AHAHAHA!!!*Bashes head against desk* Im tweaking out holy shit this isnt kool at all! The past is creeping up! its fucking everywhere this isnt right no no no go away damnit and you all!!!!

*OMG* So much wrong with all this....URGH

I've been so sad lately i cant even write down my problems...thats when i know things are getting bad. But i cant even fix whats going wrong which makes things even wrose for me. Not like it matters to anyone anymore not like i perticularly care if i matter to anyone but thats not the point at the moment.

Lets see last night i hung out with tiffany,nickie,elise,and tyler. We made nickies video and then i went to mikes house at like 11:30 for his party thinger. He had previously been drinking so he was a bit edgy when him and richard came to pick me up. He was yelling at me hardcore for leaving his camera at nickies, i just let it go though. He said he was sorry alot, he was just worry cause its his parents camera and he didnt want to get in trouble. So i told him every beer he drinks is a day im not going to see him or talk to him...hes up to six for the past week and half. Which is amazingly not alot for him.

Im happy'ish about some recent news i heard last night...*cough nickie and elise know what im talking* Im not to sure what i want to feel about this little perdicument.Yes i want to be happy but then again i dont want to get put to the side again, so im thinking im just going to back away from them before it can even happen just like i always do cause i know enough to know its not worth getting hurt over anymore.

Friends are friends yes, but if they always leave you whats the point. Thats all my so called friends have done with me so why should i care anymore about what the hell goes on? Im sick of so many fucking people...and so many fucking things its just useless to even think about anymore.

Screw this all im getting off and im going to go wallow in my self pitty upstairs in my lonely room. I think im going to draw or something....sounds remotely fun.

Nothing to say really...life has been very uneventful and the things that have happened i dont care to share for many reasons or another...im tired so im going to bed. Plus im really angry for so many things and im depressed and sleepy and not to mention very sleep deprived.

*Nods* Time for bed...havent been getting sleep alot so this might help...if im stressed i cant sleep and i already have sleeping problems so it makes things harder but oh well thats how life is huh?

Im getting madder at the world like every fucking minute i swear i never get a break wtf is the point to anything anymore? I really dont understand the point to some of this stupid shit that has been happening and im getting pissed.

Just like this dirty whore tried saying my ex who i love tried to get on her which i know isnt true cause he was with other people that night and i just wanted to smash her face in but no...the bitch called me and said she was going to kick my ass and then she doesnt even come to school fucking panzy ass cunt!

Okay enough ranting im going to bed goodbye

Today was so long and boring...i got called a hoe for wearing skirt. Now the person who i got called a hoe from wears shorter skirts that would fit a five year old...and no offence she has a bad body! But hrmm i havent talked to mike today and i really miss him, im not used to not talking to him. My world like revolved around him. God i love him, i dont know how im going to do this. Im litterly tweaking cause i want to hear his voice it's so soothing, i want to see his smile, and i want him to hold me so badly! Just to feel his arms around me would be so godly right now. Im trying my hardest not to cry now, i dont want to hurt. If i block it out it cant hurt me thats what i have to keep thinking and maybe it'll all go away? I hate how he makes mistakes, but i love him so much that i can let them go. My friends dont think i should take him back and i understand their points but god what they dont understand is i love him so fucking much it crushes me so bad to be doing this.The only one i want to comfort me is the one i have to stay away from, its not exactly fair!!!And it is just fucking with me hardcore! My mood swings are going to be sky rocketing, i feel sorry for others...and sorta myself but not really. Today was the day i had to go to the Exhibit at the Art Museum. There was some nice peices, plus 3 of my peices which is kool...kinda sucky i dont get them back for a while though cause i really like them alot! I have to go,i can't be doing nothing. Something has to keep me occupied or all i will think about is MIKE! Major attachment issue! *Tear*

Im sitting here thinking of all these different things. Now im blocking out my feelings so i dont hurt even though i know its there. But i feel as though if i avoid it long enough it'll go away. For me sometimes this method works others it backfires and i become even more depressed, its still worth it though. Im also debating if its my fault that alchol means more to mike then i did. I figured his drinking would change everytime i took him back. I just kept thinking he loves me and he doesnt mean to and he'll stop or it wont be as bad as last time. Heh what a joke...i made myself out to be a fool. How could i be in love with him? There are alot of good things about him but the bad is just not something i want in my life. Theres alot i have been through in my life, i know what pain is, i hate going through it but no matter what i do its something i cant avoid. Im scared to be alone...i need security, but then again i hate pity. Sometimes i put to much into things that arent really worth it heh and the things that are i just as easly throw away. Logic doesnt seem of much importance anymore...theres so much randomness all around that i gets irriatating. Then again im known for randomness heh ironicly enough. Just like all this shit im throwing out for basically no one. I have strength in some areas and others its just full blown weakness for me. Out of no where as your about to tell i got the sudden thought to do something risky. Like run outside naked...or go vandalize something. Anything fun or just something out of the ordinary. Heh isnt it great how one minute you can be depressed then all of a sudden happy? Well that hits me alot and i love it when it turns to happiness...or well whatever it is. Cause well im not to sure if its happiness or giddieness or just a random feeling to take my mind of things. I wanna go have fun but (no name) wont come out and play cause their head hurts heh!Boring okay this is good for now cause im talking to people and my concentration is trailing off heh!

Mike and I are now broken up...

Hrmm okay seems as though my diary entries have disappeared? well it was prom last night which went over like hell the only good thing was that i had my friends there! Im soOo happy that elise decided to come and nickie looked so cute i was soo happy with that! shalon looked good to heh! doubt i'll be seeing any of them in a dress again but thats not the point! i got many pictures from it so i can put some up later. Mike came drunk and high to pick me up and all he did was fight with me. i got into a fight with his friends because they wanted him to drive and personally i dont want my bf to get into trouble over them! but at the end of the night when nickie,elise, and i went to econo he was there and he was really scaring me. punching shit and everything then screaming at me. Elise wanted to kick his ass...and so i got out of his car and nickie, elise, and i went back to my house.The whole way there i got a lecture but i think i needed it, cause im really starting to see even though i love him its never going to get him to stop drinking. i hate it when he drinks...i guess i dont matter enough for him not to get drunk and high on my prom night...oh well guess i dont mean much to anyone.How life always seems to go! (sarcastic laugh)

Heh...well still dating paul...urrmm....nadia spent the night last night it was a bit odd(kidding) and i have been babysitting this one girl OMG how people actually have babysitting jobs is amazing! I feel neglected cause of my donut nazi bf....hes very lucky...i dont think i have anything else to write about! YUPPIE

So friday night i got pretty drunk yay!! thank god im not a puker huh? heard some embarrassing news today hah! my friends know what im talking about (its not funny elise hah) OMG and talking a bout elise i saw some pretty funky things when i went to her house today! Haha dont worry i wont tell! I cant help it...but someone tonight said they were going cloud watching with their bf which wouldnt have been bad if it wasnt already night time and completely dark hah!Pauls pissing me off cause i missers him but im starting to ignore the missing him cause he doesn't care anyways *at least thats what he trys to get people to believe* Aww my joey pissed me off today, taunting me like that how rude! But i still love him,...and i heard some news on an old friend that i missed for so long which makes things better that i atleast have some news on him...and i got to talk to him for a bit too! My tummers hurts right now but i guess last night was still worth it hah!?! I had so much fucking fun, can't remember most of it but i know i had fun! God it was so great,for once I forgot all my cares! And for me thats fucking great, plus proms comming up and michael and i are going which is so awesome god i love him! I think im becomming to attached hah! I LOVE YOU HUNNY! You better believe it and stop thinking bad thoughts. Still after 6 months he thinks some other guys going to come and hit on me and i'll leave him! HELL NO! SO ALL YOU KNOW IM TAKEN AND DAMN PROUD TO BE TAKEN BY HIM! I have the hottest and best guy! Yes we have our fights, but hey its keeps things interesting. Plus, he helps me and doesnt juge me like so many others do! *MUAH*to my hunners! God i feel like im going to barf i got to go! night night!hah

I dont exactly see some peoples points when they try to make one! God things get out of control to fast for anyone to ever handle! Feelings can be great but they can also be torture. Mike just blew up on me because I "insulted his maturity level". Im sorry but im not going to baby him like everyone else does. I do care for him but nursing him along isnt going to get him anywhere and maybe if he hears it from the person who he loves it might help, and if not then its a loss cause for him and i both, i just wished he would let me help!Plus Im hating this whole Paul thing cause i love him as a friend dearly, c'mon hes been there for everything and honestly hes a great person when you get to the real him which few ever have. I know he has some hatred towards me right now but its not very fair i know, i know lifes not fair but damn no one is perfect.Im starting to become blank to it all though...not surpressing feelings but actually not feeling the pain. Its like im sitting there just watching everything go by, im there and can see it all but im not reacting to most of it. Hell im comming to terms with it all.

*To Mike*-Your my boyfriend,my love, my bestfriend, shit your my everything and you know it! Im sorry for the shit that goes wrong between us! I'll do everything to stay with you and anything to try and help you through all this shit thats happening to you!I love you dearly!

*To Paul*-You were once a great friend of mine, i wish you still were. I'll never forget everything unlike you whose trying to block it all out. Im accepting whats what, even if i dont like it. I want to explain this to you but you listen how could i blame you though? Heh the funny thing about it is i know you still care with everything you have. And i still care for you, our stubberness just fucks with us alot! But im truly sorry! Love you!

Friday was cool, actually it was really fun i was naughty haha! Saturday my bf stayed the nights. We babysat my neice and my brother it was great! I love him!I miss joey heh its only been a couple of hours sence i have talked to him but i want to talk to him hes just so awesome woo hoo!!!!I have been thinking of the past alot and its not a good thing to think about at all.Im not sure on alot these days im just letting life sweep me along its little paths.Im not to sure how good that is either...wow i keep blanking out on certain things.AHHH!!!I just want to scream right now not because of anything inperticular but it just sounds like the right thing to do! At 5 or so(its 10:50) my hunners left and he said he would call me, well he hasnt called and i cant get ahold of him and im worried cause he always calls me! Hrmm i hope hes okay!Im listening to breakdown right now from breaking benjamin right now and for some reason this part of the lyrics is sticking out at me "I'll be there for you 'Til my heart is black and blue"...which i dont know why but oh well! Ahh yes! my hunners called and we are talking now, it took longer to fix his car...hrmm...interesting! But im going to stop writing now cause im sure no one cares anyways!

So hrmm lets see....Last night i hung out with my bf and his friends which was the more boringest thing in the world i hate all his friends truly...Saturday I hung out with a few friends which was okay then it got boring...Friday i obviously spent the night at my bfs!Gosh i lovers him...i know i always say i wont go back to him but i cant ever help it! Sometimes i hate how he acts but i can put up with it for him cause no matter how much he can get me to tweak he so makes up for it with everything else.Ohh and god how i hate people...i swear everyday i just get even more heartless...honestly, i cant stand the annoyances that come with most people here.I decided to not even go to school today cause i was to irritated with things that it would have been pointless! But yes this is enough cause i dont feel like ranting about this cause none of it really matters! SO bubye!

So okay paul is being a baby and sence i dumped him he saids hes going to fuck with me so unfortunatly i get to deal with his annoyance....woo hoo...he thinks hes going to hurt me or something which so isnt going to happen just cause he cant really do much now on the other hand i could do a lot to hurt him so he's lucky i can control myself!Umm mike asked me out today and i said yes! how could i say no hes just so adorable and hot and just great! The weather has been great latly which means summer is comming which means i get to see my BOO soon and im going to just be the happiest person in the whole world! Plus mike said we can go to six flags for vacay hah!(someone else wouldnt) Urrm yes im drawing though so im going to go catch yea laters! Kiss Kiss

Damnit this fucker is always a day off its really annoying me but anyways...not the point at this perticular moment.I feel very sick i was watching a movie with my mom its called "War With The Roses" it was actually really funny. But then i got up to come on here and all of a sudden im dizzy and nautious...i dont know if thats to good but latly at night i have been starting to feel really weak and sick.Hrmmm....i wonder if i should go to the doctors? Ahh what the hell would it matter really in the long wrong. My big goldfish that i had for about 4 years died yesturday...and see i have alot of fish but there was another fish its size that we got at the same time and now it looks all alone with all these small little fish.Then my mommy said she would stuff it and put it back in there....shes so mean pay back for when her bird died i said i would stuff it and glue it back to the purch for her...Ohh...and i think im going to take my temps test of Tuesday which should be cool...and im thinking of getting a job cause if i do i can get another dog which would be really awesome. Im still bf'less but ohh well doesnt really hurt me that much i guess...wow getting really dizzy i cant write anymore plus i have nothing to write anyways hell i think i will draw something to keep me occupied! SO LONG ALL OF YOU! *MUAH*

Ahh....urrm....I....yeah...gosh...i guess i gave in finally!Dont any of you say a damn word...*school girl giggle*

hrmm what to write...well for the next 3 days i get to babysit a 4 year this is kinda going to bite alot i cant be on the computer much then but at least im getting paid! Urmm Mike(recent ex) is totally depressed and i feel horrible about it but i cant take him back...i guess it will teach him not to dump someone he loves. and then this whole paul thing just keeps getting better and better. i find knew things out everyday urr....guys are such fucking pains in the ass!

saturday i hung out with jeff hes pretty kool, and very interesting to talk to! i think i made a new friend hehe! well last night i hung out with paul and that was pretty kool as well i missed just hanging out with him! mike is still tweaking which i feel bad for, but what can i do!?!Tyler came back from vacy but we only talked for a bit hes a weiner head!!!!

well so yesturday was kool hung out with a friend i haven seen in a long ass time who i missed dearly.theres nothing really going on...im missing tyler haha loser having to go on vacy what the hells with that! urrm still bf'less yay!im happy,have been all week which is different for me im usually all depressed and junk woo hoo!!! i really have nothing to write right now cause im a loser! GO ME!!!

today was just another day but at least i am happy!!! i havent felt this way in so so long!!! Boy problems hehe oh well i dont care for them right now i just want to have fun and be free for a while!!!no one seems to understand that though...pushie pushie llittle fuckers people are these days!

SoOo many problems SoOo little time that saying means so much to me right now....thats all i have the heart to write

Mike dumped me as simple as that...nothing more needs to be said or known...