For some reason I felt like putting this in here. Im sinking into my music so I can stall my feelings for anything. Im nuetral with feeling today...it just will take to much energy to feel an ounce of anything. Break downs take alot out of you...

Cut Me Up-Har Mar Superstar
your vision came
it kept me outta bed
the slit between my sheets
gonna split my head in

somebody tame
the beast that dwells within
the bittersweet nightmares
i fix to grind you in

your vision came
it kept me outta bed
the thrill that you gives
gonna kill me deader

hey little girl
no reason to shout
you made up your own dreams
now you can get yourself on out

CHORUS:
cut me up, break me off me baby
don't let go till i can't breathe
i may run, but i still want it
follow me into my dreams
cut me up babe
i wanna fuck you baby
don't let go till i can't breathe
i may run, but i still want it
fill the night up with my screams

cut me up
cut through me
aw aw AWW
X3

pleasure pain
burnin in my bed
your pins hit my skin
until it bled

the fog will lift
when our bodies feel the sweat
there aint no fear
when your panties gettin wet

pleasure pain
kept me outta bed
the thrill that you givesgonna kill me deader

your beauty
ripped my world apart
now im comin back to settle up into your heart

CHORUS X 2

ends on orgasms

So this weekend i went all the way to Milwaukee...it was kool lol and i went to Pride Fest. No im not a lesbian but i went in support of a friend and it was so kool! I got a really kool scarf full a rainbow feathers its cute. But i dont really know what else to say ohh and i saw the cutest pincher this weekend! And some guy at the Pride Fest saw my scarf around my waist and told me i had a nice boa! It was interesting! Anyways I'll write more later bubye!

Lies Lies and more god aweful Lies. Im always consumed by these, at least thats what it constantly feels like.

What to write...oh I found out today that if you by a bands cd and you like it your considered a poser by same nameless cunt who thinks shes everything to everyone. But the only thing i think that cares for her besides her lap dog is her all faithfull curling iron. Poor Poor little baby.

I almost feel sorry for her...okay i know i know feeling sorry for people is a little far fetched for me but hey i tried right? Haha but thats why i am loved and most of all hated? Keeps the people away that i'd rather not have to waist my time on!

Heh...isnt it great? I wish it was raining right now. That would be so fucking awesome, I just want to go running in the rain! It feels like it should be raining to me but then again, when is the weather how i want it. Nor how could I ever have control of such an amazing thing. Not really a question by the way just innocent rambling thats never going to get me anywhere but keeps me sane for moments upon ends.

All I am going to say is I'm having bad and naughty thoughts right now. Haha *I WIN*, I'll prolly write more later but I do not have the engery

I wonder if I'll truly ever be happy again, instead of just settling for what I can have to get me by day by day. But even what I can have, hasnt been suffient. I strive to be happy, but it seems to take to much out of me. I really wonder if its worth it, even more if anything out there will make me happy again. Old things still cut me to the core...I have been told many times I have major emotional and coping problems...I just dont want to believe it. But its starting to show more and more latly. I want to write more but what does it truly matter? The only person I ever truly thought cared for me...seems to well hate me now...I have been lost without the guidence he once gave, and I took forgrnted. Pathetic isnt it, that it takes so much for so little.

I wonder if I'll truly ever be happy again, instead of just settling for what I can have to get me by day by day. But even what I can have, hasnt been suffient. I strive to be happy, but it seems to take to much out of me. I really wonder if its worth it, even more if anything out there will make me happy again. Old things still cut me to the core...I have been told many times I have major emotional and coping problems...I just dont want to believe it. But its starting to show more and more latly. I want to write more but what does it truly matter? The only person I ever truly thought cared for me...seems to well hate me now...I have been lost without the guidence he once gave, and I took forgrnted. Pathetic isnt it, that it takes so much for so little.

I wonder if I'll truly ever be happy again, instead of just settling for what I can have to get me by day by day. But even what I can have, hasnt been suffient. I strive to be happy, but it seems to take to much out of me. I really wonder if its worth it, even more if anything out there will make me happy again. Old things still cut me to the core...I have been told many times I have major emotional and coping problems...I just dont want to believe it. But its starting to show more and more latly. I want to write more but what does it truly matter? The only person I ever truly thought cared for me...seems to well hate me now...I have been lost without the guidence he once gave, and I took forgrnted. Pathetic isnt it, that it takes so much for so little.

Nothing really fun nor interesting happend today. Well Andy and I got into a fight over whose camo. was kooler and I won. Cause I was wearing a skirt haha. I looked pretty today hahahaha! Umm nothing else to say really I guess...besides school is getting out...NEXT WEEK!!! *TEARS*

(Cont.) To earlier....
Well so me and my friend talked a bit but I couldnt tell him exactly why I didnt want him liking her but I think he got the point. Not just cause I like him but there are other reasons the dont need to be told. But the biggest is pretty obvious so hopefully he sees it...and well if not hes pretty dence I guess.

Ohh and my mom wants us to move pretty quick. Shes sick of my dad...but if we do then alots going to go wrong. Plus then we would have to get rid of our Rottie...cause well not many places allow them.

I just had jack daniels...and capt. & coke(actually it was pepsi). Not enough to buzz or get drunk or anything just enough to calm me but it started to make me sick so I said screw it. I wonder if that makes me a bad person? Aww shit beyound more piles of shit if you ask me.

Well I think thats enough for tonight I'll prolly right more tomorrow after school maybe something fun will happen. Hah right!!!

Lol so I have been in 2 fights this week alone go me...Plus multiple little ones that dont matter. This whole people saying they're going to kick my ass and then not doing it is kinda funny. Makes me wonder what this world is comming to. Back in my day...hehe just kidding. I know I know I need to get out more but hey Im limited alright. Well Mike and I still arent dating and Im not sure if we will be again. Yes yes I love him but does that really mean anything anymore? I dont know if love can fix things all the time. I mean c'mon love never has helped me before anyways right? Exactly my point?

Just think in a few days I get my art projects back from the museum and then I will be able to praise them. Ohh and put them on here of course. Well I already have one up technically so I will only be putting up 2 more from there haha!

Sorry I think I'm tweaking a bit for some odd reason. But not a bad tweak or anything cause nothing bad is really happening I guess. Just jitters from this and that. I mean its almost the end of the school year...and I dont care for summer so i'll have nothing to do...plus I find out that this guy I liked and who is/was really close to me now has a crush on my cousin. I really dont know how to take that. Plus a person I've loved sence the first time I saw them is ignoring me like I'm nothing is pissing me off. Oh and a couple things to do with relationships is getting to me.

And I feel oh so used. Not by certain people exactly...just in general. Im also tweaking about college issues. I know its a while away for me but Im not to sure if I want to even attempt at it. I mean I doubt that any of my friends will be going with me and I hate having to meet new people it annoys me. Unless I'm in the mood...which I'm usually not in the mood.

Urgh...I guess I will have to write the rest later cause my friend(the one who likes my cousin) just called me and is talking to me and right now I cant concentraite to well right now.

AHAHAHA!!!*Bashes head against desk* Im tweaking out holy shit this isnt kool at all! The past is creeping up! its fucking everywhere this isnt right no no no go away damnit and you all!!!!

*OMG* So much wrong with all this....URGH

I've been so sad lately i cant even write down my problems...thats when i know things are getting bad. But i cant even fix whats going wrong which makes things even wrose for me. Not like it matters to anyone anymore not like i perticularly care if i matter to anyone but thats not the point at the moment.

Lets see last night i hung out with tiffany,nickie,elise,and tyler. We made nickies video and then i went to mikes house at like 11:30 for his party thinger. He had previously been drinking so he was a bit edgy when him and richard came to pick me up. He was yelling at me hardcore for leaving his camera at nickies, i just let it go though. He said he was sorry alot, he was just worry cause its his parents camera and he didnt want to get in trouble. So i told him every beer he drinks is a day im not going to see him or talk to him...hes up to six for the past week and half. Which is amazingly not alot for him.

Im happy'ish about some recent news i heard last night...*cough nickie and elise know what im talking* Im not to sure what i want to feel about this little perdicument.Yes i want to be happy but then again i dont want to get put to the side again, so im thinking im just going to back away from them before it can even happen just like i always do cause i know enough to know its not worth getting hurt over anymore.

Friends are friends yes, but if they always leave you whats the point. Thats all my so called friends have done with me so why should i care anymore about what the hell goes on? Im sick of so many fucking people...and so many fucking things its just useless to even think about anymore.

Screw this all im getting off and im going to go wallow in my self pitty upstairs in my lonely room. I think im going to draw or something....sounds remotely fun.

Nothing to say really...life has been very uneventful and the things that have happened i dont care to share for many reasons or another...im tired so im going to bed. Plus im really angry for so many things and im depressed and sleepy and not to mention very sleep deprived.

*Nods* Time for bed...havent been getting sleep alot so this might help...if im stressed i cant sleep and i already have sleeping problems so it makes things harder but oh well thats how life is huh?

Im getting madder at the world like every fucking minute i swear i never get a break wtf is the point to anything anymore? I really dont understand the point to some of this stupid shit that has been happening and im getting pissed.

Just like this dirty whore tried saying my ex who i love tried to get on her which i know isnt true cause he was with other people that night and i just wanted to smash her face in but no...the bitch called me and said she was going to kick my ass and then she doesnt even come to school fucking panzy ass cunt!

Okay enough ranting im going to bed goodbye

Today was so long and boring...i got called a hoe for wearing skirt. Now the person who i got called a hoe from wears shorter skirts that would fit a five year old...and no offence she has a bad body! But hrmm i havent talked to mike today and i really miss him, im not used to not talking to him. My world like revolved around him. God i love him, i dont know how im going to do this. Im litterly tweaking cause i want to hear his voice it's so soothing, i want to see his smile, and i want him to hold me so badly! Just to feel his arms around me would be so godly right now. Im trying my hardest not to cry now, i dont want to hurt. If i block it out it cant hurt me thats what i have to keep thinking and maybe it'll all go away? I hate how he makes mistakes, but i love him so much that i can let them go. My friends dont think i should take him back and i understand their points but god what they dont understand is i love him so fucking much it crushes me so bad to be doing this.The only one i want to comfort me is the one i have to stay away from, its not exactly fair!!!And it is just fucking with me hardcore! My mood swings are going to be sky rocketing, i feel sorry for others...and sorta myself but not really. Today was the day i had to go to the Exhibit at the Art Museum. There was some nice peices, plus 3 of my peices which is kool...kinda sucky i dont get them back for a while though cause i really like them alot! I have to go,i can't be doing nothing. Something has to keep me occupied or all i will think about is MIKE! Major attachment issue! *Tear*

Im sitting here thinking of all these different things. Now im blocking out my feelings so i dont hurt even though i know its there. But i feel as though if i avoid it long enough it'll go away. For me sometimes this method works others it backfires and i become even more depressed, its still worth it though. Im also debating if its my fault that alchol means more to mike then i did. I figured his drinking would change everytime i took him back. I just kept thinking he loves me and he doesnt mean to and he'll stop or it wont be as bad as last time. Heh what a joke...i made myself out to be a fool. How could i be in love with him? There are alot of good things about him but the bad is just not something i want in my life. Theres alot i have been through in my life, i know what pain is, i hate going through it but no matter what i do its something i cant avoid. Im scared to be alone...i need security, but then again i hate pity. Sometimes i put to much into things that arent really worth it heh and the things that are i just as easly throw away. Logic doesnt seem of much importance anymore...theres so much randomness all around that i gets irriatating. Then again im known for randomness heh ironicly enough. Just like all this shit im throwing out for basically no one. I have strength in some areas and others its just full blown weakness for me. Out of no where as your about to tell i got the sudden thought to do something risky. Like run outside naked...or go vandalize something. Anything fun or just something out of the ordinary. Heh isnt it great how one minute you can be depressed then all of a sudden happy? Well that hits me alot and i love it when it turns to happiness...or well whatever it is. Cause well im not to sure if its happiness or giddieness or just a random feeling to take my mind of things. I wanna go have fun but (no name) wont come out and play cause their head hurts heh!Boring okay this is good for now cause im talking to people and my concentration is trailing off heh!

Mike and I are now broken up...

Hrmm okay seems as though my diary entries have disappeared? well it was prom last night which went over like hell the only good thing was that i had my friends there! Im soOo happy that elise decided to come and nickie looked so cute i was soo happy with that! shalon looked good to heh! doubt i'll be seeing any of them in a dress again but thats not the point! i got many pictures from it so i can put some up later. Mike came drunk and high to pick me up and all he did was fight with me. i got into a fight with his friends because they wanted him to drive and personally i dont want my bf to get into trouble over them! but at the end of the night when nickie,elise, and i went to econo he was there and he was really scaring me. punching shit and everything then screaming at me. Elise wanted to kick his ass...and so i got out of his car and nickie, elise, and i went back to my house.The whole way there i got a lecture but i think i needed it, cause im really starting to see even though i love him its never going to get him to stop drinking. i hate it when he drinks...i guess i dont matter enough for him not to get drunk and high on my prom night...oh well guess i dont mean much to anyone.How life always seems to go! (sarcastic laugh)

So friday night i got pretty drunk yay!! thank god im not a puker huh? heard some embarrassing news today hah! my friends know what im talking about (its not funny elise hah) OMG and talking a bout elise i saw some pretty funky things when i went to her house today! Haha dont worry i wont tell! I cant help it...but someone tonight said they were going cloud watching with their bf which wouldnt have been bad if it wasnt already night time and completely dark hah!Pauls pissing me off cause i missers him but im starting to ignore the missing him cause he doesn't care anyways *at least thats what he trys to get people to believe* Aww my joey pissed me off today, taunting me like that how rude! But i still love him,...and i heard some news on an old friend that i missed for so long which makes things better that i atleast have some news on him...and i got to talk to him for a bit too! My tummers hurts right now but i guess last night was still worth it hah!?! I had so much fucking fun, can't remember most of it but i know i had fun! God it was so great,for once I forgot all my cares! And for me thats fucking great, plus proms comming up and michael and i are going which is so awesome god i love him! I think im becomming to attached hah! I LOVE YOU HUNNY! You better believe it and stop thinking bad thoughts. Still after 6 months he thinks some other guys going to come and hit on me and i'll leave him! HELL NO! SO ALL YOU KNOW IM TAKEN AND DAMN PROUD TO BE TAKEN BY HIM! I have the hottest and best guy! Yes we have our fights, but hey its keeps things interesting. Plus, he helps me and doesnt juge me like so many others do! *MUAH*to my hunners! God i feel like im going to barf i got to go! night night!hah

I dont exactly see some peoples points when they try to make one! God things get out of control to fast for anyone to ever handle! Feelings can be great but they can also be torture. Mike just blew up on me because I "insulted his maturity level". Im sorry but im not going to baby him like everyone else does. I do care for him but nursing him along isnt going to get him anywhere and maybe if he hears it from the person who he loves it might help, and if not then its a loss cause for him and i both, i just wished he would let me help!Plus Im hating this whole Paul thing cause i love him as a friend dearly, c'mon hes been there for everything and honestly hes a great person when you get to the real him which few ever have. I know he has some hatred towards me right now but its not very fair i know, i know lifes not fair but damn no one is perfect.Im starting to become blank to it all though...not surpressing feelings but actually not feeling the pain. Its like im sitting there just watching everything go by, im there and can see it all but im not reacting to most of it. Hell im comming to terms with it all.

*To Mike*-Your my boyfriend,my love, my bestfriend, shit your my everything and you know it! Im sorry for the shit that goes wrong between us! I'll do everything to stay with you and anything to try and help you through all this shit thats happening to you!I love you dearly!

*To Paul*-You were once a great friend of mine, i wish you still were. I'll never forget everything unlike you whose trying to block it all out. Im accepting whats what, even if i dont like it. I want to explain this to you but you listen how could i blame you though? Heh the funny thing about it is i know you still care with everything you have. And i still care for you, our stubberness just fucks with us alot! But im truly sorry! Love you!

Friday was cool, actually it was really fun i was naughty haha! Saturday my bf stayed the nights. We babysat my neice and my brother it was great! I love him!I miss joey heh its only been a couple of hours sence i have talked to him but i want to talk to him hes just so awesome woo hoo!!!!I have been thinking of the past alot and its not a good thing to think about at all.Im not sure on alot these days im just letting life sweep me along its little paths.Im not to sure how good that is either...wow i keep blanking out on certain things.AHHH!!!I just want to scream right now not because of anything inperticular but it just sounds like the right thing to do! At 5 or so(its 10:50) my hunners left and he said he would call me, well he hasnt called and i cant get ahold of him and im worried cause he always calls me! Hrmm i hope hes okay!Im listening to breakdown right now from breaking benjamin right now and for some reason this part of the lyrics is sticking out at me "I'll be there for you 'Til my heart is black and blue"...which i dont know why but oh well! Ahh yes! my hunners called and we are talking now, it took longer to fix his car...hrmm...interesting! But im going to stop writing now cause im sure no one cares anyways!