[BrownEyed]'s diary

40971  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2003-06-24
Written: (7826 days ago)

I danced at the horizon of the world, on the edge of a knife
And I gave my wings to you
Before I could fly
Now I can only dance

Your lost fallen angel
Your immortal
Yours

My wings removed
I can no longer feel the air between my feathers
But I can remember, and I can still feel
I can still dance

My wings removed
So that I could be with you
But there are somethings your love cannot give back
And thats why I dance

I dance until my body breaks
To a beat, a heartbeat that can heal my heart
My soul yearns for the sky
But my legs are on the ground

I love you
I gave up my wings for you
But there are somethings your love cannot replace
And that is why I dance

40730  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2003-06-23
Written: (7827 days ago)

The sky is blue. The world is falling around your head. You bleed just to know that you exist, just to know for a fleeting instant, that the world is real, that you are real. You want to be cared for. I'm tired of taking care of myself. I'm tired of the fear on peoples' faces when they look into my eyes. I'm scared, and angry. I want to hurt someone, even if that someone is myself. I'm only angry at my mother and my step father for what they have done to my life. They think they are so great. They don't even begin to realize the pain that they can and have inflicted upon another being. So what am I to do now. Huh? Is there anyone out there listening? Tell me. Tell me why I am the way I am. I wish I could be angry at someone, to unleash my rage upon someone who has done me wrong. But I do so at the risk of causing that person death. I would wish death upon no one. Not even the most hated and loved person of my life now. My mother. I sit here in the lap of my mother and step father's luxury. This computer, this t.v., this home, that pool. All theirs. I'm only a guest here. I wish that my mother loved me. My head tells me she does, but my heart, my bones, my very soul tells me differently. I wish I belonged to someone. I wish someone would take care of me. But unfortunatly this is where fate has landed me. I will ride this until the wheels fall off. This is my life. No one can own my body, my soul, my mind, or my heart. They can't tell me what to say. They can't tell me what to do. They can't make me think the way they want me too. They can kill me, but at least I will die Janice. Not my mother's mistake, not my step father's misfortune.

But God it hurts. I'm not alone anymore but my future is so uncertain. My world is so unstable. I wish I had someone, something, someplace to hold on to. My body aches, my soul yearns for something, someplace, someone.
Maybe I'm just another fool. Another hopeless romantic fool who believes in the shining knight in white armor. I lay back in my bed and I close my eyes and I can see the knight that I let get away. I wish he would hold me again. Just one more time. I wish I could wake up to him, I wish I could give my virginity to him.

Because you see, he was my first love. My first unforgettable. He was the first person I danced with. The first person who's lips touched mine, the first person I ever tasted. He touched me for the first time. He held me as no one else ever had. He held me as if I were made of glass as if at any moment he was afraid I would break.

God help me, be merciful upon me, please I beg of you. I didn't think I loved him. I believe I loved him now. We spent only a week together and because I was a fool, because I was a spite full, ugly, nasty, frightened bitch driven by my god damned hormones I left him crying. God help me for what I was, for what I have done to him. Later, that pain came back to me ten fold. I lusted after another. I gave up my knight for him. But when it came down to it I couldn't give myself to this other one. It didn't seem right. But the pain that was unleashed upon me when I said "no" was irreversible. Oh yes, the ten fold rule came back to me. But I have paid my dues. I now live with the metal scars. Lord in Heaven save me from wanting my knight again. I do believe he is happy in the arms of another. I want him back, I want to make him happy, to give him everything I denied him before. But I also want him happy. I do not wish to ruin his life anymore than I already have. I beg of you. Please. Please.

39331  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2003-06-18
Written: (7832 days ago)

Working on getting some new stuff up. Maybe some stuff I've been doodling with. Here some of my new stuff.
To my Beloved,
Hi. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m sure “hi” is a great ice breaker. Well since we have never met (or if we had we don’t realize that we are meant to be together yet) I think it would be appropriate to tell you a little bit about myself. I’m not going to tell you my name because I don’t have yours and it wouldn’t be fair if you knew my name but I didn’t know yours. It would be giving you a head start. So what can I tell you about myself?
I think a lot. I think all the time. I’m constantly questing for answers. Sometimes I wonder if I’m searching for answers even while I’m sleeping because I have the strangest dreams. I can’t remember my dreams though. All I know is that sometimes they leave me scared or confused. It’s the only time I cry. I only cry when I’m alone and no one can see my tears. I hope that you will be able to handle waking up to hearing me crying. I hope that when I’m with you I won’t cry in my sleep.
I have brown hair. It’s black when it’s wet, its light brown in the spring and summer, and sometimes I think it’s too dark for anyone to love. I have dark brown eyes with long lashes. I have white skin in the winter, but it gets pretty tan in the summer. I refuse to go to a fake in bake. If I’m going to get a tan it’s going to be because I was outside. I’m short too. Let me just tell you that short is an understatement. I’m five foot one inch. I’m a little overweight too. Not too bad from what I’ve been told, but bad enough for me to feel a little insecure about it. That and I think my chest and butt are too big. I don’t know.
I don’t know who you are and if I do I’m obviously am not with you right now. I hope you’re happy. I wish you could tell me about yourself. I really can’t wait to meet you. I’m just another stupid hopeless romantic who clings to the idea that there has to be someone out there who will love me. There has to be someone out there who already loves me. That’s you. If it’s any consolation I love you too. I don’t make sense. You probably don’t make sense. But together we make sense. Together we’ll make sense. Just don’t up and die on me. I’ve been waiting all my life (which up until now has been very short) for you. I’ll wait all my life for you. I just hope we aren’t too blind to miss one another.
Yours Truly,
Waiting for your kiss

P.S. my favorite flowers are white roses

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