metal would feel good right about now....

augh! im a depressed little person arnt i? no!

what happens if you love someone(think you love them) but your with someone else and the person you (think you love-idn) or care lots about i should say doesnt know?

im lost..

i want to die...

i need a saviour

i cant believe it. i cant talk to the one person i need most right now. kendall? what r u doing to yourself? does your heart tell you to follow the path your going now? i dont think so. im lost, and no one can find me.

god latly everthings been totaly confusing and frusterating.
i love the fact that im trying to make ppl happy and all but theres a nagging sensation that im totaly alone in the attempt. kendalls so angry at vanna and its vannas own fault. i sure hope i can fix things. i cant help but feel weighed down with all this change bullshit. im goth punk! i dont care what ppl think of my clothes. what matters is my personality and frankly im fed up with ppl telling me i have to change my clothes and attitude. i can change again, but everytime i do i end up losing another friend or a part of me that can never be found again. i hate this. i hate it. i hate it. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant believe whats happening. i cant talk to anyone. i dont need help. i can sit and smoke if i want to and the only person its hurting is me so no one should care. you know the feeling of metal on your skin is so refreshing. why cant she understand me???????????? i would rather be there for her but im finding it more difficult every day. when she looks at me all i see is anger becuse of my actions, and o my FUCKING GOD does it ever hurt. i cant trust anyone and its eating away at me. i burned another journal today and started up a new one. i cant help but feel alone. wont she understand that things do happen for a reason? i just wish things could go back the way they were.....................

i feel so fucking guilty if i wasent here then none of this would happen so please just make this stop i cant take living like this and i wish i had someone to be there to hold me but they are all gone and i cant fucking stand the fact that im so insane and i feel like everyone hates me...............

nothing is working out and im standing here alone.....
the darkness coming down and im living in no home....
why doesnt life fogive the lies i said?
why cant i curl up in my own dam bed?
am i being used or using others
i just cant tell but-
i know im here for others and thers the hell i live in and its no fantasy...........

i really like jesse but i know its too late to change the past and now i have the dream guy of my life the one chance to have a normal relationship and we have so much in common and too little to lose and he likes me and i like him and i KNOW him as being who he really is with out the bullshit and he accepts me for who i am and how i try to be because he is the same way and it seems to me like this is no coincedents and he was sent here or something cuz this is just too weird.........omg.........like our b-days are the same and 2 yrs ago we lived accross the street from eachother and now we meet again at another hard time in our lives and now im going crazy thinking about him and i think.........think........think too much.......i need gto relax and stop believing that there is someone out there for me when i know i should be alone instead.....

omfg.......do you ever realize that you know too much.......about everything.......and you cant do a thing to change it........i do.........i can give advice and stand there listening for all tis worth and without everyone i wouldnt be here and now im just in the way.......if i wasent here kendall wouldent HAVE to be sad, jenny wouldent HAVE to be saad. im to blame and i go on this guiolt trip and i feel so selfish even though i shouldent and i want to be there for ppl cuz its what i do and with out them i would DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really need to get out of this reality which binds me into nothing i need to be oin and just go to a deep hole in the ground where noone would find me and be in a happy life where nothing is this bad.

hey i know how you feel wit your dad and shit and you are alot happier and i hpope it stays that way and i hate brandon soooooooooooooo much for hurting jenny and going after me and i need a smoke i had one at the end of lunch before social and i need to smoke the good shit right nowe and i hope you understand that i hate felisha for doing that shit to you and omfg i am so confuzzled right now.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I HATE MY FUCKING FAMILY AND EVERYONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE AND IVE BEEN DUMPED ON MY ASS SO MANY TIMES LATLEY. god can i say fucking idiot? everyone is doing good kinda sorta but still...............................i believe that i might never have a reationship since jesse and i just hope he BURNS IN FUCKING HELL.......