nothing really happened at school today. the only thing interesting is this poem we read. it was about a kid who wanted to be himself but just couldnt because of modern society. the kid who wrote it killed himself two weeks after he wrote it. it really got to me. it really made me think. when i find the paper, ill quote it. other than that, ive been doing the usual hanging out at richards house after school.

p.s. (for my last entry)... this one really good artist in my art class said my painting was beautiful. he was sincerely amazed by it. he was just standing there, staring at it. it seemed like he was relating to it. i felt so good! my art affects someone on a psychological level!

i didnt really do anything today. i just went to school, got lots of anime character comments (i had my hair like sailor moon's), came home, and then went to richards. i learned how to play some songs by nightwish on my keyboard. im not very good at playing them, though.

i didnt go to richards house. when my dad got back, i asked him and he started yelling. he acted like it was something at his expense to take me over to richards house. then he started saying that its ridiculous that its so important to me. why wouldnt it be that important to me? i love richard more than anyone seems to understand. i spend every day with him and i dont see whats wrong with that. we've been together for 6 months. of course, my dad thinks all kids are the same and that ill dump richard when i find someone "hotter" or :cooler." if only he saw me as a real person. he just sees another kid. im not even special to him as a daughter. i know this because he thinks so much better of his friends kids than he does of me. his friends kids are total jerks. one of them stopped talking to me once school started because i wasnt "cool" enough for him. if only he would listen to me and take me seriously. no one takes me seriously. he thinks its cute or funny that im trying to act like a "grown up" when, really, im not putting on an act and im a lot more mature the he'll ever take the chance to find out. every time he says he loves me, i know he doesnt mean it. how could he? he doesnt love me. he doesnt know me. he doesnt know a thing about me. he said that, if i didnt "drop the attitude" (excuse me for being upset) that i wouldnt be allowed to see richard anymore. if he loves me like he says he does, he wouldnt threaten to take away the most important thing to me. if he cared about my life, he wouldnt threaten my reason to live. he must not understand. i feel like no one understands how much i love richard. sure, that sounds idealistic, like fairytale romance. though, sometimes is wonder if its really a good thing when it comes to the real world. imeasurable love sounds wonderful, but its so frusterating when no one takes you seriously about it. honestly, what good is declaring your love for someone when everyone thinks its just a joke? am i a joke? is everything i live for a joke? i guess it must be. every day, i wear the necklace richard bought me for christmas. i dont take it off. i havent so much as checked out another guy since august. does that sound like im joking? does that sound like your average, socially-based high school relationship? honestly, if i was like that, richard would be gone by now. you know, most of those couples only spend a couple hours together on the weekends. i spend every day with richard. his family takes us seriously and has accepted me as a part of their family, although richard and i arent married yet. i just dont know whyy i cant be takien seriously. i know im only 16, but if he cant look past that, which one of us is the child here?

so... i just got home from school and made myself a sandwich. richards phone isnt working and my dads out getting a tattoo (which is why im online.) i wore a miniskirt today and i kept getting whistled at. i hate that kind of attention. it embarasses me. it makes me feel low, like im just a sex object. i wish people would see me and think "shes an intelligent person" or "i respect her" rather than "what a nice set of legs" or "i want to do her." i wish it could be like my old school where everyone thought i was dorky and ugly. sure, it sounds like a weird request, but at least i knew people werent going to use me for their social status. no one thought i was cool or pretty. i was nobody, and i liked it that way.

nothing new, really. i went to richards house. i learned how to make pancakes and richard played baten kaidos. if i get my allowance, im $20 into paying for my new boots.

stayed home from school all day. cleaned. i was singing rhapsody and nightwish while i was cleaning. my window was open while i was doing this, so im sure my neighbors dont excatly love me now. im just waiting for my dad to get done spraying some ant killer crap outside and then im going to richards house.

first diary entry!this is going to have a long biography in it. if you dont like drama, you might want to stay clear of my diary. tehn again, i have so many online diaries that on one reads. as if im going to keep up with this diary... i have about 2 journals on 2 sites that i started months ago and they both only have an entry or two. oh well... im bored as of right now, so i might was well write. i spent the day at richard's (my boyfriend) house. hes so cute. i love him so much. i got hom around 9:00. when i walked in the door, i was in for a pleasant suprise. my dad said "what are you doing home so early?" and i was like "school night...duh?" and he was like "not according to the schedule." ao, anyway, we found ot the school had cancelled the inservice day and scheduled a regular school day. my dad got pissed that the school didnt inform him of this. so he let me stay home. yay! finally. ive had perfect attendance for the past 6 weeks and ive been leaping at any chance to get a day off. im so happy. i have to clean my room and my bathroom, though. i would much rather clean than go to that horrible place. im not trying to sound like every other teeneager, but i hate school. i sincerely hate it. i want to get out of it as soon as possible. unfortunately, i plan on going to college, so i have to more years stuck there. its like the principal tries to make it into a living nightmare. not to mention, the people there arent much consolation. they are the stupidest, loudest, more ignorant, rudest people that ive ever been around. even when theyre not saying anything directly to me, their presence just irks the hell out of me. the only thing mildly pleasant about school is the fact that richard and mariam (one of my best friends) are in my piano class. i love it because we dont even have to do anything in that class. dont get me wrong, i love playing piano, but i just took the class for an easy credit. so basicly, we sit there and talk about what kind of weird things people did or said. since school takes up my entire day, tahts all i have to talk about, anymore. i cant wait until this summer. i could get a job, afford everything ive always wanted, have all day to myself, and even see my best friend, marychelle. god, i miss her. ive known her for 5 years and i havnet seen her for almost a year. she might come to visit me for a while over the summer. i cant wait. we used to have so much fun together, and, when i think about it, i miss it so much that i want to cry. basicly, i lived with my mom since my parents got divorced 9 years ago. it was ok for a while. it was just my mom and my sister. i didnt get to see my dad much, but my mom was trying hard. then, she got depressed and wanted a new boyfriend. thats when the trouble started. she started going out with strange men and didnt say when she was coming back. her boyfriends were always such losers. i hated them so much and i wanted them as far away from me as possible. they were so low and creepy. i was always thinking of ways to break their relationship with my mom. though, i knew that, when one left, there was just going to be another one. the worst part was, i felt like i had no one to turn to. i never had any real friend. for the first 11 years of my life, every friend i had either left me or was secretly planning to kill me. i was truly alone. finally, when i was 11, i made a friend. it was marychelle. she was always there for me when i was going through hard times in my life. between crazy psycho stalker ex boyfriends of my moms and being ostracized by the other kids at school, i was a mess. finally, when i was in 8th grade, my social and home life were starting to calm down. then jeff came. my moms new boyfriend. i hate him more than i knew possible. words can never describe my hate for that worm. i used to want to kill him, but my hate for him grew beyond that. i just wanted to make his life a hell worse than death. unfortunately, this was hardly possible. he was never around, although he supposedly lived with us. he always went out drinking with "the guys" who happened to be in the mafia. he was a cocaine addict and a horrible alcoholic. he had stashes of marijuana and porn tapes hidden in my basement. when i had a school assignment due the next day, i would often have to wait for him to be done "watching the game" before i could go down into the basement and type it. sometimes, this meant after midnight. of course, he wasnt "watching the game," he was jacking off to porn. his bad behavior started showing up in my mom. she would leave without telling us, keep her phone off, and not come back until 3:00 in the morning or even th next day. she hid things from us. she came home drunk at least 3 nights a week. she left us home on holidays before. then, she got verybally abusive. the more and more the hated my dad, the more she hated me. i remind her of him. every time she looked at me, she saw him. i was just a big dissapointment. it was always different for my sister. shes just like my mom. my mom loves her. for years, i planned on moving out and living with my dad, but never got to do it. it got to the point where i was fighting with my mom every night. i was on strong dossages of antidepressants. they didnt help. they just made everything confusing. i got to the point where i wanted to kill myself. i knew i wasnt supposed to live like that. no one deserves to be treated like that. no one should have to feel that much hate. at the end of the school year last year, i left my mom and moved in with my dad. it was hard leaving my friends. since my antidepressant had me acting like a total crackhead by day, i had a lot of false friends who i put false trust in. once i moved to tennessee, i lost most of my "friends" from my old school. i was sad for a while, but i realized that they arent my friends. they knew how to contact me. they could stay in touch if they wanted. the thing is, they just didnt care that much. i only had one "friend" here and he turned out to be a real jerk. his name was jessi. at first it seemed like he liked me a lot. my dad and his dad were urging us to be more than just friends. although i tried my hardest to convine myself that i had no reason not to like him, i knew i didnt love him. i knew he wasnt someone who would love me. after school started, i met richard. he was so perfect. i called jessi one day and asked if he knew richard. at the time, i didnt know richards name or anything about him. i had just said hi and complimented his eyeliner. i described him to jessi. jessi said "oh yea... thats "the crow"" and then started laughing. apparently, someone had missinformed jessi. i could tell richard was way too smart for that, or at least i hoped he was. i ended up liking richard... a lot. things were going great with richard and i. we became really good friends. as for jessi... not so great. i didnt hear from him for about a month. then he invited me to his birthday party. i think his dad made him invite me. it was awkward. jessi shunned me because i was good friends with richard (jealous much?) and i almost started crying. i left the party early after two hours of sitting alone while everyone else had fun. i havent spoken to him since then. i was sad because i used to think he was really my friend. then, my sadness grew to anger and hatred for him. im so angry at myeslf for believing him. i just hate how people can turn on me so quickly. anyway, things were looking better and better with richard and i. finally, on october 30th, i broke the ice and asked if i was his girlfriend. he said "uh... i guess so..." and then he kissed me. it was my first kiss. it was so beautiful. i almost cried. then, we kissed for about 3 more hours. it was so amazing.since then, my love for richard has grown more and more each day. that is only a small part of what you have to know about me, but oh well. im not realy going to go into detail with anything else unless it affects my life again. ahyway... its way past my bedtime. i need some sleep now. bye ^_^