Today wasnt to bad I guess. I had fun in all my classes so thats an upper to my downer. Im just not feeling like myself lately! God I need new friends they irritaite me alot. Well except Nickie, shes the only one right now of my close friends that I can still stand! Lol its funny cause we were discussing how her BOYFRIEND is a pathalogical liar yet its funny she is with him. I dont know then again I am not one to talk about past relationships so yea nm that subject. So there has been something wrong with me for about a week or so. I have been having very hard troubles breathing and I dont know why either. It really fucking hurts and I dont think its to good for me either.
Lol I am so bored right now! Its 7:53 and Nickie still isnt here to get me. She prolly wont be here till 58 like usual so I thought I would come on here and check my messeges from last night. Mike was over so I couldnt do my usual Computer Junkie Funness. He brought me Subway though so it was worth it in my book! I'll be on later
I really have to pee at the moment! Hah nice way to start off an entery. Im listening to the song White Flag...everyti
Havent been on in a couple days I was having some internet troubles! Well I found out that Cassie broke up with Chris Im happy for her! I mean Chris is a good guy and all but he didnt make her happy. And I love my sister to death so Im glad shes finally doing something in her life to make her happy you know? I worked untill 3 something than I went over to Nickies so our puppies could have play date than I went out to Alexs till 9. Then we left and got Taco Bell went back and left again a little after 10. It wasnt to bad extreemly cold though but still fun. Nickie and I were having fun eating PEANUTS. Oh and signing Alex's penis! We left some interesting messeges on it. Mocha Mint is the most awesome kinda of "Hot Chocolate Wannabes" there is! OMG I just Lovers it so!!! Thats what I am drinking btw Nickie and I both stoped at the Q-Mart to get one and we bought lighters with our Zodiac signs on them for no appairent reason. Go Us! Im so god damn tired but I left before Mike didnt cause he wanted to stay a bit longer so Bookem is giving him a ride here around 11-12. Im going to be passed out before then cause I have to be up for work at 8! Lucky Me! And then today my boss asked me how I would feel working full time during the summer Im still kinda undecided about that! Oh well...I guess everything will fall into place eventually?
Im sitting her contemplaiting my sanity. I know I have problems I have had them my whole life, so naturally I am used to it. But the thing is Im starting to frett over old things again and its bugging the shit out of me! Yet, I have no one to talk to about it cause the only person who used to get me well, I cant talk to him about it. Cause it would make things more difficult. I know I have fucked peoples lives over and that kills me inside. Then again sometimes it doesnt. I wonder if that makes me a bad person...I just dont know anymore. I have this numbing feeling constantly now. But whats even worse is Im trying to search for some god damn feelings and I cant get one. I will find a shred of one for a second and then its gone. I hate it when I get like this. Thing is its so damn complicated that I cant even figure the shit out. I dont know why I am like this right now, I dont know why I cant feel anything. I have been through this before but this time its come out of no where.
I didnt go to school again today. I feel kinda like a slacker but I just didnt feel up to it. Somethings wrong with me but Im not sure what yet. So Im chillaxing and listening to music. Right now Blister In The Sun is on! God I lovers this song for no real reason actually. Well technically it reminds me of a day me and Paul were hanging out. Hah...that was a pretty fun day. Aww, I feel kinda lonely cause everyone is at school and I am by myself. Mike on his lunch break came and brought me some oranges and grape fruit. It was sweet of him...I swear hes not giving up on wanting me back. This weekend I guess Im going to Alex's going away party which should be kool. I havent been to one of Alex's party sence last Winter I think. See the thing is Kristen and Tom are going to be there so its going to mildly interesting. I have nothing wrong with either of them. They started this stupid ass fight and shes to damn childish to get over it. I kinda have a feeling shes going to go back on her word to Talia. But I guess we will have to wait and see. Cause I dont plan on Mike and I staying to long. Im talking to Paul right now cause hes the only one on and I brought up the time that Him, Shalon, and I were in his moms van and we were trying to recreate the Titanic hand print. Then we started putting hand prints and feet prints all over the windows so his mom thought he was having sex in the van. God, we were such tards than. Or this one time I was wearing these really tight ass pants and he was waiting the whole night for them to split and finally he was riding his bike home and I bent down to talk to Shalon cause she was sad and they split open. He came all the way back just to laugh at me! Wow...thats all I can say. Him and I have had some of the stupidest mother fucking moments. Taco Bell, Late Nights, My dad and the fish tank! Omg...Paul and I are such tardo's!
I decided not to go to school today. Im stressed out and all my energy has been drained from me and it really sucks. I also really want some Taco Hell right now and to take a shower. So, I think im going to take a shower, clean my room and then do the rest of my art projects and then maybe come on later I guess.
Havent written in a couple days. This weekend really tired me the fuck out. Friday, sence it was a half day I came home and painted. Then I went to work till 11, came home and went to sleep. Woke up at 9 to be to work from 10-6...woo hoo there. Then came home got my dads truck and ran to the store. Finally I got hom and got the chance to relax and I watched movies and fell asleep at about 10. Woke up today at 7 and went to work from 8-4:30'ish! What fun that was...not. Nickie came and got me from work, brought me home I got dressed, ran to Crac Don's ate, went to Target, and Econo. Got back to me house chilled for 45 mins then went to the school play till 10:30. Now Im finally sitting down and relaxing and Im going to start painting pretty quick here I need to finish my painting for class. And I dont think I will be able to do it. I didnt even do shit on my Ink Wash...Mrs. Herbst is going to be pissed but oh well theres not much I can do about it. Omg, but Im getting tired cause of these few babys out there that can dish shit but cant fucking take it. Then again they cant even dish it to my face. Very pathetic if you ask me, but they think they are tough shit oh well whatever helps them sleep at night huh. I guess me being a bitch helps me sleep at night though lol. Sorry had to anways got shit to do...
Yay! School got canceled today on account of a little bit of snow which is kinda weird. But there was talk floating around about it being canceled yesturday. We all wanted it to be I guess. The only sucky thing is I wanted to go see the school play today but since school was canceled they arent going to be performing it. Hopefully I can see it on Sunday cause I have to work Friday and Saturday. Its a good thing school was canceled though cause I didnt plan on going today even if it wasnt. I just didnt have the energey to deal with peoples bullshit. Im starting to have a really short fuse for ignorance these days! Then again I did want to do some painting today. I really enjoy it for some reason. I never knew that I would like it as much as I do now. Oh well shit happens right? *grins at who that reminds me of* Dont ask and I wont tell. I watched a funny movie last night-Wedding Crashers. Omg I just thought it was hilarious. Im such a dork, I swear my whole life consists of nothing but movie watching. Not a bad thing though cause it keeps me entertained. I dont really have much else to say but i'll prolly write some later! Bubye for now all you devoted listeners!
I just took a test...it was a test stating "What Emotion Are You Hiding"...It got it exact!
You are hiding emotion!
For some reason you think that feeling nothing at all is better than feeling anything. You've locked away your feelings and emotions, probably from fear of getting hurt. Everything in life feels surreal and out of place to you, including the people in it. It's like watching a movie, only the movie is your life.
*Tottally different tune*
Everyone in this godforsaken place is a bunch of mind fucks! Its like a never ending cycle of fallacies and its sickening. I was just told I was jealous because no one loves me...because I have no one to love. Thing is that is so far from the truth. But its to much to try to explain. I guess I just dont care anymore about certain things. I just want to move forward and leave everything I know behind. Why is it that everyone thinks that everyone else is jealous? Or things along those lines does anyone ever stop to think there could be an actual reason behind things besides jealousy? NO NO NO...because some people are just to god damn stupid and slow minded to ever come up with any other conclusions. Theres only one person I want to talk to at this moment, the only person who has ever understood me for who and what I am. But can I no, because they have to be busy. I hate the fact that they love me but when it really comes down to it they never knew what love was. But without them I wouldnt know what love was. God, the closest person to me yet the farthest person from me.
Sunday morning I woke up to 3 carnations next to my bed. I thought it was cute but I couldnt handle the fact of who they came from. Mike...I love him dearly but we arent together anymore. Shocking I know after so long and so many heart aches. But truth is we just werent meant to be, at least not at this time. I wish things could be different but everything happens for a reason and Im not going to dwell on it. And yesturday I felt lonely cause I didnt have a valentine and two of my friends were talking about their boyfriends and all that fun stuff and all I could do was sit there and listen. Then today I call Mike to see why he wasnt at work and he asked me if I had gone up to my room sence I had gotten home from school. I hadn't and he said oh alright. I was midly curious so I went upstairs just thinking maybe he took something or left me something. I go in there and theres rose's and carnations all over my bed and then just a peice of paper saying all the reasons why he loves me. God, what do you say to something like that. I mean we arent together and its such a romantic thing to do. I know he wants me back and he said he will do everything to get me back. But I just dont think I am going to budge this time no matter what he does. I have no idea if that makes me a crude person or what but sometimes things just have to be done. He needs to learn a lesson and Im going to teach him one no matter what it takes me. Last year on V-Day I got Carnations from Paul, Mike, and Nickie. It was so cute and a little awkward. I feel like Im growing distant from everyone but it doesnt scare me like it used to. I used to be affraid of it. Affraid of what was to come in my life, but now Im glad to know that Im just going to have to wait and see what lies ahead. Im glad that I dont have everything pre-detirmende
So I just found out that the reason I have been dying my hair red, black, and purple sence the 5th grade was so I could be like Kristen. Oh and that I have wanted to go to GB sence I was a frosh is because I want to be just like my Idol Kristen. Not to mention I supposdly tried out for the dance team to be just like her. When opps whats wrong with that story...Lets see I never tried out for the dance team. I went to an open Gym with Tiffany cause I lost a bet. And I convinced her to leave half way threw cause it was the biggest waste of time I could think of. But then again seeing my idol bend like she did just turned me on! Considering she was farther behind on her steps then the people just starting out. Oh and not to mention my nice nose peircing that I have wanted sence I was in 8th grade going through my Punk Stage with my friend Karen. Then again I wasnt old enough to get in done till this year! Coincidence...
Im all alone for V-Day....the tears...
I went to GB again this morning with Nickie. I got this cute skirt to match a corset top that I got for Christmas and it looks okay together which is good! I have to work on my art project later. Yuppie for me...Not! I just cant get it to work out and Im getting frustraited not to mention I think I am going to clean my room up and redecorate it a little bit! Who knows I guess I will see what happens!
P.S.-Im still going strong! Yay me!
Counting Stars Again....
Oh god Im so stupid and pathetic and wow. How can I be so dumb and blind. I am emotionally handicaped at this present point in time. I want to feel something as long as its not pain. But I know thats not going to happen so I have to numb everything. No matter what the feeling is!
My mom took my sister and I to GB today and my sister and I both got our nose's peirced. It looks pretty good I think. Lol my friends I were debating on what side to do...I finally decided that it was going to be on the left side. Now a lot of people said it was going to hurt so I was kinda nervous and when it happend I didnt even feel it. Which was so awesome...Sorr
Its amusing and also a good thing that I can find a song for every emotion I have. For what I am feeling right now this song with have to do cause its sticking out the most and I cant exactly pin point want I am feeling.
"Dying In The Sun"
Do you remember
The things we used to say?
I feel so nervous
When I think of yesterday
How could I let things
Get to me so bad?
How did I let things get to me?
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying [X2]
Will you hold on to me
I am feeling frail
Will you hold on to me
We will never fail
I wanted to be so perfect you see
I wanted to be so perfect
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying [X2]
God...I hate life at this moment...well I hate it and I love it at the same time. I feel as though everything is going to get fucked up pretty quick here again and I dont want that. I'll write more later I just dont have the energy to do so now!
So Talia and I getting along is actually making things alot smoother at school. It kinda feels like theres an ease in the air. Its an awesome feeling really. Other times when we had made up it never felt as pure I guess you could say as this one does. Good thing though cause I truley want that to be the last fight that we get into. If only Kristen could realize that. Honestly if we could get her to work with us on this one I bet everything could be a lot better also. I dont really know how to convince her though. Talking to her obviously didnt help and neither did Talia trying to ask her either. And without those two options working I really dont know what else will. And I dont think candy can help this one. Even though candy is good...but sometimes it cant bribe everyone! Even though that candy to Talia wasnt a bribe considering I gave it to her yesturday, it was more like a get well soon gift. Despite the fact that shes not sick technically! Her and I talking has put an ease on Mike as well which is good. Hes a stressed out kid so Im glad that this took a little off him. Plus him having a job now helps too! Im happy for him thats hes doing better. Damn I have to work tomorrow that sucks donkey balls...oOo hopefully I make some MONEY! Im really poor right now. Which isnt to good...I still have to pay $200 on Douglas and I only have $50 of that. And he has to be paid off full by March 1st!!! Oh god, I might have to borrow some money! Good thing Mike has a job now and can pay me back all the money he owes me! Even though I dont care if he pays me back or not. Its not like I dont know where he lives or anything. But right now I kinda need the money! And I also have my good old daddy that spoils me! Yay me! I talked to my mom about this summer art camp at GB and I really want to go it'll only cost $500 but I have to pay for half which isnt to bad. Thing is I want someone to go with me cause I dont want to go by myself but I dont have anyone that can go with me! Damn the agony! I'll prolly right more but its 3:50 and I have to get the house cleaned before my mom comes home which should be in the next 20 mins! So later sugars!
Talia and I talked last night and I really enjoyed getting things out in the open. Her and I came to a conclusion that we should all meet up and dicuss this like rational adults. Thats honestly all we want. I mean it would be cool just to get everything squard away. And the only person who wont agree to it is Kristen cause she feels as though it worthless to do so. Im not exactly positive what she thinks but Im sure thats the jist of it cause I cant really speak for her. But I dont know she says she not immature(and Im not saying she is), but talking it out would be the adult thing to do. Cause how all of us have been acting have been childish. Im not putting the blame on any one person cause its not just anyone persons fault. I just wish she could learn to see some things. I understand that all of us have been hurt by this but c'mon seriously. Im not just throwing out sorry's I honestly am sick of this. I dont know I guess we will see where it goes from here but I hope she will just think about it more and maybe take it into consideration instead of just dismissing it right away. It could be benifitial for all of us.
Love that is stretched so thin can break at any moment. I try to tell myself this but it never happens. You know what really bothers me is that some people try telling me I dont know what love is. Well sadly enough I know what love is, and I also know what losing love is. I know what being tangled in love is and not wanting love is. I know every type of love there has ever been in this god forsaken place. People say that you cant feel love unless you have felt loss and vice versa. And they are right...I never really believed that untill I felt it with my own heart. I have been in love, prior to my twisted love life thats in flow at this current moment. Not false love but actual love and damn was it great...that I wont deny. I ended up losing what I had with that person because we both ended up making to many mistakes that could ever be corrected. It tore me to peices and I promised at that moment I would never ever let someone come as close to me as that person was. I never wanted to be hurt again like that. I didn't think I was strong enough to go through that pain again. So in return I constantly turned good people away I didn't care if they were friends, lovers, or of any relation to me.
Then I became friends with 3 people that slowly began chipping my wall away, I grew to love them. Towards the end I got scared and pushed them out of my life in fear that they would do the same. Childish maybe but my fear was closing in on me and what was I to do. Wait and let them hurt me or just hurt myself? I figured hurting myself was easier to bare then them doing it me. Before the closing act came I met Mike. I remember the first time I saw him, I could not and can not ever forget it. And all I can say to describe the moment I saw him is, "Damn". I felt so many emotions at once. I never believed in "love at first sight" till I saw him. That was my initail reaction. Of course I couldnt let up to that, so I continude to be "one of the guys" instead of oggling his goodies, considering I was the only female there out of like 10 or so males. God, as the night drew on I just felt that something was going to happen with him. At the end of the night he gave me his number...I was so shocked. When I got into the car with those few friends (that I wont mention) all three of them told me not to give him the time of day. They said he would hurt me, use me, and do nothing but lie to me. But I figured hey why not give it a try maybe hes not the same guy as one of them knew him to be. I started hanging out with Mike more and more...and the other three got really mad and I got tired of dealing with it and dealing with them telling me all these bad things about him that I just ended our friendships right there.
Stupid right? God, they were such close friends it killed me every day after and it still sends a pain to my heart everytime I see one of them. No matter how many times I try to tell myself it was all for the best, I know Im just lying. I just figured he was worth it and not to mention I didnt want them to stop being friends with me cause I didnt want to get hurt so I figured I would do the noble thing. And now Mike and I have almost been together for a year and half. We have gone through so much shit that I sometimes dont even believe it myself. I love him as much as I did when I first saw him and a thousand times more. No one even understands how much he means to me. Hes become "my everything", I was willing to risk everything in my life just to have him. I have taken so much shit sence I have been with him that almost anyone would have given up a long time ago. But he opend me back up to love, he opend me up to hope, how could I just throw that and most of all, him away?
Now there are a few nameless people out there who think our relationship is nothing and even think that I am nothing. But who are they to judge, they dont know what him and I have been though. I have stuck by his side through thick and thin. Even times that I shouldnt have. I always think theres room for change, I always hoped for so much with him and I. I can't even shed a tear for our love anymore. I have wonderd to myself if our relationship is failing but when I think about it, what really is a failure of any relationship? All I know is that I love him with everything that I am made of. What I feel for him I fear will never change. I dont know if it pays to love him as much as I do. I dont want to sound like a bad person but is there a point. I have tried for so long to make us work. Denial is one word that has come to mind numorous times. I have over looked tons of things that he has done in hopes that it might make things better and in some things it has and some things it hasnt. But something I do know is that we are stronger then either of us could have enticipated. I know that what we have is love and if its a "FAILURE" as some of you seem to think it is than what are we to do about it?
Nothing, because everyone has their own opiouns, their own reasoning, and their own tired ass excuses. Im tired of hearing you few nameless people or there critisize us for not having a "normal" relationship. What the hell does it matter to you? You guys arent in OUR relationship! Do you understand what the word OUR means? It pretains to him and I. That doesnt include you people that feel as though you should stick your god damned nose's in it. And instead of being childish come out and say it to him or I. Not going behind our backs thinking your cool and and bold cause your really not. And Im tired of the few of you thinking your all bad ass cause you can talk shit when Im not around or think I cant hear a word your saying, but when I am around your balls are so baried a grave digger couldnt even reach them. So next time you feel the need to talk your normal cunt ass bullshit replace those balls you think you have and say something to my face. If that was to hard to click in for you NAMELESS people. Stop being affraid of me, simple as that and dont say your not cause you have avoided it ever sence you have had a problem with me. And if your so god damn keene on kicking my ass step the fuck up and stop hiding. Cause god knows I wouldnt back down for anything this precious little life of mine has to offer and thats a promise!
Hah Talias still convinced shes not kicking my ass cause shes 18 so I told her I would tell everyone I started it and shes still to panzy funny note here. I kicked her cousins ass whose over 18 and at least she had the balls to try and fight me back instead of using an age as a pathetic accuse for not getting your ass beat! How pathetic is that then again if I knew I had no chance in a fight I would prolly try to think of every lame ass excuse...well any that are left over from the ones spewing out of Talia's and Kristen's mouth's.