We only have one car, the van, and my mom is being paid to use it to cart shit back and forth for A.R.C.
and now she's going all depression status because she feels like she can't make a commitment to a job, so she might as well quit.
and i feel like shit because if i hadn't been so drunk and pissed off that wouldn't be a problem.
my drunkenness has nothing to do with Remo's car being in the shop, though....
it's a really bad week.
I just want to go to school and see KJ, honestly that is all I want to do.
But that's fucking stupid, because i'm only going to see him for what? Lunchtime? 30 fucking minutes?
And I'm on house arrest.
And dad didn't come home last night. or the night before, or whenever he's supposed to come home.
and occaisionally I feel happy because soon i'll be off house arrest and I can see KJ more often, then it's like I'm hit in the head with a two by four. YOU MET KJS DAD IN JUVENILE HALL- that's not the greatest place to meet the father of the guy you want to marry.
and and and....what the hell do i want with kj anyway?
and what the hell does he want with me?
and why the hell do we even bother for fucking 30 minutes?
and i have to call adam and tell him, frankly, our family communication is so wretched that we don't know what is going on on a daily basis.
but it's the problem with the car. remo's car has been in the shop for way longer than it was supposed to be, otherwise we'd have no problem.
i'm so stressed out right now i could...cry.
just because i don't have any idea whats going on, but I can't help but blame myself.
what am i even doing home? i don't belong here i'm a....horrible person?
i should go to bed my mom said go to bed i'm not going to bed i'm just....going.
going
going
gone
i'm not worth anything to anyone.
except maybe kj. i saw him today. that was the best part of my day. he gave me a kiss.
i have psoriasis.
i lost my medicine for it and my skin's just getting worse and worse.
i feel like i'm choking.
why do i even bother with this shit? the whole shabam, why? it's like...this wild journey where you think you're going to be fine you think you're going to be fine and then you're shot in the chest.
and you fall off the roof.
and everyone knows your secrets.
and you frighten the old men in the hospital.
and all you ever wanted was for everyone to be happy and look what you went and did. you have demons inside.
you, who thought you were doing so well.
what horror.
i'm sick of this war.
i'm sick of red.
i'm sick of nobody understanding eachother.
i'm sick of dwelling on what's bad.
positive:
i'm not in juvenile hall anymore, though i very well should be.
positive:
there's a boy i'm completely in love with and he lives just in the next town
positive:
i don't have an ankle bracelete keeping me here
positive:
tobacco doesn't affect the pee test
right now negatives are just a lot easier to see.
why don't i ever just sit around and talk about how good everything is?
like apples. i really really like apples. we went to alberstons and we found these really really big ones. and one apple was as big as your hand. it was like, a worm-mansion! with 10 toilets! i mean, sure why do you need 10 toiletts when you only have one ass, but if the luxury is available, why not take it?
i remember once me and shannon were going to eat an apple together, but we decided to cut it in half first. and it's a good thing we did, because when we cut it in half there were all these worms twisting around inside. and we swore off ever going to luckys foodstores again. we were like nine years old. maybe luckys turned into alberstons because their apples were miniature and wormy, and alberstons had the cure in apple steroids. the barry bonds of the apple culture.
when i was in kindergarten, i got my fingerprints done. it was part of the jostens ident-a-kid project. on the front was my picture and basic information. on the back was my thumbprint and some random information. one of the things was "favorite athlete" and i said Barry Bonds. Me and my dad used to watch the giants, and since my dad was such a big fan of Barry Bonds, so was i. i remember going to a few giants games, actually. i remember waiting in a line for hours to get an autograph. i remember eating peanuts and seeing a guy catch a ball. i wished i had caught the ball, because that would be such a thing to boast about.
My dad coached the little league team. In fact i met carla because my brother and her brother were on the same team. me and her saw eachother at the games and we would sit under the bleachers and crack jokes and eat candy and one time i made her laugh so hard soda came out of her nose.
I was on the tee-ball team for three years in a row. in other words, i was terrible. to be perfectly honest i wasn't a bad ball player, i just got bored. when i was in the outfield i'd do cartwheels and chase butterflies. when i was on the bench i'd draw in the dust. I quit three years in a row. i got a trophy anyway, though, each time. when they handed it to me, some kid on my team said that they should give out trophys for quitting because then i'd have a million trophys. i think i beat that kid up.
baseball was important back then. Mark was on the baseball team, he was really good until he messed up his knee and ankle skateboarding. Remo was on the baseball team and i, always the tomboy, followed right behind him. we have team photos of all of us, and we have buttons with me holding a bat like a dork, remo holding a bat like a kid, and mark holding a bat like a pro.
this year, when i was riding the bus to school, i heard Barry Bonds' name mentioned on the radio. I felt like telling everyone to shut up so i could hear. I listened through the roar of the kids on the bus, and it turned out to be some scandal about Bonds being on steroids.
it kind of makes me feel fake, now that i look at it. he was my number one athlete, even if it was only because i was trying to be daddys girl.
but if Barry Bonds was really on steroids, then it was just a sham. Like the mansion apples. They're big and they're juicy, but they're not Real.
But boy do they taste good.
that's how i feel right now. that's the only way i can explain it.
okay, so there's these pills in my cabinet
and they are called fish oil omega-3
and my mom bought them for me a long time ago because she read it helps nasty-skin-dis
and i just realized that, hey, why do i hate fish so bad when they can help my nasty skin?
so i'm going to go take a pill and say a prayer for the fish that died to make it. Uh..do they kill the fish to get the fish oil? yuck....that's gross and i'm going to look it up now....
yeah i can't even find any information on it other than BUY IT IT WILL DO YOUR HEART GOOOOOOOOOD
uuuuuuuuhhhhhh
i am bored as a rotten tigermonkey
ahgghghgh
yay for fish and decreased risk of sudden death!
when i was in juvie, we were watching tv and there was this commercial for this website psoriasisconne
and i learned about this disease that approximately two in ten people with psoriasis symptoms have, and we call it psoratic arthritis, AHH!! and for at least 2 months i've been considering the possibility that i may have arthritis because...fuck
and hey hey hey, psoriasis isn't a skin disorder, it's an immune system malfunction. which makes me like wolverine, except retarded!
______________
This process is driven by a type of white blood cell called T cells, the attack force of the immune system. T cells start off as inactive, unable to recognize foreign invaders (or antigens) and with no instinct to attack them. However, once T cells are exposed to an antigen, they bind together with the antigen, and become active. They will now recognize the signal given off by the antigen, and target it for destruction whenever the signal is picked up.
In psoriasis, activated T cells move to your skin. This triggers the release of proteins called cytokines that serve as chemical messengers in your immune system. These cytokines send out the false alarm to your skin cells, activating their accelerated reproduction cycle. Cytokines also make the process snowball. They trigger inflammation. They cause the activation of even more T cells, and call T cells in other parts of your body to come to the skin. They even set off the release of more cytokines by the skin cells themselves.
One of the cytokines released by the T cells is called tumor necrosis factor (TNF). TNF plays a role in almost all psoriasis symptoms: inflammation, redness, pain, and itching in the plaques. It can make blood vessels multiply, and white cells move from the blood vessels into the skin. This may explain why you bleed so easily when you scratch psoriatic plaques.
______________
FUCK THOSE CYTOKINES!!!
"psoriasis” comes from the Greek word meaning “to itch.”
isn't that nice?
i'm ready to follow any directions in order to get rid of psoriasis, EXCEPT the quit drinking and smoking rule!! i don't know why, but it's kind of like hey HEY HEYYY why should I cut back on what I like, just because i have ugly skin, that, aside from itchiness, doesn't really affect me?
i'm the kind of cat that's going to wear shorts if i want to, and i'm going to go to the beach and if people ask anything about it i'm going to say it's contagious!
and it's like HA it's ugly, yes?? i punish you now because YOU don't have it, so you have to look at it, which is worse, i just have to deal with it, i don't have to look at it, you know?
of course, i do look at it and i go EWWWWWWWW!!!!!
okay so i need to get my ass back to the dermatologist and tell them to give me some more medicinessssss
it's got to be somewhere in my room, right??
i don't know this is gross who the fuck wants to hear about psoriasis?
No one knows what triggers your immune system to cause psoriasis. It is believed that you must have a genetic tendency to be susceptible to the condition. But once your immune system is triggered, it sends a false alarm to your skin cells, telling them that they’ve been damaged. The skin cells react by attempting to repair this “damage.” They begin reproducing at an accelerated rate (the process that takes roughly 26 days in normal skin now occurs in about 5), rising to the skin surface, dying, and building up there. The skin surface thickens. As blood vessels expand and more blood flows to the skin, it becomes red. The result is the flaky, red patches
______________
okay that's just gross.
oh my head is swirling.
my crazy crazy crazy crazy CHEMICAL WARFARE CHEMICAL WARFARE WARFARE WARFARE CHEMICAL WARFARE CHEMICAL WARFARE WARFARE WARFARE!!!
i do not want to eat eggs
goddammit dr seuss!
marks says fox in socks has subliminal prostitution messages.
here is how:::::::::::
first of all, the fox puts the knox in the box, right? and the picture shows the fox pointing at the knox in the box, symbolizing that the KNOX is for sale. right? cuz he's in a box. brand new prostitute.
then the chicks with bricks come-bricks of cocaine?
chicks with bricks and blocks and clocks come. the clock is a symbol for the fact that the prostitutes are paid by the hour, so it's all about time, right?
then they stack the chicks quickly, get it?
mark also says there's a secret in that the chicks with bricks are actually chicks with dicks and the chicks with blocks are actually chicks with cocks. although i think bricks could be tits, but he seems hell bent on the shemale thing.
but then mr knox says his tongue isn't quick or slick so he just can't handle all these chicks
so mr fox says i'm sorry mr knox and brings in a new slut, sue, who has a thing for sewing.
anyway, the next thing you know there's blue goo all over the place that mr fox wants mr knox to put in his mouth!
then suddenly bim and ben come, and they bring their brooms, which are actually penises right? then bim and ben bend eachothers brooms, right? and they "break" and suddenly there's a huge parade with big bands, and bens band bangs and bims band booms. i call this an orgasm. The next thing you know there's a guy that licks lakes with his duck, which is for all you people with animal fetishes.
then the rest of it, the cheese trees and the tweetle beatles, is just to make the book seem innocent
--------------
fuckin mark, making dr seuss so obscenely perverted!
seriously though the best part of that book is this::
when tweetle beetles fight it's called a tweetle beetle battle. and when they battle in a puddle it's a tweetle beetle puddle battle. And when tweetle beetles battle with paddles in a puddle, they call it a tweetle beetle puddle paddle battle AND when beetles battle beetles in a puddle paddle battle and the beetle battle puddle is a puddle in a bottle....they call this a tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle muddle AND....when beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle!
i could say that out loud till doomsday and not tire of it
or get it right for that matter.
ughhhh
retarded!!
i just went outside to smoke
and then my mom comes up the driveway
and i run inside and now i'm pretending to innocently do my homework or something.
then my love says you can cab in my fever baby
and i still haven't stopped laughing
i'm lonely.
my hair is frizzing out in every direction.
my heart feels cold. sweaters don't help.
i feel like a really bad egg.
not even knitting can help me now, i just sigh and put the needles away.
we went to kmart and i bought some things.
i got this floss that has like... toothpaste wannabe in it, so when you floss your teeth you feel like you just brushed them. it tastes delicious and the floss is multicolored.
that's the most exciting news i have.
i feel like...i don't want to go to school.
i feel like "i told you so"
it's bitter and conceited.
i made all these stickers that say like I support world war, i love war, i voted for bush, i have herpes, i have menengitis, i have bad breath, kick me, i harbor arabs, kill all the arabs, i love terrorists, don't touch my car, i cheat on my taxes, i cheat on my wife, i kick my dog, i beat my wife, i can't read, i'm AMERICAN bitch, i'm better than you, my wife makes more money than me, bad in bed-great at golf, who needs trees?, who needs god?, i kill babies and a whole bunch of other stupid shit. then when we went to kmart i stuck them on peoples cars and on poles and stuff. it was fun i guess
AHHH
i hate myself.
i had no reason to hate myself before.
now i'm like...a serious fuck up miss i went to juvenile hall.
ugh i'm like...a really bad egg, get it?
i feel so bad about everything i've ever done.
i don't want to taint people with my presence.
is there school tomorrow?
okay, to be perfectly honest? i think all that excitement stemmed from the pineapple.
but by golly i don't blame it because it's just sitting there! in all its glory! and it's a pineapple from!!! maui!!!
okay i don't actually know where it came from, probably some mexican guys hat!
i'll find out though...YES SHE CAME FROM HAWAII!!!
speaking of hawaii what the fuck?
i want to go there! i have a coconut from hawaii when carla went, but i never went there, you know? and what does a coconut do if you can't even eat it! even if it was like 20 dollars that could have been spent on a sack
A SACK!!!
Remo has a sack!! not a ballsack, you're positively disgusting. lets not GO THERE>>>>>
uhhhh yes! they have hashish those bastards excellant hashish!! and i don't get to smoke it becasue hello? alcatraz???
and oh my god oh my god!!!!!!
i have 28 or 29 or 30 cents! right here next to me! they are sitting there all cold and nasty looking by that i mean i wonder if any of them have been to hawaii??
or maybe france? i've never been to france! i think today i'll find france! yeah right FUCK FRANCE AND THOSE HATS!!HAHAHAHH
dont tell the frenchman i said that or he'll strap me to a bench and make me listen to the mariachis ahhhhhh we don't want that no no no
if i were to be strapped to a bench and forced to listen to the mariachis i'd have to say senor senor! please please help me i am being forced to listen to you against my will! and they would go ay senorita no habla engles! and i would say please help me senor! and they would start to play linda ronstadt, so i would sing along too because when you're strapped to a bench there's nothing else to do! so i would sing tata dioooooo ay la la lAALAaaaaaaaaA
but then jesus would come right out from heaven, descending! and he would remind me that we must forgive the others of their sins. but surely if he heard what the frenchman did to me he would understand the damning the frenchmand deserves! and i try to tell him that! but jesus waves a hand and i am not strapped to the bench anymore. and suddenly there is no problem and who am i to strap the frenchman down just because he strapped me down?
so instead we go out for a latte and we both wear those crazy french hats! and it turns out he's a gay jeweler and he has always dreamed of going to hawaii! so we go together and eat pineapples!!! oh my god oh my god!
then a vulture comes and pecks out some guys eyes and we figure he must have been an adulterer or something.
then a corn bean comes! and i say why my dear i've never seen a corn bean in my life! but there it is! and so we smoosh him and smear it in bread, really really good bread. and then we share him with the poor, once jesus comes and blesses all the bread and suddenly theres 12 baskets! oh my god! and that's just the leftovers!!! oh my god! so we feed 5000 people! but they aren't mexican so they say what the hell, we don't want corn bean bread! we just want bread! and i say beggers cant be choosers! but oh my, they certainly are being choosers! so they throw the bread, and there's 5000 loaves of bread smacking me in the face! OH MY GOD!! and it's kind of painful and i smell like a corn bean myself!
so what am i supposed to do? so i put on some safety glasses because i don't want bread-glass in my eyes! ow!!
and then everyone just leaves! because they're still hungry so they decide to go to mc donalds
and i'm sad because they don't even want my blessings!
and they were free!
but the people think that if they're going to mc donalds its a deal becasue it's only a dollar but if they take my free food it must be nasty because it's free and only poor people go to free food. they're rich, see, becasue they can spare a buck on the dollar menu!
WHICH I CANNOT DO because i have what? 28 or 29 or 30 cents??
love, cecilia
p.s. to: dear, world
uh i still haven't done my homework.
i got into that nasty smoking habit again.
i am very bored because i'm in alcatraz.
there is a pineapple in the center of our table, and that is all that is on the table. so it's like a centerpiece! my warrior with a heart of gold! i love pineapples for that! just like vegeta, and mr. darcy, and that guy on that movie with the lantern? where he sings about the darkness and there's a goblin picking his nose, that movie. except that kid was a fag. not like brokeback fag, but like...i sing about the darkness and how the light is going to make it all go away and there's nothing to fear kind of fag.
AAAAAHHHHHH! i'm INTOLERABLY bored!!
rhjrhahahahas!
okayokayokayok
so i went to the nature center today and i stole a bunch of latex gloves. and i'm going to wear them like a docter and i'm going to flip people off and no fingerprints will end up anywhere because i'm wearing gloves!
then i found some really awesome paper, like...it looks all ancient and stuff so i took a stack of that and some card-paper because it was almost as thick as cardboard. then i found some mint toothpicks and these..anti-st
uhhhhhhh
i'm still bored!!! RAH!
i kicked the dog
not right now though
then hussy was on the balcony digging in the wood and i was like HUSSY!! how dare you! and she pressed her ears against her head and walked away
then she tried to EAT MY RAT!! omigodohmigod i got so mad at her and my rat just sat there looking through the bars in a british accent going oh oh oh!! kind of like hollywood! not the guy with cool hair, and not the place either, i mean really REAAAAAAAAAAAL
did i mention we have a pineapple!? oh my GUSH it is so excitinggggg!!
meaning oh my goddddd i want to go home!! then i look around and say silly you are home
and i say then why do i want to go home??
i want to talk to carla becuase she would understand exactly what i'm talking about and we could play that frog hop game where you leap over eachother? leapfrog! but i can't do that because AY YI YI my back hurts!
and this morning i felt like i was going to cry because my lungs hurt so bad, except how can your lung hurt what the hell? unless you have the consumption, which they tested me for and i'm pretty sure i dont have. OR MAYBE i just fell of a balcony and ended up with a lung contusion! hahah! but then again, if i really fell of the balcony, why did i get a bruised lung but no bruises in any other places!
and HELLO!! my legs aren't even broken!
oh my god i'm so excited!!!
and i'm listening to metaliicccca goin ladadada lalalal
and i'm singing along
but not outloud but in my head?
oh my god oh my god oh my god!!!
i'm not even on drugs!!!
but i very well could be for the way i am behaving up in herrr
by that i mean ohmigodomigodo
like i'm going to rock your ass at harvest moon once i tear the house apart looking for it and probably quit halfway through because looking for things is BORING!!
okay
the excitement just lost its excitement
oh poo.
fuck elftown
i'm supposed to be doing my homework right now
oh god mr darcy!!
i get to write an essay about that stupid book! it's going to be fantastic, because i love mr. darcy and i love that book, and micheal macfayden aint too shabby neither.
obviously the book is so fantastic becasue everybody wants to marry mr darcy!
that is the answer to my essay question, duh:
mr. darcy is hot and everybody wants to do him.
remember the weeping and the gnashing of teeth?
i'm there.
remember the part when everyone tore you to shreds?
that's me.
remember the days when long hair was a mistake?
i don't care.
i'm mad with fever.
i'm yawning.
i'm tired of lyrics.
i don't want to go to ARC tomorrow.
one day i'm going to do something worthwhile.
one day i'm going to do something grand.
there's not much time
dude i want to get out of here
i can't explain it but i'm in this...state of mind
thats confused and confuzzled since the beginning of consciousness.
i hear johnny cash singing when i was just a baby my mama told me son always be a good boy don't ever play with guns but i shot a man in reno just to watch him die when i hear that whistle blowing i hang my head and cry
and that is all
i watched flightplan----
i watched walk the line---fantast
i watched the cookout-----wh
i watched fun with dick and jane---it was kind of lame but it had me laughing because jim carrey is the shit, basically
i haven't been doing much except washing windows and watching movies.
AH!! i went to ARC and i'm going tomorrow too.
this way the judge can see i'm into helping the community?
but what really sucks is that i'm going to all these hikes and shit later on because my mom wants me to and ughhhh i kind of have to.
remo and victoria had better go or i'll be very lonely indeed.
i bought clothes at the grocery store.
i need chapstick so bad it is not funny. my lips are bleeding.
my head itches.
______________
PART ONE
okay so there's this girl running from the man. not a freaky terrorist man, not a rapist man, The Man. and she is running and running and running and running. then she's at a dead end right? a brick wall that goes 20, no 40, no 80 feet high, with razor wire at the top and with a thousand crocodiles at the other side. and The Man is right behind her. and he's stopped chasing her because nobody in their right mind would attempt to climb that wall. And she scrambles up 20 feet all at once, but falls back down, breaking all of her nails in the process. And The Man has made no attempt to detain her, because he finds amusement in her pathetic attempt to escape. And so she kicks him in the balls.
PART TWO
once the girl kicked The Man in the balls, she didn't quite know what to do. the fence was still keeping her from her freedom. To run back the way she came was the way to certain death. The Man was hunched over in pain and after she attempted for two days to climb the wall, she just backed up against the wall as far as she could. and she stood there wide eyed with her hair in her face. Because, obviously, it's raining so her hair is plastered to her face because that makes the scene all the more dramatic. And The Man eventually recovers and this time she makes no move to escape him.
PART THREE
The girl is brought at once to a golden room, a pretty place with glorious tables and sofas and fountain pens. The locks are in shapes of roses and hummingbirds. There is a bed with satin sheets, there is a water fountain out of which flows her favorite drink. There are men to await her every need, there are caged birds who sing any song one might request. The Man leaves her here to live out the rest of her days. She throws herself on the bed and sobs, because there are windows and doors but no concievable way to cross through them. She is trapped indoors forever and will never see the light of day again.
PART FOUR
Later, in the garden, the girl and The Man are having tea. Later they walk to town, she and him. He buys her lace and books and jewelry and flowers. Upon their return to the estate, he locks her in her golden room again and retires to his own bedroom.
Every weekend she demands more lace more and more and more lace. and she sews it all together and makes a lace ribbon more than 20 thousand feet long. When her hair is white and her body is frail, she presents it to The Man, who is baffled.
THE END
______________
i just watched pride and prejudice. the guy they had playing mr darcy made a fine mr darcy indeed. he was very tall, dark, and handsome. and quiet, but to the point, you know? and serious but seriously. i get it.
then i went upstairs and sat on the bed quietly. and i got up to find a pen and i saw kjs picture and my heart went. and i sat down again.
and i decided to call popcorn and change my clock.
but it was like SCREECHHHKJKJK
so i was like ohhhhhhhh someone is online but everyone is asleep so i will go downstairs and get on the computer.
and that is the story.
i wish...
i wish i didn't meet kjs dad in juvenile hall
i wish i met him in prison
i wish i could tell kj how much he means to me
i wish that...things really do work out like in movies and fairy tales and childrens books
in other words i wish money weren't a problem
i wish i had a loaf of bread like on aladdin
or a monkey! oh my, that would be better!
kj houpt is charming.
cecilia berry is in love with him.
but she'd better be careful or she'll drive him away because of her own insecurities..
FUCK I WANT A CIGARETTE BUT THOSE BASTARDS WENT TO SLEEP AND I CAN'T HAVE CIGARETTES IN MY ROOM SEEING AS I'M A FUCKING TERRORIST!!
JIHAD ESE!
i fucking love you kj houpt
you make my day
you make my night
you make me laugh and you make my eyes go wide
and then i'm remembering that horrible story about little red riding hood
oh dear grandma! what big eyes you have!
and she's got a crickity voice: the better to see you with my dear
and what big ears you have!
the better to hear you with my dear
and what big TEETH you have!
and she pulls her dentures out
and little red riding hood runs screaming down the lane and is immediatly struck by a motorist.
i'm actually entertaining myself with this
what fun!
i think i shall retire to my bedroom now, and entertain myself some more.
...
i watched brokeback mountain. it wasn't a very good movie. it was kind of boring, though some moments were priceless (when ennis and jack are making out and the wife just stares from the window, when jack says i just can't quit you, etc)
and uh............
FUCK I AM BORED!
i want to make a fuckin lemon merange pie
and smoosh it in someones face
i wrote letters to:
roxxy
kj
alyssa
destiny
janine
and carla
..............
i'm gonna go watch brokeback mountain in a little while.
if you look at it, it really is kind of funny that i'm this tiny litle devil and i managed to kick those poor bastards in the balls and stuff.
i guess they figured that girls aren't violent enough to be terrorists. tsk tsk. worst mistake they could make.
man! i want to get off house arrest so i can see my beautiful boyfriend.
his picture is aych oh tee hot and it's got my heart pounding and my face flushing like woot, what a hottie. it's kind of like oh my-god-in-holy
it's kind of like the little mermaid, because she has fins then suddenly she has legs and she's all wobbly like what do i do now? and the only connection she has with the real world is eric and it's all about getting him to fall in love with her so they can live happily ever after.
it's kind of like when beast realizes that there's more to life than talking candlesticks
it's kind of like when you have to stop drinking and you have no idea what to do with yourself now!
like on king of the hill when dale decides to stop smoking and he goes WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS!
it's like the best feeling in the world, because i know i have kj. and i know he has me. and i know that me + him = a couple of losers that are completely in love.
he makes me.... nice.
i don't know, he makes me want to be nice.
he makes me want to be a better person, and not just because his dad's a fuckin whatever with the keys jingling.
i was remembering that day when i got grounded, and i feel like a fool for that too.
and that new years when i tackled kenneth and when i tried to steal a car and said HAS EVERYONE GONE MAD!?
and when i punched remo in the face and tried to drown myself and screamed for hours.
and when i flipped everyone off at richards house.
these are all things i don't even remember, yet i acted like an idiot every time. and the thing in common is alcohal.
but the thing about that one day, when kj was here... me and roxxy were shitfaced. kj wasn't drunk. he was just there. and now i'm like remembering that in wonder. in awe?
he's like an angel, did i tell you?
when we were in the hallway, after the ides of march, he was looking at me and everything was unimportant.
he's skilled at this making a mountain into a molehill. or even an anthill. which i need.
scary scary scary!! this is me saying i need someone. who the FUCK wants to admit that to themselves?! who the fuck wants to admit that they're like...in this CAGE we like to call "love"
saying that he....is enough to make me whole.
it's horrible.
it's the truth.
he's perfect.
i love those eyes. it's like...i never really understood the eyes are the window to the soul thing. i never really saw eyes that were important enough. i never saw eyes that scream as loud as his. sometimes i can't even look long enough. sometimes i want to cry. sometimes i want to laugh.
sometimes i want to throw my head back and howl at the moon.
but no matter what i do, i want him to be there with me. i want it to be me and him. does that make sense?
can that make sense?
i really really really really really hope it does.
i want to listen to the beatles THE WORLD IS TREATIN ME BAD, MISERY. I'M THE KIND OF GUY WHO NEVER USED TO CRY. THE WORLD IS TREATIN ME BAD, MISERY!
it doesn't matter, nothing matters.
i want to see roxxy. i wish her visiting weren't against the law. same goes for janine and carla. maybe less with them
i mean ro's right there! if it weren't for all this bullshit she'd probably be over right now.
when i got home i looked in the fridge then i looked in the freezer and there's some ice cream and i go oh...roxxy WAS here.
it was a weird moment.
okay so i just received the news:
i'm not going to be online very often, because the ankle bracelet might fuck with everything
not to mention i'm still in jail, technically
i'm praying to the supreme electricity god that i won't have to go back just because the phone lines are dysfunctional
i hope he can understand that i am a good person
and i hope i can be strong enough to remember the good lessons.
and i hope my chest gets better because it hurts every time i wake up
and i cough
and my lungs go owwwwwwwwww!! you fucking !BITCH!! and i say oh dear lungs, i'm so dreadfully sorry.
always apologizing for the things i did when i was drunk
on the brighter side i'll be going to AA
so maybe i can...i don't know, benefit from this whole thing
i miss kj
when i called him i was so happy to hear he still cared about me!
i can't wait to remember that he loves me.
i think...retard
because it's fate you know?
i'm in love with this character that wants me to stop doing drugs. then i get busted and i end up in the very place his father works?
truth is stranger than fiction
god works in mysterious ways
fate ka dea ex machina
it's the thing i've always been searching for
and i have a stack of proof in my head.
and once my head has settled enough to write it down, i'm going to write a killer book.
until then i can only take notes to read through later.
i wish my love were here.
i want to hold him close and i want to hear his heart go boom boom boom
and i want to touch his nipples
muahahaha
but i'm in jail and that is NOT ALLOWED!! ahhhhh
time to line up for breakfast
i have this thing where i put my hands behind my back when i walk
i figure one day things will return to normal and i will be le cecilia once more
kj i still love you!!!!!!!!!!!
oh
my
god
i am never going to drink again
i am never going to wake up and say, what the hell happened yesterday?
ohmygod there is so much to say!
i.... don't remember anything that put me in juvenile hall.
i don't remember falling off the balcony, though i have the bruised lung to prove it happened.
i don't remember trying to break out of handcuffs, although i had this fat purple bruise on my forearm that's fading to yellow now.
i actually do remember them sedating me.
i do remember stepping in a puddle barefoot as they escorted me into the hall.
i do remember seeing roxxy and saying in a cheerful voice HAVE A BEER!
i can't believe how fucked up i was
from now on, whenever somebody says oh i was so fucked up this one time, i'll just say yeah once i was so fucked up i fell of a balcony and almost died, then i tried to (part of me says succeeded in, but i don't remember it) kick a cop (fireman?) in the balls and got locked away for assault and terrorism.
i mean, it's one thing when you wake up the day after being drunk and people say, dude you were flipping me off and screaming hella loud. then you slept in the bathtub and we thought you were going to drown.
it's quite another thing when you wake up as #36 and you can't wear shoes in your cell and you have to walk in a line
and on top of all of this, the love of your life mr kj houpt's father WORKS THERE.
OH MY GAWWWWWWWDDDD
i am so ashamed of myself.
when my mom told angela that kjs dad works there she said, mom I KNOW she's sorry. i KNOW she's sorry
and i want to bury my head in shame Right Now.
but on the brighter side, when me and kj get married, i can always joke about ken about the fact that we met while i was in juvie.
i mean, as long as he doesn't completely hate me.
but even if he did that's okay because i hate myself.
not this part of myself but...the way i was?
all drunk and fucked up.
and stupid
and angry
rebel numero uno
i think i left her in that cell, the poor devil.
i'm excited!
i'm happy!
i can't wait to call you lame!
i want an apple, but there's only oreos and cracker jacks
fuck bloodsource.
he's not smart
a c student
and that's after buying his way into school
beady eyes,
he's kinda dyslexic
can he read?
no one's really quite sure,
he signs stuff and he executes people
maybe that's why he doesn't have many friends?
cocaine and a little drunk driving
don't matter when you're commander in cheif!!
he's an idiot son of an asshole! idiot son of an asshole he's the idiot son of an asshole, idiot son of an asshole!!
he's too dumb
to eat pretzals
apparently smart enough to fix an election
and move boldly into the white house
though most people voted against him
he likes naps
he really likes naptime
a couple naps a day a nap and then he's ready for bed!
he may be from bush descent, he's always gonna be the un-president
he's an idiot son of an asshole
idiot son of an asshole
he's the idiot son of an asshole
idiot son of an asshole
he's our president.....
______________
______________
______________
Nofx you make me happier than everyone else!!!
i can be in the lowest the lowest the lowest the lowest the lowest the lowest the lowest the lowest of moods and i can sing to myself
i will always be lower than yoU!!!
never first or second place!
i will never run your rat race!
i won't be your competition
lowest totem pole position is where i'd rather stay than be like you!
and then i'm better
because i know the words
because i know who wrote them
because i know how the song goes
because i love that fucking song
because it reminds me of canada!
which was before everything!
and i was happy then!
it was nirvana!
it was nofx!
it was the ramones!
it was dead kennedys!
it was the crusher that made me happy then.
it was me writing a shitload about flapjack
the guy that had hilarious jokes that were lame but i loved them
who warmed the side of the hotel bed
who would swing with me
AND SALADFINGERS!!
which means, coricidin
which means, canada
which reminds me of glen! who i bought with THESE HANDS with quarters and dimes. 50 dollars worth.
victoria, who was with me there.
life! oh life! you bother me!!!
and vegeta!
and fredrick p fodderman!
and HEY YOU'RE ALIVE!!!
i'm still frantic.
even though i did the livejournal thing even though i did the elftown thing even though i did the vomit thing even though even though
did you know that nobody in my house has money?
did you know that HEY! tomorrow is april fools day!
i'm scared of it, today.
who wants to be a fool?
me and roxxy played chess
i wrote a poem once about amanda berkey
it went something like:
and amanda berkey can say i'm a fool
and i am a fool like i am a fool
but she will never feel the way a fool feels
giddy and self absorbed,
letting you reel 'em in
you're a real fisherman
but cecilia, you silly girl don't you know you're afraid of fish?
certainly but i'd love to go on a boat right now and catch a fucking WHOPPER!!!
and it would be so huge that one scale would be as big as my hand!
and its teeth would be as big as a trash can!
and i'd go hey mr king of the sea, why don't you just eat me alive?
but he wouldn't, that bastard.
because he doesn't exist.
because if i really caught a fish i'd probably send it back
because if i really fell in love, i'd probably run away
to the bathroom
to vomit
Remember when you used to call yourself Wiccan?
Remember when you had beliefs, and you insulted people because you thought you were right?
Remember when you used to think you were right?
Remember being right?
Maybe i was pissed off, but it had a cause at least, which i don't have now.
now when i sit in my room and drink old orange juice because there's a chance it might have vodka in it, and i think WHAT IS THE POINT!?
and so i jump on my bed
the very same bed
and i close my eyes
and scream
AND MOVED BOLDY INTO THE WHITE HOUSE!
THOUGH MOST PEOPLE VOTED AGAINST HIM!!!
oh, today was fantastic! i was jumping on my bed and i rushed to the computer to put on American! then i remembered that American! doesn't exist!!! i fucking made it up, it only exists in my head! but i wanted to hear it so that made me kind of happy.
oh, today was fantastic! roxxy came over while i was writing my love a message, and we played chess! and i very nearly lost, but in the end it was a tie! and that's only my second game of chess in at least 4 years!
oh, today is odd! i was going to give blood, i'm not going to give blood, i should give blood, i'd rather lift weights than give me part of myself
share the blood!
oh come on now, i don't want your blood, why would you want mine
what a fucking organization
we give them our blood
they feed us trash
its a fair trade, yes?
i want some celery
i taste vomit
my ear is bleeding
i hate myself, we'll leave it at that.
I smell like vomit.
I feel like vomit.
I feel frantic.
I do not give myself authorization to talk about this.
Different subject.
I wanted to give blood, but I'm not going to now.
I don't think it would work anyway.
fuck elftown.
i'm out;