Mike and I are now broken up...

Hrmm okay seems as though my diary entries have disappeared? well it was prom last night which went over like hell the only good thing was that i had my friends there! Im soOo happy that elise decided to come and nickie looked so cute i was soo happy with that! shalon looked good to heh! doubt i'll be seeing any of them in a dress again but thats not the point! i got many pictures from it so i can put some up later. Mike came drunk and high to pick me up and all he did was fight with me. i got into a fight with his friends because they wanted him to drive and personally i dont want my bf to get into trouble over them! but at the end of the night when nickie,elise, and i went to econo he was there and he was really scaring me. punching shit and everything then screaming at me. Elise wanted to kick his ass...and so i got out of his car and nickie, elise, and i went back to my house.The whole way there i got a lecture but i think i needed it, cause im really starting to see even though i love him its never going to get him to stop drinking. i hate it when he drinks...i guess i dont matter enough for him not to get drunk and high on my prom night...oh well guess i dont mean much to anyone.How life always seems to go! (sarcastic laugh)

Heh...well still dating paul...urrmm....nadia spent the night last night it was a bit odd(kidding) and i have been babysitting this one girl OMG how people actually have babysitting jobs is amazing! I feel neglected cause of my donut nazi bf....hes very lucky...i dont think i have anything else to write about! YUPPIE

So friday night i got pretty drunk yay!! thank god im not a puker huh? heard some embarrassing news today hah! my friends know what im talking about (its not funny elise hah) OMG and talking a bout elise i saw some pretty funky things when i went to her house today! Haha dont worry i wont tell! I cant help it...but someone tonight said they were going cloud watching with their bf which wouldnt have been bad if it wasnt already night time and completely dark hah!Pauls pissing me off cause i missers him but im starting to ignore the missing him cause he doesn't care anyways *at least thats what he trys to get people to believe* Aww my joey pissed me off today, taunting me like that how rude! But i still love him,...and i heard some news on an old friend that i missed for so long which makes things better that i atleast have some news on him...and i got to talk to him for a bit too! My tummers hurts right now but i guess last night was still worth it hah!?! I had so much fucking fun, can't remember most of it but i know i had fun! God it was so great,for once I forgot all my cares! And for me thats fucking great, plus proms comming up and michael and i are going which is so awesome god i love him! I think im becomming to attached hah! I LOVE YOU HUNNY! You better believe it and stop thinking bad thoughts. Still after 6 months he thinks some other guys going to come and hit on me and i'll leave him! HELL NO! SO ALL YOU KNOW IM TAKEN AND DAMN PROUD TO BE TAKEN BY HIM! I have the hottest and best guy! Yes we have our fights, but hey its keeps things interesting. Plus, he helps me and doesnt juge me like so many others do! *MUAH*to my hunners! God i feel like im going to barf i got to go! night night!hah

I dont exactly see some peoples points when they try to make one! God things get out of control to fast for anyone to ever handle! Feelings can be great but they can also be torture. Mike just blew up on me because I "insulted his maturity level". Im sorry but im not going to baby him like everyone else does. I do care for him but nursing him along isnt going to get him anywhere and maybe if he hears it from the person who he loves it might help, and if not then its a loss cause for him and i both, i just wished he would let me help!Plus Im hating this whole Paul thing cause i love him as a friend dearly, c'mon hes been there for everything and honestly hes a great person when you get to the real him which few ever have. I know he has some hatred towards me right now but its not very fair i know, i know lifes not fair but damn no one is perfect.Im starting to become blank to it all though...not surpressing feelings but actually not feeling the pain. Its like im sitting there just watching everything go by, im there and can see it all but im not reacting to most of it. Hell im comming to terms with it all.

*To Mike*-Your my boyfriend,my love, my bestfriend, shit your my everything and you know it! Im sorry for the shit that goes wrong between us! I'll do everything to stay with you and anything to try and help you through all this shit thats happening to you!I love you dearly!

*To Paul*-You were once a great friend of mine, i wish you still were. I'll never forget everything unlike you whose trying to block it all out. Im accepting whats what, even if i dont like it. I want to explain this to you but you listen how could i blame you though? Heh the funny thing about it is i know you still care with everything you have. And i still care for you, our stubberness just fucks with us alot! But im truly sorry! Love you!

Friday was cool, actually it was really fun i was naughty haha! Saturday my bf stayed the nights. We babysat my neice and my brother it was great! I love him!I miss joey heh its only been a couple of hours sence i have talked to him but i want to talk to him hes just so awesome woo hoo!!!!I have been thinking of the past alot and its not a good thing to think about at all.Im not sure on alot these days im just letting life sweep me along its little paths.Im not to sure how good that is either...wow i keep blanking out on certain things.AHHH!!!I just want to scream right now not because of anything inperticular but it just sounds like the right thing to do! At 5 or so(its 10:50) my hunners left and he said he would call me, well he hasnt called and i cant get ahold of him and im worried cause he always calls me! Hrmm i hope hes okay!Im listening to breakdown right now from breaking benjamin right now and for some reason this part of the lyrics is sticking out at me "I'll be there for you 'Til my heart is black and blue"...which i dont know why but oh well! Ahh yes! my hunners called and we are talking now, it took longer to fix his car...hrmm...interesting! But im going to stop writing now cause im sure no one cares anyways!

So hrmm lets see....Last night i hung out with my bf and his friends which was the more boringest thing in the world i hate all his friends truly...Saturday I hung out with a few friends which was okay then it got boring...Friday i obviously spent the night at my bfs!Gosh i lovers him...i know i always say i wont go back to him but i cant ever help it! Sometimes i hate how he acts but i can put up with it for him cause no matter how much he can get me to tweak he so makes up for it with everything else.Ohh and god how i hate people...i swear everyday i just get even more heartless...honestly, i cant stand the annoyances that come with most people here.I decided to not even go to school today cause i was to irritated with things that it would have been pointless! But yes this is enough cause i dont feel like ranting about this cause none of it really matters! SO bubye!

So okay paul is being a baby and sence i dumped him he saids hes going to fuck with me so unfortunatly i get to deal with his annoyance....woo hoo...he thinks hes going to hurt me or something which so isnt going to happen just cause he cant really do much now on the other hand i could do a lot to hurt him so he's lucky i can control myself!Umm mike asked me out today and i said yes! how could i say no hes just so adorable and hot and just great! The weather has been great latly which means summer is comming which means i get to see my BOO soon and im going to just be the happiest person in the whole world! Plus mike said we can go to six flags for vacay hah!(someone else wouldnt) Urrm yes im drawing though so im going to go catch yea laters! Kiss Kiss

Damnit this fucker is always a day off its really annoying me but anyways...not the point at this perticular moment.I feel very sick i was watching a movie with my mom its called "War With The Roses" it was actually really funny. But then i got up to come on here and all of a sudden im dizzy and nautious...i dont know if thats to good but latly at night i have been starting to feel really weak and sick.Hrmmm....i wonder if i should go to the doctors? Ahh what the hell would it matter really in the long wrong. My big goldfish that i had for about 4 years died yesturday...and see i have alot of fish but there was another fish its size that we got at the same time and now it looks all alone with all these small little fish.Then my mommy said she would stuff it and put it back in there....shes so mean pay back for when her bird died i said i would stuff it and glue it back to the purch for her...Ohh...and i think im going to take my temps test of Tuesday which should be cool...and im thinking of getting a job cause if i do i can get another dog which would be really awesome. Im still bf'less but ohh well doesnt really hurt me that much i guess...wow getting really dizzy i cant write anymore plus i have nothing to write anyways hell i think i will draw something to keep me occupied! SO LONG ALL OF YOU! *MUAH*

Ahh....urrm....I....yeah...gosh...i guess i gave in finally!Dont any of you say a damn word...*school girl giggle*

hrmm what to write...well for the next 3 days i get to babysit a 4 year this is kinda going to bite alot i cant be on the computer much then but at least im getting paid! Urmm Mike(recent ex) is totally depressed and i feel horrible about it but i cant take him back...i guess it will teach him not to dump someone he loves. and then this whole paul thing just keeps getting better and better. i find knew things out everyday urr....guys are such fucking pains in the ass!

saturday i hung out with jeff hes pretty kool, and very interesting to talk to! i think i made a new friend hehe! well last night i hung out with paul and that was pretty kool as well i missed just hanging out with him! mike is still tweaking which i feel bad for, but what can i do!?!Tyler came back from vacy but we only talked for a bit hes a weiner head!!!!

well so yesturday was kool hung out with a friend i haven seen in a long ass time who i missed dearly.theres nothing really going on...im missing tyler haha loser having to go on vacy what the hells with that! urrm still bf'less yay!im happy,have been all week which is different for me im usually all depressed and junk woo hoo!!! i really have nothing to write right now cause im a loser! GO ME!!!

today was just another day but at least i am happy!!! i havent felt this way in so so long!!! Boy problems hehe oh well i dont care for them right now i just want to have fun and be free for a while!!!no one seems to understand that though...pushie pushie llittle fuckers people are these days!

SoOo many problems SoOo little time that saying means so much to me right now....thats all i have the heart to write

Mike dumped me as simple as that...nothing more needs to be said or known...

AHHAHHH!!!!!Im fucking tweaking right now hard core!!! and no im not on drugs or drinking or anything funny im just fucking flipping a lid at the moment! holy shit i shouldnt keep stuff in so much see what happens omg!!!! i feel like a prep cause im saying omg cause i cant scream cause i cant be loud everyone in my house is sleeping which sucks! cause it would be so fun to just scream right now.*twich*im listening to linkin park and its making me quiet firey right now woo-hoo!!!Yes thats enough for now bubye!!!

so fianlly a break through i told my ex who was my best friend everything well everything i could. my current bf finally is allowing me to hang out with my ex and i think im starting to become in control of my life again. funny isnt it how you can be lost yet found at the same time. inspiration has gotten me like this and it feels great today...no matter how aggirvated i got i was still calm and didnt let myself tweak i love having this power back. and not like i havent been able to be in control but its a different control now...hard to explain feelings sometimes. hrmm i just feel so free today!!!! which is very different for me but at the same time i feel sad deep inside of me nice combo huh? maybe some day i will find out why this is but bubye for now

theme song for today is: Cold by Crossfade *cough cough*

so i went swimming yesturday and today and i am officially sick of water my head hurts my eyes hurt and my hair is going to be tweaking for a while. my mom royally fliped out on me. jeez im so depressed i dont even now what to say...thats when you know its bad so im going to go goodbye...ohh and so much for friends heh

today my mother called me at my bfs and told me i had to come home.when i got home no one would talk to me and the only thing my mom would say is stupid things that she knows would piss me off....no feelings behind the words if that means anything to you. she spoke as if she had to not that she wanted to same with my dad. and shes being all bitchy saying i cant do anything. then i asked her if i could use her phone to call my bf quickly and and she said no i was like why are you being such a bitch today. she looked at my dad and was like why am i being a bitch today...all he said was if i want to use the phone to just get off the computer and my mom smiled so i was like oh just stop it and she was like loyd so you see how she talks to me i was like wow okay and i just walked out of the room they are driving me insane i think im just going to the leave before im completly nuts. my mom ordered out so once my foods here im going to eat and ask her if i can leave if she says no im just going to leave anyways but out of respect which i have pretty much none for her i will ask anyways.Friends are becomming really gay these days well they always have been but everyday i care less and less pretty soon im just going to be gone and then i will be happy while everyone else hurts!

yea i havent been on in a while sorry for that and i havent gotten a messege from someone which is pissing me off *cough you know who you are cough* haha anyways nothings to new i guess...same old boring stuff but yes i know i say this all the time but im going to write more later cause im bust at the moment