So lets see Friday was kool, I got to hang out with a bunch of people that I like and I also got to make up with Jon. That should make Shalon happy I guess. Elise, Shalon, and I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. OMG I just LOVED that movie! Didnt get to bed till about 4...then my mom woke us up at 9(i had friends stay the night). But I did get a new cell because mine got lost the night before.I dont mind, even though I lost all my numbers this cell is so much koolers!Then yesturday I went to my bf's brothers wedding. It was so damn cute, I started to tear up a bit...kinda lame considering Im not exactly family yet. But it did hurt a bit cause they had to take wedding pictures so I just went and sat in the van for half and hour cause I wasnt sure if they wanted me to be included in them. Then we went bar hopping...now I dont like bars so this wasnt that entertaining for me, plus I wasnt drinking.Cant say Mike didnt look good in his tux though haha. Then the reception was hell cause I only knew the immediate family of his and a few of thier friends so I really didnt have many people to talk to. I guess I dont mind it to much cause I just sat by myself most the time but it did get irritating when I kept getting asked "whats wrong" or when people kept giving me stares like "why are you here". But I did end up making up with Buth too, so it was kool...I guess hes not really that bad of a guy when you get past his asshole'ishness haha. A lot of other shit went on but I dont care to share it I guess. Then we went back to Mikes house I cried for a while then I finally went to sleep and woke up today at 1:00. Came home and am now on the computer fun isnt it? I feel so completly lost today. Im depressed, tired, and confused. So I think after I am done with this Im going to go up stairs and lie down. Urr...the torture.

Well Well Well...Shiters and more Shit. So nothing great and nothing to bad. Dont care to share what i think is sad...haha dont ask and i wont tell. So tonights the night when all is let lose yet tomorrows never comming for those of us who are lost. Dont ask why i just said that cause i dont even know shits just comming in and out of my brain right now. I feel like barfing majorly cause i feel sick to my stomach for no reason at all. Also im confuzzled on things once again. I feel many are trying to play head games with me more or less. I see no point to it but people try. Oh well right? no didnt think so...Urr lost right now...my head is spinning and spinning and it wont stop. Anyways i think im going to stop cause well im rambling right now and thats not to good cause then i will start saying stuff that doesnt need to be said and that might lead to some trouble so i think im done writing for now.

So okay I need to get shit off my chest before I go nuts! I love Mike and I always will...sadly I did this for him. Isnt it odd how if you love someone so much you'd do anything for them? Im trying to move on but its not the same, I just want to be held by him again and to be able to talk and cuddle with him. It makes me feel so insecure not being with him. I know I'm trying to play this off all kool, but I dont want him to know its killing me inside. See I dont think it was the right time in his life for us. He had so much left he needs to do...and I dont want to keep him from that. See I was his crutch...he knew no matter what he would do I would be there. But sometimes thats not a good thing. I figured if I left him he would realize hes doing something wrong, but I guess I didnt matter much to him huh!?! Theres so much I wish I could say to him...but it all seems so fucking pointless. Im not going to let myself cry over this cause Im helping him and thats more important then how I feel. No one can understand how much I miss him everyday. I dont miss some things about him thats for sure, but I do miss alot. Sadly I told him I didnt love him and I didnt miss him, just so he'd go away, so he'd stop hurting and god it kills me. But what I really hate is I know how hes feeling cause I have had it done to me. That makes this all the more painful cause I know how bad it kills someone to just feel it. Its constantly haunting you and it never leaves you...pain that just fucking rips through your body and settles in the core of your heart to torture you till theres nothing left except emptieness. I hate knowing that I'm putting that into him...that I took away so much from him. And I hate knowing it even more when deep down I know I want to be with him. All I ever wanted was for him to go back to school, get a steady job, to stop lying to me, and take care of his drinking problems. I didnt think it was to much to ask considering he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But I guess the rest of his life wants no part of me...or I'll be with him again later on. Im going to stop ranting its pointless anyways...

Urmm...Parties fun...Drinking Great...Smoking is really getting up there haha! Wow it was so crazy we went to Taco Bell last night around like 11:30 and there were cars up the ass there. I swear it was like munchie centeral or something! So Mike had to go around with his lies to fucking people and its really starting to piss me the fuck off. Honestly I never knew how damn pathetic he was till now.Oh well not my problem heh...anyways I dont really have much else to write so bubye!

Alots been happening mostly fun stuff Woo-Hoo! Im loving being with Wesley, and honestly I dont care what some of you think about him. He makes me so happy, and doesnt lie to me or sit there calling me a whore when hes drunk. Hes at least a civil drunk unlike Mike. Oh and he doesnt insult my intellegence like Paul does, even though I'm that stupid. But you know Pauls logic is always the best. I think Mike and Paul should just go fuck eachother cause they're both pathetic. See Mike cant be one of those good break ups where he just leaves with dignity, no he has to be a baby'ish and really immature. I cant believe I ever dated him. He's lucky he had at least minimal looks cause nothing else of his is attractive. Could have been cause I was on the rebound. Oh well his pathetic antics arent going to get to me nor Pauls if they cant act their age I'm glad I'm not with either of them.

*MIKE*-Before you start critizing my choice to move on to you should look at yourself cause he's better then you in EVERY way. Hes made me happier in this past week than you did in those 8 months. Has to say something doesnt it. Your fucking pathetic...you should take your fucking loser ass back to school and maybe stop drinking you might be midly descent then but thats a little far fetched all in its self. Oh and if your going to lie to people about me make sure I dont hear it you fucking RETARD! OMG I swear you have to be the stupidest fucking moron in this town. I cant believe I let myself lose friends over your nasty ass. Oh and your right I got over you fucking fast but that doesnt mean Im a "whore". Considering I have only been with 1 guy...and he wasnt paying for sexual favors DUMB ASS!!!

Okay so I know I havent written a journal in 3 days but alot has been going on! First I started hanging out with some guy whos so fucking hott, and hes really nice! At first it was just to keep me entertained for awhile. But not I actually like him. I told him everything this morning when we were at a party! So he knows whats going on...I think he likes me too! Yea...first last night I went to the races delt with a bunch of shit invovling Jons ex. gf and shalon. Fucking cunt's pissing me off...then I went down to the pool hall with a couple of us! Found out that Elise finally broke it off with Nickie(Finally). After that we went to a party it was so much fun! I was the only one that didnt sleep at all. I got a bit tipsy though(heh)...but I'm really glad I went. I had a heart to heart with Jon.Thats Shalons close buddy I guess you could say! And than I got to tell everything to *BLANK*, Im not sure I should say his name considering some of the people that Im sure reads these. Im so glad him and I got to talk about it though! And then I met really kool new people...But something did piss me off. I would like open a drink and then I would go to the bathroom and one of my friends(none of them would confess to it) kept drinking my shit! Im just going to slap one of them! But damn I really needed this! Ohh and it was great we drove to McD's at 5:45 to get breakest while everyone else was sleeping! Fucking I've met Tony before but this time I actually talked to him! Hes such a crazy guy but hes so kool! Okay I guess thats enough about my boringness for one day! Heh! Bubye! OMG I'm TIRED though hehe!

Urgh...just woke up and Im very tired. I kinda want to go to the beach today but theres no way that will happen for many different reasons. Im starting to think I really have no friends what-so-ever. Hrmm that could end up being a bad thing in the long run maybe. Hrmm I dont know if I will even end up going anywhere tonight...latly my body has seemed to be drained of all its energy! I was watching FROM DUSK TILL DAWN last night, I think its such a funny movie! Plus George Clooney is in it and hes fucking HOTT! Hahaha! Okay I'm done now, I might have more to write later though!

Well Elise called me this morning asking if I still wanted to hang out...I say yes cause I'm all tweaking out and shit! Then she totally ditches me after she gets done saying how she wishes she was by me to comfort me bull fucking shit! And she fucking ditches me for Nadia how fucking great is that! Nadia just used her last time and now Elise is going to be her fucking lap dog once again! Just cause the damn bitch doesnt know how to go home Elise is back at her fucking beck and call! Oh well not my problem...Im pretty much done caring about shit. So I'm setting myself up for a change. There are things about me that I love and there are things about me that I hate. I need to fix the things I hate...and I need to do it QUICK!

Mike stoped by to get his stuff...he talked to my dad all I did was went up to my room got his shit handed it to him then came back in here. I didnt say one word to him at all. Then he text me saying," I dont even get a hi or nothing." So I went over it all again with him on the phone maybe this time it clicked in more then the last time. Everytime I talk to him I hate him more...I love him and he'll always have a place in my heart but that doesnt mean I have to be civil with him anymore. Then him sitting there accusing me of dating Paul which Im not. We are just talking again and hung out twice. Woo Hoo and neither times were we alone! Sometimes I just want to hit Mike for being such a tard!

Im not even going to begin to discuss anything about Paul. All thats between him and I at the moment. But there is one thing I have to say to him! I promise to you,just as much as to myself that I'm going to change! *Kiss* And thank you for sticking beside me through EVERYTHING that we both have gone through! If it wasnt for you always being on my ass I prolly wouldnt be attempting(and going to fufill) changing myself. I know I have made many mistakes but hopefully you'll let me make them up to you! I love you dearly!

OMG...All I want is for someone to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. That nothing is going to go wrong and that they will make sure I will be fine. Funny how thats never going to happen. I called Elise to tell her something and I was crying and she didnt even ask me what was wrong...that made me feel like even more shit. Oh well fuck her, I dont need her! Not like anyone cares anyways! Wow I feel so light headed and shit. I just need to rant a bit more! I bet you all get a good laugh when you read these? So much draum, so much of my stupidity? Must keep people very entertained.

YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU ALL YOU THINK YOU SO FUCKING COOL THROWING PAST SHIT INTO MY FACE!!! ITS PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO KEEP ME THE WAY I AM TODAY! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH I HOPE YOU KNOW THIS! NONE OF YOU CARED YOU ALL TALKED SHIT ABOUT ME LIKE I COULDNT HEAR YOU! YOU ALL WERE MY FRIENDS THEN PERPOSLY HURT ME! I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT OR ANY OF YOU! YOU ALL NEED TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE...

*Tears everywhere*

None of you who hurt me will ever understand cause I dont let my hurt show with you. All for very good intentions but Im sick of this! Seriously...you're all pathetic.

*Directed to people...obviously they know who they are*

Last night Elise, Shalon, Hayley, and I went down to market. It was entertaining actually, then Elise had to go home. I got a phone call from 2 old friends that wanted to hang out so the two old friends puls Shalon and Nadia came to my house. Well Nadia drank some of my dads alchol. He noticed but didnt click in that it was any of my friends heh(he just got back from out of state). Shalon and Nadia left around 1'ish kinda, I dont really remember. So Karen, Phil, and I just sat outside till 5:00 in the morning. While we were outside Bowers and Tony were walking the street at 3:00, then stoped and talked to us till after 4! Then they left...Phil and Karen left a lil after 5:30. Then I had to wake up before 9:30 to babysitt...but not as bad as Phil he had to go for his Drivers Licence by 10. Cant wait to find out how he did! Omg it was just so much fun cause I havent hung out with either them in fucking forever and I missed them both so much! And it was just great catching up with them! I might be going down to the pool hall tonight but Im not sure yet...so much to think about and do! It gets crazy sometimes. But I'll I know is I have been really happy latly and I just lovers it so So so much!

Lets see so I sat in the sun for numerous hours for no damn reason! I was bored and no one would swim with me...losers really. I got a banana split though, but it ended up melting before I could eat it all cause MIKE had to fucking keep calling me. Then I ended up spilling it all over my white shirt, needless to say I was pissed. Then I got burnt a bit! Nothing bad though! God I hate sundays! My mom just wanted me to go to the beach with her and my sister and some other people...I hate it when she drags me along places when I know I wont be having any fucking fun! Oh well nothing I can really do about it!

LOL...Last night I went to the races then to the pool hall! Lets see I played pool for like 2 hours and it was actually alot of fun. Cause there wasnt all these loser/gross people at the pool hall last night. I got to play pool with shalon, elise, and matt! It was great and so much fun for some reason. I guess I just got to hang out with friends and actually do something, without having to care! But I ran into Mike when I went to the races which sucked. He didnt talk to me till afterwards...but after 5 mins of him interogating me I got him to leave! Its not that I dont love him nor want to be his friend its just that since we arent dating I DONT want him constantly by me or calling!!! Anyways it was great this guy was hitting on Elise and "ESCORTED" her home...I think it was cute!!! Plus he was a hottie! But all and all I really loved last night...and in a little bit I'm going to the beach to tan, my family seems to think I am to white! Im going to try and get my mom to stop at Culvers so I can get a Banana Split. I have wanted one since fucking Thursday...so my craving doesnt seem to be letting up and I reallys want one! Elise doesnt think its a fitting breakfrest so we just went through all the food groups it has...and its only missing 3 but oh well! I still got my point through haha! Elise just said that I can justify anything, and I have to agree with her! *kiss* Love You Elise!!!

So yes this is about last night but whatever! Yes well I hung out with Elise, Nickie, and Paul. It was fun untill we went to the Pool Hall and Mike we being a dick. Hes still not clicking in that we arent together and wont be again. And more guys hitting me...they just dont know when to give up i guess. Im debating on if i want to leave and go by my cousin for about a week. I think it might be fun! Im going to talk to my parents about it, Im almost going insane here. I dont like having many friends but with that in mind i never have anything to do during the summer really! EeEeP my loserness haha! Man it really sucks Elise will be leaving soon...i dont like that idea! I will miss her way way to much!

This song always reminds me of me...funny isnt it!

To The Moon And Back- Savage Garden
She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's sayin

Chorus
I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
I've Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends, well they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
It's like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
She's sayin

Chorus

Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's sayin

Chorusx2

Last night was hell...thats all i have to say...oh and that i wish someone could forgive me for what i have done to them and just let me be close to them again. For no reason really Im going to put some song lyrics up! I really like this song for some reason.

Gun In Hand-Stutterfly
{Spend a lifetime, trying to understand.
Spend a lifetime...
YOU WANT IT? YOU GOT IT! YOU FEEL IT? GUN IN HAND.
YOU WANT IT? YOU GOT IT! YOU FEEL IT? GUN IN HAND.
Why, you reason, with a gun in your hand?
YOU WANT IT? YOU GOT IT! YOU FEEL IT? GUN IN HAND.
with a gun in your hand.}

What, what was so bad?
What had he done, to make you return,
...this time with a gun?

Intimidation growing bigger.
What the hell made you pull the trigger?

{...}

Thought this all through,
Thought it might be fun.
Shot in the head, to show everyone.

Intimidation growing bigger.
What the hell made you pull the trigger?

{...}

Held, in his friends' arms. Blood, on his face. Hole, in his head, gripped by deaths' embrace.
In his embrace.

So last night I hung out with Tiffany for awhile then after 11 I met up with this new kid Adom, we stayed out till around 2 a.m. We hung out with other people at some parks. Then a cop told us we had to leave so we went to a different one! Im so nice huh...were little devils in our town.!HAHA! Hes pretty kool and really nice. Not really my type but it would be kool to still be his friend and all. Well then today I woke up at 6:30 to see my dad and brother before they left to another state. Then I was SUPPOSED to go to the DMV for my temps test...but I cant find my fucking birth certificate anywhere. Damn unorganised family. But I did see my report card and I'm happy to say I passed everything! Woo Hoo everythings higher then a C. I was really worried about that. Hrmm...my ex wants me back. Shit I love him everyone knows it, but lying to me for the past 8 months and breaking his promises to me just urks me so much. I want him in my life but I just cant handle what it puts me through. And I hate it cause he needs me in his life to help him, but what am I supposed to do? I have gone back to him so fucking many times cause he was "going to change" and stupid me and my loving him I DID go back to him all those numerous times. And I screwed myself over by doing so! But Im not going to let it happen again.

*To Mike(my ex)*- I do love you and you know this. I just couldnt take the pain any longer. Nor the lying and your broken promises. You say its my fault that we arent together...But I'll say this I did break up with you but its your fault I made the desicion. I gave you chances beyound chances, more then any one person deserves and every time you took them forgranted. Im sorry that I had to do this, expecailly considering everything thats happening. But if you loved me as much as you say you do then you wouldnt have been decieving me like you were. Im sorry for your mistakes...and some of my choices as well but its completly over this time. Im not going to hurt myself anymore. Just remember I love you.
*Tear*

For some reason I felt like putting this in here. Im sinking into my music so I can stall my feelings for anything. Im nuetral with feeling today...it just will take to much energy to feel an ounce of anything. Break downs take alot out of you...

Cut Me Up-Har Mar Superstar
your vision came
it kept me outta bed
the slit between my sheets
gonna split my head in

somebody tame
the beast that dwells within
the bittersweet nightmares
i fix to grind you in

your vision came
it kept me outta bed
the thrill that you gives
gonna kill me deader

hey little girl
no reason to shout
you made up your own dreams
now you can get yourself on out

CHORUS:
cut me up, break me off me baby
don't let go till i can't breathe
i may run, but i still want it
follow me into my dreams
cut me up babe
i wanna fuck you baby
don't let go till i can't breathe
i may run, but i still want it
fill the night up with my screams

cut me up
cut through me
aw aw AWW
X3

pleasure pain
burnin in my bed
your pins hit my skin
until it bled

the fog will lift
when our bodies feel the sweat
there aint no fear
when your panties gettin wet

pleasure pain
kept me outta bed
the thrill that you givesgonna kill me deader

your beauty
ripped my world apart
now im comin back to settle up into your heart

CHORUS X 2

ends on orgasms

So this weekend i went all the way to Milwaukee...it was kool lol and i went to Pride Fest. No im not a lesbian but i went in support of a friend and it was so kool! I got a really kool scarf full a rainbow feathers its cute. But i dont really know what else to say ohh and i saw the cutest pincher this weekend! And some guy at the Pride Fest saw my scarf around my waist and told me i had a nice boa! It was interesting! Anyways I'll write more later bubye!

Lies Lies and more god aweful Lies. Im always consumed by these, at least thats what it constantly feels like.

What to write...oh I found out today that if you by a bands cd and you like it your considered a poser by same nameless cunt who thinks shes everything to everyone. But the only thing i think that cares for her besides her lap dog is her all faithfull curling iron. Poor Poor little baby.

I almost feel sorry for her...okay i know i know feeling sorry for people is a little far fetched for me but hey i tried right? Haha but thats why i am loved and most of all hated? Keeps the people away that i'd rather not have to waist my time on!

Heh...isnt it great? I wish it was raining right now. That would be so fucking awesome, I just want to go running in the rain! It feels like it should be raining to me but then again, when is the weather how i want it. Nor how could I ever have control of such an amazing thing. Not really a question by the way just innocent rambling thats never going to get me anywhere but keeps me sane for moments upon ends.

All I am going to say is I'm having bad and naughty thoughts right now. Haha *I WIN*, I'll prolly write more later but I do not have the engery

I wonder if I'll truly ever be happy again, instead of just settling for what I can have to get me by day by day. But even what I can have, hasnt been suffient. I strive to be happy, but it seems to take to much out of me. I really wonder if its worth it, even more if anything out there will make me happy again. Old things still cut me to the core...I have been told many times I have major emotional and coping problems...I just dont want to believe it. But its starting to show more and more latly. I want to write more but what does it truly matter? The only person I ever truly thought cared for me...seems to well hate me now...I have been lost without the guidence he once gave, and I took forgrnted. Pathetic isnt it, that it takes so much for so little.