AHHAHHH!!!!!Im fucking tweaking right now hard core!!! and no im not on drugs or drinking or anything funny im just fucking flipping a lid at the moment! holy shit i shouldnt keep stuff in so much see what happens omg!!!! i feel like a prep cause im saying omg cause i cant scream cause i cant be loud everyone in my house is sleeping which sucks! cause it would be so fun to just scream right now.*twich*im listening to linkin park and its making me quiet firey right now woo-hoo!!!Yes thats enough for now bubye!!!

so fianlly a break through i told my ex who was my best friend everything well everything i could. my current bf finally is allowing me to hang out with my ex and i think im starting to become in control of my life again. funny isnt it how you can be lost yet found at the same time. inspiration has gotten me like this and it feels great today...no matter how aggirvated i got i was still calm and didnt let myself tweak i love having this power back. and not like i havent been able to be in control but its a different control now...hard to explain feelings sometimes. hrmm i just feel so free today!!!! which is very different for me but at the same time i feel sad deep inside of me nice combo huh? maybe some day i will find out why this is but bubye for now

theme song for today is: Cold by Crossfade *cough cough*

so i went swimming yesturday and today and i am officially sick of water my head hurts my eyes hurt and my hair is going to be tweaking for a while. my mom royally fliped out on me. jeez im so depressed i dont even now what to say...thats when you know its bad so im going to go goodbye...ohh and so much for friends heh

today my mother called me at my bfs and told me i had to come home.when i got home no one would talk to me and the only thing my mom would say is stupid things that she knows would piss me off....no feelings behind the words if that means anything to you. she spoke as if she had to not that she wanted to same with my dad. and shes being all bitchy saying i cant do anything. then i asked her if i could use her phone to call my bf quickly and and she said no i was like why are you being such a bitch today. she looked at my dad and was like why am i being a bitch today...all he said was if i want to use the phone to just get off the computer and my mom smiled so i was like oh just stop it and she was like loyd so you see how she talks to me i was like wow okay and i just walked out of the room they are driving me insane i think im just going to the leave before im completly nuts. my mom ordered out so once my foods here im going to eat and ask her if i can leave if she says no im just going to leave anyways but out of respect which i have pretty much none for her i will ask anyways.Friends are becomming really gay these days well they always have been but everyday i care less and less pretty soon im just going to be gone and then i will be happy while everyone else hurts!

yea i havent been on in a while sorry for that and i havent gotten a messege from someone which is pissing me off *cough you know who you are cough* haha anyways nothings to new i guess...same old boring stuff but yes i know i say this all the time but im going to write more later cause im bust at the moment

last night i went to GB....got lost a little but it was still fun i went to the mall and my hunners bought me kool stuff and then we went out and ate!!! in two days it will be 5 months and im so happy!!! and i hope that this really lasts!!! it was cute he got us the crow ring set that says"Real Love Is Forever" i thought it was really sweet...could just be me though! i swear my family is fucked up...but oh well whose is perfect anyways...i just got the cursed soundtrack for no apparent reason just felt like getting it...well its okay a little bit. and in a little while im going to go get pics developed and if i like any im going to put some up on here but i think this is enough boring information for now i will write some laters i think...

yes so i guess im supposed to be sad or something cause two people decided to end our friendship that i ended a while ago but failed to mention to them. they just kinda now noticed...maybe they think it hurts me i dont know. they both talk shit about eachother and neither of them listens to me when i say they are so i guess they are perfect for eachother? hah! they can go dyke it out together! WOO-HOO!!!!!!!ohh and i now have a $600 cell phone bill so i get my phone taken away till its paid off no big deal cause now people cant call me!!! i guess some people dont understand what ignoring is...but frankly i have not really had the urge to do to much latly! sitting home is enough fun for me. i can do all my favorite things and i can do it all in my own home! okay that sounded a bit on the corny side but its okay. Im happy cause me and my hunners are doing fucking awesome and i like it alot...but im kinda said cause now that my phone bill cost to much i might not be able to go on the trip we were planning on but he said he can try and pay for it all...so we will see what happens. i just am iffy about him paying for everything cause its going to cost alot but if he wants to i guess its kinda up to him not me. thats enough for now nothing else is really happening thats of any importance...heh!!!

okay so yes today was a shity/good day. i cant really side on which one it is right now. i personally am not caring for much of my friends which is kinda of an obvious but me and my hunners are doing well...i will write laters

Okay well im on here right now which i guess is kinda obvious but not the point and im getting so irritated. I want to talk to [foxwhite] i really missers him! i mean i know we just became friends but its different talking to him then others.maybe cause i know he wouldnt judge me for the things i say or do. who knows really i guess. i was supposed to be cleaning my room but i dont have the energy i can only do it in the morning but i always get sidetracked till the afternoon and than i just cant anymore. i always wonder why, or when im stressed i can clean too. but right now im not to stressed i guess you could say.im a little bit of everything but i also feel empty, is that normal? how can you feel everything but be so empty? maybe not enough of one thing makes you feel that way...who knows obviously not me. so lastnight when i was tweaking i wrote a poem and i really like it i think. its not my best but it has so much heart in it that its really up there on the scale. then again all my poems poor out how im feeling thats normal though. i kinda wonder if im losing it sometimes cause well it feels like it. not that im insane just that im lost and no one can find me or even cares to. oh jeez i wish i had someone to talk to about this but right now the only person i think that would understand isnt on!!!*curses* if i was still a child i would prolly be throwing an out ragous hissy fit right now, but it doesnt seem worth it. nothing seems to be worth my tears even though i cry. i noticed that i grew up to fast for my own good and i can no longer do the fun things that i should have.awww i have a headache now...im not sure if its cause of the bleach my mom used a bit ago(im scared of fumes majorly) or if my headache i have had for the last few days is comming back to irritate me some more.i think im done for now just because i dont want to take to much out of me...cause this has took enough out of me already and i dont have enough energy for it. im going so long until i write again.

wow i have had a headache sence last night..lets see my bf called me a whore yesturday and we have been fighting sence than. i cant stand any of my friends they all lie and desieve so FUCK YOU ALL...ohh and if your wondering how i am doing im doing very bad. ahh that pain is just going to make me snap. today i had a break down and freaked...what else is new right? well i really have nothing else to say i guess. i mean i have so many thoughts swimming around in my head but i cant get one steady enough to actually think about it for awhile. thats very stupid if you ask me but hey it might be for the better anyways. i have been thinking alot on my past latly and i dont think thats to healthy for me cause it hurts me so much.and no this isnt just teenage drama either...i always hate ranting and shit but stuff is really getting hard to handle...i kinda would like to have a friend right now to help me through things like this. but i found out people like that are hard to find. im done now good bye

Yay! i got my hair died yestured and its black and red violet. it looks actually really good im going to take picture of it and put them up in my profile. i just love pictures for some reason hrmm...theres really nothing else new just i feel bad for always missing foxwhite hes so damn kool! well nothing else to say so im going to go!

Okay say friday i went to see Constatine which was a really good movie then today and saturday i went to GB to go shopping for a bunch of stuff and in a lil bit i think im going to go hang out with tiffany.I havent really been sad at all this weeknd which isnt something that happens often so im going to cherish it as long as i can!!!!But thats all im going to write for now cause mike is on the phone with tiff and i want to know whats going on so im going to go and i will write laters on! Bye Bye Little Ones!

Mike is getting way better and I love him so. He's making me incrediablly happy for once...i mean yea he has made me happy before but this time it feels different somehow.I wish i could explain it but its kinda useless to try and do that.Aww I hate paulers treating me like this but what can i honestly do you know? Its his choice i do feel bad about some things...but im not sorry about them all. I guess i will live with what happens no matter if i like them or not.

I will write more later but im hungry right now and want to eat something

I just found out that PAUL is a big panzy! I dont see why I never noticed he thinks he can do everything and like he knows everything but my god he needs to get over himself...and try to stop acting like a child. FUCKING A GROW YOUR ASS UP

With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I wait for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
 -Blink 182
Those lyrics right now can explain all my confusion and misery going on in my head that i wish i could drain out for at least a couple moments of peace!

Okay well sence NADIA has a fucking big ass mouth(now taken off friends I tell shit to) paul found out mike and I were together again...but the sucky thing is I wanted to tell him myself. See Mike,Tiffany, Tiffanys b.f., and I all hung out last night and I noticed how much fun I have with Mike and how I would miss it and how I did miss when we arent together. Im sorry that I have hurt paul but he hurt me a long time ago. I know this doesnt give me the right to do what I did but I cant always help everything.Life is confusing and you have to deal with it! IM SORRY DAMN YOU! DEAL WITH THE SHIT OR LEAVE NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE!

An update from the last one...he thought i didnt want to be friends anymore cause i havent talked to him sence friday!! We cleared things up i dont like how he thought that...jeez im just a busy person im sorry!! I dont ever want to stop being his friend hes just to close for that...

Well see paul just took me off his relations i guess ending our friendship and i have no idea why? i dont know exactly what i did wrong! or how i lied to him damnit this is really sucking right now...i read his diary after i found out he ended our friendship and all it said was i lied to him but i have no idea what about so god...whatever

Aww...fucking mike man i hope hes okay if im not paying attention its cause im tweaking so bad! He better be okay or im going to freak hard core

Well the Shitith have hittith the fannith(elise might understand that...haha...)anyways not a funny time my bf broke up with me cause he read my journal and now he is attempting to hurt himself and there is nothing i can do about it. Im tired of always getting stuck like this i have no idea what the hell is going on with me! FUCKING DAMN FUCKING!!! Im tweaking hard core oh well...hes sitting here telling me how hes going to OD so he can die in peace! god i hate when people are like this damnit!Im so worried and i dont know what to do!! I NEED HELP!!!

Well i will soon be off to michigan yay! actually in like a month and some days but thats not the point! This is a very confusing time for me!! Ahh the troubles I go through haha! Sometimes I have to wonder about myself.(GO ME)...i have to take a biology test tomarrow and i dont really even know what its on...i think this could be a problem!!But oh well i guess if i fail i fail nothing i can really do about it but i hope to be getting some help tonight*cough* I really have nothing else to write so im going to get going.Aww my tummers and my cheeks and my legs are cold i was just walking outside i think they froze!!! Oh but i shall live like always bubye!