It's been quite some time since I last spoke into my diary. I'm not sure why, either. I'm on here more often than not.... Anyway, quite a few things have passed by since I last typed my string of words upon you.
Well, since my last entry, I have had extreme headaches and nasty colds. Oh, right. Aspirin! As many of you do not know, the doctors put me on Apirin-therapy (one aspirin every day to thin my blood) because of my stroke. So now I am extremely susceptible to sickness and [many kinds] of cancer. Yay for me. And since I am so vulnerable, I ended up with mono. Just in the last two weeks or so. Happy days. My throat looks like somebody threw it in the blender. Kissing disease. Yeah, gave it to my honey.
Which brings me to my next topic. Matthew. The gorgeously goofy man in the picture on my profile. We've been together for over three months. That's the longest relationship I've ever been able to stand. Amazing, isn't it? Here I was, thinking I'd never find the right guy. Then POOF! The guy I had a crush on three years ago pops back into the picture. Unfortunately it was while I was with another guy. Now, normally I would ignore all other guys while in a relationship, but this was a major exception. The guy I was with constantly blew me off for drugs, was pushing me into sex, and even into marriage. I was only sixteen when I was with this guy, and he was already asking my mom if I could move in with him. WE'D ONLY BEEN TOGETHER A MONTH! Sheesh this guy was pushy. And I was only his first girlfriend. What a loser. ANYWAY! I went to this party where there was a lot of great music and a few friends of mine. Not many though. So, after getting punched in the face [accidentally] during a song with strobe lights, I sat on the wall to chill out during a slow song. Even though I was taken, my buddy Caitlin scooped me away from the wall and shoved me into the arms of this handsome guy. I pushed the guilt thoughts away and had an amazing dance. This is coming from someone who HATES slow dancing, my friends. It was exhilarating! Then he asked me to dance again later. It was one of the funnest nights of my life. So, later, without hesitating, I gave him my number. I never thought he'd call. Guys like that were never into lil ol' me. Three days and a crazy night later, I get a message on my cell phone saying he was intrigued and wanted me to call him back. So I did and that's when he asked me if I was single. I answered honestly but told him I was breaking up with my guy the next day. I couldn't stop myself from talking. It was insane. So, the next day, June 11, I called this guy I'd been with for two months and told him that it wasn't working out for me. I've never been good at breaking up, getting dumped, or dumping, but this came so easily to me. Almost like a dream me, speaking through my mouth. Weird. So I go to Matthew's later that night to just hang, and we start making out. I'm like whoa. I'm not like that. Spontaneous kissing isn't my thing. So he says "Who says it has to be spontaneous?" Then asks me to be his girlfriend. Ever since then we've been a happy couple, and now we're even PROMISED! Yep, ring and all. Not once have I found a flaw in him. Miracle moments for Izzo!!! lol
Well, I kinda sorta stayed at Matt's house overnight once, and my dad was PISSED! Never once have I seen my dad want to kill me that badly. Well, the more he called me a criminal (I had his truck that night. He said I stole it) and said I committed a felony and drank beer after beer, the more my mom realized how bad the relationship had gotten between him and the family. So after a few weeks of my dad HATING Matthew and planning, my mom finally told me that we were leaving him. Oh god did my heart cheer that day. I don't think I'd ever been as happy as that moment. So, it went like this. My dad went out of town on some business training thingy, and we moved into a tiny little house 12-ish miles away. It's a one bedroom house. It has a closet, a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. 600 sq feet to be exact. Not the dream house for six cats, a dog, a mom, me, and a sister. Not at all. But I'm happy now, couldn't be happier in fact. Matt lives barely four houses away! lol
Anyway, my dog REALLY has to pee, so I'm gonna go. Talk to ya all later!
-Izzo

As very few of you know, I'm sitting in the hospital right now. No, not for Jenna lol. For the very first time, I'm in the hospital for me.

Okay, okay, I'll start at the beginning. So, Monday, I was sitting at the insurance company, listening to the guy talk about his cat while he pulled up an estimate for my car damages from my accident a couple fridays ago. It was really super hot outside, so I got back into the car, starting full blast air conditioning for the drive up Boulder Canyon. Around 2:00 I started getting a really strange feeling behind my Left eye. It was a gentle pain, maybe a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. I thought it was just cuz of the heat, so I turned the cold air up in the car. The headache started feeling a little worse, but I didn't pay much attention to it. I got up to Ned and went into B&F (the grocery store for those of you who don't know) to talk to Dan (the owner) about getting my job back. He promised me a position for next week and I left his office and went downstairs into the store to talk to some of my friends/the other employees. At about 3 I started noticing that things were looking kinda blurry in my right eye. I thought, yet again, it's just the heat playing with my mind, so I told a few people that my vision was off. They told me that I should go home and tell my mom. I started to go outside to my car when the blurriness in my eye started getting worse. I went back inside and told everyone that the fuzziness was too bad and that I was going to hang around till it went away and I felt safer to drive. They agreed that it was a better idea and I wandered off to the deli to talk to Bev, a very close friend of my family's. While I was talking to her, I started stuttering over my words and having difficulty forming words at all with my mouth. Almost immediately after I lost sight completely in my right eye. Everything to the right of me had become pitch black. Very shortly after that I couldn't make words at all, just sound. So I left Bev and walked toward the tables of the Mountain Burger (the grill in the grocery store). All the sudden I felt this really weird tingling feeling in my right-hand fingers. It was how some might say "pins and needles." All the sudden I had absolutely no feeling in my hand whatsoever and couldn't hardly move my fingers. I couldn't hold anything and I felt very weak in my hand and arm, but only on the right side. This entire time my head was hurting more and more, rising to a 10 on the pain scale, 1-10. Suddenly the tingling moved all the way up my arm, through my shoulder, and into the right side of my face. I felt very alarmed, but decided it was just my imagination. My lips were absolutely numb and paralyzed, but once again, only on the right side. My speech was still jumbled and my headache was a constant drilling on the back of my eye and temple. Never before had I experienced such an excruciatingly painful headache! Still I mentioned nothing to anyone around me. I was still standing near the tables of the Mountain Burger, and I was entirely thankful, because only moments later the tingling sensation spread, almost instantly, through the entire right side of my torso and into my leg, down to my knee. From the knee down I lost all motor control and had no feeling whatsoever. I lost my balance and fell sideways toward a bench at a table. I sat at the table silently. Shaylee, Jesse, and Dillon came and sat at the table beside mine, engaging in vuluptuous conversation with one another about an hour after I lost feeling in my leg.. Several minutes later Shaylee turned to me and said hello. I replied very slowly. She asked how I was doing and I told her I had a horrible headache and that my vision was very blurry and that a few of my fingers were numb. The tingling sensation had left and the vision had partly come back in my right eye. Everything on my left side was fine except the constant pain behind my eye that occasionally moved to the back of my head then returned to my eye. I called my mom but she wasn't there, so I left her a message that said, "Hey mom, I'm at B-n-F, kinda hanging out. I'm not going to drive home for at least another hour, my vision in my right eye is really bad, and I have some numbness in my fingers on my right hand. If you need to reach me or something, call the store, I'll be here." I went back to the table and sat down. My mom called a little later and told me to leave soon. I left the store at 7 pm. I got home and found my mom sitting on her computer, looking up my symptoms on WebMD. Nothing we looked up made sense to us, so we ate dinner, then I went to bed. The next morning my headache was still there and my vision was still slightly off. I didn't think much of it and went to summer school like I always do. Throughout the day my headache continued to fade in and out, so I called my mom, who told me to come home so she could take me to the hospital. My doctor told her to take me to the ER immediately. So I came home and we drove to my sister, Carrie's house. She drove us to the hospital from there (since my mom was in a neck brace from her recent surgery and my vision was bad). We went into the ER and they asked me some questions and ran some easy tests like reflexes and vision. After several boring hours a bunch of other doctors came in and ran the same tests on my reflexes. They said it was probably just a really severe migraine (atypical/complex), but they were going to do some better testing to be sure. So they sent me up into a room and admitted me to the hospital. They took me downstairs a little bit later and I got a catscan. The catscan came back okay so they let me eat and go to sleep. The next morning they woke me at 7:30-ish and took my stats. Then they took me away in a wheelchair to a small room where they attached a bunch of electrodes to my head with some goopy pastey stuff. They flashed lights in front of me and asked me to do some things with my eyes. This was called an EEG, or a brain wave scan, to test and make sure what happened wasn't a seizure. Afterwards, around 10:40, they took me to my room and I went back to sleep until 11, almost 12. In that time I woke up and had more paralyzation in my hand. I ignored it though and went back to sleep. When I woke up there were two neurologists in my room, and my dad was there too. The doctors ran the reflexes tests on me again and checked my strength in my arms and legs. My right eye's vision was still slightly blurry, but not as bad as usual. Then, around 12:30, a doctor came and took me to a waiting room, where I waited until 1:15. I watched a nifty show about orangutans (the orange monkeys). Then they came and got me and put me in a huge machine called an MRI. They gave me goggles and earphones to listen and watch a movie, which I chose to be Ella Enchanted. Unfortunately for me, the sounds didn't work the entire movie. I was in there about 35 minutes, then they pulled me out and took me back into the waiting room, where the monkey show was still on. The show barely ended when a nurse came into the room and took me back to my room where my mom was. I sat and finished my lunch, then watched tv, getting interrupted every now and then to get my vitals checked by nurses and my reflexes/strengths tested by the doctor. At about 5 a nurse came in and said she needed some blood. She took 30 milliliters. It filled three blue vials, three purples, and two oranges. It was a lot of blood and made me very tired. I watched more tv. Then, about an hour later, the nurse came back and said that they needed MORE blood because some of it got oxygen exposure and clotted. So they started to take more from my left hand. Sadly enough it wouldn't come, so they had to poke me AGAIN on my right hand. I have four band-aids now. Anyway, about ten minutes after that, the nurse comes back and says the blood took and they'll be in shortly to give me my dishcharge papers to go home.

Well, when I first went into the ER, all the nurses and doctors were saying that all I had was a migraine, but the nerve doctors said it was a stroke. All the tests came up okay, but the doctors said it was was they call a TIA stroke, or a Mini-stroke, a stroke smaller and less fatal than the average stroke. They said the reason nothing showed up is that it was either too small or that we came too late. So I was taken off some of my medication and told not to take any drugs, or to drive for at least three days. They said the headache would fade, but if it reached above a 7 on the scale, to immediately call the hospital because if I have another stroke, it could be fatal to my life. So now I am home and very very exhausted. My headache is still here, but everything else is gone. So that's my week so far. ^^

Well, I didn't mention a lot of the problems I had been having with Zac. Well, I have absolutely no problem with Weed. In fact, I smoke it a lot. Big freakin' deal. BUT! Whenever Zac did it *cough* all the time *cough* he would criticize me. I never paid much attention to it until he told me that I looked insecure with make-up on. I got mad and ignored him for a while. And, he was much too lazy to go down the the DMV and get his fucking license, so I had to literally drive him anywhere he wanted to go. He was kinda a control freak too. So, I broke up with him last week. On like, Saturday, two days after the dance.
So, Monday, I get a call from Matt. He wants me to come hang out at his place. Of course I go "Okay, see you soon." So I get there and Caitlin and Dobson (her bf) are just chillin'. I smile and sit on the couch beside Matt. We watch The Mask and just talk for a while. Real simple but really fun. Then Caitie and Dobson leave, leaving Matt and I alone in his house. Well, unexpectedly, we start making out. OMG AMAZING! Best kisser ever lol. Anyway, a little while later I pull away and look at him, smiling, and he says "I'd like for us to be more than just friends..." I nodded and now we're together happily. So now it's been three days and I've been a lot naughtier than EVER lol.
Yay for me!

-Iz

So, I'm completely exhausted cuz I just got back from a major dance (like, a rave-type dance). I decided, while there, that I am going to quit my job once I find a new one (I am currently searching).
MEANWHILE!
While at the dance, a slow song came on for those couples and stuff. Well, my bf didn't come to the dance, so, w/e I went and sat down on a chair to chill for a minute. (I had gotten punched a few times tonight lol long story). Then, out of the blue, my friend Caitlin grabs my arm and drags me onto the dance floor, slinging me into the arms of a beautiful guy named Matt. I've known Matt for 4 years, and I've liked him this whole time. Well, we're dancing (Slow) and talking, then Caitie comes over and pushes us closer together. Apparently, as known later, she didn't know I am currently with someone. Anyway, I really like Matt, and apparently he REALLY likes me too. He doesn't know I have a b/f, so we danced a LOT. Slow and fast, to a lot of techno with strobelights too lol. But yeah, I really really like this guy. Sadly enough, I like him more than Zac. I've known Matt a lot longer, too. I just dono what to do. I'd much rather be with Matt. Call me awful, but I really like Matt.......
I think I'm going to give Zac a call and tell him that we're going to break for summer, and see what happens......
EEK!
-Izzzooooo

I absolutely hate the working class.
Yesterday, I was horribly sick with some sort of cold/one-day-flu. I've been off and on sick since Sunday, when I had to take off work. My manager called me yesterday while I was barely awake and delirious and tells me that things aren't working out and that she's going to have to take me off the schedule. I just say okay because I can't understand half of what she says since my brain isn't working correctly. I hang up and go back to sleep. Later my boss/the owner calls and tells me the same thing. I understand most of it and she tells me that I can work in the Cafe itself (I was working in the side shop of the cafe). I shrug, then realize she can't see me, and say okay, that works, it's just that I have to have a free day on weekends (mostly for social purposes of course!) and she doesn't seem to understand that and tries to get me to work ALL weekend (Friday-Sunday). I tell her no, I won't work those days, and she keeps bugging me to work on weekends. I truly don't understand that lady.
So, now I have to call her and find out what the crap is going on. I have bills to pay and need a freaking job!!!

I'm not so sure how I feel today. All I did the entire night until I went to bed was yell at Zac and have him yell back. But I got our prom pictures today, the professional ones, and now I realized what I actually do like about him. He makes me happy a lot, but sometimes just does something really stupid to make me angry. Why are boys so dumb in that way?

I'm not so sure how I feel today. All I did the entire night until I went to bed was yell at Zac and have him yell back. But I got our prom pictures today, the professional ones, and now I realized what I actually do like about him. He makes me happy a lot, but sometimes just does something really stupid to make me angry. Why are boys so dumb in that way?

Well, my dad isn't as bad as usual, but my sister doesn't understand the fact that I'm not her chauffer. Sisters are officially stupid.
As are the boys around me. EXPECIALLY my boyfriend. One of these days he's gunna get what he deserves. Has he ever heard of RESPECT? Apparently not, considering he never shows me any. He talks over me more than half the time, does drugs around me when he KNOWS it bothers me, etc.
Oh, the drugs thing? Let me explain.
Yesterday, I went to his house because he wanted to see me, even though I was extremely tired and sunburned and just wanted to go home and to bed. When I get there, he's sitting there smoking a joint. I rolled my eyes and walked outside. He followed me and asked me what was wrong. I said:
"I told you the other day I don't like drugs, and you're sitting here, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, smoking! I don't like it at all."
He says: "Oh, okay."
So, like, ten minutes later, our friend Jerome swings by and asks if we want to go to his house to smoke a bowl. Immediately Zac says "Yeah sure, we'll be right over!"
I gawk at Zac, my jaw literally hanging open and he smiles at me like I've been smoking pot all day. WTF?!
So I glare at Zac and go and sit on a log outside again. Zac starts over to Jerome's house, then see that I'm nto following and walks over to me instead.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh. Absolutely nothing. Go do your drugs."
He SMILES and goes without me, leaving me sitting outside by myself for almost half an hour. I was pissed and almost started crying. I couldn't believe how stupid he could be. He comes back, eyes really red and a big, stupid grin plastered on his face. I keep my lips pursed and ignore him when he sits next to me. We go for a drive to his new house, then can't get in, so we go back to his house, where he smokes some more (to my frustration and chiking breathing). Then he decides to buy me dinner. I agree and get a burger with bacon. He tries to be all goody-goody for the meal, but I'm just cranky, and I tell him that. I tell him why I'm mad.
Then, to make it better, When we get back to his apartment, he decides to get the balls to say "Next time you should give me more than an hour's warning before you come over."
Me: "Why?"
Zac: "So I won't be smoking all day before you get there."
Me, angrily: "Well, maybe you shouldn't be smoking away brain cells all day." I was so mad at him, and I still am.
Zac, laughing: "Okay, I'll try."
I tell him good-bye and drive away. I've been angry since. Boys are so stupid.....

-Izzo

Okay, being without meds suck, I won't lie.
But it always made me really moody, which wasn't exactly bad, because it showed me a lot about how I really feel about things. It's been what, two weeks now? I've realized that I simply cannot WAIT until I am released from this hell called home. It's awful here. I realized how much I hate my sister and my dad. They both just sit and cause me constant stress.... I can't take it all that much longer. Just one more year and I'm gone. Thank god.

I haven't taken ANY of my ADHD medication in a week. I've never felt this CRAZY my entire life! I'm spazzy, hyper, and feeling ALIVE! I love it. I am the spotlight of lunch fun, the highlight of my own entertainment, and I'm NEVER bored! It's amazing! How did I ever come to feel so FAKEFAKEFAKE?!?! I will never return to that lame feeling of sitting still, attempting to understand the teacher. I've made more friends this last week than in my whole life, and I love the attention, I'm not gunna lie.It's amazing how often your attention span can change. I've never understood ADD until now. I never wanna forget this absolutely PERFECT feeling! HA! Well, off to somethign else! TOODLE-OOOOO!

Okay, so I lied a wee bit. I didn't quit saturday.... instead I quit wednesday lol. A few days later but oh well. I wonder how my boss took the news.... *ponders* I gave his a resignation letter, and stuck it in his box at work, and he didn't get back until today, so I'll have to pop over to the store to see if he said anything to anyone. or anything..... Or if he just took me straight off the schedule or what. I gave him two weeks notice, but I don't know if he'll actually give me those two weeks or if he'll just boot me immediately lol. Whatever works I suppose.

Okay, so I'm gunna blabber on about my latest crisis. Yesterday, I get to work, and it's boring, my least favorite person is working, my favorite person called in sick, one of my coworkers (she's okay) gets fired, etc. I honestly did not wanna be at work. I was cranky, tired, and really hungry. Well, abotu two hours into my dull shift, Brian, the cook for the MTN Burger comes racing over to me with a crazy look in his eyes.
"Sami!!! Oh god, go start your car, clock out, get ready to go to the hospital! Your mom cut off her finger!!" I stared at him for a second,t hen dropped the stuff I was scanning and blazed over to the deli where's my mom's eyes are puffy with tears and there's blood all over the floor around her. I flip.
"Jeez louis! What happened? Are you okay? Is your finger gone? What do you need?" She looks up at me and shakes her head, peeling back the thousands of paper towels that lay drenched in blood. The top of her finger is gushing blood, there's a cut the size of Mt. Everest from the nail all the way down to the first knuckle and back around and up the inside of her finger. I shudder in sympathy pain and tell her I'm going to clock us out and take her to the health center up the stairs and around the corner. I take off up the stairs, ripping our time cards out of the slot on the wall and zipping 'em through the machine. Then I walk, as calmly as possible, to the lockers and snatch our purses and coats from the locker. I speed down the stairs and clutch her arm, Brian on the other side with more paper towels. He was freaking out more than me!!! We walk her to the health center and they take a look at it, the wound still spouting blood like a fountain.
"The nerve is severed, we're gonna have to send you to Boulder Community." I look at the nurse like she's crazy.
"The hospital?!" I stammer, and zoom outside to get my car from the store. I pull around the corners and almost hit a few kids from the school (I apologized, don't worry!) on my way up to grab my mom. I help her into the car and we race down the mountain to the city. We get there and they look at it, about 20 minutes later, and it's still spurting crimson fluids! I was shocked at the intensity of the slice. They put us in a trauma room and give my mom some absorbant cloths. She goes through them in minutes and ends up using three containers total (that's 60 pads!). We sit there for almost three hours total, waiting most of the time for them to come sew up her injury. They finally come and it's still bledding, two hours later. They clean it out, numb it up, and tie it off. The bleeding stops for a few minutes, then they give her 6 stitches, which barely hold it together. He unties it and immediately it starts seeping blood again.
"Ew. Can't you stop the bleeding???" I'm really grossed out. I mean, there were nerves and muscles popping out! EW!
"No, it'll stop soon I'm sure." I roll my eyes and they wrap it up. They tell her to keep the wrap on for 24 hours, and the stitches in for 10 days. The wrap didn't stay on too well, and my mom is exhausted from the excitment and the blood loss.
We head back up the canyon, my mouth constantly open from yawning, and my mom's eyes fading gently. We get back to the store to show everyone the wrap and everything. We talk for a while then buy some cookies, pig out, then go home. When we get there, I eat an entire pizza and go pass out in bed. My mom goes to bed shortly after.

So, that's my crisis. And this time it's FOR REAL! lol Hope you enjoyed!

Can somebody remind me why I bother to stick around Ned? I mean, it's a beautiful town, but there's nobody here that makes me wanna stay. I mean, there's this one guy, and I dated him for a while, and he's a real good friend of mine now, but not even he seems to want me around. Here's why I hate being here so much:

This morning I ran up the driveway (About half a football field in length, all uphill) to catch the bus. When I got up there, I saw him already down the road, way past my house. I start back down to tell my dad so he can give us a quick ride to catch the bus, and as I head down, find my sister heading up.
"There's no point. He's already gone. I'll bet Dadd'll be pissed off," I remarked to her, listening to her grumble and turn around.
"You're probably right," She knew Dad was gunna be cranky too. Little did we know how mad he really was. As soon as we get back inside he starts full out yelling at me, not her.
"You stupid girl! I can't believe you missed the fucking bus. You're always late for everything!" He yelled for bit then threw his keys at me and screamed to start the car. So I did, and he kept yelling at me, the entire morning, ALL the way to the bus. I said thank you anyway when I got out of the car.

Then today at lunch, my principal comes up to me and tells me to come to his office once I get my lunch from the line. I nod my head and wonder what's goin' on. I walk quickly to his office to find out the issue. He opens his door with a frown. Immediately I know something's wrong. He tells me that he called the school that my boyfriend went to. He says that even though he can't tell me what happened (for confidentiality reasons), Zac did something really bad at the school before and can't come to our school for prom.

(Continued 4/26)

Well, apparently everything about Zac is a lie. His old school dug into police records and stole that information and told my school that he had drug problems and shouldn't be allowed at prom. Well, here's the REAL story according to Zac:
He was driving around town with his buddies, and had just eaten an Arby's sandwich. He was speeding and got pulled over by the cops. The cops decided that he smelled like alcohol (which was prolly the arby's), and pulled him out of the car and searched him and his friends. One of his friends had pot with him, so Zac got his license taken away and drug charges put on his record. That's what he says happened. *shrug* Whatever.

Anyway, I finally get to get a lock for my bedroom door!!! My younger sister tends to go into my room and steal things from me, like money and clothes. (I hate lil sisters) So, now my mom is going to get a lock for my door so she can't go into my room and take my things anymore. YAY! I get a key and my mom gets a key. That's it, no fuss about it. WOO!

Anotehr thing. So, I work two jobs, right? Well, at one of them, I am standing on my feet in one spot for 6 or 8 hours straight. I have tendon problems in my feet, so this isn't exactly the best job for me. I got home after only 6 horus of work last night, and what do you know? My feet are swollen and really blue. I cried it hurt so bad. So, on Saturday, I'm quitting! :D

That's my life lately, and I don't care if anyone even reads this, I just like to get this stuff out of my head. It's always nice to get advice ont his sort of stuff, btu lately I couldn't honestly care what people think. So, forget you all! I'm gunna run out of this world soon enough anyway! I am gunna push my way through the crowds and screw what/whoever I want lol. Have a great day!


Sami

Okay, I've figured a lot of stuffs out. I realized that half of the things I've felt for people aren't love at all, just lust. Except for three people: Zac, Frenchie, and Annika. Annika is one of my best girl friends. Suddenly a few years ago I started to like her, then it grew into love. She's someone I could never get over. Frenchie is an older guy I can never have, but I fell for him hard and fast. I still get heart-flutters when I see him. The third, Zac, is actually my boyfriend. We started out as co-workers, then I told him I liked him, then we started dating, etc. Now I love him to death. But I can't get over these two other people. I hate this. My head is spinning. And to be perfectly honest (which I have vowed to myself I would), I can't stop lusting after this other guy. I mean, his body is just.... delicious? And I want it lol

I dont't care about life anymore. Nothing seems to be going the right way. I have an appt with my therapist tonight, so I'm hoping she can make me feel better. This is the worst day I've had in quite some time.....
My sister enjoys my public humiliation and has been passing out extremely embarrassing pictures of me to everyone I know allllll day. Then I found out my boyfriend has been too lazy to go and get a Colorado ID, so he can't go to prom with me. Then he starts full-out lecturing me on the fact that I wear make-up and how it makes me look insecure. I pretty much just wanna sit in a rainstorm and bawl my eyes out..... Someone just put me outta my misery.

-Samizzo

It snowed today...... again....... This is probably the thousandth snowfall we've had this year. we had 64 straight days of snow starting in december. I'm really quite tired of the snow. I personally have no use for it except almost dying on my way to the store or something. Anywho. I definitely got asked when I was getting married yesterday. Weird if you ask me lol.

I'm very tired of being me. I mean, I don't mind me at all, it's just everything that happens around me. My mother now restricts the time I am allowed to spend with Zac, which pretty much makes me want out of the house. She made me clean up all hers and my dad's dishes from a big dinner they had. I was very frustrated. Then my younger sister starts spazzing out on me about how I should be at home and blah blah blah. She pretends to be better than me and always tries to shove me around. My dad never stops drinking, though lately he's been better about it. I'm not so frustrated with my dad as I am my other family members.

Also, my school life is exploding with the word FAILURE. I am a huuuuge procrastinator, and hate to do my home/school work. Because of this, I am failing 4 out of 6 of my classes. It doesn't help that there's always something going on and I never have an actual time or place to just sit and do the actual work. I found out Monday that I will have to attend Summer School if I want to graduate next year. I'm bummed. Three weeks out my already shortened summer spent learning history, my least favorite subject. Lame. And to make things worse I'm PMSing like mad right now, so I'm exhausted and extremely moody. Not a good mix. Well, gotta go do some actual schoolwork..... toodles.

Okay, so, screw the guy from the last entry. I'm done with that kind of guy. That used to be all I would go for. Now I've moved on. I'm dating the most wonderful guy in the whole universe, lemme tell ya. His name is Zac, and I'm more in love with him than I've ever been with anyone else. He's sweet and shy and the most caring creature this planet has ever seen. He treats me like a fucking queen (which is much more than I ever ask for) and makes me feel very appreciated. I am probably the lowest maintenance girl you will ever meet, but he tends to everything. I feel spoiled and it kinda bugs me. I'll have to mention something to him about it I suppose. I can't help but always want to be around him. He just.... makes me happy :)

Why does the male population have to be so confusing? One minute they claim to like you, then the next they are dating some sheila that you don't like...... Then a few moments later they say they want you back..... I am tired of the shenanigans boys play. They make me think a lot, and when I'm tired, like now, I just don't really feel like thinking much. Though, at this point, it's entirely impossible NOT to think.
Anyway, back to the main subject. Boys. Ridiculous, intolerable, slow-minded, bumbling idiots. They must stay up night after night thinking up new ways to frustrate me. It's not like I can help liking someone.......or loving for that matter. But men don't have to take the time to play foolish games with my fragile heart, okay????? Take a certain guy for example. I won't name names, because that would be dangerous to the both of us. Many, MANY suns ago, I fell for him, and was too happy for my own good. I shoulda known then that something was up. This guy was charming and he had great looks and the perfect sense of humor. I told him I liked him, and, to my surprise, he liked me too. Life seemed grand. Then things started to fall apart when the newbie walked into the picture and took over the entire thing. She knew nothing of the situation, but instead took the opportunity of ignorance to pounce on my kill. He took her bait and was entrapped in her trickery. Many weeks later, he comes to me, in a secluded area and tells me he isn't as happy in her cage as he was convinced he would be, and that he misses being wild and free with me. My already crushed heart wanted to run away and grab a pot, to throw over its head and bang with a metal spoon until it died. It was happily suicidal. It still is. So, I may be in a rather pissy mood tomorrow, and now those of you who read this, will know why. Thanks have a nice day.....


Here's my Saint Patrick's Day entry (attempted Irish-language, translated below):
Di duit! Cad e mar are tu?
Hello! How are you?

Now my version of Irish slang (Just using Irish words to describe my day):
All right? I'm langered, naturally! Though I was quite peckish earlier.
I had to deal with a randy lad, and I was barmy like none-other! I might have yelled "Barmy and Blast!" if I had so felt like it. Well blow me down it was a beastly time getting the lad to belt up! I was au fait with his behavoir, as I should have been. He's a blinkered, beastly, biggie! It is blatantly so. I was brassed off, as usual, but, the lad's still cracking, mate! Crikey moses he's a fit bloke! And of course, the night left me full of beans! The goolies were close to kicked t'night. Lad's a gormless one. Needed Her Majesty's Pleasure if I ever did see. One nigh' there would leave me chuffed to bits. I cocked up tonigh' though. Almost got meself a love bite. No need for that now! Nark be my style now, but twas not the case earlier... Me mate was pissing around while I was on the job. Parky in the back, the lad lent his coat. We all acted a wee bit potty on account of the mice. It was quite put paid to when the store got sacked. Scrummy peanut butter was passed around, quite grand if I may say. The whole night was sixes and sevens! The lad was outright smarmy all night. Almost snookering clearly. Sod! Though lad's squidgy, I simply MUST say! I find myself feeling wacky tacky-like. Enough waffling, toodle pip!

You know what???
FUCK FRANCE!
Yes, you read that right.
I've given up on Frenchie.
He't a stupid, immature guy who bring's waaaaay too much drama to my life.
So, oh well.
Life sucks and I'll get over it.
-Sami

Things are not getting any better for me.
Yesterday, Frenchie tells the girl Katie that he's going to France in two days. Yeah, thanks for telling me. He tells her (not me), right next to me, then comes and tells me he might be gone in a few days. Then he tells me I need to stop being so pissy (I was really upset yesterday because of the pictures). How the hell am I supposed to be calm when I'm never going to see the love of my life again? He didn't even give me a chance to say good-bye.....
If he leaves, and I never see him again, I WILL kill myself.
I don't even fucking care anymore......
I will have nothing left to live for....

-Sami

Well.
I've officially almost died *thinks*..... three times this year.
Not naturally.
By my own hand.
You see, I just found out within this month that I have this irritable little thing called depression. I always see the downside of everything, and always have terribly awful pains throughout my body.
So, that on your mind, my life is starting to spiral away from my control. My so-called boyfriend, Frenchie, is completely comfusing me. He tells me he likes me so much, but then he goes and flirts with other girls. Oh, and his "ex"-girlfriend (she says they're still together) messages me with all this shit about people telling her Frenchie and I are fucking every night and shit like that. First off, I'm a goddam virgin thanks. Secondly, who in their fucking RIGHT MIND would do that to me?? What have I ever done to them anyway....?? Then, to make matters worse, I go to see my dear Frenchie today, and I catch him holding hands with a girl I work with... who is MARRIED. WTF??????!!!!!! I immediately walked away, pushing it out of my mind. Then, I talk to him later, and apparently, SOMEHOW, someone 'found' some..... not-so-appropriate.... pictures I took one EXTREMELY drunk night, and sent them around. And you'll never guess who got ahold of 'em. Yep. Frenchie. So now he thinks I'm easy. I was completely drunk when I took those pictures, and I only gave them to ONE person, one of my best friends in the entire the world, who told me I could trust him with anything, and that he was always there for me. And what does he do? Betrays me. Completely. So, now, I have no friends I can trust out in the real world, nobody will let me be alone (not even for two seconds), and I just want an easy escape. I seriously contemplated getting the key to the gun cabinet upstairs. I walked up the the case the keys were in. Luckily, the phone rang and I had to answer it, and as I hung up, my sister got home. I have completely lost control of everything, even my own will to live. I am so drained from crying all the time. I just wanna sleep and never wake up..........

-Sami