“I don’t think you can win” the war on terror. And even when the president tried to come back to, um, clarify those remarks today, he suggested some pretty serious change in the globe’s geopolitical climate would be required to get the job done. ``In this different kind of war, we may never sit down at a peace table. But make no mistake about it, we are winning and we will win,'' Bush said with his trademark grin. "We will win by staying on the offensive, we will win by spreading liberty.''

They're out to get you, better leave while you can
Don't wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it
You have to show them that you're really not scared
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare
They'll kick you, then they beat you
Then they'll tell you it's fair

"Their personal circumstances are good. They're feeling good about where they are. They don't like gas prices. Who likes having to pay more at the pump? But they do feel that overall the economy is good for them, that the prospects for their family in the near term and for the future are good," Rove said of Americans.


so kj came over
he's lovely
he's good to me

that bomb in las vegas has been postponed
Court papers filed by Pentagon and U.S. Energy Department lawyers say the Divine Strake test at the Nevada Test Site will be delayed by three weeks.
"The proposed detonation of Divine Strake will take place no earlier than June 23,"
hear that remo?
6/23/06

so kenneth james houpt is my favorite most loved person.
and i am wearing his sunglasses
and they are way too big.
and i want to go for a swim
and FUCK FUCK FUCK I AM SUNBURNED!!
rajklgjsighs ljgdslikhdgsfs
school tomorrow----double
>_<
this sucks because i did ZERO homework...again

19 more pages
i've gotten a pretty good idea of where the story's going from here.
After sally's baby is taken away for the schooling, the 2 aliens are going to realize what the Truffles are up to. (Making people ignorant is the way they take over)
then the aliens get in a fatty argument again, this time with s-- charles admitting that he does feel cowardly for not explaining everything during the "retirement speech" he was forced to make. and duke is going to admit that if he were king he would have been the same person sai was and if he never hit the bottom he never would have known the bottom existed.
They're going to come to an agreement about friendship at least until they die trying to overthrow the Truffles.
meanwhile, devi and sally, who have been horrible as sisters throughout, are finally going to learn what it's like to have someone to giggle with at night.
when things are looking up, sally will be taken away becuase we can't forget that she's a criminal prostitute who ran away from the House.
and i don't know, maybe s-- falls in love with her or something
yeah right, s--'s a badass.

so i've got that much down.
every time i write, i remember a little bit more of the story, and there's a little bit more information
uh done printing.

uh i'm printing out 25 pages worth of story rough draft, like up to the part where Chica numero uno has the baby. In the draft she's called sally but fucking i need to change that badly. i really hate the name sally...
i have like...a lot more just to type. like it's already written but it's amongst a bunch of stupid diary stuff like "oh today i drank" and "i met matt" and "psalm 109"
seriously
psalm one oh nine is the worst most horrible thing! it's lik god believe me and kill this guy and make his children and wife suffer and meanwhile i'll be praising you allright.
horrible!

and i have a sunburn.
i've never had a sunburn before.
ever.
and now i'm all pink and burned and its like OWW
and i feel like cussing at kj because maybe white is contagious
ahahha
no.
i blame the sun, and its wretched UV rays, and remo's bastard car without the top
WRSG HSOGHDSg sajg means horrible.

we's goin fishin
in lake michigan

I've been playing guitar for hella long, outside. Not so much playing guitar as singing along with it... i'm not a guitar player so my fingers are bleeding. I'm drunk.
i can't think about anything except kj.
oh my god.
god who must exist for bringing such a beautiful creature into this world. i mean it. i wish i were you just to see how you're doing. i wish i were with you so we could be screwing.
i love this boy so much. he's proof.
and sometimes i get so...scared that he's going to leave me for some other girl. or not even for some other girl, just leave ME. and if that were to happen there would be nothing i could do about it.
all i can do is enjoy what i have now. kisses between classes; rides home, where he says cecilia, touch my nipple and it's annoying and romantic at the same time: flapjack.
and part of me says I TOLD YOU FLAPJACK EXISTS!
and i strum the guitar and scream scream scream.
i scream about iraq. i scream about osama bin ladin and how i agree with him. i scream about being on probation. i scream about how God must exist if kj is an angel and i met his dad in juvenile hall. i scream about how fucked i am for getting drunk. i scream about how i'm not really that fucked up, so i won't get punished. i scream about how my name is cecilia, but people call me ceci and i don't really know why. I scream about this boy that has blue eyes and blonde hair and i even scream about how lame i feel for screaming about a boy. and i'm strumming the same thing over and over because i'm not a guitar player.
and i say mark i miss you now
i say mark now that i need you, now that i'm ready to sing while you play, you're not here to play for me.
i scream i love you but there's only so much i can take
i whisper i love you but there's only so much i can take
i say their names: remo victoria mark ortiz mother dearest.
i cry i love you but there's only so much i can take
i say, there's a court order keeping me here: the worst place i can be.
i open my eyes very wide and i suck on my bleeding fingers.
i'm not an alcoholic, because i feel no need to drink any more. and i'm barely buzzing right now. i'm in the perfect mood for a melody. everything is a song. everything is real.
i wish kj were around because he can play guitar.
even though i highly doubt my wretched singing would go at all with his guitar playing, i'd love to create some kind of whackass shit with him.
what sucks is that i'm only comfortable with singing when i'm drunk. and what sucks even more is that i think i'm pretty good, actually, but no one will ever know because i'm giving up the drinking idea.
by now i figure kj and eli are home.
while i was swimming at jareds i was thinking how grand it was that i was having a good time and so was he. roxxy and victoria were topless and i was drinking whiskey with juice for a chaser. and, of course, it was jared's juice so it was pure and natural.
and at first i was like oh my god i have to drink more oh god i must drink MORE but then i chilled out and i'd say i handled myself very well. i only drank like two shots more than i originally poured myself.
i remember every second of the night.
no blacking out.
i feel kind of bad because when we got home i went straight outside with the guitar and became kind of antisocial, but remo and victoria were naked so i didn't really want to be inside anyway. and GOD was i on a roll! i was singing!!!
do you understand!
i haven't sang since march, not really anyway.
it was like... it heightened my spirit.
so so what if everyone else is asleep and i've been antisocial.
i feel fantastic.
i feel like putting my hand out and touching the worlds heart, just to see how it's beating. i feel like diving into a volcano. i feel like how eyes go up and down before you kiss someone. i feel like a surprise party. i feel like running a mile. i feel like gold. i feel platinum.
i feel like i had a great day.
it's just been a really good day.
i went to school late and was excused by my friend the librarian.
i talked to my love, and we kissed.
i ran a mile.
i went to the river with roxanne and lara.
i played red faction and got my ass kicked by victoria and roxxy.
i swam in jareds pool with frogs.
i got drunk for the first time in like a month.
i sang.
it was like the most loveliest day of my life.
life has just been improving since i got out of juvie.
i expect a stockmarket crash soon, but lately it's been so great...i feel like this is how life is supposed to be.
and i'm even thanking god for it.
and i'm smiling up and i'm saying i know you're listening sir!
but...osama bin ladin said that allah was backing 9/11. (bush says god is backing him, but bush is an idiot who doesn't understand the beam/speck idea so he can go to hell and probably will if you agree with "jesus") and if allah is backing 9/11 then why does he even bother to make signs for me? but what if i'm seeing a forest among the trees. or vice versa.
oh! confused!
there's no way to confirm anything so why do we even bother!?
there's no way to confirm Hey i love kj.
there's no way to confirm that debris from 2 falling buildings couldn't collapse another steel building.
i don't want to go to sleep.
i wish i had someone to talk to.
  :( ro's asleep
the rest are as well
i wish duke michigan were here
i wonder how the show was
i wish kj would come over and be my friend. and we could talk about all this stupid shit that i wonder if he'd even care about. and i would hold him close because he's the most important person i've ever met. and maybe he'd have some answer to what the hell?. and maybe it would be hilarious. and maybe i'd give him a kiss. and maybe he would look at me and see that this girl is in love with him?
and i'm human and i'm cecilia.
and i'm lost and i'm confused.
and i'm lonely and i'm bored.
and i'm awake and i'm tired.
and i'm drunk and i'm upset.
and i'm excited for no reason.
i saw robert today. he looked exactly the same. for a second i had this weird urge to kiss him. then we hugged and he was like what's up? and i was like not much, we were just swimming, what's up with you? and he was like nothing.
and my lips were purple from grape gum. and then he left.
i feel like killing myself just to have a reason to be so excited!
i feel like screaming.
but everyone is asleep and i must be quiet
oh i hate this.
i am sorry i left roxxy while i screamed, but it really was necessary.
i'm not tired enough to sleep but i'm tired enough to yawn.


earlier me and ro were talking about kj and i was playing piano and she said she thinks hes depressed and i flubbed all my notes and she was making chocolate milk and i was messing up fur elise and i decided oh my god i'm going to call kj just to remember he's not depressed Right Now and just to make sure he's okay and just to make sure he remembers that there's a girl living in cool,california that is completely in love with him.
but joan answered and said "he's out for the night"
and i said "thank you"
and we hung up at the same time.


i think i love him.

Escapism is mental diversion by means of entertainment or recreation, as an "escape" from the perceived unpleasant aspects of daily reality.

Escapism has occurred constantly throughout time. Some believe that this diversion is more inherent in today's urban, technological existence because it de-facto removes people from their biologically normal natures. Entire industries have sprung up to foster a growing tendency of people to remove themselves from the rigors of daily life. Principal amongst these are fiction literature, sports, films, television, roleplaying games, pornography, recreational drugs, the internet and computer games. Many activities that are normal parts of a healthy existence (e.g., eating, exercise, sexual activity) can also become avenues of escapism when taken to extreme.

In the context of being taken to an extreme, the word 'escapism' carries a negative connotation, suggesting that escapists are unhappy souls, with an inability or unwillingness to connect meaningfully with the world.

Some social critics warn about attempts by the "powers" that "control" society to provide means of escapism instead of actually bettering the condition of the people. In one of the interpretations of the famous quote by Karl Marx "Religion is the opium of the people", religion (particularly religions that promise an afterlife) is presented as escapism that distracts the oppressed. Others may dispute the implication that any one group is in charge of society, and argue that means of escapism are provided by the market to those who desire a form of "escape." Two fictional escapist societies are the Eloi of The Time Machine and the one in Fahrenheit 451, focused in visual entertainment.

However, there are some who challenge the idea that escapism is fundamentally and exclusively negative. For instance, J.R.R. Tolkien, responding to the Anglo-Saxon academic debate on escapism in the 1930's, wrote in his essay "On Fairy-Stories" that escapism had an element of emancipation in its attempt to figure a different reality. His friend, C.S Lewis was also fond of remarking that the usual enemies of escapism were jailers.

A German social philosopher Ernst Bloch wrote that utopias and images of fulfillment, however regressive they might be, also included an impetus for a radical social change. According to Bloch, social justice could not be realized without seeing things fundamentally differently. Something that is mere 'daydreaming' or 'escapism' from the viewpoint technological-rational society might be a seed for a new and more humane social order, it can be seen as an "immature, but honest substitute for revolution".

http://www.fema.gov/pdf/library/fema403_ch5.pdf

i'm going to netfuck everyone thats ordering these shitty netflix. i'm going to order the exact opposite of the crap they want. and it is going to be great.
and i'm gonna laugh

also
i haven't stopped eating since i got home
and from the looks of things i'm not going to stop anytime soon.
yum yum yum
food
happitai castle
amerikadesu
i'm going home now i'm going home
rfrahhhh

i met matt
hes cute

i want to get drunk rawr tomorrow is running tomorrow is roxanne tomorrow is a desk and i dont' even know why
tomorrow is not me drunk
and it is not philly
and i thank god for that
hallowed be thy name
RAAHEWRGSHSJKH TGE!
fuck this

i'm so sick of being real.

who the hell is ordering these netflix.
more V, and thirteen ghosts. it's like who cares?
and tomorrow i'm staying after school to run run run run
because cecilia berry will not stand for a D in p.e.
pringles cheezums are addictive.
i love water
i want dairy queen
i'm hungry all the time
i named him duke michigan and he will be my first son, besides glen.
i'm having a little trouble with it, but i just need to remember the whole story, then there it is, bound in white.
and green.
i have billy joel stuck in my head again.
my stomach hates cheezums.
i can't stop eating them
maybe they go to a brothel?
woah hitlers on tv
fuck hitler i've read a shitload on him. he's twice as boring as Prince Duke Edward Michigan
i love him already

really.

okay so            cd = 10.00
              poster = 1.00
           california tax = .94
              shipping = 2.00  

grand total= 13.94
i'm sure she won't miss it.

i'm battling my inner demons
nofx has for sale wolves in wolves clothing for ten dollars AND if you buy it online you get some free junk, a sticker and some keychains. at the store it was 13.99. and although i don't have ten dollars any more than i don't have 13.99, my mother does. and yesterday she gave me her credit card pin so's i could get some money out for her.
and...i really really really really want it.
it's only ten dollars. :(
of course, that doesn't include shipping and handling.
and the fact that while i'm at it i'm going to get a poster.
and a shirt.
and everything else then we'll be broke one day and my mom will go WHere did all the money go?
and there's this truck comes up and unloads fat mike.
and he's like where do you want me?
arghg

poo.

i don't know the credit card number anyway
i'll just be a good little monkey and place my order and go penny-searching like i did for glen. then send a money order and be patient.

There's an old man sitting next to me
Making love to his tonic and gin
He says, "Son, can you play me a memory?
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes"

i hated gone with the wind
but as much as i hated it i wish it were here to keep me company at night.

i miss kj.
even when i see him i miss him.
i'm like aching.
and then i come home and jared and victoria and remo are all packed up to go camping.
and they're going to get wasted.
and it's not fair to me. after all, i went to juvenile hall and i decided that woah i'm not gonna drink anymore. but i'm on extra house arrest even though i already learned my fucking lesson. and they have the option to go camping and i don't. and i'm being punished for drinking and they're going to get drunk. and it's like...i wouldn't.
it's like focus on the wrong area.
every single day, remo and victoria get high in their room; same as always.
and i miss kj
and i'm sick of it.
i don't ever see him anymore
and when i see him it's for just a few minutes and when is the last time i got a chance to look in his eyes and talk to him?
i'm very sad and lonely right now.

kj houpt turns me on
every time i look at him i faint
every time i hear his voice i'm howling
every time i kiss him i'm in heaven
the end

oh man
it's fucking weird becuase for like an hour and a half i'll be on the doorstep of hell. and muttering and shivering and sweating and crying i want to die. then suddenly the fever goes away and i'm cheerful and dancing and cooking.
but it's in phases, see?
oh man man man! i looked up on the dreaded influenza, and fiddle-dee-dee! they say it could lead to pnemonia and oh my gush that's totally likely what with my lung contusion thing. the doctors said i'd have more of a chance to develop pnemonia so i should moniter my breathing with that doohicky upstairs. the doohicky that i threw in my closet and haven't looked at since i left juvie.
and 36,000 people die of the flu every year in the US. who'd have thunk it?

i think scarlett o'hara is a rotten bitch for marrying Frank Kennedy. it's like DUDE that was your sisters beau! how dare you! and just to keep that wretched farm running that you aren't even living at! and ESPECIALLY when Rhett Butler is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR STUPID LITTLE IRISH HEAD and all she has to fucking to is open her green envy evil eyes and see that oh dear, ashley's not that fantastic. obviously his only interest in her is carnal, as they have nothing in common anyway-not like rhett. She sits there at fanny elsings wedding and scorns everyone for hiding from the truth in their little lie-lives about how the cause is all great and it's okay they lost. going about the old ways and not opening their eyes as she's done to see that the old ways are gone. Yet in the orchard ashley was saying the same damn thing! how she was too real and he prefered his shadow puppet theatre. THEN SHE HAS THE GALL TO PRAISE HIS CHARACTER CONSTANTLY TO RHETT BUTLER!!! i will hate this scarlett bitch belle of the ball beauteous and headstrong to the day i die. because you KNOW rhett won't have her in the end.
and it's a pity-- they deserve eachother, selfish beasts.
but in spite of her horrid bitchiness and stubbornness and selfishness and callousness, you have to love how she does manage to get what she wants. and she can add lists of figures in her head.
i wish i could do that, scurvy cad.

once i finish reading gone with the wind i'm going to read that book i have... by fredrick douglas i think. i don't remember what its called american life as a slave or something... i swear gone with the wind gives you SUCH a point of view it's amazing. it is now necessary for me to read the wind done gone because there are so many ways you could go with it. and fuck the klu klux klan!

sometimes i feel like the smartest creature alive
sometimes i feel like shaking with fever all of a sudden and i can't bear all this sitting up and open eyes.

YUM CHICKEN SOUP!!!

I'm tired of hearing of young fellows, who think you know it all.
You know nothing, you have not seen a shot fired,
and you're waving the damn flag.

I'm just watching some bullshit.
On the news. It's fucking bullshit.
Reporters trying to win a fucking emmy.

It's the makeshift,
The patriot,
the flag shop is out of stock,
I hang myself for your live telecast.

Coming live from my own funeral
Beautiful weather offered a nice shine,
Which is suitable for a full view of a forever altered skyline.
It's times like these I freestyle biased opinions every other sentence.
My journalist ethic slips when I pass them off as objectives.
Don't give me that ethical shit.
I've got exclusive, explicit images to present to impressionable american kids,
and it's time to show this world how big our edifice is.
That's exactly how they attacked,
when a typically dark-skinned disney villain.
Use civilians against civilians and charge the trojan horse into our buildings.
Using commercial aviation as instruments of destruction.
Pregnant women couldn't protect their children;
wheelchairs were stairway obstructions.
I had to back-pedal from the shower of glass and metal,
wondering if after it settles,
we'll find who provided power to radical rebels.
The melting pot seems to be calling the kettle black when it boils over, but only on our own soil, so the little boy holds a toy soldier, and waits for the suit and tie to come home.
We won't wait till he's older, though,
before we destroy hopes for a colder war to end.
I'll get a close-up of his head.

It's the makeshift,
The patriot,
the flag shop is out of stock,
I hang myself while the stock markets crash.

The city is covered in inches of muck.
I see some more pictures of victims are up
Grieving mothers are thinking their children are stuck,
leaping lovers are making descisions to jump while holding hands, to escape the brutal heat; sometimes in groups of three.
The fallout was far beyond the toxic clouds where people look like debris 
But all they say when all was said,
beyond the talking heads, was the bloody dust with legs,
looking like the walking dead calling for meds.

All the hospitals overwhelmed,
volunteers need to go the hell home.
Moments of silence for firefighters were interrupted by cell phones.
Who's going to make that call, to increase an unknown death toll?
Its the one we rally behind.
He's got a megaphone, promising to make heads roll.
We'd cheer him on, but asbestos is affecting our breath control.
The less we know, the more they fabricate,
the easier it is to sell souls.


There is a new price on freedom, so buy into it while supplies last.
Changes need to be made;
no more curbside baggage,
seven pm curfew,
racial profiling will continue with less bitching.
We've unified over who to kill, so until I find more relevant scripture to quote,
remember, our kind is bigger, stronger, smarter, and much wealthier.
So wave those flags with pride, especially the white part.

We're selling addictive, twenty-four hour candlelight vigils on TV.
Freedom will be defended at the cost of civil liberties.
The viewers are glued to television screens, stuck,
'cause lots of things seem too sick.
I use opportunities to pluck heartstrings for theme music.
I'll show you which culture to pump your fist at,
which foot is right to kiss.
We don't really know who the culprit is yet,
but he looks like this.
We know who the heroes are,
they're not the xenophobes who act hard.
We taught that dog to squat,
how dare he do that shit in our own back yard.
They happen to scar our financial state,
and char our landscape.
Can you count how many times so far I ran back the same damn tape?
While the cameraman creates news and shoves it down our throats,
on the west bank, with the ten second clip put on constant loop to provoke US angst.
So get your tanks and load your guns and hold your sons in a family huddle,
'cause even if we win this tug of war and even the score,
humanity struggles.
There's a need of blood for what's been uncovered under the rubble;
some of them dug for answers in the mess,
but the rest were looking for trouble.

It's the makeshift,
The patriot,
the flag shop is out of stock,
I hang myself.
Don't waive your rights with your flags.

this sucks.