whole big long story:
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

fucking remo and victoria
and mom
my mother just worsens things
and she's like bugging me
and she thinks that vico is going to break up, run away, and remo's going to kill himself all because of one stupid fight
so she gets all overdramatic

so now remo is saying 'If your wife isn't sucking your dick, you'll have some problems'
and so his idea is that blowjobs is the number one thing in a relationship
and victoria goes,, that's why you and kj have a good relationship
and i'm like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we have a good relationship because we're relatively normal
and remos like i'm gonna be the one bringing home the bacon
and i'm like arug oishdo;shsidhgldshf;dsjgd
NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aajgds g sggsaj
i want to get OUT of here

I just want a cigarette. What’s funny is that tomorrow, in thirty minutes, it will be perfectly legal for me to go out and buy a pack, but right now its like HEX!!!
I was on one of those searches, and I looked in the fridge, and I was like Hey, there’s a beer right here. But it was like…what do I want with beer? I want a cigarette.
Why?
So I can have something to do while I feel bad about myself, which I’m not even good at anymore.
And I feel old.
And my mom thinks I’m going to “turn gay.”
hagh slgsghjfisdg
wdgzsdfjds ;
i hate everything

okay so in 7 days i'm 18.
okay so tomorrow is probation meeting.
duke michigan is bringing me down.
because who arrests one twin but not the other if they're both guilty of the same crime?
well, hello, devi didn't really run away because she's not important.
so maybe they're...out on the streets.
and S-- and Sally totally get in a fight. (because they're doing it, remember?) and so he's like what the fuck, are yous screwing the mailman? and she's like You crazy fuck i'm going to go this way. (because she's in the habit of walking away when things don't go her way---devi and her have that in common...or maybe they shouldn't...but she has to walk away otherwise she won't get arrested because sai will protect her.)
okay so anyway she's like you're nuts, i'm better off on my own or with the mailman, even.
and he's like fine SCREW THE MAILMAN FOR ALL I CARE!!!
and angrily he sits down all crosslegged and his chin is in his hand
pissed off
and then she shrieks
and he jumps up
and there's horses hooves' pounding
and she's engulfed in darkness.
gone.

don't you love how every moment, to george bush, is "a critical time in american history"?
it's kind of like yeah...that's because our president is the idiot son of an asshole.
then i start singing nofx
keep writing about duke michigan
smile and wave...
i miss kj.

dude what the fuck does bush care about the constitution?
he's over there calling it a goddamn peice of paper, then he's over here saying oh we should change the constitution so gays can't get married.
and all the conservatives are like GO BUSH all over again
because obviously fags wanting to be married is more important than everything else
---war in iraq
---fucking gas prices
---unemployment rates
---shithole economy
good fucking job george
i'm fucking proud to be a terrorist.

"I believe society's interests are met by saying — defining marriage as between a man and a woman. That's what I believe."
Bush said a marriage amendment in the Constitution was "necessary because activist courts have left our nation with no other choice."
"Marriage is the most fundamental institution of civilization and it should not be redefined by activist judges," he said. "You are here because you strongly support a constitutional amendment that defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. And I am proud to stand with you."



i love how gay marriage is obviously the number one top threat at this moment of American history.

did you know that dick cheneys daughter is a lesbian?

Your natural confidence may be circumvented by an age old doubt. This tiny voice inside you is only trying to protect your fragile heart. Be gentle, but go ahead in spite of your fear.
Horoscope June 5th 2006
________________________________________

today will be a lonely day.
nobody is going to be at home.
i will clean and listen to elvis.
i will tell the story of duke michigan.
i have to walk home.
it is going to be hot.
i hate weight training but there are only a few more days anyway.
then i don't ever have to play philly again.
did i spell that right, even?

anyway today will be the day that i've been waiting for, where i don't do shit.
yes yes yes
and the rats and i will have a party
and i will play guitar
and wish i had two more strings
and probably curse and go what the fuck is the point of 4 strings only!?
but mostly have a party
okay i hate library aiding.
3 more days.

i am going to legalize marijuana.
i am going to change the way we are educated.
i am going to be somebody.
maybe i won't be anybody important.
but that doesn't change a thing.
no way am i going to sit here and do nothing.
i might not do anything but i'm not doing nothing.
is trying
is working
is maybe a waste of time
is maybe a waste of thought
but so is abracrombie and fitch

there's this graduation thing giong on

mushrooms
shhh

OKAY SO HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT THINGS:::
. traveling abroad
. japanese language as for learn is
. graduation ceremony
. social security number for assessment test results
. study mathematics over the summer
. call probation
. make sure that apology letter isn't too rude after second review
. duke michigan lacks continuity
. senior picnic
. modeling

mmmkay
so i rearranged a lot of the story and i figured out where the baking scene goes (before joe jr is taken)
and i know what happens next
okayyyf sgsjh;gjsiodjgs!!!
here.>>
so then shit shit shit they find out dear gods lots of crap is happneing
and they go to see the great one but he's not ther but he says somthing is hapning
and what do you know fuckin sai charles is king again
and he starts a fuckin war oh my god
and he sends joe jr back who's like six now
and then he's a coward and he tell them where the secret soldiers are
but florgs man, all we have to do is get them on our side and we're set.
boom BOOM boom
DEAD EARTH

lots of homework to do.
i wish i had coricidin
i'm at the point where its like hey the last two days i've been fucked up, i might as well make it last.
but then...nobody likes me when i'm on coricidin
but hey at least i like myself!
and uh..
i'm bored

so omigod theirs this dance comming up!
and i want to go to the nail place on the corner!
not the one with that crazy white chick?
but the one with the aisian lady?
and pedis and manis are only 20 dolers?
and im goign to buy such a cute outfit with my new credit card!
and oh myg od i so totlaly hope eric asks me?
becasue he is sooo cute.
and last week he said i was smart
and i totally am so i hope he asks me

something something skater boi
she said see you later boi
he wasn't good enough for her

i LOVE avril lavign!

okay.
so i dont know where they're going from there.
so they go to the home planet where they meet the great one.
then what?
so there's a war led by S--
and it's holy shit
and in a brilliant flash of light, all is well

it's hard to remember to be logical

oh i'm in a sea of troubles
what a heap of bullshit
i'd like to give it away
but there's no one to give it to
and who could i trust it to
hey! i live in a shithole!
HEY MR JUDGE YOU PUT ME HERE
hey mr judge i have the best home in the world
hey judge i'd rather be back in juvenile hall
i mean...the food was good
the laws were obvious
what was there to worry about?
you could read all day
the only problem was that you cant write
... think you can write in jail?
whatever i'm stuck here
whatever i'm stuck here
living in a memory-- marks room
and i put some of my things in there, but that doesn't make it my room, because hey hey hey hey hey its marks room
and i'm stuck here
with these people who don't understand eachother
and without the one person who i did understand
and even though he was making alcohal accessable, he helped me a lot.
i wish i could run away and live alone.
without pressures from anyone to look good or to feel good or to eat good.
i wish i could run away and live alone.
so i don't have to wonder what someone else wants
i wish money wasn't a problem
i'd be outta this world
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish repeating helped.
i wish i knew what would help them.
i know what helps me.
i know that i can sit here and i'll feel perfect because i'm writing i know that if shit goes down i can read the bible and, stupid as that is, it will comfort me because the words are the same ones i read in juvie. and i can remember that things could be worse.
but what about them?
why can't i help them?
why can't i understand what drove remo to bash his hand against the wall in the first place.
and instead of talking about it, my mom just puts on the tv
and they're gone to the hospital
and mark went to college, he wasn't even coming over here
and i was afraid he would be mad that i took his room
but we were going to trade anyway
and i'm on fuckin dxm
and its good
but its bad
and i can't believe i don't know what i'm doing
i thought i had it all in place
but everything keeps shifting.
that's why sometimes when i'm SUPER happy i just want to...die. quit while i'm ahead.
because everytime it just gets worse
hey check it out
i have psoriasis
i never quit smoking
i never quit taking DXM
obviously

falhds k!!!!
FUCK
i'm gonna write some dukey
i've figured out a whole bunch of it but right now, actually, its kind of overwhelming
i think instead i'll just..sleep.
sounds good
fuck weddings
what the fuck? what was i wearing
fuck disneyland
rawr i can't wait for disneyland no drugs no anger just..like




fun.

what is fun?
what is a billy goat?
and what the hell is a bing?

this is so fucked up
why does shit always happen to me when i'm happy?
and god says because silly you were happy because you were on drugs. punishment= remo goes to hospital
what a fucking story
what a fucking life
i can't even stand it sometimes
i want to call kj but uhm i feel retarded
it's like...mark is gone, okay? and he called over here for my mom and victoria said she isn't here. and so he hung up. and she called him back and told him not to be disrespectful. then he got pissed and said remo you know what your bra said to me? and remo was like defensive of course. so mark said he's going to come over here and kick remo's ass. and so remo got hella pissed too and he punched the wall (i don't know which wall) and now his hand is all broken or at the very least swollen very nasty-like.
and so we come home all frantic and i'm like oh great. why does this not come as a surprise?
why is it that every time something bad happens, it is not a surprise. it's like oh, again? what? mark got a DUI? what? car crash? what? you kicked mark out? what? remo's cutting himself? what? WHAT THE FUCK it's not a surprise, it's like... oh yeah? that's gay.
it's like...what the hell? that's weird,
it's like dude i know my family is fucked up but this is getting a little old. that's what it's like.
it's lame.
its fucking lame.
i have a lame home.
i have a lame family,
i am lame
fuck lame
LAME FUCKING LAME
goash gishjsfgljuhesgfj;okjk; a
and fuck duke michigan too
and i, stupid!!! oh i'm going to take this vics shit
yeah right it didn't even work i just vomited and felt kinda cool for a while
i have another bottle but i'd just feel lame if i took it in response to this
but it wouldn't be in response to this it would be like...like..if i don't take it it'll just go to waste because i already took 30 ml from the bottle so that's like...118 - 30 = how much there is less which is less than 8 pills. less than 6 probably 5.89.
which is like woah take it immediately
but this whole experience is telling me
a whisper
cecilia
stay sober
i say yeah but woah
woah woah woah no way could drugs make me happy
but they could give me something to do while i wait for something else to happen.
with duke michigan.
with
oh my god.
i feel like shit.
i feel alone?
oh fuck this shit how boring.
i'm gonna drink me some more vix.
and hope for no more vomit
and ew i hate botox
and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
rawr
good day.
good day sucks.

1. i feel perfect
2. i can stand it
3. i love everything
4. i believe in miracles
5. i went to juvenile hall
6. i ate a baked potatoe
7. 5.39 is the new price
8. i don't invest
9. senior trip
10. i have a new room
11. vomiting is a part of life, that's why the world spins so much
12. i like to rearrange words
13. hiking is not fun
14. i wish i could sew
15. i like the taste of come
16. i want high heels
17. loud = virtue
18. he called me boistrous
19. the combine got me
20. i can be your hero baby
21. legal drinking age
22. don't call me white
23. i want that tattoo life/death
24. mark isn't going to my graduation. his exact words: "Fuck no! i ain't going to that shit!"
25. i like to party
26. i like to read
27. i want to be a part of the revolution, or at least a part of NSA
28. your tax dollars go to.... now the government knows you did not call your mother on mothers' day
29. mushrooms grow out of shit, and truffles are mushrooms. in the darkest most nasty area there you are--- mushrooms! government! and all the fairies hide underneath them saying oh dear truffle protect me. yeah right.
30. i've been to heaven and i prefer it to earth
31. my name is not madison mckenzie
32. kj is real
34. i cannot spin my head all the way around.
35. numbers make me sick
36. i like blue
37. shiny cars can be annoying
38. what do i do with the bathtub?
39. we are addicted to oil
40. have they arrested dick cheney yet?
41. ordo de chao
42. feminine nature
43. what is a bitch?
44. when someone comes over to you and smacks you in the face, do you fight back or do you reposition yourself so he can hit you on both sides?
45. does anybody really have faith in god?
46. does god really have faith in us?
47. i wish i could understand some things.





dear god stop i've tried prayers and i've tried letters stop so i'll try a telegram now stop i know that you have some crazy plan and it involves me staying home for five months and its wrong of me to ask what the point is stop but seriously stop what's the point stop

one time my dad goes "i think there should always be something at the very end of the movie,"
"why?"
"so if you stay through the whole credits, you get a surprise"