Devi wanted to scream, a loud penetrating scream.
“Are you kidding me? If you had any sense whatsoever you’d look at this situation. Let’s look at Sally as the control plant that was given water. I’m the plant that was given oil.”
Aunt Charlotte puffed out a cloud of smoke, expressionless. “What?”
“You want to know what it’s like to be Unfit, right? You want to know if people treat me any different than my sister, right? Well I’ll tell you! You’re treating me different right now!
“I…when you’re Unfit, you…you look at other people, going about their lives, and you wonder what makes them any different. And you feel like you could do the same things they do, and sometimes you do…Sometimes you pretend like you are fit. And you have a friend, even a lover, until someone makes an offhand comment about how you’re Unfit Unfit Unfit, that silly curse word!” Devi had thrown the bread on the counter again, and was screaming. “Then! Then your knight in shining armor who hung on your every word leaves and just…never mentions you again. And when he sees you on the street he’s embarrassed to talk to you or smile at you.
“And everything you do, for whatever reason you do it, is attributed to the fact that you never went to Camp. If Sally were to do the same thing, it would be overlooked because she did go to Camp. If Sally makes a mistake it’s just that. If I make a mistake it is because I’m Unfit. And people shake their fit heads and they click their fit tongues and they say ‘poor child.’
“If I’m yelling now it’s because I’m unfit to keep my composure. If this bread manages to taste good, it must have been some miracle. But if hers manages to taste bad, the ingredients- the same ingredients I used- must have been spoilt.
“If you, dear Aunt Charlotte, make one more mention about my being Unfit…I’ll…I’ll…” she left the room without telling them what she would do, and Aunt Charlotte clicked her tongue, and Sally shook her head, and they both said, "Poor girl."

In the days that followed the heated discussion about Camp, S− Charles and Duke Michigan continued to spend most of their time in the library; going over what they had over before, asking the same questions and getting no answers, and generally coming out only for food. The two were in a sour mood all the time.
The three girls however, were a different story.
When Joe Jr. was first taken away, Sally was at a loss for what to do. Joe was no longer around, and on top of that there was no baby to take care of, and on top of that she didn’t have to work at the House. In fact, she had tried to advertise herself on the street, but had gotten shouts and curse words.
She guessed that Silvana was much less civilized a place than she was used to, and came to terms with the fact that she was “off-duty.” So instead of following boys and trying to offer them fun for a penny, she stayed indoors with her younger sister.
“You remember that boy Jonathan Borca?” asked Devi one night.
“Yes.”
“Me, too.” Devi rolled over on her bed and was silent for a while.
“Remember Alonzo Mc…whatever his name was?” Sally laughed, remembering the portly little man. “He was the first guy I ever went all the way with. Man was he sweaty!”
They giggled.
“Sally?”
“Yeah?”
“I know you…are really proud of your job. But do you really like it?”
“Of course, silly!”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It’s good money.” She didn’t say anything more the whole night, and they put out the light and went to sleep.




As for Charlotte, she was reveling in having people to care for. “You’re like the daughters I never had!” she would exclaim, fussing over their clothes and teaching them how to mix perfect margaritas.
Every day they would spend time together while the men were in the library. They would make fancy dinners and beautiful cakes and the girls developed a taste for champagne. Sally and Devi’s opinions of Aunt Charlotte, however, differed.
Charlotte was always sweet to Sally, because she knew what it was like to lose a husband. Whatever Sally had to say, Charlotte was always there to say, “Why, I think you’re right.” The perverseness that had originally swayed Charlotte from Sally’s liking was less evident now that they had dwelled in the same household for some time.
However, Charlotte treated Devi quite differently. Maybe it was just her curiosity. Maybe she didn’t realize how uncomfortable she was making Devi. Maybe she thought Devi wanted to tell her everything about her life, despite her giving limited, polite answers, and sometimes even leaving the room in response to a question.
“Come now, Devi, dear.” Charlotte said, mixing smoke with bread dough as she kneaded it. “Why don’t you ever bear your soul to your aunt? You and that Duke fellow rarely speak anymore. Are you having trouble in your relationship?”
Devi was hitting her bread as if it were a punching bag. “I’m not in a relationship with that man. I told you a thousand, three thousand, times before. If I was, he’d be spending time with me instead of S− Charles.”
“Maybe he’s a homosexual. I heard that most Unfits are homosexual. What do you think about that?”
“Do you want to know what I think about that?” She stopped punching the bread, and wiped her hair out of her face. She left a streak of flour on her forehead.
“Yes, dear. You have a little something there.” Charlotte licked her finger and rubbed Devi’s head.
“I think it is a bunch of shit, that’s what I think.” Her jaw was clenched as she slapped the dough on the counter and started kneading again.
Charlotte laughed at her niece’s restrained response. “I guess…. Honey, you’re doing that bread all wrong.”
“Huh?” Sally looked up. “Oh.” Her dough was a runny mess.
“Here, put some more flour in it….Not that much…That’s good.” Charlotte began demonstrating how to knead, and spoke again to Devi. “Anyway…what I’ve been meaning to ask you ever since you got here is, well, are you ever treated differently just because you’re Unfit?”

kj why the fuck do you like me?

7/13/06
NOFX
sacramento
sleep train ampitheatre
i orgasm
don't call me white
the end

I Pledge A Grievance To The Flag Of The United States Of America
and To The Republicans Whom I Can't Stand
One Nation Under Smog
Indispicable
With Liberty For Just Us Not All

young as a circus parade
its a wonderful world!
pretty as pink lemonade
its a wonderful world!
life is a carnival, live it for all your worth
you are the star of the greatest show
on earth

this big wide world is a clown with his nose painted red
a rainbow colored balloon’s dancing high overhead
it’s everyone’s oyster, step up get your pearl
it’s a wonderful
wonderful
wonderful
wonderful world!!

then i put on billy joel and my dad sings along
and he tells me about when he first bought the album
and he talks about being in florida
and he asked some piano guy to play billy joel, but the piano guy didn't know it.
then the steak is done and i'm like MMM MEAT!

“I don’t think you can win” the war on terror. And even when the president tried to come back to, um, clarify those remarks today, he suggested some pretty serious change in the globe’s geopolitical climate would be required to get the job done. ``In this different kind of war, we may never sit down at a peace table. But make no mistake about it, we are winning and we will win,'' Bush said with his trademark grin. "We will win by staying on the offensive, we will win by spreading liberty.''

They're out to get you, better leave while you can
Don't wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it
You have to show them that you're really not scared
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare
They'll kick you, then they beat you
Then they'll tell you it's fair

"Their personal circumstances are good. They're feeling good about where they are. They don't like gas prices. Who likes having to pay more at the pump? But they do feel that overall the economy is good for them, that the prospects for their family in the near term and for the future are good," Rove said of Americans.


so kj came over
he's lovely
he's good to me

that bomb in las vegas has been postponed
Court papers filed by Pentagon and U.S. Energy Department lawyers say the Divine Strake test at the Nevada Test Site will be delayed by three weeks.
"The proposed detonation of Divine Strake will take place no earlier than June 23,"
hear that remo?
6/23/06

so kenneth james houpt is my favorite most loved person.
and i am wearing his sunglasses
and they are way too big.
and i want to go for a swim
and FUCK FUCK FUCK I AM SUNBURNED!!
rajklgjsighs ljgdslikhdgsfs
school tomorrow----double
>_<
this sucks because i did ZERO homework...again

19 more pages
i've gotten a pretty good idea of where the story's going from here.
After sally's baby is taken away for the schooling, the 2 aliens are going to realize what the Truffles are up to. (Making people ignorant is the way they take over)
then the aliens get in a fatty argument again, this time with s-- charles admitting that he does feel cowardly for not explaining everything during the "retirement speech" he was forced to make. and duke is going to admit that if he were king he would have been the same person sai was and if he never hit the bottom he never would have known the bottom existed.
They're going to come to an agreement about friendship at least until they die trying to overthrow the Truffles.
meanwhile, devi and sally, who have been horrible as sisters throughout, are finally going to learn what it's like to have someone to giggle with at night.
when things are looking up, sally will be taken away becuase we can't forget that she's a criminal prostitute who ran away from the House.
and i don't know, maybe s-- falls in love with her or something
yeah right, s--'s a badass.

so i've got that much down.
every time i write, i remember a little bit more of the story, and there's a little bit more information
uh done printing.

uh i'm printing out 25 pages worth of story rough draft, like up to the part where Chica numero uno has the baby. In the draft she's called sally but fucking i need to change that badly. i really hate the name sally...
i have like...a lot more just to type. like it's already written but it's amongst a bunch of stupid diary stuff like "oh today i drank" and "i met matt" and "psalm 109"
seriously
psalm one oh nine is the worst most horrible thing! it's lik god believe me and kill this guy and make his children and wife suffer and meanwhile i'll be praising you allright.
horrible!

and i have a sunburn.
i've never had a sunburn before.
ever.
and now i'm all pink and burned and its like OWW
and i feel like cussing at kj because maybe white is contagious
ahahha
no.
i blame the sun, and its wretched UV rays, and remo's bastard car without the top
WRSG HSOGHDSg sajg means horrible.

we's goin fishin
in lake michigan

I've been playing guitar for hella long, outside. Not so much playing guitar as singing along with it... i'm not a guitar player so my fingers are bleeding. I'm drunk.
i can't think about anything except kj.
oh my god.
god who must exist for bringing such a beautiful creature into this world. i mean it. i wish i were you just to see how you're doing. i wish i were with you so we could be screwing.
i love this boy so much. he's proof.
and sometimes i get so...scared that he's going to leave me for some other girl. or not even for some other girl, just leave ME. and if that were to happen there would be nothing i could do about it.
all i can do is enjoy what i have now. kisses between classes; rides home, where he says cecilia, touch my nipple and it's annoying and romantic at the same time: flapjack.
and part of me says I TOLD YOU FLAPJACK EXISTS!
and i strum the guitar and scream scream scream.
i scream about iraq. i scream about osama bin ladin and how i agree with him. i scream about being on probation. i scream about how God must exist if kj is an angel and i met his dad in juvenile hall. i scream about how fucked i am for getting drunk. i scream about how i'm not really that fucked up, so i won't get punished. i scream about how my name is cecilia, but people call me ceci and i don't really know why. I scream about this boy that has blue eyes and blonde hair and i even scream about how lame i feel for screaming about a boy. and i'm strumming the same thing over and over because i'm not a guitar player.
and i say mark i miss you now
i say mark now that i need you, now that i'm ready to sing while you play, you're not here to play for me.
i scream i love you but there's only so much i can take
i whisper i love you but there's only so much i can take
i say their names: remo victoria mark ortiz mother dearest.
i cry i love you but there's only so much i can take
i say, there's a court order keeping me here: the worst place i can be.
i open my eyes very wide and i suck on my bleeding fingers.
i'm not an alcoholic, because i feel no need to drink any more. and i'm barely buzzing right now. i'm in the perfect mood for a melody. everything is a song. everything is real.
i wish kj were around because he can play guitar.
even though i highly doubt my wretched singing would go at all with his guitar playing, i'd love to create some kind of whackass shit with him.
what sucks is that i'm only comfortable with singing when i'm drunk. and what sucks even more is that i think i'm pretty good, actually, but no one will ever know because i'm giving up the drinking idea.
by now i figure kj and eli are home.
while i was swimming at jareds i was thinking how grand it was that i was having a good time and so was he. roxxy and victoria were topless and i was drinking whiskey with juice for a chaser. and, of course, it was jared's juice so it was pure and natural.
and at first i was like oh my god i have to drink more oh god i must drink MORE but then i chilled out and i'd say i handled myself very well. i only drank like two shots more than i originally poured myself.
i remember every second of the night.
no blacking out.
i feel kind of bad because when we got home i went straight outside with the guitar and became kind of antisocial, but remo and victoria were naked so i didn't really want to be inside anyway. and GOD was i on a roll! i was singing!!!
do you understand!
i haven't sang since march, not really anyway.
it was like... it heightened my spirit.
so so what if everyone else is asleep and i've been antisocial.
i feel fantastic.
i feel like putting my hand out and touching the worlds heart, just to see how it's beating. i feel like diving into a volcano. i feel like how eyes go up and down before you kiss someone. i feel like a surprise party. i feel like running a mile. i feel like gold. i feel platinum.
i feel like i had a great day.
it's just been a really good day.
i went to school late and was excused by my friend the librarian.
i talked to my love, and we kissed.
i ran a mile.
i went to the river with roxanne and lara.
i played red faction and got my ass kicked by victoria and roxxy.
i swam in jareds pool with frogs.
i got drunk for the first time in like a month.
i sang.
it was like the most loveliest day of my life.
life has just been improving since i got out of juvie.
i expect a stockmarket crash soon, but lately it's been so great...i feel like this is how life is supposed to be.
and i'm even thanking god for it.
and i'm smiling up and i'm saying i know you're listening sir!
but...osama bin ladin said that allah was backing 9/11. (bush says god is backing him, but bush is an idiot who doesn't understand the beam/speck idea so he can go to hell and probably will if you agree with "jesus") and if allah is backing 9/11 then why does he even bother to make signs for me? but what if i'm seeing a forest among the trees. or vice versa.
oh! confused!
there's no way to confirm anything so why do we even bother!?
there's no way to confirm Hey i love kj.
there's no way to confirm that debris from 2 falling buildings couldn't collapse another steel building.
i don't want to go to sleep.
i wish i had someone to talk to.
  :( ro's asleep
the rest are as well
i wish duke michigan were here
i wonder how the show was
i wish kj would come over and be my friend. and we could talk about all this stupid shit that i wonder if he'd even care about. and i would hold him close because he's the most important person i've ever met. and maybe he'd have some answer to what the hell?. and maybe it would be hilarious. and maybe i'd give him a kiss. and maybe he would look at me and see that this girl is in love with him?
and i'm human and i'm cecilia.
and i'm lost and i'm confused.
and i'm lonely and i'm bored.
and i'm awake and i'm tired.
and i'm drunk and i'm upset.
and i'm excited for no reason.
i saw robert today. he looked exactly the same. for a second i had this weird urge to kiss him. then we hugged and he was like what's up? and i was like not much, we were just swimming, what's up with you? and he was like nothing.
and my lips were purple from grape gum. and then he left.
i feel like killing myself just to have a reason to be so excited!
i feel like screaming.
but everyone is asleep and i must be quiet
oh i hate this.
i am sorry i left roxxy while i screamed, but it really was necessary.
i'm not tired enough to sleep but i'm tired enough to yawn.


earlier me and ro were talking about kj and i was playing piano and she said she thinks hes depressed and i flubbed all my notes and she was making chocolate milk and i was messing up fur elise and i decided oh my god i'm going to call kj just to remember he's not depressed Right Now and just to make sure he's okay and just to make sure he remembers that there's a girl living in cool,california that is completely in love with him.
but joan answered and said "he's out for the night"
and i said "thank you"
and we hung up at the same time.


i think i love him.

Escapism is mental diversion by means of entertainment or recreation, as an "escape" from the perceived unpleasant aspects of daily reality.

Escapism has occurred constantly throughout time. Some believe that this diversion is more inherent in today's urban, technological existence because it de-facto removes people from their biologically normal natures. Entire industries have sprung up to foster a growing tendency of people to remove themselves from the rigors of daily life. Principal amongst these are fiction literature, sports, films, television, roleplaying games, pornography, recreational drugs, the internet and computer games. Many activities that are normal parts of a healthy existence (e.g., eating, exercise, sexual activity) can also become avenues of escapism when taken to extreme.

In the context of being taken to an extreme, the word 'escapism' carries a negative connotation, suggesting that escapists are unhappy souls, with an inability or unwillingness to connect meaningfully with the world.

Some social critics warn about attempts by the "powers" that "control" society to provide means of escapism instead of actually bettering the condition of the people. In one of the interpretations of the famous quote by Karl Marx "Religion is the opium of the people", religion (particularly religions that promise an afterlife) is presented as escapism that distracts the oppressed. Others may dispute the implication that any one group is in charge of society, and argue that means of escapism are provided by the market to those who desire a form of "escape." Two fictional escapist societies are the Eloi of The Time Machine and the one in Fahrenheit 451, focused in visual entertainment.

However, there are some who challenge the idea that escapism is fundamentally and exclusively negative. For instance, J.R.R. Tolkien, responding to the Anglo-Saxon academic debate on escapism in the 1930's, wrote in his essay "On Fairy-Stories" that escapism had an element of emancipation in its attempt to figure a different reality. His friend, C.S Lewis was also fond of remarking that the usual enemies of escapism were jailers.

A German social philosopher Ernst Bloch wrote that utopias and images of fulfillment, however regressive they might be, also included an impetus for a radical social change. According to Bloch, social justice could not be realized without seeing things fundamentally differently. Something that is mere 'daydreaming' or 'escapism' from the viewpoint technological-rational society might be a seed for a new and more humane social order, it can be seen as an "immature, but honest substitute for revolution".

http://www.fema.gov/pdf/library/fema403_ch5.pdf

i'm going to netfuck everyone thats ordering these shitty netflix. i'm going to order the exact opposite of the crap they want. and it is going to be great.
and i'm gonna laugh

also
i haven't stopped eating since i got home
and from the looks of things i'm not going to stop anytime soon.
yum yum yum
food
happitai castle
amerikadesu
i'm going home now i'm going home
rfrahhhh

i met matt
hes cute

i want to get drunk rawr tomorrow is running tomorrow is roxanne tomorrow is a desk and i dont' even know why
tomorrow is not me drunk
and it is not philly
and i thank god for that
hallowed be thy name
RAAHEWRGSHSJKH TGE!
fuck this

i'm so sick of being real.

who the hell is ordering these netflix.
more V, and thirteen ghosts. it's like who cares?
and tomorrow i'm staying after school to run run run run
because cecilia berry will not stand for a D in p.e.
pringles cheezums are addictive.
i love water
i want dairy queen
i'm hungry all the time
i named him duke michigan and he will be my first son, besides glen.
i'm having a little trouble with it, but i just need to remember the whole story, then there it is, bound in white.
and green.
i have billy joel stuck in my head again.
my stomach hates cheezums.
i can't stop eating them
maybe they go to a brothel?
woah hitlers on tv
fuck hitler i've read a shitload on him. he's twice as boring as Prince Duke Edward Michigan
i love him already

really.

okay so            cd = 10.00
              poster = 1.00
           california tax = .94
              shipping = 2.00  

grand total= 13.94
i'm sure she won't miss it.

i'm battling my inner demons
nofx has for sale wolves in wolves clothing for ten dollars AND if you buy it online you get some free junk, a sticker and some keychains. at the store it was 13.99. and although i don't have ten dollars any more than i don't have 13.99, my mother does. and yesterday she gave me her credit card pin so's i could get some money out for her.
and...i really really really really want it.
it's only ten dollars. :(
of course, that doesn't include shipping and handling.
and the fact that while i'm at it i'm going to get a poster.
and a shirt.
and everything else then we'll be broke one day and my mom will go WHere did all the money go?
and there's this truck comes up and unloads fat mike.
and he's like where do you want me?
arghg

poo.

i don't know the credit card number anyway
i'll just be a good little monkey and place my order and go penny-searching like i did for glen. then send a money order and be patient.

There's an old man sitting next to me
Making love to his tonic and gin
He says, "Son, can you play me a memory?
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes"