Listen To Your Heart

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You've built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

And there are voices
that want to be heard.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

*What to do...what to do* Twidles Thums....Gosh...

Today was a great day. Nothing bad happened. Lol I went to GB to pick up my dad from the air port then went to red lobster. It was great cause they had beads up at the bar and my mom said to the waitress " does my daughter have to flash the bartended to get some beads" the waitress really got a kick out of it. But i did get my kool red beads without having to flash anyone, plus it has at lobster on it. Then Im also going to the movies at 9 with Nickie...yes we made up woo hoo. It was funny cause i got a messege on here from kristen which i thought was so pointless. Asking me why i hate her and all that bull. Jeez the obvious reasons wouldnt come to mind or anything? Damnit there was something else i was going to say. Oh yea and Angel( a man a swear to god) told Kristen that i said i was going to kick her ass at market which i think is funny cause i dont go down there and neither does she. But oh well at least it helps out the people that at least do go down there. Haha...and then i told some skank at school that i was going to kick her ass and she was so scared that she took me to the office, called the cops, and changed her hours at work. Yet she said she wasnt affraid of me. I swear there are some pretty pathetic people at my school. Seriously, but no one likes Crystal anyways so its very amuseing. Aww, i have to pee...the pain. Dont ask...

* I LOVE MIKE *-heh just felt like adding that in with my great mood.

Hah so I am in a VERY GREAT MOOD!!! See Nickie was annoying me so I ignored her during school and well after school she called me twice and I told her to stop calling me because I was ignoring her so I wouldnt bitch at her. I told her just to leave me alone and not to talk to me. Well she goes and tells Kristen which is one of the reasons why I am mad at her cause of previous things she has said to Kristen but back to the story. Okay so she tells Kristen, and Kristens devious little plan was for Nickie to just ignore me so I would get irritated and try talking to her? I swear we have some retarded ass mother fucking people in my school. How the hell is that going to get me to talk to her if thats what I wanted in the first place? Luckly to my advantage Nickie listened. Funny thing is Kristen told her it would work because she knows it "hurts me". Yet she wouldnt know considering shes never done it to me and I wouldnt be hurt by something like that. I dont exactly know why Nickie would be taking advice from someone who doesnt know a thing about me but hey whatever side tracks her is to my benifit. What I think is funny is Im not talking to her because of all her back stabbing and her pathetic excuse for a bf. Another pathetic thing is they both want to break up with eachother yet neither of them have the balls to do anything. Like the night before this happened her bf was at my house complaining on how he wanted to break up with her but didnt know how and blah d' blah. Then again Kevin is going to jail the 17th anyways so all well that ends well really. Oh and I just love how Nickie lies about so much. See I was talking to Mike about it and he thinks she back stabs and lies unintentionally? Then again that could be the case cause I really wouldnt put that past her, shes not the brightest. I mean at times she can be a good friend I'll say that much but shes not someone to put to much trust into. Then again I dont put trust into pretty much anyone considering people just arent worth the effort.

So today is the start of our 2nd term and lucky me I changed my sch. cause I didnt want to take service learning and I was stuck back into gym. At least I wont have to take it next year though! Bad news is I just realized I have to stick Prop. & Stat. and Alg 2 into next years sch. Thats a big bummer! But I got to do what I've got to do. I met with the Rep. from GB today. She was really nice, all I know is I really hope I get into that school.

Nothing else to say really...urrmm...yea...

Topic For Todays Agenda; Good news, bad news, inbetween news, and then just pointless ranting! Good News: My mom finally okay'd me to get a job woo-hoo! I'll be working with friends which is a plus! oOo and I got a new CD which cost me $30, but way worth it in my book. It's Melissa Ethridges Greatest Hits Dual Disk!!! Gosh I love her!!! Shalon and I finally got to hang out for the first time in ever( her and I will be working together)! We talked about how we think girls in private are worse then guys! Oh and we were throwing out great little catch phrases famous one "I Did Not Have Sexual Realations With That Woman!" Today is mine and Mikes 1yr and 1 month! GO US! oOo and I figured out what I was getting him for X-MASS! Bad news: I was supposed to turn in my work permitt today but the school wouldnt let me get one because I didnt have proof that I was actually going to be employed! I was like " Do you think I want to spend $5 on a permitt that Im not going to use" Sometimes I really wonder about things! And one of my fishes died today...it was the Elgie Eater...and another one is sick! My grandpas in the hospital, hes really bad! I feel so bad though cause my grandma had been trying to call us all weekend and couldnt get ahold of us! Inbetween news: tomorrow we have exams same with wednesday. Then the next week we have 3 half days for WKCE which is great cause we dont have to be to school untill 12:00. Hrmmm Im very annoyed by people right now. It seems to be a never ending cycle. Im not an unreasonable person but damn, people just fucking piss me the fuck off. Anys that was my rant not very long but it will do cause Im going to get off in a few cause I have to do homework.

So I just feel like writing in here...typing whatever floats whoseevers boat huh? I just memeberd i have to send in my ACT thinger! Go me...it should be easy enough!Then next year i will be able to apply right away for GB, if I go there. I really think i want to but im not totally decided yet! You know what i noticed people who have HUMONGUS-SIZED mouths shouldnt cut there hair cause for some reason or another it becomes very unbalanced and well i guess you can figure out the rest on your lonesomes? You know what i have also noticed i dont like many people and im not exactly sure why but i just get a feeling of disapointment around most. Do you ever just sit there and stair at people and wonder what the fuck they are doing with their life? I do it all the fucking time and for some reason i cant exscape it. Oh well how the world turns huh! Anyways going back to watching animations at stickdeath!

Well hrmm...I just had the feeling of writing in here again. For no real reason I guess you could say but that could also be a matter of opinion. I have for some reason or another become very attched to the song "Tear Away"-Drowning Pool. Very great band if i do say so myself. Aww...how it makes me tingle inside whenever I hear it. Its just one of those spirit lifters i think. And now a song dedicated to my lezbo lover that i so strongly wished i could have:

"The Game"-Drowning Pool
Time to play the game x3

Its all about the game you fall like the rest, your failure is my success
It's all about control, will you make it? I will deliver the pain you
can take it
I'm in control, I am the pain, after this you won't be the same
This is my time I make the rules you mess with this and you die like a fool.

Chorus
PAIN here comes the pain x4

time to play the game

I am the debt that can't be paid, your going down in flames
This the time I cannot lose Live or die you'll have to choose
It's all about me I am the one, soon you'll see there's nowhere to run
I am the threat that is so real through the blood and the sweat and pain you will feel.

Chorus

nowhere to run nowhere to hide, now it's time to die
I am the pain I am the game you won't forget my name

Time to feel the pain x3
Time to play the game x4

Chorus

The funness I plan to have...so little time...its running out.

Hah so today was lots and lots of fun. See i was going to start shit with kristen but a friend told her i was going to and guess who left school during lunch. Very convient of her. Well during gym class i had fun because we were playing b-ball, and i was gaurding someone i extreemly dispise right now. You can only imagine how that turned out. She started to be a little bitch and stoped playing cause i was hitting her to much and i really hurt her eye when i elbowed it. What a panzy...then again shes fat and physical activitie prolly isnt even in her vocabulary. But anyways than it was funny cause i was at my locker and Nickie was standing next to me and Kristal this untimely whore pushed her out of the way and I was like "You dont have to be a skanky bitch" and she looked at me like a deer in head lights and said "Excuse Me" i was like "You didnt run into me now did you" and i walked away. And in that process i saw kristen so i ran into her hard and on purpose. All i know is im really getting annoyed by her saying shes going to kick my ass or that i couldnt kick hers and than just avoids me. Just like she brought tom with her to my house cause she was affraid of my dog? How pathetic is that whats Tom going to do to my dog and why the hell would I sick my dog on her...i dont want it getting rabies or any other disease she may carry. Whatever i know it was just an excuse like the rest of everything she says.

Wow so this week was actually pretty fun. Kristen[xlilkikix] tried starting her usual bullshit. Funny thing of the week was I had to go to the open gym for dance team cause I lost a bet with Tiffany. Well Tiffany and I both wanted to leave half way through because it was just that pathetic. And then Im sitting at home and I get a call from kristen saying how I wrote something on her car with lip gloss which was very amuseing. I told her i didnt do it because i didnt(even thought i wish i would have). She said she was going to kick my ass and i told her to go for it cause she was nothing to be afraid of and i hung up on her. Well she came to my house funny thing is she had to bring tom(yet she was going to kick my ass...funny he was needed for protection) She told me i had to go outside and clean off her car and i told her to make me and that i didnt have to cause i didnt do shit to her car. Well she didnt like that and threatend to call the cops on me so i told her to go ahead and do it. So then the next day she steard clear of me same with friday. But then someone asked me about it cause they heard she called the cops on me and i got fined and blah d' blah. And she seems to be telling everyone this. Yet the cops never came to my house nor would they because there was no evidence. Stupid cunt i swear. Its so pathetic she has to say she did something she didnt. Oh well I guess she'll learn cause people are getting really sick of the stupid bitch. My mom told me i should just hit her to put her in her fucking place. And im seriously debating it...*ponders child abuse charges* Defintly be worth it from my point of view. Then again even if i didnt do it and someone else did i would prolly still be brought to the cops for it. Hah...and the whole her always thinking im jealous of her makes me wonder. Cause i cant think of anything i'd be jealous of...I had her bf before her and could have kept him but turned him down. Which means she got my sloppy seconds...Umm my body lets see..i find it to be very pleasent and as long as my hunners think so and all the others that seem to be attracted to it, it cant be that bad. Yes and the saggy tits she so nicely brags about that im just so jealous of? Hrmm nope mine might be small but at least they wont ever be saggy and not like her man had a problem with them. Then again Im very proud of them!!! Oh yes and the fact that im a lezbo and i cant have her really hurts me? When i became a lez is beyound me...and if i were to be one she wouldnt ever make the cut. Something about her body and personality just wouldnt work for me. Oh wait else is there? Oh her great music taste that im so ashamed i dont have i guess? And her incrediable bf...what can i say there lets see...had him...didnt want him..moved on...Now i have a sexy mother fucker who surpasses that dick and yes i mean his literal dick by multiple inches. I could say more but theres not really a point cause im sure it will just make me sound like a bitch and well i am but the point of the matter is...urmm im not sure. Anyways i will prolly write more laters...

Havent wrote in forever! At least thats what it feels like. Hrmm well lets see this past week was interesting. I was accused of cheating on my bf, yet the person who told him didnt even know me. Very nice isnt it...well we got that squared away. Then a bunch of stupid shit concerning homecomming happend. Oh and another fight with the monkey, I just always love those. But its okay I have a little surprise for her and her lap puppy that should end up being very entertaining. So instead of going to the dance Mike and I went to go see the movie Serenity. It was a very good movie! Mike and I had a much needed talk today. Do you ever feel like you love someone so much but then again it feels like its going no where? Okay Mike and I have been together for a year. So much shit has happend but the thing is I'm moving forward and Mikes stuck in nuteral and I just dont know anymore. I mean I love him more then anyone, but sometimes I question him. It must sound so stupid but sometimes I just want to give everything up and start all over. Whatever I have lots to think about so Im going to head out.

Im stressing and Im hurt today. Well Im stressing about college right now and things that need to be done. I know Im only a Junior but I really need to get busy cause at this point I think I might be fucked. Im really scared I guess you could say and that doesnt happen often. And than Im hurt because of Elise. I dont know this might sound stupid but I thought we were really close(thought is the key word in that sentence). But Im actually starting to wonder about that. I mean how shitty is it to know that I still havent gotten a letter from her when other people have. She said she was writing one before but it just didnt turn out right and that she was sending one out for me today...but I dont know. Plus she never really replys to my messeges anymore. Im just so paranoid and worried about everything right now. I mean I'll go from extreemly happy to so depressed in a second. Or I'll just snap on someone for some little thing or another. But whatever I have to go cause I need to stop thinking about this shit right now.

I guess I really havent been writing alot lately which is kinda weird for me, but what is there really to write. Plus the things that I wanna write I dont care for people to read I guess. So I kinda feel bad but then again I dont. See Mike was asked to go to LaSalle with his friends and I told him he cant go because the only way he'd be able to is if I go and there is no one in hell I would go so he cant. I feel a little bitchy cause I know he wants to go, but the thing is right now I really dont care. See I dont like his friends, I can only stand a few, and all the ones I hate are going to be there. I wonder if that makes me a bitch. Oh well I have made sacrafices for him many times. Plus those people arent his friends in all reality. Bad influences really...Heh...mine and his 1 year is comming up soon, Im so fucking happy about that though.

Im kinda getting used to not having Elise around which bites! Im going to really hate not having her around! Oh well things change I guess!Im just waiting for when she can come HOME!*KISS & LICK*

So today I went to a concert and saw the guy who sings one of my top FAVORITE songs!!! IM so happy! OMG it was great he was like right fucking there!! OH so hot!!!

AnYwAyS this is the song:

"Give Me Up Again"

Make up your mind take me or leave me
I'll be doing fine with or without you
I'm wasting my time letting you deceive me
The truth is in your eyes but I deny what I see
Time and time again

I let you get back under my skin
I let you break me down again
I let you get close way too close
But I see through it

You gave me that smile and I gave in
And you knew that I would
Time and time again you pulled me in
Just to give me up, gime me up again

What is a dream if it doesn't come true
I believe I'll find love but will it be with you
I never would have thought such a pretty little face could
offer me so much and take all that I had
Well I want it back

I let you get back under my skin
I let you break me down again
I let you get close way too close
But I see through it

You gave me that smile and I gave in
And you knew that I would
Time and time again you pulled me in
Just to give me up, gime me up again

Time and time again you pulled me in
Just to give me up, give me up, give me up


*WINK WINK*

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK HELL DAMN DICK FUCK ASS...and fuck this isnt helping any i need help and i just need someone to vent to...but no one here really cares. Maybe its cause everyone else has their own fucking problems. I just need someone who loves me...to talk to me im going fucking nuts over here. I want Mike to be OKAY!GOD i cant keep typing fuck this shit fuck it and you all!


Okay sorry over reacted not all of you...

Just the mildly some that really fucking get on my damn nerves that i just want to bitch slap every fucking time their disgusting names are mentioned. Okay this is becomming hateful im going now!

Urmm...lets see I have been hanging out with Dash and Nickie alot. Yay! And I have hung out with Shalon and Tiffany interesting isnt it. Lets see yesturday I went to Mikes to help with his demo car instead we ate and talked to greg. So im helping him with it today. Dont get the wrong idea we arent doing anything I dont want him back. And then I came home and Dash picked me up and then we picked Tiffany up. That was fucking great...then we droped her off and went to Taco Hell. Then went to GOLMERVILLE. I swear its like desereted there....it was creepy. We sat at Tonys house( a friend of Dash's) i like(friendly) this kid he's really nice. Oh and one of Dash's pycho ex's kept calling so Tiffany answerd and yelled at her...then i answered and she just hung up. Then at like 3 she called Dash again and said some shit. How nice life is...heh...and yay the fair is in 2 fucking days! But im going to go now im supposed to be cleaning my room! Laters

*TO ELISE*-I LOVE YOU and think of constantly! There hasnt been day when something we've done doesnt creep into my mind and make me miss you terribly! You bitch i miss you so so so so much.

So its now 1:30 am on thursday...my birthday just got done. Urmm my parents took me out to dinner it was kinda weird cause my family never does anything together unless its to bitch at eachother. I got happy birthdays here and there...Im so fucking sick though which really fucking sucks. And I couldnt see Dash tonight but I spent all the night with him(the 2nd) he was the first person to wish me happy birthday today.That was only cause he was with me till after mignight though lol. Tomorrow we are hanging out and going to the movies which should be really awesome. He makes me happy, but sometimes I wonder about him. He just seems so so nice that he isnt real. Then again I'm not used to guys acting the way he does towards me. Oh and yay! the fair is comming to town soon thats my favorite part of the entire year...I get cotton candy! But I dont feel the best so Im heading out laters!

Wow so last night was the last time i'll see my Elise baby for a whole fucking year! What kinda shit is that...Elise, Nickie, Paul, and I all stayed up till 3'ish then tried to get some sleep but we had to get up at 4:30 for the airport. I swear I'm going to savor that night forever it had to have been one of the best. The song dedicated to last night was "Save Tonight"-Eagle Eye Cherry! I didnt want to cry at the airport cause 1)Im way to sick(Elise's nice parting gift) 2) I think it would have made it harder on Elise 3) Plus it hasnt fully sucken in yet that I wont get to see her for so fucking LONG! Then again I'm so used to close people leaving me that maybe it wont phase me as much as it should. I dont know what Nickie, Paul, and I are going to do without her. Last night sence I wasnt feeling good I was laying in bed and Paul was talking to me and making sure I was alright and Elise came in cause Nickie had fallen asleep and layed on the bed with us...and I was just thinking jeez theres not going to be a time when the three of us will be together again for so long. For some reason I just wanted to hold Elise and never let her go. Shes been there so much for me and Im going to miss her! I mean I dont know what Im going to do. Shes supposed to be there to help me stay strong...and shes not here anymore.*Tears starting* I dont want to fall apart but Im so lost. I know that leaving really made her happy cause she really wanted to go to another country so Im happy for her. But damn, it just really hurts so fucking much. I told her I would write her and send her pics all the time but it still isnt the same. I think we will have to video tape stuff too for her! I hope she has a safe flight and everything goes over smoothly. Thats I'll I can say for now Im going to lay down. Sence Elise was sick Nickie and I both got sick lucky us! Paul hasnt yet but we tried to get him sick! Haha...We'll just have to wait and see what happens. Oh and tomorrow is my Sweet Sixteen...Elise said she was going to try and call, but Im not holding to much hope on in just cause I think she'll be a plan for the whole day. But not like I hold it against her she said happy birthday to me before she left! Well Im done now...bubye

Sence I have my temps I have been driving alot which is so fucking kool I guess. Im sad though, seriously cause Elise is leaving ME!!!And I dont want that at all I love her to death! But tomorrow I get to spend the night with her and Nickie and Paul which should be great fun. And then my birthday is on Wednesday woo-hoo fun there Sweet Sixteen and I have the heart to do NOTHING! Go me! Urrmm so I have been hanging out with this hottie named Dash lately! Hes so great! Hes extreemly nice and so respectable. Plus, his accent is to die for!!! I guess I'll say more later on but thats really all I have to say...! Laters!!!!!!Haha!

So lets see Friday was kool, I got to hang out with a bunch of people that I like and I also got to make up with Jon. That should make Shalon happy I guess. Elise, Shalon, and I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. OMG I just LOVED that movie! Didnt get to bed till about 4...then my mom woke us up at 9(i had friends stay the night). But I did get a new cell because mine got lost the night before.I dont mind, even though I lost all my numbers this cell is so much koolers!Then yesturday I went to my bf's brothers wedding. It was so damn cute, I started to tear up a bit...kinda lame considering Im not exactly family yet. But it did hurt a bit cause they had to take wedding pictures so I just went and sat in the van for half and hour cause I wasnt sure if they wanted me to be included in them. Then we went bar hopping...now I dont like bars so this wasnt that entertaining for me, plus I wasnt drinking.Cant say Mike didnt look good in his tux though haha. Then the reception was hell cause I only knew the immediate family of his and a few of thier friends so I really didnt have many people to talk to. I guess I dont mind it to much cause I just sat by myself most the time but it did get irritating when I kept getting asked "whats wrong" or when people kept giving me stares like "why are you here". But I did end up making up with Buth too, so it was kool...I guess hes not really that bad of a guy when you get past his asshole'ishness haha. A lot of other shit went on but I dont care to share it I guess. Then we went back to Mikes house I cried for a while then I finally went to sleep and woke up today at 1:00. Came home and am now on the computer fun isnt it? I feel so completly lost today. Im depressed, tired, and confused. So I think after I am done with this Im going to go up stairs and lie down. Urr...the torture.

Well Well Well...Shiters and more Shit. So nothing great and nothing to bad. Dont care to share what i think is sad...haha dont ask and i wont tell. So tonights the night when all is let lose yet tomorrows never comming for those of us who are lost. Dont ask why i just said that cause i dont even know shits just comming in and out of my brain right now. I feel like barfing majorly cause i feel sick to my stomach for no reason at all. Also im confuzzled on things once again. I feel many are trying to play head games with me more or less. I see no point to it but people try. Oh well right? no didnt think so...Urr lost right now...my head is spinning and spinning and it wont stop. Anyways i think im going to stop cause well im rambling right now and thats not to good cause then i will start saying stuff that doesnt need to be said and that might lead to some trouble so i think im done writing for now.

So okay I need to get shit off my chest before I go nuts! I love Mike and I always will...sadly I did this for him. Isnt it odd how if you love someone so much you'd do anything for them? Im trying to move on but its not the same, I just want to be held by him again and to be able to talk and cuddle with him. It makes me feel so insecure not being with him. I know I'm trying to play this off all kool, but I dont want him to know its killing me inside. See I dont think it was the right time in his life for us. He had so much left he needs to do...and I dont want to keep him from that. See I was his crutch...he knew no matter what he would do I would be there. But sometimes thats not a good thing. I figured if I left him he would realize hes doing something wrong, but I guess I didnt matter much to him huh!?! Theres so much I wish I could say to him...but it all seems so fucking pointless. Im not going to let myself cry over this cause Im helping him and thats more important then how I feel. No one can understand how much I miss him everyday. I dont miss some things about him thats for sure, but I do miss alot. Sadly I told him I didnt love him and I didnt miss him, just so he'd go away, so he'd stop hurting and god it kills me. But what I really hate is I know how hes feeling cause I have had it done to me. That makes this all the more painful cause I know how bad it kills someone to just feel it. Its constantly haunting you and it never leaves you...pain that just fucking rips through your body and settles in the core of your heart to torture you till theres nothing left except emptieness. I hate knowing that I'm putting that into him...that I took away so much from him. And I hate knowing it even more when deep down I know I want to be with him. All I ever wanted was for him to go back to school, get a steady job, to stop lying to me, and take care of his drinking problems. I didnt think it was to much to ask considering he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But I guess the rest of his life wants no part of me...or I'll be with him again later on. Im going to stop ranting its pointless anyways...