It doesn’t matter what happened before that.
But it’s like….i’m cecilia berry
That’s what I was talking about before the fat man came.
That’s what I was singing about. I was sitting on the swing. And I was having the time of my life. And I was saying that. I made my decisions. I felt like I had the world.
Then their world goes crashing down on me.
And that’s what’s got me sad. It’s the fact that no matter what I do, it’s always up to them. And I have no say whatsoever. And money isn’t the half of it.
And so I want 9 dollars to ensure my freedom. To ensure my happiness.
That’s what happens to real people I guess
They get too real
And they just come to a decision.
I have three dollars.
Then I just need a ride to target or something.
Albertsons
Whatever.
Remember when you got fucked up for the first time?
Remember new years when Carla’s boots kept her safe?
Remember new years when everyone was crying because the shit was down so hard.
And every time we got up the next morning.
And every Day I wake up the next morning.
Well maybe I’m sick of mornings.
And I can say it’s just because of coricidin BULLSHIT
It’s because of everything that makes the world everything.
You can’t hang out with your boyfriend in your room kind of thing
Minds changing kind of thing
Crying at school kind of thing
And maybe it’s hard because of the coricidin
But it’s always like that Always.
It’s just the strength to bring it out
The strength to shut me up with nine dollars.
For good.
FUCK
You can’t do that Cecilia you can’t waste it like that.
Sure you can. Time is wasted all the time.
What’s 17 years difference
What the fuck could I POSSIBLY do but experience pain? Why not just get it over with.
And all the peoples lives I touched.
And all the fucking shit
Making it another statistic
But I don’t even care.
Not like it’s more severe.
It’s the same.
But I know for a fact that this would all go away if …

Fact 1: We have made significant progress in fighting drug use and drug trafficking in America. Now is not the time to abandon our efforts.

The Legalization Lobby claims that the fight against drugs cannot be won. However, overall drug use is down by more than a third in the last twenty years, while cocaine use has dropped by an astounding 70 percent. Ninety-five percent of Americans do not use drugs. This is success by any standards.

Fact 2: A balanced approach of prevention, enforcement, and treatment is the key in the fight against drugs.

A successful drug policy must apply a balanced approach of prevention, enforcement and treatment. All three aspects are crucial. For those who end up hooked on drugs, there are innovative programs, like Drug Treatment Courts, that offer non-violent users the option of seeking treatment. Drug Treatment Courts provide court supervision, unlike voluntary treatment centers.

Fact 3: Illegal drugs are illegal because they are harmful.

There is a growing misconception that some illegal drugs can be taken safely. For example, savvy drug dealers have learned how to market drugs like Ecstasy to youth. Some in the Legalization Lobby even claim such drugs have medical value, despite the lack of conclusive scientific evidence.

Fact 4: Smoked marijuana is not scientifically approved medicine. Marinol, the legal version of medical marijuana, is approved by science.

According to the Institute of Medicine, there is no future in smoked marijuana as medicine. However, the prescription drug Marinol—a legal and safe version of medical marijuana which isolates the active ingredient of THC—has been studied and approved by the Food & Drug Administration as safe medicine. The difference is that you have to get a prescription for Marinol from a licensed physician. You can’t buy it on a street corner, and you don’t smoke it.

Fact 5: Drug control spending is a minor portion of the U.S. budget. Compared to the social costs of drug abuse and addiction, government spending on drug control is minimal.

The Legalization Lobby claims that the United States has wasted billions of dollars in its anti-drug efforts. But for those kids saved from drug addiction, this is hardly wasted dollars. Moreover, our fight against drug abuse and addiction is an ongoing struggle that should be treated like any other social problem. Would we give up on education or poverty simply because we haven’t eliminated all problems? Compared to the social costs of drug abuse and addiction—whether in taxpayer dollars or in pain and suffering—government spending on drug control is minimal.

Fact 6: Legalization of drugs will lead to increased use and increased levels of addiction. Legalization has been tried before, and failed miserably.

Legalization has been tried before—and failed miserably. Alaska’s experiment with Legalization in the 1970s led to the state’s teens using marijuana at more than twice the rate of other youths nationally. This led Alaska’s residents to vote to re-criminalize marijuana in 1990.

Fact 7: Crime, violence, and drug use go hand-in-hand.

Crime, violence and drug use go hand in hand. Six times as many homicides are committed by people under the influence of drugs, as by those who are looking for money to buy drugs. Most drug crimes aren’t committed by people trying to pay for drugs; they’re committed by people on drugs.

Fact 8: Alcohol has caused significant health, social, and crime problems in this country, and legalized drugs would only make the situation worse.

The Legalization Lobby claims drugs are no more dangerous than alcohol. But drunk driving is one of the primary killers of Americans. Do we want our bus drivers, nurses, and airline pilots to be able to take drugs one evening, and operate freely at work the next day? Do we want to add to the destruction by making drugged driving another primary killer?

Fact 9: Europe’s more liberal drug policies are not the right model for America.

The Legalization Lobby claims that the “European Model” of the drug problem is successful. However, since legalization of marijuana in Holland, heroin addiction levels have tripled. And Needle Park seems like a poor model for America.

Fact 10: Most non-violent drug users get treatment, not jail time.

The Legalization Lobby claims that America’s prisons are filling up with users. Truth is, only about 5 percent of inmates in federal prison are there because of simple possession. Most drug criminals are in jail—even on possession charges—because they have plea-bargained down from major trafficking offences or more violent drug crimes.

Based on the Many Health Risks Involved

   Marijuana works in many complicated ways and is comprised of many different chemicals. Marijuana is made up of more than 420 different chemicals, 61 of which are unique to marijuana called cannabinoids. Marijuana is a much more complicated drug than it seems. The chemical that prompts the drugs action, THC, is the mind-altering cannabinoid that starts the process of the drug entering the bloodstream. The THC can remain in the bloodstream from 3 to 5 days to weeks at a time. When the THC stays in the body for that period of time they buildup, and this is when the most long-term risks take their form. This is why regular use of drugs is so much more dangerous.


   The regular use of marijuana can cause birth defects in new-born children. Even though it does not cause full-blown birth defects, marijuana is proven to cause unnecessary problems for a growing fetus, which include miscarriage and stillbirth. This is due mainly to the fact that the THC metabolites freely cross the placenta, in which they come in contact with developing body systems. The possible results involve decreased birth weight, delayed learning, and nervous system changes. Basically if one would like to have a baby and they do not know risks involved, they are too real to disregard and too important for learning.


   Not only does smoking marijuana do damage to an individual's health, but it can also be harmful to the appearance of an individual's health. Health is perhaps an individual's largest goal or facet of life that they would like to focus above all other things. When that health is at risk it is of utmost importance to take care of the problem to solve it to ensure that the person is stable and able to function. If one's health appears to be in grave danger, whether it be physical or mental health, it is very important that it is taken care of before it gets worse. Marijuana is something that leads people to believe that their health is in danger because it makes one seem to have some kind of problems coping with something in their life or they have a physical health problem that leads them to believe that marijuana will help. Marijuana is definitely not the answer for any type of health problems, and it can only cause more troubles.


   The facts are there to show that marijuana is at the root of several types of health problems, and will not improve one's quality of life in any manner. This drug can do health damage to many parts of the human body, and it can even lead to cancer. It is a wise decision to just pass on marijuana all together to be sure that one is not at risk for any health damage. Marijuana has nothing but negative effects on an individual's life, which is why there would be no reason for anyone to ever need to get high again.

Arguments Against Medical Marijuana Legalization

Medicines today are expected to be of known composition and quality
Lack of conclusive clinical trials on effects of Marijuana
The “inert” plant matter is a carcinogen
Potential for abuse
Is it fulfilling a need not already met?

As a medical doctor and board-certified pathologist, I am
often asked about cannabis ("marijuana", "hashish"). It is my
judgement as a physician that Lambda Chi Alphas should not use
cannabis, and should let our brothers know that we will not
tolerate its use.

   Taking cannabis produces a mild euphoria, often enhances the
appetite and libido, and causes the user to focus on simple things,
long and attentively, one at a time. Specific receptors for the
active component are widespread in the brain, and are named
"cannabinoid receptors".

   The national debate over drugs is highly politicized, with
much rhetoric and few facts. I am not writing this to argue for or
against legalization of marijuana or any other psychoactive drugs.
I am not interested in defending the old draconian laws against
cannabis, or the false claims of past decades. I will not review
the case for cannabis in treating glaucoma, AIDS wasting syndrome,
or the side-effects of cancer chemotherapy. I am not going to make
comparisons with alcohol.

   What I will do is present what I think is a convincing case
against its use by members of our fraternity.

SMOKING MARIJUANA IS UNHEALTHY

   The current medical literature lacks credible, non-partisan
reviews of marijuana's effects on physical and mental health (Aust.
Fam. Phys. 24: 1237, 1995). However, there is reason to be
concerned about the long-term effects on the brain.

   Users frequently report problems with short-term memory, both
while using and between uses. Short-term memory is the most
fragile brain function, and this spontaneous observation tells me
that something real is happening. The mental aftereffects of a pot
high are measurable, and are commensurate with the aftereffects of
a drunken debauch (Psychopharmacology 115: 340, 1994).

   The active component of cannabis (tetrahydrocannabinol), when
administered for five days or more, is now known to greatly
increase the numbers of cannabinoid receptors, and to alter their
chemical binding characteristics (Pharm. Bioch. Behav. 51: 731,
1995). We don't know what this means yet, except that it's clear
that using cannabis does alter the molecular structure of the
brain. Although we don't know what the cannabinoid receptors do
for us in health, they must be there for a reason. And smoking
cannabis alters them.

   A marijuana smoker's performance on tests of thinking and
coordination is impaired while on the drug (J. Exp. Anal. Behav.
62: 73, 1994; Psych. Res. 51: 115, 1994). Contrary to what you may
have heard, it's clear that marijuana smoking does impair a user's
ability to drive a car safely (NEJM 332: 892, 1995).

   The effects of marijuana smoking on the unborn child are
unknown. A group of scientists in Madrid has found long-term
behavioral damage in rats exposed in the womb to cannabis (Pharm.
Bioch. Behav. 47: 47, 1994). This is in keeping with the idea of
real damage, albeit milder, in adult users.

   In the 1960's, it was generally considered, by my college
friends, that heavy marijuana smokers exhibited changes that were
different from, but as obvious as, the changes seen in
deteriorating alcoholics. The primary changes were loss of
motivation and interest in what most of us like best (i.e., other
people, sports, learning, exchanging ideas). "It makes you lazy
and kind of stupid" was a common description. Of course, it's
impossible to do a prospective study demonstrating cause-and-
effect. But reflect that it's only been in the past few years that
anyone has demonstrated anatomic damage to individual brain cells
in old alcoholics whose cognition is obviously deranged. And the
receptor studies cited above are as impressive as anything I've
found in a recent review of alcohol's medium-term effects on brain
tissue.

   In summary, there is serious reason to be concerned that long-
term use of marijuana causes brain damage. We do not know whether
this is reversible on cessation of use.

SMOKING MARIJUANA IS UN-BROTHERLY

   You know the lawful penalties for using marijuana while you
are a fraternity member. For me, though, it's about ZAX.

   Right or wrong, wise or foolish, cannabis is illegal. In a
democracy, most people disapprove of most lawbreaking, and those
who associate with lawbreakers. Smoking cannabis can damage the
reputation of your fraternity and your brothers.
  
   Marijuana is associated with the "I don't give a damn, I'm
lazy and the world owes me a living" attitude of its most visible
users. This was true in the past (the "tune in, turn on, drop out"
hippies of the 1960's) and present. A marijuana smoker is using a
substance that has become a symbol for the culture of crybabies and
losers.

   Some people who are depressed use marijuana as a short-term
medicine to feel better. But it's a poor long-term strategy, and
makes the problems worse tomorrow. Depression is often a
physiological, programmed illness, and is almost always treatable
by conventional medicine. If a brother is suffering in this way,
we have a duty to recognize it and get the appropriate help.

   Cannabis promotes single-minded focusing of attention, and
this is seldom on other people. A user may become pleasantly
engrossed in a candle flame, but will not make a real friend or
practice a skill. The drug makes its users markedly less sociable
when they are high. Now, there's a time for introversion and
introspection, but a marijuana high is not meditation or serious
reflection. The people whom you select as friends tend to be those
who share common activities, and a marijuana smoker is likely to
end up with a circle of friends who are less interested in
interacting with one another. This is antithetical to the Greek
spirit, at least as we treasure it. Now, if I were in a fraternity
based on hazing, I'd probably prefer being around my "brothers"
when they're stoned, passive, and self-absorbed. But if you
actually like your brothers, it's stupid to choose a drug that will
make you withdraw from each other into fantasy.

   On a campus, different fraternities define themselves and thus
fill different niches. The fraternity I know attracts the men who
want to receive and give real friendship. "We don't haze" says it
up front. "There's a lot of love over there" says, and
perpetuates, who we are, and it's this reputation that attracts the
new members. If people said that "They do drugs" instead, the
character of the brotherhood will change dramatically. And in a
few years, we would no longer have a home on that campus.

   Brothers. Vir quisque vir. Anybody can smoke cannabis. Not
everybody can be a Lambda Chi. Anybody can know what it feels like
to have a pot high. Most men go through life without ever knowing
what ZAX is all about. And many men have even sought death, and
found it, just for lack of brotherly love.

   Please do not use marijuana or hashish, and please do not
tolerate its use among us.

Question: Why is marijuana illegal?

Answer: Something is illegal when laws are passed prohibiting it. Marijuana is against the law because there are specific laws which make it illegal.

To understand why certain things are illegal, we should understand two basic principles: (1) where laws come from; (2) why one thing, rather than another, may have a law against it.

Laws are rules which are enforced by a controlling authority or Government. In the United States, we have a Constitution, which is considered the highest body of law, or rules, in the land. The US Constitution creates three areas of government: 1. a President to oversee the country; 2. a Legislature to enact and create rules of law; and 3. a Court system to test and enforce the rules and laws enacted by the legislature.

Laws are usually made with the idea of protecting people or things. For instance, laws against driving too fast are safety-oriented and are intended to protect people. Laws against chopping down native cactuses are intended to protect the desert plants, rather than protecting people.

Before a law on anything is created, people must agree that a law is necessary. For some things, most people agree there is no need for a rule or law to control it. On the other hand, when enough people agree that a law is needed, then one may be created by the legislature. Legislatures are made up of representatives elected by people.

If something is determined to be dangerous, and people are doing it in spite of its dangers, then the legislature may create a law to prevent people from doing it and the court system may punish people who break the law.

So, marijuana, like most things which are illegal, has been determined to be a danger to the people, and because some people use it, sell it or possess it in spite of its dangers, laws were created by the legislature to prevent people from using, selling or possessing it and to punish people who violate the law.

i just wrote something really long.
then i pushed submit
and the page locked up and i pushed back
and it was gone
and now i'm like bummed out.

Five Lynnwood High School freshmen were taken to local hospitals yesterday after they apparently overdosed on an over-the-counter cold medication.
The students were being observed at Stevens Hospital in Edmonds and Providence Everett Medical Center and were expected to recover, an Edmonds School District spokesman said.

Yesterday morning, a teacher noticed that several students appeared ill. When questioned, they admitted they'd swallowed large amounts of Coricidin Cough & Cold medicine.

The medication contains dextromethorphan, sometimes used recreationally as a psychedelic, though another ingredient in the drug — acetaminophen — can cause liver toxicity when taken in large amounts. Emergency services were called and the students transported to the hospitals.
_______________________________________

THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT BECAUSE CORICIDIN DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE ACETAMINOPHEN IN IT!!!




so i'm looking up deaths as a result of DXM abuse. No such case is available. all the deaths are from people who mixed the drug with something stupid like morphine
or alcohol. actually alcohol and dxm make a nice combination.

i want to rip something apart i want drugs so bad.
i wish i knew math so i could make sense of this:
dexalone 30 gelcaps 30 mg ------600 mg for 13.59
coricidin 16 tablets at 30 mg-----480 mg for 6.59
generic caps 20 pills at 15 mg----300 mg for 3.49
i want to know which is the best buy for the most pills. for some reason i figure it to be the generic but...maybe that's only because i'm cheap.

i just did a doo-doo-doo-do-doo-doo song aloud
it was rad
and roxanne is blowing up heads and stuff
the end

ugh
i put food in the stomach
bad move.

snow day + snow day = snow snow snow snow snow
yesterday my stomache was in the worst of conditions. i figure that's because it was like, regrowing its stomach lining, probably. I can't explain it.
i love coricidin. i figured out that it's not that it gives me any greater understanding. it's not that i like the way it makes me feel. i mean, you feel stoned and it's like a blurred reality. and you can go into your head which is cool.
i think i like the fact that it makes your body nonexistant. you're just in your head. and you know that even if your body did give out on you, it's just a shell. and the real you wasn't ever part of that psoriasis asthma ridden body anyway.
yet when you are throwing up, and you can't breathe and you have the shakes and you have the chills you're going God please don't let me die please don't let me die i'm not dead yet. then you wake up the next day with a new appreciation of your limbs. and you're running and leaping. but there's a price to pay, that is your stomache hurts because it needs time to attempt to heal itself. not that it does, of course.
then there's the other problem that comes up. your emotions start to get out of whack for a while. but these side effects can be easily avoided if you just keep taking the pills. which is why i never just buy enough to fuck me up once. i have to have enough for several days. otherwise it would just be pointless. you have to keep taking them you know? otherwise you're just in for a world of hurt not worth the hell. i fucking love the hell.
i can't possibly explain it.
i'll take some of those funky robittussin tablet things later.
then i can be in that world of hurt that world of hell.
where i'm dead.
exhausted
in my head.
and i can try to record it but it won't work
yesterday, when i took 9, i was fucking laying on my floor without being able to move.
it was like the ultimate retirement.
oh yeah, we went to the snow.
that was fun.
we made snow angels.
i bet they're covered up now becuase look out the window.

Music is bad. Music made by another pseron is someone telling you what to do, who do to, and what to buy. we can't have that. i'll make up my own song going like this:

This is a nation of consumers who
Get lost in doo-doo-dee-doo-dee-doo
Play a game and
Buy a scarf and
Buy a bra
And take it off
Forget about the bloodshed
Forget about the bullshit. America is number one.
American! Number one in millionaires.
American! We’re number one in billionaires.
American! We’re number one in votes don’t count
American! We’re number last in vote turnout.
American! We can’t do eighth grade math
We waste a lot of gas.
We like T.V. and stay in bed.
We hate to go to school and use our head.
We like the questions easiest to solve.
and useually we don't try at all, but
We like to throw our hands up scream American!
We love our fucking president American!
We’d love to fucking fuck you up, American!
We ca't see the truth that's why we're American!
We've become unguarded, see American!
We don't know a thing that's why we're American!
We Hate All other countries
We Hate All other countires
We are number one
assholes.

It’s a hidden rushing brook
That’s whats going on in my head
Yesterday I was awfully close to the river
But my heart wasn’t cold yet
This time I can barely hear it.
Yesterday I took 11 today I took 9
Remember, when carla was here she was talking about the river. How she was across the river and we were screaming to her but she wanted to go with her grandpa. Beyond the clearing? Stopped running. Passed on. Crossed the river, I think, will be my term from now on.
Not that I need to announce it to the world
Gandhi said “almost anything you do will be insignificant but it’s very important that you do it.”
It’s hard because I think they’re supposed to understand me
But I think they’re supposed to laugh at me
I think I’m supposed to show them up
I think I’m the number one superstar because hey I’m the star of this play
But I know that we all run our own show. Which, obviously, leads to a very big mess. Then there are stage hands all over the place running their lives and so on and so on and so on. The mind has a very large capacity of storage. It’s funny how much we can fit in our heads. We just keep stuffing it full full full until we pop. And you can’t remember Everything. You can’t look around and know Everything.
I know that there is no school today
It’s a snow day.
What’s funny is that I actually wanted to go to school today, that’s why I took a low dose of ccc. Because it wouldn’t be noticeable.
He wants to run the show but he can’t. I am a fly on the wall. I’m the shortstop the person between the lines who just observes I’d prefer to watch you first.
I learn any way I can, but I refuse to fucking pay money to go to your wretched colleges and get a piece of paper with my name on it saying hot damn we’s got ourselves another graduate.
I was reading that book Think! and I said to myself, maybe I should be a guru. Then a thought popped in my head “is there a guru school?” and I remembered that is not exactly guru thinking. Mr. Guru, he think for himself. Everything we do, oh you should go to a doctor for that, you should go to a counselor, you should ask an expert, you should write a letter to the newspaper asking if you should tell on daddy for touching you!
We’ve lost our thoughts, right?
Maybe that’s what this guy is trying to say
Maybe that’s rude.
I know there’s no guru school I don’t care. I’m a guru once I say I’m guru. But that’s believe, not critical thinking. I have awareness. I have perception. I can see in color. I have electric thoughts pulsating blue and red and green and white on a lam monitor. I can retain a shitload of information if it weren’t for this personality chip.
I just have to keep going justify my actions. See because I though I told you I wasn’t going to take no more pills. Now here I am. Took some yesterday and this morning.
The vomit has returned, but the main thing is that I don’t feel like shit.
I feel focused.
Clear.
Clean.
Energetic.
Like I have a hold on my life on the world on the everything and it’s called my heart clenched in a fist holding the soul of the world there. Center energy./
I will draw a picture:
As you can see, the world is a scramble.
And I am a scramble. And hardly distinguishable from the scramble.
And my heart is pumping BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM,.
And the stars are in the sky even though it’s daylight because the stars are eternity. And the clouds are blue because of reflections. I never really understood that, but there are many things I don’t understand.
I don’t mind not understanding. It would be nice to know a lot of things but I’m a bit lazy and a bit lame. By that I mean I prefer to waste my time on living and singing than buying and selling. Writing, there’s something I do a lot. Which is funny because I only write because I talk too much and who wants to listen to this?

It just feels really good. My stomach is a little taut and my jaw seems to be trembling. My eyes are begging and my tongue is shy, but I feel really good way up in my tower. In my brain. In my head. Where everything goes.
And is my brain a messy brain? Or is it rather tidy? I guess I’ll never know unless I try right. Now.
It’s file cabinets
Like on bruce almighty
But better
And oh if there were no comparison
Then I would be a fan
Number one
But I wouldn’t sign cards like that because that’s as lame as secret admirer.
I scream in my head
CECILIA
You will never amount to anything you brat! I am stunned. It’s preposterous. I’m the king I’m a dolphin you’re a fucking kid on drugs that you said you weren’t going to take anymore. Hey hey hey, you just want to beat yourself up about that. You love it, don’t you? You love beating yourself up about shit.
Kj’s much like me.
I much like him
I much miss him
And that is why I wish there were school.
I don’t really remember why I began here. And I don’t know why we’re forced to lead such simple lives when there are so many other things we could do. It’s funny though because I say well you know what? Let’s think about something to think about. And we prefer to lead our carefree lives that are led for us. Because we don’t have to think about what to think. like pooh bear pooh bear
Shirts socks coats
Indonesia
China
Vietnam
Korea
Sri Lanki
India
Turkey
Guatamala
Mexico
Canada
Bangladesh
All these fucking places that send their beautiful clothes to the beautiful Amercians. I can’t stand it can’t stand it. Why can’t we just make our own shit. We’re the lazy asshole on the farm that needs to be slaughtered for eating. [pig?]
American Pig, I like the sound of that.
But there’s nothing I can do I’m just insignificant. But I’m still important. Just not significant. Root words in latin.
Oh dear.
I’ve lost my track train.


If you keep saying great I’ll keep saying great throughout the rest of my days. The west of my days. I don’t know why I wrote that.
I’m so excited
I feel old though
Old old old is cold cold cold.

Coricidin deadens every voice but mine.
Maybe that’s why I like it so much.
Maybe that’s what I want.
It is too cold for songs
Triple c doesn’t help the voice.

We’re lost in confusion
Obviously
We’ve gone to the picture show
Naturally.
And we’re so far behind.

so i've been looking on craigslist
and i found out that it actually hurts me when i see a neglected piano hidden in the garage with a bunch of garbage and plastic plants
i've been searching for pianos almost every day and i'm noticing that new free ones pop up on craigslist every few days.
so once i get a way to transport the fucker i'm set.

oh dear i've been feeling down.
i tried wearing a nice bright yellow skirt to add some cheer to the world. it didn't help much because it's transparant and the sky-water makes it even more so.
i feel wet and icky.
and i don't think i'm going to participate in the P.E. part of the day today because i feel all nasty style.
i just want to go home and take a hot bath.
then there's more dreaming of ccc and used to be.
which is a ridiculous concept; i know it wouldn't help me to take more coricidin now. it wouldn't even affect me the same way anymore. i know that for a fact. i'm on a different plane where it just leads to arthritis and big time vomit.
but it's like the old lady that still tries to fit into hotty clothes. that's me.
i want to cry.
i was standing right in front of the cough syrup aisle, right? and i had money clutched in my nasty little fists.
but i didn't buy it.
and i din't steal it.
and i felt bad. not for wanting it, just for wanting it in front of someone who didn't want me to want it.
but i'm always wanting it so why hide the want?

today mr chollet read my short story aloud to the class. i can't believe he did that. it was odd. it was like...i mean yeah i gave him my permission and all but i didn't expect it to actually sound like a story. i wrote that story in 3 hours while mark and kaydee and jared were downstairs yelling drunkenly. i wrote it sober, i wrote it quickly. when i turned it in i expected him to tell me something on the lines of "well this has some potential but it's crap until you do something else with it."
but he reads it to the class and it actually sounded like a story. and there was a teacher reading it aloud to a group of listening students. it was just crazy that's all. i still hold my opinion that it was one of the crappiest stories i've ever written, though towards the end i was really into it. it was like...the words were just coming out the way they belonged. they weren't my words at all anyway.
maybe life's okay.
maybe life's evil.
maybe my hand's starting to hurt from typing so much but i can't really stop.
i really can't wait to get out of here. to get home and get some much needed rest. i don't even mean sleep i just need to be alone in my little hole of a room. to breathe and stare and breathe and stare. that's about all the comfort i need right now.
of course instead i have to go straight to that sweat hall and lift weights.
i have an F in that class if you can believe it.
i don't care.
i want to get out of this system where they have all this control over me. control to say, hey go to class.
control to say listen to me i'm the teacher
control to call ME disrespectful.
control over all the other kids
obey.
do not question authority.
they live we sleep.
sure it's just some lame thing from some lame movie that didn't even explain the end.
that doesn't keep it from being true.
i just wish i had a way to stop myself from...thinking.
to put off that consciousness.
i'm sick of it, really.
and i'm sick of this worthless body, too. what with asthma and psoriasis and a constant stomachache.
but i'll keep going with the flow down the rapids to the waterfall just because i'm afriad to climb out and get lost.
whatever.
so there's this hottie.
and he walks in
and woo hooo now i'm looking at his cute...ness.
no more words

So the story goes a bit like this:
victoria and remo kind of break up.
everyone is screaming
i'm trying to sleep
jared says: "Fuck you victoria, why don't you leave."
she said she wants to and can she have a ride
he says no.
me and mark smoke cigarettes.
remo is crying
he says if i want to kill myself than isn't that the way i'm supposed to die
he calls her a stupid bitch
i ask her if she wants to talk and she said i don't want to talk to anyone.
i screamed fuck! jesus fucking christ! why are we all so angry! why can't i just go to sleep so i can wake up early and dress cute and look all cute for kj!
and this girl katie gave mark head
we watched this lame movie the island.
we went to the bottom of the driveway because cigarettes were delivered.
and it was 10 dollars from my glorious mushroom money
but that doesn't matter because we're not going to get mushrooms.
now watch, i'm going to get home and they're gonna go oh well we bought mushrooms but not enough for you.
which is not true
because
at least i have kools
that's why we live in cool and look cool smoking kools

i feel like a frenchie.
it's a mini!
i want some coricidin
i could pull that off if i wanted to.
with lia no less

The epistemology of love asks how we may know love, how we may understand it, whether it is possible or plausible to make statements about others or ourselves being in love (which touches on the philosophical issue of private knowledge versus public behavior). Again, the epistemology of love is intimately connected to the philosophy of language and theories of the emotions. If love is purely an emotional condition, it is plausible to argue that it remains a private phenomenon incapable of being accessed by others, except through an expression of language, and language may be a poor indicator of an emotional state both for the listener and the subject. Emotivists would hold that a statement such as "I am in love" is irreducible to other statements because it is a nonpropositional utterance, hence its veracity is beyond examination.

it's when you see the person and you feel like there is true beauty in Life and Form and Ideas. and that's when you melt in kjs arms.

so i have a urinary tract infection.
and it's kind of lame.
and at 8:00 i'm going to take some pills, i think.
that's like....morning
end of lunch
8
like that.
and MILLER MILLER MILLER!!!
i love ceci kaykaykay
fuck yeah i do.

there is a guy named kj
and he makes me so utterly happy
and everything he does
makes me want to do anything for him.
and i say to myself, keep your feet on the ground!
but when have i ever listened to myself.
and kj is the most spectacular person i've ever met
and i don't want him to tire of me.
and i just want to kiss him in my pantry a little.
and i just want to watch some lame movie and laugh at it with him.
and i just want to get a little drunk
then mark goes "what the fuck is my problem."