I've never forgotten you
I've never forgotten anyone
I always remember.
I remember that last day on the beach
I remember.
I remember what you said to me
I remember the look in your eyes
But, in remembering you
I've forgotten myself
God I hate the fourth of july weekend. I don't like my famlily. They're all a bunch of morons. They all come over to my house, get drunk, and in one situation, while their kid is watching. I got into a fight with my older cousin who was trying to take his kid home and the mother of his child, who was also drunk, was egging him to leave her child alone. I get between the child and my cousin and tell my cousin that I will take his 11 year old son and his friend home. He gets mad at me because I touched him to keep him away from his son. He gets mad at me, and god help me, I think the guy was going to punch me. I have never been more angry at two people in my entire life time. They have a perfectly healthy son. He is 11 years old, he doesn't have any deformities, he doesn't have any handicapps, he can be annoying, but for the most part he is a perfectly able bodied young boy. And here he is being raised by a grown BOY and a grown GIRL. GIVE ME A GOD DAMN BREAK. I have seen 15 16 year olds with babies and they are better parents to their kids than these two losers are.
A couple of days ago I picked up a hitch hiker. The guy was a 32 year old african american who had come to Indiana as a door to door sales man. He had just gotten out of prison for drug charges after being in there for two years. I gave him my email address. I hope I hear from Alfred soon.
I also had to flash my boobs to my manager. I lost a bet playing a game of high card and had to flash him my boobs. Oh well it's not a big deal to me anymore. I'm not one of those people that when they are dared to do something and they don't do it because it requires a little big of indeciency. That's bullshit. Besides it's not like the man hasn't seen boobs elseware
I'm also getting a tattoo. It's going to be two hundred dollars and is going to take two hours. I'm getting an incription that says "I've lived my life with regret. But I'll never regret having fallen in love." It's going to have a henna type/ indian type band around it and is going to be located on my left shoulder blade. Too cool huh. and my think my mom is going to pay for half.
My brother, his girlfriend, and her brother broke into my house. They stole seven hundred dollars from my step father, coins from my mother, jewelry from my mother, and clothing from me. She came around the next day at my father's house wearin gmy clothes! What a totally bitch! She says she is pregnant with my brother's baby but from what I've heard she has been sleeping with like three other people! She's ugly and I'm not just talking about physical ugly here. She is ugly through and through.
I danced at the horizon of the world, on the edge of a knife
And I gave my wings to you
Before I could fly
Now I can only dance
Your lost fallen angel
Your immortal
Yours
My wings removed
I can no longer feel the air between my feathers
But I can remember, and I can still feel
I can still dance
My wings removed
So that I could be with you
But there are somethings your love cannot give back
And thats why I dance
I dance until my body breaks
To a beat, a heartbeat that can heal my heart
My soul yearns for the sky
But my legs are on the ground
I love you
I gave up my wings for you
But there are somethings your love cannot replace
And that is why I dance
The sky is blue. The world is falling around your head. You bleed just to know that you exist, just to know for a fleeting instant, that the world is real, that you are real. You want to be cared for. I'm tired of taking care of myself. I'm tired of the fear on peoples' faces when they look into my eyes. I'm scared, and angry. I want to hurt someone, even if that someone is myself. I'm only angry at my mother and my step father for what they have done to my life. They think they are so great. They don't even begin to realize the pain that they can and have inflicted upon another being. So what am I to do now. Huh? Is there anyone out there listening? Tell me. Tell me why I am the way I am. I wish I could be angry at someone, to unleash my rage upon someone who has done me wrong. But I do so at the risk of causing that person death. I would wish death upon no one. Not even the most hated and loved person of my life now. My mother. I sit here in the lap of my mother and step father's luxury. This computer, this t.v., this home, that pool. All theirs. I'm only a guest here. I wish that my mother loved me. My head tells me she does, but my heart, my bones, my very soul tells me differently. I wish I belonged to someone. I wish someone would take care of me. But unfortunatly this is where fate has landed me. I will ride this until the wheels fall off. This is my life. No one can own my body, my soul, my mind, or my heart. They can't tell me what to say. They can't tell me what to do. They can't make me think the way they want me too. They can kill me, but at least I will die Janice. Not my mother's mistake, not my step father's misfortune.
But God it hurts. I'm not alone anymore but my future is so uncertain. My world is so unstable. I wish I had someone, something, someplace to hold on to. My body aches, my soul yearns for something, someplace, someone.
Maybe I'm just another fool. Another hopeless romantic fool who believes in the shining knight in white armor. I lay back in my bed and I close my eyes and I can see the knight that I let get away. I wish he would hold me again. Just one more time. I wish I could wake up to him, I wish I could give my virginity to him.
Because you see, he was my first love. My first unforgettable. He was the first person I danced with. The first person who's lips touched mine, the first person I ever tasted. He touched me for the first time. He held me as no one else ever had. He held me as if I were made of glass as if at any moment he was afraid I would break.
God help me, be merciful upon me, please I beg of you. I didn't think I loved him. I believe I loved him now. We spent only a week together and because I was a fool, because I was a spite full, ugly, nasty, frightened bitch driven by my god damned hormones I left him crying. God help me for what I was, for what I have done to him. Later, that pain came back to me ten fold. I lusted after another. I gave up my knight for him. But when it came down to it I couldn't give myself to this other one. It didn't seem right. But the pain that was unleashed upon me when I said "no" was irreversible. Oh yes, the ten fold rule came back to me. But I have paid my dues. I now live with the metal scars. Lord in Heaven save me from wanting my knight again. I do believe he is happy in the arms of another. I want him back, I want to make him happy, to give him everything I denied him before. But I also want him happy. I do not wish to ruin his life anymore than I already have. I beg of you. Please. Please.
Working on getting some new stuff up. Maybe some stuff I've been doodling with. Here some of my new stuff.
To my Beloved,
Hi. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m sure “hi” is a great ice breaker. Well since we have never met (or if we had we don’t realize that we are meant to be together yet) I think it would be appropriate to tell you a little bit about myself. I’m not going to tell you my name because I don’t have yours and it wouldn’t be fair if you knew my name but I didn’t know yours. It would be giving you a head start. So what can I tell you about myself?
I think a lot. I think all the time. I’m constantly questing for answers. Sometimes I wonder if I’m searching for answers even while I’m sleeping because I have the strangest dreams. I can’t remember my dreams though. All I know is that sometimes they leave me scared or confused. It’s the only time I cry. I only cry when I’m alone and no one can see my tears. I hope that you will be able to handle waking up to hearing me crying. I hope that when I’m with you I won’t cry in my sleep.
I have brown hair. It’s black when it’s wet, its light brown in the spring and summer, and sometimes I think it’s too dark for anyone to love. I have dark brown eyes with long lashes. I have white skin in the winter, but it gets pretty tan in the summer. I refuse to go to a fake in bake. If I’m going to get a tan it’s going to be because I was outside. I’m short too. Let me just tell you that short is an understatement
I don’t know who you are and if I do I’m obviously am not with you right now. I hope you’re happy. I wish you could tell me about yourself. I really can’t wait to meet you. I’m just another stupid hopeless romantic who clings to the idea that there has to be someone out there who will love me. There has to be someone out there who already loves me. That’s you. If it’s any consolation I love you too. I don’t make sense. You probably don’t make sense. But together we make sense. Together we’ll make sense. Just don’t up and die on me. I’ve been waiting all my life (which up until now has been very short) for you. I’ll wait all my life for you. I just hope we aren’t too blind to miss one another.
Yours Truly,
Waiting for your kiss
P.S. my favorite flowers are white roses