God, I just realized how tired I am. I hate it when it hits me like this and no one, no matter how hard I try to find somene, is ever around to see or help these goddamn moods of mine, well, except Amorette and my mother, and they hardly compare to human or humane(whichever you prefer) company.
*sigh* I'm tired of beating up on myself cause, over all, I feel pretty damn worthless. I'm tired of getting yelled at it. I'm tired of petty teenage bullshit. I'm tired of wondering who I am and whether or not I'm a good enough person. i'm tired of doubting myself. I'm tired of my mother's accustions and abuse. I'm tired of her yellling at Katie and making Katie feel like sit when I know she hasn't done anything. I'm tired of the fact that my mom blames our bad luck sdtreack on my sister, the neighbors, me and various and asundry other "culprits". I'm tired of having my friendlist closely monitered because mom thinks my friends might "talk" about her. I'm tired off getting told to "stop all that bullshit" when I don't even know what "all that bull shit" is. *sigh* I'm tired of her opinion corrupting mine and then getting yelled at for it by friends. *sigh* God that sounds so whiney . . . Well, there it is. Whiney or not, I guess, overall, I'm just really damn tired.

Oh my god, This week just keeps getting better and better. First I have testing through Wednesday, and mind you I hate tests. Especailly important ones, and these could determine whether I get back into public school or not. *sigh* well, and then I've been crabby and moody all week cause of next wek and the 29th adn I haste it wehn I'm all crabby and moody and now . . . now my boyfriend decides to feign suicide as a joke on me . . . *sigh* This week in total has sucked at leadt Katie's comming over today for an early "Easter Dinner". That makes me happy. Watch, she'll have to cancel. And then next week there's the 29th. Cjhristian won't be home till 5 and I have voice lessons that day . . . I'll walk in the studio all puffy from crying and its just gonna be a bad lesson cause Iwon't be able to sing and it'll be horrible. *sigh* God, sometimes I hate Christian I was at least in a halfway non-depressed mood and then . . . He just had to go and get all suicidal on me cause it'd be funny. *sigh* oh well . . .

*sigh* Today was a good day, but then I started thinking about Jenny. I miss her a lot. And I won't even be able to go up to Government on Tuesday . . . It'll be 2 years on Tuesday. 2 years. I feel like saying wow, but wow is generally something you say about something extrordinary. That's just sad, for lack of a better word. Mom doesn't even remember. It'll be 2 years in 4 days and she doesn't even remember or maybe she's just blocked it out, I don't know. I feel like doing something to make a tibute for her, but I don't know what. God, I miss her . . . 

What is love? We all know that love can do some strange things to a person, but what is it. Just some chemicl reaction that happens when everything just seems to click? What are the pyscholigical asspects of love? Is it just sometihng imaginary? Why do we believe so strongly in something we have no proof that exists? Why are we hopeful of something that can ultimately be the destruction of someone?
What is the human's facination with this tihng called love? Why d some fear it and some risk everytinhg to find it? Why do some break there souls just to keep from finding it? Is love really for everyone or are some people not suited for it? Is there really a guaranteeed one person for everyone? If so how are you certian to find this person, what if you miss yor chance with them?
I guess the answer depends on the person. I guess every person is looking for the answer to these question themselves. I suppose there could be no such thing as love, just lust and compatiablity. But the hopeless romantic in me urges me to believe. Urges me to put myself out there to find someone who could interest me and that would be interested back. Another part of me reasons maybe there is no such thing and love is just another concotion of the idealist in me. I guess maybe we just have to have faith.
And what makes a person fall head over heals? Is there such thing as love at first sight? Is there certain qualities each person looks for in someone that would make them fall in love? Or do opposites attract? Is it different for every person? Do we spend the whole entire time looking for one type of person, when really that's not the type of person we would really fall in love with? Out of the 7 billion people on the planet, if there is one person for you, what are your chances of finding them? Is there really no hope? Should we just quit while we're ahead? Is everyone of us bound to end up alone anyway? Would giving up on love and learning to rely on yourself work out better than being hopeful? Does everyone deserve love? If not, how do you tell whether you do or not?
I guess that's enough for today, this could turn really depressing, but I'll leave it on that note.