okay so yes today was a shity/good day. i cant really side on which one it is right now. i personally am not caring for much of my friends which is kinda of an obvious but me and my hunners are doing well...i will write laters
Okay well im on here right now which i guess is kinda obvious but not the point and im getting so irritated. I want to talk to [foxwhite] i really missers him! i mean i know we just became friends but its different talking to him then others.maybe cause i know he wouldnt judge me for the things i say or do. who knows really i guess. i was supposed to be cleaning my room but i dont have the energy i can only do it in the morning but i always get sidetracked till the afternoon and than i just cant anymore. i always wonder why, or when im stressed i can clean too. but right now im not to stressed i guess you could say.im a little bit of everything but i also feel empty, is that normal? how can you feel everything but be so empty? maybe not enough of one thing makes you feel that way...who knows obviously not me. so lastnight when i was tweaking i wrote a poem and i really like it i think. its not my best but it has so much heart in it that its really up there on the scale. then again all my poems poor out how im feeling thats normal though. i kinda wonder if im losing it sometimes cause well it feels like it. not that im insane just that im lost and no one can find me or even cares to. oh jeez i wish i had someone to talk to about this but right now the only person i think that would understand isnt on!!!*curses* if i was still a child i would prolly be throwing an out ragous hissy fit right now, but it doesnt seem worth it. nothing seems to be worth my tears even though i cry. i noticed that i grew up to fast for my own good and i can no longer do the fun things that i should have.awww i have a headache now...im not sure if its cause of the bleach my mom used a bit ago(im scared of fumes majorly) or if my headache i have had for the last few days is comming back to irritate me some more.i think im done for now just because i dont want to take to much out of me...cause this has took enough out of me already and i dont have enough energy for it. im going so long until i write again.
wow i have had a headache sence last night..lets see my bf called me a whore yesturday and we have been fighting sence than. i cant stand any of my friends they all lie and desieve so FUCK YOU ALL...ohh and if your wondering how i am doing im doing very bad. ahh that pain is just going to make me snap. today i had a break down and freaked...what else is new right? well i really have nothing else to say i guess. i mean i have so many thoughts swimming around in my head but i cant get one steady enough to actually think about it for awhile. thats very stupid if you ask me but hey it might be for the better anyways. i have been thinking alot on my past latly and i dont think thats to healthy for me cause it hurts me so much.and no this isnt just teenage drama either...i always hate ranting and shit but stuff is really getting hard to handle...i kinda would like to have a friend right now to help me through things like this. but i found out people like that are hard to find. im done now good bye
Yay! i got my hair died yestured and its black and red violet. it looks actually really good im going to take picture of it and put them up in my profile. i just love pictures for some reason hrmm...theres really nothing else new just i feel bad for always missing foxwhite hes so damn kool! well nothing else to say so im going to go!
Okay say friday i went to see Constatine which was a really good movie then today and saturday i went to GB to go shopping for a bunch of stuff and in a lil bit i think im going to go hang out with tiffany.I havent really been sad at all this weeknd which isnt something that happens often so im going to cherish it as long as i can!!!!But thats all im going to write for now cause mike is on the phone with tiff and i want to know whats going on so im going to go and i will write laters on! Bye Bye Little Ones!
Mike is getting way better and I love him so. He's making me incrediablly happy for once...i mean yea he has made me happy before but this time it feels different somehow.I wish i could explain it but its kinda useless to try and do that.Aww I hate paulers treating me like this but what can i honestly do you know? Its his choice i do feel bad about some things...but im not sorry about them all. I guess i will live with what happens no matter if i like them or not.
I will write more later but im hungry right now and want to eat something
I just found out that PAUL is a big panzy! I dont see why I never noticed he thinks he can do everything and like he knows everything but my god he needs to get over himself...and try to stop acting like a child. FUCKING A GROW YOUR ASS UP
With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I wait for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
-Blink 182
Those lyrics right now can explain all my confusion and misery going on in my head that i wish i could drain out for at least a couple moments of peace!
Okay well sence NADIA has a fucking big ass mouth(now taken off friends I tell shit to) paul found out mike and I were together again...but the sucky thing is I wanted to tell him myself. See Mike,Tiffany, Tiffanys b.f., and I all hung out last night and I noticed how much fun I have with Mike and how I would miss it and how I did miss when we arent together. Im sorry that I have hurt paul but he hurt me a long time ago. I know this doesnt give me the right to do what I did but I cant always help everything.Lif
An update from the last one...he thought i didnt want to be friends anymore cause i havent talked to him sence friday!! We cleared things up i dont like how he thought that...jeez im just a busy person im sorry!! I dont ever want to stop being his friend hes just to close for that...
Well see paul just took me off his relations i guess ending our friendship and i have no idea why? i dont know exactly what i did wrong! or how i lied to him damnit this is really sucking right now...i read his diary after i found out he ended our friendship and all it said was i lied to him but i have no idea what about so god...whatever
Aww...fucking mike man i hope hes okay if im not paying attention its cause im tweaking so bad! He better be okay or im going to freak hard core
Well the Shitith have hittith the fannith(elise might understand that...haha...)anyways not a funny time my bf broke up with me cause he read my journal and now he is attempting to hurt himself and there is nothing i can do about it. Im tired of always getting stuck like this i have no idea what the hell is going on with me! FUCKING DAMN FUCKING!!! Im tweaking hard core oh well...hes sitting here telling me how hes going to OD so he can die in peace! god i hate when people are like this damnit!Im so worried and i dont know what to do!! I NEED HELP!!!
Well i will soon be off to michigan yay! actually in like a month and some days but thats not the point! This is a very confusing time for me!! Ahh the troubles I go through haha! Sometimes I have to wonder about myself.(GO ME)...i have to take a biology test tomarrow and i dont really even know what its on...i think this could be a problem!!But oh well i guess if i fail i fail nothing i can really do about it but i hope to be getting some help tonight*cough* I really have nothing else to write so im going to get going.Aww my tummers and my cheeks and my legs are cold i was just walking outside i think they froze!!! Oh but i shall live like always bubye!
Okay i bet some think im really happy about my ex and elise splitting...wh
Alright this is prolly going to be an off entry....im sure people(you know who you are) are going to be reading this so i have to be careful on what i say. Basically im crushed as all fuck and dont know what to do. I have been noticing im a unstabble person and i cant make up my mind. But most of all i push people i care for away...the ones who care the most. I dont know exactly whats wrong with me but i do know that i have lost everything.But why am i complaining right? it could be worse...maybe i shouldnt say that cause it will be worse soon. Bye to all my beautiful readers out there in cyberspace. Told you this one was going to be fucked up no sence in any of it. And to you elise im not mad at you at all just disapointed in myself...and paul im not mad at you either. im ending there
Im trying to make things better with my ex which is really hard to do! I really want it to work though cause hes the closest thing to a true friend i actually have. Yes i have my bf but i cant tell him everything...i
Urr...well this is just going to say some things not much of course but a lil. I miss my bestest friend PAUL! I know this will make a few angry but I cant help he really gets me and understands me even when i dont say anything and thats a true friend. I know we havent been the best latly and its been totally rocky on both sides of the friendship but damnit i really want to try and fix things but when i want to he doesnt or vis versa. And when we start to things get screwed up again and I just wish things could change. But it doesnt seem like that will happen cause hes been avoiding me ALOT, he said he wants us to be close again and I want that to but how are we going to have that chance? I will have to figure something out soon cause Im NOT I mean HARDCORE NOT going to lose him again for anything in the world!!!!
Well right now I feel sad and completly empty.I dont really know why it's just how I am feeling, and usually how I always feel. Even when I start to feel happiness it quickly changes into something terrible or even worse. Hrrmm...all my friends have deserted me for some odd reason or another.I guess I'm just destined to be alone, yes I have my bf but sometimes I dont feel like I mean anything to him either. He trys all the time but it feels blank most of the time you know? I guess you wouldnt sense your not me but theres no way I can really describe it so you understand either.
Oh jeez I'm going to stop whinning its pointless and so am I! Bye to those who care!