I am so scared right now. Im 16, pregnant, and worse of all alone. I always thought I could handle being alone, and in any other case I could. Yet, in the state that I am in right now being alone is the worse thing I could ever feel. I can't stand it and it's tearing me to pieces. I'm constantly crying and fearing the things that are to come. All I want is for someone to be there for me, but there is no one.

Hah she called herself a RETATD...that kinda proved it there...I think its RETARD...but that chould just be me. Im not sure I might have to consult a dictionary on that one. Anyways I have something interesting to put up on my house but I will do it later.

Wow I can't believe Shalon only thinks that some people are better than her. Guess that air duster and drinking helps her think this way. Or wait, not think at all really, but whos keeping tabs right. But it could explain why she is so damn retarded huh? Anyways bad news, I didn't get to find out if I am having a boy or girl, damn thing was to stubborn to turn over so we could see! So now I have to wait untill AUGUST!

Yay she's going to leave, one less skank in this town. Theres tears flowing somewhere...yea tears of peer happieness. Nickies party is in a couple of hours I can't wait! God Im so excited, Im going to miss her to damn much! I was crying about it last night which really bites. Cause I know shes not going to be gone forever but it still really hurts that shes leaving! Shes not going to be here when I need her most, I think thats what really hurts! But I'll be able to write her untill she can write me back, and maybe a few calls here and there. I know I will send her tons of pics she'll prob. run out of room, but at least she will be entertained! Hrmm...its almost 12 and the party starts at 2 I still have to take a shower and everything but I have to wear my hair down because when Nickie dyed my hair she missed all the roots in the front, but I still love her! Guess I shouldn't have distracted her with the period juice on the floor haha. Jk...she was shakin my hair dye bottle and it got all over the floor and ceiling and her counter, it looked odd. But hopefully her parents didn't notice. I don't think they did cause they haven't said anything. I'll find out later today though, but Im going to go cause I don't have much else to say! Toodles.

Aww...it seems like I hurt someones feelings. I kinda care, no I guess I really don't, I tried though which matters most. Yay, tomorrow is Nickies going away party, and I just can't wait! I don't know who all is showing up but hopefully nobody shady is! Its kinda sucky though cause Mike has to work untill 5:30-6 so he wont be there untill almost 7 and that is practically the end of it which really bites the big one.Urr...I hope its fun, if not I won't mind to much cause Im still spending time with Nickie before she goes away!

You never really realize how much of a slut someone is when your there friend. Maybe thats cause you think its all fine cause you are there friend, but damn once your not it seems like they are sleeping or trying to sleep with the whole damn town. Kinda sickening if you ask me but then again what do I know right? Guess not the truth hah. Sorry had to. I was supposed to go to Pride Fest this past weekend but I couldn't go because I was having breathing complications in my sleep and my mom was worried about me. But Nickie and Elise brought me back shirts. The one Nickie got me says "Dip me in honey...and throw me to the lesbians" and the one Elise got me says "Sit" and then theres a girl on her knees and another girl holding a leash! Its so fucking cute I love it. But I dont think I can wear Elise's right now, cause I dont want to strech it out! Hopefully Im skinny after I have this bundle of joy! Cause he's being a little shit! LOL...aww but I love him! I cant call the baby a boy though cause I technically dont find out if he is a boy or not till Friday! I hope the babys a boy, cause I really dont want a girl. I have always wanted a boy first so hopefully it works out for me! Well I have nothing more to say so bubye!

So rather funny stuff my ex is fucking shalon to piss me off. Sadly enough I dont like him and even funnier shalon lost a friend, proved shes a slut, and found out why guys always fuck her and leave her. At least this one has a good excuse for fucking and leaving. Oh well its how life goes isn't it.

I'm so down in the dumps right now. I had to give my puppy away to my cousin who lives in Michigan so I won't be able to see him again for a very long time! I miss him so much!

I got contacts yesturday which is cool, and I ended up losing the man I love completly. I tried fighting and fighting everything. I tried to make it work for both our sakes but I just couldn't handle it anymore. After I tweaked at the baseball feilds last night and fuzzed out. I looked at him and saw how frail he was, how empty he was. I turned and looked straight into his eyes and asked him, "How can you sit here and look me in the eyes and tell me you love me?". That must have shocked him or something because he responded with silence and blank stare outward. He looked right through me, and thats when I knew it was the breaking point. No going back to something that never was. I have wasted two years of my life on him. I wasted friendships, hopes, and dreams on him for what, nothing. I wanted then and now to cry but how can I cry for something that never was? Should I feel broken hearted or relieved from this burdon? How do I react to such a rude awakening, even though I saw it drawing near? How do I face reality with its harsh tones. I just want to escape him, and everything for that matter. I want nothing to do with this life anymore. I once thought I could be happy living in denial, but I realized it only gets worse the longer you try to push it away. The bottle of un-wanted memories and feelings can only get so full and then it has to spill, doesn't it. Last night when I was having yet another panic attack and everything was getting hazy I was half hoping I wouldn't get back up, and half hoping he would realize what he has done to me after this time of us being together. I sat there on the cold, damp ground, trying to catch my breath knowing that if I didn't soon there would be dire consequences. Yet, all I was worried about was how he was feeling. So many things were racing through my head at that moment that its hard to pin point them all out now. I remember thinking of everything I gave up to be with him, everything he has done to me, everything that was happening. Somehow I felt relieved knowing this would be the last time he could and would ever hurt me again. How selfish, maybe, depending on how you look at things really. Many people were right about us, but why did it take me so LONG to let it click in. At times I changed myself to make him happy, to be what he WANTED and other times, I was just there, empty, so I wouldn't have to care about where he was, what he was doing, and who he was doing it with. Isn't it just the grandest feeling being with the person you love, yet not really being with that person. He's torn me down into nothing, and at this point I don't think or even know if I ever want to be something again.

Okay so once again Kristen is trying to pull the lame ass stunts to piss me off. What she hasnt gatherd yet after 2 years is they just dont work. What I think is funny is she thinks her and Talia are of the best of friends when Talia only became her close friend after Alyssa chose to leave. Isnt it great knowing your a sencond choice, oh and the fact that she has talked so much shit about Talia I just love it. Then again what are friends for right? Even funnier is I disturbed her so bad that she wont even use elftown anymore kinda pathetic if you ask me but then again from what she says Im a fat pathetic whore. What I will say back to that is...Im not fat but thats someones opioun and shit at least I can make money by giving out sexual favors when I have been with the same guy for two years!!! But whatever makes her happy I guess why take her amusement away. Sad thing is though that she says she hates me and cant stand me and that Im nothing to her yet she focus's her life on me. Wow...I feel loved actually envied must suck knowing who the bigger bitch really is.

Schools been just fine. Fights like normal of course nobody does anything to me. God, they are the most pathetic attempts at being a human. Sorry dont ask. But yea I havent been on in awhile because my computer desk broke so we ordered a new one and that one came broke so we get a new one Monday!!!Thank fucking god so I will get it back and my precious computer back then!!!! I really have nothing more to say so bubye boogs!