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jason is visiting tomorrow. i think richards suspicious or jealous or something. heh... me and jason? like that? ew... not if my life depended on it. not to mention the fact that i invited richard to hang out with us... eh, whatever... i just feel like richards really pissed. the last few i time i talked to him, i felt like i was annoying him. i thought i was gonna hang out with him today. its quarter after 9 and he isnt home from hanging out with his other frinds from yesterday... i really hope i dont have to live like this for the rest of the summer. is it really too much to ask to be able to hang out with one of my best friends that i havent seen in a year? honestly, i dont think i should have to feel guilty for that. anyway... im sick of it all... i would go to bed if i wasnt hopelessly waiting with the phone for richard to call. heh... like thats gonna happen.
richard got ark of naphistym yesterday! its cool so far. nothing else happened.
the bus never came today and my stepmom didnt feel like driving me to school. i know i would rather be home than at school, but im still really bored.
i got sent home from school today because i let my childish emotions interfere with my reasoning. i kept getting hit in the face with a basketball (god.... how i hate gym class...) and, about the 5th time, some girl named "muffin" started laughing. usually i would have kept quiet, but i was having a bad day. i was tired, i was already annoyed of her just from watching her, and i have a phobia of random objects hitting me. instead of just letting it go, i said "i just got hit in the face. that isnt anything you should be laughing at. that isnt funny." and she said it was and then threatened to hit me again. of course, she was in my face and i was already on edge from having the ball hit me. i was so stressed out. i felt like i was going to explode. when i get hit with something, i need a few minutes to calm down or anything can upset me. well, to make a long story short, i couldnt find out the girls name and she made a big deal and i got sent up to the office in tears. my was so upset. i was hysterical for literally an hour. she just wouldnt stop threatening me. i know i shouldnt have taken seriously, but it was the first time anyone has seriously threatened to hurt me and i was scared. ive never been in a physical confrontation. i dont want to be. i avaid it at all costs. in fact, i wouldnt know what to do if i was in a confrontation because i havent learned any self defense. im glad i didnt get in a fight. anyway, muffin tried to say that i called her some things and said some things that i didnt say. the principal believed me over her. i got sent home for being to upset to go on for the rest of the day. then, i went fishing with richard. there was a three foot catfish swimming around in the small stream. it was weird. we didnt catch it, though. on the way back, i picked flowers and meant to draw them later. i love flowers. theyre so beautiful. we were almost back to richard's house and we found a bird. it couldnt fly. we took it in a put it in a birdcage. it was very docile. i perched right on richard's hand. so... after a while, we went out to dinner. i saw some kid from school at the restaurant. that was the first time ive seen anyone from school oustide of school. its kind of awkward when some kid from your first period class says hi to you when youre out on a date, but oh well. it didnt really bother me.
its my sister's birthday today! i didnt get to talk to her, though. i told her i would call her at 10:00 (9:00 where i live) but she didnt answer. i hope she doesnt hold this against me. if her mother has her way, then shan will definately hate me for this...
my ear!!!!!!!!!!!
im still sick and its still rainy. im going stir crazy. i havent left the house in days. i havent had a hug in days. im gonna die.
its been a few days since ive been on elftown (sorry) so i havnet had an entry in a while. anyway, two days ago, i broke my finger in gym class. the doctor tried to give me some gigantic splint. my finger is barely fractures. im not wearing it. my finger doesnt even hurt, its just a little bit swollen. also, i have the flu really bad. lucky me, huh? so im suck home from school. its a nasty, rainy day, too. god... my throat hurts. i can barely talk. im stuck home alone until late at night, too. the only good part of today was the fact that i got to sleep in.
im so sick of school. i cant stand everyone. they run around yelling "shee keesha!" and their double F sized breasts fly all over the place. they try to put on a cute act and flirt with my boyfriend and they try to bother me when and only when im obviously not in a good mood. also, someone was saying that richard and i carry guns with us. that is entirely not true and it could get us in a lot of trouble. god, im so sick of it.
im so sick of school. i cant stand everyone. they run around yelling "shee keesha!" and their double F sized breasts fly all over the place. they try to put on a cute act and flirt with my boyfriend and they try to bother me when and only when im obviously not in a good mood. also, someone was saying that richard and i carry guns with us. that is entirely not true and it could get us in a lot of trouble. god, im so sick of it.
nothing happened today. i cleaned my room. i went to richards. he tried to teach me how to play guitar. i didnt like it. then, i came home and ate cookies.
ick... some perv Pmed me and said "you see erotic... whats up girly?" now, my username has "i love richard" written right next to it. i have a picture of richard under the picture of me. i talk about him in my description. shouldnt it be obvious taht im taken? honestly... that is ridiculous that he would think to Pm me with such words. i told him that i was offended that he would call me erotic and call me girly. to me, girly was derogitory. also, who the hell calls a stranger a pet name? that is totally inapropriate. i told him that. he said that it was a "gesture of friendship." to hell it was! i know what he was looking for. he just had to make me out to be the bad guy so that any flaw in his actions wouldnt be exposed. he wanted me to feel guilty. then, he said that someone who cant accept a nice gesture should leave. who the hell is he to say i need to leave? honestly, i think "you seem like a good person. im <insert name here>" would be a "gesture of friendship." what he said sounded more like a sexual invite. he also said "is it possible that i didnt know you had a boyfriend?' well, no, that shouldnt have been possible. like i said, as soon as you see my username, it says "i love richard" and then theres a bunch of richard blah blah blah. honestly, if he read enough about me to make a judgement on what kind of a person i am, he had to have known i had a boyfriend. he probably looked at my picture and said that. i still dont get it. the one he saw must have been the close up of my face, looking down. it wasnt the least bit sexual. after he said that i should leave elftown, he made a comment about people like me being the problem with america. ironic, isnt it? he Pms me with a perverted message without any inforn=mation about me other than my looks and then gets all pissy when i get offended. of course i got offended. the problem with america today is that people dont have any respect for anyone else. i think he is a perfect example of that. honestly, who calls a stranger with a boyfriend "erotic" and gives her a pet name. that is completely uncalled for.
no! my hair is so dried out today! i wish i either didnt get bored so quickly or had a better natural hair color. i bleached the living hell out of my hair and its all breaking off and falling out. i dont know what to do. its a big, frizzy mess. i spent the day at richards house. i taught his sister how to put a sppon on her nose.i found out that i had saved up two dollars in nickels. wow... i really am poor. oh well...now i only have $59 until i can afford my new boots. other than that, no drama for today. the only thing amazing about today was that i tried hot and sour soup for the first time. i think im addicted. its so yummy. wow... if im keeping a diary, maybe i should write about something that someone would care about. oh well. its my diary and i doubt anyone reads it. at least it gives me a place to ramble about crap when im bored.
nothing really happened at school today. the only thing interesting is this poem we read. it was about a kid who wanted to be himself but just couldnt because of modern society. the kid who wrote it killed himself two weeks after he wrote it. it really got to me. it really made me think. when i find the paper, ill quote it. other than that, ive been doing the usual hanging out at richards house after school.
p.s. (for my last entry)... this one really good artist in my art class said my painting was beautiful. he was sincerely amazed by it. he was just standing there, staring at it. it seemed like he was relating to it. i felt so good! my art affects someone on a psychological level!
i didnt really do anything today. i just went to school, got lots of anime character comments (i had my hair like sailor moon's), came home, and then went to richards. i learned how to play some songs by nightwish on my keyboard. im not very good at playing them, though.
i didnt go to richards house. when my dad got back, i asked him and he started yelling. he acted like it was something at his expense to take me over to richards house. then he started saying that its ridiculous that its so important to me. why wouldnt it be that important to me? i love richard more than anyone seems to understand. i spend every day with him and i dont see whats wrong with that. we've been together for 6 months. of course, my dad thinks all kids are the same and that ill dump richard when i find someone "hotter" or :cooler." if only he saw me as a real person. he just sees another kid. im not even special to him as a daughter. i know this because he thinks so much better of his friends kids than he does of me. his friends kids are total jerks. one of them stopped talking to me once school started because i wasnt "cool" enough for him. if only he would listen to me and take me seriously. no one takes me seriously. he thinks its cute or funny that im trying to act like a "grown up" when, really, im not putting on an act and im a lot more mature the he'll ever take the chance to find out. every time he says he loves me, i know he doesnt mean it. how could he? he doesnt love me. he doesnt know me. he doesnt know a thing about me. he said that, if i didnt "drop the attitude" (excuse me for being upset) that i wouldnt be allowed to see richard anymore. if he loves me like he says he does, he wouldnt threaten to take away the most important thing to me. if he cared about my life, he wouldnt threaten my reason to live. he must not understand. i feel like no one understands how much i love richard. sure, that sounds idealistic, like fairytale romance. though, sometimes is wonder if its really a good thing when it comes to the real world. imeasurable love sounds wonderful, but its so frusterating when no one takes you seriously about it. honestly, what good is declaring your love for someone when everyone thinks its just a joke? am i a joke? is everything i live for a joke? i guess it must be. every day, i wear the necklace richard bought me for christmas. i dont take it off. i havent so much as checked out another guy since august. does that sound like im joking? does that sound like your average, socially-based high school relationship? honestly, if i was like that, richard would be gone by now. you know, most of those couples only spend a couple hours together on the weekends. i spend every day with richard. his family takes us seriously and has accepted me as a part of their family, although richard and i arent married yet. i just dont know whyy i cant be takien seriously. i know im only 16, but if he cant look past that, which one of us is the child here?
so... i just got home from school and made myself a sandwich. richards phone isnt working and my dads out getting a tattoo (which is why im online.) i wore a miniskirt today and i kept getting whistled at. i hate that kind of attention. it embarasses me. it makes me feel low, like im just a sex object. i wish people would see me and think "shes an intelligent person" or "i respect her" rather than "what a nice set of legs" or "i want to do her." i wish it could be like my old school where everyone thought i was dorky and ugly. sure, it sounds like a weird request, but at least i knew people werent going to use me for their social status. no one thought i was cool or pretty. i was nobody, and i liked it that way.
nothing new, really. i went to richards house. i learned how to make pancakes and richard played baten kaidos. if i get my allowance, im $20 into paying for my new boots.
stayed home from school all day. cleaned. i was singing rhapsody and nightwish while i was cleaning. my window was open while i was doing this, so im sure my neighbors dont excatly love me now. im just waiting for my dad to get done spraying some ant killer crap outside and then im going to richards house.
first diary entry!this is going to have a long biography in it. if you dont like drama, you might want to stay clear of my diary. tehn again, i have so many online diaries that on one reads. as if im going to keep up with this diary... i have about 2 journals on 2 sites that i started months ago and they both only have an entry or two. oh well... im bored as of right now, so i might was well write. i spent the day at richard's (my boyfriend) house. hes so cute. i love him so much. i got hom around 9:00. when i walked in the door, i was in for a pleasant suprise. my dad said "what are you doing home so early?" and i was like "school night...duh?" and he was like "not according to the schedule." ao, anyway, we found ot the school had cancelled the inservice day and scheduled a regular school day. my dad got pissed that the school didnt inform him of this. so he let me stay home. yay! finally. ive had perfect attendance for the past 6 weeks and ive been leaping at any chance to get a day off. im so happy. i have to clean my room and my bathroom, though. i would much rather clean than go to that horrible place. im not trying to sound like every other teeneager, but i hate school. i sincerely hate it. i want to get out of it as soon as possible. unfortunately, i plan on going to college, so i have to more years stuck there. its like the principal tries to make it into a living nightmare. not to mention, the people there arent much consolation. they are the stupidest, loudest, more ignorant, rudest people that ive ever been around. even when theyre not saying anything directly to me, their presence just irks the hell out of me. the only thing mildly pleasant about school is the fact that richard and mariam (one of my best friends) are in my piano class. i love it because we dont even have to do anything in that class. dont get me wrong, i love playing piano, but i just took the class for an easy credit. so basicly, we sit there and talk about what kind of weird things people did or said. since school takes up my entire day, tahts all i have to talk about, anymore. i cant wait until this summer. i could get a job, afford everything ive always wanted, have all day to myself, and even see my best friend, marychelle. god, i miss her. ive known her for 5 years and i havnet seen her for almost a year. she might come to visit me for a while over the summer. i cant wait. we used to have so much fun together, and, when i think about it, i miss it so much that i want to cry. basicly, i lived with my mom since my parents got divorced 9 years ago. it was ok for a while. it was just my mom and my sister. i didnt get to see my dad much, but my mom was trying hard. then, she got depressed and wanted a new boyfriend. thats when the trouble started. she started going out with strange men and didnt say when she was coming back. her boyfriends were always such losers. i hated them so much and i wanted them as far away from me as possible. they were so low and creepy. i was always thinking of ways to break their relationship with my mom. though, i knew that, when one left, there was just going to be another one. the worst part was, i felt like i had no one to turn to. i never had any real friend. for the first 11 years of my life, every friend i had either left me or was secretly planning to kill me. i was truly alone. finally, when i was 11, i made a friend. it was marychelle. she was always there for me when i was going through hard times in my life. between crazy psycho stalker ex boyfriends of my moms and being ostracized by the other kids at school, i was a mess. finally, when i was in 8th grade, my social and home life were starting to calm down. then jeff came. my moms new boyfriend. i hate him more than i knew possible. words can never describe my hate for that worm. i used to want to kill him, but my hate for him grew beyond that. i just wanted to make his life a hell worse than death. unfortunately, this was hardly possible. he was never around, although he supposedly lived with us. he always went out drinking with "the guys" who happened to be in the mafia. he was a cocaine addict and a horrible alcoholic. he had stashes of marijuana and porn tapes hidden in my basement. when i had a school assignment due the next day, i would often have to wait for him to be done "watching the game" before i could go down into the basement and type it. sometimes, this meant after midnight. of course, he wasnt "watching the game," he was jacking off to porn. his bad behavior started showing up in my mom. she would leave without telling us, keep her phone off, and not come back until 3:00 in the morning or even th next day. she hid things from us. she came home drunk at least 3 nights a week. she left us home on holidays before. then, she got verybally abusive. the more and more the hated my dad, the more she hated me. i remind her of him. every time she looked at me, she saw him. i was just a big dissapointment