my stupid boyfriend is grounded
which means i'm going to have to steal my truck and pick him up in the middle of the night.
:(
that won't work out.
then again...when kj's in new york won't that change everything?
won't i be completely restless?
and won't a plane be nothing?
well right now who cares
i found the rest of the salvia
smoked it
went searching for something else
nothing
i found these cough pills, comtrex. i looked it up and it has aceteminophin, that guisophex shit, and chlorophorian malate. which basically means it would have killed me if i'd tried to take a crapload of it.
but i guess that applies with everything.
i found hydroxicut.
who the fuck wants to take hydroxicut?
i think what i'd like to find most would be a cigarette.
but my dad stopped (blood clots in his lung and all)
and my mom did as well
so with the smokers of the household quitting, i don't have access to cigarettes.
so i'm kind of like RAWRRRR
but that's not the point is it...?
anyway, i found the virtue of selfishness. i'd been looking for it for so long. i've forgotten why i even wanted to read it.
i totally want to watch waking life.
i've gotta reread 1984...and enders game.
no time.
i could always read enders game for points.
hey hey hey
is that a mirror in your pocket
i miss kj.
i could go to marval!!!!
:( remo doesn't have any gas.
we're just stuck in the fucking house
no gas
no beer
no car
my dad's sitting right there all fucked up on oxygen and blood clots
remo doesn't smoke pot anymore
we eat dinner together now
it's like...since my dad's here...we're this...real...
it's kinda nasty, you know?
by the way, marks' been talking about suicide.
he said he always comes outside all pissed off and the thing that keeps him positive or normal is the trees.
and he was crying when he told me that and he got on the subject of the trees and his eyes started clearing up and he was just normal again.
and then he was talking about how he didn't think he was supposed to be here. like he doesn't belong and maybe his Fate is to die by his own hands. and he said, this isn't a cry for help, i'm just...this is how i feel! and he asked if i would understand that, if all his family would be able to understand that it was what he Wanted, to die. and he said, i've thought about suicide before, but this is different i feel like it's Time.
and i said, time... funny thing.
and when he seemed dry of words and tears, i said you know what i think? i think we should go snowboarding!
and he looked so surprised! so shocked taht i would talk about something that wasn't either depressing or like... one of those talks people give "oh it's not all that bad" "well you're not going to kill yourself Are You?" "just remember that i love you"
and he started to laugh!
and he said, hell yeah! we should go snowboarding! remember when you went off that jump and you fell right on your back!
and i laughed
and i said, that was the same day i hit myself on the head with my board because i didn't know how to get up
and we laughed.
then we played with sammy a little bit
then he and victoria and my mother went to san jose because vicky has to go have a check up. and, probably, they'll return with a dog.
a nasty little jack russel terrier dog.
_<
who cares about the future, i don't have time for that right now.
fucking ruby tuesday.