Why does the male population have to be so confusing? One minute they claim to like you, then the next they are dating some sheila that you don't like...... Then a few moments later they say they want you back..... I am tired of the shenanigans boys play. They make me think a lot, and when I'm tired, like now, I just don't really feel like thinking much. Though, at this point, it's entirely impossible NOT to think.
Anyway, back to the main subject. Boys. Ridiculous, intolerable, slow-minded, bumbling idiots. They must stay up night after night thinking up new ways to frustrate me. It's not like I can help liking someone.......or loving for that matter. But men don't have to take the time to play foolish games with my fragile heart, okay????? Take a certain guy for example. I won't name names, because that would be dangerous to the both of us. Many, MANY suns ago, I fell for him, and was too happy for my own good. I shoulda known then that something was up. This guy was charming and he had great looks and the perfect sense of humor. I told him I liked him, and, to my surprise, he liked me too. Life seemed grand. Then things started to fall apart when the newbie walked into the picture and took over the entire thing. She knew nothing of the situation, but instead took the opportunity of ignorance to pounce on my kill. He took her bait and was entrapped in her trickery. Many weeks later, he comes to me, in a secluded area and tells me he isn't as happy in her cage as he was convinced he would be, and that he misses being wild and free with me. My already crushed heart wanted to run away and grab a pot, to throw over its head and bang with a metal spoon until it died. It was happily suicidal. It still is. So, I may be in a rather pissy mood tomorrow, and now those of you who read this, will know why. Thanks have a nice day.....


Here's my Saint Patrick's Day entry (attempted Irish-language, translated below):
Di duit! Cad e mar are tu?
Hello! How are you?

Now my version of Irish slang (Just using Irish words to describe my day):
All right? I'm langered, naturally! Though I was quite peckish earlier.
I had to deal with a randy lad, and I was barmy like none-other! I might have yelled "Barmy and Blast!" if I had so felt like it. Well blow me down it was a beastly time getting the lad to belt up! I was au fait with his behavoir, as I should have been. He's a blinkered, beastly, biggie! It is blatantly so. I was brassed off, as usual, but, the lad's still cracking, mate! Crikey moses he's a fit bloke! And of course, the night left me full of beans! The goolies were close to kicked t'night. Lad's a gormless one. Needed Her Majesty's Pleasure if I ever did see. One nigh' there would leave me chuffed to bits. I cocked up tonigh' though. Almost got meself a love bite. No need for that now! Nark be my style now, but twas not the case earlier... Me mate was pissing around while I was on the job. Parky in the back, the lad lent his coat. We all acted a wee bit potty on account of the mice. It was quite put paid to when the store got sacked. Scrummy peanut butter was passed around, quite grand if I may say. The whole night was sixes and sevens! The lad was outright smarmy all night. Almost snookering clearly. Sod! Though lad's squidgy, I simply MUST say! I find myself feeling wacky tacky-like. Enough waffling, toodle pip!

You know what???
FUCK FRANCE!
Yes, you read that right.
I've given up on Frenchie.
He't a stupid, immature guy who bring's waaaaay too much drama to my life.
So, oh well.
Life sucks and I'll get over it.
-Sami

Things are not getting any better for me.
Yesterday, Frenchie tells the girl Katie that he's going to France in two days. Yeah, thanks for telling me. He tells her (not me), right next to me, then comes and tells me he might be gone in a few days. Then he tells me I need to stop being so pissy (I was really upset yesterday because of the pictures). How the hell am I supposed to be calm when I'm never going to see the love of my life again? He didn't even give me a chance to say good-bye.....
If he leaves, and I never see him again, I WILL kill myself.
I don't even fucking care anymore......
I will have nothing left to live for....

-Sami

Well.
I've officially almost died *thinks*..... three times this year.
Not naturally.
By my own hand.
You see, I just found out within this month that I have this irritable little thing called depression. I always see the downside of everything, and always have terribly awful pains throughout my body.
So, that on your mind, my life is starting to spiral away from my control. My so-called boyfriend, Frenchie, is completely comfusing me. He tells me he likes me so much, but then he goes and flirts with other girls. Oh, and his "ex"-girlfriend (she says they're still together) messages me with all this shit about people telling her Frenchie and I are fucking every night and shit like that. First off, I'm a goddam virgin thanks. Secondly, who in their fucking RIGHT MIND would do that to me?? What have I ever done to them anyway....?? Then, to make matters worse, I go to see my dear Frenchie today, and I catch him holding hands with a girl I work with... who is MARRIED. WTF??????!!!!!! I immediately walked away, pushing it out of my mind. Then, I talk to him later, and apparently, SOMEHOW, someone 'found' some..... not-so-appropriate.... pictures I took one EXTREMELY drunk night, and sent them around. And you'll never guess who got ahold of 'em. Yep. Frenchie. So now he thinks I'm easy. I was completely drunk when I took those pictures, and I only gave them to ONE person, one of my best friends in the entire the world, who told me I could trust him with anything, and that he was always there for me. And what does he do? Betrays me. Completely. So, now, I have no friends I can trust out in the real world, nobody will let me be alone (not even for two seconds), and I just want an easy escape. I seriously contemplated getting the key to the gun cabinet upstairs. I walked up the the case the keys were in. Luckily, the phone rang and I had to answer it, and as I hung up, my sister got home. I have completely lost control of everything, even my own will to live. I am so drained from crying all the time. I just wanna sleep and never wake up..........

-Sami

Well, Frenchie ((as I like to call him)) showed up again, and was flirting more hardcore than ever before. Then I get this message on myspace today from a so-called friend of mine. IT went like this: you should probably leave renee(from B&F) alone because he has a wife, and a son who happen to be my sister and nephew and he honestly thinks you are a stalker. He doesn't like you. You're 16... he's 23- NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I'm just putting it out there. You should really steer clear of him. That is all.

First off. He does NOT in any way, have a wife. And I think I'm really upset by this. If he's flirting with me so hard and always talking to me and all this other stuff, would he really think I was a stalker? I mean, he would want to stay away from me as much as possible, dontcha think? And so what if he's 23?! I already know that nothing is going to happen, so this girl can go fuck herself. I'm so tired of people always interfering with my life and telling shit I can or can't do. I just need to get away from ALL of it. One of these days I'm just gunna leave.....and never come back. I'm seriously so tired of my life. I just don't like it.
Emily makes me so happy, but she's the ONLY reason I stick around here. I'm going to see her on New Year's Eve, and hopefully that will remind me of something good around here, and that I have a reason to be on earth.....
Until then, I don't know what to do. I really just want to die..... I need help......

Sami

Well. You can all give up the french sweetheart/man of my dreams. He's outta my life. Seriously. He disappeared. Have not seen him in about a week now.
Anywho, Love life still strong! I have been ((more or less)) in love with this girl Emily for a long ass time now. She came out to me at the end of last year! I was soooooooo happy! Now we're both single and wanna hook up! Well, I do anyway. And she wanted to before. We're hoping to hang out over New Years and talk it all out. Wish me luck!
xoxo!
Sami

Okay, it has been a crazy but wonderful day.
I had to work today, which I thought was gunna suck.
Wait, lemme start at the beginning.
So, I started working at the local grocery store a few weeks ago, and I met this guy Rene. He instantly caught my attention with his French accent and good humor. We clicked within seconds of meeting eachother. We talked for a few minutes and realized how much we really have in common. Every time I worked after meeting him, I would hope for a glimpse of him and constantly look over my shoulder to see if he was nearby. Every time he was somewhere I could see him I would smile and my heart would flutter and beat slow and fast at the same time, making me feel dizzy as though I'd taken ecstasy. It was so crazy. Then, he started coming to work on the days I'd work, just cuz "Eh. I had nothin else to do." As he said. THen he started this 'tag' thing, where, he would poke me, then walk away, and I'd find him later and poke him back and say "You're it." It was so much fun. Then he started tellin me about how much he didn't like his girlfriend, and how upset he was about being cheated on, and how he was done with her and how he was just going to let life lead him along. I knew then that that was my queue and that I had to act on it.
So, today, Rene wrote on a piece of paper "Hi! How late do you stay tonight? Write back!" And slid it into my apron pocket. I smiled and pulled it out, reading it then responding "I only work till 8, but I'm hoping to stay later cuz I don't really wanna go home tonight." ((family issues)) He wrote me back "I hope you can stay later too, so we can hang out and talk. Maybe you can help me face the aisles!" ((turning stuff so it's the right way)) I replied "Yeah, that would be fun!"
Rene said "Yeah! When do you work next?"
Me "Not till Thursday :("
"That far? You mean I have to wait four WHOLE DAYS before I talk to you next??" *drew a sad alien thingy* ((long story behind that))
"Yeah I know. That's a long time."
"Yeah. I'll be bummed not bein' able to talk to you. It won't be as fun." ((this made my day cuz he said he liked fun girls lol))
"Aw that's sweet."
"Yeah.........I'll miss you." ((he told me he was embarrassed when he wrote that lol))
"Aw. Well, don't worry, I'll be thinking of you the whole time."
"Good, Now I have to go to lunch. I'll miss you for that hour :)"
So, after that long conversation of passing notes for about half an hour, he went off to lunch, and I was incredibly bored. After a while I looked at the clock and asked my manager if I could take a break. When she said yes, I raced upstairs to the break room with my water in hand and sat down across the table from Rene. We talked about breaking up with our 'others' and some other random stupid stuff lol. Then I went back to work after about 15 minutes and waited for him to reply to my note. I had said:
"I wish I knew how to break up with JP, I really need to."
"Why, do you like someone else?"
"Yes, but I don't know if he likes me back :)"
"Well, I'm sure he does, cuz any guy is lucky to have you! Who is he?"
"Well, you already know. It's pretty obvious."
"The only person I see you talk to is me. But I could be mistaken."
"No, you're right...
I still don't know if he likes me though."
"Well, yes, he likes you, a lot."
"You really think so? I sure hope so!"
"Yeah I'm pretty sure, but maybe you should ask him."
And our conversation went on like that for hours. Then the store got really empty and so I went to the soda aisle and started facing. He came up to me and we just kinda talked casually for a few minutes, then he told me some confidential stuff (which I won't share). He said he told me this cuz he wanted to be completely honest and that if we were to get together, he would want everything to be in the open. I smiled and told him that I understood, but I have to break up with JP for anything to happen, and I wasn't sure how I was going to do that. He told ME that he understood too, and that he would wait for me. ((how sweeeeet!!!)) Then he got my phone number and told me to make him a myspace lol. ((I did lol)) Then, my other manager told me I had to go home cuz I had worked as late as my 8 o clock shift would allow ((at 9pm)). So I went upstairs, collected all my stuff from my locker and went back downstairs to tell Rene that I was leaving. I walked back to him and cracked a smile. I said good-bye and that I would drop by tomorrow after school to say hello and so we could talk about me having ((hopefully)) broken up with JP during the day. Next thing I know he's giving me the most wonderful hug I have ever recieved! I hugged him back tightly and then told him good-bye, promising again to stop in tomorrow. He smiled and waved and I left for home.

I am seriously falling for this french hottie!!! *laughs* He's sweet and kind and beautiful and caring and yeah, I think you get the idea. But, there's a few things I'm worried about. First, he's 7 years older than me. This is not good. He's already had sex, and has much more experience with this stuff thatn I do. Two, I've never french-kissed a guy, and I don't know how!!! I know he's going to want to, but I've never done it and I'm really freaked out about it...... Three, He's got a girlfriend, and she's a psycho-bitch, and I'm worried what'll happen to either of us if she ever finds out. And he can't break up with her because she has a kid and she thinks that he thinks it's his ((even though he knows it's not)). So, he doesn't know what to do and neither do I. I almost cried on the way home thinking about that stuff. Then there's the fact that I still have a boyfriend too, ((that I don't like)) and I am afraid to break up with him, just because. I don't know what to do, all I know is that I think I love Rene ((pronounced Ruh-nay in case you didn't know)), and that he REALLY likes me too, and we want to take this information somewhere, just don't know where yet. *sighs* I hope I figure something out.....

-Sami

Q1) Sleep with or without clothes on? On usually
Q2) Prefer black or blue pens? doesn't matter. i tend to use black more though
Q3) Dress up on Halloween? of course!
Q4) Like to travel? yes, it's so much fun
Q5) Like Someone? in love with them yes
Q6) Do they know? well, not the love part no lol they know i like them tho
Q7) Who sleeps with you every night? my teddy bear lol
Q8) Think you're attractive? i suppose i'm okay
Q9) Want to get married? yes, someday
Q10) To: someone i love and have fun with
Q11) Are you a good student? i try to be
Q12) Are you currently happy? definitely, except i have to break up with my boyfriend to be the guy i love.....
Q13) Have you ever cheated?? sorta am right now lol
Q14) Birthplace? denver CO
Q15) Christmas or Halloween? aw damn i can't choose!
Q16) Colored or black-and-white photo? both
Q17) Do long distance relationships? nope. Longest distance for me is 13 miles lol
Q19) Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really, though the guy i love right now is changing that lol
Q20) Do you consider yourself the life of the party? sometimes. if it's my party lol
Q21) Do you drink? sometimes
Q22) Do you make fun of people? heck yes
Q23) Do you think dreams eventually come true? i call that deja vu lol
Q24) Favorite fictional character? Kaye Fierch
Q25) Go to the movies or rent? movies ^^
Q26) Have you ever moved? once
Q27) Have you ever stolen anything? yes, lotsa times
Q28) How's the weather right now? col and kinda snowy-ish
Q29) Last time you cut your hair? sometime around thanksgiving
Q30) Last person you talked to on the phone? i wish it were Rene...... *sigh* but it was JP
Q31) Last time you showered? yesterday
Q32) Loud or soft music? both
Q33) Mcdonalds or Burger King? mickey d's
Q34) Night or day? Night
Q35) Number of pillows? one and a stuffed animal pillow
Q36) Dream job? Vet
Q38) Current job? cashier/checker at grovery store
Q39) Current love? Rene <3
Q40) Current longing? That he was here with me, just sitting quietly and listenign to the sounds of night and music with me.
Q41) Current disappointment? That he's 23 and i have a boyfriend
Q42) Current annoyance? my boyfriend
Q43) Last thing you ate? noodles
Q44) Last thing you bought? tampons lol
Q45) Most recent thing you are looking forward to? seeing Rene tomorrow
Q46) What are you hearing right now? um. pj's?
Q47) Plans for the weekend? wow. uh. Working with Rene lol
Q48) What did you do today? worked with Rene and found out he liked me too ^^
Q49) Pick a lyric, any lyric or song? "You are so beautiful, to me!" lol I watched One on One recently
Q50) Pick a movie quote?
I dono.

I am waaaaay too stressed out this week. My younger sister's in the hospital, AGAIN, my dad's a horrible alcoholic, my mom keeps avoiding any important "grown-up" topic I bring up, my fam is about to lose our house, etc.
First off, my younger sister is extremely sick and has this problem where her antibodies are eating away her nerves. She was in the hospital for it in the end of October, but she came home cuz we thought she would be okay and that it would leave her body. But no. It got worse. Twice as bad actually, and now she's back in the hospital for it and the don't know what to do about it. It's really upsetting.
Second, my dad can't survive without a beer in his hand. He's constantly pissy, and yells at me whenever something he does doesn't go right. I'm really upset. I'll go home after about 7-8 hours of school and 6 hours of work, and he somehow still finds the energy after almost 12 hours of working to yell at me for not doing the dishes while I was GONE!!!! WTF?! Then, nobody else gets yelled at. And if my mom tries to come to my defense he just yells at her. I swear they are going to get divorced one of these days.....
Also, I want a cell phone. I NEED a cell phone, AND can afford it!!! But, everytime I try to bring it up with my mom, she just says "I'm too tired to talk about it tonight Sami. We'll talk another time." I try everything. Talking to her as soon as I get home from school, talking over the phone, during a commercial during her fave show, during the news, etc. Everything. But no. She just doesn't wanna talk about it :(
Another thing, we owe more than like, 200 thousand bucks on our house and we can't afford it. It REALLY REALLY sucks because if we don't pay it by February, we lose our house. Then we have to move. And we can't afford even that. Which means, no food, no house, no school, no anything. I cry every night because I don't know what's going to happen to my family, and now, with Jenna in the hospital, our bills are gunna run higher and higher, which means we go more and more into debt EVERYday. I'm on the verge of tears like every minute of the day. It's really hard with Christmas coming up. All my friends expect gifts and talk about how much money they have to spend, and how much their parents are spending on them everyday, and I'm over here sitting on the couch wondering how much I need to give my parents to help pay for bills.
My life is slowly falling apart again......

*cries*
Sami

I went to the BEST concert EVER last night.
It was soooo much fun.
It was the Panic! at the Disco concert.
I screamed my head off, and now I have no voice lol
Anywho, if you don't know much about them, look them up.
They're hot, sexy, and great musicians!
*laughs*
If I like 'em, I'm sure you will toooooo!!!

Love
Sami

ARGH!!!!!!
I officially HATEHATEHATEHATE holidays!!!!!!!
It's the same DAMN THING every fucking time.
Family comes to my house.
Then they all act as if I don't exist.
I'll say something, a joke perhaps, and they'll look at me like I'm speaking a fucking alien language!!!!!!!
AUGH!
I just made a joke to my sister, ya know, sarcasm, about her purse lookin like an old lady purse and she got all defensive and slammed the door in my FACE!
WTF?!?!

So. A lot has happened since my lastest entry. xD

I'm dating a new guy now lol. His name is JP. I'm not sure if I like him though. Yes, again, I'm being a picky, spoiled, bitch. I do this every time. Anywho, I mean, I like him, but I don't think I like him enough to stay with him for very long. This will be our *thinks* third week together, and he's not what I was hoping he was. He's extremely Christian (not like that's bad), which is great, considering he's rooted and all, but it sucks because he won't hold hands, he won't kiss, etc. and that's kinda what I like about boyfriends. God I sound so fuckin shallow >_<........ Yeah, so that's my boy crisis of the day.

So, I decided I truly DESPISE being ADHD. I can't ever focus, I am constantly distracted, I have to be moving at all times, and I can't ever stop talking (as you can tell)! It's really hard with school. I get in trouble with my fucking teachers all the god damn time. I really hate it. My grades drop cuz I can't remember anything, and my "behavior" is bad (talking) so I get marked down for that too. I've tried talking to my teachers about it, but they all say "ADHD is all mental. You can control it, you just have to try harder." One of these days I'm gunna walk up to one of 'em and just plain out bitch slap them across the face.

Also, I got a job!!!!! WOOT! Monies! *laughs* Yeah. So I'm a cashier at the grocery store down in town. I work a lot though, and I'm on my feet anywhere from 6-8 hours. I work 5 out of 7 days. And when I work on school nights, I go to work straight after school (4) then work till 10. I don't end up getting home till somewhere close to 11. It's really hard with homework and stuff. Other than those few issues I love it! The people I work with are extremely kind, and all my customers are really patient. It's fantastic.

I finally decided that I like how I look. Wanna know why? Cuz at work, I get male customers all the time, right? But of course, sadly enough, they're all too old for me (and I gots a b/f lol). But yesterday, this guy who's like, 23-ish comes in, and just so happens to come to my register to check out. Of course he buys cigarettes, and being only 16, I have to call someone over to check them out for him. When I explain this to him he says, "You're only 16? Wow, I thought you were 18 or 19. Well, for the record, you're a beautiful 16-yr-old." Of course I thank him and feel all special, especially since this guy's really hot lol. Then he goes all bold on me and says, "Give me a call when you're 18, alright?" I just laugh and say "I'll try to remember that." with a smile on my face. He laughs and does a small cheer-ish thing (says "Woohoo, something to look forward to!") then takes his things and leaves, but as he's exiting he pauses, comes back and tells me Happy Thanksgiving. The horribly extreme pain in my feet was definitely worth it after that LOL!!! He made my day and reminded me of how pretty I really am.

So, overall, I rock

-Sami

So, Trey broke up with quite a while back, and I was really upset, cuz this was the first guy I ever.... loved. I cried for a while, then started to hate him. The next day he got back with his ex-girlfriend. I was pissed. I would ignore him every time he tried to talk to me, and I would go the long way to my classes, just to avoid him. That was In October. Now it's November and I've moved on. I've dated other guys since then, none which have worked out, which is no new news to me. I just can't seem to find the right guy!!!
I am too picky. It's official. I find one little thing wrong with a guy and then can't get over it. Then I dump him. It's sad. And dissapointing......

Anywho...... So I decided what I'm going to do with my life. I'm gunna be a veterinarian. Yay! I love animals and taking care of them and what-not. I'm going to go to Colorado State University in Fort Collins. They have a vet program there. I'll major in it and what-not, then work somewhere in colorado. I love it here and I guess I can't ever leave lol.

SO, Apparantly I'm like, super popular this year. What the hell are the chances of that?!?! Everyone wants to hang out with me, all the guys like me, and I have awesome grades in all my classes, none of which have ever happened before. Except in like, elementary school, which doesn't really count lol. Anyway, I've dated five guys already this year, though they weren't more than two week relationships (except with Trey). And guys just keep telling me they like me. It's kinda freaky. I have more friends than ever, and I hang out with every group at my school..... for the most part. I am happy because, being a junior, I have so much to worry about, what with college and my social status, and now I don't have to worry about either! My GPA is 2.7, which is MUCH better than it was last year!!!!!! Last year I had a GPA of like, 1.4 or something. THAT was bad. So, I'm just kinda chillin and speeding through the year. Can you believe the semester is already half over????

Well, I've rambled enough for today I think, so I'll tty all later!!

-Sami

Trey and I shared our first kiss last night, on my birthday. He had to leave, so I walked him up the driveway to his car, even though it was pitch black and neither of us had flashlights. It also didn't help that it was about 40 degrees outside. He was so sweet; I said I was cold, so he puts his arms around me to warm me up. Then we got to his car and we hugged and then he leaned down lightly and kissed me. The kiss wasn't so great, cuz we both did two completely different forms of kissing, but it was still so sweet. It was just perfect in a sense of timing. I've never french-kissed before, and that's what he tried to do, so it was a little odd lol. But, I felt happy the rest of the night.

I absolutely love my boyfriend, Trey. He is the sexiest Italian man I know! He's the sweetest most respectful guy I have ever met. Today is our one week anniversary. I've liked him for a few years lol. He just asked me out a week ago. I must say I am the happiest girl I know right now!!!

Oh, and to make things better, my birthday is in 2 days! Yay! 16 on the 16th. Hell yeah bitches!

life is just one screw up after another.....a few months ago we found out my dad had cancer, then my mom has to get a thrid surgery for her back this summer, then my sister sprained her ankle....for the like, 8th time. then i admit to myself that i am a lesbian, and now everybody is driving me insane, espacially these two ppl at school!!! AUGH!!!!!! *passes out from stress*

i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate life.....it sux majorly! guys hate me, my friends usually hate me......what more need i say?

please take my poll first off.....secondly, why do guys hate me? (look at my pic under mi casa.) am i ugly or something?