PIN 4214

My van has broken down and I have no way to get to school. I've missed two days of school, but my van is finally being towed and fix today. Josh is going to get up early and take me to school in the morning and I'll ask someone to give me a ride to Mike's to pick up my van. Hopefully it is fix by then. I'll pay for it then fill it full of some gas then I'll head out to Shelbyville, register for Karate class and go over to the brother's house and hang out with them. Not to mention I have tons of Spanish/ Governemnt/ Econ./ and Pre-Calc. I've got to work on since I missed the past couple of days. Shit when it rains it pours.

On the bright side I met Toni's parents yesterday and everything went off without a hitch. Looks like I'll be moving into their basement in a week or so. It's going to cost me $150 but I don't have to pay utilities or food. It's in Beech Grove, so it's not to far from my school now. Things are looking up in some way and down in others.

Vonnie wants me to leave. I have to find a place to go. That's about it for now

Today was great fun.

We went to Butler University to tape for Brain Game. I needed to go to the restroom and I dragged Layla (the Ukranian forgein exchange student) along with me to the bathroom. I forgot my class ring in the bathroom and when Layla and I walked down the stairs again the boys were waiting for me; apparently they were going to start taping soon. So I booked it into the studio. We didn't win but we tried our best. I answered a few questions and wasn't fast enough for others. I'm trying to remember everything. So I can write it down for you so you can feel as happy as I am right now thinking about today. But I can't. There are too many words and I'm not fast enough. I've got to go. Maybe Later

I don't want to leave them behind. I'll miss my brothers too much. I keep thinking that if I go to IUPUI or University of Indianapolis that I'll be close to them. But they wouldn't want that for me. They'd want the best for me. I just don't want to go away. I'm looking forward to going to Atlanta with them in the Summer. Hopefully they will still take me along. I dream of seeing the ocean with them. I have a group, and posse, an army. I feel like I could take over the world with them. I could be the reigning lady and master of a world all my own. I'd choose a small island off the coast Tihiti though, I hate this fucking weather.

I thought everything was becoming simpler. Just goes to show that I really never know whats going on.

Toni asked for a definition last night. Men with honor always like to do that. They want a term, so they know how to introduce you, how to treat you, what to tell their co-workers. I understand Toni's need for a definition, because I've been there before. I once asked Dale what we were, but unlike me, he wouldn't give an answer. I told Toni yes, but I don't know whether or not I'm really ready to begin again. I'm not really sure I want to fall very far. I'm not sure I'm ready to have a boyfriend again. 

But it was the only definition that I knew would fit. I had quelled Josh's advances because I wanted Toni. I had stayed over at the house later hoping he would be home early so he could walk me out to my van and kiss me goodbye. I guess that makes us an item. 

But recently Dale's been emailing me again. Soft emails laced with sweetness, nostalgia and pain. But after the last time we were together....I know. I know I really don't matter to him anymore. Last time he wanted what he wanted and he wanted it from me. 

I went over to his house the other day, and opened his locked house with the key he gave me in case an emergency should happen and I would need a place to go. I walked into his bedroom, hoping to see him there, wishing for the strength to be strong and to give him back the key that meant so much to me for so long. But he wasn't there. He had already left back for college. I breathed in deep and smelled the memories that I had left there. The passion, the loneliness, desperation, and love all seemed to linger in that room. That house, the place where I gave the last of my innocence, means so much to me. I locked the door when I left, feeling like I had closed the door on a long memory, a memory that is painful, but without it you know you wouldn't be who you are.

I spend alot of time working, reading, and doing alot of schoolwork anymore. Mostly to make sure I had no free time to think. And when I'm driving I play loud music, really loud, and think about Toni and Josh. But it's always in my bed alone that I miss the arms he held me so tight with. But I know I have to let them go.

Maybe Toni can change all of that. Maybe Josh could too. Maybe together, with enough friends and enough fun, I could create memories to contend with the ones I have now. If nothing else I know that you cannot cling to the past, even though it defines who you are. So I'll continue to step bodly into the future, knowing that the Brother's will catch me when I slip on black ice, and if they happen to aim wrong, Vonnie will not fail me, but if she can't be there then my family will find a way to be there for me. But if all else fails, I know that I piece of me belongs in Terre Haute Indiana, and he would never fully close his door to me. That is what it is, truly between Dale and I. We don't communicate, we just leave the doors open.

Yes Toni, we are dating. Yes I am you're girlfriend. It may not be serious, at least right now, but that is the definition you deserve and it's the definition that fits. I am your girlfriend.

Enter here
You'll find
I'm not far
behind
Listen
Near
Closer
Hear
I'm not far
behind
Singing long
lonely child
Lullaby
Remember I'm not
Far behind
Touching slowly
Feel it growing
I'm not
Far behind

anything to remove the pain. Anything??

I'm tired. Luckily I'm not doing anything tonight. I'll go home and cook some really tasty food, lean back in momma's chair for a could of hours and get somethings done. I've got a chem. worksheet and a chem. end of the year research paper. I've also got a spanish book report to do... in spanish. That's pretty much it though. I'm glad I got this far. I just need to continue to push myself. I just have to remember to finish tough to keep going strong. I'm digging deep. looking for inspiration. Where the fuck in a muse when you need one?

Now introducing Mrs. Van Daam from The Diary of Anne Frank... ME! And I'm also a leader on my High School Winter Guard, and a shift runner for Domino's. I have four really great male friends and that is not including the great friends I have that are in college. I am having alot of fun shopping for Christmas gifts even though I don't really like Christmas. I got Danny Grey Knights with inceneators, I got Matt the book The Things they Carried by Tim O'Brien. I got Josh the DVD The Last Samurai which was the last movie he and I watched together in theaters. I'm probably going to go out and get Toni the Evanesence new DVD or CD I'm not sure which is really out. Dale... well since he's on here I can't say. Mike.. who knows. That boy I think has just about everything he wants so he's going to be difficult to shop for. I'm getting Vonnie hair stuff. I'm getting Ben a book if I can find it. Christin will be difficult to shop for too but I just might pick her up a pretty necklace at Target or something. But I'm headed to the Mall right now. Wish me luck!

I'm not really as happy as I seem.

MH4TCB: what u doing over break?
UnwantedbutHere: dale wanted to watch a movie together
MH4TCB: hm whats that mean?
UnwantedbutHere: probably sex
MH4TCB: u agreed turne dhim down or what?
UnwantedbutHere: i agreed to watch a movie
MH4TCB: wahtever works i guess
MH4TCB: u know wher eitll prolly go
UnwantedbutHere: shut up Mike, this isn't easy on either of us I don't think
MH4TCB: who is us?
UnwantedbutHere: Dale and I
MH4TCB: ah
UnwantedbutHere: It's tearing me apart, driving me insane
UnwantedbutHere: I can't walk down a hall way without thinking about him
UnwantedbutHere: and just when i've forgotten him, something happens and he comes back again
UnwantedbutHere: I don't want to forget him, I just don't want to miss him as much as I do
MH4TCB: as u told me to do with jill
MH4TCB: move on it wont work and u know it
UnwantedbutHere: I don't want him to be in love with me, because I'm trying so hard to stop being in love with him
UnwantedbutHere: but he keeps saying, "I'm in love with a girl who doesn't love me"
MH4TCB: im not so sure hes in love with u as he is with the sex
MH4TCB: btu who am i to judge?
UnwantedbutHere: He's apart of me mike, he's in my hair, I can still smell him on my skin, everytime I look at my eyes, that sadness in them is because of him. My heart is in tiny pieces and I don't know where to start picking them up again
UnwantedbutHere: i know this sounds corny and over rated, but sometimes I can't breathe, everything is like a movie in my head, and someone keeps hitting the pause button and rewinding to watch the same clip over again
MH4TCB: it hurts... i know... damn the pieces hurt
MH4TCB: and each tiem u return to the source hoping to get back what u had
MH4TCB: and only end up broken deeper than u were before
MH4TCB: desparte for what was... broken away, wanting to hide from all others
MH4TCB: needing to move but frightened
MH4TCB: trapped in the chalice of ur own creation
UnwantedbutHere: I....the scars tingle sometimes when I really hurt, when i really cry. Like with Mr. buck the other day, I was driving home crying and I flashed back to the day I cut myself, and I started screaming, right there in the car, all alone, I was screaming like some crazied psycho. Mike I've never ever been this weak before, never been this moved and hurt by what others thought or think. 
MH4TCB: we fall back to that which we know
MH4TCB: defenses of old returning
MH4TCB: anything to remove the pain

I feel like I'm not good enough.

I wish I had never let Dale talk me into another year of Spanish. I sit in the fucking class everyday, silent. I speak to no one, but I don't speak to many people anyway. All of my friends are pretty stupid. Well not stupid stupid, maybe just lazy. Or maybe they are stupid. I've never been stupid until here recently so excuse me if I don't recognize how stupid works.

I walk out of Spanish class feel alone, and dumb. I don't speak to anyone, and there isn't anyone in that class I particularly want to talk with. Channe'l and I are on opposite spectrums of the fucking rainbow. The only think I have in common with Jill is Mike, and only thing I have in common with Vanessa is Brianne. I don't want to try to like Kurt. He's too smart for is own good. He rubs it in people's faces, like Dale used to do, only unlike Dale, Kurt knows he does it, and he probably masturbates to it.

I walk out of Chem. class feeling pretty stupid sometimes too. I worry that I'll won't be able to make it in college. Sure I'm excited about going to college, and having my own place to stay, and doing lots of things I've always wanted to do, like fencing, but I'm still worried that I'm not smart enough. I don't think I'm very smart anymore.

I'm thinking of dropping out of Spanish half semester. But then again I want to stay in and finish it out. I've never quit anything I started academically. I've never dropped a class before. EVER. And I've been in Spanish all this time. Maybe I owe it to myself to finish this thing I started freshman year.

Study hall is when I miss him the most. I section my desk closest to the front window in Mr. Bertsch's room, kinda of making myself a little island. A home with a great view. From that window I watch the world drag by, minute by minute, season slowly melting into season, falling alseep in the sunlight when it's shining, and counting the rain drops when it rains. I can't believe that I'm going to pick him up tomorrow. I don't know what possesed me to offer the ride but I did. So tomorrow I'll see him.

I wish I knew what I had said yes too. I have ideas but they all scare me. I haven't a clue what I've gotten myself into. 

But I miss him the most in study hall classroom, when I'm all alone, quiet and studying. I'll fall in between sleep and awake and he'll show up, offering his hand, his smile warming. He takes me in his arms, holds me against his chest. He'll lay me down, softly on his bed, his fingers splayed against my hips, my face snuggled against his chest, or his neck. I wake up to his fingers ghosting over my face, tracing every curve, as if trying to memorize it. His kisses can drown me in my dreams. I wake up, smiling but sad. I hate to go from my dream Dale, who is so much different than the Dale I know in real life. 

Yesterday Matt took up for me against his grandmother. They all left for work and they told me to hang around and wait for Josh or Danny to come home. Their grandmother comes over an hour or so later and tells me to leave. So I do, but I call back a half and hour later and Dan is home so I go back over. Then Josh shows up and Dan tells him about how Granny kicked me out. I asked them not to tell Matt, because I didn't want him to get upset, but Dan had already called Matt and told him. When Matt came home, he brought White Castle and apologized for his grandmother's behavior promising that things wouldn't be like that ever again. Matt had called his grandmother, the lady he pays rent to, and told her to call next time she's about to throw out one of his friends. Apparently, Granny thought that I was friends with only Josh. Wrong big time. I'm friend with Danny and Matt Josh and Toni.

Matt showed me his SKS Russian rifle. I learned how to shoot it, pull back the bolt, release the clip, pull bolt back and slide into place, slam the clip into the chamber, shoulder, aim, fire. Really nice. Its a beautiful rifle, deep cherry wood stock, silver bayonet. Beautiful but cold.

I also learned how to play Halo 2. The hardest part so far was when I got flanked while being battle engaged. And the one who was flanking me was camoflaged. Matt had to give me a hand on that one.

Josh's 21st birthday was Friday. Dan got wasted for the first time, and he spent half of the night with this head in the trash can, praying to the plastic that his stomach would quite heaving. They tried to call me but I wasn't home, I was visting Domino's. And talking to Dale.

They asked me to bring him by the house. I don't know if he would even come and whether I would trust them to behave around him. But he might be good for him to see how I am when I'm not with him, to let him meet the guys so that he doesn't worry about me so much. They would protect me if anything were to happen. He doesn't have to worry about me. And Hell he might even like Dan. Everyone likes Dan. He could sit around with us, watch us play some Monster Hunter or some Halo, they might even bust out the Magic cards or the Space Marines Army. They wouldn't hurt him while I was there, at least not physically, but he might get upset when Josh Toni and myself start wrestling. I don't know. Josh is encouraging it, Matt condones it, Toni would tolerate it, and Dan could make him feel at home. I don't know

I don't think he would like me having a good time without him.

I don't think he would like me having a good time with them. 

I don't think he would even what to meet my friends, he never did before.

I don't know.

  

LEAVE ME ALONE! GOD I JUST WANT MY EMOTIONS TO LEAVE ME ALONE

No one is going to take care of you.

I really should be doing my chemistry homework. Or my pre-calc or my spanish grammar. Its difficult though, and I know that I can do it. But somehow none of that seems relevant. I'm moody, and irritated and I have been all day long. Mrs. Salyers called me rude, and I bit my tongue to keep from saying that I'm not rude that I just have atittude which is what she wants when it comes to arguing which is what she was inciting all class period.
In the old days she would have been called a warmonger.

I'm tired. Maybe that's because of the weather. 

I know that I can't depend on anyone but myself. I lived by the coin for so long and now I have to go back to it. No one is going to take care of me. No one is going to learn this junk for me. No one can love me as much as I need to love myself. 

And right now I feel low.

I just want to scream. Or dance. Or fly. I'm not really sure which. I'll get to scream tonight. I can dance if I want too. And I'll fly away into the deepness of my dreams. But right now I can't do that. I have to focuse.

I just want to push him and the things he says out of my head. I can't afford to feel that way anymore. He can't consume me like he is, otherwise I'll never be able to redirect my attention to where it needs to be directed. I can't rely on any future he dreams of, because that's all it is to him. Dreams. 

Face reality and all of it's cruelties. And do it now! Life will be easier for you girl if you just realize that everything you are doing will have a purpose in college and in life. Don't listen to your body it cares nothing for your future. Don't listen to your heart, it will betry itself and you in the process. Don't listen to his words, you can't be sure they will be true tomorrow. Don't listen to his words, he cares nothing for his future, much less yours. Don't listen to his words, if they are just going to make you cry. Don't listen to anyone but the head that tells you the truth and what is right.

Fuck this life! It's not real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
you're waiting for someone
to push you away
You never did nodice
That you still hide away
Angry at Angels who won't return

He is everything you want
He is everything you need
He is everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

Sex.

Easy.

Honestly it is. Sex is nothing. It's just two bodies (sometimes) mutually fulfilling one another's carnal urges. I could have sex with anyone. It's the fears of disease, and pregnacy that keep me from screwing any idiot I find attractive on the street. I have a very healthy sexual libido. And like I said sex would be nothing for me, if I could have sex.

But I can't. I've only been able to have sex with one person.

Something within me, makes love. There is a difference. There is something inside of me that yearns for the trust I once instilled in Dale to once again be instilled in another. But Dale was a special circumstance. I gave my virginity to save his life. I gave him my innocence to make him eat again. A noble cause to save someone's life, and I loved him.

Loved, is the correct form and tense of the verb.

Still there are times when I'm dying for someone to be as honest, as bestial, has he was. He had no shame in pressing himself against me, and he had no shame is telling me that he like my ass in those jeans. His used crass, vulgar language in my presence, and it riled me. 

There is something to be said for gentlemen though.

All the gentlemen in my life, Toni, Josh, Dan, and Mike, men who are either unsure of who they are, overly sure of who they are, or just have their minds set and their hearts decided. Men who would open doors, pull out chairs, and hold a girl all night. A man to protect a fair siren when her body was raked with inconsistancies and pain. Men who are happiest when she lifts her soul to the sky and once again takes her place, crying that she has to go, happy that she is allowed to be happy, and happier still to have known a girl. It is for these people that I do not abandon myself, and my loving ways.

People mistake flirtation for healing. Men will believe that no one wants them, and instead of using meaningless words that are useless on paper and even more uselessly thrown about, I use my skin. Touch is a powerful and underestimated sense. When one cannot see, and one refuses to register voice, and taste and sight no longer mean anything to them, touch can reach them. 

Hold me, hold me. I want to be touched, I want to be held. I want your softness, your warmth, the smell of your hair and the carress of your breathe. I want to be held, and made to feel once more human, and once more alive. Touch can do that. Love in the form of sex, can do that.  

Father who art in heaven
Reverberating his name
Within the walls of my once safe haven
Slowly driving me insane

The slices come quicker
Tears are fast to fall
The blood trickle is slicker
I never was at all

Crimson angels of the black brigade
Swords drawn and pointed
I can feel my spirit slide and fade
The ground my blood annointed


I'm a happy person. I promise I am.

Fly me into the stars
Into the sky
Weightless for a moment
For a moment I can fly

And then the wieght returns
I fall into my place
Hair shrouding my eyes
As I return back to my race

I'm no unicorn, no mythical creature
I am not an angel
I'm only beautiful
When my eyes blaze with anger

If a scream could be felt
Within these words of pain
Then the reader would understand
The sting of acid rain

I don't belong anywhere
I feel like that again
I feel like I'm left behind
And no one will be my friend

Continue on and do not question
The lost of justification
Within my juridiction
This is my pain, intense with conviction


Help me.

I've been
Alone
All
Along

Frida Kahlo is probably one of the best movies I've seen in a long long time. I mean you don't get that kind of misery and intrigue anywhere very often. And the women on there, yum yum. Frida's sister Cristine, hot mama. Personally my favorite part had to be the one where Frida and Diego first made love. She told him she had a scar, he asked to see it, and he called her perfect. She was what God had made her to be and she was perfect in His eyes, and so she was perfect in Diego's eyes as well. I also liked the part where she was standing at the top of the pyrimids talking to the Russian communist and she tells him about how she's always been in pain, but that she is alright because at the end of the day we can take much more than we think we can. 

Dale likes the part where Frida catches Diego with Cristine and she say's "She's my fucking sister." Pretty funny stuff.

I also like the part where she was in Paris and she is writting a letter to Diego and it shows all of the people she's talked to and all the people she slept with, and all the things she's done, but in the letter it still ends that she loves him, that Paris is nothing without him.

That's REAL love I guess.

I woke up this morning in nothing but my underwear this morning, next to Dale who was completely naked. It felt nice. The first thing I saw this morning was him. The first things I heard this morning were him saying "You really pretty." It felt good to feel him next to me. Really next to me. I've woken up many times like this. And each time I can only thank god for letting me live at this time, thank you for bringing me where I am. Thank you for bringing him back to me.