Its amusing and also a good thing that I can find a song for every emotion I have. For what I am feeling right now this song with have to do cause its sticking out the most and I cant exactly pin point want I am feeling.
"Dying In The Sun"
Do you remember
The things we used to say?
I feel so nervous
When I think of yesterday
How could I let things
Get to me so bad?
How did I let things get to me?
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying [X2]
Will you hold on to me
I am feeling frail
Will you hold on to me
We will never fail
I wanted to be so perfect you see
I wanted to be so perfect
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying [X2]
God...I hate life at this moment...well I hate it and I love it at the same time. I feel as though everything is going to get fucked up pretty quick here again and I dont want that. I'll write more later I just dont have the energy to do so now!
So Talia and I getting along is actually making things alot smoother at school. It kinda feels like theres an ease in the air. Its an awesome feeling really. Other times when we had made up it never felt as pure I guess you could say as this one does. Good thing though cause I truley want that to be the last fight that we get into. If only Kristen could realize that. Honestly if we could get her to work with us on this one I bet everything could be a lot better also. I dont really know how to convince her though. Talking to her obviously didnt help and neither did Talia trying to ask her either. And without those two options working I really dont know what else will. And I dont think candy can help this one. Even though candy is good...but sometimes it cant bribe everyone! Even though that candy to Talia wasnt a bribe considering I gave it to her yesturday, it was more like a get well soon gift. Despite the fact that shes not sick technically! Her and I talking has put an ease on Mike as well which is good. Hes a stressed out kid so Im glad that this took a little off him. Plus him having a job now helps too! Im happy for him thats hes doing better. Damn I have to work tomorrow that sucks donkey balls...oOo hopefully I make some MONEY! Im really poor right now. Which isnt to good...I still have to pay $200 on Douglas and I only have $50 of that. And he has to be paid off full by March 1st!!! Oh god, I might have to borrow some money! Good thing Mike has a job now and can pay me back all the money he owes me! Even though I dont care if he pays me back or not. Its not like I dont know where he lives or anything. But right now I kinda need the money! And I also have my good old daddy that spoils me! Yay me! I talked to my mom about this summer art camp at GB and I really want to go it'll only cost $500 but I have to pay for half which isnt to bad. Thing is I want someone to go with me cause I dont want to go by myself but I dont have anyone that can go with me! Damn the agony! I'll prolly right more but its 3:50 and I have to get the house cleaned before my mom comes home which should be in the next 20 mins! So later sugars!
Talia and I talked last night and I really enjoyed getting things out in the open. Her and I came to a conclusion that we should all meet up and dicuss this like rational adults. Thats honestly all we want. I mean it would be cool just to get everything squard away. And the only person who wont agree to it is Kristen cause she feels as though it worthless to do so. Im not exactly positive what she thinks but Im sure thats the jist of it cause I cant really speak for her. But I dont know she says she not immature(and Im not saying she is), but talking it out would be the adult thing to do. Cause how all of us have been acting have been childish. Im not putting the blame on any one person cause its not just anyone persons fault. I just wish she could learn to see some things. I understand that all of us have been hurt by this but c'mon seriously. Im not just throwing out sorry's I honestly am sick of this. I dont know I guess we will see where it goes from here but I hope she will just think about it more and maybe take it into consideration instead of just dismissing it right away. It could be benifitial for all of us.
Love that is stretched so thin can break at any moment. I try to tell myself this but it never happens. You know what really bothers me is that some people try telling me I dont know what love is. Well sadly enough I know what love is, and I also know what losing love is. I know what being tangled in love is and not wanting love is. I know every type of love there has ever been in this god forsaken place. People say that you cant feel love unless you have felt loss and vice versa. And they are right...I never really believed that untill I felt it with my own heart. I have been in love, prior to my twisted love life thats in flow at this current moment. Not false love but actual love and damn was it great...that I wont deny. I ended up losing what I had with that person because we both ended up making to many mistakes that could ever be corrected. It tore me to peices and I promised at that moment I would never ever let someone come as close to me as that person was. I never wanted to be hurt again like that. I didn't think I was strong enough to go through that pain again. So in return I constantly turned good people away I didn't care if they were friends, lovers, or of any relation to me.
Then I became friends with 3 people that slowly began chipping my wall away, I grew to love them. Towards the end I got scared and pushed them out of my life in fear that they would do the same. Childish maybe but my fear was closing in on me and what was I to do. Wait and let them hurt me or just hurt myself? I figured hurting myself was easier to bare then them doing it me. Before the closing act came I met Mike. I remember the first time I saw him, I could not and can not ever forget it. And all I can say to describe the moment I saw him is, "Damn". I felt so many emotions at once. I never believed in "love at first sight" till I saw him. That was my initail reaction. Of course I couldnt let up to that, so I continude to be "one of the guys" instead of oggling his goodies, considering I was the only female there out of like 10 or so males. God, as the night drew on I just felt that something was going to happen with him. At the end of the night he gave me his number...I was so shocked. When I got into the car with those few friends (that I wont mention) all three of them told me not to give him the time of day. They said he would hurt me, use me, and do nothing but lie to me. But I figured hey why not give it a try maybe hes not the same guy as one of them knew him to be. I started hanging out with Mike more and more...and the other three got really mad and I got tired of dealing with it and dealing with them telling me all these bad things about him that I just ended our friendships right there.
Stupid right? God, they were such close friends it killed me every day after and it still sends a pain to my heart everytime I see one of them. No matter how many times I try to tell myself it was all for the best, I know Im just lying. I just figured he was worth it and not to mention I didnt want them to stop being friends with me cause I didnt want to get hurt so I figured I would do the noble thing. And now Mike and I have almost been together for a year and half. We have gone through so much shit that I sometimes dont even believe it myself. I love him as much as I did when I first saw him and a thousand times more. No one even understands how much he means to me. Hes become "my everything", I was willing to risk everything in my life just to have him. I have taken so much shit sence I have been with him that almost anyone would have given up a long time ago. But he opend me back up to love, he opend me up to hope, how could I just throw that and most of all, him away?
Now there are a few nameless people out there who think our relationship is nothing and even think that I am nothing. But who are they to judge, they dont know what him and I have been though. I have stuck by his side through thick and thin. Even times that I shouldnt have. I always think theres room for change, I always hoped for so much with him and I. I can't even shed a tear for our love anymore. I have wonderd to myself if our relationship is failing but when I think about it, what really is a failure of any relationship? All I know is that I love him with everything that I am made of. What I feel for him I fear will never change. I dont know if it pays to love him as much as I do. I dont want to sound like a bad person but is there a point. I have tried for so long to make us work. Denial is one word that has come to mind numorous times. I have over looked tons of things that he has done in hopes that it might make things better and in some things it has and some things it hasnt. But something I do know is that we are stronger then either of us could have enticipated. I know that what we have is love and if its a "FAILURE" as some of you seem to think it is than what are we to do about it?
Nothing, because everyone has their own opiouns, their own reasoning, and their own tired ass excuses. Im tired of hearing you few nameless people or there critisize us for not having a "normal" relationship. What the hell does it matter to you? You guys arent in OUR relationship! Do you understand what the word OUR means? It pretains to him and I. That doesnt include you people that feel as though you should stick your god damned nose's in it. And instead of being childish come out and say it to him or I. Not going behind our backs thinking your cool and and bold cause your really not. And Im tired of the few of you thinking your all bad ass cause you can talk shit when Im not around or think I cant hear a word your saying, but when I am around your balls are so baried a grave digger couldnt even reach them. So next time you feel the need to talk your normal cunt ass bullshit replace those balls you think you have and say something to my face. If that was to hard to click in for you NAMELESS people. Stop being affraid of me, simple as that and dont say your not cause you have avoided it ever sence you have had a problem with me. And if your so god damn keene on kicking my ass step the fuck up and stop hiding. Cause god knows I wouldnt back down for anything this precious little life of mine has to offer and thats a promise!
Hah Talias still convinced shes not kicking my ass cause shes 18 so I told her I would tell everyone I started it and shes still to panzy funny note here. I kicked her cousins ass whose over 18 and at least she had the balls to try and fight me back instead of using an age as a pathetic accuse for not getting your ass beat! How pathetic is that then again if I knew I had no chance in a fight I would prolly try to think of every lame ass excuse...well any that are left over from the ones spewing out of Talia's and Kristen's mouth's.
Wow this is great I just found out from Talias diary that she kicked my ass...Wish I would have been there for that. And where shes getting that I am hurting my friends is beyound. Because Linnea isnt my friend and also I didnt do anything to her its not my fault she opend her mouth about my REAL FRIENDS and I told them what she was saying. What panzy ass mofo's!!! If only I werent 18 my ass she didnt have the balls before she turned 18 like it would be any different now. Chicken shit bitch! I would love to see her even attempt to Try and kick my ass cause if last time was an attempt she better just keep her thoughts to herself. If it wouldnt have been for bookem pulling me off her she would have got her ass beat so shes lucky on her part. And dont deny it sugar if your reading this cause everyone knows the truth! Go suck a dick you immature little bitch! And you better do it soon before your Lover Boy leaves you!
This weekend was very interesting...
Everything has been pretty good at school. My classes are great...and lotz of fun. I really love my art classes...the only thing that sucks though is my first project for Drawing and Illistration just sucks. I dont know why but I just dont like it and for some reason I cant get the feel of it. Oh well no big deal I guess every artist has at least one failure? Urgh...but its really bugging me. God damn Im so fucking tired. I think Im going to go do my homework and then head to bed.
Okay so Im now home from work..YahA! Lol haha it was koodles tonight. I guess we are going to be doing the girls night on Friday I have to clear it my mommio first though but that shouldnt be to much of a problem! I cant wait I feel like having fun...with GIRLS! Sence Im such a lesbian! The funny little things that people say about me! MONEY! Sorry Im really tired so I think Im going to head off to nighty night land! Think of the people that I always fantasize about cause I couldnt ever be like them or have them *TEARS A STREAMING*
Im bored right now extreemly Im waiting to go to work! Its going to be fun cause I get to work with Lauren! Shes the koolest! Jealous thoughts *jeez I wish I could have a boyfriend like Talias so I could have entertainment by breading someones ass hair* Hah sorry couldnt resist...and I just found out I will be having one of my art class's with Kristen! How coolio is that shit seriously! This year couldn't get any better! Not the point though...Im really tired. And my mom just went and got FOOD! I swear she always buys like $300 worth of foor for 2 weeks and I never get any of it. Then again thats cause of my dad and brother they seem to not now how to chew just swallow everything in sight! Theres nothing wrong with that though...heh! Then again sence some people seem to think I am oOo so fat maybe Im scarfing it down when I only get one meal a day in! Hah! Dumb-DuMB-DUMB
So today was exams and I had a half day. After school I went out to eat with a few friends at Hong Kong it was really fun. Then we drove around for awhile. Then some stupid ass shit happend. Nothing I really want to disclose to strangers. Then tonight Nickie, Kevin, Mike, Bookem, my brother, and I are supposed to be going to see U2:E. I cant wait I dont know if Mike and Bookem are going thought cause Mike is throwing another one of his usual temptrums and I personally dont care to deal with it. The new childish story of the week. I get harrassing phone calls Saturday night from a group of people 18 and older! I bet they felt like winners then one of those people writes me on here saying Im a child and the only reason why Mikes with me is because hes affraid Im going to call him in for Rape. Yes, that makes sence that we have broken up numorus times and hes came back to me every single time when I've told him to stay away. He knows I would never do that but seriously thats pretty pathetic that she feels as though she has to go around saying that to justify why he doesnt want to speak to her. Not like I wouldnt get in trouble or anything but hey its Talia you cant expect to much brains comming from her. Not to say shes stupid or anything just saying she doesnt understand the concept of LOGIC. Then again she also thinks Im jealous of her cause I dont know what the meaning of LOVE is. Right...thats it I dont know what love is so Im jealous of you and your friends. What can I say you have me all tied up in knots. *Tears are flowing*...yea right not the point though Im trying to think of something all kool to say back but I ran out of those kinda of comebacks when I was still in the 3rd grade. Till then sugars!!!!
Haha Loni and I just dyed our hair. Okay well I dyed mine yesturday and dyed it again today. Loni just dyed her hair for the FIRST EVER time. And its funny cause its BLONDE! A BLONDE PERSON just dyed their hair BLONDE!!! Its funny we are going to have pics up prolly by the end of the night! GO US WOO HOO!!!
MONKEY!
Georgo Georgo..puddin
so what if she has a mustache and looks like a monkey..
shit..i think its better than looking like a donkey!
Oh what is she going to do when the baboon wants its ass back?
she just needs to shut her fucking mouth becuz she talks way to much smack!!
Oh well, i guess she'll just have to live with these facts..but still i wonder..
what is she going to do..when the baboon wants its ass back?!?
Haha Shaloni Dong made a funny with Lauren! I lovers it so if you dont know who they are talking about then your DUMB! COUGH COUGH *Talia* COUGH....
So Im talking to Nickie right now and we were going to hang out tonight but we are going to do it tomorrow instead. Well actually it will be Nickie, Loni, Lauren, and I. We're going to dye my hair and do really stupid shit also. I think we all really need this. Im kinda stressed'ish. Schools been bugging me cause I have a big thing comming up and Im not exactly sure what Im going to do. Im talking about college btw. And then relationship issues thats a very big one. I would honestly like to know when mine and Mikes relationship become everyone else's concern. Seriously, Talia and Kristen really need to back off. Its not my fault he chooses me over his own family(talia). And Kristen just needs to back out of it cause she has nothing to do with it at all. I can understand she wants to be a "good" friend to Talia but when shes getting into my buisness its pathetic on her part. You would think they have more entertaining things in their own lives (like maybe THEIR OWN BOYFRIENDS)! But no, they seem to like my life alot better. Must be jealous if they spend so much time worrying and wondering. Hah oh well I guess I dont mind really. Doesnt hurt me any...I've got what I want and that sits fine with me.
Good day I guess you could say, nothing to bad really happend. But I was really happy when I heard Mike tell Alex and Kevin he no longer wanted to be there friends. Funny I got a call right after from Talia saying it was me what a douche. I swear she still thinks she knows Mike when she knows nothing. She really needs to grow up then again I dont mind makes her look more like a fool then she already does. Yay the funness with words and how they dance. Im kinda confused about some things. But oh well theres nothing I can really do about it.
"The Nameless"
Pathetic (benign)
Accept it (undermine)
Your opinion (my justification)
Happy (safe)
Servent (caged)
Malice (Utter weakness)
No toleration
Invade (committed)
Enraged (admit it)
Don't condescend (don't even disagree)
Destroy (decay)
Dissapoint (delay)
You've suffered then, now suffer unto me.
Obsession, take another look.
Remember, every chance you took.
Decide, either live with me
Or give up - any thought you had of being free
(Don't go) I never wanted anybody more than I wanted you
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hate.
Anyone (NO) Anything (YES) Anyway (FALL)
Anybody (MINE) Anybody (TELL ME)
I want (YOU) I need (YOU) I'll have (YOU)
I won't LET ANYBODY HAVE YOU
Obey (ME) Believe (ME) Just trust (ME) Worship (ME) Live for (ME)
Be grateful (NOW) Be honest (NOW) Be precious (NOW) Be mine (JUST LOVE ME)
Possesion (feed my only vice)
Confession (i wont tell you twice)
Decide - (either die for me)
Or give up - any thought you had of being free.
(Don't go) I never wanted anybody more than I wanted you
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hurting you.
(Don't go) I never wanted anybody more than I wanted you
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hate.
(Yeeeeeeeeeaaaa
Stay inside the hole, let me take control. (Dominate)
You were nothing more, you were something less (innocent)
Something has to give - something has to break (omnipresent)
Fingers on your skin, let my savage in
YOU DESERVE IT.
YOU DESERVE IT.
YOU DESERVE IT.
YOU DESERVE IT.
(Don't go) I never wanted anybody more than I wanted you (i wanted you)
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hurting you. (was hurting you)
(Don't go) I never wanted anybody more than I wanted you (i wanted you)
(I know) the only thing I ever really loved, was hate.
You're mine (you are you are)
You're mine (you are you are)
You're mine
YOU'RE MINE
I am having the best mother fucking year so far! Theres been a couple changes that I am very proud of and I havent been happier. I have noticed something though...guys are all the same. But oh well I have no complaints really. What can I say, great past couple of days. Nothing to complain about. Hrmm I really have nothing to talk about either. Anyways I think Im going to go cause I have nothing to say. What a wonderful life of mine.
Ahh lets see I feel like shit because I got sick some how. Shalons sick too, so we're blaming it on Dustin. He was the only one around us who was sick! We're attempting to get Mike sick but it isnt working as easily as we thought it would. DAMN THE MAN...Oh the pain! Actually I guess its not to bad, waves of nausea, headaches, and a runny nose never killed anyone! Hopefully it goes away before wednesday cause I have to work and it would be really gross for me to work while I am sick! Im so pissed off last night when Shalon and I were hanging out we both bought some OJ, but we bought different kinds. I bought DOLE and she bought MINUTE MAID. I hate MM and she hats DOLE, but when I left I ended up grabbing hers...it sucks the big one. Cause all I want is OJ and I get stuck drinking shitty OJ. And I just drank some Alka Selcer Flue Tablets thats supposed to taste like Orange. So now Im kinda turned off by OJ just because of that nasty ass taste in my mouth. I hate liquid med's it makes me even more sick.
Wow...So things have been really good latly. Christmas came and went, it wasnt to bad either. Actually it was almost the best one I think I have had. Not cause of the presents(but those were good too), but because my family actually got along. Its a rare thing in this household for all of us to get along, even for that short of a time. I got everything I wanted for Christmas so Im happy about that as well. The only thing that sucks is my guitar that they bought wasnt the one that we orderd. It was supposed to be black, purple, and orange. But it came a regular brown color. Not complaining though cause I still am glad I got one. Lets see I also got clothes, cd's, art shit, and other things. Cant really think of it all right now. I also just bought a $350 puppy, its so fucking cute. Whats even better is its a Miniture Dosh Hound, but it has the same prints as my Rottie. They just look so cute together! But he has to get fixed cause if him and my Rottie ever mated there would be some pretty ugly dogs running around. All I know is that I couldnt be happier with things right now. Mikes upstairs right now playing his Resident Evil 4 game I bought him, its annoying. Lol I swear he wouldnt detache from that game even if his life depended on it. We didnt get to sleep till 2 in the morning cause he wouldnt put it down. Haha well and some other things but we arent going to get into that.
(Another couple things)-I owe alot to Bookem, if it wasnt for him right now I dont know how controlled and mellowed out I would be about everything that is going on. As stupid as it sounds I think he really did help me with a few things! Now what I am about to talk about has nothing to do with Bookem. Bookem helped with other things going on in my life.
This is about Tom and Kristen. How pathetic and childish is it for an 18 yr going on 19 to draw on someones picture and right shit. Then again I dont think it was Tom and neither does alot of people, he might be a little off but hes never been that childish. But the truth is it doesnt even bother me. I mean maybe it would if it just wasnt such a pathetic attempt to try and piss me off. As much fun as it would be to sink to their maturity level and do something just as childish back, I just cant do it. It could be the fact that I dont like looking like a moron but hey sometimes thats appealing to people if they found eachother. Awkwardly enough, they are perfect for eachother in so many ways. Both back stabbing, immature, little bitches! Hah... How The Fucking Cookie Crumbles!
So I had a very good weekend! Went to a b-ball game on Friday and I think it pissed of my lezbo lover(KRISTEN) because she glared at me all night for some very odd reason(jealius much)!!!For some reason I dont think she likes me and she thinks I want her boyfriend, even though I had him first! In more ways than one! Oh well I dont care if she believes me or anyone else cause at least I know its true and I love thinking about it. Hah...I bet she does to everytime shes on his bed! That prolly makes me sound like a whore but Im not so Im not to worried! Oh and yes I may have small boobs but her boyfriend never minded them anyways! That must really get to her, plus if Im so ugly I dont know what the hell that could say about her considering Tom called me unblievably gorgeous all the damn time! Haha sucks to be a Kristen these days! Anyways and then urmm I hung out with my hunny all weekend untill I had to work tonight and then I came home! Ahh how I love life! And then X-MISS (Funny story has to do with work) is comming...Im so happy about that cause theres stuff that I wanted for a while that i will be getting, plus its the 2nd one with my favorite sugar! Plus its another christmas that my family is actually together. Haha anyone who reads this has to read shalons diary entry cause it goes along with mine! [fucking like a tease]