I've learned something. Seeing as I am having trouble sleeping (going on 2 full days now) I have come to realize why I am having trouble sleeping. I like the quiet. And when I interupt the quiet I seem to like it even more because I know it's only me. For some reason it's a very soothing fact and because of it I want to sit in this peaceful bliss longer and watch as the sky lightens outside my window. :)

This is going to be short because I am still upset. In lunch I wasn't hungry so two of my "friends" decide they are going to force feed me french fries by sticking them in my mouth everytime I open it to tell them to stop. They did this because I am "too skinny", they obviously don't know that when I am not hungry and eat anyway that upsets my stomache and half the time I throw up. Yea, aren't they sweet? So I went to the nurse's office and by this time in tears because my mom pushes and now the people I thought were friends are two (which only makes me feel worse) that I HAVE to eat, not should, HAVE TO. The nurses in the office were really nice "(as usual, they've always been nice to me {especially this year because I have been going through different degrees of hell.}) They let me call my dad who brought me home, that is after Mrs. Harrigan (nurse) spoke to him b/c she and Mrs. Larkin are both apparently really worried about me. .... I love the nurses at my school, they're so nice. But yea.... in short, I'm home and have had a REALLY bad day.

My brother is such a jerk! Okay, there is a movie I asked if he would go take me to see and he promised he would. That is after I told him that I was going to invite one of my friends (who he also likes). Well the girl couldn't go and he tells me "I'll have to think about if I want to go or not now." Meaning the only reason he promised to take me was because she was going! Because he knows that right now the only way he can most likely see or talk to her without raising suspicion is through me. Well don't I feel loved by my older brother, he is trying to use me so he can be around someone else. >.< Geez! Even my own family uses me! And here I am thinking everything would be fine! Jackass = brother! I hate when people use me for their benefit and right now I think that is the only thing that they want me around for!

He then went out to the mall and when I asked if I could come along he looked at me and told me no so coldly. As if he never want/wanted me around ever! I am starting to REALLY hate people! Inclusing my family! What the fuck ever happened to common decency!?

I applyed to two new places for work. Michaels and Staples. Hope I get a job at one of them at least. I don't feel like having to be home all the time, with the people I live with. My sister will most likely be in her own room within the next week, or so I hope. Meaning I get to have the joy of reorganizing my room. Fun, fun, fun, if I break something it might help me deal with the mass amount of stress I am under. I have to e-mail and article to my Journalism teacher that is late, write the final copy due Monday. Write a rough draft for a damn sports article due Tues. Draw scenary in detail for my art class and manage not to kill people. Also I have to write the rough draft of an essay my English teacher says I might use for college. >.< On top of that I have an article to write on Martin Luther King Jr. that might be submitted to the Patriot (another HS's newspaper), a make-up math test to take after school on Mon., have to get hold of the West band instructor about equipment, find out the difference between Ultralite flags and swing flags, order the equipment, find the third person who will be doing the routine for my Graduation project, and start making a routine up for a song that is so many f***ing counts long! Find silks, talk to my band director about borrowing a rifle, and hopefully not be asked about indoor guard.... AGAIN!

So yes, I'm just a little stressed.

Plus, I still have to talk to my dad.

Happy New Year, I guess. I was invited to a New year's party, left at midnight. I wasn't wanted there and I could tell. There's one way to hurt a girl, kick her when she is down. And boy my "friends" sure can do that well. And I know what they are all probably saying "drama queen" fine they can call me what they want. As long as I am able to call them bitches and assholes. They didn't speak to me unless it was asking me if I was "ok" or to get me to play Kings, which is a game I hate. My ex was there and wanted me to die, my b/f was there and did give a damn, my friends hell they didn't give a damn. None of them wanted me there, thats one of the reasons I left. They think everything is a huge joke, and guess what, I'm sick of it. And frankly I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't know what to make of the people who call themselves my "friends". I'm starting to think that "friends" is something they are all far from.

~Fuu

Hey all. Well I am apparently an idiot when it comes to certain relationships... like my own. Or at least the one I was just in. My new ex-boyfriend gave me no other choice really but to break up with him, even though I didn't want too. But what are you to expect he was ALWAYS saying that he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He compared me to her, said how mucb he wished he was still dating her. He even explained to me that one of the reasons he asked me out was because I reminded him of her. Does that mean I was REALLY just a replacement for her? Am I someone that is that worthless to someone that all I will ever get is a relationship where they want to use me? Or get something from me, so far each of my boyfriends has been like that in one way or another. They didn't mean to be I know but they were.

Now I feel so guilty because I broke up with him. But he was hurting me, and I HATE people who play with my emotions and my heart like I am some sort of toy. I feel like shit now. Oh btw this is the ex-boyfriend who apparently broke up with me last week, well I (along with two/three of my friends) misunderstood him, he didn't break up with me he put the relationship on hold. Well now I ended it. And guess what, he also won't talk to me. I wanna cry but I won't. Its stupid to cry right? Right? But right now I don't think I can help it........ *starts crying*..... I hate how life always does this to people. It doesn't want them to know a bit of happiness. Please btw don't mind me. I am in a little bit of self pity I guess, actually I know.

But hey you always get whats coming to ya... right?

~Fuu

My boyfriend...sorry correction, my ex-boyfriend is a jerk. He was telling me he needs to think, he needs space, and maybe a some point in time we can try again with out relationship. He also gave the line "it's not you, it's me". OMG. Does he think I am stupid, so please excuse me while I go and mope.

~Fuu

Only in death will anyone have perfect sanity, or is it insanity?