Marry me girl be my fairy to the world, be my very own constellation. A teenage bride with a baby inside...

Ah...pain is back. But I don't think it's because of what I had earlier. No, what's left of that is me not really wanting to eat due to fear of throwing it back up. Blegh. Ah well, hopefully it'll go away soon. Hopefully.

Again, I don't know if I'll be on much today. We're going to the doctor because Matthew needs to get a full body X-Ray. They told my parents that they're worried that he may be growing to fast for his age. So was I when I was younger but they didn't do that to me. ;-; *sniffs*...Heh. It's probably because he was born premature. And had a lot of things going on with his body when he was much younger. So, yeah. We have to go by eleven and right now it's almost ten thirty. And then whenever we get back home, my siblings are going to use the comp no doubt, so it'll be a while for me to get on. I just got on right now. But, yeah.

Mm, started reading The Iliad today. If it weren't for the fact that I had to go clean and stuff, I would be too engrossed in the book to even be online right now. Eheh. Love it so far. And my bookmark is so pretty. And shiny. XD

Ugh, pain got worse. So I think I'll go soon. I also have to go change. So, yeah. Adios mis queridos. <3 <3 <3

Getting high on information, and buy me a star on the boulevard. It's Californication...
Californication by Red Hot Chili Peppers

I have a new book! ^.^ And a new bookmark. And it's SEXEH! XD It's a pretty green bookmark that says Joy on it. I lurve it. And the book that I got is The Iliad by Homer. I'm gonna start reading it tonight. But right now, I'm gonna get some rest. My legs are so freakin' sore. Gah. XD Anyways. Yeah. Adios mis queridos. <3 <3 <3

...

Yeah. I think it's safe to read now.

...

IGNORE IT DANMIT!

...

There. I'm better now.

She shines in a world full of ugliness, she matters when everything is meaningless...

Sick. So freakin' sick. My stomach is killing me and I have a fever. I didn't even get more than four hours of sleep last night. Blegh, tiredness. -.- I doubt I'm going to eat much today. I'll just end up throwing it up. Woo, like anybody wanted to hear that. >> << Eheh, sorry. Pwease don't hurt me. ;-;

Ow, pain. >.< I need hugs...and medicine. o.o

Mm, I feel like listening to Nine Inch Nails. I lurve them. ^-^ I just don't lurve the pain in my stomach. Evil thing. *sighs* Anyways, I might be going to the mall sometime during the weekend. And on my birthday, I may not be here. Well, maybe I won't be here on the day before my birthday. Seeing as my birthday is on a Sunday this year. I think we're going to Sea World. For Matthew only. So he can see teh FISHIES! XD

...And maybe next year I might be gone for a week or so. ROAD TRIP! XD My dad said probably to Oregon. Or as far as we can go through the states by the Mexican border. Woo! >> <<

...This was pure and utter randomness by the looks of it. So I better stop now. Adios mis queridos. <3

Fragile...she doesn't see her beauty, she tries to get away. Sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving. I can't watch her slip away...
Fragile by Nine Inch Nails

Conquest to the lover, and your love to the fire, permanence unfolding in the absolute...

Well, I just got back from spending some time with my mom and siblings. Or in other words, I'm trying to get over a headache. They basically left me to take care of the things and leftover pizza while they went off to play arcade games. I think I almost fell asleep. I spaced out and yeah. Anyways, played a few games, got bored, and went back to taking care of the things. It was an on and off cycle.

Now I', back home with an even bigger headache all thanks to my sister. It's her own damn fault she keeps on riping her homework because her freakin' attitude. And then she starts yelling and bitching about it. And me and my dad aren't in the best state of mind at the moment. S'why we're all taking therapy soon. Woo. And I can't handle all the noise either. Makes me feel nervous and scared for some reason. And I just started crying because of it. Yay. More moodyness, desire to me comforted(and held) and lack of affection. So much fun. </3

Dude, I feel so complex when it comes to how I want people to comfort me. -.- I don't want any of their bullshit words and looks of pitty but I also don't want to feel ignored, worthless and unloved. Hell, I don't know what I want really. But, yeah...

Poetry, poetry, poetry. I almost wrote another poem yesterday. Or was it the day before that? Eh, not too long ago. I was gonna write another one of my angsty love poems, by the looks of it. I started it off with Lack of affection... and then stopped. o.o Now I feel like writing a non-angsty love poem. Yay! Lurve meh. <3

So, yeah. That's it. Headache is going away and I'm starting to feel mellowish. And that's it. Adios mis queridos.

Forgivness is the ultimate sacrifice. Eloquence belongs, to the conqueror.
Sad Statue by System Of A Dowm

This may never start, I'll tear us apart, can I be your enemy?

Well, I think I'm only going to be on for a little bit today. Unless I can mangage to get back on later tonight. Going to go visit my grandpa in about an hour. It's barely going to be 4:30pm. And I don't know what time we're going to leave because they make the visitors leave at eight at the place where he is staying. Unless he was taken back to the hospital. Because I heard my grandma talking to my aunt about that on the phone. Eh, I don't know.

Anyways, tomorrow, I doubt I'll be on much. Maybe in the morning and sometime during the evening. But other than that, I'm going to be over with my mom for most of the day. So, yeah. Ooh, before I forget. I accidently found a website that has free J-Rock audio and video. And anime too. o.o It does look a little off, but it's free damnit. >> << Link's in my description. Der. .__.;;;

So...moving on. Guess that's it. So yeah, adios mis queridos.

Losing half a year, waiting for you here, I'd be your anything...
Memory by Sugarcult

FUCK YOU!

Mm, I think starting today I may not be on as much anymore. Because of the divorce, I'm going to be going back and forth between my parents from now on. Today I'm going to visit my grandfather for a while, seeing as he's been placed in some sort of home, and then I'm going to the mall with my dad and siblings to get some clothes for my sister. My dad can't leave us alone or else he'll ge in trouble. Plus my dad needs me to help him with my sister. In other words, I have to help her find things she likes and then wait for her in the dressing room. And the next year I'm going to have so much fun telling her about the "joys" of being female. Woo.

I mean, now me and my sister are the only girls in the house. There's my dad and my two brothers. And I'm older than my sister, and my brothers too, so eh. I have to start being a bit more nice to her. Anyways, Sunday...I may be here. But not as much because I doubt my dad will let be on as much. And on Monday, we're going to be with my mom. Well, it's the 4th of July, so a couple of people may not be on much on the day anyway.And then there's Wednesday. I may not be here on that day either. And I think we may have to go with our mom next weekend. But, until she gets a place of her own, we're only going to be with her until some time in the evening.

I guess that's how my summer is going to be. I'm wondering as to what's going to happen on my birthday. Blegh. But then when school starts, I'm going to be busy with homework and such, so...I'm not sure. We'll see. Well, I have my cell phone, so I can atleast talk to some people that way. Eh, it's all confusing. And I may have to move again. If we can't keep the house, my dad is going to have to rent one here in South Gate. Most likely with two or three rooms. This house has four rooms, two bathrooms(Well, one and a half), a house in the back, a garage, and living room and such. Ah well, doesn't matter.

Then my dad might give Shadow away. Eh, he's our dog. Well, he might give him away because he was basically my grandpa's dog in the first place. He grew to love him, really. So...*shrugs*

Eh, there was more that I was going to put down, but now I can't remember. So, yeah. Adios.

...And just when I thought my Launch radio was so Emo, Hot Stuff by Dona Summer started playing. There is hope. I just need more reggaeton and Spanish music, and maybe some of the Emo-ness will go away. >>;;;

...Well, this sure was pointless. I didn't want to rant about family life at the moment. No. I wanted to rant about my damn Emo Launch radio. DIE DAMNIT! *sulks*...Kay. 'Nuff said. Adios.

Well, I'm currently at my aunt's house. My siblings and I had to leave our house very suddenly because of our mom. Dad went to pick us up. We had to go with him so he could get a restraining order on my mom. And he also hurried the process of the divorce. He said that she'll be out by tomorrow...so we can go back to the house. We had to sleep over at my aunts house last night. And I only got less than three hours of sleep. Then again, I had to sleep on a couch. Heh. My dad, Matthew, and Vanessa all slept on a bunch of blankets on the floor. Eh, but they all snore. So of course I couldn’t sleep. I think I started crying too. Mm, can’t remember.

Still sick too. And now Vanessa and Matthew are as well. I don’t think I’ll be on later tonight. Dad is taking us to some random motel so we can all get a chance to sleep in an actual bed. Heh.

Grandpa got worse. My aunt, uncle’s, grandma and dad are already making plans for the funeral. I’ve never seen my uncle Celso and my cousin Gloria cry before. And just listening to them talk caused me to start crying too. 

Mm, mom came over just a while ago. My aunt and grandma told me not to open the door. Though I almost did. I just couldn’t take her crying and suffering. She just said that she was sorry and other stuff…my aunt started crying too. While Gloria just looked helpless and lost. Heh, we’re just a month apart. So she and I are pretty close even though we don’t get to talk that much anymore.

Right now I’m just kind of out of it…again. I feel like being held, but eh. I’ll live. Oh, and I found out that we really might lose the house. But my dad said that if we do, we’ll just rent one here in South Gate in order for us to continue to go to school here. He doesn’t want us to end up back in South Central. But my padrino (godfather) told my dad that if we needed anything, that we could go to him. Same thing my Aunt Maria and her family said. As well as my Uncle Celso and his family. Heh, guess some people are going to have to get used to yet another new number if they want to talk to me on the phone. Well, that’s if we lose the have to move again, that is. I found out my godfather isn’t religious. He’s either agnostic or atheist. Don’t know, but s’what my dad said. Awesome. He has a kick ass café, a beach house in Mexico, a Lexus, and lives in Pico Rivera. Eheh.


Eh, there’s so much else that I want to say, but I don’t know how. So I guess that’s it. Adios gente.

Mom's out of control at the moment. And my dad is gonna come and pick us up because he doesn't want us here with her. I think my siblings and I may end up staying at my aunts house for now. So I don't know if I'll be on that much. But they have a computer, so I may be on a bit. But not much seeing as it's their house, not mine. And I'll have my cell phone with me, so yeah. That's it...adios.

Heh, I think I'm probably going to have constant mood-swings for a while. Seeing as right now I'm silently seething in a violent rage that I can barely contain. Funny thing is, I don't exactly know why I'm even this angry. I mean, yeah, life at home isn't exactly that great, but I just feel really angry. Eh, I've been feeling this bout of anger all day. On and off, anyways.

Mm, just found out that my grandpa doesn't have that long to live. Three months or so tops. Unless he gets better, then...*shrugs slightly*Best not dwell on it much. Jesus Christ, my life has just been so dramatic since my second semester of 8th grade. And now I'm heading on towards 10th grade. Lots of ups and downs.

Feeling numb, depressed, angry, out of it or just mellow. S'how I've been since last Friday. Heh. Oh well. C'est la vie. I'll live, I guess. Well, I better stop bitching now. Adios.

So tired. Matthew woke me up again.-.- But at the moment he's in my room watching cartoons, while laying on my bed. Eh, as long as he's not causing trouble.

I saw Carlos Mencia: Not For The Easily Offended last night, and oh God it was freakin' hilarious. XD I kept laughing and giggling while watching it. And I hardly giggle irl. Except that one time on the phone, but...-.-

Anyways, yup. That guy is hilarious. Lots of cursing though. But he's sarcastic and realistic. So of course I think he's awesome. Matthew watched part of it with me. Is it okay for a two year old to watch something with so much cursing? Heh, oh well. Too late now. Is not like he doesn't here all the time here. Eheh...

Second day of summer vacation for me. And I'll be here until September 6th. Which is when I start school. Woo. My aecond year of high school. Hopefully it'll be better than the first. Way better. -.-

Eh, it's almost nine now. And I'm starting to get hungry. And thirsty. So, I'll probably end this soon. Mm, I'm almost done with the manga Jasmine gave me. Pita Ten vol. 6 almost made me start crying though. I bet the last two will cause the same reaction to occur again, though. Woo...-.-

Anyways, that's it for now. So, yeah. Adios.

Hey you with the wedding dress on
Made of white chiffon blowing in the wind
Hey you with the dreams in your head
You've been so mislead by your heart's pull
I know you're waiting for your ship to come in
You anxiously wait for such a long time
You're just like my Ken and Barbie Doll
You dress up and play the game
You're just like my Ken and Barbie Doll
You're name will never change

Hey you with the eyes full of hope
You think you can rope your desire
Hey you, you naive thing
Your patience in time will tire

I know you're waiting for your tide to roll in
How did you ever set such high hopes?
You're just like my Ken and Barbie Doll
You dress up and play the game
You're just like my Ken and Barbie Doll

You're name will never change
You're just like my Ken and Barbie Doll
In a plastic world of make believe
You're just like my Ken and Barbie Doll
You know he's gonna leave
-Hey You by No Doubt

Yes, I know...my second entry of the day...bugger off.

Anyways, I'm not going to summer school by the looks of it. Something my dad told me. Anyways, yeah. I'll be here all summer.

On a lighter note, [Shishiru] made me a turtle. X3 Isn't he precious? ^.^


(Shishiru's Turtle Adoptions)

I love him, Shi-Chan! <3

...Mm, that's it. Adios again.

My emotionaless facade is starting to crumble again. Meh, stupid emotions are starting to rise and I feel like throwing a fuckin' tantrum. Heh, childish...but eh.

Oh well, I'm just gonna bear it all. I know that alot of other people have it worse than me, so I shouldn't get so worked up about it I guess...that's always my excuse. That others have it worse than me. And it's true. I mean, I'm just a tad emotionally unstable, but I'm fine. No scars on my body or anything. Well, there is one on my right leg but that was an accident. -.-

Ah...I just can't hold in the emotions anymore at the moment. I either need to let them out or find something to distract me. Eh...pointless entry, so I'll stop. Adios.

Pure and utter hell. That's how my day has been. FUCKING AWFUL. First, I go to the hospital to visit my grandfather...my dying grandfather. He can't hear well, he can't talk well, and he's dying. He clung to my hand, and I almost started crying. I fuckin' swear, a wave of grief washed over me that...god.

My aunt and cousins were there before me and my family got there. Well, they came down to take care of Matthew, and well...I left my grandfather's room. I couldn't take it. I was already on the verge of tears, so I went back downstairs. My aunt and cousin Gloria saw that my eyes were kind of red, and my aunt asked me what was wrong once I sat down in the chair next to her. And that just caused me to breakdown in front of her. In front of my cousin. My uncle...and strangers. Heh.

My parents came back down about twenty minutes afterwards. So, we went back home and picked up my siblings so we could go to City Walk. Oh, everything was fine when we got there. It wasn't until we were getting to leave that everything went to fucking hell.

I can't explain. Lots of yelling, crying, swearing...from me and my parents. God, I wish I could just put down every fuckin thing that was said and that occured. Please, I can tell when people are cheating on someone. I'm not fuckin blind. I know. And most of the time, I'm right. I never fuckin say anything though. Because I always think that I'm being fuckin paranoid. That son of a bitch called and I didn't say shit. Again, i thought that I was being paranoid. But, no. I was fuckin right. My mom set us aside for some stupid fuck who would most likely abuse us if my dad couldn't take care of us.

My dad better fuckin win the case, because I am not going to stay with my mom. No matter how much I care about her. She already told us that our mom was dead. Heh, to which I replied I've been dead for a long time now. I mean, I didn't say enough of how I feel, but it was something.

I mean, I love my parents. I really do. I love my dad and I love my mom. And right now, I'm just angry. I'm sorry for my mom and what she has to go through. And all the shit that she feels. And I'm sorry that sometimes we make her feel left out, and worthless. When we really do care about her...

I'm also sorry for my dad...he tried to be the perfect father. And I tried to be the perfect daughter. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, I'm still a fuckin virgin and I even promised him that I would NEVER allow a guy to touch me in any manner that I didn't want to be touched and that I would wait until I was either married or ready to have sex. And I'm still going to respect his wishes. Because that is also what I want.

I'm still going to try to be the perfect daughter. The perfect sister. The perfect friend. The perfect girlfriend. The perfect person...I never said that I was or will be. I'm just going to try. I'm going to try and make sure everything is fine with those around me. I'm going to try and continue to be the blessing that my dad said my siblings and I are. I'm going to try...I really am.

Well, I should stop now...Adios.

Yay, the computer finally works. -.- Dad fixed it.

Anyways, I have started my first day of summer vacation with another cold. My voice sounds funny again. Woo. And the sniffling is back again too. Gah. >.< *blinks*...Rodrigo called me yesterday. And I have no idea how he got my number. I think Brenda may have given it to him. Jesus Christ, I've only been away for three hours and he already misses me. O.o Stalker...

Mm, went to the hospital yesterday. Another reason as to why I wasn't on. Went to visit my grandpa. Well, I didn't get to see him because my parents went in and stayed there for about two hours. My uncle Celso ended up staying with us while we waited. I ended up talking to my uncle and siblings. Mainly about school and stuff. And making fun of my brother and this girl that he's friend's with. >> <<

Eh, I don't think I'll be on much today either. I think my family and I are going to the hospital again, and my siblings are acting like brats, so I may be forced to go somewhere else as well. Anyways, yeah. Summer break...woo. Mm, adios now.

At School:

Woo. It is currently one in the afternoon...and I'm at school. Right now I'm in fifth period, and that is science. Only two people came to this class today. Me and this girl named Tamar, but she's off doing something right now. So, yeah. School looks pretty lonely compared to the usual crowdedness.

Eheh, I'm listening to my science teacher sing along to some Classic Rock songs that he's listening to from his laptop. I'm trying very hard not to laugh right now. Maybe I should pi on my headphones right now or something.

Anyways, I was on during fourth period. My English teacher let me. Seeing as me, Helen, and Colin were the only ones who came for his class today. Well, it is the last day of school so of course not alot of people came.

Gah! Stacy took a picture of me today during gym. Eh, Brenda, Rodrigo, Stacy and Jasmien all brought camera's today. I saw spots for a very long time this morning. And during lunch. Stacy said something about giving me the picture that she took of me to send to Matt. Yeah, if I like it I will. Otherwise, I'm burning that damn thing until I can take a proper one of myself later on.

Anyways, I think I am going to summer school this year. Seeing as even though I did all my work, as best as I could, I still failed algebra. Damnit. There goes my summer. Then again, I hardly do anything during summer and I'm going to have to walk at least half a mile each day. Eh, I don't feel like wasting money for the bus.

Mm, I mean, I don't have that much to look forward to this summer anyway. I don't even know about my birthday...BAD TO THE BONE! XD Eh sorry. S'what is playing from my teacher's laptop. Now I'm giddy. Heh. Anyways, yeah. Parents are splitting up and I don't know about my grandpa...I need something to distract me. And I'm not going to be gone that long, so yeah....

Well, Stacy, Cartlon, and Jasmine aren't going to their sixth period clas from the looks of it, so they are gonna go with me, Brenda and Rodrig with us to gym and hang out. And we're gonna play poker...with Jasmine's starbursts. XD

Well, hope they do go. Today is our last day together. I'm gonna miss them. Oh well, this is enough for now. I should stop. So, yeah. Adios.

Good moods fade pretty fast...

My grandfather is really sick again, and he's being taken to the hospital. I want to cry, so much...God, I just want to fuckin' cry. Its times like this that I just want to throw things around, break them, yell, and cry until I run out of tears to be shed...which I know in my case, will never happen.

I don't have a shell to hide in anymore. Many of those close to me know when something is wrong, and as time goes by, that number is decreasing. Heh, who really cares about me? I mean, who really knows that much about me? Heh, it doesn't matter. It's the same way when it comes to me and them, not just the other way around.

I'm not making any sense right now, sorry. I'm just...out of it again. And I don't really feel like talking to that many people. Just a select few. And that's only if they even want to talk to me. Sorry that I'm not being my usual cheerful, helping, and hyper idiotic self. That's life right? And the logic of life is...shit happens. Get over it....Heh, s'what I've been getting told lately. Shit happens.

Good moods fade pretty fast...

My grandfather is really sick again, and he's being taken to the hospital. I want to cry, so much...God, I just want to fuckin' cry. Its times like this that I just want to throw things around, break them, yell, and cry until I run out of tears to be shed...which I know in my case, will never happen.

I don't have a shell to hide in anymore. Many of those close to me know when something is wrong, and as time goes by, that number is decreasing. Heh, who really cares about me? I mean, who really knows that much about me? Heh, it doesn't matter. It's the same way when it comes to me and them, not just the other way around.

I'm not making any sense right now, sorry. I'm just...out of it again. And I don't really feel like talking to that many people. Just a select few. And that's only if they even want to talk to me. Sorry that I'm not being my usual cheerful, helping, and hyper idiotic self. That's life right? And the logic of life is...shit happens. Get over it....