well i already knew that shit about the daddy long legs verus the Bobs, and that doesn't fucking help me find out why they've left me!
...
The members of the Pholcidae family live in houses and buildings. They make their untidy webs in the corner of a wall or a ceiling. They are also often found in the basement or the cellars, thus being referred to by another common name as the cellar spiders. When they are disturbed or when they are under a threat of attack, they start vibrating in their web violently to scare off and discourage their enemy.
Thems are bobs alright....

The daddy-longlegs have a special method of hunting. Their untidy web is used more as a place to stay than for catching prey. The spider hangs upside down in the web. If the web becomes too dirty, then it is abandoned and a new web is woven. Their poison jaws are far too small to hold a prey. They consume every insect like flies, ear worms, beetles and so on. The daddy long legs also put on their menu other spiders like the house spider, wolf spiders, jumping spiders and so on. In short, They can grab almost every insect in and around the house, even other daddy-longlegs! In this way these spiders regulate the population of insects and spiders in the house. The spider lives in the house the whole year. In winter, when there is hardly any insect left, the spider has to seek its prey among the next of kin.

They fucking ate eachother!!! hahahahha!! well, deary me i've discovered where the bastards went! this is the most fantastic moment ever...

DADDY-LONGLEGS ARE ONE OF THE MOST POISONOUS SPIDERS BUT THEIR FANGS ARE TOO SHORT TO BITE HUMANS
This tale has been lurking around for years. I have heard it repeatedly in the United States and even heard a schoolteacher misinforming her class at a museum in Brisbane, Australia. This is incorrect, but to clarify it, several points need to be explained first.

The animals
Most folks who retell this tale have no idea that they are referring to two completely separate groups of animals: "daddy-longlegs" and "daddy-longlegs spiders". In the animal class Arachnida, there are several lower level divisions called Orders. Scorpions are in the Order Scorpiones, spiders are in the Order Araneae, ticks and mites are in the Order Acari.

The creatures most correctly called daddy-longlegs are in their own separate Order which is Opiliones. Common names for this Order are 1) daddy-longlegs, 2) harvestmen and 3) opilionids. They are characterized by having one basic body segment which shows segmentation on the posterior portion, at most 2 eyes and all 8 legs attach to the pill-like body segment. They are usually found under logs and rocks, prefer moist habitat although they can be found in the desert, often have long flexible legs (in the temperate Northern hemisphere but there are also short-legged daddy-longlegs) and they do not produce silk so therefore they are never found in webs unless they are being eaten by spiders. Because they are found under logs and other stuff which people most often are not turning over, most folks don't run into daddy-longlegs very often.

Another creature often called daddy-longlegs are actually spiders. These long-legged spiders are in the family Pholcidae. Previously the common name of this family was the cellar spiders but arachnologists have also given them the moniker of "daddy-longlegs spiders" because of the confusion generated by the general public. Because these arachnids are spiders, they have 2 body basic body parts (cephalothorax and abdomen), have 8 eyes most often clumped together in the front of the body, the abdomen shows no evidence of segmentation, have 8 legs all attached to the front most body part (the cephalothorax) and make webs out of silk. This is most probably the animal to which people refer when they tell the tale because these spiders are plentiful especially in cellars (hence their common name) and are commonly seen by the general public. The most common pholcid spiders found in U.S. homes are both European immigrants. Pholcus phalangioides is a uniformly grey spider with rectangular, elongate abdomen and is found throughout the U.S. Holocnemus pluchei also has a rectangular, elongate abdomen but has a brown stripe on the ventral side (the belly side - which is typically directed upwards since the spider hangs upside down in its web) which covers its sternum and is a stripe on the abdomen. These spiders are very common along the Pacific Coast. and into the southwest deserts.

Possible envenomation
Is there any truth to this oft-repeated tale?

Daddy-longlegs (Opiliones) - these arachnids make their living by eating decomposing vegetative and animal matter although are opportunist predators if they can get away with it. They do not have venom glands, fangs or any other mechanism for chemically subduing their food. Therefore, they do not have poison and, by the powers of logic, cannot be poisonous from venom. Some have defensive secretions that might be poisonous to small animals if ingested. So, for these daddy-long-legs, the tale is clearly false.

Daddy-longlegs spiders (Pholcidae) - Here, the myth is incorrect at least in making claims that have no basis in known facts. There is no reference to any pholcid spider biting a human and causing any detrimental reaction. If these spiders were indeed deadly poisonous but couldn't bite humans, then the only way we would know that they are poisonous is by milking them and injecting the venom into humans. For a variety of reasons including Amnesty International and a humanitarian code of ethics, this research has never been done. Furthermore, there are no toxicological studies testing the lethality of pholcid venom on any mammalian system (this is usually done with mice). Therefore, no information is available on the likely toxic effects of their venom in humans, so the part of the myth about their being especially poisonous is just that: a myth. There is no scientific basis for the supposition that they are deadly poisonous and there is no reason to assume that it is true.

What about their fangs being too short to penetrate human skin? Pholcids do indeed have short fangs, which in arachnological terms is called "uncate" because they have a secondary tooth which meets the fang like the way the two grabbing parts of a pair of tongs come together. Brown recluse spiders similarly have uncate fang structure and they obviously are able to bite humans. There may be a difference in the musculature that houses the fang such that recluses have stronger muscles for penetration because they are hunting spiders needing to subdue prey whereas pholcid spiders are able to wrap their prey and don't need as strong a musculature. So, again, the myth states as fact something about which there is no scientific basis.

In summary
For true daddy-long-legs, the opilionids, the myth is certainly false, and for the daddy-long-legs spiders it is certainly not based on known facts.

i was totally going to put two pictures here, but fuck photobucket.
i hate it dearly.

"Hey, this beer's empty" sounds like a good name for a book. Not the one that makes me the shit, of course, just a short story that will be supremely fun to write.

I'm trying to think of current events to do for independent study. Things due tomorrow at ten. It is horrible, to say the least, that I still have like 7 current events to do. But it's Dennis; it will be okay.
I wish I could say I read more in Pride and Prejudice than i did.
I stole a copy of it from the book room today, figured it's a decent book to have, even though i think it's abriged. Or at the very least, in very fine print indeed.
I still haven't recieved the questions for the book, so I have that in my favor anyway...

Ew. i just realized i've been capitolizing my eyes. it looks horribly selfish. i shall stop immediately.

Sublime concert on April 8th. 21 and over, so i expect to ship mark off to it, to bring back great news of it's gaities to me.

i just read an article about how stupid american high school kids are. "many of today's young people are leaving high school with little understanding of how the American system of democracy works" apparently, 18 percent thought the three branches of government were "local, state and federal" and 16% though the three branches were "Republican, Democrat and Independent." What's with that?

in other news, my spiders have disapeared. i find this curious, unusual, and sort of depressing. I used to have a bunch of them, in each corner of my room. I called them all Bob and they were proof that i wasn't alone. I'd lay on my floor, staring at the fan, and they'd be in the corners, staring with me.
lately though, i've been noticing their disapearance.
So yesterday, i thought i'd go on a search to discover whether this is an isolated event. Remos room has three spiders. it's curious, and i don't understand it.
Nothing is different about my room since the times when it was spider bountiful.
The only thing really different is that i've removed the television and replaced the window. But seeing as televisions don't affect the desire of spiders to live in an area (right?)and they can't go through glass or anything, it seems they've just left my room in favor of another place. Maybe the window does have something to do with it. I mean, it used to have a fatty crack in it, and those nasty little bugs always appeared around my room. So maybe that's what the spiders were living on. So once the food was kicked out by the replacement of the window, Bob decided to high-tail out of there.
However, in one corner of the room, the part near the door, i notice there is a small dot among the cobwebs. could it be that a baby bob has stayed, and maybe within time i'll have a full grown daddy-long-leg-lookin-dude in the corner of my room again? maybe.
but it's certainly curious that there would be so many spiders in remos room and none in mine!
i mean to look at the other rooms at another time.
Then i can keep tabs on when the spiders pop up, and when they disapear.
I mean, if it weren't for the fact that there's some in remos room, i'd figure they do something resembling hibernation... it's just odd that's all. i don't understand it!

i could look it up, i suppose.
maybe i will.

RAWR!
I miss several people
mostly kj
and mostly carla
she called yesterday
I was trying to sleep
but I talked to her anyway because she was on her break and she was eating popcorn and when you work with popcorn you don’t want to eat the popcorn, so you call your best friend and if she says no I’m trying to sleep then you’re just stuck eating popcorn, which is gross.
I wonder what ro and sierra ended up doing
I’ve spent all weekend thus far doing homework.
I’m half done with pride and prejudice.
I only read it when I’m bathing.
so yesterday and today I spent like an hour in the bathtub reading jane austens crazy babblings. it’s a good book.
elizabeth needs to fuck mr. darcy because he’s a hotty and I would if I were her. but then I’d be just as bad as miss bingley, who’s totally on his balls. And he’s not into that, because I think he only likes elizabeth because of her indifference and almost hatred of him. which makes him vegeta style. and which makes jane austen very worthy of my praise.

I miss kj.
in a scottish terrier accent “badly”
that’s off lady and the tramp
so forget about trixie and lulu and fifi and rosita chiquita jua-wuh-whatever her name is!
and joa joa negawasa joa! you make me so high I don’t know the words blah blah negawasa joa.
remember joski!?
remember bon jovi!!
remember when you thought we were having a tea party with the imaginary cats!
what fun!
no more coricidin, but mushrooms are coming up soon.
me + remo + carla + victoria + mushrooms= the regular posse
we’re going to have a shitload of fun doing what?
obviously!!
which is probably going to be on Tuesday
which would mean I could miss school
which means HEY CECILIA! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO SATURDAY SCHOOL
ohhhhhh

so basically
I wish kj would come over in the middle of the night and throw rocks at my window.
so basically
there’s still a bit of me clawing out for some more cough medicine
so basically
I’m going to write that fucking book once I get a hold of what the point is
so basically
grapes are the shit
so basically
I’m bored as fuck
but I have all the time in the world
which doesn’t make me any happier.

9-11 report detailed possible associations between UAE, bin Laden

(Washington-AP, Feb. 23, 2006 12:14 PM) _ The United States raised concerns with the United Arab Emirates seven years ago about possible ties between officials in that country and Osama bin Laden, according to a section of the Sept. 11 commission's report that details a possible missed opportunity to kill the al-Qaida leader.

Republicans and Democrats alike are raising concerns this week about the Bush administration's decision to let a UAE-operated company take over operations at six American ports, in part citing ties the Sept. 11 hijackers had to the Persian Gulf country.

President Bush has called the UAE a close partner on the war on terror since Sept. 11, and his aides have listed numerous examples of the country's help.

The Sept. 11 commission's report released last year also raised concerns UAE officials were directly associating with bin Laden as recently as 1999.

The report states U.S. intelligence believed that bin Laden was visiting an area in the Afghan desert in February 1999 near a hunting camp used by UAE officials, and that the U.S. military planned a missile strike.

Intelligence from local tribal sources indicated "bin Laden regularly went from his adjacent camp to the larger camp where he visited the Emiratis," the report said.

"National technical intelligence confirmed the location and description of the larger camp and showed the nearby presence of an official aircraft of the United Arab Emirates. But the location of bin Laden's quarters could not be pinned down so precisely," the report said.

The missile attack was never launched, and bin Laden moved on, the report said.

A month later, top White House counterterrorism official Richard Clarke "called a UAE official to express his concerns about possible associations between Emirati officials and bin Laden," the report said.

CIA officials hope to continue staking out the Afghan camp in hopes bin Laden would return and a possible strike could be launched.

But "imagery confirmed that less than a week after Clarke's phone call, the camp was hurriedly dismantled and the site was deserted," the report said.

CIA officials were "irate" and "thought the dismantling of the camp erased a possible site for targeting bin Laden, the report said.
____________________
i would not have known this if it weren't for nofx

crapload of coinicdences--- elton johns birthday, 3/25 three years ago my love-band nofx wrote a rant about america that they put in their war on errorism cd
i love rants.
i was making one earlier.
it was angry and horrible.
then i decided to write a book
then i wrote a letter to mr chollet
then stephanie called mark but i don't know why
but we should go write horrible break up songs because of it

fucking i miss kj
i fucking miss kj
i miss fucking kj
mostly i wish we could sleep together
i know i love this guy because i want to do things for him. when i eat delicious foods i wish he were there to enjoy them with me. right now i'm like 20 seconds away from going to bed and i wish he weren't working.
ffffffuck
i'm so fucking tired.
and high.
i sleep now.

i murdered a stuffed animal because i was drunk


Body: y: January--i kicked
Febuary--i loved
March--i did the macarena with
April--i played with
May--i danced with
June--i murdered
July--i sang to
August--i had lunch with
September--i chocked on
October--i smoked
November--i yelled at
December--I ran over


Pick the day (number) you were born on:


1-------a paperclip
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a gangster
6-------a mexican
7-------a llama
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------an ipod
12-------a banana
13-------chuck norris
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a football player
21-------a ninja
22-------a fireman
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a baseball bat
26-------my sister
27-------a cd
28-------my science teacher
29-------a permanent marker
30-------my cell phone
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White------Because i was high.
Black-------Because I was drunk.
Pink--------Because im NOT homosexual.
Red---------Because the voices told me to.
Blue--------Because im sexy and i do what i want
Green------Because I hate myself.
Purple------Because Im cool.
Gray--------Because thats how i roll.
Yellow------Because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange----Because i hate my family.
Other-------Because that's how I roll.
none------Because i cant control myself
pink and green------- because she deserved it

i've discovered that i'm crap at sudoku.

so heres the thing: i had ringworm on my boob and it was itchy and red and horrible. and i couldn't fucking stand it and i put ointment on it so now the ringworm is completely gone, but it has been replaced with psoriasis.
yeeeeeeeahh i just love my fucking body.

on the brighter side i had time to paint my nails.
i had time to put on make up
i straightened my hair and painted the dogs nails
i made my bed and cleaned my rats cage.
i decided straight hair is horrible and washed my hair to replace its odd kinky-curly-wavy-do-whatever-it-wants-ness.
i ate beef jerky
i ate muffins
i'm going to go to school later
it's fuckin awesome.
i woke up and said this is tight!
and it was true

god.
i walked into the room and it was the same. the smells were the same, the air was the same, the people were the same. Jingle walked across the room and her shoes still squeak. It was like i had to go backwards in order to stop going backwards. then i felt like the fish because they don't know what the hell they're doing, only that they keep running into themselves. then you turn around and think i saw these same bubbles for the last 5 miles. 2 years, whatever.

so suddenly i don't have to wake up early anymore.
suddenly i don't have to sing in the morning.
suddenly i can't walk to 2nd period hand in hand.
suddenly i can't make jokes during babcocks class.
suddenly i'm alone. suddenly it's like destruction.
because this guy... this presense isn't present.
suddenly i feel like one of those flat fish at the bottom of the ocean.
and it is not a good feeling.

suddenly i can eat whenever i want.
suddenly i can play red faction at 9 am.
suddenly that's not very fun.

on the yellower side of things, i get to go to school right before lunch, so i can bring delicious things for my love and i to eat.

i miss kj.
i really really miss him.
it's like...when i've been on coricidin for 5 days, then there's no more pills and i get that wave through my veins. and it goes to my fists and i want to tear through the walls.
it's i'm experiencing the world in a whole new way a worse way
it's like there aren't any more cigarettes anyway so what the hell is there to do at home all day?
i miss him talking all irish
i miss him doing teletubbie noises
i miss him saying babcock needs to die
i hate the word miss.

but on the plus side
sleep
water intake goes up
food is good
time is very good


and i get to see my love tomorrow
and it will make me sing
i'm so fucking excited
it's brand new

LIFE IS KICKASS
I LOVE KJ HOUPT AND SUNNY DAYS

i think...he's very attractive. he's a refrigerator and i'm a magnet. he's a light switch. he's blue eyed. he smiles at me. i smile at him. i think i love you i love you over and over. and i touch him any time i can because i love the way he feels. i love when he stretches and i can see his ribcage. and his shirt goes all tight. and i can see his skin. i love that. i love when he's wearing a sweater and he takes it off and suddenly kj has arms. and i touch them of course. i love when i look at him and he's strikingly pal. and i love his eyes. i like when they go soft and he's looking quietly at something that doesn't exist. then when they're on me i go shy because he's so fucking beautiful and i'm so... plain. and i look away but i peek at him. but i can't even lock eyes when they're all soft like that. because it's so...i don't know. amazing. smashing. pure. like i could look at him if i want to. like i could see him. like he's right there. and maybe it's too much because he could take my breath away.
i think he's one of the important people. he makes me very happy. when he was driving me home yesterday, i was looking out the window with a huge grin on my face. and it was like i was seeing everything for the first time. all fresh and new and pretty. but it was just my neighbors front yard. he'd make really lame places fun.
i think he's a life enricher. i think if he told me to do something i would very likely do it. i think i like the way he is. i think there isn't anything i would want to change about him. i like how he walks and how he looks and how he leans against a wall and how he speaks. i love his voice. his voice gives me shivers. and sometimes when he's saying things it'll get really quiet and he'll end it with kind of a question. and its important.
and he's important.
right now i miss him so much. i wish he were around so i could see his chest rise and fall. and we can breathe in the same air and lay on the same bed. and our eyes can close and we can just be. but together.

i'm pretty excited about having dennis as a teacher again.
maybe i'll finally have something to do with the grey matter.
golden sierra was doing this wretched thing to me. it was making me hurt, actually.
and i could feel my perspective change. it went from "this is horrible!!!! it's a horrible place!! god it can't really be this horrible!!" to "i can't belive it's really this horrible." to "god it's funny how horrible this is" to "this is horrible." then i was just laughing at the fact that it was STILL horrible.
then i realized hey, cecilia, you're losing the one thing you aren't supposed to lose.
and i heard erik melvin say "share the anger!"
and what was i supposed to do, get out of the fucking hallway?

what's really funny is how emotionally disturbed i am. i don't think about it much, but if you put everything in its place i act really fucked up. i mean, i'd slap me.
boooooorring.
it's cold and lonely
i'm sick of my house.
i wish i had a job so i could save money to move out.
but i can't get one because i don't have a car.
and even if i did have a car, i don't have a license. and even if i had a car and a license and a job, i wouldn't feel like using them to go to a fucking job anyway. and the fact is, if i had a job, i would spend the money on mushrooms anyway.
so i'm just sick of my house but i'm not doing anything about it.
and i feel really useless right now.
and really fucking boring.

There are SO many things that could go wrong with your tongue.
it's disgusting.
i feel like brushing my teeth and washing my mouth out a whole bunch.
http://www.ghorayeb.com/TongueHemangioma.html
i've just been going through this site
looking at pictures of all the tongue horrors.
and i'm so happy i have a nice pink tongue with no lesions or...colors or blood or other nastiness of that sort.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3Fp%3Dgeographic%2Btongue%26ei%3DUTF-8%26fr%3DFP-tab-img-t%26x%3Dwrt&;w=700&h=933&imgurl=www.entorg.net%2Foral_photographs%2F20040707-hairy-tongue-750.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.entorg.net%2Foral_photos.htm&size=71.0kB&;name=20040707-hairy-tongue-750.jpg&p=geographic+tongue&type=jpeg&no=4&tt=93&ei=UTF-8




so that's the answer
at least it isn't tongue cancer.
i firmly believe that it has to do with psoriasis.

Sept. 18, 2000 -- That's a good question -- so good, in fact, that we in the medical profession are still asking it ourselves. Unfortunately, we still don't know what causes geographic tongue (aka "migratory glossitis") or whether children like your daughter will outgrow it.

Geographic tongue gets its name from these strange blotches that appear on children's tongues, looking a bit like continents on a world map. The spots, which can be a few millimeters to a few centimeters in diameter, are usually red with a white border.

Geographic tongue normally comes and goes. The blotches heal without scarring, and if new lesions do pop up, they usually appear in different areas -- hence the term "migratory" in the medical name. Rarely, they can affect the gums, lips, palate, and other parts of the mouth.

Some experts believe this condition, which appears to affect about 1% of American children, is a congenital problem, while others consider allergic inflammation to be the culprit. Although researchers aren't sure of its cause, geographic tongue has been linked to psoriasis, anemia, allergies, and psychological problems.

Children with this condition don't usually experience much pain or discomfort, although from time to time they may complain that the lesions burn. If that happens to your child, talk to your pediatrician or dentist to make sure that geographic tongue is actually what's causing the problem. In the meantime, have your child avoid foods and drinks that are hot and spicy or extremely acidic. Your child can also try over- the-counter numbing medicines that are sometimes used by teething children. They can provide a little relief, but should be considered only as a short-term solution.

you notice
book rags used to be free

another snow day
i want to call kj
but i'm too lame
so instead i'm watching pi
i've been high since like 10 oh clock
my dad started smoking again
that asshole
uh....i'm still pretty high

top news in the world:

he makes my heart go like mad.
i want to be his number one fa sho like p diddy
like when you're sitting there going my my i'm depressed then you see someone and everything's not that bad.
that.
like one of those thingies that balding professors have on their desks. where one ball hits the other three, then the one on the other end goes, and so on and so on like the energizer bunny keeps going and going and going and going
that way you're never sad for very long.
if i could be that, then it wouldn't matter what happened.

and...
so i've been thinking about the fact that i'm not passionate about anything. how i don't really have a hobby and i don't really do anything useful. nobody has a useful hobby, so i don't really need one. all a person needs is something that keeps them going when times are being hard on them. my brother has art. thats expensive. he needs good paint, good lighting, a good eisal, good materials. i just like thinking and writing words. i like making the new ways to say things. to say something completely marvelous, and on accident. i love that. and i'm passionate about that. so if you ever again say you're not passionate about anything, you're a stupid lying girl.

here's a special feature story on prom:
roxxy wants me to go to prom. she said she would put it in a contract, if i go to prom then she'll buy me anything. she even mentioned coricidin.
i bet it would be a kick to go to prom on coricidin.
then rebel numero uno pops up from the nowhere lands in my head saying No FUCKING Way is Cecilia Rose Anne Berry going to prom. fuck prom, says rebel numero uno.
she says "prom is a stupid tradition, just like senior portraits, just like senior trip, just like the whole jostens sha-bam, just another good fight in the gender war. a stupid distraction where girls have to be pretty and boys have to be handsome. where you have to prepare months in advance: buy the dress, make sure its not the same as betty monroes or you'll never hear the end of it."
and i say "oh you silly girl, it's not like the stupid movies if you don't want it to be! you make your own memories! you don't have to focus on all that bullshit."
then rebel numero uno owns up. "i just don't want to go."
and there's nothing more out of rebel numero uno.
and there's no explanation: nothing.
and i'm left very puzzled.

in book news,
so i'm reading this book Think! and it's about how people are kind of diminished in their critical thinking capabilities. How people (americans, mostly) would rather pay others to do the thinking for them than trust their own minds. which is probably fine since they're so used to relying on others they hardly have an individual thought anyway.
tis a scary thing.

and now the weather.
so it snowed.
and i'm kind of thinking woah, it snowed 3 times in fuckin march and february like WHAT IS WITH THIS WEATHER!!!
and the only time it ever snowed before was like 5 or 6 years ago. so suddenly it's like christmas up in herr. and i'm singing all the christmas carols that focus on winter like frosty the snowman, and let it snow, and white christmas, and that walkin in a winterwonderland song.
except those are all the songs that no one really knows all the lyrics too unless they're crazy christmas fanatics, so i'm mostly humming them to myself.

and it seems that i have a C in art ed with dr wescombe. i don't think i've turned in many assignments actually, which is funny. also, i haven't read as much cuckoos nest as i was have supposed to by now. chorus is a drag, same as always, except now i'm not even getting participation points because i'm shy let my crackily voice out into the world so i just sit there. Then there's babcocks class. (shudders visibly) i still haven't done the marijuana thing. i mean, i've smoked marijuana but i haven't done the debate on why pot is bad.

in other news, i started smoking pot again.

in yet other news, it may be possibly that cecilia rosanne is yet again addicted to coricidin. this news anchor asks, is it possible that she never actually quit taking cough medicine? was she serious when she said it was bad and that she was done with it? obviously not. she has betrayed herself, me and her friends and family and that stupid teacher, and has retreated to the bottle of pills. this isn't actually news. it's like when bush says something dumb, the only reaction listeners have is "duh."

i've given up hope of getting a job because even if i were active enough to go out and get applications, i wouldn't fill them out. this was proved when i went out and got applications but didn't fill them out. eventually they were written on by my mom while she was on the phone, doodled on by me, and thrown out.

i don't have much of a future because i like to let rebel numero uno be the voice that takes charge. she who refuses to fill out applications, be it for jobs, financial aide, or a credit card. i don't want to try for college because a college diploma doesn't mean anything to me. i think that's mainly because of all those commercials where it's like You Can Do It Too! and it shows some lame ass who says i'm an idiot but i still got a degree and look at me now! it kind of devalues the idea of having a degree. i could benefit from a creative writing class, but i'm not into the idea of driving down the canyon all the time, especially when rebel numero uno has prohibited me from getting a license. plus i have this thing where i'm horribly terrified of the thought that i'm not ready for the rejection that's to come out of a creative writing class.
the red-stamp-across-the-paper REJECTED kind of thing.
rebel numero uno claims that's bound to happen and i'm ready for it. but i say if i were ready for it i'd be brave and actually BE boistrous and at least TRY. and Get rejected if that's what's bound to happen.
i remember at one point i said that there's a part of me that is afraid to get out there and try, because when you're an old fart you could always say I COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING IF I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICES. but if you made the right choices and you fucked up anyway then there's no excuse. then you're just an old fart and you couldn't have made it if you tried.
and i say, oh rebel haven't you heard that song? we can make it if we try just the two of us.
and rebel numero uno complains about how that song is whack. and she starts juggling. and the bottles are blue and red and yellow and white and green and they're spinning and spinning six and seven and eight of them. pretty soon it's just a whirl. and rebel numero uno juggles. and i'm mesmerized. and i watch. and i try to remember what i was talking about.
oh yeah, college. so rebel numero uno says it's a stupid idea. and i don't bother contradicting.

so i've taken to singing.
sometimes i'll wander around my property and sing. singing was what got me in trouble that day when the fat man approached. if i would have stayed in the bathroom and hid, i wouldn't have been noticed. but i wanted to be myself. i wanted to swing and i wanted to sing and i wanted to be happy. and the fat man, the authority man, the man, he came up and he say who are you? and i say who i am. and if that's life, and that is why i was upset. unless you hide (yourself) you're going to get caught. and then it's up to them. So i'll walk around the property going nowhere in particular and making up words to the best song in the world. the same song the birds sing. that now kind of song that comes straight out of your heart and into the air even if it's a little wavering and sometimes off key. the real songs.
of course i've tried to write one down. i thought maybe i could capture it and put some music to it, but every time i try it's...fleeting. it's like a storm and it's all happening at once and how are you supposed to write down a storm if your paper's getting wet?

the fat man day was an important part of my life, especially if it ends up i get psoriasis on my arm, where i was scratching myself. same as that day i was drunk, when i wanted to see blood so i cut my arm. if that had healed i probably would have forgotten about it. but since it turned into psoriasis i'll never forget it. so every time i put on ointment, every time my skin flakes off and stands out against the table like a sore thumb, i remember breaking the miller bottle. and the most important part of the memory is the leaves. they were on the ground because it was fall. i was sitting on a rock, in the sheep pen. the leaves were all around. i sliced into my arm pretty bad because i was drunk and couldn't really tell how deep it was. then there was blood droplets on the leaves. and it was like snow white, when the mother pricks her finger with a needle and the blood is so red.
if i get psoriasis on my arm from the fat man day too i'll never forget how... i was swinging and singing about how i'm completely free and nobody can drag me down. then there was this white truck. and right when i saw it i knew it was for me. and i decided not to light up another cigarette. and it was a good decision. and every time i see it, i'll want to slap myself in the face. because i think sometimes that psoriasis is good grounds to kill myself. you know...before it gets worse, because i know it will. but that's the same as coricidin, if i'm the one making the cuts in the first place.

so lately i've been kind of down. sometimes i can't really stand it but today it's kind of just a thing that happens. like how some things are supposed to be a great big deal, your sixteenth birthday, losing your virginity, getting drunk. once it's over it's just a thing that happened. just a memory in your cache.
but lately i've been kind of down, that stands.

in more news,
yesterday i was talking to kj and he said we've been dating for 8 months. and i felt bad about not meetng his parents yet. and maybe i'm just afraid of putting that in my cache as something bad that happened. like when i was singing that stupid song in front of all those people and i couldn't even start because i was deer-in-headlights petrified. then when i did get the notes out they were all wavery and off-sounding. And he said it's been fuckin great, i love you. and it was the greatest thing i've ever heard in my life because he said it feels like it's just been two weeks. and i agree completely.
so lately i've been trying to remember flapjack. that ficticious guy i was so hung up on meeting, on knowing and loving and laying next to on a hotel bed limbs entertwined.
and i'm so fucking happy i have this particular guy. KJ. the way he looks, the way he walks, his shoulder blades, his fuckin elbows even!
it's better than flapjack.
and it's time to leave now.
so i go.

I am the sun and moon mixed up to make silver sugar.
I am this and that all mixed up
I am tired of writing the wonders and then having them deleted by the feed
I’m sick of the feed
I’m waiting for Roxxy
it’s bad when you don’t remember what you were talking about and you know that if you had only gone about it a different way then maybe you’d know what you were saying. if you hadn’t pushed submit, if you hadn’t gone on to talk about a movie or a book that wasn’t very good to begin with.
you kids want the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
null?
the truth is that the chairs are bleeding
the furniture is bleeding
the television is bleeding and we are feeding!!
then the next thing you know you’re dazed and confused going there’s no blood here. and I say to myself, stupid I was speaking in metaphor and jim carrey says that’s as bad as speaking in rhyme. and I laugh because none of it is as bad as the fact that this is the truth
like chief
maybe it didn’t happen but it’s still true, that sort of thing
I want to run on an island in the sun
but we don’t want lesions
remember I goed we do if it costs too much
we stick our tongues out
we twiddle our thumbs
that’s no way to go franco unamerican
the feed is already there who even cares! its like when you go to the mall and you walk past a shitload of guys and they say ew.
it’s like when you use words like fetch
and then I say well golly gee gosh and wowie it seems like everyone is a stuck up wannabe I think I’ll take some cough medicine for the sickness
but really I don’t ever call anyone a stuck up or a wannabe no matter how high I am because that’s mean especially when it’s true.
but then that makes EVERYONE stuck up or a wannabe because we like to label eachother get it?
which is what we like to do
I’m hip I’m with it
I’m important
I’m not insignificant
which is a heap
but that’s okay because we’re an army of One and you must embrace your INDIVIDUALITY yeah right we’re all the same there is nothing here nothing
now I feel like I’m going in mal
and I wish my feed could turn off.

let it snow let it snow let it snow!
i'm going to make myself be cheerful
by singing and dancing and acting generally retarded.
it should help, i think.
it's like that body language book
i was happy when i read that
i finished watership down
dea ex machina
and i'm fuckin amazed.
well the weather outside is doo doodoo let it snow let it snow
oh fuck i want to do the netflix deedly
yes yes yes


i luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
shit

uhhhhhhhhh
i wish i were an oscar meyer weiner!!
i used to go to meyer school.
my boyfriend kicks my ass when i try to kick my ass.
and that is awesome.
cuz i get happy again.
and then i go cecilia you don't deserve it
and you dont deserve him
and you dont deserve shit
then i go jeez why don't i just fuck the contradiction and kill myself by overdosing on coricidin
then i cry
then i feel stupid about complaining
then i complain about complaining
and its a vicious cycle until
kj says i fucking love you
and then i have a present with a heart going thump thump
and i'm like happy
without coricidin
so then i don't want to overdose anymore
but i still want the nine dollars to fuck me up a bit
that's the story we like to call CECILIA YOUR BREAKIN MY HEART YOUR SHAKIN MY CONFIDENCE DAILY!!! CECILIA IM DOWN ON MY KNEES IM BEGGIN YOU PLEASE TO COME HOME!!
that song sucks
and i love carla
and kj
and ro
and vico
and jared
and jared gets a kick out of prank phone calls
and i get a kick out of blazing saddles
and i feel like a fish out of water
and i'm drowning right?
then i go hahahah!! i can swim duh i'm a fish!!
and it's all great
except that my fucking MARIJUANA INFORMATION isn't printing out THAT DICK KICK SLICK RICK!!!
then i'm goin fishin in lake michigan bub

today is bad.
THE ONGOING WOW IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
i'm sick of quoting shit
i wish i didn't exist.
i'm not a fuck up, i'm just a fuck up
do you see?
i wish i would shut
up