LOve comes to you when you have finally gave up hope it ever will. It grabs you from behind, bangs you into the wall, punches you in the stomach, gets you on the ground and kicks you until your heart finally explodes of the strong emotions that are fighting inside you.
NEver ever fall in love with someone who can;t be with you the way you want it. Friends. Love in the mind of a young man is short and fragile. Friendship is what lasts forever.
Keep reminding me that
Cause I can just die in this very second

Day 1:


BOREEEEEEEEEED
I'm soooooo booooored!
ARCH stupid unopen people!! Dammit I still can't believe I'm not going to see Radost again, my granmother finally showed her real face of pure insanity and stole my room behind my back!!
So I don't have a home to return to and I'm sad and I need a hug, and nobody around's willing to give me one<:(

I miss Ardo I didn't even say goodbye to him
*snif*

Dear diary, tomorrow we're going to a Black Sabbath concert...




AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.............................................


I don't really kno what to write here, I'm just SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D


Anyway, thank u for the attention, have a good life

You know, life isn't as simple as it looks
And is not as complicated as most of you think
It's not build over the grand events - like entering college or getting married, but on the very small things that happen every day - you notice the odd shape of the clouds that evning, or you see children playing on the street with a kitten and you notice it's white on black spots, and their laugh makes you smile, or you pass by a beautiful creature who gives you a smile, even having the chanse to walk in the summer evning is worth living for

You can call yourself truly stupid if you neglect those things, because of your "big" problems like boyfriends or reputation in school
Even those are a small bit of the existence, not the centre of it
Most people's tragedy is that they have forgotten to see the small things, a small thing can make them truly upset, but a small thing can't make them happy anymore
None of those look at the sky in the evning, or stop by on the way to work just to watch the bungee jumper doing his trick
What I'm trying to say is, don't be sad. Even when it looks so hopeless and useless to try not to be. Instead of thinking about it, look outside. If what you see doesn't bring any emotion that you really have a problem. But if it does, even if it makes you cry, be happy. You feel. And after all, emotions are the only real thing,
enjoy

There should be an international hug society, with an international hug club and high hug counsel and small local hug places where people can just go and hug the people they would like to hug!

Then, we would finally be able to organize all the people over the world to hug each other in the same second! weee

Oo

Now that is a depressing diary isn't it?
Today... was an INSANE day! INSANE I tell you! Never EVER try to organize more than 10 people to do something togheter and actually have fun!
Yes, it is possible, but if you see me now you would have nightmares for months, DON'T DO IT

Exams exams, test tests, more exams and not so many tests (in fact) , I'm so tired, everything hurts and I don't actually have time to stop
right now I have to finish writing this, take a shower, go out, and hope to get home much much later in the night when I'll probably be drunk and depressed
why? don't ask that

Except that, school year is almost over and I will have WHOLE 2 days just for myself before I go away, weee

There is a grand storm coming up so there is actually a chance for me to get blown away and fly to an unknown world of mystery:D

I wake,
I feel,
I see,
The vial,
I scream,
I cry,
I run,
I try,
I fall


Why so hollow?
Why so pail,
Why so ugly,
Why so frail?


I’m around,
Nowhere to be found,
All alone,
Left alone,
To try,
To keep,
To find,
To weep,
In colourless exposure

It’s gray,
It’s black,
It’s white and sick,
Looking back,
I see no point,
To try,
To seek,
To save the tint,
They are all gone now

The sky above is breaking,
I see clouds are painted on the shuttered pieces,
While the sharpened edges cut my skin,
And I bleed in white

Is that you?
So far away,
So close to me,
You are all shades in gray,
Can’t you see,
We’re both doomed,
To fade,
Away,
To go,
Astray,
In
Colourless exposure


Touch me please,
I desperately want you to,
So I can feel,
Again,
To taste,
To see,
To be,
For real,
To go,
Be free

I know,
You can’t
I see you already fade away,
But don’t,
Please,
Stay,
And I will find a way,
To save you,
From this colourless exposure

Is it me?
Can it be,
Now I see,
The one without a colour,
The one who fades,
And goes away,
To take,
From us,
All we were,
And are,
Will be,
It’s me


I run,
From you
From here,
For now,
To save,
To try,
To keep,
To find,
A way,
I know,
There is,
To paint,
To raise,
To mend,
To glow,
Free,
Away,
I,
Go


I see you run,
For me,
From me,
To hold me,
And to kill me,
You have come to save us all,
To give us back,
The broken sky,
And the painted clouds,
The sun,
The dream,
The colour,
Save,
Yourself,
From me,
The colourless exposure


I stand still and wait for you,
Save the world from me,
And I will go,
Alone,
And free,
Beyond
To see,
Again
You touch me and your body turns to shade,
You are pale and weak and fade,
Before me,
You die,
And look,
At me,
And you see,
What I see,
And you love,
You,
I do,
As I turn away,
I know,
I see,
For me,
You have set me free,
I know now,
As I go,
And I recall,
Your eyes were green

this is a sinking anchor that we hold so dear
were you worn out from the start cut out and never replaced
you held at arms length
you so afraid
you by the waterfront
you still alive
you move away
you want to wash away what ills your heart
you stand by the waterfront never sure of your choice
this is a sinking road that we all travel on
you by the waterfront
you swollen with a crime


It's a great song by The Black Heart Procession that you all must hear, called "Waterfront"

Later I've been beginning to realize that I haven't been truthful to myself, or the people around me. I haven't been neither as honest nor as nice as I would like to be, or I used to be. I'm beginning to realize I don't have anyone so close to me to keep me going. I also feel like nothing can really make me happy, which is so sad if you think that only a few months ago a purple sunrise could make me happy. It's sad to see how low I've fallen and how miserable I've become. I have no control over me, or over my life. And nothing that used to make me feel loved or secure is not here anymore. I've tried hard to bring it back for the past weeks, but with no result. I'm beginning to realize taht solitude is maybe needed, or compulsory for someone like me. Now I also know that I'm not a good person. And I'm often very selfish, selfloving and disgusting. And I don't really have anyone to talk to, because if one listens to you, it's only because of duty, or because he thinks that listening can really make you feel better, but not understanding. There;s noone so close to me to lead me to perfection. It's sad

I don't know if anyone actually reads this, or gives a fuck about it, but anyway

I just spend like 30 minuets watching the sky changing as the sun came down and it got completely dark
I hadn't done that in a long time
They say when life is completely stuck and nothing new happens, and when all emotion is lost, it is time for a change
I used to believe that if something hurted your wings and you suddenly started to fall down, someone would always be there to catch you and take you back to the sky
For the past month I constantly felt like falling really really fast
And now I feel like I've hit the ground so hard, it actually broke my heart to pieces and let my soul fly away
I'm left with nothing - lifeless empty shell

I'm not the all-the-time-depressed type of people, I'm really not that kind of person
But lately, I feel so bad and so pathetic, I'm beginning to feel like I'm just a miserable fucking sisi teenage girl constantly whimpering and complaining about her broken life
But dammit I don't feel the will to live anymore!
I kept saying to myself that it's just a normal depression and it will pass but it won't go away! It just won't!
I'm normally cheerful and always happy and full of energy, people have told me that so many times
And now they see me broken and pathetic liek this
I can't stand it
I can't stand that apathy anymore! I want it to go away!
PLEASE! Make it go away!!!

Many a hand scaled the grand old face of the plateau
Some belonged to strangers, some to folks you know
Holy ghosts and talk show hosts are planted in the sand
To beautify the foothills, and shake the many hands

Nothing on top but a bucket and a mop
And an illustrated book about birds
See a lot up there but don't be scared
Who needs action when you got words

When you've finished with the mop then you can stop
And look at what you've done
The plateau's clean, no dirt to be seen
And the work it took was fun

Nothing on top but a bucket and a mop
And an illustrated book about birds
See a lot up there but don't be scared
Who needs action when you got words

Many a hand began to scan around for the next plateau
Some say it was greenland, and some say mexico
Others decided it was nowhere except for where they stood
But those were all just guesses, wouldn't help you if they could



Sheesh
It lasted much much longer this time
Hope the Morrison depression will wait

I'm going to see "Hair" on my birthday! :D
YAY!:D
:D
:D
:D
:D

It's been an ood week, followed by quiet weekend, next week's going to be very busy
I felt so bad about not going to visit Boria that I forgot I have other people I want to see here. So now I'm literaly booked up for the whole week. Which is... nice
I'll write to Dale, regretably without sending a hat, because I didn't found one, hope he forgives me
So... I think that's all about now


Aw yes, Exactly three years ago on the 3rd of April I saw The fellowship of the ring for the first time
I finished the book around that day too
And I have another anniversary around april

3 years and I still love you
Happy anniversary

I miss my best friend more than I admit
I miss the best friend figure in my life
I miss the creature that lives to be by my side
I miss it so much...

And I know I can't have it back
So my psychology teacher said I have a sharp "frustration", used as a term...

I hoped so much to be with Boria that holiday, but I cant because my ex best friend is going to be with her...

I cant go to London and see Dale

I cant go to Greece and see Chris

I cant go to America and see friends

I cant escape

So I'm sitting here in the dark listening to K-PAX soundtrack and feeling sad

I think I'm in love, but only when he's near

So I'm probably not...

...

I dont know what else to say
I'm not happy for my birtday at all
The only thing Im hoping for is to have the camera my dad promised me like 2 years ago...

I'm not happy right now
Not at all...

Hmm...
Why (ignoring the last thing I've written drunk and angry),
why people never believe that you really care for them? (Even if they do not care for you) that doesn't mean you don't... When I ask about mood and stuff I want an honest answer from a creature that i call my friend, I can't accept just an "ok" that actually means "don't ask just go away I feel so bad I actually want you to comfort me", well I ask, I want to know, I want to help dammit! Why don't they get it?
Or am I just too susceptible??
Apparently...

People are so ungrateful u know, they only use u when they need u and then don't care about u!
That totally sucks!!!
It's so rare to find someone that actually cares for u
tc
tc
tc

I miss Dale!!
*snif*

Ok, life isn't so bad as long as you remember who you are not trying to be something you're not, which includes not being patheticly miserable, not suffering for long gone things, not feel bad about people who think they have strong and true feelings for you, but they are just looking for a shag, not feel bad for missed opportunitys and start looking for new ones and so on

*heavy sigh* I feel better:)


Cheer up people, we live in a beautiful world!
The clouds outside are soooo pretty!!^^

Ask me how it feels
To feel like you're a failure
When everything that's real
Burns the flame in anger
I've heard it all before
I've felt some pain and more
More than you could ever dream
More than it probably seems
I've sat with head in hand
Stressed by my demands
Stomach tied in knots
Alone I've sat and rot
'Cause the pain from all these fears
Has built up all these years
I'll wipe away the tears
WIPE AWAY THE TEARS!!!

Walk the streets dejected
Alone and left rejected
Time does not care
And sometimes life ain't fair
My head begins to pound
Smashing bottles on the ground
I have lived amongst the garbage
With those who rape and carnage
Had many a promise broken
And broken some myself
The promise I have kept alive
Is keep my inner wealth
With my heart aimed at the world
Destiny I watch unfurl
I'll wipe away the tears
WIPE AWAY THE TEARS!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

I'M GOING INSANEEEEE!!!!! AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!
I... am... just... not... going... to... take... it... any... MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGUKGKAKGUAASDFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGUKSDFO7IWE5807245OVB70 R23P8O573-Q24579 Q345789 23RUWEF9023457570578=095=-8 P9-Y408Y00 !!!!!!