I got contacts yesturday which is cool, and I ended up losing the man I love completly. I tried fighting and fighting everything. I tried to make it work for both our sakes but I just couldn't handle it anymore. After I tweaked at the baseball feilds last night and fuzzed out. I looked at him and saw how frail he was, how empty he was. I turned and looked straight into his eyes and asked him, "How can you sit here and look me in the eyes and tell me you love me?". That must have shocked him or something because he responded with silence and blank stare outward. He looked right through me, and thats when I knew it was the breaking point. No going back to something that never was. I have wasted two years of my life on him. I wasted friendships, hopes, and dreams on him for what, nothing. I wanted then and now to cry but how can I cry for something that never was? Should I feel broken hearted or relieved from this burdon? How do I react to such a rude awakening, even though I saw it drawing near? How do I face reality with its harsh tones. I just want to escape him, and everything for that matter. I want nothing to do with this life anymore. I once thought I could be happy living in denial, but I realized it only gets worse the longer you try to push it away. The bottle of un-wanted memories and feelings can only get so full and then it has to spill, doesn't it. Last night when I was having yet another panic attack and everything was getting hazy I was half hoping I wouldn't get back up, and half hoping he would realize what he has done to me after this time of us being together. I sat there on the cold, damp ground, trying to catch my breath knowing that if I didn't soon there would be dire consequences. Yet, all I was worried about was how he was feeling. So many things were racing through my head at that moment that its hard to pin point them all out now. I remember thinking of everything I gave up to be with him, everything he has done to me, everything that was happening. Somehow I felt relieved knowing this would be the last time he could and would ever hurt me again. How selfish, maybe, depending on how you look at things really. Many people were right about us, but why did it take me so LONG to let it click in. At times I changed myself to make him happy, to be what he WANTED and other times, I was just there, empty, so I wouldn't have to care about where he was, what he was doing, and who he was doing it with. Isn't it just the grandest feeling being with the person you love, yet not really being with that person. He's torn me down into nothing, and at this point I don't think or even know if I ever want to be something again.

Okay so once again Kristen is trying to pull the lame ass stunts to piss me off. What she hasnt gatherd yet after 2 years is they just dont work. What I think is funny is she thinks her and Talia are of the best of friends when Talia only became her close friend after Alyssa chose to leave. Isnt it great knowing your a sencond choice, oh and the fact that she has talked so much shit about Talia I just love it. Then again what are friends for right? Even funnier is I disturbed her so bad that she wont even use elftown anymore kinda pathetic if you ask me but then again from what she says Im a fat pathetic whore. What I will say back to that is...Im not fat but thats someones opioun and shit at least I can make money by giving out sexual favors when I have been with the same guy for two years!!! But whatever makes her happy I guess why take her amusement away. Sad thing is though that she says she hates me and cant stand me and that Im nothing to her yet she focus's her life on me. Wow...I feel loved actually envied must suck knowing who the bigger bitch really is.

Schools been just fine. Fights like normal of course nobody does anything to me. God, they are the most pathetic attempts at being a human. Sorry dont ask. But yea I havent been on in awhile because my computer desk broke so we ordered a new one and that one came broke so we get a new one Monday!!!Thank fucking god so I will get it back and my precious computer back then!!!! I really have nothing more to say so bubye boogs!

God, my stomach really hurts and I am so bored. But I am waiting for Mike to get off of work so him and I can go to GB with my sister. Her close friend Kristal had her baby finally! I cant wait to see what the baby looks like! Kristals going to be a good mom I can tell! Wow lifes been changing a lot latley. I dont know if its good or bad. And I just found out that some wanna-be-mes think that they annoy me when they could never even if they tried at attempting it a bit more. Thing is I dont get annoyed unless someone knows how to annoy me. And frankly none of them know how too. Not to mention they are to boxie to ever figure it out either. Oh well I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens it could get interesting! Yay, Fun in my life once again!

Yea, so I havent been on in a couple days which truley sucks! I hate being away from the computer,Im a junkie! I paid off my dog finally!!Yay, cause now I have money to buy stuff that I need and want! Like clothes, I want some new ones before it gets to warm. Im going to save some money up and go to GB, maybe get another peircing hah! God I cant wait till I can get Tatt's. Thats going to be awesome!!!Ahh and I get my digi soon, so much coolness in so little time. What a pitty I have no one to share it with. 

Today wasnt to bad I guess. I had fun in all my classes so thats an upper to my downer. Im just not feeling like myself lately! God I need new friends they irritaite me alot. Well except Nickie, shes the only one right now of my close friends that I can still stand! Lol its funny cause we were discussing how her BOYFRIEND is a pathalogical liar yet its funny she is with him. I dont know then again I am not one to talk about past relationships so yea nm that subject. So there has been something wrong with me for about a week or so. I have been having very hard troubles breathing and I dont know why either. It really fucking hurts and I dont think its to good for me either.

Lol I am so bored right now! Its 7:53 and Nickie still isnt here to get me. She prolly wont be here till 58 like usual so I thought I would come on here and check my messeges from last night. Mike was over so I couldnt do my usual Computer Junkie Funness. He brought me Subway though so it was worth it in my book! I'll be on later

I really have to pee at the moment! Hah nice way to start off an entery. Im listening to the song White Flag...everytime I hear it I want to cry it brings back oh so many memories that Im not to sure I want to have. Well I dont want to have the memories that came with my friend that the song is asscoiated with. Long story short-Close friend of mine killed himself. Not saying the to get sympathy either it happend ages ago so yea dont worry about it. Im so confuzzled right now about things and it really sucks! Plus I dont know who to talk to cause Mike told me I should really start talking to him about things that are wrong with me but sometimes its just so hard because of our past. Ahh damn the world I just want to go to a park and relax but I have no way to get there and it is way to cold to walk! DAMN THE MAN!

Havent been on in a couple days I was having some internet troubles! Well I found out that Cassie broke up with Chris Im happy for her! I mean Chris is a good guy and all but he didnt make her happy. And I love my sister to death so Im glad shes finally doing something in her life to make her happy you know? I worked untill 3 something than I went over to Nickies so our puppies could have play date than I went out to Alexs till 9. Then we left and got Taco Bell went back and left again a little after 10. It wasnt to bad extreemly cold though but still fun. Nickie and I were having fun eating PEANUTS. Oh and signing Alex's penis! We left some interesting messeges on it. Mocha Mint is the most awesome kinda of "Hot Chocolate Wannabes" there is! OMG I just Lovers it so!!! Thats what I am drinking btw Nickie and I both stoped at the Q-Mart to get one and we bought lighters with our Zodiac signs on them for no appairent reason. Go Us! Im so god damn tired but I left before Mike didnt cause he wanted to stay a bit longer so Bookem is giving him a ride here around 11-12. Im going to be passed out before then cause I have to be up for work at 8! Lucky Me! And then today my boss asked me how I would feel working full time during the summer Im still kinda undecided about that! Oh well...I guess everything will fall into place eventually?

Im sitting her contemplaiting my sanity. I know I have problems I have had them my whole life, so naturally I am used to it. But the thing is Im starting to frett over old things again and its bugging the shit out of me! Yet, I have no one to talk to about it cause the only person who used to get me well, I cant talk to him about it. Cause it would make things more difficult. I know I have fucked peoples lives over and that kills me inside. Then again sometimes it doesnt. I wonder if that makes me a bad person...I just dont know anymore. I have this numbing feeling constantly now. But whats even worse is Im trying to search for some god damn feelings and I cant get one. I will find a shred of one for a second and then its gone. I hate it when I get like this. Thing is its so damn complicated that I cant even figure the shit out. I dont know why I am like this right now, I dont know why I cant feel anything. I have been through this before but this time its come out of no where.

I didnt go to school again today. I feel kinda like a slacker but I just didnt feel up to it. Somethings wrong with me but Im not sure what yet. So Im chillaxing and listening to music. Right now Blister In The Sun is on! God I lovers this song for no real reason actually. Well technically it reminds me of a day me and Paul were hanging out. Hah...that was a pretty fun day. Aww, I feel kinda lonely cause everyone is at school and I am by myself. Mike on his lunch break came and brought me some oranges and grape fruit. It was sweet of him...I swear hes not giving up on wanting me back. This weekend I guess Im going to Alex's going away party which should be kool. I havent been to one of Alex's party sence last Winter I think. See the thing is Kristen and Tom are going to be there so its going to mildly interesting. I have nothing wrong with either of them. They started this stupid ass fight and shes to damn childish to get over it. I kinda have a feeling shes going to go back on her word to Talia. But I guess we will have to wait and see. Cause I dont plan on Mike and I staying to long. Im talking to Paul right now cause hes the only one on and I brought up the time that Him, Shalon, and I were in his moms van and we were trying to recreate the Titanic hand print. Then we started putting hand prints and feet prints all over the windows so his mom thought he was having sex in the van. God, we were such tards than. Or this one time I was wearing these really tight ass pants and he was waiting the whole night for them to split and finally he was riding his bike home and I bent down to talk to Shalon cause she was sad and they split open. He came all the way back just to laugh at me! Wow...thats all I can say. Him and I have had some of the stupidest mother fucking moments. Taco Bell, Late Nights, My dad and the fish tank! Omg...Paul and I are such tardo's!

I decided not to go to school today. Im stressed out and all my energy has been drained from me and it really sucks. I also really want some Taco Hell right now and to take a shower. So, I think im going to take a shower, clean my room and then do the rest of my art projects and then maybe come on later I guess.

Havent written in a couple days. This weekend really tired me the fuck out. Friday, sence it was a half day I came home and painted. Then I went to work till 11, came home and went to sleep. Woke up at 9 to be to work from 10-6...woo hoo there. Then came home got my dads truck and ran to the store. Finally I got hom and got the chance to relax and I watched movies and fell asleep at about 10. Woke up today at 7 and went to work from 8-4:30'ish! What fun that was...not. Nickie came and got me from work, brought me home I got dressed, ran to Crac Don's ate, went to Target, and Econo. Got back to me house chilled for 45 mins then went to the school play till 10:30. Now Im finally sitting down and relaxing and Im going to start painting pretty quick here I need to finish my painting for class. And I dont think I will be able to do it. I didnt even do shit on my Ink Wash...Mrs. Herbst is going to be pissed but oh well theres not much I can do about it. Omg, but Im getting tired cause of these few babys out there that can dish shit but cant fucking take it. Then again they cant even dish it to my face. Very pathetic if you ask me, but they think they are tough shit oh well whatever helps them sleep at night huh. I guess me being a bitch helps me sleep at night though lol. Sorry had to anways got shit to do...

Yay! School got canceled today on account of a little bit of snow which is kinda weird. But there was talk floating around about it being canceled yesturday. We all wanted it to be I guess. The only sucky thing is I wanted to go see the school play today but since school was canceled they arent going to be performing it. Hopefully I can see it on Sunday cause I have to work Friday and Saturday. Its a good thing school was canceled though cause I didnt plan on going today even if it wasnt. I just didnt have the energey to deal with peoples bullshit. Im starting to have a really short fuse for ignorance these days! Then again I did want to do some painting today. I really enjoy it for some reason. I never knew that I would like it as much as I do now. Oh well shit happens right? *grins at who that reminds me of* Dont ask and I wont tell. I watched a funny movie last night-Wedding Crashers. Omg I just thought it was hilarious. Im such a dork, I swear my whole life consists of nothing but movie watching. Not a bad thing though cause it keeps me entertained. I dont really have much else to say but i'll prolly write some later! Bubye for now all you devoted listeners!

I just took a test...it was a test stating "What Emotion Are You Hiding"...It got it exact!

You are hiding emotion!

For some reason you think that feeling nothing at all is better than feeling anything. You've locked away your feelings and emotions, probably from fear of getting hurt. Everything in life feels surreal and out of place to you, including the people in it. It's like watching a movie, only the movie is your life.


*Tottally different tune*

Everyone in this godforsaken place is a bunch of mind fucks! Its like a never ending cycle of fallacies and its sickening. I was just told I was jealous because no one loves me...because I have no one to love. Thing is that is so far from the truth. But its to much to try to explain. I guess I just dont care anymore about certain things. I just want to move forward and leave everything I know behind. Why is it that everyone thinks that everyone else is jealous? Or things along those lines does anyone ever stop to think there could be an actual reason behind things besides jealousy? NO NO NO...because some people are just to god damn stupid and slow minded to ever come up with any other conclusions. Theres only one person I want to talk to at this moment, the only person who has ever understood me for who and what I am. But can I no, because they have to be busy. I hate the fact that they love me but when it really comes down to it they never knew what love was. But without them I wouldnt know what love was. God, the closest person to me yet the farthest person from me.

Sunday morning I woke up to 3 carnations next to my bed. I thought it was cute but I couldnt handle the fact of who they came from. Mike...I love him dearly but we arent together anymore. Shocking I know after so long and so many heart aches. But truth is we just werent meant to be, at least not at this time. I wish things could be different but everything happens for a reason and Im not going to dwell on it. And yesturday I felt lonely cause I didnt have a valentine and two of my friends were talking about their boyfriends and all that fun stuff and all I could do was sit there and listen. Then today I call Mike to see why he wasnt at work and he asked me if I had gone up to my room sence I had gotten home from school. I hadn't and he said oh alright. I was midly curious so I went upstairs just thinking maybe he took something or left me something. I go in there and theres rose's and carnations all over my bed and then just a peice of paper saying all the reasons why he loves me. God, what do you say to something like that. I mean we arent together and its such a romantic thing to do. I know he wants me back and he said he will do everything to get me back. But I just dont think I am going to budge this time no matter what he does. I have no idea if that makes me a crude person or what but sometimes things just have to be done. He needs to learn a lesson and Im going to teach him one no matter what it takes me. Last year on V-Day I got Carnations from Paul, Mike, and Nickie. It was so cute and a little awkward. I feel like Im growing distant from everyone but it doesnt scare me like it used to. I used to be affraid of it. Affraid of what was to come in my life, but now Im glad to know that Im just going to have to wait and see what lies ahead. Im glad that I dont have everything pre-detirmended so early on in life. I used to have everything layed out but now its such a mess and I DONT CARE! I mean its a breath of fresh air, which is something Im not used to! I was all prepaired to go to GB get my teaching degree, get married, and have kids. But now I dont know if I want any of that! I just dont know anymore? It doesnt make sence cause I have wanted that sence I can remember. I guess I just need some alone time to think for awhile. Who knows really anymore...I have no one to connect to. Everyone is lost to me right now. Kinda odd really but I like it. I like knowing Im distant from everyone cause it makes me feel superior or like Im outside of a window looking in.

So I just found out that the reason I have been dying my hair red, black, and purple sence the 5th grade was so I could be like Kristen. Oh and that I have wanted to go to GB sence I was a frosh is because I want to be just like my Idol Kristen. Not to mention I supposdly tried out for the dance team to be just like her. When opps whats wrong with that story...Lets see I never tried out for the dance team. I went to an open Gym with Tiffany cause I lost a bet. And I convinced her to leave half way threw cause it was the biggest waste of time I could think of. But then again seeing my idol bend like she did just turned me on! Considering she was farther behind on her steps then the people just starting out. Oh and not to mention my nice nose peircing that I have wanted sence I was in 8th grade going through my Punk Stage with my friend Karen. Then again I wasnt old enough to get in done till this year! Coincidence...that me and my IDOL both were able to do it at the same time maybe! Omg and the fact that everyone said it would look good on the same said she got it done on so totally FREAKY! I guess my sister and I are just poseurs cause we both love Kristen! Omg...I think Im going to tear up with pleasure! Just like how I want my Idols boyfriend when what what what is that I hear oh yea, I had him first! Coincidence...that everything involving me came first I think not. *Welcome to the twillight zone*

Im all alone for V-Day....the tears...

I went to GB again this morning with Nickie. I got this cute skirt to match a corset top that I got for Christmas and it looks okay together which is good! I have to work on my art project later. Yuppie for me...Not! I just cant get it to work out and Im getting frustraited not to mention I think I am going to clean my room up and redecorate it a little bit! Who knows I guess I will see what happens!

P.S.-Im still going strong! Yay me!

Counting Stars Again....

Oh god Im so stupid and pathetic and wow. How can I be so dumb and blind. I am emotionally handicaped at this present point in time. I want to feel something as long as its not pain. But I know thats not going to happen so I have to numb everything. No matter what the feeling is!

My mom took my sister and I to GB today and my sister and I both got our nose's peirced. It looks pretty good I think. Lol my friends I were debating on what side to do...I finally decided that it was going to be on the left side. Now a lot of people said it was going to hurt so I was kinda nervous and when it happend I didnt even feel it. Which was so awesome...Sorry Im just really excited. Yea and Mike and I are officially no more. I mean we havent been dating for about a month..but I finally craked. And Im happy about it. I mean god I love him with everything I have but it can only take us so far. Its just how life is, oh well I just couldnt handle the lies and the drinking anymore. Some things just get old and very sickening. Not to mention I put up with way to much shit and Im tired of it. Im tired of being used. I am beautiful and talanted and I shouldnt have to waste my life because some guy treats me like shit. So Im not going to let it hurt me...Im going to think of the future and thats final!!! Thats all I have to write for now...I might right more later depends on what comes to mind really.